Things You Learn in Therapy
Things You Learn in Therapy
Ep 159: Seeing What We Miss in Love with Liz Polinsky
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Ever find yourself thinking, “Why are we here again?” when a familiar argument fires up? We dig into the hidden patterns that run your relationship on autopilot, and we show how to replace blame with growth by building emotional safety first. With Liz—an Emotionally Focused Therapy clinician, supervisor, and group practice owner—we trace the domino effect inside conflict: the trigger, the quick reaction, the story each partner tells, and the feeling that never gets airtime. Once you can see the cycle, you can change your move without abandoning your needs.
We talk about big blind spots—like alcohol misuse or compulsive behaviors—that can implode trust, and the smaller, daily misses that quietly erode connection. Think “I statements” used as weapons, reassurance that dismisses, and punctuality or tidiness becoming proof of whether someone cares. Intention and impact often split. You might mean to soothe but end up silencing; you might defend to be understood and accidentally trigger more defense. Liz explains how EFT creates emotional safety so partners can own their part without shame, validate the positive intention beneath clumsy behavior, and practice softer starts, clearer asks, and better repairs.
We also go behind the scenes on how therapists learn: why watching tape beats memory, how supervisors must create safety for honest growth, and why bringing your “worst” moments is the fastest path to skill. For couples, we challenge the wait-until-crisis mindset with a better frame—treat relationship learning as a developmental task. Start early, map your cycle, and build a foundation where differences are tolerable and care is unmistakable.
If you’re ready to swap autopilot for awareness and align your intentions with your impact, this conversation offers practical language, hopeful frameworks, and next steps you can try today. Subscribe, share with a friend who’d appreciate a nudge toward growth, and leave a review with the one pattern you plan to tackle this week.
This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, please contact 988 or seek a treatment provider in your area.
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Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com
www.bethtrammell.com
Hello, listener. Welcome back. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremell, and I am glad you are here. We have an amazing conversation coming up that I think is gonna be kind of equal parts enlightening, and maybe we're gonna rock some things in you today that might just unsettle you in um the best way, I hope. That's kind of the heart of all things that we do in therapy is to try to unsettle a few things to try to resettle them in a new way. And so I am just so grateful that uh my guest, Liz, came back to talk about the topic of blind spots. And so before we dig into that and kind of all that goes along with that, Liz, thanks for coming back and tell us a little about you. And as always, one fun thing about you that you got going on, or just, I don't know, just something fun.
Liz’s Growth And Piano Hobby
SPEAKER_00Yes, yeah. Thank you. Uh thank you for having me. I know I've been um on your podcast before and I've always enjoyed it. So I'm happy, happy to be back. I've been growing in the past while since I've seen you, as we all do. I've got, I've expanded to be a group practice now where I have employees, and and that has been uh definitely a huge growth process. And the other place that I'm growing that is my fun fact for you is I have decided to learn to play the piano. And so my husband is deployed and I needed a deployment hobby. And so as uh as an adult, I'm like taking piano lessons for the very first time in my life and trying to learn how to play piano. And it's pretty fun.
SPEAKER_01I love that. You know, you are the second guest that has come on this year with a I'm starting to play a musical instrument, new task.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. How fun, how fun that someone else is doing that too.
SPEAKER_01Well, it's just amazing. I mean, I just think I never kind of learned a musical instrument. And so I feel like that whole part of my brain has just been kind of untapped. And so I love that you are taking on this new hobby. And one of the things that is so valuable, I think, for folks who practice therapy is to really model that growth mindset and that like I'm gonna try new things and I wanna be open to new things because that's such an important part of the therapy process.
