Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
109. Q&A (Leaving and Cleaving, Communicating Intentions, Managing Emotions, Dating with Kids)
In this insightful Q&A session, the Vallottons tackle questions submitted by listeners pertaining to marriage and friendship.
Questions include:
1. When I really like someone I feel like I can't think straight anymore. When I’m around them and start to act differently, and I hate it. What's your advice on that?
2. What to do with a man who is confusing with his intentions even after asking for clarity. He's nice and respectful, but I'm still confused.
3. What does "leaving and cleaving" actually mean? And what does it practically look like?
4. When is the right time in dating to ask someone if they want kids?
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We're the valetins and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. We're excited to be with you guys.
Speaker 2:We are. We are your hosts, jason and Lauren, and we are spending time together doing one of our favorite things, which is recording these episodes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2:And one of our favorite types of episodes to record are our Q&As, because our questions come straight from you, our faithful listeners. So today we're going to dive in and answer, hopefully, four really great questions. I'm saying hopefully because you never know how long it's going to take us to unpack each one.
Speaker 1:We're going to be so great.
Speaker 2:We might get carried away, we might get like.
Speaker 1:Before we do this, though, I just want to tell everyone how proud I am of you. They don't know that, babe, you've been writing a book.
Speaker 2:I have. You've been in the process of writing a book and.
Speaker 1:I mean, you've just she's been up at 4.30 am so many mornings making outlines, refining and you're just doing awesome.
Speaker 2:Thanks.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:I'm excited.
Speaker 1:It's a reminder to everyone for me to go after those things, no matter how busy you are, that are really in your heart to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's true, I have my girlfriends to thank for pushing me over the edge. I also have my friend Havilah to do. Yeah, it's true, I have my girlfriends to thank for pushing me over the edge. I also have my friend Havilah to thank, who runs an author school, and, honestly, if it wasn't for her putting me on this train that she's built, I don't know that I could do it, but I'm really excited. If any of you listened to last week's episode, which was my message from the Bethel Church Prophetic Conference in February of 2025, my book is largely on those topics.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's going to be so great.
Speaker 2:I'm really excited.
Speaker 1:Well, anyways. Okay, now off to-.
Speaker 2:Back to you guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, off to tackle some questions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's do it. Okay, this first question. Somebody wrote in and I love it because we can all relate to it. A lot of us can relate to it. She wrote in and said she's single. When I really start to like somebody, I feel like I can't think straight. When I'm around them, I start acting differently. Sometimes I act weird. I hate it. What is your advice on that? I feel like I wish I could have everybody raise their hand if they've ever felt that way before. What do you think, babe? What are your first thoughts?
Speaker 1:I mean, part of it is just natural and normal, and I think that we have to be okay with what our body's doing it's. When you like somebody, you get that release of dopamine and adrenaline as well, and those two things make you not think normal.
Speaker 2:And listen. Some people are better at holding their liquor than others. Some people are better operating under the influence of chemicals in your brain.
Speaker 1:What I think a couple of things that will help is to change what you're focusing on. So you're asking the question, probably like oh my gosh, does he like me, is he going to like me, or?
Speaker 2:how do I impress him? Or I don't want to be dumb. I don't want to be dumb.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I think, just realizing, oh, I'm feeling the feelings of excitement and maybe a tiny bit of passion in there I need to shift my focus to. I wonder what he likes. I wonder, yeah, I wonder what is interesting to us. I wonder if I guess part of it for me is getting out of the just thinking about yourself.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:And getting into exploring like I don't. To be true, you don't even know if you like the relationship or not.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah. You just like how you feel you like the idea of somebody.
Speaker 1:So shifting your focus from yourself to focusing on, like, getting to know him, or having fun, or going and doing something and off of how do I feel, how do I look, am I enough? Am I not enough? Like all of that stuff to me is it's just going to drive you further into insecurity.
