Episode #143: “Have You Lost Weight?”—The Conversation You Didn’t Ask For

In this episode of Conquer Your Weight, Dr. Sarah Stombaugh explores a reality that almost everyone on a weight loss journey experiences—other people noticing and commenting on your body. Sometimes it’s a compliment that feels awkward, sometimes it’s curiosity that crosses boundaries, and sometimes it’s outright criticism.

Dr. Stombaugh breaks down:

• Why people feel compelled to comment on your weight (and why it often says more about them than about you).
• How to protect your emotional well-being when faced with unsolicited remarks.
• Practical responses you can use—from gracious acceptance to boundary-setting.
• The importance of remembering that your body and your journey are yours alone.

Whether you’ve already experienced these interactions or want to prepare for them, this episode will help you navigate weight-related comments with confidence, compassion, and a strong sense of self.

You’ll Learn:

• The difference between compliments that empower and ones that sting.
• Why even “positive” weight loss comments can feel uncomfortable.
• Strategies to shift the focus away from your body and back to what matters to you.
• Scripts and responses you can use in real-life situations.

Listen now to learn how to handle comments about your weight in a way that supports your journey—and keeps the power in your hands.

Ready to get started on your weight loss journey? We're enrolling patients now for in-person visits in Charlottesville, Virginia and for telemedicine throughout the states of Illinois, Tennessee, and Virginia. Visit www.sarahstombaughmd.com to learn more and get started today. 

Transcript

Dr. Sarah Stombaugh:
This is Dr. Sarah Stombaugh, and you are listening to the Conquer Your Weight Podcast.

Announcer:
Welcome to the Conquer Your Weight Podcast, where you will learn to understand your mind and body so you can achieve long-term weight loss. Here's your host, obesity medicine physician and life coach, Dr. Sarah Stombaugh.

Dr. Sarah Stombaugh:
Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's episode where we are talking about a very common thing that happens in the weight loss journey is when other people comment on your body, they notice that you've been losing weight, they start to make comments, and these can range from really positive and encouraging to sometimes downright negative and discouraging. And nonetheless, in the whole spectrum of comments, it can be really uncomfortable comfortable learning how to tackle these, feeling like you owe people an explanation or, you know, creating a lot of mind drama about if and why people are or are not noticing. 

And so today we are going to dive in that, talk about the fact that people do comment on our weight, which in and of itself, I don't love that we're commenting on other people's bodies, but why they're doing it, the type of comments they may be making. And then most of importantly when this happens how do you interpret that how do you respond to that and how do you practice this because if it has not come up yet during your weight loss journey it likely will and when it does I want you to feel equipped for how to handle this if you've already been in your weight loss journey and practicing this but just haven't gotten into a good routine of what do I say when people make comments we will talk through some ideas and hopefully you will get some fun ideas that you can practice using and fun is totally the wrong word to describe it, but some ideas of things and ways that you can respond so that you feel more confident and less awkward when this happens. This, unfortunately, when we think about our weight, it is one of the very few medical conditions that lives on the outside of our body. And because it's on the outside of our body, on the inside of our body as well, but we see that externally, other people note and we live in a society where our culture cares a lot about weight. 

You know, our culture, a lot of times equates weight loss with success. We may have ideas about weight loss and beauty, weight loss and health, and our society propagates this idea. And so people comment, they may be curious. You know, a lot of times people are curious for themselves. They're noticing a change in you and they're wondering, oh my gosh, how do I do with that in my own life? People may be projecting their own insecurities and it may not have anything to do at all, or may even just be habitual where people are saying things like, wow, you look great. And maybe they're used to saying that to anybody in their life. And that could mean everything from, wow, you look well rested, to you look like you've lost weight, to you look healthy, to you look happy, you look great, could mean a lot of different things. And so maybe we're even taking common that didn't really have to do with our weight at all, but we're internalizing them. Or there's that kind of icky underlying message of they did mean it, you know, they did mean it about their weight. And these comments can land really differently. Sometimes it depends on who the commenter is. It may feel very differently coming from your spouse or your best friend, but it may feel a lot different coming from an extended family member, a neighbor, a coworker, someone with whom is more of an acquaintance or someone with whom you don't have as close of a relationship with, that is going to certainly make a really big difference. It's also going to matter what the actual words they use are and what was their tone of voice when they said those things, because certain compliments feel, even if they're trying to be positive, it can be really uncomfortable. 

