Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
94. The 4th Quarter: Strengthening Relationships at Year's End
Episode Summary:
As we wrap up the year, the last few months often bring holiday stress, busier schedules, and the opportunity for intentionality. This episode dives into why the fourth quarter of the year is a pivotal time for strengthening relationships and offers practical tips for deepening connections, navigating holiday tensions, wrapping up the year with relational intentionality.
1. The Fourth Quarter Mindset
- We still have time to go! We can win big. Discuss why the 4th quarter is a natural time to invest in our closest relationships.
- There unique dynamics at play: busy schedules, increased family gatherings, and holiday expectations
- But we can really capitalize on our culture’s emphasis on the holiday season by making it an incredible season of intentionality
2. Balancing Holiday Stress with Relational Connection
- There are great strategies for managing holiday stress without letting it impact your relationships.
- It’s important to set boundaries, prioritize quality time, and manage energy levels to stay present with loved ones.
- It’s important to create space for intentional moments with family and friends amidst the busyness of the season.
- It’s also important to make time to recharge
3. Reflect and Reconnect: End-of-Year Conversations
- Reflect on how the holidays went last year, and contemplate how you want them to feel this year!
- Ask questions like,
- How did the holidays go LAST year, and what would we want to do the same or differently?
- What would make this holiday season feel really rich and meaningful to you?
- Are there any conversations I need to have before the holidays to prepare for great moments of connection with my spouse/kids/parents/friends/extended family?
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We're the valetins and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. We are glad to be with you today.
Speaker 2:We sure are Happy November everybody.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Good to be with you. We just got back from celebrating my best friend's engagement in Atlanta, Georgia. So, that was a really fun way to kick off a new month.
Speaker 1:It was.
Speaker 2:And babe, we are sliding into holiday season.
Speaker 1:We're running in the holiday season.
Speaker 2:Guys, how many opportunities to practice relational health do you get during the holidays?
Speaker 1:Like a billion.
Speaker 2:I mean it's like the pressure cooker of relational health opportunities, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2:We're going to talk today about, um, the fourth quarter y'all.
Speaker 1:Hey, before we do that, yeah. What's your favorite like when the holiday season's coming? What's the thing that you just look forward to the most? Can I give you a couple options?
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Is it the pumpkin spice lattes that are coming?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Is it? Well, you don't know. I'm telling you no Is it being able to play Christmas music like all season long right there Maybe. Is it um like the Christmas shopping?
Speaker 2:putting all things together.
Speaker 1:Okay, go ahead. What's your favorite thing you look forward to?
Speaker 2:All right, absolutely scented candles. I'm going away from your suggestions now.
Speaker 1:No, it's great, I was just trying to get you started, guys.
Speaker 2:I found this candle company called Fontana, and they are all natural.
Speaker 1:They should sponsor us.
Speaker 2:It's an all natural candle company and I just received my first one in the mail and it is fantastic. So, highly recommend. Love a good scented candle Um are they the non-toxic ones? Non-toxic? Yeah, they're made with beeswax and only essential oils.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I caught Lauren with a towel overhead leaning over the candle the other day, completely just breathing it in.
Speaker 2:Not true, but I do love a good candle. Um, I love playing Christmas music In fact, we had Christmas music on in the house this morning during breakfast and I also love Christmas shopping and I love putting together guys. My favorite uh, my favorite thing about Christmas morning is stockings, and I get obsessive over doing great stockings for all of our kids, and so that's like one of my favorite things.
Speaker 1:Can I just give the guys a pro tip right now, before we even get started and dive in? Don't wait till the last minute.
Speaker 2:That's such a good, such a good recommendation.
Speaker 1:Don't wait till the last minute and babe what you do for me. This may be off topic from what we're talking about here, today is throughout, like throughout the holiday season, you start to put into your like Christmas gift list. We have a shared note.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I make a little. I make a little list, guys, for Jay, because he loves to buy me little things that I'm going to enjoy, but he doesn't know how to read my mind and so I help him out and I just kind of have like a little wishlist with a few little things and some links and some ideas.
