This Q&A sesh with the Vallotton's is fantastic content! Here are the questions they cover in Episode 56:
Connect with Lauren:
Instagram
Facebook
Connect with Jason:
Jay’s Instagram
Jay’s Facebook
BraveCo Instagram
www.braveco.org
This Q&A sesh with the Vallotton's is fantastic content! Here are the questions they cover in Episode 56:
Connect with Lauren:
Instagram
Facebook
Connect with Jason:
Jay’s Instagram
Jay’s Facebook
BraveCo Instagram
www.braveco.org
We're the Valentines and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:Hey everybody, welcome back to Dates, Mates and Babies with the Valentines. I'm here with my beautiful bride today and we are going to do some Q&A.
Speaker 2:Yes, we've pulled some of these from the archives. We haven't done Q&A in a while but we found some great questions that people had sent in a while ago, so we're going to dive in. We've got quite the lineup today.
Speaker 1:We love Q&A.
Speaker 2:We do love Q&A.
Speaker 1:If you've got some questions burning in your heart and you want us to answer them, send them in. We save them a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. Okay, do you have an opinion about where we're going to begin today? I have a list. No, just do it Just ready set go. Okay, here's the first question. How did you know it was the right time to get engaged?
Speaker 1:Oh, so I was laying there. This golden eagle flies over me. Oh my gosh, I was looking at two bright stars and I looked up and I just thought that's the sign from God.
Speaker 2:Yep Kate next.
Speaker 1:Don't do that y'all. As a pastor growing up, people would always come to me and be like three angels visited me. I'm like nah, you're just super horny.
Speaker 2:As a pastor growing up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I should. Yeah, what do you mean as a pastor growing up, like I should have said, as a pastor for a very long time?
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, Especially when you were in school and ministry probably yeah.
Speaker 1:And I would come and be like I know she's the one.
Speaker 2:It's a sign. It's a sign, yeah, I've seen three angels, mm-hmm. Which you know. What if that happens to you? Golly great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but how did?
Speaker 2:we know that it was the right time to get engaged.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, it's back to the relationship ladder right Like that we talk about a lot, so we spent a lot of time in the very beginning just getting to know each other and not even ask the question are you the right one? But can I have fun with you?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:What are your core values? How do you handle conflict? Can you do communication well? Do you? Are we going the same place, right? Are we going the same direction? How do you? How do your dreams and my dreams line up Mm-hmm. I mean we started climbing that ladder that we've talked about so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, and you eventually get to a place where you answer all those questions you know and then sit down. We sat down with a lot of our community and friends and talk to my dad and just before I even went, I'm going to marry her. Or do you want to marry me? Like just talking through how we do life and relationship, letting other people speak in our lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I met your parents. I talked to your parents uh, quite a bit, you know, about my past and my divorce and the kids and I said I'm going to marry you. Like, you processed a lot about the stressors that you were going to marry into. If you did marry me and what, what would it be like to be a stepmom and instant mom, and you know all the factors that we had right.
Speaker 1:And at the end of the day, we both decided that our lives would be better and bigger and brighter to be together than it would be to be a part. And so, you know, we didn't even, we didn't even kiss until we could say like I love you, you're the one that I want to be with, which was awesome. I mean, it really, really helped us to make that decision.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:I really loved demystifying this process because I think, especially for people who haven't been married before, you don't really know, you're kind of looking for this, you know, magical knowing, and that can feel like a lot of pressure, and I know for some people that actually creates a lot of anxiety, like to get anxiety around like how, but how do I know?
Speaker 2:But how do I know? You know, and I just remember very clearly in our dating season kind of in that time where we were moving from just dating casually to more seriously dating, to then deciding, it was a lot harder for me to get to the spot where I felt like I knew, you know, but what was really empowering for me and helpful for me was getting to the spot where it's not that I knew quote that you were the only one on planet earth for me. It was that I knew that I wanted to make the choice to say yes to you. And I think that is that's, I think, for anybody to get to the spot where they're just very willing and excited to make a conscious decision that this is what I have one ticket to punch in my life.
Speaker 1:Hopefully.