Speaker 2:Totally, totally. I don't know if you remember this or not you probably do but I am remembering right now, before we were dating, we had a mutual circle of friends and from time to time we would end up at the same social events or birthday parties or hangouts. And I remember when you specifically started engaging with me at those events and you were a great question asker and I noticed that I was like, wow, either he's I mean, he's obviously interested in me because he's asking me awesome questions and he's intentionally getting to know me. But does he do this with everybody, or is he just doing this with me, or is he you know well? But here's here's what it did for me was I went. Is he you know well? But here's here's what it did for me was I went.
Speaker 2:It felt really low risk because it always happened in a group of friends and and I you were genuinely just being a kind and inquisitive person I wasn't feeling like you were crossing a boundary, I didn't feel like you were treating me necessarily differently than anybody else around us, but it communicated intentionality, and so I think, if you're in a position where you really like someone and you're trying to get your focus off of yourself and your own insecurities.
Speaker 2:The best way to do that is to engage in and show interest in the other person. Because what happens when you start asking great questions and you get out of your head about it and you actually just engage, you let that person become a real person to you and you move from like an infatuation and this like chemistry that you feel or this nervousness that you feel, and you actually move into reality and you start hearing from them about themselves and you discover whether you're actually interested in them or not and if you are, once you have some interaction under your belt, your future interactions become less awkward and less scary and you become less insecure.
Speaker 2:I think it's all right as well to let yourself know.
Speaker 1:It's okay if somebody doesn't like me or feel the way feel as excited about the relationship at this point is is is I do Right, and being able to talk yourself through that piece will be helpful.
Speaker 2:So great advice, yeah, cool, okay. Good question, yeah, um, okay. What do I do with a man who is a bit confusing about his intentions, even after I've asked where we're at, but he's really respectful and nice.
Speaker 1:That's a really great question.
Speaker 2:It's a great question.
Speaker 1:You have to ask yourself I think okay, several things come into play here. Okay, the first one to me is I love dating advice, by the way. Yeah, the first one to me is so fun. How old is he?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Because to me, if you're talking about, if you're 40 years old, yes. And you're dating a 40-year-old guy or you're friends. Obviously you're friends with a 40-year-old guy or your friends.
Speaker 2:Obviously, you're friends with a 40-year-old guy. Whatever Friends with a 40-year-old guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're trying to.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You're building a relationship with him and to me, if he is having a really hard time he's very nice, but having a very hard time trying to figure out like I don, like you know he's not being decisive Right Then you have to ask yourself is this his whole life or is this just he? Yeah, he's having a hard time in the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you could either walk away, or you can ask more pointed questions, or you could decide that you're going to hang out for a tiny bit and see see what he does, and how he leads, yeah, and that's all dependent. So to me, those three options are all dependent upon. Well, what are your other options?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So if you feel like, man, I'm 22 years old and I've got a lot of options out there, then I'm probably not going to wait around for an indecisive person who's really nice, I'm probably going to be like yo. There's a lot of people in my age range.
Speaker 2:Right, call me back when you know what you're doing. Yeah.
Speaker 1:If I'm 30 years old, maybe even. The problem is, the older you get, the more challenging it can be to find people and to find someone. That's one way to think about it. At the same time, you shouldn't settle for anybody.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So my whole point in this is if you continue to bring clarity to someone, I guess if you continue to bring clarity or ask for clarity and a person can't give you clarity, at some point you have to walk away.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you can't do a relationship with someone who can never be decisive.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:At the same point. Sometimes I think, men, is this a guy?
Speaker 2:A girl wrote the question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think sometimes men have a hard time which, yeah, have a hard time being decisive and getting things moving, and so you might have to let him know, so you might have to have that conversation that says, hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you. I asked for some clarity and it just feels like I don't actually still know. Is that because Now you might have to ask a question? Is that because you don't know, or is that because you're having a hard time figuring out what you want?
Speaker 1:or having a hard time communicating where you're really at with me yeah. But the thing is to me, is it really depends on how clearly she asked the question and how long they've been dating.