Speaker 1:It makes both of our lives better when it comes to gift giving, babe, what are we talking about today?
Speaker 2:Okay, so circling back, and you know what. We just talked a lot about Christmas. I know it's only November 4th, but here's something that I've realized the holidays will take you by storm. If you don't take the holidays by storm, they will take you. And so today we kill or be killed.
Speaker 1:This is dog eat dog.
Speaker 2:It is the the holidays mean business. And so this episode is about the fourth quarter strengthening relationships at year's end, which I think is a fantastic way to spend a little bit of time, just kind of unpacking some of these thoughts. Because here's the thing about the fourth quarter, right, like, regardless of how the year has gone, whether it's been challenging, whether it's been the most fun year you've ever had or anything in between the fourth quarter, you can win in the fourth quarter. There's time Like we've got two solid months left in 2024. And I think that it's an incredible opportunity. The holidays, um, you know, the last few months of the year often bring holiday stress and busy schedules, but they bring an opportunity for intentionality in relationships, right? I don't know another time of year that brings more opportunities for intentionality. And so if we set ourselves up well, I think we can really win in the fourth quarter with regards to relational connection and equity in our relationships. And so we want to kind of unpack how to navigate this pivotal time. You know how? How to?
Speaker 1:we want to offer you guys some practical tips like how do we deepen these connections, how do we navigate holiday tension, how do we actually wrap up the year with a lot of intentionality, so let's um well, this is this is the time of year when, if you, if you're not really purposeful and intentional, it's like the whole ship just falls apart, because often families are trying to wrap up school for the kids, they're like the women, women are shopping like crazy and I just think, like you, have all these relational dynamics that are coming. So this, I think a lot of people don't like the holidays.
Speaker 2:Well, it can be stressful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think people you look back and you're like oh, thank God they're over and that's okay. I think so You're looking at me kind of weird. No, I hear that.
Speaker 2:I mean I love the holidays so I can't relate to that at all, but what I would say.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm not done saying.
Speaker 2:Oh, go ahead.
Speaker 1:I just think that the holidays, if you're not careful, can overtake you. Yeah, they can overrun you and you can look back and be like man. I'm kind of. I'm glad I need a break.
Speaker 2:Well, okay, yes, and also I think that the way that our culture is set up culture, especially in our Western culture it's set up to. You know, there's a cultural theme for the fourth quarter of the year and it is centered around gathering, being with gratitude, with Thanksgiving, family at the holidays. Those are cultural norms that are really emphasized in this time of year, and so I think you're right, I think it can bring up sadness for people that have a lot of disappointment or pain in the area of relationships. I think that for families, it can feel like a very busy, pressuresome time of year, and and I think that, because the holidays happen, whether you're really intentional about the season or not, what can sometimes happen is you can get to January and look back and go man, I don't feel like I really took advantage of that, like it only comes around once a year, not that the holidays are the only time of year that you can enjoy connectedness and togetherness and intentionality and celebration and tradition, but our culture is set up to really dive deep into those things, and so I think it's an incredible opportunity, like the holiday season is actually a really beautiful opportunity to capitalize on this season set up for us to enjoy each other and to really pour in to relational connection. And so my dream for us and our family, and then for anybody listening, would be that, hey, you know what this year like, let's win in the fourth quarter, let's make the fourth quarter count, and when we get to the beginning of 2025, I want to be able to look back at the holiday season and go, wow, what a special time that we savored and we did it in a way that was intentional and, um, we navigated some of the the natural pressures of the holiday season in a way that protected connection with each other and our families.
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, so let's just talk a little bit about, um, let's talk about first, balancing holiday stress, because it is, it can be a stressful time. I mean, you mentioned this and it's true, like schedules can be wild. Kids, you know there's like school performances and Christmas get togethers and parties and like dance recitals and, uh, you know, events and all kinds of things, and so that alone can create an opportunity for stress. But then, even relationally, you know there's a lot of family time, a lot of, maybe, expectations, a lot of things that you have to navigate in a way that, uh, you know you want to do a good job with your even your extended family, like managing expectations and figuring out how you want to plan and all of those kinds of things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean to me the like I would say, starting out the. The first thing that really helps us a lot is actually knowing what the plan is, yeah, and knowing how much time we're going to be spending throughout the holiday season on the kids. Like, are there any last minute things that we have to do? Are there school things that we have to do? Um, is there a bunch of shopping that you have to do? Is there prep that you have to do? Is there house stuff that I need to get done before the family gets here? Like all that stuff creates.
