Solo - The Contrarian Mindset Skill 10: Practice Self Worth

“Self-worth is not something you gain—it’s something you uncover within yourself.”

In this episode, I explore the concept of self-worth -  the second skill under Mastering Resilience. Through the window of the contrarian mindset, redefining it as something intrinsic and independent of societal expectations or external validation.

I challenge the traditional notions of value and worth, emphasising that self-worth is not something to be earned or granted by others—it’s an unshakable, inherent truth. By adopting the contrarian mindset, you detach from perfectionism, external comparisons, and the relentless need for approval. Instead, I introduce practical strategies for cultivating a stronger, more resilient sense of self-worth, rooted in self-awareness, authenticity, and radical self-acceptance.

Key Topics Discussed

Myths That Undermine Self-Worth

1. Myth 1: Self-Worth Must Be Earned – I reject the idea that your value is tied to achievements or milestones.
2. Myth 2: Self-Worth Depends on Others’ Opinions – I encourage you to build internal stability that’s immune to shifting external judgments.
3. Myth 3: Self-Worth Equals Perfection – I invite you to embrace imperfection as a natural and valuable part of who you are.

The Three Pillars of Self-Worth

1. Radical Self-Acceptance: Embrace your strengths, flaws, and everything in between. Self-worth begins with recognizing you are valuable as you are.
2. Detachment from External Validation: Learn to value external feedback as a tool, not as the foundation of your self-esteem.
3. Authenticity: Align your actions with your values, set boundaries, and live true to yourself—without fear of judgment.

Practical Strategies

1. Daily Affirmations: Start each day with affirmations that speak to your challenges, like, “I am enough” or “My worth is not defined by others’ opinions.” Look at yourself in the mirror and say it like you mean it.
2. Reframe Self-Talk: Notice negative self-talk and replace it with more compassionate thoughts. For example: “I made a mistake, but I’m learning and growing.”
3. Set Healthy Boundaries: Protect your well-being by saying no to things that drain you and learning to say yes with conditions when necessary.
4. Celebrate Small Wins: Keep a success log of daily accomplishments, no matter how small. Progress builds confidence.
5. Practice Gratitude: At the end of each day, identify three small, unique things you’re grateful for. It shifts your focus inward and reinforces your sense of value.
6. Detach from Comparison: Stop measuring your worth against others. Instead, focus on your unique strengths and contributions.

Additional Resources:
Interested in building a contrarian mindset for resilience, fortitude, and psychological strength? Check out the other episodes in this series linked in the show notes, and subscribe to It’s an Inside Job for more insights on resilience, well-being, and personal growth.

Part 1 – Discover the Power of The Contrarian Mindset: A New Approach to Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Growth

Chapters

• 0:16 Introduction to the Podcast
• 1:42 Practical Tips for Everyday Challenges

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

[0:08] Well, welcome to It's an Inside Job bite-sized Fridays, your weekly dose of

[0:13] resilience, optimism, and well-being to get you ready for the weekend. Now, each week, I'll bring you insightful tips and uplifting stories to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace a more positive mindset. And so with that said, let's slip into the stream.

[0:27] Music.

[0:34] Welcome back to the series on building the contrarian mindset now the contrarian mindset is about strengthening our resilience our tenacity our fortitude our psychological strength our ability to confront and meet uncertainty and the unknown especially when it shows up on our doorstep uninvited. And for those new to this series, what is a contrarian mindset? Well, contrarian thinking is not about being disagreeable or purposely going against the grain for the sake of it. It's about challenging the status quo of our minds. It's about questioning the usual ways you respond to life's challenges and exploring new, often unconventional paths to resilience and success. So these series of episodes invites you to think like a contrarian, not to complicate your life but to simplify it by cutting through the noise of common fears, dysfunctional thinking and unhelpful mindsets. So in total there are 12 skills to the contrarian mindsets and I have clustered them under three headings. So the first cluster of four skills is mastering self, the next one is mastering

[1:41] perspective and finally it's mastering resilience. So this week we are going to dive into the second skill of mastering resilience and that is practicing self-worth. So now let's slip into the stream and explore this week's skill.

[1:56] Music.

[2:03] In this episode, I want to redefine self-worth, challenging the traditional notions of value and worthiness. Deeply rooted in the contrarian mindset, it explores self-worth not as something to be earned or granted by others, but as an intrinsic, indelible truth. It is unshakable and independent of external circumstances. Now, as commonly perceived, self-worth is often tied to achievement, validation, or comparison. Society, the world around us, it teaches us to measure our value by how much we accomplish, how others perceive us, or how we are compared to those around us. Now, the contrarian mindset disrupts this narrative, asserting that self-worth is neither conditional nor negotiable. It exists simply because we exist. This contrarian perspective reframes self-worth as a radical act self-recognition. It challenges the prevailing belief that worthiness must be earned through success or perfection, advocating instead for a deeper understanding. Our value is inherent, it's not transactional. And it's through this lens, self-worth becomes an act of defiance against societal pressures to constantly prove our worth. It is a declaration of independence from the opinions of others.

