Healing the Past: Cancer, Breathwork and Family Dynamics

CHAPTERS:
00:00
Introduction to Personal Growth Journey
09:25
Experiences at Awaken Your Highest Self Conference
18:39
Breathwork and Emotional Healing
27:29
Ancestral Connections and Healing
36:35
Transformative Breathwork and Financial Insights

DESCRIPTION:
In this conversation, Wilkinson shares his personal journey of self-discovery and healing through breathwork and spiritual practices. He reflects on his experiences at a mens retreat and also at a recent  "Awaken Your Higher Self" conference, discussing the emotional breakthroughs he encountered, particularly related to his family dynamics and his recent cancer diagnosis. The conversation emphasizes the importance of openness to experiences, the healing power of breathwork, and the ongoing journey of personal growth and understanding.

TAKEAWAYS
Wilkinson emphasizes the importance of being open to experiences.
Breathwork can trigger profound emotional releases and memories.
He recalls a significant breakthrough during a breathwork session.
Family dynamics play a crucial role in personal healing.
The concept of allowing others to have their own journey is vital.
Wilkinson's cancer diagnosis has prompted deep introspection.
He experienced a sense of connection with his ancestors during breathwork.
The healing process involves confronting past traumas and shame.
Wilkinson's journey reflects a shift towards love and kindness.
He remains hopeful about his health and the lessons it brings.

Contact Wilkinson at BecomingWilkinson@gmail.com

Transcript

IWilkinson (00:01)
Hi everybody. Well, a lot's been going on in the last month or two, and I thought I would do my own video without interviewing somebody to kind of catch up, help you catch up with what's going on with me. I went to an awaken conference, which was awaken your highest self. That was in Austin, Texas, about I think two weekends ago. There was a three day conference and I posted a synopsis of each day's activities on my Facebook, but a lot of you are not.

So you don't know what's going on. So I thought I would run over some of it. Basically, I'm going to be talking a lot of woo woo. So if you're not into it, go to the next podcast. I don't care. That's fine. I'm into woo woo and Southern California is very woo woo as they say. And it's helped me grow for the last few years. So that's where I'm getting my water here. That's where.

where I've been the last living the last few years, probably the last eight years since I moved to Palm Springs. So I'm going to back up about five years ago. had my first major breakthrough on breathwork ceremony. I'll tell you what happened. So I was going to a men's retreat. There's a three day retreat up at the mountain somewhere. I forget the town toward, toward LA.

And I went there, there was 15 guys at the retreat, this main speaker and two assistants helping him. So we did the retreat, they were doing a lot of teaching and stuff like that. During the retreat, I kind of befriended, or they befriended me, anyway, we became friends, a guy from Australia and another guy, this is a gay retreat by the way, gay men.

Another guy from ⁓ Utah, he was a former Mormon, was married, lot of kids, got divorced, came out gay, blah, blah. Anyway, we would have lunch together, dinner, and hang out. So, the third day was a Sunday. We went into the main lodge room for our final afternoon session, and we walked in and there was five massage tables set up.

Now, I've, in my former life, in my ministry stuff, doing men's ministry and running retreats myself, I've done all this stuff. So I know what they're gonna do. They're gonna say, into a circle, and then count off by fives, and the ones go to that table, twos go to that table, blah, blah, blah. So there'd be three men at each table, taking turns giving each other massages. So I thought, okay, well.

I don't wanna just be with all random guys. I don't wanna get stuck with somebody I don't wanna be with. So what I'll do is I'll find one of the two guys that I've chatted with a lot and I'll count by five and I'll be in the same group as him, be at the same table. And then I remembered my intention when I was going to the retreat. In my spiritual energy work, I see things in pictures a lot.

And when I was thinking about my intention for going on the retreat, the vision, the thing that I saw was a house and every window and every door was flung wide open, symbolizing I want to be open to whatever happens at this retreat. Okay. So I decide, well, I can't do the count off thing in the circles. So I look at the floor and I don't pay attention to where I am on the circle.