Growth Mindset And EFT Philosophy
SPEAKER_00Yes. Um, I know I, you know, there are so many different types of therapy, but especially how uh I work with emotionally focused therapy, we consider it a growth-oriented model that that we're not um our our goal is not necessarily um to treat mental health uh diagnoses, although we do do that in the process. Our our goal is to help people grow and to continue on their growth path. And so I think that's like a foundational thing that we we're all doing. We're all growing and we don't stop growing. And if we do stop growing, that's when we get kind of blocked in life.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's so funny because I, in the last probably two years or so, when I do speaking or presentations or things like that, I obviously share my like my occupational title as psychologist. But then I describe myself as a growth promoter.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I love that.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, actually, like a psychologist and psychiatrist, people don't ever know the difference. They think I, you know, can you prescribe me Xanax? No, I'm just the talking kind of doctor. And then people are disappointed, you know, they're like, oh, I don't I don't want you. But but it's so yeah, I've kind of been like, listen, at the end of the day, what I want you to be is a little bit better after an encounter with me. And if I've done that, then I've I feel good about what I can do in the world. And so even if it's a tiny shift, a tiny realization, I think that's at the heart of who I am and who I want to be. And so I'm obviously biased, and so that's why I love it so much.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. I I really like hearing that. I actually have like chills. I feel a little bit like in sync with you. But one of the things that I'm thinking about in relation to growth that is part of our our topic really today is kind of like growing pains. I I just have the memory of my sister when I was growing up. She had like I never really had growing pains, but like she had pain in her bones. I guess nowhere. But she had like physical pain from growing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
Defining Blind Spots And Growing Pains
SPEAKER_00And I think that is part of what happens when we are trying to find our blind spots. That if we are kind of blocked, if we're feeling stuck, if we're not growing somehow and feeling unfulfilled that way, that there is some sort of blind spot that we're not looking at. And the process of looking at that can actually be a little bit painful.
SPEAKER_01I love this sort of parallel and I love kind of this introduction to what we're going to talk about because I think it's a good way for people to be able to wrap their head around why we also then sometimes avoid examining our blind spots, right? Because we naturally want to avoid pain, whether it's physical or emotional. Um, and so I think it's natural for us to avoid wanting to kind of look for those areas that I may not be strong, I may not have it all together. And that's kind of at the heart of what we're talking about in terms of blind spots. So when you talk with folks about blind spots, how do you, how do you kind of describe it for them so they can start to wrap their head around what you're talking about?
Couples Blame Cycles And Supervision
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah. So I'm I'm thinking I have two places that I do this more frequently. I I work with clients, uh like with couples, and I'm often helping couples find their blind spots because they will want to come in and say that the partner is the problem.
SPEAKER_01Oh my goodness, I can only imagine. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00Uh and that can that can take some some work to help people see how they are contributing to the challenges in their relationship. And then I also do this with my supervisees who I help learn EFT. And the main way that we do this is we watch videotapes of their work. So that way we can see what they're doing, what they're actually doing versus what they're they think they're doing.
SPEAKER_01You know, we um we kind of connected about this a bit before uh we started recording and I shared that I agree that as a trainer of graduate students and a master's in mental health counseling program, watching videos is the uh best and about only tool I think can really help therapists and training grow. I mean, if you don't see it as a therapist, it's just it's like you just think I'm doing the right thing, I'm being helpful, my client is responding. But sometimes the clients are responding because they don't know that they should tell you that they're not responding.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Or they don't feel comfortable doing that, whatever, you know.
SPEAKER_00Yes, there's so much to learn from from watching tapes. Uh yeah, it's like a a treasure trove. And and I also am thinking about the couples that I work with who who sometimes like will record their partner.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And they'll be like, see, this is what my partner does. Of course, they don't record themselves.
SPEAKER_01Right, right. But kind of less that that, you know, that's kind of less important, you know, that I am reflecting or turning flipping the camera around, you know.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
Why Video Review Changes Learning
SPEAKER_01Okay. So what let's let's start with unpacking some of this uh with the couples work that you're doing. As you are, you know, kind of encountering couples that are coming in and they're like, well, he does this or she does that or they do this, and you're kind of like, okay. For me, it feels like, you know, the initial thing that I would want to do is like slow folks down. But what is kind of the first step of getting people to recognize, oh, yeah, I'm I might have a blind spot here in this particular area of my relationship.
Mapping Patterns: The Domino Effect
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think the first thing that I do out outside of just, you know, like an assessment and forming a relationship with them is we're we're tracking the systemic pattern that happens. And we do this in individual EFT, EFIT, EFT for individuals, as well as EFT for couples or EFT for families. So I want to find um kind of what I like to think of like the dominoes. When when this domino gets flicked, how do all the other dominoes fall? And is there a consistent pattern in how that goes?
