Solo - The Contrarian Mindset Skill 12: Practice Building Social Bridges.

“Healthy relationships thrive on balance, not scorekeeping. Reciprocity is about fostering mutual respect and support, not tallying who did what.”

In this episode, I talk about the final skill for Mastering Resilience: Building Social Bridges. I share how relationships play a vital role in resilience, helping us not just survive life’s storms but thrive through them. While resilience often starts as an internal journey, it reaches its full potential when we create and nurture meaningful connections with others.

I reflect on my own experiences, and how my family and close friends gave me the perspective and strength I needed to keep fighting. Through this process, I learned that reaching out to others isn’t a burden—it’s a vital part of resilience. I also dive into common myths about relationships, discuss key skills like active listening, empathy, and reciprocity, and share actionable strategies for strengthening personal and professional connections.

Key Takeaways

1. Misconceptions About Relationships:
   • Myth 1: Relationships are optional. We are wired for connection. Resilience thrives within a community of people who care for and support us.
   • Myth 2: Strong relationships are effortless. Building meaningful connections requires time, effort, and a willingness to navigate challenges.
   • Myth 3: Vulnerability is weakness. Being open with others requires courage and fosters deeper bonds. It’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a pathway to strength.
2. Core Skills for Building Social Bridges:
   • Active Listening: I focus on being fully present, validating others’ experiences, and creating safe spaces where people feel valued.
   • Empathy: I remind myself to step into others’ shoes, understanding their perspective while staying grounded in my own emotions.
   • Reciprocity: Relationships thrive on balance, not keeping score. When I focus on mutual respect and shared support, my connections grow stronger.

Additional Resources:
Interested in building a contrarian mindset for resilience, fortitude, and psychological strength? Check out the other episodes in this series linked in the show notes, and subscribe to It’s an Inside Job for more insights on resilience, well-being, and personal growth.

Part 1 – Discover the Power of The Contrarian Mindset: A New Approach to Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Growth

Part 2 – Discover the Power of The Contrarian Mindset: A New Approach to Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Growth

Chapters

• 0:16 Introduction to the Contrarian Mindset
• 9:28 Understanding Negativity Bias
• 17:16 The Power of Neuroplasticity
• 26:00 Exploring Automatic Negative Thoughts

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

[0:08] Well, welcome to It's an Inside Job bite-sized Fridays, your weekly dose of

[0:13] resilience, optimism, and well-being to get you ready for the weekend. Now, each week, I'll bring you insightful tips and uplifting stories to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace a more positive mindset. And so with that said, let's slip into the stream.

[0:27] Music.

[0:34] Welcome back to the series on building the contrarian mindset now the contrarian mindset is about strengthening our resilience our tenacity our fortitude our psychological strength our ability to confront and meet uncertainty and the unknown especially when it shows up on our doorstep uninvited.

[0:56] And for those new to this series, what is a contrarian mindset? Well, contrarian thinking is not about being disagreeable or purposely going against the grain for the sake of it. It's about challenging the status quo of our minds. It's about questioning the usual ways you respond to life's challenges and exploring new, often unconventional paths to resilience and success. So these series of episodes invites you to think like a contrarian, not to complicate your life but to simplify it by cutting through the noise of common fears, dysfunctional thinking and unhelpful mindsets. So in total there are 12 skills to the contrarian mindsets and I have clustered them under three headings. So the first cluster of four skills is mastering self, the next one is mastering perspective and finally it's mastering resilience. So today we're going to explore the final skill of mastering resilience and

[1:49] that is practicing building social bridges. At the end of the day, resilience is something that we can do alone, but what is much stronger is if we have a social network behind us, our family, our friends, our colleagues.

[2:08] So if you have joined me the last several weeks as we've been discovering the skills behind the Contrarian Mindset, you understand what has inspired me to write this collection of episodes. And if you are joining for the first time, welcome. Now before this, we've explored 11 other skills. These skills that have helped myself. Again, this is from myself, the experiences that I've had, that these skills have helped me through some of the darkest times that I've ever experienced in my life. And when you get such a diagnosis, it kind of spins your world. It kind of derails you. But it is neither good nor bad news. It's something that has happened to me as I have articulated before. And the question is, is how do you move forward? Because there's no moving back. I could stagnate. I could become complacent. And I was for a while. To admit it honestly, I was for a while. But spinning my wheels gave me no traction. I had to get out and push that vehicle to gain traction and it wasn't easy.