Sure enough, they commence a count off by fives just like I thought they would and I get stuck with the two guys I don't want to be with like out of the whole group the two worst ones one of them was one of the guys that set up the retreat and he's he's passed away since but he was he's kind of an obnoxious New York guy that just I wasn't on the same wavelength and then another guy that was kind of a dull whatever

Vibrationally, we weren't a match, you know, energetically. But anyway, so I'm first on the table and now we're gonna do a massage and then breath work and see what happens. Now breath work, if you're not familiar with it, they say it can be similar to a psychedelic experience. I mean, if it's done right, it'll trigger things and you gotta know all the mechanics of it, but it'll bring stuff up, stuff happens. So I'm on the table. They give us all a blindfold.

so that we are concentrating on what's going on, the touch, the massage and all that. So first of all, the blindfold did not help me. It was making me more annoyed because I could hear everything going on at the four other tables and it was like distracting me. And then the guy I just mentioned, the New York guy that was here, when I get a massage, like like firm strokes like this.

The only way can describe it is I felt like I was in a washing machine. All the stuff going on. It was horrible. So that's bad. And then they do the breath work that comes to that part. So what we were doing is we would do breath work like this.

So be in, in, exhale, in, in, exhale. We would do that for quite a while. And then he would say, draw. So this is called, the breath work is called a big draw. So what happens is you do that, you know, the breath work I just described, the in, in, out, blah, blah. And then he says, draw, and you take the biggest breath you can, you hold it for as long as you can while you tense every muscle in your body as much as you can.

And you do that for as long as you can, the whole thing. So I did that. And then once you do that, they, it didn't have a fitted sheet on the massage table. had a flat sheet and they throw the flat flaps over you. So you're in kind of a cocoon to see if anything comes forward or something happens. So I'm in my cocoon and I, I'm like not happy because I'm hearing all this stuff. I'm pissed off at myself.

Beating myself up saying you didn't breathe hard enough. didn't, you know, tense hard enough. didn't make a big enough breath, you know, the whole thing, the whole thing. It's like failed Wilkins and you've totally failed here. So not good stuff. So they wait a while and then they take the sheet off and you roll over on your side and then you sit up and they give you a hug and the next guy goes on the table. Right. So, uh, I'm in the cocoon. Nothing's happening. I'm pissed off.

They take the sheet off. I just want to get out of here. I roll over on my side and...

I am transported back to eight or 10 years old, right? I'm in my little bedroom in my little twin bed against the wall in the corner there. The door opens and my mother comes in and gets in bed with me. Now let's do a parenthesis here. I've had many years of ⁓ therapy over the years and they always told me I was abused by a woman.

but we could never get to the bottom.

two examples, I had the same dream slash nightmare, probably 75, a hundred times over the years or more. the dream would be, I would be in a men's restroom and women would come in. Now they weren't physically doing anything to me, but they were invading my space and they were, and I couldn't get rid of them. So I kept having that dream over and over again.

One day when I was married, it. had a 1910 antique house that I totally remodeled. I was taking a shower one day in the main bath. Uh, it had the claw foot tub with the, you know, the shower, that ring and the shower curtain thing around it. So I go in the bathroom, close the door, get in the shower, take my shower, throw the curtain back, look across in front of me at the back of the bathroom door and there hanging is my...

ex-wives, it was the most ugly thing ever. It was kind of a, you know, that shiny ray honey type material. And, ⁓ it had the big, you know, white with blue and orange flowers, red. It was just ugly. It was like an old lady thing. And I looked at that. mean, I threw the curtain back, looked at it and totally freaked out. And I never knew why. Well, okay. Back to the, to the retreat. Here's why.

My mother, she starts. And I literally said, no. And I think I said it out loud. I'd go, no. And even though I didn't like the two guys, I trusted them and I was emotionally okay with them being there for me. And I started crying from my soul and I could not stop for like an hour. The meeting went on. They kept going to the final stuff and I could not stop them. It was an hour.

