In this episode, the Vallottons delve into the multifaceted journey of parenting, exploring the joys amidst the challenges. From embracing the chaos of everyday life with little ones to finding solace in routine, they uncover the valuable lessons that parenthood imparts.
The Joy of Having the Littles in the Midst of the Hardships of Life:
Parenthood is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, where moments of joy often intermingle with the challenges.
Despite the chaos and exhaustion, there's an unparalleled joy in witnessing the growth and development of our little ones.
Finding beauty in the ordinary moments, even amidst the toughest days, can be a source of profound fulfillment.
How Much Routine Matters:
Establishing a routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability for both parents and children.
Routines help foster a sense of security and confidence in children, enabling them to navigate daily life more smoothly.
While flexibility is essential, having a basic structure in place can alleviate stress and promote a more harmonious household.
Routines creates room for creativity and imagination.
Sensory/Regulation :
Understanding sensory processing and regulation is crucial for supporting children's emotional well-being.
Sensory experiences play a significant role in how children perceive and interact with the world around them.
Implementing strategies to support sensory needs can enhance children's ability to self-regulate and cope with challenges more effectively.
It's not about "gentle parenting" as much as it is "informed and wholistic parenting."
Nothing Lasts Forever:
Parenthood is a journey characterized by constant change and evolution.
The challenging phases eventually pass, making way for new experiences and milestones.
Embracing the impermanence of parenthood can cultivate a sense of resilience and adaptability, helping parents navigate transitions with grace.
Hard Times Produce Good Perspective:
Adversity has a way of shaping our perspective and priorities as parents.
Difficult times can offer valuable lessons and opportunities for personal growth.
Through resilience and perseverance, parents can emerge stronger and more resilient, equipped with newfound wisdom and perspective.
Parenting is a dynamic and transformative journey, filled with both joy and challenges. By embracing the highs and lows, finding solace in routine, and nurturing our children's sensory needs, we can navigate parenthood with grace and resilience. Remember, amidst the chaos, there's beauty in the everyday moments, and nothing lasts forever.
In this episode, the Vallottons delve into the multifaceted journey of parenting, exploring the joys amidst the challenges. From embracing the chaos of everyday life with little ones to finding solace in routine, they uncover the valuable lessons that parenthood imparts.
The Joy of Having the Littles in the Midst of the Hardships of Life:
Parenthood is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, where moments of joy often intermingle with the challenges.
Despite the chaos and exhaustion, there's an unparalleled joy in witnessing the growth and development of our little ones.
Finding beauty in the ordinary moments, even amidst the toughest days, can be a source of profound fulfillment.
How Much Routine Matters:
Establishing a routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability for both parents and children.
Routines help foster a sense of security and confidence in children, enabling them to navigate daily life more smoothly.
While flexibility is essential, having a basic structure in place can alleviate stress and promote a more harmonious household.
Routines creates room for creativity and imagination.
Sensory/Regulation :
Understanding sensory processing and regulation is crucial for supporting children's emotional well-being.
Sensory experiences play a significant role in how children perceive and interact with the world around them.
Implementing strategies to support sensory needs can enhance children's ability to self-regulate and cope with challenges more effectively.
It's not about "gentle parenting" as much as it is "informed and wholistic parenting."
Nothing Lasts Forever:
Parenthood is a journey characterized by constant change and evolution.
The challenging phases eventually pass, making way for new experiences and milestones.
Embracing the impermanence of parenthood can cultivate a sense of resilience and adaptability, helping parents navigate transitions with grace.
Hard Times Produce Good Perspective:
Adversity has a way of shaping our perspective and priorities as parents.
Difficult times can offer valuable lessons and opportunities for personal growth.
Through resilience and perseverance, parents can emerge stronger and more resilient, equipped with newfound wisdom and perspective.
Parenting is a dynamic and transformative journey, filled with both joy and challenges. By embracing the highs and lows, finding solace in routine, and nurturing our children's sensory needs, we can navigate parenthood with grace and resilience. Remember, amidst the chaos, there's beauty in the everyday moments, and nothing lasts forever.