[3:16] And mastering resilience, this last cluster of skills, for me has been a journey of self-discovery. I mean, it's been a sojourn. And one of the major things that has really helped me, even though I've dealt with all the internal work myself, at the end of the day, I am a human being like everybody else. And my brain is wired for social connection. And the richer and more honest and truthful and transparent those human relationships are, the more secure, the more stable, the more connected, the more valued we feel. And when it's even most important is when we are in dire straits, when we are facing our own personal storms. You know, while resilience often begins as an internal sojourn, this path that we have to walk, what it truly is, it's rooted in self-worth, courage, and equanimity, as we've already discussed in earlier episodes, right?

[4:22] Resilience is fullest expression. It comes out when we extend beyond ourselves and we create these meaningful, deep connections with others, these vibrant connections with other human being. So this episode, I want to kind of take an unorthodox approach and I want to re-imagine relationships as essential components of our resilience. Because at the end of the day, relationships those strong close inner circle relationships we have it is about mutual support it's about shared understanding and it's about collective growth you know as we begin this episode from the get-go when I got that dark news that hit me I retracted into myself and that is where I've always found resources and strength and resilience but with this kind of heavy news that I got, it wasn't a cross I could carry for too long. It was too much of a weight. My wife was always there. She had my back. My teenage kids also were there and we're a very tight unit.

[5:34] But I didn't reach out to my friends. I didn't want to bother them. I didn't want to weigh them down with my own worries and concerns. Because I know everyone's carrying their own crosses. Everyone's bearing their own burdens. Everyone's going through their own storms. And in my head, I didn't want to add on to anybody else's weight, the gravity of what I was dealing with. And so I consciously, I was cognizant of retracting into myself. I use my work helping other people as a coach and aspiring partner where that, that fed me, those were the social connections and then privately I had my family.

[6:22] But what really hit me is when my closest friends reached out and they knew something was up. They knew something had derailed me. And they didn't just reach out once. They reached out repetitively. And then, you know, I woke up and I answered those calls and I met with them face to face. You know, guys, we're not always the best to share our emotions, even though this is what I specialize in. We talk about everything else but eventually we cracked the code and i shared with them, and it was it was a relief it was a lightning of the weight that i was carrying on my shoulders it did not change the situation the situation was still the same, but through the friendships the deep conversations i had with them once we got past the superficiality that guys talk about, it really helped me to gain perspective. It shifted my perspective. I became more constructive, maybe not more positive, but more constructive. I was more enabled. I was more empowered to fight this cancer. And that strengthened me. And as we all know, mindset is everything. Mindset changes our physiology.

[7:47] It triggers our emotions, constructive emotions, and it leads to healthy, constructive behaviors. And that's what I was. I didn't see myself as the victim. I saw myself as someone who was going to fight this. It lit that fire where I was tenacious and I found the fortitude and the tenacity to fight.

[8:09] To take hold of what I could, to control what I could, to find certainty where I could, and to fight.

[8:15] And so today I want to talk about the importance of practicing building social bridges. What my sojourn has revealed to me is that building social bridges is not about superficial interactions or transactional exchanges. Yes, this happens at work. This happens in many spheres of our life. But true relationships, those people who are within our inner circle. And that might only be one person or it might be a handful of people. But it's about cultivating authentic, true, genuine relationships, reciprocal connections, which empower us. And it's through that where we grow together. And that's how we are wired evolutionarily. We need our tribe. We need our people. And it's from this perspective that building social bridges, building those social connective tissues, it becomes an act of resilience itself because it requires vulnerability as we explored in practice courage. It requires emotional regulation as I highlighted in practicing equanimity last Friday's skill, skill 11.

[9:31] And it's built on a foundation of self-worth. You know, this connective tissue is not simply a means to an end. It's truly a core component of thriving in an interconnected world.

[9:48] I was under the belief that by burdening others, I'd be weighing them down. And that I became a reminder that maybe this could happen to them. And there is no doubt that that crossed my friends' minds. Those that are close to me but what it also did it allowed for me selfishly what it did it allowed me to gain perspective allowed me to articulate my my worries my concerns and my anxieties to hear my own words concretely to hear my emotions more tangibly and.

[10:23] And that is cathartic. That is healthy. But at the same time, I know my friends, yes, to some extent, it was a burden. I'm not going to kid myself. But at the same time, they felt good. And I hear this time and time again, that they were able to share a moment with me. They were able to be there for me, even though they couldn't change the interior, circumstances of what was happening to me disease-wise, illness-wise, but mindset-wise, it made all the bloody difference. It moved me from feeling alone and isolated in my own head that I had to man up and deal with this myself. That's bullshit. That is something I had to come across. You know, logically, I knew it was BS, but emotionally, to align with that logic and that rationale? Well, that took my close relationships, my family, and my friends to help me with that alignment. And so there is a power in the social bridges that we can build.