Speaker 2:Sure. So, well, when I'm looking at the question, it was this guy's confusing about his intentions with me, even though I've asked for clarity. And so that makes me think of a couple of things, because I agree with everything you've said, but maybe a more nuanced answer no, it's true.
Speaker 2:I'm going okay. I love that you're looking for clarity on age, because I think that confusing intentions is a sign of maturity and immaturity. However, we can have areas of our life where we're immature even as we get older. We're always growing and we're always developing better and more upgraded tools right in our tool belt. So if he's 40 and you're feeling confused by his intentions, then I think a great question is in order. You have to ask the question which sounds like this person already did what are your intentions?
Speaker 2:This bit has been confusing to me. So you know, at 40, you would want to know that they have the ability to understand what you're saying and make an adjustment relatively quickly. A younger man who's just figuring out oh wow, when I behave like this, people are confused about my intentions. A younger man maybe you give them a little bit more grace. Going like oh, that's an age. Appropriate learning curve To figure out how to make sure your behavior and your intentions and your communication line up is a really important skill set in order to build a trust-filled foundation for your relationship. But if he's older, that's a bigger red flag because you really need to have developed a great skill set for communication and matching your communication and your intentions and your behavior when you're older, because that impacts every area of your life.
Speaker 1:You're right, I'm not looking at the questions. I missed the word intentions.
Speaker 2:I think that you're good to. I liked your first answer, though, because I think there's a spectrum of people's experience in here, and whether it's just you're looking for clarity or you're looking for your intention to match your behavior.
Speaker 1:These are two really important things. I was thinking that they were dating and she wasn't sure how, like if he was wanting to continue to move forward or not.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, both scenarios are going to be really applicable, but if we just head back to the confusing intentions, bit.
Speaker 1:I think that your answers is really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do too, but I would like for you to chime in on that. One other thing, just as you're thinking, if you're thinking, one other piece of it for me is it's okay if somebody's behavior and intentions are confusing for a minute, because sometimes it takes people to catch up to themselves, like, oh because, listen, their brain chemicals are turned on, they're exploring things. But ultimately, intentions that don't match your behavior are a sign that there's a lack of self-awareness and or self-control in the area of I have to manage how I feel and what I want and what I need. I have to manage my set of needs according to how to honor, respect and build trust with the other person. If somebody doesn't know how to get their needs met in a healthy way, they'll blow over a boundary in order to get what they need. So let's say the need is physical connection.
Speaker 2:Oh, this guy's really lovey on me. He's always like, whenever we're out with friends, he's always like giving me the side hug and pulling me in and I feel like he's being kind of intimate with me. But like we, I think we like each other but we haven't like really clarified the relationship yet. I'm confused if he's just being, if he's being lovey-dovey, or if he's being brotherly, I don't understand what's going on for him, like that is a classic scenario. Well, I would say there's a good chance that if that guy is not actually pursuing a relationship with you but he's being kind of lovey-dovey with you, he's getting a need met that he either is or isn't aware of, and that's a problem. We got to have clarity around that in order to have trust in the relationship. So, anyways, all of these I could talk about this for a while, because I think this realm of dating can be really confusing but, ladies and gentlemen, ultimately what we're looking for is a partner who knows how to build a foundation of trust, which includes clear communication that matches our behavioral intentions.
Speaker 1:Yes, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:That's the only way intentions.
Speaker 1:Yes, a hundred percent. That's the only way, and I always say, like if you are unclear on where you're headed, what's happening in the relationship, then don't go deeper into it Don't move forward.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there's clarity.
Speaker 1:Stay in the spot that you're at until you have real clarity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like that. Okay, next question.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, we're going to pop over into some marriage topic here we go. Leaving and cleaving. Somebody wrote in and asked what in the world does leaving and cleaving actually look like I'm newly married and what does that really mean?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's a great question.
Speaker 1:It is Do you have thoughts or do you want to go?