So that was my first breathwork ceremony. So then I'm scheduled to go to Awaken Your Highish South in Austin, Texas with my podcast guy I've been following for quite a while, Danny Morel. Good guy, good teachings. I was excited to go. However, recently most of you know this, I did a podcast on it. ⁓ They said I have aggressive prostate cancer. So I was thinking I'm not gonna go.

It's just, it's too much right now to know. didn't know what medically was going on and all this stuff. So I wrote to, uh, one of the main guys that works with Danny, we were in a little group together and I said, I don't know if I'm going to come to Austin. It just doesn't look like it's working out. This is what's going on. And he goes, well, maybe you want to come because it might be just what you need right now.

So I went. So I get to Austin, it's a three day conference, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So what I've done is I've got a few notes here and I'm gonna be looking at them because there's too much that happened and I would forget something if I, and I'd have to redo this and I'm not gonna do that. So here we go. So anyway, so Danielle said you might wanna come. So I did. So there was breath work, a big breath work thing every day.

like the last thing of each day. knew they would be doing that. So first day, in the teachings, really good stuff. The main thing was, Danny was talking, he had a graph, and it was the map of consciousness by David R. Hawkins, and it looks like this.

So what it does is, I don't know if that shows up backwards or not, sometimes these cameras are wanko. But anyway, it talks about where you are in life, on your consciousness. It's a spiritual thing. So the bottom third is survival. The middle is reason and integrity. And the top is you're reaching like a spiritual enlightenment thing. It starts out, the main areas on the bottom would

For example, would be shame, guilt, apathy, grief. Then it goes up. Fear, desire, anger, pride, courage. Then you're starting into the good stuff. Neutrality, willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace, and enlightenment is the top thing. While people don't reach enlightenment, those are like the masters. anyway, so I realized I used to be on the way down on the

I was a New York Leo, aggressive.

And I was in real estate sales in real estate. And, ⁓ you know, I also was in ministry in a, in a big church. And as I've mentioned other times in the men's ministry, but I was not a nice person. mean, I really wasn't. And I remember in those church days, like, why can't I be kind? Why can't I be kind? It just wasn't in me, but through my growth over the last, particularly 25 years, and especially the last eight years in bottom Springs, I realized I'm looking at the chart. I realized I'm going.

I'm not at the top, obviously, but my main focus right now, Mark Holmstein, my energy guy, asked me what was my purpose for coming and incarnating being a human at this point in history? And it was like, what did you come to learn? And I told him, I immediately came here, it's like, my lesson was to learn to love and to be kind. And man, it was a bitch getting there.

And of course I'm not there, I'm not perfect, nobody is. But I'm really living out of that place nowadays. And I was not doing it back then. So that part of the teaching in that was really encouraging for me. Okay, then we get into the breath work. Last thing of the day. So there was about 450 people at this conference. I had gotten through a series of events.

They gave me a VIP ticket. So I'm in the front section. I'm lying on the floor on a mat with a pillow and a blanket and you know, a blindfold, blah, blah, blah. So they started and they're doing this intense breath work. Now all of these sessions were, they were in three segments. They were about six to mostly seven minutes long for each one. So you're 20 minutes of this intense breath work. I mean, your head is spinning. You're going.

whoa, lightheaded and like you're getting oxygen like you've never gotten before. so, I mean, it was kind of like that first one that I mentioned at the retreat, except it's much faster. It was like, and you're doing that for seven minutes. Then you take a little tiny break and then you do it again. And then you do it again. Now, when I went there,

to the retreat, I figured with my former breath work experience, thought, well, maybe the third day something will happen. I didn't think anything was gonna happen, you know, out of the chute, but yeah, that's what happened. So I'm doing the breath work and immediately the stuff starts coming to me. I have these memories and they're like.