Speaker 2:I only want to do this one time and I'm choosing right now, in this moment. I want to do it with you and I. It's not that I felt from the God like you were the only one for me. In fact, I felt pretty sober, minded, like, hmm, I'm making quite the decision here. I'm choosing a guy that's been divorced, he's got three kids, I'm choosing to stay in Reading, california, indefinitely. I'm making quite the choice and I remember thinking I don't have to do this, like I could probably find a guy with a simpler story, I could probably find a guy, Don't know when, could be a while, who knows, not in control of that. But I, I don't have to make this choice, but I really want to and it felt so good. It felt so good to feel that empowered. So I think, yeah, I mean that was my experience. I think that answers the question in the sense of that's what it was for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's what you want to do, right. You want don't marry someone because you have this blissful, like euphoric experience.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:Marry someone because you've checked the boxes and and, like, really gone through the things and some hard times and gosh you. You like how you guys do life together and where you're headed and what you're building, and right and what you're bringing to the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you mentioned the trust ladder and I want to back backtrack to that for just a sec, cause I've actually had several people question like write in questions about the trust ladder. So the we talk about the trust ladder or like the relationship ladder, we like to talk about how, at the beginning of a relationship, you start at the bottom rung of a ladder and the further up you go, you don't climb up the ladder Until you've stepped over each rung, the whole principle being like don't skip a whole bunch of steps, like you don't start dating somebody and then ask the next day should I marry them? There's like a lot of steps between starting to date and making a decision to get married. And at the bottom of the ladder you're in the um the category of question asking where you're. You're just making sure you know you. You're making sure you know your needs in a relationship and who you are, and then you're getting to know each other and you're asking questions like are they safe? Can we be friends? Do we have fun together? Do our core values line up? And then, as you answer those questions with a yes, then you move up the ladder further and further and as you do, the goal is that you actually grow in trust with one another. So you grow in trust at the same rate that you grow in your intimacy and your commitment to one another.
Speaker 2:You keep climbing up and you ask questions like um, is God in their God spot? We've talked about the God spot before in other episodes. Can we both have needs and boundaries? Do we communicate well? And you're climbing up, up, up. Are we going the same direction in life? Do we have similar vision? Can we build with stability? And then you're climbing up, up, up. How do we do in conflict? What's it like when we disagree? Do they know how to take care of me? Do I feel unconditional love from them and for them? Do we know how to find win-wins in areas of our differences? And eventually, eventually, at the top, you're getting to. You know you're asking the question is forever. Is forever what I want with this person, right? So there's the point. Is there's a lot of ground to cover between starting to date someone and choosing to marry them. You really don't want to skip over those big questions, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's great.
Speaker 2:Cool, okay. Next question let's see, this one was fantastic. How do you have a baby and a toddler at the same time? We are tired. They say what are some keys to navigating the baby and toddler dynamic? Oh heaven.
Speaker 2:So when we, when we had our second set of kids together, we had little Edie first, and when she, she turned two and two weeks later our son was born. So they're both March birthdays. They were exactly two years apart, almost. And I will say, you know, this is hindsight and it almost doesn't matter, because it wasn't ARX. It just is what it is right and you're already in it. So it is what it is. But I do remember thinking to myself hmm, if Liam had come six months later, I think it would have been a sweet spot. I was always excited to have babies close together because I wanted them to be good buddies, and I do still feel like that's beautiful. But I think if Edie had been two and a half or even three when Liam was born, we would have had an easier time. So I don't know if you're listening out there and you've got a toddler and a baby. Maybe you're being like, yes, amen, hindsight is 2020. Oh well, here we are. What are some of the keys? And I just remember that season.
Speaker 2:For us, our partnership became really important, like that. Jason and I were really good partners and really good communicators. It became so important because all of a sudden we were man on man and you know, especially when that little guy was tiny, he needed his mom a lot more than he needed his dad. I mean, I was nursing him, I was up in the night with him and I. That meant that Jason was on a lot with our toddler, and so figuring out, you know, getting really good at recognizing your needs that became important. Figuring out how to divide the teamwork became really important. Figuring out how to connect with each other in the midst of the madness came became really important. I'd like to say that we had this really clear roadmap all designed out and that we just nailed every milestone.
Speaker 2:There's a little bit or a lot of bit about parenting that is trial and error, because every child is so different. So I'll say this if you have a toddler and a baby and you're finding it absolutely bananas and you feel like you're trying to navigate through a stormy sea in the middle of the night with no compass, welcome to the club. Like that's kind of parenthood and there's definitely keys and there's things to work on, and when you find yourself getting short with each other and you find yourself feeling exhausted, it's a great opportunity to pause and look at each other and and work hard at reconnection because ultimately, your connection with your spouse is going to make a stormy sea of of parenting feel possible and it's going to feel extra hard if you're not connected. So I would say that's my number one recommendation and then, other than that, you just have to know it's a season.