Speaker 1:That stuff creates busyness, stress. And then I also think a big one for me is making sure that I just get enough time to recharge. Yeah, because even like we just went to your friend, our friend's, engagement party, and I have to find like little tiny windows to get away by myself for an hour here and there and recharge, otherwise I'm like shot. And when I think about the holiday season overall, for me, if I have like a little bit of windows in between the busyness, then it helps me so much. But I would say the number one for us is what's the plan, what are the different events that we're doing, and do we have? Like, is that what we want to do? Is it realistic? Do we feel set up for success?
Speaker 2:Because, like, there can be so many different parties and things that are coming up that at some point it's like well, yeah, we always say that the goal of relationship, in marriage specifically, is connection, and if if you have any other goal in your marriage or in your family other than connection, it's not going to work very well, because ultimately, you'll start prioritizing certain things over one another, and I think the holiday season is a good time to practice.
Speaker 2:You know, can I actually protect my connection with my spouse over all these other things? Can I protect my connection with you, babe, over this felt pressure that I have to make Christmas amazing at the house? Or can I protect my connection with you over, um, maybe all of the opportunities that we have to be at social gatherings? Like you know, I don't want to miss any of the Christmas parties and some of them you're like, uh, I could do with a night at home, like, do we know how to talk through that so that at the end of the holiday season I can say, jay and I or my kids, and, uh, you know, we with our kids, we're actually more connected than we were at the beginning of the holiday season.
Speaker 2:I want to be able to say that, and I think that um figuring out ways to prioritize quality time and setting practical boundaries and managing your energy levels to stay present, Like that's what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:How do I?
Speaker 2:manage my energy levels to stay present with people that I love. I think that's really important. And then ultimately, um, you know, creating space for those intentional moments with family and friends amidst the busyness. So I think that's what makes the holidays feel rich. It's not just the going to and from event to event to event, but what are actually the intentional moments that I want to have with our family and friends in the middle of that season.
Speaker 2:And for me, I can think of a couple of things. Like over the years, you know, there might be like a dozen opportunities to do social things, but I feel like we have kind of um focused in on the main things that we like doing each year that create a sense of togetherness and connectedness. So, you know, we do not miss an opportunity to go cut down a Christmas tree as a family. And when we're talking with our kids about the holidays, like our, our oldest daughter right now, um, she travels some for work, and so you know we were on the phone a couple of weeks ago talking about her work travel schedule and she's wanting to make sure that she doesn't miss Christmas tree cutting day, because that day has become for us like a very, very important, like connecting day to kind of kick off Christmas season with our big kids and our family.
Speaker 1:And it is possible that we do it twice a year cut a Christmas tree Sometimes you know, what's even possible this year is that we would do it before Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2:Guys, because I mean, wild as that might seem, I got to say the time between Christmas and Thanksgiving this year is a little bit too short for my liking. I got I like to have my tree for a solid month, yeah, um, so really finding that time, and and then you know, with like to have my tree for a solid month Um, so, really finding that time.
Speaker 2:And and then you know, with we have some of our closest friends here in town. We do a Christmas dinner every year together and we might not make it to every Christmas party that we're invited to, but we're going to make sure that we hit the ones that feel like. No, this feels like family, like we've built some rich history, some some deep tradition here and it's worth protecting time and and planning ahead with babysitters and all the things right. Some of that is it's really worth it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like it. Um, to me, like the next little portion is actually taking time to reflect and reconnect, like I like to look at how did we do last year the holidays?
