Solo - The Contrarian Mindset Skill 5: Challenging Unrealistic Standards

"By letting go of unrealistic standards, we reclaim our autonomy and align our actions with what truly matters, creating a life of authenticity and fulfillment."

In this Bite Size Fridays episode, Jason explores the second cluster of skills in the Contrarian Mindset series: Mastering Perspective. Specifically, he delves into the importance of identifying, challenging, and reshaping unrealistic standards that often hinder personal growth and well-being. Jason discusses how these unattainable expectations, driven by societal norms, inner critics, or external pressures, can lead to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and self-doubt. Through rational examination, mindfulness, and cognitive restructuring, Jason introduces practical strategies for breaking free from perfectionist mindsets and cultivating authenticity.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Perils of Unrealistic Standards:
   • Many of us set unattainable expectations in our careers, relationships, health, and personal goals.
   • These ideals are often shaped by societal pressures, family dynamics, or our own inner critics.
   • Unrealistic standards create cycles of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and fear of failure.
2. The Power of Rational Examination:
   • Reflect on whether your standards align with your values or are driven by external influences.
   • Challenge unattainable goals by questioning their origins, feasibility, and purpose.
   • Shift focus from perfectionism to self-compassion, viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth.
3. Strategies for Redefining Standards:
   • Cognitive Restructuring: Re-engineer thought patterns by questioning distorted beliefs like all-or-nothing thinking or magnification.
   • Mindfulness Practices: Cultivate awareness of your thoughts without judgment, fostering a more flexible and grounded mindset.
   • Daily Reflection: Begin each day by identifying what is within your control and practicing acceptance for external outcomes.
4. Leveraging Modern Psychological Approaches:
   • Techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help dismantle distorted thinking and foster a value-driven approach to life.
   • These therapies emphasize emotional regulation, self-compassion, and taking purposeful actions aligned with your values.
5. Living Authentically:
   • Moving away from unattainable standards allows for a life aligned with personal values and aspirations.
   • By embracing imperfection, individuals can cultivate a stronger sense of fulfillment and resilience.

Additional Resources:
Interested in building a contrarian mindset for resilience, fortitude, and psychological strength? Check out the other episodes in this series linked in the show notes, and subscribe to It’s an Inside Job for more insights on resilience, well-being, and personal growth.

Part 1 – Discover the Power of The Contrarian Mindset: A New Approach to Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Growth

Part 2 – Discover the Power of The Contrarian Mindset: A New Approach to Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience a

Chapters

• 0:16 Introduction to Resilience
• 1:53 Mastering Perspective
• 8:40 Challenging Unrealistic Standards
• 10:51 Modern Psychological Approaches
• 14:15 Practical Strategies for Change
• 18:36 Building a Contrarian Mindset

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

[0:08] Well, welcome to It's an Inside Job Bite Size Fridays, your weekly dose of resilience,

[0:13] optimism, and well-being to get you ready for the weekend. Now, each week, I'll bring you insightful tips and uplifting stories to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace a more positive mindset. And so with that said, let's slip into the stream.

[0:27] Music.

[0:34] Welcome back to the series on building the contrarian mindset now the contrarian mindset is about strengthening our resilience our tenacity our fortitude our psychological strength our ability to confront and meet uncertainty and the unknown especially when it shows up on our doorstep uninvited. And for those new to this series, what is a contrarian mindset? Well, contrarian thinking is not about being disagreeable or purposely going against the grain for the sake of it. It's about challenging the status quo of our minds. It's about questioning the usual ways you respond to life's challenges and exploring new, often unconventional paths to resilience and success. So these series of episodes invites you to think like a contrarian, not to complicate your life, but to simplify it by cutting through the noise of common fears, dysfunctional thinking, and unhelpful mindsets. So in total, there are 12 skills to the contrarian mindset, and I have clustered them under three headings. So the first cluster of four skills is mastering self. The next one is mastering perspective. And finally, it's mastering resilience. So in today's episode, we are going to move on to the second cluster of the

[1:50] contrarian mindset skill base, and that is mastering perspective. And specifically today, we're going to talk about challenging unrealistic standards.

