Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
105. The Questions We’re Too Scared to Ask, Part 2
Description:
We’re back with Part 2 of one of our most vulnerable episodes yet—because some questions in marriage are too important to ignore. Last week, we unpacked some of the biggest fears that keep couples stuck, and today, we’re digging even deeper.
We’re talking about:
💬 Why does sex feel like an obligation instead of a connection?
👩👧 Why do I feel like the default parent while my spouse gets to "opt in" to parenting? (Spoiler: This isn’t just a struggle for women!)
💔 What if my marriage isn’t what I thought it would be, and it never will be?
😞 What if I’m the only one trying to fix our marriage?
Avoiding these questions won’t make them go away, but facing them can bring healing and clarity.
💡 Next Steps:
Healing doesn’t happen in a single conversation. That’s why we created Restore & Renew, a 6-week marriage intensive designed to help couples break free from disconnection and rebuild a joyful, resilient relationship.
👉 Click here to sign up and take the first step.
🎧 Listen now and start the conversation that could change everything.
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We're the valetins and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health. Hey everybody, welcome back to part two of the questions we're too scared to ask here on Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. If you're just tuning in, go back and catch part one, where we took a deep dive into some of the most difficult questions that married couples often avoid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and part one. We opened up about tough topics like disconnection, feeling lonely in your marriage, even intimacy issues that are really difficult to address, Even topics like what do I do if I don't feel attracted to my spouse. But definitely go back and listen before you dive into today's episode.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. Today we're gonna pick up right where we left off, tackling more of those tough, unspoken questions that we actually extracted from you guys who sent us in over 150 questions before a live Q&A that we did last week. So you know questions from feeling like the default parent to confronting unmet desires. These questions are really painful but when we explore them and we actually put words to them, it's a step towards moving forward in healing and deeper connection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well then let's jump in.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's just like really go for the jugular on this first one. Are you ready? Why does sex often feel like an obligation instead of connection?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a lot of times I mean I want you to answer this ultimately, but this is a massive one. I remember early on in our marriage, probably three years in, I remember you sitting on the bed going like I think you literally even said it to me why do we even have to have sex? It was like one of the I wanted to crawl out of the bed and throw myself out. The window.
Speaker 2:It would have been a short fall. It was a one story house window.
Speaker 1:It would have been a shortfall.
Speaker 2:It was a one story house Um do you want to answer this one, babe? I mean, I just feel like this is a lot of what.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, I mean couples go through and. But we don't want to say it right, like uh, I was on a, uh, I was on a call yesterday.
Speaker 2:God.
Speaker 1:I'm back to. Well, actually last week I was on a call last week with a married couple and she was just saying man, sex feels so much like an obligation and for him it feels so painful to hear that, right, yeah, so a lot of women, a lot of women are carrying this question a lot and I just, yeah, I think you it's more common.
Speaker 2:For sure, it's not always, but it is more common. You know, issues with intimacy are so wrapped in layers of shame and frustration, so it really does make addressing it challenging. Because nobody wants to feel that way in marriage. No, nobody wants to, no. And it is really tricky, right, because before marriage, sex doesn't feel like an obligation, it feels like it feels exciting, and you know, inside of marriage, where and this isn't the only contributing factor, right, but. But what we find is that inside the context of marriage, our relationship, our connection is affected by so many more things than before marriage. This covenant bond that we have said yes to it comes with a decent amount of pressure and a decent amount of stress, and life can be really challenging. So, inside of marriage, sex starts to feel like an obligation when you don't actually understand Well, in a few ways, a few ways, I think when we don't actually understand the value of sexual connection and what it adds to our marriage. So that question I asked you on the edge of the bed that day, it was, it was the followup question was why did God? The edge of the bed that day, it was, it was the follow-up question was why did God create sex in the first place. If it's gonna feel like this really hard place to see eye to eye on, what's the point? Why did he create it this way? And so you know, I don't know that we're gonna go into like why God created sex the way that he did, all the way. We'd have a whole episode on that which I'll put in the show notes because it's actually a rock solid, awesome episode. It's so good Part of our sex series. But we actually have to understand why and how God created it in order to value it the way that we should. And I feel like for me, the way that we should.