SPEAKER_01What I love the most is that, you know, I kind of said, what's the first thing you do? And your therapist brain went immediately to, well, I don't do anything until I gather information and I build a relationship with them. Right. I mean, it's like, yes, that's exactly. I mean, that should be the answer to almost everything, you know, where it's like, well, first I have to build rapport. I have to get them to trust me in the therapy process, and then we can start to point out blind spots in folks. And and I think it's actually a good reminder for clients, therapists, and training, just kind of all humans. Before we start like pointing out where people are wrong, you probably have to build a relationship with them first.
Emotional Safety Before Feedback
SPEAKER_00Yes. I am glad, I'm glad you pointed that out because one of the things that I think about is emotional safety. Like to to grow and to look at my blind spots does require that I'm in a place of emotional safety, whether that is counseling or whether that's me learning as a therapist how to improve my skills. I need to first feel safe to learn and explore. And if I don't have that safety, I can't, I can't do it. That's the it like blocks blocks the path from an attachment perspective. I can't, I can't move forward if I'm not safe.
SPEAKER_01I think this might resonate with people to realize, yeah, you know, I'm not moving forward in this particular relationship, or I'm not feeling comfortable coming to my supervisor with this issue because I don't feel emotional safety with that person. That doesn't mean we just break up with the relationship, or we just, you know, quit, or we just say, like, so how do you encourage folks to be aware of emotional safety, strengthen that emotional safety? And again, kind of to this point, I think sometimes similar to the well, I'm gonna bring a video of somebody else's issues, that like emotional safety kind of takes two people. And so there are certainly things that the other person could do to make you feel more emotionally safe. But I have to imagine there's also things that we need to do to like prepare ourselves for being able to receive that safety.
Validating Intentions Versus Outcomes
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So I I actually like if I'm working with a couple or a family, um, I'm not asking them to be safe for each other yet, because most of the time they they're not able to be safe for each other yet. So so I'm the safe person in the room as the therapist. And then that is part of what we first work on. We first work on how can we see the pattern of what makes you both feel unsafe in your relationship. And then with me being the safe person, that involves like a lot of understanding where each of them is coming from and not overly pathologizing or telling them that they are bad, but really looking for their uh their good intentions behind their behavior, even though it is not always getting the result that they want.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love this pull back the curtain kind of in terms of the therapy process that you know, therapists are modeling the healthy relationship that then hopefully can transfer to another person in their kind of life, right? I mean, I think that's at the end, the goal is not to be in therapy forever, but to learn the things you need to learn. And so I love that you're sharing this part of the process where the therapist kind of takes that role on so that other people can see what that looks like, but also so people can feel what safety feels like.
SPEAKER_00Yes. And then when if they feel safe with me, then I can start pointing out the blind spots. Yeah. So so then I might be tracking the systemic nature of it, the the domino pattern. So, like I'm tracking that that's really frustrating when your partner does this. And then what do you do? Um, well, that well, then I get angry and I get defensive. And I and I can look at, well, what are you hoping to achieve? Like, what are you hoping will happen when you get defensive? Well, I'm I'm hoping that they'll finally hear me and and stop just seeing me as a as a bad person. So I can I can really validate you have a positive intention here, that you you defend yourself because you so badly want them to hear you, to understand you, to see you as as your part as their partner, as the person who loves you. And also when you get defensive, it leads to this next step in this pattern where then they get defensive back, they feel like they weren't heard, um, and it just kind of keeps going around in a circle.
Shame Blocks Insight And Change
SPEAKER_01Yeah, actually, yesterday doing uh um training and restorative practices and restorative practices also has kind of a similar set of restorative questions that kind of a parallel process, but different kind of modalities or or or theories behind the question. But at the heart of it, it's getting people to get into a non-defensive stance to see their side of kind of the relationship struggle or whatever's kind of going on. And so I I love the creation of the safety. And then when it's a safe place, I can then ask questions and a person can feel like I can admit to these blind spots because I think that's it's kind of a scary thing to admit to having a blind spot in a situation where you're like, okay, well, now I have to like kind of sit with this part of this blind spot, this blind spot is impacting my relationship. And I actually have a role to play in that.