[11:29] So there are certain misconceptions of social connections, of relationships.

[11:35] And this may be from a very guy perspective, but I think this is from a very Western perspective. And I'd like you just to spend some time addressing these myths about relationships. The first myth is relationships are optional. You know, this modern narrative, this story we tell ourselves of independence, it often suggests to us that we can succeed independently, that if we are strong and self-sufficient, that we are a one-person band that can do everything ourselves. Now, while personal strength is crucial, it's vital, as we outlined in the skill of practicing self-worth.

[12:17] As I've talked about just moments ago, humans are inherently social beings. Our brains thrive and grow by the social connections that we have. Those rich, true, genuine, sincere social connections. Because resilience is not a solitary pursuit. It thrives in community. It thrives when we are amongst our people, our tribe. Relationships, they provide a vital buffer against stress. It offers perspectives and resources and emotional support that enhance our capacity to adapt and persevere. A second myth is that strong relationships are effortless. You know, there's this notion of perfect relationships or effortless connections. Well, that sets us up for unrealistic expectations. Strong relationships require consistent effort and investment. There is an intentionality. There is a willingness to be able to navigate, to enter conflicts and challenges. Because anytime you get two human beings in the same room...

[13:30] Because of their different educations, their backgrounds, their upbringings, their cultures, whatever. At some point, there is going to be a clash of ideas and opinions. And this is what we call conflict. Conflict is not always bad. Conflict is good, especially if it's constructive. Because it allows us to bridge. It allows us to find understanding. And we may not always agree with the other person. But maybe we can understand where they're coming from. And so building social relationships, it demands active participation, active investments.

[14:04] It requires a sense of vulnerability and an ongoing commitment because it's from there that are the connective tissues between our friendships and our relationships, they grow stronger and more resilient. Now, a third myth is that vulnerability is weakness. Now, this is something I've already talked about in another contrarian skill, but I just want to touch on it briefly. You know, many of us hesitate to show our true selves, the core of ourselves, because what do we fear? We fear rejection or we fear judgment. So we don't do something. We won't act on something. We won't take a chance. but as we talked about in practicing courage vulnerability is the foundation of true authentic relationships when we open ourselves to others when we invite trust empathy and deeper connections well these are the elements these are the recipe uh the elements of the recipe that allow us to fortify resilience because true vulnerability and i'm not talking saying open up to everybody but those that you really trust, there's this mutual respect.

[15:18] Well, that invites courage. It takes strength. It takes a sense of boldness. And even though I knew this logically and rationally and analytically, when I got that news about the cancer, it's like I folded into myself and threw all rationality out the window And I allowed my emotions to dictate what I did. And I thought, I can't be vulnerable in front of my friends.

[15:51] Well, that, again, that's complete bullshit. But sometimes you have to go through the ringer. You have to go through the gauntlet of pain to understand this. And it's through connecting with my family and my friends, that inner circle, my people, my tribe, that I realized this, that I found alignment between what I logically knew and what I emotionally had to get onto that other side of the fence, per se.

[16:20] But on a general note, if we had to talk about skills, about building social bridges, for me, there have always been three things. And this is both privately and professionally. You know, being educated in clinical psychology and the cognitive sciences. It's active listening, it's empathy, and it's reciprocity. So let's jump into the first one, active listening. Now, I know many of you are probably on courses and leadership training and such, and they've talked about active listening. And it's something that gets addressed time and time again. But it requires full attention. It requires us to be present. It requires us to seek understanding and to actually respond thoughtfully. You know, when we listen actively, we actually validate the other person's experience. We literally create a space where they can feel valued and heard. And this is the essence of psychological safety in any organization. I need to feel connected. I want to feel valued. And I want to feel heard.

[17:27] The second foundational skill is empathy. And as you all know, it's the ability to step into another's perspective. It's understanding their experience. But what's very important here, it does not necessarily mean I have to relate to their emotions, that I have to adopt their emotions. What it does, it evolves remaining objective and it's about being grounded in order to support others without being swept up in their emotional storm. Now, this approach allows us to help them move out of their subjective perspective and gain greater clarity through objective distance.

[18:07] You know, empathy requires emotional openness and a willingness to suspend our judgments. You know, empathy allows us to foster connections by bridging the gap between experiences, which in turn allows us to relate to people on a deeper, more sincere level. You know, a lot of the times many of us will default to proposing solutions or giving critiques, but instead maybe it's just listening and offering empathy just listening to what they have to say creating a supportive environment where they can feel they're listened to they're understood and that maybe they will find their own solution to move forward maybe we don't have to propose or suggest or advise sometimes people just want to be listened to they don't they're not looking for answers. They just need to offload. They just need to process the thoughts and the emotions that are clogging up their internal mindset.