Speaker 1:I've got a couple Great, I got a couple of thoughts. Go for it. Um, to me, the the first thought that I had was um, the more external pressure that you have beyond just the kids, the the more fatigue, and so you have to be realistic about what you take on.
Speaker 2:That is really prioritized your time and your energy.
Speaker 1:So we had decided when we had the, when we had Liam, I basically said like, hey, like there's some projects in the house that we're not going to get done.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:Because I can't, like I can't do that and help a bunch inside and you know all this. So we put off some projects Even this year, like I don't have it not traveled very much, right, I haven't. I mean, I haven't done a ton.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we still.
Speaker 1:I mean, we have two toddlers, yeah, and I cut way down on like we're just doing what we need to do to get through this season and then we know like there's coming a time when I'm going to ramp up my schedule and you're going to ramp up yours, but we've cut way back.
Speaker 1:And I I see a lot of couples make that mistake of they just keep life at the same pace and they burn out. You just can't do that. And then my other thing, oh is you have to change. You know when you go to bed, and all that kind of stuff too, cause I think some people feel like I only have, I only have like this one chance, when the kids are sleeping, to get my free time, and that's true. The problem is is, if you stay up late trying to get your free time and your alone time, then you're smoked the next day and so you have to.
Speaker 2:It's not good for mental health.
Speaker 1:Now you have to negotiate with one another to like like on Saturdays not every Saturday, but a lot of them. I try to take the kids for a couple of hours.
Speaker 1:While you get some time and you try to give me some time and I go and do something fun that the kids enjoy, so it's not even as hard for me. And then I will say doing stuff with other people is really helpful because the kids will play and you know, if you have a little toddler like a little baby, then other people want to hold your baby and you get a little break here and you're not like alone.
Speaker 2:Community is a big deal.
Speaker 1:So those things are, I think, kind of like some tips that really help.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. That's great advice.
Speaker 1:But you're going to be tired and you just have to know that that season is going to end and go away, and someday you're going to wish that you could be tired again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's true, yeah, it'll work, yeah, okay. So I think this question can it be feminine to initiate the first step in a romantic relationship? I want to be one over quote, but I've also. I'm also the one who has fallen in love first, so to speak. Can I initiate and still be feminine?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I don't find any problem with a woman initiating in a really confident you know, feminine way. Yeah, and so I think when you're falling all over a guy, like that's a turn off for sure. But I think a confident woman like hey I'm, I'm Lauren how?
Speaker 2:are you? What's your name? It's cool and you know, let's say, you're already friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, then, initiating like hey, you want to go, like a bunch of our friends are going to get together and go over here, you want to come with me. That's a cool way to initiate, you know, and even a conversation like, if you guys have done that, a whole bunch of conversation that says like hey, I'm interested in you, but I, I'm interested in you, you know, would you ever want to hang out?
Speaker 2:Yeah, grab coffee yeah, that's like a pretty low stakes thing to say that's fine.
Speaker 1:You know, if a guy's confident, like all you're saying is is you're not saying I'm in love with you, I have to have you all that stuff to turn off. But if you're going like, hey, I, you know I'm interested, Are you, are you interested in going to coffee or something like that? It just lets him know that you're available.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that if you people try to figure out the perfect way and it almost feels like more of a game than it does, just you, you being confident and natural and that's the best approach. So, ladies feel free.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that'll be a fine start. It's human do's and that's Okay. This is a great question. What are three things that are essential for a deep, connected, healthy relationship with my wife?
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, the three things that women need in a relationship is to feel seen, to feel known and to feel safe. And if they feel seen, known and safe, then they're going to open up and they're going to naturally respond back to you with respect and connection and and wanting to know you and to see you. And so, to me, like the guys are really supposed to lead in that it's my job to come home and to help you open up by asking you questions and being a safe place. And when you have strong emotions because you do and you're going to that I'm not afraid of those or I don't let my fear push me away.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm, I stay in it and and I seek to understand. So guys should be writing notes like seeking to understand. You know, when you say I feel really angry today, um, you know there's so many chores they're not done I could be defensive or I could say, oh babe, tell me about that. Like, tell me what's bothering you, you know, tell me which ones, or I could take ownership of it and say, oh man, that would feel really frustrating. You know, you pointed them out yesterday and I didn't do that. I'm really sorry. Taking ownership allows that connection to happen. And so, you know, the better we can get at partnering with one another, where we're, at leaving the ego at the door, not being defensive, seeking to understand, really connecting and paying attention to each other's um bids for connection, like John Gottman would we talk about, the more and the deeper, uh, connected we are. You have anything to add to that?