SPEAKER_00Yes. And I know you're you and I before the before the episode were talking about shame. Because if I don't have safety, yeah, then the immediate place I go is shame when my blind spot gets pointed out. Yep. And um, I'm thinking about this. I'm I'm having like many examples coming to my mind right now. But yeah, of course, with couples, this is this is why the video taping of your partner doesn't work.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
Bring Your Worst Tapes To Grow
SPEAKER_00Because then when you're like, see what you're doing on this tape, it just creates shame. And they can't they can't take in or examine the blind spot when when there's shame. Yep. Um, I'm also thinking about the process of learning therapy. And uh you you learn things in therapy and you learn things becoming a therapist. Yes. And um and watching videotapes is one of the best ways to learn what you're doing. But when I actually see it on the tape, if I don't have a supportive supervisor where I feel really safe to be growing, to be a non-expert. Because often therapists feel like I should be the expert in the room and something is wrong with me. I'm not a good enough therapist, maybe I shouldn't even be a therapist. I've had times in the past where um if I was still in the process of building safety with people who who I was training, they would only bring me their best tapes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I would say, you know, this is lovely, but I want you to bring me your worst tapes. That's where the growing happens. That's where where we can really learn to improve. Um, but that safety has to come has to come first. So that way the automatic response isn't to go into shame, but to go into how can I learn, how can I learn and grow and be be okay being a non-expert.
SPEAKER_01Oh, so good. Yeah, I I'm thinking about the supervisees who might be listening. And maybe they are like, yeah, I do that. I I want to just bring the best of what I can do. And maybe that's rooted in the safety you feel or don't feel with your supervisor, or maybe that's rooted in perfectionism, or it's rooted in I have to prove myself. I mean, I think back to some of my early days of being a therapist, and I remember being like, I want my supervisor to be proud of me. I want them to feel like I'm not going to, you know, make them lose their license or ruin their career by doing or saying things. And so I remember that push pull as even a trainee myself, thinking, what's the right balance of sharing all of the yuck that I that I did in some of those early sessions with also, you know, I had this desire to protect my supervisor. And so I look back at that now as a supervisor myself, and I'm like, man, I wish I would have had a more open conversation about the supervisor, supervisee relationship. Yeah. I just did, I don't, I don't think I had the I just didn't have the mechanism to do that then.
Personhood Isn’t On Trial
SPEAKER_00And I think that is um really the role of the supervisor, like in helping create safety and helping to create the emotional safety. I would probably put that more on the supervisor's job to create the safety, like the therapist creates the safety in the room with clients versus on the supervisee. Of course, if the if the supervisee has awareness, it might be helpful for them to bring it up. But yeah, it's very, it's very hard, especially at the very beginning. Like if you're a student intern, you're just recently graduated, but the learning doesn't stop there. Like even I so I've been over 10 years, I don't know how long, but it's been over 10 years as a therapist. I'm certified, I'm certified as a supervisor in all three modalities of EFT. And I still get supervision. And I still show my tapes to my own supervisor. And I'm in group supervision and individual supervision showing tapes, and um uh it's still nerve-wracking. It's not as nerve-wracking as it was in the beginning, but the the more you can start off with a mindset of growth, yeah, that I'm always gonna be growing. And the these people who are my supervisors or consultants, they're not evaluating my personhood.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, they are trying to help help me keep growing. Yeah. That can really, really help.
Big Blind Spots Versus Small Ones
SPEAKER_01You know, I love what you said, that they're not evaluating my personhood. And I I think that probably also is true in couples. That at the heart of what we're trying to do is get this to be true, that you know, one couple or one part of the couple is not evaluating their personhood based on their just like their possession of a blind spot or the pointing out of the blind spot.
SPEAKER_00Yes, that's absolutely true in most cases. In most cases. Yeah. Because um, oftentimes when somebody in a in a couple starts owning their blind spot and starts saying, Oh yeah, I do do this, and here's why I have been doing this, the other partner is usually relieved. They're like, I'm so glad you are finally seeing this. Um, in fact, I just did, I'm switching to family therapy, but I myself went through EFT family therapy with my mom. And um, when I had been like, I had been the one trying to point out her blind spot. And when she saw it, when she finally saw it in therapy, I was just so relieved. I was. Like finally. And it wasn't about evaluating her. It was about wanting her to see it so we could move forward.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that is what's happening with most couples.