[19:14] And sometimes just simply by active listening and using empathy, just being there for them is the cathartic process that they need in order to move through the storm. Now, the third skill I want to talk about is something called reciprocity. Because all genuine, sincere, healthy relationships thrive on balance. And one thing to make sure, to make clear here, it's not about keeping score that I did this last time for you. It's not about that. That's when you know it's superficial. That's when you know it's not a reciprocal relationship. A reciprocal relationship is about fostering mutual respect and support. It's not about a scoreboard of who did what by when. And in the case of my close friends, my close family, reciprocity was about them checking in with me on a regular basis. You know, they were sharing some of their ideas with me and their challenges. And thus I did the same. It's about both parties being equally invested in the relationship's growth and its dynamics.

[20:28] It can be alternating these roles sometimes as the listener and the speaker during conversations, or it could be about offering and receiving help without hesitation. And that's something I had to learn. These small, consistent acts, it creates a tempo, it creates a rhythm and a rhyme where you and that other person in the relationship feel generally valued, supported, and engaged.

[20:59] In many cases, when you see relationships break down professionally or privately, not in all cases, not in all cases, but in many cases, if you look and you ask the other person what went wrong, why did that relationship go sideways? They'll say something like, I wasn't seen. I wasn't heard. I wasn't understood. They didn't invest in the relationship. I couldn't bridge this subject. We couldn't breach this particular topic. It was too sensitive. You'll find that a lot of the times relationships break up because of poor communication, that they didn't spend time giving each other feedback, constructively dealing with conflict, listening to each other, engaging in expectations, finding mutual agreements, understanding that sometimes you have to sacrifice in order to get. Sometimes you have to give in order to take. If you're going to get dividends from any relationship, from any investment, it's going to require effort and it's going to require time. And it's definitely going to require getting rid of that scoreboard where you're saying to yourself, well, I did this, now it's their turn.

[22:21] Because if some thought like that or some permutation of that thought enters a relationship, you already know it's kind of rocky, that that relation is destabilizing. So now I want to talk about some practical strategies for enhancing and building social bridges. The first skill, and that's about reaching out intentionally. It could simply be identifying one person with whom you haven't reached out to for a while that you want a deeper connection with them. And it may just be to send them a thoughtful text, a snap, a message. You know, it's to invite them to coffee. Just something simple to go for a walk. This kind of proactive approach, it demonstrates care and it definitely sets the stage for further and future meaningful interactions. And that's what my friends did with me. They knew that maybe they didn't want to call. They just sent a simple text and maybe they'd send up a follow-up text the day after or the week after.

[23:29] But that simple text, that simple snap, it reminded me that I was in someone's thoughts, that there was someone out there who cared for me. And that intentionality, they weren't always expecting that I was going to respond, but they followed up and they followed up just to let them know that, hey, Jay, you're on my mental radar.

[23:59] The second skill is practicing reflective or active listening.

[24:04] You know, during conversations, during a dialogue, try to truly understand the other person's perspective.

[24:12] And what that means is truly hearing their words and paying attention to their tone, watching their body language, and trying to be perceptive to some of the underlying emotions that might bubble up. You can simply use phrases such as, what I hear you saying is, or you can say, it sounds like you feel. Because what this does, it ensures that there's clarity, and it shows that you value their input. And it might be, I might say something like, okay, Jason, what I hear you saying is this. Now, Jason might say, exactly. And I feel that my feelings are being validated, that I'm heard. Or Jason might say, no, what I meant to say is this. And so we rewind a little to gain clarity in our conversation. Because these kind of reflective statements, they help confirm that you've understood and you've grasped the other person's message. And what that does, it encourages even deeper dialogue. And when you practice this level of attentiveness, it enhances and it fosters trust. And it creates a safe space for a more meaningful connection. You know, in organizations, as we've talked about, this is called psychological safety. You know, a third skill may be to share your story, to share your narrative, to.

[25:34] This is what vulnerability is about. You know, share a personal experience or challenge that might connect with the other person. Now, this openness, it's about trust and it deepens the bond. But it doesn't mean you have to overshare or bear all your struggles. Instead, it could be about finding moments of relatability where they can connect, where it resonates with them.