We're the Valentines and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:
Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:
But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:
We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:
So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:
Welcome back everyone to Dates, Mates and Babies with the Valentines. I'm here on a very rainy uh redding day.
Speaker 2:
We've been saying that for a few months because it literally has been raining for months.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I also have a little cold.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we'd like to blame our children for that. It's true, but who doesn't have a cold right now. That's how it feels.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I know, but it does provide me with this much deeper voice.
Speaker 2:
It's incredibly sexy until the snot comes with it. It's true.
Speaker 1:
Well, good news y'all Our sex series starts next week.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we're really sorry. We told you it was going to start this week because we wanted it to, but we actually have been kind of adding to the content of it and as we have added to it, we've needed to switch the schedule around a little bit.
Speaker 1:
So fear not.
Speaker 2:
It's going to be really good, fear not. We are beginning the series on sex next Wednesday, so stay tuned.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, call your friends. You know, tell your parents.
Speaker 2:
But today's episode is going to be great too.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, today we wanted to just take some time and talk about what we've learned in parenting this year. Yeah, this has been a wild year y'all for Lauren and I. And you know, after raising three kids, co-parenting, you would think that we would have, like we'd have, it all figured out on parenting, you know.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And and round two of kids was supposed to be like real easy because we've got this dialed.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
But it hasn't. It hasn't been that We've had a really wild year and a half of parenting our littles and we've specifically had to learn a lot more this year than I think we haven't in a long time about regulation and just new tools and tactics, and so we wanted to just I don't know have a, have a conversation together. Yeah, One day about what we've learned.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think that's it's going to be great. It'll be valuable. You know, parenting is a you learn on the fly.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Like you could read all the parenting books in the world and I have a couple on audiobook right now that I'm moving through slowly but the truth about parenting is there's no way to move through it without just moving through it. And so, and no child is like the next. And so you know, in in dream world, you've got a partner in your spouse and you guys are just this team and you're after it together, because raising these little, raising these humans, is not for the faint of heart, and there are very few manuals on the job that actually walk you through what to do in the moment. And and then the truth is and this is really interesting is that I think for me and Jason, even our individual journeys inside of parenting is also really different. On one given day, in one given circumstance, I'm going through something as a mom that Jason either is or isn't also experiencing as the dad.
Speaker 2:
I think we both have had unique experiences in this last year, and and I would, I would even like to throw in there that not only are we raising these two toddlers, our daughter actually today is four years old. Yeah, which is crazy. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, edy bear. And our son is our little boy is going to be two at the end of the month, and not only are we raising these toddlers, but we've also, we've also still have, we have three adult children, and one of them is married, and you never, you never, graduate from being a parent. So I've even learned a lot of things this year that have had nothing to do with the babies and have had to do with the big kids. So, anyways, lots to share. Where do you want to begin?
Speaker 1:
Well, I think that we should. We should just start with what's, what's one thing that sticks out in your mind when you go OK with the littles, what's the biggest thing for you that you have learned this year, or what's something that you've learned that you're like, wow, I wasn't there.
Speaker 2:
Well, the first thing that stands out is probably going to be a surprise to you, because I know what stands out to you the most.
Speaker 1:
You do.
Speaker 2:
I do For me, when I think back about this past year, I think I so. I said Liam are almost two year old. He was a surprise. I mean he was the baby that I wanted to have that I didn't know I was going to be able to have. Both of them were, but Liam even more so because he was such a surprise. You know, finding out that I was pregnant with Liam was a complete shock and I pretty well committed in that moment to like enjoying and soaking up every ounce of goodness out of his little baby season that I could. And his first year of life was that for me. I mean I he was like a yeah, of course it was hard, of course you're, you're not sleeping at 10. The first year, um, but I called that the year of Liam. Like the year of Liam was such a joy to me, like I loved every, I literally loved every phase that he went through, and I felt that way about his second year too.
Speaker 2:
This past year for me has been like, um, we've walked through some things that were really challenging with Edie, which we'll talk about, cause we learned a lot. But more than I think about the challenge of Edie, I think about the joy of having two. Like it was my dream that Edie would have a sibling closer to her age that she could pair up with and become pals with, and we're watching that happen and it is as wonderful as I hoped it would be. Um, that she has a playmate and a brother is such a gift and he is so cute and he is so fun and he's learning so much and he's very boy, you know, he's very boy. So the joy of watching um a little boy in comparison to you know, my, my first baby, raising a baby, was Edie and a girl and I would have thought I would have wanted to.