SPEAKER_01Yes. I love that. Yeah. And thanks for sharing that. I think it's such a you know, we've been talking about couples, but every family, every part of the family is gonna have blind spots, right? I mean, that is it true that everybody has blind spots?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think that's pretty universally.
SPEAKER_01I would think I would think so too. I mean, it's like, you know, but you know, in the back of my mind, I was thinking, you know, there might be a listener or two out there that's like, okay, you therapists, here you go. You know, it's like, I'm just living my life and I'm just fine. Is there ever a time where let's do this? Okay, is there is there ever a time where just ignoring your blind spots is better?
Intention And Impact Mismatch
SPEAKER_00Oh no, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. Um uh you know, you you may have like a lot going on in life. So you may you may be aware of a blind spot, but not quite ready to total like to really work on it. Yeah, okay. I could see times where maybe you might need more resources, like more, more life stability, kind of like emotional safety to do the work. Yep. But to not be aware of it at all, I don't think would ever be in someone's best interest because they're gonna just repeat their pattern, whatever whatever their pattern is around that blind spot, and they'll they'll continue to to feel stuck.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I think one thing you had kind of said is that uncovering those really helps align our intentions with our kind of behaviors, right? I think that's kind of at the heart of it, right? Is that when things happen, it's like, oh, well, I didn't mean to do that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That wasn't my intention. And so for anybody who is like, well, I just am fine. I just live in denial and it's just better to not have to think about it or face it. That's kind of the, I don't know if I want to say consequence, but it's kind of like it's kind of like, well, if we don't if we don't open our eyes to some of these things, if we don't kind of seek wanting to know some of these things about ourselves, then we're going to inadvertently re-repeat patterns of things that are maybe not in alignment with what we want to do or how we want to live our life.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Yeah. So I'm thinking about reassurance right now as I say that. Because um there a lot of times, whether it's in couples or families, somebody will say, like, oh, you don't need to feel that way. Their atten their intention is to be reassuring, but the impact, the impact is different. Intention and impact are not always the same. And the impact is that it leads many people to feeling dismissed.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh dismissed and and unheard and kind of like shoed away. Yes. And they may not ever know that. You know, someone may never know that they're if they're not trying to look at blind spots, and if they don't have a family member who's willing to say, like, that's not working for me when you do it that way, they may continue to just repeat the pattern. And then uh, you know, I'll say for myself, if someone is just gonna, if I am gonna continually feel dismissed, even if your intention is reassurance, I'm gonna want distance in that relationship. I'm gonna pull away, I'm gonna maybe invest in other relationships more. And that um could could then create more problems or or even lead to the ending of a relationship.
Differences, Triggers, And Conflict
SPEAKER_01Okay, so the thing I'm thinking about right now is that, you know, we're talking about this idea of blind spot, and I think some folks might be thinking about big things, right? So, like, you know, hey, I have this bias or whatever that I had from being raised in a family a certain way or whatever it is, right? So I'm I'm thinking folks think about blind spots and kind of like a big thing, like I've got a big blind spot. But I'm coming back to your metaphor of the dominoes. And dominoes are not big.
SPEAKER_00No, they're small.
SPEAKER_01Dominoes are very small. And I wonder if you can speak to that, kind of give examples of perhaps big blind spots that might be what people have in the front of their mind, but then also what are those tiny, what are the other tiny blind spots that are, in my opinion, maybe more detrimental to the everyday part of your life? Yeah. Or am I just thinking about this in the wrong way?
SPEAKER_00No, I think I think they both exist. And I was just having a debate inside myself if the small ones lead to the big ones. Uh, I'm I'm not sure. I might need to think more.