Speaker 2:Well, the first thing I want to say for reference sake is the concept of leaving and cleaving comes from Genesis, chapter two, and I think it's worth just reading this short little bit. Okay, there was no suitable helper for Adam, so God caused him to fall asleep and while he was sleeping he took one of the man's ribs, closed up the place with flesh, and then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man. The man said this is now bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. So in the scriptures, to leave means to untie and break, and to cleave means to stick like glue, which is cool.
Speaker 2:It is cool so what we're talking about here is a covenant.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when it comes to the covenant of your heart with your spouse, you can only have one of those, only one, that's true. So the concept of leaving is that the man would leave his father and mother and his family in order to covenant and unite as in stick like glue to his wife, and it's in that that they become one flesh.
Speaker 1:We've all seen relationships where maybe the woman is still too dependent upon her parents or her dad, which would look like the husband is feeling like she's having to get approval from her parents in order to make decisions together, in order to, you know, like he's bad, he's, he's has this internal battle with her parents and, honestly, so does she, or vice versa. Right, so the man is, you know, maybe maybe he's raised by a single mom and so he's having a hard time like uh, really separating himself from his mom and either taking care of his mom or being taken care of by his mom and really focusing on his wife. And so, to me, a lot of this comes inside of boundaries having really clear, healthy boundaries, where you are together really deciding what kind of culture do you want in your home? What kind of ecosystem are you building and creating an ecosystem of health together, nurturing that covenant.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is an interesting thing that I imagine when I think about this subject. Yeah, I think it's interesting. In scripture it says a man leaves his father and mother and unites to his wife. So I believe, we believe, that unless there's leaving and cleaving on both sides, you're going to have a really hard time in marriage. Ultimately, because to prioritize, like to leave and cleave means I am choosing this covenant relationship, which means I'm choosing to prioritize and protect this covenant above every other relationship I have. You can only have one of these covenants, so I think that it's important on both sides, like you've just described. However, I think it's really fascinating that in the Bible it says a man leaves his father and it says okay, I'm going to read this part again.
Speaker 2:The man said Adam said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. That is why a man leaves his father and mother. Okay, so think about this. This is kind of cool. So when a man is born, he's born of his mother. He comes out of his mother's body. Literally, when woman was created, she was taken out of Adam.
Speaker 1:Yeah, from a man.
Speaker 2:From a man. It says that is why a man leaves. So the covenant of husband and wife is somehow. So the covenant of husband and wife is somehow.
Speaker 1:It is superior to the covenant or the bond that a man would have with his mother.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's a supernatural thing that happens when two become one in the act of marriage, and I just think it's interesting that it would be highlighted that, because of how the woman comes from, out of the man, because of how God designed it, that covenant of marriage is superior.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think, practically, in order to practically build the oneness that is marriage, you have to prioritize your relationship with your spouse more than you're prioritizing your relationship with your family. So that's what you're protecting. That's why I think the boundaries and really creating the ecosystem that you want.
Speaker 2:To me, that's what it's talking about, I agree, and there's layers of intimacy within relationships. So your relationship with your wife or your husband becomes primary. It doesn't mean that you forsake all other relationships, as long as they actually protect your covenant with your spouse. Yeah, absolutely so. You will. Moving forward, you really only maintain and foster relationships in your life that you can have while still protecting your marriage, yep, that are adding value. Yeah, add value, good Cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, this next question is a little bit back to dating, but I like it because we're talking about the potential of blending a family here, which is a passion point of ours the potential of blending a family here, which is a passion point of ours. For anybody that's listening for the first time, a little bit about mine and Jason's story is we got married in 2011 and Jay had been previously married and had three children from his first marriage. The oldest was 12 and the youngest was six. So our story is, you know, our early years of marriage were spent blending a family and me becoming a step-mom. So this is a topic that hits close to home and we love equipping people with tools for this, because it's it can be really tricky.
Speaker 2:So, um, a sweet woman wrote in and said um, she's dating somebody. She met somebody on a dating app. They've been on a few dates. They've really enjoyed their time together. He has been married and has children who he has sole custody of. So she's considering, of course, like a future with this person would be a future of as a step-mom a hundred percent of the time, and she really wants children of her own.