Speaker 1:Yeah, how did the holiday season feel last year and is there anything that we want to tweak or change? Yeah, anything that we want to add to it. And by like reflecting on that holiday season, you can like continue to again, like build out the traditions, or I mean just the other day you were talking about wanting to, um, take Edie and Liam through an Advent like little devotional. Yeah, and that's been the Advent calendar they really looked forward to. Last year you made it really special with like putting a jelly bean or something in every single day and kind of getting them used to like what Advent is the anticipation? Yeah, and then this year I thought it was great when you were like, hey, I want to do a little Advent devotional.
Speaker 1:Edie's been talking about asking Jesus into her heart and all this cute stuff that's so foundational and pivotal. But this is a time where you look back. I think it's helpful to look back and go. What things do we feel like we're missing and what things would we like to add to it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I know one more thing that was for our big kids. A while ago we just felt like Christmas time was starting to get to, this entitlement thing when our big kids were in the house Sorry, when our big kids were little, they were like 12, 13, 14, those years. So we realized one year we've got to kind of switch Christmas up how we open up presents Instead of everyone just ripping through shredding presents all at the same time. We really slowed Christmas down and did one gift at a time and everyone kind of you know watched it and participated in that. That made the whole flow feel better.
Speaker 2:It did, it really did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that reflection question of how did we do the holidays last year and what would we do differently, and I mean, a couple of things stand out to me.
Speaker 2:I remember specifically um, well, last year was interesting cause it was my first Christmas without my mom, which I would say, you know, along the lines of, like, the holidays bring up a lot of things. Um, you know, for some of you listening, the holidays can be painful. Or maybe this Christmas or this holiday season is a particularly painful one. And I think, just taking some time to actually acknowledge that and let it sink in and even asking yourself the question like what do I need? So last year in particular, my mom had just passed away in the fall and I knew that I was going to need Thanksgiving to feel different than normal, and my dad and my youngest brother were coming to town last year and I just had this real strong desire to host Thanksgiving dinner at our house, which, honestly, was a little weird to recommend because, gosh, as long as we've been together, we've done Thanksgiving at your parents' house.
Speaker 2:Um and I even felt a little bit guilty for asking if we could do Thanksgiving at our house last year, but I just knew in my heart like I needed to be able to create a space that really felt like what my mom would have done and every family does it differently and I felt such a need to to be nested in at home last year and it actually ended up being beautiful and your parents joined us and your sister and our kids, and it was actually a really lovely time, um. But I was very thankful that I took the time to ask my heart, like what do you need? And it's not all about me, right, like I don't get to ask me, just me what do I need every year? But last year I got to, I had lost my mom and everybody was very happy to help facilitate a Thanksgiving that felt meaningful. I was just very glad I gave myself space to ask those questions.
Speaker 2:And then, um, I remember Christmas time. A couple of years ago, we initiated like a gift swap so that everybody in our immediate family so me and you and all, all the kids and, um, our daughter-in-law we would draw names and that has been a really fun tradition too. So, of course, you know we enjoy buying some gifts for all the kids. But it's been fun to initiate kind of that gift swap tradition and, um, you know the big kids have already been asking about that this year and and looking forward to that.
Speaker 1:I think the more traditions that you can add into the holiday season, just the more everyone really looks forward to those types of things. And we've talked about it before. But, like for Christmas, my family has made cioppino for 70 years or something. And that's just. We've just so looked forward to that. Even though everyone in the whole family doesn't eat it, we make something else too for those that don't, but all of us just love it. It's like this thing that we've done forever Keeps our family together, yep.
Speaker 2:Traditions definitely make connection time feel so much more rich.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's true make connection time feel so so much more rich. Yeah, it's, it's true, um, okay. So obviously the holidays can also bring up opportunity for family dynamics to arise, and when I think about, um, navigating kind of like potential tensions because you know a whole house full of extended family twice in a month's time, I mean there's just lots of things that can arise. But one of the things, babe, that I feel like we have done a great job at in the last number of years is, uh, communicating about things that we need to communicate about before the holidays. So there's been years where we've had, you know, as our big kids were getting older, we picked up on some, some things that we felt like we wanted to see different. At some of our holiday meal gatherings we were like, wow, our big kids are getting older and their needs are different than when they were little.