With every breath, I had a different memory, literally. And I told you how fast they were. So boom, boom, boom. For example, ⁓ me as a teenager, walking in the middle of the night in a snowstorm in the city streets in Buffalo, the snow's coming down. Picture the light and the triangle light coming down, and I'm just walking. Nobody's out, just me. And I'm like fucking alone. It's like the loneliness was overwhelming me.

And I had that memory. Another one would be, some of you know my story. When I was in college, I was engaged to one girl, broke up with her at the second one's birthday party, ended up sleeping with the second one, like a week and a half later on the rebound, she got pregnant. Because we were good church kids, we went and got eloped, and we were married, and I was married for 28 years. It was not...

a happy marriage most of the time. There were good points, of course there always are, and things like that. And there were moments, 83 was a good year, I always say. But it got so bad when you're in that prison of that environment of the church structure and their beliefs, it's all fear-based, everything. of course you can't get divorced no matter what.

So I was suicidal and I would think all these different ways I could kill myself all the time. mean, constantly thinking about it. And I used to pray that one of us would die. I, honest to God, I didn't care which one of us it was. That's how bad it was. So ⁓ I had all these thoughts. This one day I had it planned out and I was going to do it. I was probably four hours away from committing suicide.

And I had the whole, it laid out and I finally felt, I'm going to be free. And about before it happened, obviously I didn't carry it out. But before that, I thought if there is a God, he doesn't want me to do this. He or she doesn't want me to do this. So I didn't do it. And then that was the beginning, it took years, but the beginning to finally where I ended up getting divorced. But anyway, back to the breath work. So.

I would have every breath, every breath, I would have a different memory come back. Now, let's do another parenthesis here. Over my energy work with Mark and my own personal meditation, the last eight years, I have spirit guides that show up sometimes, a lot of times. And there's two primary ones. One of them, I...

I chat with Mark and I call him the bearded one. So it's like he present this, the spirit presents as an older man with a white beard, very wise. He's kind of the ringleader of the spirit guides. And then the second one is a lion type creature that's standing up like a man, but it's formed like kind of like a lion. It's kind of wild. Anyway, so the bearded one shows up in my breath work day one at the retreat.

And every time I had a thought that came up from my memory, these horrible thoughts, he, was standing there over my right shoulder. would grab the thought and you how you pack a snowball. He kind of did that with it. He was transmuting it and then he would toss it out on the exhale. This happened the whole breath work, like a thought, a thought, a thought. It was, it was really, really wild.

So I went through all of that. And then toward the end of it.

My, I started thinking about my mother. Now here's the deal with my mother. She was in her mid eighties when she died about 20 something years ago. Before she died, she told me that when I was born, she wanted nothing to do with me. She didn't bond with me. And the reason for that was I have an older, I had an older sister. She's not passed away, but an older sister, six years older, Joanne. Sharon was born three years after her. I was born three years after that.

So we know my parents had sex every three years, okay? Anyway, Sharon died like the first day after being born. And my mother told me she knew I was gonna die. And so she wanted nothing to do with me, basically. Which if you've studied any psychology or whatever, you know that good. It really messes you up.

as a baby, child, and an adult when you have a situation like that. So anyway, so that's my story on that. So anyway, my mother shows up, I think of all that, and then I'm lying there and I'm kind of lost still in all this. And so I said that I wanted Mother Earth to hug me and give me what my mother never gave me. And as soon as I thought that,

Danny, we was chatting up there saying some different things. I was kind of going in and out on that because I was doing my own thing. But he said, receive love. And it all came and I was enveloped in Mother Earth's love. Okay, day two of the conference. So there was a teaching session. The main thing I got out of that was Danny was talking about the word allow.

like.

For me, mostly allow what other people are doing, like allow them to do that. Don't get upset about it. I'm responsible for me. I'm not responsible for you. Like my kids, know, people that do stuff to me, blah, blah, blah. Just allow and let them be, let them have their own journey. So that was the main teaching for me. So then on the second day's breath work at the end of the day,

This time I showed up with, or I went in there with expectation that something would happen, unlike day one where it did anyway. But this time I thought, yes, something's gonna happen. So I was prepared for this. So in this one, I see my mother walking toward me, after what I just told you, walking toward me and hugging me, and then my father doing that. And then it was almost comical.