[2:04] Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of chasing perfection? Maybe it's the pressure to excel in your career while maintaining the perfect home, being the ideal parent or partner, or achieving unattainable health and fitness goals. Perhaps you're constantly comparing yourself to curated social media lives or feeling like you've never quite enough, no matter how much you achieve. Many of us struggle with the weight of these unrealistic expectations, These standards shaped by societal pressures, family dynamics, and our own inner critic. These unattainable ideals can lead to anxiety, dissatisfaction, and a constant fear of failure, leaving us questioning our worth and our purpose. But what if there's another way? What if we could break free from these self-imposed shackles and begin to live life more authentically, embracing our imperfections while striving for goals that truly resonate with us? Let me pose a question to you. Are the standards you're holding yourself to generally yours, or are they silently sabotaging your happiness? Well, in this episode, we're going to explore how to identify, challenge, and reshape unrealistic standards to create a life more aligned with your values, your aspirations, and your true self.

[3:21] Now, our beliefs and expectations can often become our biggest challenges, especially in a world that values perfection. You know, chasing unrealistic standards can lead to deep dissatisfaction, leaving us with irrational fears and anxieties. This situation can limit our growth and our happiness. However, when we find the courage to question these self-created standards, well, then we can feel a greater sense of freedom. This questioning, it opens opportunities for personal growth, and helps us to remember a true fulfillment. Now, this episode explores how disciplined thinking can free us from the heavy weight of unattainable expectations. Ultimately, it's accepting the reality that we are human beings, and human beings are far from perfect, that we have imperfections, that we do make mistakes, that we do fall down, that we do have mishaps. But from all of these, we can learn. And by moving away from these perfectionist standards, well, this is the ability of adopting the contrarian mindset. We stand resolute with strength of resilience and psychological strength and robustness.

[4:35] Now, I want to talk about the power of rational examination. Reflecting on our inner dialogue challenged us to examine the beliefs and expectations that shape our understanding of success, self-worth, and our place in the world. Now, this reflective process involves taking a step back from our personal biases and emotional reactions, encouraging us to adopt an objective perspective. Now, by doing so, well, we empower ourselves to question the foundations of our standards in life. This deep introspection, well, it allows us to determine whether our benchmarks reflect our values and aspirations or if external pressures influence them. In this way, we gain control and confidence towards personal growth and development. Identifying unrealistic standards is a crucial step towards cultivating a life that resonates with our true selves and our sense of fulfillment. Now often, we find ourselves entangled in a web of expectations that lead to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment, pushing us towards an elusive ideal of perfection. These standards, shaped by societal norms, familiar expectations, and personal dreams that may not align with our true selves, require careful consideration.

[5:55] Recognizing these standards means tuning into our emotional responses and our thought patterns, especially during self-doubt and dissatisfaction. In such moments, all this realization that we adhere to unrealistic standards, well, they become clear, prompting us to reassess their impact on our lives. Now, once we identify these elusive benchmarks, well, we enter a phase of rational scrutiny. This involves examining our goals and values and probing their feasibility, origins, and utility. Okay. We question whether our objectives are realistically within reach or just lofty goals that set us up for failure. We look at whether our standards come from. We ask if they are based on our beliefs or come from society and culture. Often, we do things that don't truly reflect who we are. Additionally, we reflect on the purpose these standards serve in our lives, determining whether they drive us towards genuine growth and satisfaction or perpetuate cycles of self-criticism and disillusionment. Now, this rigorous examination is not about dampening our ambitions.