Speaker 2:So her question is when's the right time in dating to ask somebody like this if they want more kids. She said and this is a two-part question. I think both parts are really interesting. The first one is I don't want to get intense too quickly, but having kids is something I'd love to do. If that's not something he's open to doing again, I want to know if I should still pursue this potential relationship. So that's the first part. The second part is if he says he doesn't want more kids, then I need to figure out how I feel about still getting to know him. In that context it's like she's not necessarily out to make it or break it, but she's realizing like, oh boy, this would be like a whole nother you know thing.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, what's our advice on how to navigate that? Yeah, so to me there's no perfect or right. No, if you've been dating for a couple of months, let's just you have to throw a number. They've been on a few dates, okay To me. I think that it the. I think that you have to give it a little bit. When I say a little bit, I'm saying I think you and I talked about it month one and a half or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was pretty early on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it also wasn't the first night.
Speaker 2:Nope.
Speaker 1:So to me it's probably not the first night conversation.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Hey, do you want to have more kids? Not really sure, because the reason why is no one really fully knows. No matter what your dream is, no. You don't fully know what you're willing and not willing to do, because that's all based upon, well, how old you are, what you feel like your opportunities are, how connected you are to somebody, because having babies is not a guarantee, even when.
Speaker 2:No, there's no guarantee, there's no guarantee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we know lots of people who they try to have kids and they can't have kids and they have to make decisions based upon that. So to me, that's where you really want to make sure that you like this person first, that you at least like going out on dates. They have the same, similar core values. There's not like major red flags, because the major red flags would take precedence over this question in my opinion. Once you figure out like I actually really enjoy him or her.
Speaker 1:Going out on dates is something that we both want to do more. Now. I have to make this, I have to, we have to at least start talking about this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not a lot at first, but I have to as I'm experiencing you more. This is still in my head. So that's where you asked me hey, this has been my childhood dream. Having children is not a guarantee, but I would want to try. And I said golly.
Speaker 2:You had actually already thought about it.
Speaker 1:I did because of my age. I was 28, 29.
Speaker 2:We were young.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and my dad basically was like how are you going to find a woman who is an awesome mom, who doesn't want to have more kids?
Speaker 2:Right At 20,. You know I was in my mid-20s yeah.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, that's a really good point. So I had a vasectomy.
Speaker 2:I just told you like, hey, Well, I already knew that about you you like hey, um well, I already knew that about you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I told you that I was interested in in having more kids. You were open to it. Yeah, I was open to it. Yeah, so that was enough for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's a good point, the point being spend time getting to know somebody because I could have written Jay off as a option and there would have walked the best option and there would have gone the best option ever. Well, the truth is is that we're kidding it was. Yeah, we're kidding. It was because I enjoyed him so much that. I was able to say. You know what? There are no guarantees in life and actually, as long as he's open, it's worth it for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Even though I knew that it could mean that having my own biological children would be harder than if I, or impossible.
Speaker 1:And boy was it.
Speaker 2:And boy was it. I mean, we didn't even know how challenging it would be.
Speaker 1:We- climbed and overcame a mountain of impossibilities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, yeah, so I agree. I think that the bottom line is you want to first decide, and the truth is, this applies in other areas of the relationship too. Like the first goal in a relationship is to see if you like somebody. Yeah, children. Before we really talked about what life as a blended family would look like, before he really even talked a ton about his kids or introduced me to them, we spent time making sure we liked each other. That's the primary thing. You only move forward in those conversations when you get to a spot where you're like I really want more of this. Like I really like him.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, one more question.