[3:29] By rejecting the pursuit of external validation. The contrarian mindset encourages us to redirect our focus inwards, building a relationship with ourselves that is based on acceptance and authenticity.

[3:43] Now, this does not mean dismissing all forms of external validation as either irrelevant or harmful. Instead, it involves distinguishing between healthy, constructive feedback and an over-reliance on external approval for self-worth. Now, when we approach this thoughtfully, then external validation, well, it can play an central role in our personal and professional growth. It reflects our impact on others, offering valuable insights into how our actions, our opinions, what we do align with the shared values and the goals of the community or the organization or the team around us. You know, for example, positive feedback from a trusted mentor can affirm our efforts and encourage us to pursue more meaningful objective. Now, similarly, validation from loved ones, well, that can also deepen our sense of connection and belonging, vital aspects of emotional well-being. But with that said, the contrarian mindset emphasizes that self-worth must remain independent of external validation. Now, this distinction allows us to appreciate recognition without making it a cornerstone of our identity. The contrarian perspective, well, what it does, it encourages us. It invites us to ask questions such as, what does recognizing my worth as unchanging and unconditional mean?

[5:10] Another question would be, how would my life change if I no longer sought validation outside myself, but instead sought it as an occasional complement to my internal sense of value? You know, by taking on this perspective, we can redefine external validation as a tool and not a requirement. It becomes an added layer of encouragement, of motivation, of driver, rather than the foundation of our self-esteem. You know, for example, constructive criticism can guide growth without diminishing our sense of self-worth. And praise, well, that can be celebrated without becoming a source of dependency. Recognizing and having self-awareness of this balance, well, it can transform our approach to validation. So instead of seeking approval to feel enough.

[6:03] Well, instead, we can accept that we are already enough and view external feedback as a source of perspective rather than our identity. And this shift, this shift fosters a healthier relationship with ourselves and with others. It enables us to pursue the goals that we want to pursue, to build relationships, and to face the challenges and the complexities of life with more confidence and authenticity. From my experience, what is critical is that by integrating a balanced understanding of external validation into the contrarian mindset, what this does, it sets us up so we can appreciate its value without letting it dictate our self-worth. In order to fully embrace self-worth, I think it's very important that we confront some of the myths that tend to distort and warp it, which in itself creates unnecessary obstacles and hindrances towards more self-acceptance. So let's look at myth one. Myth one is this, self-worth must be earned. You know, society or the world around us, it frequently ties worthiness to achievements. You know, your career status, your intelligence, your productivity, your level of achievement.

[7:25] We're constantly taught to believe that only through consistent accomplishment can we prove our value. Well, you know what? Let's flip that on its head. The contrarian mindset rejects this notion. It argues that self-worth is not contingent upon external milestones. Instead, it is a fundamental aspect of our humanity that makes us human.

[7:48] For instance, a child's worth should not be tied to their ability to excel at school. Instead, we should be teaching, and as obvious as this sounds, we should be teaching them that they are inherently valuable simply by existing, by who they are. Similarly, our self-worth does not need justification.

[8:13] It's already ours. The second myth, self-worth depends on others' opinions. Now, time and time again, throughout my life, I've accepted this myth as a truth. You know, many of us outsource our sense of value to others' judgments, and that creates a volatile and fragile foundation for self-worth.

[8:36] Praise can elevate momentarily, while criticism can shatter and break us entirely. You know, true, genuine self-worth, it's rooted within. It remains constant. It is immune to the ever-shifting tides of these external approvals or disapprovals. And setting this inner foundation within ourselves and allows us to appreciate feedback without making it the cornerstone of our identity, of who we are. A third myth, self-worth equals perfection. Perfection, it perpetuates the myth that being worthy requires flawlessness. This rigid belief, it creates an unattainable standard and it fosters self-doubt and relentless self-criticism. The contrarian mindset, it challenges by embracing imperfection as a vital aspect of who we are as humans. You know, our flaws are not barriers to worthiness. That's insane to think. But our flaws, our mistakes, the things that make us up that we're not perfect, they're an integral part of the depth and authenticity of who we are. I mean, you think about anything you've ever learned.