Speaker 2:And let's have a conversation with your parents ahead of time about hey, let's this year do a really intentional job of like creating conversation around the table.
Speaker 1:That the kids enjoy yeah.
Speaker 2:And so and we did that I remember we did that before Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years ago and got really intentional about that kind of culture shift at dinnertime and that's been really helpful and fun. And another thing that comes to mind is just, um, you know, when you can look ahead at some of the family dynamics that might arise, then having those conversations before everybody is together is such a great way to set you up for enjoying when you're actually together. If you like, spring things on each other the day before Thanksgiving, when everybody's showing up at the house.
Speaker 2:that's tough, but if you can actually stop, pause and give yourself some time to think about last year's holidays and then ask your heart, even like what do you feel like you need in order to really protect connection with each other this year, have those chats, if you need to, beforehand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's real.
Speaker 1:I mean it's just such an opportunity to set yourself up for success and set some healthy limits and clear expectations.
Speaker 1:I think it's our unspoken expectations that create a lot of pain in those events, and so I mean you can just have such a better holiday season and better connection relationally, with clear expectations.
Speaker 1:I know too, like between husband and wife, like I think when we first were together, you have such different expectations about what special events should feel like than me, and so there was much more, I think, a lot more things to talk through because we were so new and a lot more potential for, like disappointment on one end or another. Right like you want me to be maybe more present than what I would have wanted to be, or you want things to feel more intentional than like my like oh, we'll just kind of take it as it comes. And so I think really having some very clear conversations and expectations around the environment, um, like what, what things should feel, like, what are we going to do? What you know, that's always been like a big thing for us and in the beginning it was a lot. It was hard, much harder for me. Um, just because, man, your parents made the holidays so special and kind of your wiring like you just really have some expectations around.
Speaker 2:We get really sentimental, we get very specific about how to create experiences and, yeah, it's true. So you know that along those lines, I can think of a couple of of things that have been important for us and it it might sound silly, but the more we can talk ahead of time about what we are both needing in in any sort of event, like that's, that's better. I can think about times where we have been getting ready to go to dinner, um, or like a holiday party or something, and I have taken the time to actually say ahead of time like hey, babe, I really am looking forward to tonight. I know that you could probably take or leave this event, but this is something I've really been looking forward to all week long.
Speaker 2:I wanna feel like we're there together. So tonight I think I would feel sad if you like paired off and just talked with the guys. It would feel so much more fun to me if we felt like we were sharing this night together. So tonight could you include me in conversation? Could we be together at this party instead of like Jay finds his corner and Lauren's? Over here doing her social butterfly thing.
Speaker 1:That's where I take Lauren to talk with the guys, with me, so that she doesn't feel alone.
Speaker 2:Well, I I give that example because sometimes couples have different needs in certain events. Or you know, jay will be like, hey, babe, I am really tired. I know you're looking forward to this party. I probably can't stay past nine 30. That's what I got in me. And I have to go like, okay, he's communicating a need, we're going to go and we're gonna have a blast until nine 30. And I have to go like, okay, he's communicating a need, we're going to go and we're going to have a blast until 930.
Speaker 2:And then when he says he needs to go, I'm not going to complain. Like got it, Thanks for telling me.
Speaker 1:But I think that those kinds of things are actually really helpful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true, you guys. Ultimately, if we can get great at being intentional about each season that we're in, but gosh, really capitalizing on this holiday time to pour relational connection in to our most meaningful relationships, or to really and or to really um, take time, even if you're single, even if you're dating, to actually consider the holidays before they come and be really intentional about how you point yourselves at the people that you love in this holiday season. I think that we're going to find that we're really going to win in this fourth quarter fourth quarter, y'all let's do it.
Speaker 1:Let's win. All right, guys. Hopefully you enjoyed this week's episode Um. Feel free to share it like subscribe, if you haven't subscribed to our podcast, so you don't miss any episodes. Otherwise, we will see you next week.