Speaker 2:All right. One more question is along the lines of hope deferred. This question came in after somebody listened to my message, which was last week's episode, and she said you know, I'm in my early thirties. I was dating a guy. I was 99% sure I wanted to marry him. He broke it off. It wasn't fully my decision. I'm heartbroken, but at my age I feel like I don't even have time to be heartbroken. You know, she's like I'm my number one dream in life is to have a family. And I feel like here I am in the middle of, like my heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Um, and you know, her question is how do you actually move forward and trust God? Like, what do we? What do I actually do?
Speaker 1:Well, she should read your book.
Speaker 2:That's what I told her. I said don't worry, I have a lot of thoughts, the book is coming. Share your thoughts, babe. Well, I have. I mean truly, truly. I have a lot of thoughts.
Speaker 1:I think that You're like primed and ready for this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a lot of tension between believing in faith for something and wrestling with the reality that we're not in control of making it happen. So, whether it's, you know, a future spouse or children, or even a healing, like people who are sick or, um, have some sort of physical need, and it's like how do I stay in a place of faith and hope? Because I know who God is and I know he's good and I believe that he loves and cares for me and I believe that these desires were placed in me by him. But dot, dot, dot. Also. Life is crazy. I look around and I can see not everybody gets what they want and people's you know dreams sometimes do die and you know the reality is I can't make this happen and I think that every single human gets to that point at some time in their life over one issue or another, because it is the wrestle of faith and it is the reality of being human in a world that is not perfect, and I think that one of the most important transitions to make. So this is an oversimplification. Hence I'm writing a book, because there's a lot to say on the subject.
Speaker 2:The oversimplification is the journey that each of us are on is a journey to embracing this reality that my hope is in the nature of God, over the thing that I desire coming to pass. The thing that I desire coming to pass and the truth is is that if we surrender to the nature of God, god with a deep conviction over who he is and his unchangingness, then we get to a place eventually, on this journey of going, that he put this desire in me. Whether or not the desire comes to pass, the way that I hope it does or not, doesn't change the fact that he put it inside of me and that he is good. Now the tricky part and where we get hung up is like if he put the desire for marriage inside of me but I become somebody that never gets married. Did he actually put it inside of me? And and was he faithful and true or not? And the truth is is I'm only 39 years old and so there's a lot left to discover in life. But where I, where my convictions lie, is that there are, there are a lot of dreams and desires that we have that we're not in charge of how they get fulfilled. Now I also believe that because he wired us and I'll share this testimony he wired us a certain way for a certain reason.
Speaker 2:So I'm like, girl, if I'm talking to this person face-to-face, I'm going oh girl, borrow my hope. I have so much hope for you that you're going to find an amazing man. It might not come when you want it to come. It might not come how you think it's going to come, but I see like a 1% chance of you not getting married. You know, because there is the 1% chance, I mean it's in, it's in scripture, it's in. We know not everything comes to pass the way we want. But, for example, my very best friend on the entire planet. She and I are two days apart in age. She's two days older than me and for the last 14 years, babe, since you and I have been married, we have been praying that she would find her husband.
Speaker 2:And she has walked through an incredibly tough season of incredibly tough couple of decades of hope deferred and wondering if this desire and dream is actually going to be fulfilled or not and out of the clear blue, you know, after a season of deep surrender which I'm not going to tell her story for her, but I just know that surrender often comes with. You know, surrender is often a precursor to incredible breakthrough, and I think that her story, like many others, we see that out of the clear blue, when things looked impossible for a long time, she met her absolute match and we just got to participate in their wedding just one month ago and to watch that dream fulfilled. Now we're almost 40 years old and he has four kids, and there's a whole lot about her story that she couldn't have foreseen, but God did it and actually today in hindsight being 2020, she's beyond happy that this is how it went.
Speaker 2:And so I say that, to say we just don't know how our dreams are going to come to pass. We just don't know how our dreams are going to come to pass. No-transcript.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to give my two cents here, really quick.
Speaker 2:Because that was long Sorry.
Speaker 1:No, it's great. People don't have time to not mourn.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good, you don't have time Say it again, yeah.