These compliments may feel like they're objectifying you, saying things like, oh my gosh, you look amazing. I didn't even recognize you. The person who is saying those words may mean that in a positive way, but how does one respond to that? There may be other comments that are neutral, but still really curious. Oh my gosh, you've lost so much weight. How much have you lost? Oh my gosh, what have you been doing? You haven't been using those injections, have you? Asking questions like that, questions that are negative or comments that are negative or undermining like, oh my gosh, you're wasting away the magic disappearing woman. Oh, you look too thin. Are you okay? Oh my gosh. Like you're, you're just going to see that weight come right back on. Oh my gosh. Have you heard about some of the side effects of those medications? You're not using those weight loss medications. Haven't you heard that XYZ bad result can happen? And these different types of comments will land really differently. And so the emotional impact of that may reflect some of our internalized patterns of linking our self-worth to the size of our body. There may be a lot of shame or embarrassment. There may be a lot of pressure in these situations, maybe comparison that is coming up either externally or internally comparing. And so a lot can really happen. 

So what I want to invite you is that this is your journey and it is nobody's damn business. It is your body. It is your journey. It is your story. And your weight loss goes beyond the way your body appears, the size that it is the number on the scale, the clothing size that you fit into. It is about your health. It is about your energy. It is about your confidence. It is about so much more than just those weight and numerical metrics. And you do not owe anybody an explanation. You do not owe them numbers. You do not owe them details. I think, especially in this day and age of medicated weight loss journeys, there's a lot of questions about, oh my gosh, should you use Ozempic or Wegovy? Oh my gosh, did you use those drugs? Did you do it the natural way? It is nobody's business and you do not owe anybody an explanation. If we think about any other health condition, you know, a lot of times I think about, okay, if you have high blood pressure, if you have depression, you're taking a medication for your blood pressure, taking a medication to help support your mood because you've been dealing with depression. Who are the people in your life that you would share that information with? A lot of times that can be a really good rule of thumb is if I would share that I'm using a medication to support my blood pressure, I'm using a medication to support my depression or any other medical condition, who are the people in my life with whom I would share that? That may be a general benchmark for whom you may share your weight loss journey as well. Now, of course, you also don't have to tell anybody. I've had some patients who even don't share this with their spouse. It's something that feels very intimate and they don't feel ready to share that with others. And that is absolutely okay because it is your journey. 

It is your body and you do not owe anybody anything. It is completely between you and your prescribing physician, you know, what your journey looks like. And so with that, hopefully empowerment, thinking about how am, how am I taking these things? What do they mean to me? What kind of, you know, what kind of drama comes up by my mind in response to these things? And then how do I respond when people see these different comments to me. And so here is a toolkit of some of the different types of responses that you might use. You might say, thanks, period. You do not owe anyone an in-depth explanation. I think sometimes we often feel like we owe people an explanation. They've made a simple comment and we want to share a lot of details with them. Sometimes they've asked really invasive questions and they've asked for details. Even if they have, you do not owe them an explanation. You know, if they are being invasive, you do not have to reply with that as simple. Oh, thanks so much for noticing. I appreciate it. I've been working on my health. You know, sometimes this redirection, the focus on my health, for example, taking it away from weight. Oh, thanks. I've been focusing on my health. I'm feeling really good right now. Comments like that can be helpful. 

You may need to, depending on the person, depending on the type of comments, need to set some very clear boundaries. Sometimes people will ask incredibly invasive questions. Oh my gosh, how much weight have you lost? What medication are you using? And you do not, just because they asked you a very direct question, does not mean you have to respond. You can say things like, thanks for noticing, but I'd rather not talk numbers. I've been working on my health goals. I've been working on diet and exercise. It doesn't matter. You could say anything you want to here, but you do not have to give them numbers. You do not owe them an explanation about what medications you are or are not taking. So you can be very clear there. You know, I'd rather not talk numbers, but thanks for noticing. You might just deflect and move on to another part of the conversation. Sometimes just moving on rather than, sometimes you say thank you and it just invites the next question. And so you can ask them a question in response. And so if someone's like, oh my gosh, you look great. Have you lost weight? Oh, I have. Thanks for noticing. How was your weekend? I feel like we haven't caught up in a while. And just move the question back to them, volley the ball back into their court, let them answer their weekend or their summer or how are their kids doing or whatever you want to ask them. You can move the conversation on. And so honestly, it takes some practice. 