I see, I'm like transported and I'm seeing all this stuff, right? It's hard to describe if you've ever done a journey like this, but think of it's like a psychedelic journey. I'm seeing all this stuff. It's kind of like that, but it's based on breath work, not psychedelics. my ancestors start showing up. My sisters that died, my nephew, you know, all these people are showing up and they're saying to me,

We did not know what you're doing in your life right now. We didn't know how to do that, but you're doing it. And it was kind of like, we're proud of you and you're not only doing it for you, but you're doing it for us as well. And if you have studied any of stuff with ancestors and bloodlines and know, shit coming down your line from your ancestors, even the Bible talks about that. It talks about the sins of the father to so many generations and stuff like that. If you're into that.

But anyway, so there's that. So it was almost comical, because it's like people are coming, these spirits of people are coming out of the woodwork, just jamming this whole thing. I even had some in-laws show up, which aren't in my direct line. It was really weird. But the thing they said to me was really interesting. So they said, your cancer is not yours, it's ours.

I'm still thinking about that one. So that kind of morphed into another vision that I'm seeing. So the next thing is, now I go by Wilkinson. Some of you know this, some of you don't. I'm actually James Wilkinson the eighth. So seven James's before me. the next thing I see the seven James's that came before me in a line facing me.

Then all of a sudden they spread out to the left and the right. it's all this vision is like morphing into all this stuff, right? And I'm on a dock and it's not like a dock going out of the water. It's like the edge of it, like this way, like they would come in and park their boats or whatever they call it. So anyway, so it's this way. So I have this long, this dock going this way. The water's in front of me. There's seven. Then the seven James's are in seven different boats and they're all different kinds of boats.

Like a motorboat, a sailboat, one that looked like a pirate. It was like crazy, all these crazy boats. I've done ancestral stuff what I did is I thanked them for life because obviously I got life. I received life through these men, the seven of them, right? Coming down. I thanked them. There was a cord going to each one of them and I cut the cord.

If there's any part of my French shit that you're passing out to me, I'm done with it. So thank you for life. Love it. Appreciate it. But no more. Boom. I cut the cord. Then I noticed there's a cord going from me behind me on the dock. I turned around and there is my older son, James the Ninth. Doesn't go by James or the Ninth, he just goes by Jim. So I...

There's all kinds of stuff going on with him and his wife. They're involved in what I would consider a religious cult back on the East Coast. He's hammering me on all this stuff. She's posting anti-gay stuff, pro-Trump stuff. I mean, like, I'm really upset about all the stuff they're into. And they belong to this, the church group, the overall group.

that they're part of this, church is part of it's called NAR New Epistolic Reformation. It's like wacko stuff. It's the people that were at the Capitol on January 6th, blowing the horns into the Capitol and rah rah, the Christians doing all this stuff. It's all that. The whole concept of this group is religious violence, basically, taking the nation over in God's name, which of course is

totally the antithesis of what is in the Bible. You know, that's not what Jesus taught. If you want to say you follow Jesus, why don't you look up what he was into? But they're not. Anyway, so anyway, I've got all that going on with the son lately, especially. And so I turned back and there's a cord to him and I cut the cord on him. Like I'm releasing him. And when I cut, when I did that in this vision, the word allow, I saw the word allow.

It's like I have to allow him to be who he is in his life. So that was kind of interesting. And then the last thing, is, you'll think I'm really whack if I'm gonna tell you this one. So my religious background is super conservative. Like it was Christian Missionary Alliance, Calvary Chapel, if you know any of this stuff, Vineyard. It's like some of it is the Vineyard I would call Bapta Costal.

It's kind of been a little bit of the spiritual spirit stuff. Anyway, the...

