Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
115. Q&A (Dating with Kids, Conflict in Marriage, Divorce, Newborn Season Tips, Emotional Needs in Marriage)
In this vulnerable and practical Q&A episode, Jason and Lauren tackle some of your most heartfelt questions—from dating dynamics and stepparenting to conflict in marriage and unmet emotional needs.
With their trademark honesty and experience, they unpack the real stuff of relationships: fear, longing, love, and how to keep showing up even when it’s hard.
In this episode, the Vallottons respond to questions like:
- “How do I take dating slow while discerning if I can handle marrying someone with kids?”
- “Why do I shut down in conflict, and how do I stay present when fear hits?”
- “I’m walking through divorce and financial fallout—what now?”
- “Any tips for surviving the newborn season… with our marriage still intact?”
- “What do I do with my unmet desire for intimacy, pursuit, and emotional connection in marriage?”
From practical tools to spiritual insight, this episode is full of compassionate, grounded advice for anyone trying to navigate love in a complicated world.
Whether you’re in the trenches of parenting, learning to love through pain, or just trying to figure out what’s next—this one’s for you.
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We're the valetins and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. We're happy to be with you.
Speaker 2:We sure are. Happy Wednesday, everybody. We are excited to enjoy a Q&A episode today. We're going to dive into some juicy questions that our faithful listeners have sent in over the last six or so weeks. So shall we dive in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's get it.
Speaker 2:All right, the first question I really appreciate, because we have been in this exact position before. I have, I should say. But the question is how do you balance taking dating slow and really trying to get to know the person, while also figuring out if marrying somebody with kids is what you really want to do and what you really can handle?
Speaker 1:I have a thought right away.
Speaker 2:Go ahead.
Speaker 1:And then I think you can add a bunch.
Speaker 2:I have plenty of thoughts too.
Speaker 1:My thought is, your first goal is to find out if you actually enjoy the person and if they enjoy you. Yeah, and because you can't even think about the kids if you don't actually enjoy the person, right? So one of the things that we did quite a bit was we just spent time together alone and answered the question yes, I really enjoy you and you really enjoy me, and it's going well, it's fun. We have the same core values, we have some of the same likes, we can have deep discussions and conversations and we can have a lot of fun together.
Speaker 2:From there, we have to see how you handle pressure and if you want kids in your life, and so that's where we started to kind of add yeah, yeah, you know, um, taking on the responsibility of being a parental figure in a child's life that you did not birth is no small consideration, and I, yes, it is. You know you have to think about yourself. You also have to think about the kids you have to think about. I mean, you would do these kids a major disservice if you didn't actually like, really really want to do this. So you know, that in mind, it's very sobering to think about and to consider that reality.
Speaker 2:A few things that helped me come to conclusion about that was number one was number one I had to assess where Jason was at as a dad and what his connection was like with his kids and whether I trusted where he was at with them. Because the thing is is that coming in to build connection and build trust and build a relationship and build a family with children is one thing for you. If that's not already intact in a way that you respect and that you admire and that you really love in your boyfriend or girlfriend, then it will be. It will feel near impossible for you. So I wouldn't actually touch it with a 10 foot pole unless the biological parent in this, in the dating dynamic, has a really strong, vibrant, beautiful connection with their kids that you can build on, that you can actually build off of Um. So that would be a huge consideration.
Speaker 2:A lot of times when there's been divorce involved, or if somebody has, you know, if somebody has been widowed, there's a lot of pain involved and those kids, understandably, are going to be in tons of pain. So you want to really have eyes wide open about where they're at in their healing journey, where they're, um, you know, living. I think this this question came in from somebody who, uh, had been widowed, so I think that you want to kind of really assess that they're healing in that.
Speaker 1:Um, to me, the one of the main factors here is, I think they're asking about how to take it slow and like that's an emphasis for them, you can go really slow if, especially if you just focus on each other first and make sure that you really really enjoy each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:And then when you're, when you're starting to meet the kids, I think what's important is to set the right expectation. So whoever has the kids to really do a great job at setting the right expectation for the kids, depending upon the age.
Speaker 1:So, we're just getting to know each other, we're just having fun, they're going to come to a soccer game and to not put so much pressure on this might be someone that I marry this might, but you know what I'm saying. So, like I think too much pressure on this might be someone that I marry this might, but you know what I'm saying. So, like I think too much pressure gets added when especially if you're one of the things that we did too, is we didn't, we didn't kiss, um, until we actually figured out that you really could, could spend time with the kids and could, uh, really enjoyed me, and so that took a lot of the pressure off of like, wow, we need to, like things are heating up between us. Uh, physically, we're having a hard time physically and so, like now you need to really figure out. So I think, going slow physically, going slow emotionally, um, not not setting such a high expectation with the kids that they're putting tons of pressure on it. That way you can move at a realistic pace that you don't hate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think. The second half of the question, though, is while also figuring out if marrying someone with kids is what you want and what you can handle.
