Seeing Sideways - “Why Don’t They Get It?” Egocentric Bias Explained (and What to Do)

What changes when you stop assuming people “get it” and start checking what they actually heard?

In this chapter of Seeing Sideways, I break down egocentric bias—why we think others see what we see—and show simple ways to improve clarity, perspective-taking, and leadership communication. Walk away with practical prompts and routines that cut misunderstandings and build trust.

Key Takeaway Insights & Tools 

• Egocentric bias defined—“why we think others see what we see.” It tricks us into believing our intentions are obvious, our logic is universal, and our tone is clear. — 00:01:05
• The trap: brevity reads as cold, sarcasm lands as insult, “one pass” explanations don’t align teams. We blame their interpretation instead of our clarity. — 00:02:11
• The twist: this bias once saved effort in homogenous groups, but today diversity of contexts makes the shortcut unreliable. Projection ≠ connection. — 00:02:57–00:04:25
• The cost: trust erodes when we assume understanding. Vague instructions, misaligned teams, and conflicts that mistake “my reality” for the reality. — 00:04:25–00:05:46
• The contrarian move: perspective-taking, clarity checks, and reflective empathy. Ask, “What might they be seeing that I’m missing?” and make understanding a routine, not an accident. — 00:05:46–00:07:32

Chapters

• 0:16 Introduction to the Podcast
• 1:42 Practical Tips for Everyday Challenges

Transcript

0:07

Ever catch yourself focusing on what's wrong instead of what's possible? Or judging someone too quickly only to realize you were off? That's not a flaw. It's your brain doing what it was wired to do, taking shortcuts. In this special series, we're walking through my book, Seeing Sideways, One Chapter at a Time. Each episode explores a powerful cognitive bias that quietly shapes how we think, choose, and connect. These mental shortcuts helped our ancestors to survive. But today, they can cloud judgment, limit perspective, and chip away at well-being. So this isn't about fixing your brain. It's about understanding it so you can lead yourself with clarity, respond with intention, and build resilience from the inside out. This week, we're exploring another cognitive bias that influences the story we tell ourselves. And this week, we're going to explore the egocentric bias, why we think others see what we see. Now the egocentric bias is your brain's default tendency to assume that others see the world as you do. It subtly convinces you that your intentions are obvious and that your preferences are shared and that even your perspective is the standard. You're not trying to be self-centered, you're just using your own, the most familiar lens available. Now this bias is often invisible. It appears in phrases like, that's obvious, or it made sense to me. We unconsciously project our thinking onto others when we speak, when we plan, or when we decide. We assume our pace is right, our logic is universal, and our emotional tone is clear. But what seems like common sense to you may be confusing, abrupt, or even off-putting to someone else. Egocentric bias makes us believe we're being clear, when we're actually being cryptic. The Trap An example might be you dash off a short email because you value efficiency, being effective. The recipient, on the other hand, well, they interpret it as cold, as maybe even transactional. You make a sarcastic comment, expecting laughter, but it lands as an insult. You explain a process once and assume everyone's aligned because you understood it. The egocentric bias turns us into poor mind readers. We assume our attentions are self-evident and our emotions are on display. So when someone responds with confusion, frustration, or even disappointment, we're quick to blame their interpretation, rarely pausing to question the clarity of our own message. This bias shows up everywhere in meetings, parenting, partnerships, leadership, even in planning, like when you assume a colleague can complete a task quickly because you could. We mistake our approach for a shared one, and when people don't follow it, we assume they're off track, not that we might have left something out. The twist. Ego-centric bias evolved as a survival shortcut. In early tribal societies, assuming shared beliefs, values, and routines made sense. Because most people around you lived like you. Predicting others' behavior was easier when your context was homogenous. Using your mindset as a template for others was efficient and often accurate. But today, well, we live in a world of increasing cognitive, cultural, and emotional diversity. The assumption that others share our perceptions or our values, well, that's no longer safe. It can actually be a liability. And yet, well, our brains still default to the familiar, our internal world model. In modern communication, this creates friction. The more perspectives in the room, the less accurate our assumptions become. Still, we often act as though others should understand, should agree, or at least see it our way. That assumption isn't connection. It's simply projection. The cost. Egocentric bias quietly erodes communication. It causes unaddressed misunderstandings because we don't recognize they've occurred. We become impatient when people ask for