Speaker 2:
I would have thought I wanted another daughter. So that Liam was a boy was a surprise to me and it was also like a heart adjustment for me because I thought, oh, I would love to raise sisters. I just found myself last night thinking if we had another baby which I know we won't I would be so happy if it was a boy. Like I love, I love having a little boy, I love having a little boy. He is, oh my gosh, I could eat him alive and so, anyways, when I think about this year, I think about, wow, I, I love being. I love being a parent to these two little kids, and the hardship of it and the things that we've had to overcome and learn and grow through feel so worth it to me, because they are amazing, I love that.
Speaker 2:
So that's the first thing that comes to my mind, but, but obviously in the realm of, like you know, sharpening us as humans and the challenge that comes with parenting, this year has been a doozy, with regards to our daughter specifically.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, um, I have a couple of things.
Speaker 2:
Great.
Speaker 1:
I'm, I might just do one.
Speaker 2:
Go ahead.
Speaker 1:
Right now. How much routine matters.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
Uh when? So I was so young when I raised my first kids from being babies. You know that I don't. I can't even hardly remember back.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, what I did before when they were kids and I was firefighting for some of those years, you know, and just uh. So this time around, it's wild to me how much routine plays a massive role in our kids being able to move throughout their day in a predictable way that provides a bunch of fun for them but a ton of stability, yeah. And, for instance, like our bedtime routine is amazing because once we hit six o'clock at night, the kids know what's going to happen, and as the older they get, the more they initiated. And so the bath time we know exactly what's going to happen in bath time. We know exactly what's going to happen for, you know the bedtime brushing and all that kind of stuff, and they get to a place where they really enjoy it, and then it makes it so much easier.
Speaker 2:
It makes bedtime really seamless yeah.
Speaker 1:
And the morning time right now is awesome too, Although Liam is can be a little whiny sometimes, especially if he's not feeling good ultra whiny, but for the most part our morning time routine is awesome too, and so it sets the kids up for success. So much in it.
Speaker 1:
It takes out a whole bunch of chaos that is unnecessary in the day, and so I would have been more of a person. That would have just been like fly by the seat of your pants, but you are so much more structured and you brought so much of that into our life.
Speaker 2:
And so.
Speaker 1:
I'm really watching, as, as we've had two babies, not just one, I'm watching how routine has saving grace. Yeah, it really is our saving grace.
Speaker 2:
I think I firmly believe, and I I would dare to say, that there's some science behind this. I couldn't quote it for you right now, but I would say, even free spirit kids actually love structure. So I, at least the thought that I subscribe to, is that if there's certain structure and routine that can provide framework for our life as a family, to the degree that we have certain guardrails in place, the more free my kids actually get to be inside of their space. Cause and where where I think the science comes in is kids are. Kids are looking for safety, they're looking to, they're looking to make sure that their needs are being taken care of and that all of this happens on, largely subconsciously. But kids are looking for answers to the questions am I safe, am I cared for, do I have what I need? And you can take a lot of guesswork out for them by placing routines in their little lives so that they don't have to ask those questions. They know what to expect.
Speaker 1:
And then it, I think, that.