You will probably find yourself in situations where you said something you felt good about and maybe take a moment and write that down. Okay. If I have this type of encounter again, I responded in this way that felt really good. You were likely to also find yourself in situations where you're kind of stumbling over your words. You were not sure you end up sort of spitting something out with too much detail or not enough detail. And you're like, Oh, if I had a do over, I would do that totally differently. The good and the bad news is, is that you will likely get some opportunity for a do over, even if it's not with the exact same individual. you will likely get similar situations presented to you in the future. And so if you walk away from a conversation and you're like, oh my gosh, did I really just say that? I can't believe I told them that. That felt really uncomfortable. Next time I wish I would say X, Y, Z. Spend a couple of minutes with that. Okay. Ask yourself if this person who is my coworker made this type of comment, how would I like to respond in that situation? Okay. Let's say a different person asked me this question, my extended family member, would I respond any differently? Or would I like to use that same type of response? I will even in the context of medical office visits, I will sometimes role play with patients and practice saying different comments and help them to brainstorm how they might respond to it. So you could do this with a trusted loved one in your life, certainly with, you know, if you're in that practice, I'm happy to do this with you. 

But it can be really powerful to practice because it can be uncomfortable. And you may feel like you're lying by omission. I think especially in the day and age of medical weight loss, looking at medications that have been really effective for supporting people's weight goals, one of the biggest challenges that come up is that there are people who will have very strong opinions about people using these medications. They may have very uninformed opinions about using these medications. Just the other day, I was having a conversation with someone who said, oh my gosh, my sister started these medications and all of our siblings were like, don't do it. Those aren't a good idea. They're not safe. And so this person has an entire family who's saying to her, don't do it. Those medications aren't safe. And so if you're finding yourself in environments like that, where you're getting feedback that is not helpful to your journey, you get to decide, does it make sense for me to continue to share these type of things with people in my life and you may recognize that, no, it's not of their business. I've had a conversation with my doctor. I recognize the role that this medication is or is not going to play for me. 

And so you get to decide on your own, is this something that I continue to share? Because people have opinions and that's where this can be really challenging. People will have opinions because they care about you. A because they care about themselves and they may be really interested in learning for their own journey. And you may look at someone and think, oh, they don't have any weight to lose. But I will tell you, if I talk to nine out of 10 people in America, most people are thinking about their health. They're thinking about their weight. There's a lot of curiosity recently about medications. And it is common that because we are seeing some people who are opening up, It's so empowering to see there are people on social media who are super open and they document every step of their journey and that is working for them and that's wonderful. But because we've seen some examples of this, we've got more and more people who are curious, who are aware that this may be an option, even if it's not super obvious for the outside. There may be a woman who has PCOS, for example, polycystic ovarian syndrome, where she may not be carrying a significant amount of excess weight, but is having significant insulin resistance and may be someone who benefits from these medications. And so it's not always clear to us in the weight loss journey, what is the reason that this person is asking? Are they asking to be kind? Are they asking to be hurtful? Most commonly, they're just asking. They're asking for themselves. And even if they are asking for themselves, you still do not owe them an explanation. It is your private health information. 

And you get to decide if and with whom and when you share that information. It is unfortunately such a common problem that we have. And it comes up, once it comes up, it starts coming up over and over again because you find yourself in situations where, okay, now I'm traveling back to see family I haven't seen in a while. And now I'm traveling back to my hometown. I'm going to my high school reunion or I'm going and interviewing for a job at a place I've been before. I'm seeing old neighbors, and we find ourselves continually in some of these different situations. And so it is your business. It is nobody else's. That general rule of thumb, okay, who do I share that I'm taking a blood pressure medication? Who do I share that I'm taking a depression medication? That can absolutely be really helpful. And then that practice. It takes practice. It takes going through some of these different scenarios, both in pretend and in role play, as well as just living it out in real life, having some opportunities, practicing that and deciding, okay, did that go well? Or do I want to do it differently next time? Certainly, this is something we talk about all the time in my clinical practice. And if you are looking for a physician to support you in your weight journey, I would love to support you in this way. You can learn more about me at www.sarahstambaumd.com. I see patients in person in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by telemedicine throughout the states of Virginia, Tennessee and Illinois. Thank you so much for joining us for today's episode. We'll see you all next time. Bye-bye.