Speaker 2:No, I think that's really good. I think, as the woman, I know that when I feel like you're with me and I don't feel lonely in our home and in our responsibilities and in raising the kids, when I don't feel lonely like when I really feel like I have a partner in our day to day life and that's my personality I'm wired to really focus a lot on tasks. I'm pretty so. I think it could potentially be different for women that are like I have friends, for example.
Speaker 2:Few of us are definitely like list makers, task doers. We really feel like we really thrive on taking care of the present, and when we feel lonely in the present, we get super off kilter and feel disconnected. I have, I have, a few other friends who's actually their husbands are kind of the ones that carry the task load and the mental checklist and they start to feel really disconnected from their husbands when they feel that, um, they can't actually think outside the box, think futuristically, dream together, plan vacations together, those kinds of things. I think the personality differences make a little bit of a difference.
Speaker 2:But I just speaking for myself. I know that when I feel lonely, I I it's. It's like a fire on disconnection. It's like it exacerbates disconnection when.
Speaker 2:I feel lonely. So any attempt at coming close and being with, I think, is such a win. Also, like I was just, I was just kind of thinking while you were answering that question the first part what are those roadblocks that come in the way of a husband and a wife agreeing or or meeting each other with bids for connection? And you said a few things like a woman needs to feel safe, a woman needs to feel you know it's the husband's job really to lead in some of this and leave your ego at the door, et cetera. Wild though, how many marriages suffer disconnection even if they know these things? So what in the world are those roadblocks, like the common roadblocks, that get in the way of some of those things that you just listed, because it sounds so simple when you say it but, honestly, so few people do it really really well, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, the first one that comes to my mind is is that we, most people, are starting out disconnected because of the, because of their inability to validate where each other are at, and so they're coming already. They're coming home, the guy's coming home and he's already feeling frustrated and in pain because of their history. Right, Right the history of not being able to solve conflict and not connecting, feeling rejected Like I do really do think the bids for connection are huge.
Speaker 1:We've talked about it before, um, but when we reach out to, to yeah, I get connection, and the partner drops it or misses it or doesn't, then I just think that most, uh, the average couple is living a very disconnected in painful world, and so they have this resentment, frustration, judgment built up inside of themselves already and that's never been reconciled, yeah, and so to me, like we're trying to, it's really hard because I have to. I know that I need to hear your emotions. I know that I need to, um, seek to understand.
Speaker 1:I know that I need to connect with you. But inside of me I have this thing that says well, you, you don't want to hear me and you don't want to connect with me, and you know, when I needed you, you weren't there for me. And so those become the roadblock blocks, right? Yeah, it's like resentment in pain, frustration, yeah. So all that stuff has to be reconciled.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely it's good. Okay, Um, let's see here.
Speaker 1:And then just the lack of skills. Yeah, that's another massive piece. Yeah, literally just the lack of know how.
Speaker 2:Okay, next question.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, uh, how do you know you're ready to do this? How do you know you're ready to date after going through a divorce?
Speaker 1:Do you want to answer some of this?
Speaker 2:Well, I've never been divorced.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, we have you know worldwide.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh well, I'll I'll tell you what I I know what made me feel safe dating someone who had been through a divorce. So, um, the main thing that comes to mind is that Jason, you know, when we first started dating, he was ready, willing, able and even excited to share with me the story of his divorce and what he learned through that very painful process. He didn't gloss over anything that wasn't pretty about it. There was a lot of sad things about his story, a lot of pain in his story, but he was really proud and open and honest and it seemed like he was anticipating the opportunity to share with me the story of his divorce because he was so confident in how he had processed through that pain and he had pinpointed, worked on, had overcome the areas in his own life that he knew contributed to the breakdown in his first marriage. That made me feel awesome because, the thing is, one of the things that I realized is that I had actually dated more people than Jason ever had. He had dated one person.
Speaker 1:You kind of got around a bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I dated a few guys. He had dated one person in high school, married them and then got divorced 10 years later. I had dated a few different guys. None of those relationships had worked out.