[9:53] It doesn't come from a snap or like a light switch is on.

[9:58] We've had to make mistakes in order to become better more adept more skill at anything we do whether it's a physical skill or mindset okay let's move on from myths i want to talk about sort of the foundational pillars of self-worth i believe there are three fundamental principles you know there's radical self-acceptance detachment from external validation and authenticity so let me walk you through each one of these. Now, again, this is my personal definition. You may want to find other ways of doing it, but I just want to share my thoughts of what has helped me. So let's dive into the first one, radical self-acceptance. Self-worth begins with acknowledgement of who we are, our flaws, our strengths, and everything in between on that scale. Radical self-acceptance is not about settling for mediocrity or avoiding growth, but about recognizing that we are valuable regardless of our imperfections. You know, for example, someone struggling with self-doubt might approach themselves with the compassion they would offer to a dear friend. So instead of chastisizing ourselves for perceived shortcomings or our weaknesses or our imperfections. We might acknowledge our feelings, reflect on our efforts, and remind ourselves of our inherent worth.

[11:24] You know, this practice transforms self-criticism into self-awareness, and it lays the foundational principles for growth and resilience. Now, the second pillar, I think, for self-worth is detachment from external validation. It's our ability to let go of the need for approval from others. And this act itself can be liberating. It allows us to reclaim our value. Again, I think this is very important to emphasize. this detachment this decoupling doesn't mean ignoring feedback or isolating ourselves from meaningful relationships rather it means defining your worth on your terms imagine someone whose self-esteem fluctuates based on social media likes or workplace praise i mean i'll admit it i've been there but what that sets us up for is brittleness and a sense of fragility you know if we are able to detach ourselves from these external metrics, it allows us to ask more empowering questions. Am I proud of my efforts? Do my actions align with my values? Do I feel I have moved something forward today? You know, this shift in mindset, it promotes inner stability and it ensures that our self-worth remains intact even in the absence of external affirmations.

[12:53] And the third pillar, well, this is the word of authenticity. The ability to live authentically, well, it reinforces self-worth. It allows us to align our actions with what truly matters to us. You know, authenticity, it requires honoring our values. It talks about setting boundaries. It's about expressing our desires without fear of judgment. You know, one common example that comes up with a number of my clients is when they leave a high-paying, powerful job in a corporation and they strike out on their own.

[13:28] They want to follow their passions. They want to build a business based on what they feel they can contribute to the world. And by no means is this always an easy process. For some, it's a snap of the finger. They know it. They can just go after it. But for many of us, it's a process. It's an evolution in our mindsets. And in many cases it's an iterative process but over time they choose a path that aligns more with how they truly feel. They've detached and they've affirmed that their worth is not tied to societal expectations or what the perfect job is or superficial markers of success. Authenticity is not about being perfect. It's about being real. It's about being true to ourselves and in doing so it reminds us that we are enough just as we are.

[14:24] Music.

[14:33] The contrarian mindset positions self-worth as proactive, intentional practice. Rather than passively accepting societal definitions of value, we can actively cultivate a sense of worth rooted in self-awareness and self-compassion. Consider the profession who ties their value to career success. When they lose a promotion, their sense of worth plummets. It's normal for many people to feel this way because there is a sense of loss and it shakes our identity.

[15:02] Now, this is very normal because the large part of how we identify ourselves, well, it's through our work and what we do. In a sense, there is a mourning process. However, it is essential, it is important that we don't remain in this phase too long because it can lead to a fragile sense of identity and it becomes so dependent upon external outcomes.

[15:26] Now, this is where self-awareness becomes crucial. A contrarian approach would encourage them to use self-awareness to separate their identity from their role, recognizing that external outcomes do not diminish their worth. Self-awareness, it allows us to observe our emotions, identify our thoughts without judgment, and to question the assumptions linking self-worth to career success. Now this reframing shifts our focus from seeking validation to fostering resilience and self-respect.

[16:00] So I've talked a lot of theory now, but theory that it's grounded in my experience. Now what I want to do is shift the conversation. I want to shift what we're talking about. So I want to talk about practical strategies for cultivating self-worth. Because cultivating self-worth, it's an ongoing process. It requires and it demands deliberate effort. It's an irritative process. It's constantly a work in progress. So what I want to do is share some actionable strategies along with some practical tips to help you strengthen your own self-worth.

[16:35] Now, the first one I want to talk about is relatively simple. It's daily affirmations. Now, daily affirmations themselves, I mean, we can repeat things to ourselves over and over and over. But if we don't actually believe what we're saying, well, they're pretty much useless. They're garbage. So when I say this with daily affirmations, I want to talk about truly believing what we're saying. And sometimes we need to repeat it over and over and over. So sometimes what I recommend is begin your each day with affirmations that reinforce your value. It may be as simple as, you know what? I am enough. It may be as simple as My worth is not defined But what I achieve.

