EP176: The First Two Minutes

The fastest way to turn pickup time into a power struggle is to start with a checklist: seatbelt, behavior report, homework, chores, questions, questions, questions. If you’ve ever watched your kid shut down the second they get in the car, we get it and there’s a better first move.

I’m Dr. Beth Trammell, a licensed psychologist, and I’m sharing one of my favorite tools for improving child behavior without raising your voice: pairing. Pairing is a simple, ABA-informed strategy that helps parents and teachers build connection on purpose so kids are more willing to follow directions later. We break down what pairing is (and what it isn’t), why kids often experience “How was your day?” as pressure, and how small moments of warmth can lower frustration for everyone.

You’ll hear exactly when to use pairing (the first 15 seconds to two minutes after being apart), what to avoid during that window (commands and rapid-fire questions), and what to say instead. We also talk through easy scripts, morning and after-school routines, and quick connection options like a smile, a compliment, a hug, or a fist bump to create the psychological safety that makes cooperation more likely.

If you try this connection-first approach, share what changes for your family or classroom. Subscribe, share this with a parent or teacher who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

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Welcome And Why Connection Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hey everyone, welcome back to Kids These Days. I'm your host, Dr. Beth Tremell. I am a licensed psychologist and I specialize in working with kids and families, and my focus really is to build connection between parents and kids or teachers and kids. And everything I do is really focused on helping us be intentional with the things we say and, well, frankly, the things we don't say, and how we can decrease our frustration when we interact with

The Go-To Tool I Teach

SPEAKER_00 0:35

kids. And today I'm gonna share with you one of my favorite tools that I teach over and over and over again at just about every workshop or training. I've written a chapter about it in my book, and um it's just for me, building and keeping connected to, you know, our kids, but but frankly, everyone, is the key to getting them to do the things we need them to

What Pairing Means In Real Life

SPEAKER_00 1:01

do. And so I started training folks on this behavioral strategy called pairing. So pairing is actually a behavioral tool that we use a lot in ABA therapy, but for me, it is a very simple and very generalizable skill that parents can use over and over and over, teachers can use over and over and over when we're trying to reconnect with our kids. So pairing is actually very simple. It's just something that we forget to do so often. So pairing is our way of connecting with our kids every day to remind them, I like you, you like me, right? We're together in this thing. It doesn't mean we're trying to get them to be our friend, right? This is something very different from that. It's really just about having this psychological and emotional connection to a person so that when we have to have a conversation, when I have to ask you to, you know, unload the dishwasher, you're more likely to do it because you feel connected to

Use The Reconnect Window

SPEAKER_00 2:10

me. So it's really simple. Every time you are away from your child, whether that's them sleeping or you have gone to work or they've gone to school, I want you to really target that time as soon as you re-engage with one another. So it may be the first 15 seconds to two minutes where you're really focused

Why Questions Feel Like Demands

SPEAKER_00 2:33

on connection. So, what does that look like? Well, it looks like not asking lots of questions. It looks like not giving lots of instructions. So think about it. You come home from work, and the first thing that happens as soon as you walk in is you're flooded with lots of information, lots of questions, lots of demands. Okay, come on, come over here, we gotta go over here. Can you do this? Can I have this? Can we do this? You know, I'm picturing those days when I would come home from work and I would have two or three of my kids come up and just bombard me with questions. You know, I'm just I'm sitting here having heart palpitations thinking about it, right? Where it's like, whoa, let me just get in the door, right? Our kids are really similar. So if if they're walking in the door, if they're getting in the car at the pickup line and you're like, put your seatbelt on, how was your day? Were you on green? Were you on red? Were you on yellow? Did you listen to your teacher? How was your math test? Your kid's like, whoa, how about hi? I haven't seen you in a while. It's good to see you. Right? So the first thing to keep in mind is to try to hold back those questions and those commands or those instructions until after you've just spent that first few seconds or couple of minutes reconnecting. Then you can go into, yeah, we have to put your seatboat on, or yeah, I want to hear about your math test. So what do we say

Better Phrases For Better Buy-In

SPEAKER_00 4:00

instead? Instead of questions and commands, we say something like, I can't wait to hear about how your math test went. Hi, I'm happy to see you. Hey, good morning. I have waffles for breakfast for you downstairs. You can give a nice compliment. Anything that just says, I like you, you like me, I love you, you love me, we're connected, and then I can go into getting them to do the things that I need them to do. Try really hard to hold back those, how are you? How was your day? What do you want to tell me kinds of questions? Because our kids see all of those questions as commands. And so when we try to flip this and and reconnect before we ask all the questions, you may be really shocked to see how your kids will respond in a positive way because you're focusing on the relationship before focusing on gathering lots of information.

Quick Connection Ideas And Wrap

SPEAKER_00 4:59

So the short story is in that first couple of minutes when you reconnect after school, after work, in the morning, after they've taken a nap. Try to focus on connection, maybe a physical connection, giving them a hug, putting your arm around them, just smiling, giving them a fist bump. Just make it anything that you and your child can reconnect with, and then you can move into the rest of the things you need them to do. Would love to hear from you if you've tried this at home. Feel free to shoot me an email or give a shout out on social media. Would love to hear if you've been practicing this and let us know how it goes. Until next time, stay safe and stay well, everyone.