Speaker 2:They weren't super healthy relationships, and so what I realized was just because he's been divorced doesn't mean he's the only person in this dating relationship that has any baggage, like we've both been through things right, and so actually, whether it's a divorce or a breakup or a past relationship or a life trauma whatever, what makes somebody ready to date after an event like that is their willingness to be self-aware and take ownership over themselves, and Jay was beyond willing to do that. He had proven that he knew how to go through something really hard and learn from it and take a ton of ownership over it, and the other component related to that is that the men in his life who I trusted trusted him. So I will say this straight up right now I would never marry someone this is me personally. I would never have married someone that has been divorced, that didn't have mentors in their life that knew every part of Jay, his story, and that Jason was submitted to in his big decisions in life. So his mentors are men that I respect and the fact that they respected Jason and had given him the green light created a ton of safety for me.
Speaker 2:I didn't feel scared at all by Jason's process. There were other things that were about his story. Obviously, the complications of the practicals of sharing a life with somebody who has an ex-spouse in our city and who has three kids that we're going to co-parent and all of that. Those are all obviously big things to consider. But just simply, am I ready? To date, I knew that Jason was in a healthy place to date because he was able to share his process with me and the men in his life were giving him the green light.
Speaker 1:I love it. Yeah, is your past pain a victory? Is that place in your life, is it healed? And can you take someone through the process and explain how you got there and what you did? That's what we're all doing. It's whether you've been divorced or you haven't, you probably have some past pain in places that you're not proud of and everyone's really wondering what did you do with that? What are you bringing into the marriage? What tools do you have? And so if you did a good job, then all that stuff builds trust Right and is a place that's part of your foundation. And so, to me, I was excited. I was really excited because I spent a long time working on that and processing the pain and going through it.
Speaker 1:And I mean, it was awesome so that's what you're looking for.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have a couple episodes from early 2023 on our dating story and also on dating after divorce, specifically, and also on processing pain working through pain. So those would be great episodes to go and listen to. If this question specifically is intriguing to you, ok, how do you know that you're ready to have a baby? Oh, man. You're married and you're wondering when's the right time to start a family. Great question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've started. For starters, you're never ready.
Speaker 2:You're never ready for the upheaval.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but sometimes there are things I feel like that you can do that help.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And to me it's all mostly based upon where the couples are at.
Speaker 2:Connection-wise and trust-wise, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like if you don't feel like you have great connection in marriage and control over your own life. Man, adding a baby just adds tons of pressure and a lot of weight and tons of sacrifice and often leads to you feeling like, wow, I don't get to do anything I want to do anymore, it just adds a lot of challenges to a relationship, and so I love it when couples in the beginning they had a good start and then they started to find their pain points in their marriage.
Speaker 1:They worked on their pain points, got to a real place of partnership and teamwork and then went OK, let's bring a baby into this awesome team. To me, that's the best Totally. If you can do that. If you're financially stable, great. If you're still working on finances, that to me is not the biggest issue, because you can scrap together and make it work.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:But if you're not a great team, then my advice is don't have a baby thinking that it's going to pull you together, because it's going to put a bunch of pressure on you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like having a baby is OK. This is the analogy that just popped into my mind. So if you've never worked out before and you're like I need to get in shape, you go to the gym and you start by lifting really heavy weights and you do way too many reps and you just wear yourself out Like that's actually not the best way to get to meet your goals. That's not like the best way to get super fit. You start low and you go a little slow and you let your body adjust and I feel like marriage, like if everybody could treat their first few years of marriage like a, the beginning of like a workout regimen where you're going in with specific goals and you're like we're going to work on our connection and we're going to we're going to build so much trust in these first few years of marriage and we're going to get so good at mastering connection and I'm going to master the love languages in the sense of like I'm going to practice so much in the first couple of years of marriage how to send the message I love you very much in a way that you can hear.
Speaker 2:I'm going to practice in the first couple of years of marriage so much building trust with you and it's like a. It's like a workout where you're doing like low, little weight and a lot of reps and that actually builds a really great foundation so that when you want to start increasing the weight, you have the physical ability to do it. Because adding a baby to the mix is it's not like one plus one equals two. Adding a baby is multiplication, man, it is not addition. You multiply the pressure, responsibility, stress, exhaustion there's a lot of things that come with having a baby. So if you have the option of adding a baby to the mix after you've already done that really good prep work in your marriage, with your connection and your intimacy, it's going to be such a smoother transition.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're going to be happy.