At the end of it, quietly, I'm speaking in tongues. Like the Pentecostal stuff, be healed, boop, blah, blah, blah, you know, all this stuff. I'm speaking in tongues. So now I've talked to Mark, on his energy table over the seven years I went to him almost every week, maybe three or four times this happened to me before. And it wasn't like the church type of, you know, speaking in tongues.

it marks that that's your light language. It's like something's happening and you're higher self and this is coming out, which I get it's fine. But I thought it was kind of funny. So day three, let's go back to that. So day three, the teaching was, I can't go into the details in case you go to the conference and were sworn to secrecy for a reason.

Because it's like, stuff happens presented to you and you don't want to know what's coming for healing. And it had to do with a lot with masculine and feminine. I will tell you that at one point he had the women, and there was a lot of women at this conference, raise their hand if they had been sexually abused and over half the women raised their hand. And some of them started telling their stories.

They passed the mic around and it it absolutely broke my heart. It broke my heart and it did something in me. Cause I'm, you know, I was married for many years, but you know, there's something with women and my mother, all the stuff she did to me and all this stuff. It was like, yeah. So, that was happening in the afternoon. Then in the, then in the breath work.

Actually, stuff came back from my mother where I saw how she had shamed me, other than the physical sexual stuff that was happening in that first Breckford thing I described. She shamed me. And I used to say to my friends, I just realized how shamed I was at this conference. And it all came out. And I realized that stuff wasn't right.

growing up. I used to, when I was an adult, I would tell my friends, I felt like her little husband, because my, my father was, you know, the typical situation. He was very passive. My mother was aggressive. It was all about her. And she was a radio preacher. You see, you get, you get the picture. And, uh, and she would shame me and she, she would talk to me about stuff that she shouldn't be talking to my father about, but she didn't do any of that. And, uh,

And, you know, I just had all of the stuff on me. Well, the, in the breath work, basically that session, the shame, lot of the shame was released. Okay. Now here's the really interesting part. before I went to the conference, they said we would, because you know, everybody knows this is pretty woo. I'm talking about all these strange experiences and that it's like, wow. So the Danny who ran the conference wanted some scientific evidence.

of what was going on. So he hired a scientific company, tech company to come in and test 20 people, 20 people volunteered for each of the days. They would test them in the morning. They would test them at night to see what was going on. And it was a biofield energy scan. Well, I wanted to do it, but I kind of got busy before the conference and I didn't, probably because I didn't know if I was even going to go. So I didn't sign.

the third day I'm in line to go into the ballroom where they're having the chairs set up at the big conference. And they said, well, we're a couple of people didn't show up. We really would like 20. Do we have any volunteers? go, I'll do it. So I go in and it's like, you stick your fingers in the machine and it like reads you, your energy field and all of this stuff on your body. know, so I do that in the morning and then, you know, I went through all the shame stuff and all that learning in the day.

go back in in the evening before dinner and I go through the whole thing again. They scanned me again. And so I said to I was an older woman. She had been there forever. You could tell, you know, she knew what she was doing. That she's the one I got. There was a couple stations set up to do all this stuff. And I said, well, do I get to see what's going on with this stuff? And she goes, well, we just send the information into them and they can do with it what they want. But if you want,

You can go to the back of the line after we finished the second scan, the evening scans on everybody that signed up, go to the back of the line and come through again and come back to me and I will pull up your file and I'll tell you generally what's going on. Now, she said it has 1500 data points on this, so I'm not going to go over the whole thing, but I'll give you a general idea. So the line moved pretty quickly actually. And I got in and I go back to her. I sit down and she, you know, gets my name info and pulls up my file.

on the computer. First image she pulls up is the side. wasn't it wasn't me per se, but it's like the image of a man turned sideways with with the energy fields and everything showing on it out of the area kind of where the buttocks the bot is. There's like these jagged triangles just shooting out. No, I wasn't partying during the exam if you're thinking that. But anyway, so

So she points to it and she goes, well, that's a little unusual. And I said, well, they told me recently that I have aggressive prostate cancer. She goes, okay, that explains it. Then she goes to another screen, which has all of your internal organs on it. She pulls that up and then she zeros in on the prostate. And she looks it up and it was a small circle, bigger circles all the way going out, concentric circles. And in the middle was the good part.