clarification. We take offense when others don't get us. We assume our logic is neutral and fair when shaped by personal experience. It also distorts emotional visibility. You may feel frustrated when others miss your signals or shocked when they question your motives. You feel unseen, but forget that you haven't made yourself visible. You're reading your script and assuming everyone else knows their lines. And on top of that, maybe they don't even know the script exists or haven't even had a chance to read the script. In high-stakes situations, well, this bias undermines trust. It causes leaders to give vague instructions, teams to misalign, and partners to speak past each other. And it shows up in conflict, where we often believe our view is not just true, but it is the truth. But your reality, while valid, isn't universal. Others don't live inside your context. They don't know what you meant. They don't see what you see. That doesn't make them wrong. It just makes them different. The contrarian move. Countering egocentric bias involves intentionally stepping outside your perspective and to recognize that your viewpoint isn't universally shared. Deliberately adopting a stance of curiosity and openness, while it fosters clear communication and a deeper understanding... This contrarian approach cultivates empathy and generally enhances your ability to connect with others. Practice intentional perspective taking. Make it a habit to imagine how others might perceive your words or actions consciously. Regularly question your assumptions. For example, how might someone else interpret this differently? Or, if I were hearing this for the first time, how would it come across? By actively adopting alternative viewpoints, well, you reduce misunderstandings and foster stronger, more authentic relationships. Introduce regular checks for clarity. Build routine check-ins into your interactions. Simple questions like, does this make sense to you or what's your perspective on this? This helps to ensure shared understanding and to demonstrate openness to feedback. These checks turn potential communication gaps into opportunities. For clarification and connection, strengthening trust while reducing friction. Adopt reflective empathy. When confusion or frustration arises, instead of immediately reacting, pause and reflect with empathy. You might ask, what might they be seeing that I'm missing? Now, this reflective empathy transforms emotional reactions into moments of insight, shifting the focus from defending your perspective to understanding others. The result is enhanced emotional intelligence and better relationships. Clarity is resilience. Resilient communicators see misunderstanding not as a failure, but as an invitation to clarity. They recognize that true clarity is found in the intent behind their words and how their messages are received. Embracing perspective taking as a strategic strength, resilient individuals transform differences into learning opportunities, while improving adaptability and enhancing trust in all interactions. Your reality is real, but it's not the only one. The more perspectives you hold, the clearer yours becomes. So let me leave you with a little thinking practice. I want you to reflect on a recent conversation or conflict that resulted in misunderstanding or frustration. Now, consider what assumptions you made about the other person's perspective. Write down one clarifying sentence you wish you had used. Keep this sentence accessible as a practical reminder for future conversations, anchoring you in a greater clarity and connection. So let me share a little example from you from one of my clients, Tony. Now, Tony had just stepped into a new leadership role. He assumed everyone valued speed, independence, and minimal check-ins. He's just trying to be efficient because that also worked for him. So he set goals, delegated tasks, and gave people space. But feedback revealed a different story His team members felt unclear and disconnected At first, Tony was frustrated I told them the goal Why don't they just run with it? Then he paused and asked himself, what if I'm assuming too much? So Tony started holding brief weekly check-ins. Instead of repeating his instructions, he would instead ask, what's missing from your side of this? So slowly, trust deepened, communication improved, and Tony realized that leadership wasn't about transmitting. It was about tuning in. Same role, same goals, just a new lens, and a hell of a big difference. So this week, if you catch yourself saying or questioning in your head, why don't they get it? Pause for a second. Ask, what might they be seeing that I'm not? That single question shifts frustration into insight and from ego into empathy. So next week, we're going to explore the narrative fallacy. Why we rewrite our past to make it fit to our present beliefs. Thanks for listening to this episode of Seeing Sideways. These biases aren't flaws. They're part of how our brains make sense of a complex world. But with awareness, we can move from reaction to reflection, from assumption to intention. So if today's episode offered you a new perspective, please share it with someone who might benefit. Because the real work of thinking clearly, choosing wisely, and leading with purpose, while it's all an inside job. See you next time.