[7:09] But it's about aligning them more closely with our true capabilities, our values, and our desires. By recalibrating our expectations to focus on what is genuinely meaningful and achievable, well, then we embark on a path toward a life characterized by authenticity, satisfaction and that key word resilience now the contrarian mindset thus becomes a powerful tool for transformation directing us away from unattainable ideals and towards goals that are both achievable and profoundly enriching throughout this process of understanding ourselves and making changes? Well, we build a path that is ours, that is bespoke to us. And this path leads us to fulfillment that matches who we are. This road, this path, this sojourn is not without challenges. It does require courage, honesty, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our aspirations.

[8:15] It offers a place of deep satisfaction and peace where our professional and personal lives align with our true selves. This alignment provides a sense of achievement and a deep feeling of belonging and purpose. Embracing the contrarian mindset is not merely an intellectual exercise.

[8:34] It serves as a practical and relatable guide to living our own lives. Free from unrealistic standards and enriched by personal authenticity.

[8:46] Music.

[8:58] Taking on a contrarian mindset to challenge unrealistic standards, well, it requires an approach to how we view our beliefs and expectations. Now, this process involves a deep dive into our core values and genuine aspirations, so we can align our goals with realistically achievable and personally meaningful goals. Now, the initial step is an introspective examination to distinguish between the influences of societal expectations and our authentic selves. This critical analysis helps identify challenging and attainable goals grounded in honest assessment of our abilities and our circumstances. An essential component of this process is self-compassion. Recognizing setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than failures builds resilience. This attitude enables us to approach challenges with a constructive perspective, reducing the impact of perfectionism, and allowing for a more genuine appreciation of our achievements.

[10:01] Thinking differently about authenticity, well, it can change how we live. Instead of following societal norms and outside standards, instead we can focus on what truly matters to us. This shift is about more than just changing our goals. It involves a change in lifestyle that aligns with our principles. When we do this, we often find more purpose and satisfaction in our lives. Embracing the path to authenticity is important as it leads to a stronger sense of fulfillment and achievement. Adopting a different mindset helps us move away from unrealistic expectations toward a feeling of achievement, of fulfillment, of succeeding, of moving forward.

[10:44] By examining and adjusting our beliefs and expectations, well,

[10:48] we can align our actions with our true selves. Now, I'd like to just briefly touch upon modern psychological approaches to unrealistic standards. You know, in contemporary psychology, innovative therapies like CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy or ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy, well, they've been instrumental in tackling the pervasive issue of unrealistic standards that plague many of us. These therapeutic approaches are grounded in the premise that our mental and emotional well-being is significantly influenced by cognitive distortions, maladative thought patterns that skew our perception of reality. Now, these distortions, which include tendencies like overgeneralization, magnification, and binary thinking, well, they serve as the bedrock for unrealistic expectations we often set for ourselves and others, culminating in a vicious cycle of disappointment, self-reproach, and diminished self-esteem.

[11:48] CBT in particular, well, it offers a structured framework for identifying these distorted thinking patterns and subjecting them to the light of rational examination. Now, it's through this process, individuals are equipped with the tools to deconstruct and reassess their thoughts, enabling a transformation in their emotional responses and behaviors. For instance, the cognitive distortion of all-or-nothing thinking, which paints experiences in extremes of a success or failure, black and white, night and day, while it is systematically challenged to allow for a more nuanced understanding of the outcomes, this re-evaluation, while it fosters a shift towards more flexible and forgiving standards.

[12:33] Mitigating the distress of failing to meet unattainable ideals. In other words, self-compassion. Similarly, ACT, it emphasizes accepting our thoughts and feelings without overly identifying with them. It encourages a commitment to actions that align with our values and contribute to a more meaningful life. Now, this approach acknowledges the presence of cognitive distortions. Still, it steers individuals towards acceptance and mindfulness, promoting a detachment from harmful belief. Now, through this therapeutic mindset, the aim is not to eliminate negative thoughts, but to alter our relationship with them, reducing their impact on our lives and our pursuit of unrealistic standards. It's the same rationale as accepting that emotions will arise. You can't stop emotions from arising. But what we can do, we can choose what we want to do with those emotions. It's the same thing with cognitive distortions or negative thinking. They will arise. We can't stop them, but we can choose to do what we want with them. So the therapies of CBT and ACT, well, they echo the contrarian mindsets called for rational scrutiny of our beliefs and extend it by incorporating emotional regulation and value-driven action strategies.