Speaker 2:And, um, I feel like for me the there was a really big eye opening moment that happened for me a little, a little while after I asked that big question and kind of, you know, aired my dirty laundry, so to speak, like admitted that there was this at the time, like a real haunting question inside of me why, why is this? Like, what is the point? I'm like a real haunting question inside of me why, why is this? Like, what is the point? And a real, a really helpful aha moment happened for me when, after we had kind of explored together God's design for sex. And then you actually shared with me something really profound. You said when I married you, I gave you my word that every ounce of sexual energy that is inside of me that God put there I didn't put it there, he'd put it there. I promise to aim that at you and only you for the rest of my life. You're the only sexual partner I'll ever have and I, I do the work to make sure that I protect you in that promise all day, every day.
Speaker 2:So for me, what that did was it reframed. I went like, okay, yeah, for starters, my husband didn't wire himself, god wired him. He wired him with a sex drive. I actually have one too, by the way. It just gets a little bit buried underneath my list of responsibilities and tasks. Do I want it to be that way? No, and here's how God made us different.
Speaker 2:Right, like in stress, jay wants sex. In stress, I want to shower by myself. I don't want anybody in there. You know, in in times of pressure, I want to sleep. When Jason's really tired, he wants sex. He didn't wire himself that way, I didn't wire myself that way. So you know, for starters, just having a lot of grace for each other like wow, we really are wired up different. Now I choose to prioritize our sex life, which you could say that you could put that in the obligation category. I choose often to prioritize our sex life because it is really fruitful to do so Like a physical connection. God designed it that a physical connection would foster emotional connection. And guess what? We really desperately need deep emotional connection in order to enjoy our life together. I could put that in the in the category of obligation, until I realize, well, well, good grief, there's a lot of things I do on a day in and day out basis because I know it's good for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not because I feel like doing it. So you know, in our sex life, when I feel like it, that's a bonus, that's a great day. Listen there feel like doing it. So you know, in our sex life, when I feel like it, that's a bonus, that's a great day. Listen, there's like one week out of the month where my body is ready to go. The rest of the time I do it because it's good for us, not just for him. It's good for us because an emotional, connected relationship is good for us.
Speaker 1:It's true, I think the difference between obligation and privilege is my vision for us. It's true, I think the difference between obligation and privilege is my vision for it. Yeah that's good and it's. It's how we have little kids who pull on us and pull from us all day long and go wow, these kids are amazing. All they're doing is taking from you, but they're so beautiful.
Speaker 2:They have so much vision for them, right and so in our sex life, I think.
Speaker 1:A lot of times it feels like I'm being pulled from you know my husband's being selfish, he wants something more. He's this is I can never give enough and um, and so I think going back to being able to it really helps me, babe, when you talk to me about how you feel in this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It helps me to know that my sexual jokes don't turn you on. They're actually a turn off. No, they don't. That old sixth grader comes up and I go.
Speaker 2:Don't take me back to junior high, where I had to be around a whole bunch of perverted boys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2:They were well-meaning, just hormonal.
Speaker 1:They're is sixth grade. Yeah, but I think, getting back to, also, there's things that we can do to set you up for success. Time of day me being intentional, all of that. We cover this so much in our marriage intensive. We actually have a whole lesson just on sex in marriage. But sex is going to be an obligation If you don't have any vision for it, if you're not building a, a, if you're not actively communicating about how to grow in this area with one another if you're only allowing your emotions to dictate what you do and don't do in this area so you're probably not going to take all the stress off your life.
Speaker 1:You're not going to change how you're wired. You're not going to change the demands that you live under. You're going to change the value for it and you're going to change how you prep and set up for it. So, absolutely love it. Why do I feel like the default parent while my spouse gets to opt into parenting?
Speaker 2:Okay, for starters, I want to say it's not just women that feel this way. I actually have people in my life who I know, who like, for example, the dad is more stay at home than the mom. No, I mean, I just I can think of multiple couples. I want to just like erase the stereotype. I mean maybe there's more moms that feel this than dads, but it is regardless of if you're the husband or the wife feeling this way. It's a lonely place.
Speaker 1:What you've done really well in our marriage is you've communicated this to me and a way that I can hear it Again, like I feel like you've talked to the King in me and said hey, I love you. Um, I'm really excited to go out tonight with our friends, um, and and the kids. I really want to make sure that we're a team.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:My fear. So you're talking about yourself. My fear is that I'm going to end up having to, you know, take care of the kids while you're outside talking with your guy friends, and I can understand that. Yeah, and I can hear that because you talked about yourself, and I can see a target right when women are talking to a man like show him the target to hit, not what he's doing wrong all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so when you go like man, I want to feel like a team. I'm like me too.