SPEAKER_01Think more okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So, like big ones could be um alcohol use. That's a common blind spot for many people where they they say, No, my alcohol is not a problem, even though everyone in their family feels like it's a problem, and they say, Nope, it's not a problem.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, and that can be can be pretty big. Yeah. I've I've also known um some compulsive sexual behavior can be a rather large blind spot. Yeah, and it's often hidden. It's often hidden from from family, uh, from families. And then it gets exposed, it's a it's a huge, huge deal. Yes. And um, I've even had some clients who will tell me, like, I do keep doing this, but I have no idea why I keep doing it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
Compromise, Tolerance, And Care
SPEAKER_00Or will even sometimes talk about like a this this one is more rare, but I have had people say like uh, I don't even remember doing it, you know, but they're the evidence is there. So those are rather large, those are large, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, blind spots. But uh also many people don't have large ones, they have smaller, smaller ones. Like like many people think they're being they're sharing vulnerably. Like you you'll hear lots of stuff in the couples' world about using I statements, you use I statement to share vulnerably. And they may think that they're sharing vulnerably because on the inside they feel pretty vulnerable with the feelings. But actually, then what they say is, I think you're a piece of shit. Like they say, they they don't actually share vulnerably or you use the skill in the way that it's meant to be used. Um, and that would be like probably a sm a small, I don't know, maybe a medium blind spot, but that would be uh definitely smaller than like alcohol or something. They have a positive intention, but yeah, the the impact, the way it's coming out is not landing how they're intending.
Why Couples Wait Too Long For Help
SPEAKER_01I'm just I think we're both kind of giggling because I have had so many, so many things over the years where people are like, well, I used the thing you told me to do. And I was like, did you? I'm gonna need you to play that tape back because I'm not sure that was exactly how I said you might want to do that skill. So I think it's kind of like the therapist, kind of like uh I'm like cringing myself to to wait for the explanation of the thing they did that I told them to do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Well, and this this is where I go back to growth because um I also have to be willing to fail at the skill that I'm learning before I can can get it down. So um so in my in that example, we're definitely not using the skill, but I'm appreciating the attempt, and then we can refine. Um I have had clients who have done something like that, and it's like I just don't even care. I don't care if I hurt my partner. Yeah. You know, and that's different.
Therapy As A Developmental Task
SPEAKER_01You know, it's funny that you kind of led to this because I was thinking too, even in my own relationship, right? I was thinking about blind spots in this kind of way, and you can be like, yes, those are the dominoes I'm talking about, or you'd be like, no, actually, you're not thinking about it the right way. But I'm thinking about things that my tendency is to not be early anywhere, because I believe I can get one more thing done. So if it's like, I have 10 minutes, I mean I could do a load of laundry, get a meal prepped for later, and inevitably that's not enough time. And so um, alternatively, my husband would prefer to be 10 minutes early everywhere. He's like, you know, if I say we're leaving at four, we're walking out the door at 3:45. And I'm like, what do you mean? You said we were leaving at four, and I'm ready at four. But he's like, No, you're ready at 4.02, and I really wanted to leave at 345. And so that's one example that I have in my mind. But then the other example is like, he also likes to be tidier, and I kind of just like, you know, take my shoes off wherever they are, and then they just kind of like so I think about those things that like it's in my awareness that those things bother him. But I think the way I'm thinking about this is that the blind spot for me is then how it impacts him, like on the day-to-day. Like, would that be kind of the domino you're talking about? That it's like, I know it bothers him, but I don't like pause to think about it long enough to be like, oh, it probably is really annoying to him in the same ways that when he does things that are annoying to me, and I'm like, how dare he do that? That's so annoying.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I think it has the potential to be. And so where I have two thoughts going through my mind is that we need space to allow people to be different in relationships. So everyone has kind of like a cultural difference from their families that they grow up in, which can relate to cleanliness and time management. And and if it's not triggering anything deeper, if it's like a like a mild annoyance because we're not the same person, then I don't know if that is really a blind spot. I would be I would be thinking this is normal human variation of like learn of learning to live with a somebody who is not just you. Um but where then I would go where maybe it is a blind spot is if it if there um if it's really reactive, that would be one of the signs that I would be looking for. If it creates a lot of conflict, we're not in that place of uh we're different and we can accept our differences. If it's creating quite a bit of conflict, then there likely is some blind spots going on around it because a lot is getting triggered.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so I love I love that where it's like, okay, every relationship, this this word compromise, and I know we're we're almost wrapping up, and I'm bringing up the word compromise in relationships to an EFT therapist. I'm sure you're like, really? You're gonna drop that right there. Yep, sure am, Liz. Yeah, sure am. But I I think as you're talking, I kind of conceptualize it as, yeah, I mean, every relationship, we have to like learn to tolerate. We have to compromise, which basically means you just have to tolerate that people are different. They're gonna live in your house, they're gonna live in your relationship, and it's gonna be different than what you would maybe think they're supposed to or prefer or whatever. And so I think what I hear you saying too is those things are going to exist in every relationship. You're not gonna find a relationship that always does and lives and is and bees exactly the way you want them to live and does and breathe and bees.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I'm thinking about the I'm bringing in Gottman, which is not EFT. Um, I'm thinking about the Gottman research. Um, that 69% of couples' problems are not solvable because they are personality differences or differences in lifestyle preferences.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's a good reminder about 70% of the things that bother you. Could we say it this way? About 70% of the things that bother you, that it's just gonna be what it is.