[13:59] Now, by applying these modern psychological principles, we can dismantle, deconstruct the foundational cognitive distortions that fuel our unrealistic expectations.

[14:11] And this helps us to pave the way for a more balanced, resilient, and fulfilling life. It's through this nuanced understanding and application of therapy that we can learn that the journey towards realistic standards and healthier self-perception is both a cognitive and an emotional endeavor grounded in the power of reason and the acceptance of our complex humanity.

[14:34] Music.

[14:41] Now I want to share some practical strategies for challenging unrealistic standards. You know, one of these technically is called cognitive restructuring, but basically it's re-engineering our thought patterns. So what you want to do is start by identifying any beliefs that set unrealistic standards for yourself. So you want to challenge these beliefs by asking key questions, such as what evidence supports this belief? Are there facts or arguments that contradict it?

[15:10] If a friend came to me with this belief, what advice would I give him or her? Now, it's by exploring these questions you can develop a more balanced and realistic perspective. It helps to free yourself from harmful or limiting beliefs. Reflections play a vital role in this journey of self-discovery. Now, each morning, take a moment to remind yourself of the distinction between what is within your control and what lies beyond it. Focus your energies and your efforts on your actions, your attitudes, and your reactions while practicing the art of accepting external outcomes with a sense of inner peace. You know, it's about making peace with those external outcomes. This practice, if you do it every morning, if you do it two or three times a week even, well, it empowers you to take charge of your responses. It promotes setting realistic standards that align with your capacity to enact more meaningful change in your life. In addition to reflective practices, incorporating mindfulness techniques can deepen your understanding of your thought patterns. Mindfulness meditation allows you to cultivate a heightened awareness of your thoughts and your beliefs. And it encourages a stance of observation without judgment. It's being a bystander or a witness to our own thought patterns, to our own emotional storms.

[16:32] Doing so, it can give you insight into how certain standards emerge in your mind and influence your emotions. This dedicated space for reflection, well, it provides an invaluable opportunity to question and to reassess the validity of those standards. And it paves the way for a more grounded and flexible mindset. I mean, this is not an easy process, but you have to start somewhere. And sometimes maybe it's about that low-hanging fruit. What are some limiting beliefs that you have for yourself? You know, is it a certain sort of imposter syndrome in part of your life that shows up? Is it some sort of unrealistic standards you set for yourself when it comes to training, when it comes to eating, when it comes to showing up, when it comes to arranging parties or arranging a meeting?

[17:23] Think about it. Invest some time. Write down some of your initial thoughts. Because once you do it, once you get into the practice of it, just like brushing your teeth with your opposite hand that you're used to, if you do it over time, you will become more adept at it. You won't even think about it. You will become ambidextrous, whether it's writing with both hands or brushing your teeth with both hands. But the fact is, it takes practice. And it's not about how long you do something. It's about how often you do something. I can tell you through my own journey by letting go of some of my fixed beliefs that are just beliefs. They're not grounded in any facts. There's a sense of freedom, a sense of liberation, a sense of autonomy and agency that comes back to you when you can slip the skin of old rules that no longer serve you. And maybe once they did, but in the present moment, you've moved on, the world's moved on. Maybe it's time for those limited beliefs and expectations to move on.

[18:29] And it's about empowering yourself by letting go of unrealistic beliefs.

[18:35] Music. If you're curious to know how to build a contrarian mindset for greater resilience, fortitude, tenacity, psychological strength, and a sense of well-being, where you'll find links to the other episodes in this series in the show notes. So make sure you hit that subscribe button. And I'll be back next week with my long-form conversational episodes on Monday and the latest Bite Sites episode on Friday. And have yourself a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend.

[18:37] Unrealistic expectations. All right.

[19:10] Music.