Speaker 2:
What I've heard, anyways, is that when that is in place, when there's some basic structures and routines in place, creativity is increases. Kids abilities to use their imagination increases. I mean, obviously, if a kid is on the extreme, if they're focused on survival, their energy is not going towards imagination and creativity. But if, if guardrails are in place, they're not having to answer or ask those questions am I safe, am I going to be taken care of, do I get, do I have what I need Then it actually creates room for them to be even more free and even more imaginative and even more creative, and I feel like that's true for myself as well. Like I as a human, I do better when certain the things that can be automated are automated, so that I don't have to use my mental energy to go towards those boring things. I, my best energy is is used for things that feel more creative and ingenuitive and more productive, honestly. So I I am a huge fan when it comes to routine and structure, as long as it lends itself to fun and creativity.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
I mean you could structure kids to death, but Totally that bedtime routine and the morning routine.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, is key. Yeah, you know. Another thing I've learned this year is, um, I feel like I'm learning to recognize the difference between typical toddler behavior and behavior that actually indicates a deeper need, and I'll say what I mean by that is one of the things we walked through this year with our daughter is, you know, in her three year old year, we watched her become what I think I could have written off at first as like I mean, people talk about the terrible twos and the three natures, yeah, and I'm like, oh, she didn't have any. She didn't have terrible twos. She actually was an awesome two year old. She had like a great two. Her two year old year was beautiful. It was three. That was more challenging.
Speaker 2:
And at first you hear people talk about well, some kids are actually harder at three and the three natures and whatever. So at first I was like, okay, this is what people were talking about. She's definitely opinionated. She's definitely becoming a little bit more strong willed. She's definitely pushing my buttons. I'm feeling triggered by her behavior. Is this just three? And then it was part way through the year that we realized this. This actually is beyond. This goes beyond, like her, what we were noticing in her. It was going beyond what I would have categorized as a normal three year old toddler figuring herself out in the world.
Speaker 1:
She was growling at you.
Speaker 2:
Yes and um, and simultaneously, maybe on the tail end of that, we've had our son move into this toddler face himself and now that he's almost two, I'm watching him be your more typical toddler.
Speaker 2:
So when he doesn't get what he wants and when you do the banana wrong, he throws himself onto the floor and cries about it, but not because he's actually so sad, it's cause it's his only way of communicating how bumptious about the fact that you peeled the banana wrong and he, he throws himself on the ground and he cries, and then he gets up and he runs off and he does the next thing and I'm like, oh, that that's toddler, that is a toddler. So what we were seeing in ED was this much deeper need and it was, um, what I feel like I'm recognizing now. She was in like fight and or flight response, where Liam is not in fight or flight. He has limited language and a lot of ideas and he's trying to figure himself out in the world. So he throws himself on the ground because he's trying to figure out how to get his banana peeled the right way. Ed's quote tantrums were literally fight or flight response and and I'm recognizing oh, we learned this year the difference Like.
Speaker 2:
What does it look like in a child where they're in fight or flight versus basic toddler tantrum mode, and I'm grateful that this year we have learned a lot more about um regulation yeah co-regulation with our, with our toddler, um, we've learned a lot more about how, like about human development, and we've learned a lot more about what happens on a neurological level in different stages of development for kids and how that can come out in certain things that we would classify now as, like, sensory issues. We've we've worked with an occupational therapist this year that has that has really helped us understand what our daughter's body needs and we're watching her gain a lot of progress. We're watching her um walk in some freedom in some areas that six, eight, 10 months ago felt really, really impossible. With her. That's been really cool.
Speaker 1:
Well, to to that point when, when I was a kid, someone like Edie would have just got spanked a whole bunch.
Speaker 2:
Oh, totally.
Speaker 1:
And because of the lack of understanding that she's not just defiant, she's, she's not just a strong-willed child. No but she's literally dysregulated, she's literally overwhelmed, like really overwhelmed overwhelmed is the word yeah. Overstimulated and doesn't know how to sequence through emotions. Yeah, she didn't actually have the ability possess the ability to go from Something's irritating me or I'm fine to something's irritating me to. I express my need to you know it gets resolved she goes from I'm fine to something's irritating me to I'm angry.
Speaker 1:
Mm-hmm or I'm gonna run away and so it's it's been so wild this year, understanding that yeah, and. I pause because for a long time I was just like I'm having a really hard time.
Speaker 2:
I'm having grace for this.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah understanding that this isn't just like soft parenting totally, or that she doesn't just need a little more. Dr James Dobson, you know, yeah, strong-willed child. You know we got to break that will in her and fully embracing this year, like Okay, what's like, what's actually happening in her brain? Yeah brainstem and and really paying attention to it and we started to really see it when we she would want to do something. Yeah she really would want to do something.