Speaker 2:Such a smoother transition. If that's not, like if you kind of didn't do it that way, you know, then you find out pretty quick. Like what are our vulnerabilities in our marriage, what are our weaknesses? Cause man, pressure and stress absolutely exposes our weak areas and our vulnerabilities and that's okay. You just have to stop, make a plan for that and get some help if you need it. But golly, if you're asking the question, how do you know if you're ready to have a baby? Ooh, you're in a sweet spot, You're in the, you're in this like dream land of getting to choose a little bit. Like what? What do we focus on first so that we're really strong, before we add this little tiny seven pound bundle of joy that actually weighs about a ton when it comes to pressure.
Speaker 1:Oh man, it's funny when you're a parent, you spend all day being like I'm so tired and need a little, a little time. I gotta get a rest. When am I going to get a break? Then the kids go to bed and you spend the rest of the night looking at pictures of them while they sleep.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, not last night, bro. We didn't sleep last night very well. You did it, I didn't, okay, well, that's a good question, all right.
Speaker 1:Final question.
Speaker 2:Final question. This is this is a good one relatable for a lot of people Advice for going through a heartbreak, the pain, specifically, of seeing him with someone else. I know.
Speaker 1:It's so rough.
Speaker 2:It's so hard.
Speaker 1:When you have a heartbreak up and then you're not over it, but then you see them with someone else.
Speaker 2:You know what's interesting and this could just be just. I mean, obviously this is a personal experience, but I remember going through a breakup once and I really liked the guy. Like I had I could see us getting married in the future. Now, now in hindsight, I'm really glad that. Obviously, hello my husband. I'm so glad I'm married to you, but in that time I had a lot of vision for us being together. I felt like I had a whole bunch of like prophetic words and you know all of that I was young so I was like, oh man.
Speaker 2:So when we broke up it took a while for me to get over it. I felt so. I was so attached and now I know in hindsight like there was there was a lot of unhealthy attachment to that relationship for me. But one thing that I noticed was when I saw him finally and it took a while when I finally saw him in a new relationship, it actually helped me. It helped me with the finality of things, because I think there was a part of my heart that had that was hoping for something to resurrect and something about it was actually helpful for me when I saw him with another girl.
Speaker 2:I got closure and I went okay, door closed, we gotta actually move on. Get it together, lauren, let's move. And so it was helpful. So I don't know, maybe a perspective shift would be helpful to go like okay, actually, the faster I allow my heart to heal from this pain, the pain of losing a relationship that I really loved, if I give my self permission to move forward in processing that pain and moving on, the closer you are to actually being in a relationship that is for you, that is gonna work out, and ultimately, if he's with somebody else, then it means that relationship wasn't gonna work for you and you don't wanna actually dwell in there and spend more time on that than you need to. But I know that that's easier said than done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, being able to cut off the hope in the dreams of what it can be what it could or should have looked like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it should have looked like and actually really cry through what it's not and process through. You're not walking down the aisle together, you're not whatever, gonna start a business together. You're not gonna do any of those things and crying through those because the flip side is like God has some real answers for you and he has some things that he wants to talk to you about, but you won't get those answers met from God probably unless you really actually process through the fact that you're not gonna be together. So people's ongoing pain is often their inability to stop the fantasy and to confront the fantasy of this isn't gonna happen. And so you gotta be willing to sit in your pain for a little while and we've talked about processing pain on the podcast so you can go back and listen to the other podcasts about processing pain. But actually sitting down and processing through what the pain of not being with somebody is really, really gonna help you.
Speaker 1:And you gotta understand it's not gonna last forever. The pain's gonna go away. You're gonna get to a place where it doesn't feel like that anymore. It feels like when you dated someone in sixth grade and you broke up. You're like, oh, that was sad. Yeah, it's not gonna feel excruciating. So we all go through breakups. We all go through the pain of not being with someone that you really wanted to be with, and that's okay. That's part of the journey of life.
Speaker 1:So if they didn't wanna be with you, then ultimately it's not someone that you wanna be with.
Speaker 2:Right, that's right. Yeah, and folks, that's a wrap.
Speaker 1:That's it.
Speaker 2:Q and A done yeah.
Speaker 1:So, guys, hopefully you have an incredible week. If you enjoy this podcast, like it, subscribe to it, share it with a friend, leave us a comment, rate, review, do all that stuff that helps us so much. Otherwise, have an incredible week. We will see you next time.
Speaker 2:That's right, see you, then 가 you, you, you.