All of these jagged things are out all the way to the edge of the outer circle. And she goes, yes, that's a problem. I can see it. So then she pulls up the one from the evening and she looks at it and she goes, my God, look at this. And it showed my prostate. She said, it's showing everything totally normal.

So that's where I'm at on that. Now that was what almost two weeks ago. So it showed, showed, it cleared up. So I don't know what's going on. Now I did a whole bunch of testing, MRIs and stuff. And I was waiting for an appointment, a call from San Diego, the University of House of Lerner, where I was supposed to be going on the Tuesday. And that was full of bad news from the doctors. But he had all of the info.

before I did all this, before I did all this dietary stuff I've been doing and a whole bunch of other stuff. So, so the jury's out on that. I'm having a PET scan, which they inject a little bit of radioactive material into you. You wait an hour. It's this high tech thing. Then you go through this machine that scans your entire body. The material in that hour attaches to the cancer cells. And then it shows on the scan where you have cancer in your body.

I'm hoping that they find nothing. and I forgot a part. So during one of the, I forget which breathwork ceremony it was the first, second or third day, but at one of them, I heard the doctor say to me, we can't find any cancer. I heard that. So really interesting what's going on. So last part here. So last Sunday, I signed up online through Danny's group.

that I belong to now for a Zoom call where we did a cannabis breath work session. Now I don't smoke cannabis. So, you know, I had to find out what I get. I go buy it. I come home. But what I didn't realize was that this session was about money. Now, Danny, didn't talk a lot about these areas, but it was, was finances slash money.

relationships and health are the three things he talks about a lot. But this one, I didn't know the breath work thing was about money. I had no idea when I signed up. thought, it's really cool everything that's been happening, let's go for it and do it. So that's what I did. But anyway, so first of all, we wrote a letter to money, our perception of everything that happened.

So I see these pictures. First one was, I was like five or six years old. We lived in New York at the time. That's where I grew up.

and we were in Buffalo, but my parents bought this house in Franklinville, New York. It was called the Gold Miner's Cabin, this elaborate big house. They did this because at that time we had three kids in our family and they had attempted to bring in three more kids, my cousins, their mother was, the state had taken the kids away from her. And so they wanted to, we went from three to six kids overnight, boom, they bought this house. So we're down there.

And I start remembering all of the stuff that went on financially there. One of the things I remember is, well, my father drove 57 miles from Franklinville to Buffalo and back to the, he worked at a dairy, like creamery, making butter and shit. So he did that. you know, Lake Erie, snowstorms, you can imagine the nightmare of that. Anyway, so he's doing that.

I remember the heating bill. The number I remember was $900. I don't know if that was accumulated or what, but we're talking a long time ago, you know, long time ago. So that would be thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. This is a drafty old house, single pane windows, and the wind would blow through it basically. So, the heating bills were more than he made each month. And so they ended up losing the house. My cousins wanted to live with other relatives and.

we moved to an apartment in Buffalo, New York. So that was the first thing.

We were very poor, I remember as the next thing I remembered was as a kid, like searching down the cushions behind the cushions on the sofas and chairs, trying to find change to give to my parents so they could buy some food for the family. Another memory I had was my, and this one stings today, even thinking about it, my father.

When we're in Franklinville, there was like a local grocery, you grocery, you know, the, you know, the guy's small town and, he, one day he traded the guy, his father's ring, the only thing he had from his father to the guy first food for the family. So that was another memory. we constantly moved. I joke and say my parents, I think we're part gypsy, but we moved a lot. think it was third grade.

that I was in three different schools one year. It might've been one of the other years, but one year I was in three. Almost every year I was in at least two. So I never, I never felt stable. know, it just, I just, you know, there was no continuity or stability.