[17:22] It may be that my worth is not dependent upon how others perceive me. What I've found to make affirmations even more effective is to sometimes, not sometimes, to personalize them to reflect your unique challenges. What are you facing?

[17:38] You know, affirmations can feel unnatural initially. But what I usually recommend to people is actually in the morning, when you're brushing your teeth and you're combing your hair, or you're just getting ready for work or school, what have you, look in the mirror, stare at yourself. Look at yourself in the eyes because usually we see our reflection in the mirror, but that's all we see. It's just how am I looking, right? It's sort of an overall general picture. What I'm asking you to do is go granular. Look at directly into your eyes, lean into the mirror and truly say those affirmations that you've written down that are unique to your specific challenge. Consistency is the key. You know, regular practice, it helps to rewire negative thought patterns over time. And it creates a mental, a cognitive foundation that is rooted in self-acceptance and confidence. So this is going to take time. This is not a cakewalk. This is a hike up a hill. This next skill is about reframing self-talk or your mind talk. And this is a very powerful one if you get into it. What it is, it's about noticing negative self-talk. and challenging it with more compassionate responses. For example, you might tell yourself that, you know what, I'm a failure. I always make mistakes. I'm useless. I'm incompetent.

[19:03] But maybe you want to replace that with, you know what? I made a mistake. This is a learning opportunity. This is how I grow. And it may be to reflect on all the skills that you've learned, whether it's an instrument, a language, a sport, whatever. You didn't just pick up the ball and were perfect at it. You just didn't pick up a language book and could speak fluent Arabic or Spanish or French or English. In order to become fluent or adept at, skilled at anything, there is a track record of messing up, fouling up, making mistakes. But we grow from those mistakes.

[19:44] And so here too is where we will want to replace some of our negative self-critical thoughts with more self-compassionate thoughts. To reframe self-talk, to reframe mind talk effectively, What it requires is us becoming aware of the moments when these negative thoughts arise. What I suggest to a lot of people is to keep a journal to record recurring patterns. And it's about experimenting with alternative phrases that are realistic yet encouraging. You know, for example, you might, instead of saying, for example, I can't do this. Well, you might say, you know what, this is challenging, but I'll take it one step at a time.

[20:26] Practicing self-compassion in this way well it helps you to transform self-critical thoughts and talk into more constructive self-awareness now a third skill well it's about setting boundaries protect your self-worth by setting boundaries with people or situations that tend to undermine it now this might mean limiting time with critical individuals or saying no to demands that compromise your well-being boundary settings can initially feel really uncomfortable especially if you're accustomed to pleasing others that everyone in the room has to be happy where I can sacrifice myself just as long as there's no sort of tumultuous relationships going out that everything is smooth.

[21:14] So what we want to do is start small by identifying situations that drain your energy or erode your confidence. I work with a number of clients who one thing they've grown from is by setting boundaries. You know, the people I work with, they have high work ethics. They have lots of empathy and they want to help people. They want to be there in order to help people over their challenges. But sometimes if they have the space and time and they have the luxury of that, then I say go ahead. But it's when we are overburdened, when our plates are completely full, that we need to find ways to say no or say yes with conditions. Start with low-hanging fruit, you know, where you can say no. But what we want to use is simple, respectful phrases such as maybe, I appreciate the offer, but I'm unable to commit at this time. Or it could be yes with conditions. You know what? I can do that for you, Jason. But what I need from you is this dot, dot, dot, dot. And here's the key. It's remembering that you have positive, noble intentions. And setting boundaries is not selfish. It's not about not helping people. It's about helping yourself to make, because maybe you've already promised a handful of people. And if you take on too much burden, then you can't deliver with quality to those people you've already promised.

[22:39] And so understanding that your intentions are positive and that setting boundaries is not selfish or disrespectful, but an essential act of self-respect that reinforces your self-worth. Another skill, which is quite simple, well, it's celebrating small wins. It's about acknowledging your efforts and your accomplishments, those things that you get done across the finishing line, no matter how small. Because each of these steps, it reinforces your value and it builds your confidence in your abilities.