SPEAKER_00Yes. And so so um we do want to tolerate like uh annoyances like like time. Like we are just we just navigate time slightly different. The thing that we don't necessarily want to tolerate is if on the inside I am always feeling like my partner doesn't care about me. That that that's where I would make the the distinction. I don't think not being on time is uh is evidence of that. But if I took it to mean that, then there's more for us to work on as a couple in in the foundation of our relationship to to know that you care about me, regardless of whether you're on time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I love that. I think it's a good sort of reminder to say every relationship, you have to tolerate a certain number of things. And if it feels harder and harder and harder to tolerate those things, then it may be worth getting support to work together as a couple. And maybe we'll maybe we'll sort of end here. I think there is this, there's this, there's a misconception that couples therapy is sort of only for folks who are in super high conflict. Maybe they're going through a divorce, they're thinking about divorce, there was, you know, infidelity in the relationship. I don't know. I I feel like there's folks out there that are like, we don't actually need couples therapy because we don't have like major big issues. What would you what would you recommend to that person who is like, huh, I kind of feel some of these things. I think my partner feels some of these things. But we've kind of been under that that idea that, well, things aren't so bad. Maybe we don't need therapy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm I'm having several thoughts. So I I think I would encourage them to go to therapy because we know from research that couples tend to wait six years after problems have started to go to couples therapy. And so the the reason that that's like the association, that it's for people who are thinking about divorce, is because so many people wait until it's a crisis versus addressing it earlier. And um and really I I think of this as a developmental task because we are growing, because we are always growing, that when couples get together those first few years, it is a developmental task to learn how to to notice blind spots, to talk about them, to navigate their cycle together. And that couples who learn to navigate that together do better. And those who don't learn how to do that show up six years later. So um I think this is something that they can work on like getting familiar with their with their cycle in premarital counseling. They could do it in the first years to form the foundation, help in forming, yeah, I guess I'm just saying the the foundation of how of growing through that together, that phase. Um so I would always say uh deal with it early, don't wait for it to be a crisis, because when it is a crisis, sometimes the pain is too much for people to have anything left for them to want to work on it.
SPEAKER_01I I love, I wrote this down, like a genotherapy is a part of the, you know, it's one of the developmental tasks of relationships. I love that. I had never really thought about that. I I think we think about individuals and their development, but we don't think about a relationship being something that also needs development.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I I don't have any site uh source to cite on that. That's just how I conceptualize it. Yeah, yeah. I love it.
How To Find Liz & Closing
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I love that. Okay. So listen, hey, how do people find you in the work you're doing? I know you have a podcast, you have this EFT training center that you were working on your own blind spots with, which I love. And um, yeah, so tell people how they can find you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so you you can find us at communicateandconnect.com. We are in Virginia. We have offices for counseling in Virginia Beach in Fairfax, Virginia, and then we have our podcast. We work with a lot of military and veteran couples and families, and so our podcast is is a bit tailored to military populations, although it's got a lot of good information for everybody.
SPEAKER_01I love it. I am so glad you said yes to coming today. It was such a joy to kind of explore this with you and learn about things in my own life and my own relationship today. So I hope that you, listener, learned a nugget or two, can walk away with a nugget or two. And until next time, stay safe. Stay well. Ciao.