Speaker 2:I want to feel like a team.
Speaker 1:I want her to feel proud of me. So I think that's a large part of it is as a man just coming from being a man. As a man, it's easy for me to get hyped about seeing my friends or if we go out somewhere or even coming home, like it's easy for me to come home and to start being like I had a long day at work and I just want to.
Speaker 1:I want to kick my feet up I deserve it, you know I deserve it, mccrory and and to hang out, but the one thing my dad really helped me with. A long time ago, when I was early, early, early married. He said, um, I'm going to be a. Hey, you're not off work till the kids are in bed. And that was given to him from Bill. And so you know between you communicating when, because you felt like this before lots of times, yeah, you communicating.
Speaker 2:This has probably been one of my biggest pain points in marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah for sure, but you communicating in a way that I can hear you yeah, and not just feel shame Like I don't hit the mark and you're the only one working hard all day, and has been really helpful yeah.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent the. The thing that we have, we have gotten really, really good at which is one of the things that I value the most about our marriage is our sense of teamwork, and we didn't start out that way. We've had to build our team culture.
Speaker 1:Everything that we love in our marriage. We've had to build.
Speaker 2:We've had to build this area has been huge for us, I'll say, and let me tell a little story. Let me tell you a little story. A few summers ago we had a one-and-a-half-year-old, edie, and I was pregnant with our son, liam, and I had taken my daughter on a trip to visit my grandma for her 90th birthday, I remember. And so I had taken a solo you know airplane trip to Colorado for a long weekend. And you know I mean anybody that has kids knows that traveling alone with a small child is not, it's not restful, it wasn't a vacation. It was a fantastic trip and it was worth it, but it wasn't a vacation, right? So I got home and we got.
Speaker 2:It was one of those later night flights. We got home and I put Edie to bed and I just, I remember laying down in bed that night, feeling such relief that I was home and I had a partner, cause I had just done like four or five days, no partner. And the next morning I woke up and Jay was gone. And I woke up to Edie crying mama, mama, you know. And I look over, jay's gone. I'm like, oh boy, wow, for the sixth day in a row, I'm going to go get our little girl up out of bed and I'm going to be here for her. In the morning I was pumped about having a partner my partner's nowhere in sight. Where did he go so?
Speaker 1:long story short, good for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, long story short, jay had gotten up so as not to miss his morning workout and had left the house early, early. And I was up with Edie in the morning and when, when you know, I'm sitting there feeding Edie, whatnot, and I can feel this thing brewing inside of me, I mean I'm angry, I'm angry, I'm like what in the actual world? So when he got home, I had had enough time to kind of like sort out my feelings and realize what I needed to communicate with him, which, when we actually ended up sitting down to communicate, I said to him, I said to Jay babe, I woke up this morning feeling so sad that you were gone. I had you know, I I took care of Edie by myself for the last five days. I was looking so forward to having my teammate with me this morning. But you were gone.
Speaker 2:And I said it'd be one thing if you had let me know that you were going to go work out or had even asked like hey, what do you think about me working out? But that you left at 6am without talking to me about it makes me feel like the default parent. And I said to him I gave this example, I painted a real clear picture. I was like can you imagine if, when you woke up at 6 am to Edie crying, I was gone, just had vanished, had left the house? No warning, no word.
Speaker 1:I'd call the cops?
Speaker 2:Yeah, jay would call the cops. I'm like there's actually no planet on which I would just leave the house without telling you and expect that you take care of our child in the morning. I don't want to feel like the default parent. And you know what? We had like a very great conversation after that and I remember you came back to me later that day and you said hey, I just want to let you know that was very helpful this morning. Like you painted that picture crystal clear. I got it Like we're going to work on this. You know I could see a target.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the truth is is that there's so much resentment that can come from one partner shouldering most of the load and this unspoken tension that can erode the sense of teamwork. But what it takes to reverse that is quite simple Like division of labor is real. We just have to actually agree on the division of labor. We actually need to create a plan for our teamwork model that works for us and it's going to be different for every couple, but it's not going to make me or you feel like the default parent if it's a system that we've agreed upon and if we understand each other's hearts in the midst of it.
Speaker 1:You know, I think you did a really great job early on in our marriage casting vision for what a partnership, what type of partnership you want to live in, and that really helped me. I could see that vision it was worth sacrificing for, and so I did things like set reminders in my phone and I mean all kinds of stuff to help me become a much better partner. I think people really have to do that. Yeah, it's good, it's going to grow.