Speaker 1:People don't have time to not mourn. There's not, it's not like you must mourn. You must mourn. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:If you don't take a season of time and mourn through this loss of relationship, this loss of a dream with him, the frustration that this isn't working for you, then you carry all of that in, all of that anxiety, all of that pain into every single day that you're alive and awake. What mourning does is it helps you reshift, it helps you reframe, it helps you put things into perspective, grab onto hope, let go of despair. So mourning is the process. It is a massive part of the process that you want to go through Now. We've talked a lot in this podcast before about how to work through pain. We've talked about mourning and I think, just going back and listening to that, get some books on mourning. I mean, google it. Whatever. Andrew Huberman has a great episode on morning. If you look, andrew Huberman and morning is a really great episode on morning.
Speaker 1:Yeah that I that I watched. So do that. My other piece that I want to add is to me, the refining is more important than the arriving in life. Say that again Refining is more important than the arriving in life Say that again, refining is more important than arriving.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Because you have to realize that you're constantly going to be refined. You're never going to arrive at one spot.
Speaker 2:That's true.
Speaker 1:People who thought kids were their like. Kids are my biggest dream. You're going to get kids and then you're going to have another dream.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then you're going to get that other dream and you're going to have another dream when you were 20 years old, you said, man, if I could just do this For me it was if I could just have sex, if I could just have sex. You know, I'm 17, 16 years old. I'm like that's all I want in my entire life, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Well, a 16-year-old, I mean, I just feel like normal. And then you do that. I want to do this other thing, the refining, becoming who God has called you to be is more important than arriving at one place. One dream, one thing.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:The other thing that's really important for us not even just her is aiming is more important than obtaining. So having a goal that you're aiming at is both a mourning process and a hope-filled process, but it's a good process for us. When you're aiming at something, there's a bit of pain because you have this desire. It is desire unfulfilled. So everybody who's aiming at something is both excited and in pain. Because I'm excited about pursuing this thing, but I'm also in the wrestle.
Speaker 1:The tension of not having it. Every single person on this planet knows what it's like to be in your shoes.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Not the exact same aim, but in your shoes. When we stop aiming, we stop driving ourselves towards the things that God's called us to. So when I stop aiming at whatever becoming a husband, becoming a father, becoming a businessman because it's just too painful, I don't know that I'm ever going to have a successful business. I've had two that failed. Then now I'm obtaining, I'm staying in the spot and I'm just keeping the things that I have and I don't want to risk. That's a story of the.
Speaker 2:That's the parable of the talents.
Speaker 1:Right Is, I've obtained this thing. And God looks at that and goes wicked, lazy servant.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:Holy smokes.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:As opposed to. I took a risk. I aimed, I kept pushing Yep, I kept pursuing it and all of a sudden, so you're never going to stop. This process that she's going through is the process that all of us are going through. She just has it in one category. I have this right now in our finances. Honestly, we are on the edge of fluctuation.
Speaker 2:We're aiming.
Speaker 1:Constantly and I'm going to continue to aim. What I'm not going to do is sell everything that I have and live in a cardboard box and go. I'm tired of that financial struggle. I know that God has called us to hire.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:I know that he's called us to be prosperous. I know that he has a plan for my life. I know that he's called us to be prosperous. I know that he has a plan for my life. I know that I'm becoming so.
Speaker 2:I have to keep pressing towards that you're going to do a great job helping me write this book awesome y'all.
Speaker 1:I hope that you enjoyed this listen. We have a Patreon group if you want to become somebody that helps to support us, to get this message out, if you care about what we're doing, if you're going, if you're listening to this and go gosh man, this is really helping me, Chances are it's helping a lot of people. Join our Patreon group If you want to be part of the team donate five bucks a month or 10 bucks a month.
Speaker 2:That helps us out so much Helps us keep making great content for sure it really does, and moving the ball forward y'all.
Speaker 1:I hope that you guys have continued to dream. Push forward, walk towards hope this week. That's maybe your challenge. Absolutely. What's the thing that you're backing off from that? You need to keep moving forward on All right guys, have a great week.