[26:02] And it may be, I don't know, something where you've overcome an adversity or you learned some sort of valuable lessons from an experience or some success that you have that they can connect to, that they may learn from, that may bridge that, that their particular adversity is not something that is unique to them, that their reaction, their thoughts and their emotions around that abnormal situation is actually quite normal because you went through the same thing. And that can help people feel a little more stable because this is a normal reaction to a crazy abnormal adversity. You know, for you leaders out there, you know, sometimes some leaders that I talk to have to show that they are perfect, that they are strong, that they are the rock, that nothing can crack them. But sometimes by sharing our vulnerability, sharing a story, sharing a struggle, it gives the other person a glimpse into your humanity and it encourages them to do the same.

[27:06] And what happens, it creates a space where you can share mutual understandings, mutual stories, and it deepens the connection.

[27:17] Another skill is to celebrate wins or it's to elevate others. And this may be more in organizations or in corporations, but it's also with our kids or with our friends too, of course. But it's about giving feedback. It's about saying great job and also giving the reasons why it's a great job so they can repeat that.

[27:38] Supportive or positive feedback is always a great mechanism that enriches relationships. But again, it has to be genuine. It has to be sincere. And a great one is also to elevate people. Just saying, you know what? Kudos to him. Kudos to her. It was her effort. It was his insights that took this task, this objective, this what have you, these circumstances to the next level. And it's through elevating others that helps boost their self-confidence,

[28:11] their self-worth and the belief in themselves. It helps them squash their own self-doubts and their own self-criticism sometimes. And sometimes we need that external signal from others that what we are doing is great and that it's on the right road and that really contributes to the relationship or the efforts or the objective or whatever. And one of the hardest skills to building social relationships and strengthening social bridges is about addressing conflict. A lot of us see conflict as a negative thing, but if you just see conflict as different perspectives, different opinions about something, and that something can be resolved and that both sides have positive intentions...

[28:55] Well, then what happens is we move from being critical to being more curious. There's a willingness when we see curiosity and the good and noble intentions of others, even though we disagree, and that might be wholeheartedly with them, that we are willing to resolve the problem. It's about framing conversations around mutual understanding. It's about focusing on finding solutions that benefit both parties. Now, it sounds like I'm negotiating here, but that's what it is in all relationships. There is some level of negotiations. There is some level of trying to find a peaceful resolution, something that works for both of us, maybe not 100% or some permutation of that. And I see that time and time again, those relationships that move through adversity, that move through conflict, they're the ones that last years and years and years and the depth of those relationships are so profound that you can see how healthy that relationship is. But that wasn't something that just happened. I can tell you there was a lot of storms, a lot of pitfalls, a lot of obstacles, a lot of conversations and arguments in order to get there.

[30:15] But it requires us to listen. It requires us to understand. It requires us to try to understand the other person's perspective. And trust me, that ain't easy. A lot of the times it is filled with frustration, agitation, irritation, anger, upset, what have you. But that's the rollercoaster of investing in relationships. And it's about inviting the other person to share their perspective, share their perspective.

[30:45] Perceptions of things. And it's trying to hold back. It's trying not to interrupt them. And it may be to use such phrases as such as, can you help me understand your perspective? Can you tell me a little more about what you're thinking? This sort of TED technique for tell, explain, describe, it's about asking questions in neutral ways so it doesn't seem like you're leading them down a particular path. So it might be, Jason, could you elaborate on that thought? Could you tell me more about your thinking behind that? Could you describe a little more your thoughts around that? So it's tell, explain, or elaborate and describe. It's a TED technique. And again, these are some of the techniques that I've found that my friends have used with me to help strengthen those relationships that I have with my wife and my kids. That I share in my professional practice, working with a number of clients as a sparring partner or teaching workshops. Again, this is not an exhaustive list, but this is what I've found helps with that 12th skill of building social bridges, about mastering resilience.

[32:05] So I've been talking for a good half an hour here, So these are supposed to be bite-sized Fridays. But anyways, you know, building social bridges, it's not about just forging connections, but it's about investing and nurturing in those relationships. You know, it's about trying to inspire each other, uplift and sustain regardless if it's good times or bad times or tribulations or, or tragedy. Relationships they remind us that resilience is not a solitary endeavor that it's about it's about the tribe it's about the collective it's about supporting each other because at the end of the day our brains thrive on rich deep sincere genuine social connections.

[32:58] Music.

[33:04] If you're curious to know how to build a contrarian mindset for greater resilience, fortitude tenacity psychological strength and a sense of well-being well you'll find links to the other episodes in the series in the show notes so make sure you hit that subscribe button and i'll be back next week with my long-form conversational episodes on monday and the latest Bite Sites episode on Friday. And have yourself a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend.

[33:32] Music.