Speaker 2:
She would want to do something that was like one of her favorite activities couldn't do it. Yeah, but her sensory modulation issues were getting in the way of her doing one of her favorite thing Like a great example was her. One of her favorite things to do is go for bike rides. Yeah, and it was actually like something that we did almost every day for six months in the spring and summer last year.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and her to moving into three. And then she reached a point where she was like three and a half where she would want to go for a bike ride so badly but she couldn't actually do it because she couldn't wear the helmet. Yeah, and she would get really upset with herself that she couldn't put the helmet on.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and be really mean to us. But it was only because she was really frustrated and sad, yeah, yeah so that was a massive for us. The thing to that I've really had to focus on a ton this year is To manage my own emotions, because in the past I've tried to get the kids to manage their emotions so that I was okay, mm-hmm, and in order to co-regulate, you have to manage your own emotions. Yeah so that you can help the child manage their emotions. It's the other way around, right like right.
Speaker 1:
I often, I often feel irritated or frustrated or upset because the kid you know what Edie or whatever early him is screaming or calling me names and and I'm, you know, I am, yeah, just regular. I'm frustrated, I'm angry and therefore, you know, I'm talking to her in a way that I don't want to or I'm trying to get her to stop and I really can't hear her need if I'm doing that, as opposed to like this year, was all about being regulated enough that we can help her or help Liam. Yeah, you know, calm down or calm down and talk through and process through what they really needed. Yeah, that was huge for me.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely, and even as you're talking, I have this thing going off inside of me. That's good, that's like, because here's the thing is I feel like there is a I'm gonna call it a trend. There's this, there's this gentle parenting trend that is very it's like pervasive right now, and if you get on social media, you can find all of these memes of like basically making fun of this Gentle parenting, like I saw on the other day, where it was this video of a child who was in the grocery store with his mom.
Speaker 2:
I saw that too and he threw a fit and laid on the ground and instead of being like, son, get up off the ground, we're get, we're going, we're leaving the store. The mom's like on the floor with him, telling him things like you're safe, buddy, you don't need to. You know, don't worry about anybody around you, I'm with you, I'm here. What you feel is valid, you know what do you need. And, of course, the, the hilarity in it is Like you can't do that, you can't just know, like your child needs To know that that tantrum in the middle of the grocery store you can't do that, bro. Like we're gonna, we're gonna take care of this emotion that you have, but we're not gonna lay on the floor in the grocery store to take care of a kind of thing. So what?
Speaker 2:
So the thing that we're walking through with Edie is interesting, because I Think my fear at the start of our journey with her was that we were on some sort of gentle parenting trend, yeah, and that we were catering to her defiance by focusing more on her feeling and her emotion than on helping her understand her way in the world. And I think what I want to say is the thing that I've learned this year is that there is. There's a difference between being afraid of being the strong leader in your child's life. There's a difference between being afraid of being that strong, authoritative leader in your child's life and in which I would say some of the gentle parenting stuff I feel like is a reaction to a Reaction to, maybe, the way that we were raised, where there wasn't a lot of validation for emotion. There wasn't a lot of a validation for your heart.
Speaker 2:
There's a lot of control, there's a huge emphasis on the rules and the structure and the institutions oh, you have to do this and you have to obey and you have to have to have to.
Speaker 2:
I feel like there's this huge reaction, but at the same time as there's a cultural reaction to that in the form of, like, a huge emphasis on this gentle parenting, there's a genuine um you, there's a, there's an understanding and a knowledge that's coming to the surface, that, in the way of tools for parents where your only tool doesn't have to be the spanking, nor does your only tool have to be the hug like you can actually, with wisdom, understand what your child is going through, get to the core of the issue While teaching them, yeah, about the fact that there is Authority, there is a godly, a Godly structure for family, there is a role of, for leadership in their life.
Speaker 2:
They can trust me to be the strong parent that can lead them through their childhood and Still there is space for me to understand what's happening with them on an emotional and even neurological level. Because here's the thing we got some input with eddy, where it was like you know, oh, she's just three, don't worry, she'll grow out of that. Don't work, don't you know? Don't worry about it, she's just a kid. This is how kids do and my response to that. There was something in it where I was like no, no, here's, because here's the thing she's actually suffering.