Speaker 2:All right. So next question what if our marriage isn't what I thought it would be and it never will be?
Speaker 1:Hmm, that's a tough question for people.
Speaker 2:Unmet expectations can be very painful.
Speaker 1:They are. The truth is is that for most people, marriage isn't what they thought that it would be, because we have this very idealistic view of what marriage is going to be right. It's unending sexual fulfillment. It's the answer to my porn problem. It's the solution to my loneliness. It's the means to having children. Yeah, and the truth is is that marriage is an empty box. You can't pull anything out of it that you don't put into it. Marriage is literally a math equation. I said this yesterday to a couple. It's a math equation. It's Lauren plus Jason. I take all of you, I crack you open. I throw your skills, your tools, your presets, your past, your trauma, your, whatever your gift mix. I throw it into there. We throw mine into there and then we can only pull out what we've put into it.
Speaker 1:And of course, god sprinkles some grace on there and whatever, but marriage is me plus you. So if you want, if you're in a marriage where you're going gosh, gosh this is not what I thought it would be which I see people like that all the time. You have to build what you want marriage to be. Let's be honest Life isn't what we thought it would be.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Life isn't. I mean, if we look at your life and my life sexual addiction at a very young age, got married very young, went through a divorce, had a nervous breakdown. I had a miscarriage with my first wife, seven years of infertility with you miscarriage in there, your mom dies. I mean, life is bananas, life is crazy. So do we go oh my gosh, exit life. I want to leave life. Or do you go? How do I build a life that I love in the midst of hardship? Hardship can't dictate whether or not I love my life, unpredictability can't. So we have to again start to go. How do I do things in my marriage that make me feel proud of it? What are the things in my marriage that make it really painful?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What did I want marriage to be? And so for a lot of people, that's just working on you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's literally going. Is there something that I can grow? Is? There something I can change? Is there something I can address? Yeah, it could even be friend groups. Like man, marriage isn't what we thought it would be because we don't have any friends and so growing those friend groups. You know we've sacrificed a lot to build a really awesome marriage and so don't exit your marriage, don't jump out of your marriage. Add to your marriage.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know what is very sure about life the guarantee that we have in life is that we will be met with many unexpected challenges. So I mean, I'm even calling to mind people who, you know, get married, have a child or two, their wife contracts some sort of terminal illness. Well, boom, life is hard that went dark.
Speaker 2:I mean it did. But I'm like, or I am thinking of a friend who, this beautiful friend that I have who is chronically ill. She's been sick since she was 16 years old. She goes in and out of having good years and really hard years. And the thing is is that when our marriages aren't what they thought it would be, sometimes people like to fantasize about what life would be like if they had made a different choice. And I just always say it would be hard, your hard would be different. It would be hard, your hard would be different.
Speaker 2:There is no guarantee in life other than you will come up on unexpected challenges and unexpected joys, and so when we have the mindset that we get to build the marriage that we love with the person that we have chosen, then you really free yourself from the honestly, the haunting imagination of fantasizing about anything else.
Speaker 2:And, and I think what we have to do is, um, you know, part of it is actually talking through dreams and vision and desires that you have with your spouse and actually getting to a place where you know sometimes expectations go unmet because we've never communicated them. We just imagine what we think life should be like and we don't actually think about how to achieve the goal or how to move from point A to point B. But when we actually vocalize what our expectation is, or our hope or our dream, then you can actually take a lot of control over that often and build a plan from A to B. Um, so ultimately, yeah, I mean we have to find the things in life that we are powerful over and make sure that we are intentionally pouring into that box rather than just expecting it to be full of of joy.
Speaker 1:It's real Yep, being able to work on yourself, communicate what you need and grow the areas of your marriage that are painful.
Speaker 2:Can I say one more thing? Yeah, actually, nevermind, nevermind, I'll save it.
Speaker 2:Everyone's like oof, oof, I know I'll save it.