[23:11] That's a track record. That's based on experience. You know, to celebrate effectively, one simple thing that I suggest to clients is sometimes keep a success log where you jot down your daily wins. You know, how you completed a project or you practice self-care or you learn something new. This is not something you have to share with everybody. This is something that you might just keep as a personal log for yourself. It's reflecting on how each of your achievements have contributed to your overall growth. And maybe it's, you know, you've misstepped, you've made a mistake, but you learned from it. You found that vital nugget of insight that you applied and you saw you got through, you cracked part of the code. And it's reflecting on how each of these small achievements, how it contributes to your overall growth and your development. Because celebrating small wins helps combat feelings of inadequacy. What it does, it trains your brain to recognize progress.

[24:13] It overrides that negativity bias. It fosters a more positive self-image. Because that log, whether they are tiny or huge wins in your eyes, or those achievements, well, it becomes a track record of your experience, of your learning, of you applying insights, conquering challenges, dealing with complexities, and dealing with change.

[24:39] Another simple skill, well, that's practicing gratitude. You know, a lot of times I recommend to my clients when they are kind of in the doldrums, When they're laying down at night, looking up at a dark ceiling and the world has gone quiet, I ask them to think about three things or write down three things that they are grateful for. I'm not talking grateful for your children because that's great or grateful for a job or your health. Those are great. Don't get me wrong. But what I'm talking about is identifying those small little things that are unique to that day. Because this practice, it shifts the focus from external validation to internal appreciation It encourages a more deeper connection with your self-worth Because you're looking for these experiences.

[25:28] By practicing self-gratitude and focusing on aspects beyond accomplishments, this sometimes is about resilience. It's about kindness. It's about creativity for yourself. For instance, maybe you write something like, I stayed patient in a stressful situation or I took the time to rest when I needed it. Or maybe you said no to someone, you know, when they were asking you to do something. But you said it directly but diplomatically knowing that you already had enough on your plate and that there was no way you would be able to deliver with quality to those people you've already promised and you knew that extra task would have just added more stress and anxiety and burden on maybe an already overtaxed day.

[26:13] This next skill I think is so important. It's about detaching ourselves from comparison. When you compare yourself to others, pause and redirect your attention to your own unique qualities and your unique contributions.

[26:30] Remind yourself that your worth is not relative, it is absolute. To break the habit of comparison, you may want to curate your digital spaces on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, LinkedIn, what have you, by unfollowing accounts that trigger insecurity, and focusing on those that inspire positivity. When comparison arises, ask yourself, what can I learn from this? Or another question, how does this align with my personal values? This kind of shift, it encourages a mindset of growth rather than judgment. It reinforces the understanding that your worth is independent of external benchmarks. Okay.

[27:16] These are actionable tools that can help you develop deeper insights to help you integrate self-worth practices into your everyday life. And because over time, you know, the more we practice, the more often we practice these habits, well, they will foster a stronger, more resilient sense of self that is rooted deeply in acceptance and authenticity. Again, self-worth is not something like a light switch. You can just turn it on and, hey, everything's good. Especially if we have a track record and a habit of being self-critical and hard on ourself through self-flagellation or what have you it's going to take time to override that to create a new default way of thinking a new default habit where we appreciate who we are where we see our true selves that our self-worth is not relative to our accomplishments or to others through comparison but that it is absolute but the only way we can do this is by being self-aware and changing our language and applying some of the skills I've just talked about and over time we become more self-compassionate we start learning and developing and growing and we're not always constantly whipping ourselves into the ground but again it takes practice and it takes discipline and it takes dedication.

[28:45] Self-worth, cultivated through a contrarian lens, well it becomes a source of strength and liberation. It allows you to maneuver life with more confidence and resilience. You don't have to be constantly shaken and stirred by external judgments or setbacks. By adopting radical self-acceptance, detaching from external validations, and living more authentically, well, you can transform your relationship with yourself and the world. As we wrap up this episode, I want to remind you that practicing self-worth is not about achieving perfection or becoming immune to doubt. It's about repeatedly returning to the truth of your value, of who you are, no matter the circumstances. You know, self-worth, it is the foundation of resilience. It enables you to rise up after setbacks, to face criticism gracefully, and to live your more truer self. Because the contrarian mindset reminds us that self-worth is not something we gain, but uncover within ourselves through experience and introspection. By practicing self-worth, you reclaim your power and embrace the truth that you are enough, just as you are. It's through deliberate practice that self-worth becomes a belief, it becomes a way of being.

[30:12] Music.

[30:21] If you're curious to know how to build a contrarian mindset for greater resilience, fortitude, tenacity, psychological strength, and a sense of well-being, well, you'll find the links to the other episodes in this series in the show notes. So make sure you hit that subscribe button. And I'll be back next week with my long-form conversational episodes on Monday and the latest Bite Sides episode on Friday. And have yourself a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend.

[30:48] Music.