Speaker 2:
Yeah like she's in pain, she is sad. Yeah, she's actually starting to be critical of herself.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, in her own little emotional experience and she's developing, unhealthy Developing unhealthy coping mechanisms, because if I don't respond to her with a solution for her pain, then she has to figure out how to cope with it, and what that looks like in a 13, 14, 15 year old is not something I'm interested in. I want to attack this when she's three. Give her better coping skills. I want to help, I want to walk her through a healing process so that her the left side of her brain because this is literally what it comes down to the left side of her brain and the right side of her brain should know how to work together Insynchronous so that she can actually approach the demands of her day with the right tools. It's, this isn't about gentle parenting. This is about understanding the psychology and the neurology of my child and understanding where she's lacking and what she needs.
Speaker 2:
It's like looking at somebody who's deficient in vitamin D. You don't go like, oh, get over it. You know new mercies every morning. They're like, yes, totally, that is true. Also, you're really deficient in vitamin D. If you take this supplement over here, you're gonna feel like loads better tomorrow, whether it's sunny outside or not, and I think that's that's how I felt with Edie this year. I was like, oh, she's. Actually there's a deficiency, not cuz something's wrong with her, broken with her, but there's Just for backstory. She never crawled, she didn't really crawl, and she started speaking at 10 months. And so what we learned in occupational therapy gene.
Speaker 2:
For starters, she's a genius. Secondly, what we learned is that in her development she skipped over the phase of Toddler development where your left brain and your right brain really learned how to work together. So she moved quickly through the phase where you're actually have to be in your body which this is all very scientific and I'm not gonna get all the terminology right but she skipped over the phase of development where she had to be really in her body. She went straight to language, which is much more of a mental. She came she comes at things cognitively rather than physically and that's caused trouble for her in In, in integrating some of her senses. It causes trouble and it's it causes a Lot of anxiety and she comes at certain very basic daily activities with a fight-or-flight response instead of a Quote more Rational, integrated response to the things that she's experiencing in the world.
Speaker 2:
Well, I'm so glad to know that because I can help her. That means she doesn't have to be the kid that Freaks out about her clothes until she forms enough coping mechanisms to get through it, which then looks like self-protection later in life that I don't want her to have to have. Yeah, so all I'm saying is we've learned an incredible amount this year about how to help raise our kids on In this, in this arena, where we just didn't know a lot about it beforehand. And I've even had conversations with our older kids since and explaining, kind of what Edie's been going through, and one of our, one of our adult kids, was like, oh my gosh, that was me, yeah. And we look back and we're like, yeah, totally Sorry, we didn't know, we could have helped you better If we had known. I'm so glad we're learning this now.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's true. Well, that's what I have.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, do you have anything else. Oh yeah, I could go on and on Um yeah.
Speaker 1:
I think well, oh, I just had a go ahead thing that I feel is important. Okay, is Nothing lasts forever.
Speaker 2:
Oh, it's so good.
Speaker 1:
So that was one of the things that was really challenging for me at the beginning with with what we're going through with. Edie is Guys. For a long time I was the only one that could put her to bed at night and the only one that could get her dressed in the morning. Yep, and she wanted me for everything, otherwise it'd be really dysregulated and it was so incredibly hard.
Speaker 1:
Yeah because putting her to bed at night meant like massive you know fits and things like that, and so, anyways, you know I got really low. Just I mean, it was just like how long.
Speaker 2:
I felt pretty trapping.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I couldn't go out at night with friends, anything like that. Yeah, but nothing lasts forever. I have a friend at church. I have some friends whose babies not sleeping very well, right, now and it's. She's been going on, I don't know, two, three months of not sleeping very well and I keep telling them every week it won't last forever, totally because they're, you know, they're so really doesn't, yeah, but it doesn't last forever. Yeah, that's so incredibly helpful.
Speaker 2:
It is. Yeah, I think you know a Lot of the hard things that have happened this year, both in parenting and just in life. It really does bring perspective, like when you go through hard times. It it really does bring perspective and one of I mean, I can't separate what we've learned this year about parenting from even my mom's death.