Speaker 2:Listen, we have one more question that we're gonna cover today, but before we do that, um, we want to take a moment and actually talk about. Hey, listen, if these questions are hitting home for you, if you're finding yourself in these stories and you're going like, yes, yes, this is how I feel, this is what I, this is what I think about when I'm in the shower by myself and I wonder what my life is about. Listen, we know that everybody wants to be in a marriage that they truly love and that they're truly proud of, and if you knew exactly how to get there, you would have already done it right. We want to be in awesome marriages where we feel like we're thriving, but we're usually not taught right Like it's not. You don't, usually you're not born with a skillset that helps you achieve, like, the most rock solid marriage. We have to learn these things, and it often requires input, and so one of our favorite things to do is to journey alongside couples in helping them build this marriage that they love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true, the best investment that you can give to your kids is a healthy marriage. The best investment that you can give towards your finances and your future is a really, really healthy marriage. It's what we're all really looking for, and so, you know, our six week marriage intensive starts with an assessment. The assessment's incredible because it gives you a real picture of where your marriage is at and then a way to actually start addressing those areas what we misdiagnose, we mistreat every single time and so many couples are stuck in pain, these cycles of pain.
Speaker 1:You've tried things like marriage counseling. You've tried reading books, you've tried personality tests, you've tried these other things, but if you haven't actually gone through and really taken a deep look at your marriage, how you're both experiencing it and then pinpoint accuracy on what you need to do in order to grow that area with other couples who are on that path with you.
Speaker 1:Man, it's the best way this really is the best way that I have seen the most breakthrough in marriages I've seen more breakthrough in marriage this year than I ever have in my life, and that is the God's honest truth.
Speaker 1:Yeah true, and it's really, really exciting because couples are, in a short amount of time, getting tools in a skillset that they haven't ever had, and so it's an awesome opportunity. The other thing that I'll say is I do lots and lots of counseling marriage counseling. I charge $250 for an appointment and our our marriage intensive is $500. So really, if you think about it, if you wanted to book two appointments with me, you actually, for our marriage intensive, you get six appointments with Lauren and I. You get all of our teachings plus weekly assignments and our cheat sheets.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So our conflict resolution cheat sheet. You get a cheat sheet for working through pain. We give you five steps on how to actually process all the way through pain and come into wholeness. We give you an emojis map cheat sheet which basically helps you to learn how to connect on a deep emotional level.
Speaker 1:A lot of men and women, but a lot of men have a very hard time finding their emotions. What does your wife want the most? An emotionally connected husband. That's also the secret to getting out of pornography and sexual sin and to build deeply fulfilling emotional connections. And so we give you the cheat sheet and a pathway to build that skillset and that tool set. And so you know, instead of paying $1,300, meeting with me for six weeks, the, you get everything for $500, which, honestly, is just a massive value. Um, while working with other couples and going through this with other couples, which is really cool because you get to hear their questions- we learn from each other.
Speaker 1:Interactive stuff in the classes as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Well, ultimately, if you're ready to go on this journey with us, and we won't be offering this live course again until the fall. So this is really your chance at starting the year off on the right foot in this department, and don't wait, go ahead and check out the show notes in the podcast here and you can sign up. We want to make these six weeks awesome and beautiful Jasonandlaurenvalatoncom. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Awesome.
Speaker 2:Last question, last question of the day. What if I'm the only one trying to fix our marriage?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I get this this is a.
Speaker 2:This is a. This is a haunting question.
Speaker 1:It really is Gosh. It sucks Um. To me, the key is to start working on yourself for starters.
Speaker 1:So do a great job working on yourself. Um, I've said this a lot. I've worked with a lot of individuals who were in a tough marriage and because you worked on yourself, you now have the tools and the skill set to hang in there and communicate in a way and set healthy boundaries that actually opened up the door for the other partner to come in. You're going to have to work on yourself anyways, so it's awesome if your spouse is in on it, but a lot of spouses, um, are in a lot of pain, uh, are afraid, and so if you come in, you learn how to communicate in a powerful way. You learn how to set healthy boundaries, um, in a powerful way. You learn how to own your own stuff. Man, it can really really turn the tide of a relationship. And so the other piece that I'll say is let's say that your spouse isn't willing to work on the marriage. Well, you're going to need a really helpful counselor to help you navigate what to do and that. So this is where I say you need a good counselor.
Speaker 1:You need a counselor that can hear where you're at, that can hear what's going on in your marriage and to create a strategy to help you to help you heal yourself, to help you um work on your marriage, to help you honestly begin to set some healthy boundaries of communication to get the other, the other partner involved.
Speaker 2:Yep, absolutely so super good guys.
Speaker 1:We really hope that these questions were helpful for you. Man, we have so many, so many. We won't do them all. We might, may do some more of these later on, but we really hope to see you in our marriage intensive. We'd love to run with you. We're super excited about that. Send this, send this podcast to someone that you think would really enjoy the podcast and need some help in the marriage as well. So, guys, have an incredible week. Bye.