And when I was really little, remember we were in this course temporary. We'd never lived anywhere very long, but it was, was two stories upstairs. There was the banner, you know, the stairway coming up with the banner store. And then, you know how in old houses, sometimes the banister, the stairway comes up here and there's like a little hallway that doesn't go anywhere next to it. You know, fill up the space. Anyway, I had a cardboard box, a big cardboard box. I don't know why it was there, but I had that box and I felt like I remember this feeling.

that this was my place. I had a place finally in that cardboard box.

Next thing remembered was walking with my father, I was a teenager, walking out of the apartment we're living in Buffalo at that time to the corner where he had parked his Ford. And we got to the corner and the car was gone. So he comes back, calls the police and they go, the car wasn't stolen, it was repossessed. Because I guess when they repossessed the car, they let the cops know that it's not a stolen vehicle. So, anyway, that happened.

I remember when I was about 15, I finally had a bedroom and they had bought, of course, on time, installment payments, furniture, but they bought, I had a bedroom set, first time in my life I had anything like that. And I remember the day they came and they repossessed that

And I remember my parents constantly fighting often about money. And one day they got into this big fight. We're in a second floor apartment in an overlooked neighbor's yard. And my mother took off her wedding ring and threw it out the window. And although they look for it, they never found the ring. It was gone. But she was so mad at him. They probably should have gotten a divorce, but never did. Obviously, church reasons.

I remember when I was like later in like 16, 17, they had opened an antique and a state store in Buffalo called the Attic. And they were always behind on filing their tax state sales tax statements. I would do the statements for them and basically parent them and tell them they needed to get the money together and send it in. So that was always going on.

So I had all of these memories came back as I was writing the letter to Monnie. Then we took the puffs. I wrote the letter, had the memories, and then we did the cannabis. I think I said it out of order there. But anyway, so I do the ceremony and immediately I start with the visions again.

This time, I saw myself in a large ballroom. It was crowded and I was dancing with a woman. And I knew who the woman was. The woman was money. And it was really weird because I remember not being offended by her. Now, remember the conference, Healing the Masculine Feminine? Something clicked in me and I didn't have the wall up like I had before and I was okay dancing with

Then she morphed in the next thing, stage of this, she morphed into a man. Now as a gay man, obviously I like that better. So I'm dancing, I'm dancing with a man. Next thing I saw was my parents, younger, dancing and laughing. Now I never ever saw anything like that in my entire life.

they're joyful. That's my belief, basically.

Okay, now for the weird and somewhat embarrassing part. So, so I'm dancing with the guy, right? And as we're dancing in this crowded ballroom, he starts taking my clothes off piece by piece until eventually, and I'm the only one like this, I'm naked, nobody else's clothes. I'm dancing with him naked. And then he starts giving me these very expensive fitted clothes. They were kind of,

You know, the Latino dancer type thing. So not my style, totally. But I got the symbolism of it. So he clothed me with all this beautiful new stuff. And I remember the feeling of wearing it. was like awesome. So here's what I got out of it. Looking back at it. So when he took off my clothes, it was me. It was the...

All those painful memories I just described being taken away from me. And when I was clothed with the new stuff that felt great, that's my new idea of finances and money. Now as a side note, you know, I was in real estate, I used to make a lot of money, but always something happened. You know, would come in one hand and go out the other. You know, I made a couple of course, bad decisions on the investments and stuff like that. that, that, but I could never keep a lot of what I had.

So it's really interesting that it seems like there was a lot of healing in this cannabis breathwork session. So that's kind of my breathwork journey today. And I don't know what's next, but I'm looking forward to it. I got a lot of medical stuff coming up to see what's going on. I'm hoping and believing that it won't be bad news, but it'll be good news. If it's bad news, you know, all of this.

All the whole cancer thing is here for purposes to teach me something. And I'm going for it. It's like, fine, whatever's in here, get rid of it. Let's go. So that is the Wilkinson becoming Wilkinson podcast for today from me and from my heart. Hope you get something out of it some way and stay tuned because there's going to be more coming down the bike. Thanks.