Speaker 2:
Yeah and the Going through a hard time with our, with our toddler, while simultaneously Losing my mom in her battle with cancer. There's been a lot of timely overlaps, actually, that have helped me in my perspective on life, on parenting in general, and one of the things that has really marked me this year along those lines. I just remember feeling like the struggles we were having with Edie Because I was finding myself so emotionally triggered when she would get emotionally triggered. It was very disconnecting for us for a while until we really figured out what was going on and we had a game plan for how to help her. I felt like it was really hurting our connection, like I was so grieved over that I wasn't enjoying her. I was so grieved that I Felt like part of her little toddler season, I was being robbed of the joy of what should have been and could have been super sweet and bonding.
Speaker 2:
It felt like we were in such a battle with her every day that I I, you know I really felt sad about how disconnecting of a time it was and Then losing my own mom, it caused me to kind of go back and look at my own childhood and I realized that my mom was Like.
Speaker 2:
Losing her has been like losing a best friend, but not because my childhood was perfect, yeah, and not because she was a perfect parent and not because she was super in touch with the Neurology or the psychology of what was happening, with happening with each of her kids all the way through. They're growing up years, right Like the, the. The depth, the bond that I have had with my mom and the friendship that I've shared with my mom as we, as I've gotten older, is, in spite of all of the disconnecting, hard and painful things that I, that we do go through when we're growing up, and so I think there's been this beautiful, this beautifully helpful perspective for me where I've gone, oh, I can. I can go through really hard times with our kids and Still expect a beautiful, connected relationship with them as long as we both shall live.
Speaker 2:
Yeah you know and I I think about you know, as parents, I think we get the opportunity. Opportunity, hopefully, every generation builds on whatever the last generation Handed you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah and so I think about you know, my grandma Was like a survivor. She was a single mom raising two kids by herself. Pretty much she worked a ton, so she didn't have a lot of time for play with my mom. She she gave my mom a lot of things. A Super quality play time was not one of the things that she was able to give my mom, but they loved each other. And what she did give my mom was beautiful.
Speaker 2:
What my mom gave us was, you know, we weren't just surviving, it was like she was taking care of what she needed to take care of and and we us kids were loved and cared for and nurtured by my mom, but we weren't necessarily like deeply connected in all of the areas of our hearts. She didn't fully understand, you know, what was going on with us. She was just doing her best. And now I realize, wow, like the fact that I have the luxury of being able to Pay such close attention to what's going on with my kids, that I'm Understand like I'm, I'm being given this opportunity that my mom didn't have, and my grandma sure Didn't have to understand what's happening with my kids on such a deeper level than they were ever able to and I.
Speaker 2:
It just reminds me that when we're actually just doing our best with our kids, we're building on Whatever our parents were able to give us, which was probably their best, whatever it was, and we can trust that in doing our best, we're actually gonna have the bond and the connection with our kids that our hearts really, really, really desire, even when circumstances aren't perfect and even when we struggle along the way and even when we get really angry and overstimulated by their anger and overstimulation. Like there's so much grace in it. And I think if I've learned anything this year, it's just that I don't need to be afraid of the hard seasons with our kids. As long as my Connection with them is my high priority and as long as I'm doing my best, I feel like we can honestly say we've done our best this year. Yeah, and we're seeing the fruit of it.
Speaker 1:
It's true, yeah, well, there's some thoughts for y'all, I think we should high five.
Speaker 2:
We've done our best.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we learned a lot this year, it's true, yeah, and parents have to be. You got to be kind to yourself and it's really helpful to look back and reflect on what you've learned and get that bigger perspective of life and in what your own Life and in what you're ultimately accomplishing by loving your kids.
Speaker 1:
So well and putting your effort into it. So, guys Hopefully enjoyed this week. We have a marriage intensive coming up, so we're gonna launch our marriage intensive in April mid April and so you can go to Lauren and Jason or Jason and Lauren, valentine calm and check out our marriage intensive. But we are gearing up for that and excited about excited about it. If you enjoyed our podcast, would you please share it with a friend, like and subscribe. Also, leave comments. That helps so much. Otherwise, have an incredible week. We will see you next week.