Speaker 2:So when you're dating somebody with kids, you cannot put that out of the equation. It is not something you can ignore, it's going to be in your face. So I agree Obviously decide first and foremost if you even like each other. Don't worry about the kid factor unless you know for certain you want to be in a relationship with each other. Don't worry about the kid factor unless you know for certain you want to be in a relationship with each other. Once you're at that point assuming you get to that point yes, take it slow, because there's a lot to consider.
Speaker 2:And I think when you're asking the question, how do you figure out if you actually want this or if you can handle it? I think assessing the levels of healing is a huge important factor. I think you know, do you really love and respect the way that the biological parent is parenting the kids? Because you're not going to come in and rewrite a whole culture of parenting. You have to really be on board. You have to feel great about how it's already being done and then I think you start to assess like how naturally and how well am I able to build connection with the kids?
Speaker 2:Now again, go slow in friendship. The soccer games are great, the play time at the park is great. Those are good first steps, but then, ultimately, you'll have to feel out like am I able to build connection with these kids in a way that feels good and sustainable? Do I see if? Do I actually want to do? This Is a really valid question. I think a lot of people don't. Um, it's easy to get wrapped up into the romanticism of what a dating relationship can be and feel like and even the idea of building family together. There is a real beautiful. There's a beautiful redemptive quality. There's a story there that is compelling, but where the rubber meets the road, like do you really want to do that is a very valid question that I think that I think people should, should actually like give a ton of weight to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, spending a little bit of time. So that's one of the things that you did. Watching the kids yourself is, I think, as you, as it goes deeper, to make sure that, again, what does it feel like when you're carrying, you know, some of the burden of the kids?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have. We have some other episodes specifically on, like um, dating after divorce, which obviously, if this is not a divorce scenario, it's a little bit different if you're if one, if the biological mother or father has died but still very similar in considering how to navigate blending a family, yeah, in a dating season. So, um, that's a episode nine. Actually that was one of our first episodes, so find on that. Yeah, so I'll link it in the show notes if it's helpful. But but, yeah, great question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, I'll ask this one. Somebody sent it to me and I paraphrase it a little bit. We fight a lot. I usually shut down instead of taking responsibility, but when I lay down my right to defend myself and meet her with humility.
Speaker 1:Everything shifts, which is great. She feels, heard something her distant father never gave her and the tension fades. But inside I'm flooded with fear and anxiety. I want to run, sometimes even disappear. Still, I love her and she loves me. When I stay present I feel strong, like a man, but most days I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I can understand that yeah, absolutely a lot yeah, um, it would, I think.
Speaker 1:Going back to we, we like we have this idea, people have this idea that I'm going to lay down my life for you and therefore I'm not going to say anything about where I'm at, I'm just going to silently suffer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, laying down my life equals silently suffering.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what laying down your life often looks like for people is avoidance. Avoiding conflict is avoidance, avoiding conflict. And so I would say to this man you can do both. You can take responsibility for the areas that you've messed up and you can learn how to communicate in a way that brings connection and builds connection. For starters and we've talked about this a lot on here but just since we're throwing out tips, how you start a conversation will decide how it ends, with 80% accuracy. So if I start by saying, whenever I share my needs, whenever I have something going on inside of me, it always turns back to where I have to apologize.
Speaker 2:I'm tired of doing that.
Speaker 1:I hate walking on eggshells around you. Now we're already in a fight. You haven walking on eggshells around you, now we're already in a fight. You haven't even said anything and I know that we're in a fight. If I start in and I say to you hey, I have something, um, I have something that I want to talk about and it's actually really important and meaningful to me, because I want to build deep connection with you and I don't want to hold inside. Is it okay if we find some time today?
Speaker 1:that I can share and maybe hear your perspective on it as well. All of a sudden we I'm coming to you as a person that's going to care about me. I'm presenting that, okay. The other piece with this is learning how to send the I messages and we give a whole conflict resolution cheat sheet where I'm learning how to just talk about me and you are the listener and when I'm the communicator and I just talk about me. So I start really good and then I say I'm noticing, I'm feeling really afraid, I have a lot of anxiety. Yesterday when we came home I felt like you were really short with me when I did.
Speaker 1:X, y and Z and it really hurt my feelings. I guess I just want to feel cared for.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I set you up to have the conversation in a way that isn't going to lead to more conflict. You're actually going to be able to hear me, so I would say don't walk on eggshells. That's the conversation to have. I love you so much. There's your opening line. I love you so much. You are the most important woman in my life and I want you to feel so close and so cared for by me. I realize that I don't know how to do conflict well, and it's causing me so much anxiety and so much fear. Would you, would you partner with me? I would love for you to partner with me and to grow in this area of our relationship so that we can go deeper, so that we don't have to hide our feelings or shut them down. Doing that is going to lead to so much more connection, because here's the thing is conflict is the barrier to deep connection right.
Speaker 1:If you don't know how to do conflict, then it becomes the limiting factor to connection. If you know how to do conflict, then it becomes the limiting factor to connection. If you know how to do conflict resolution really well, then conflict's no problem. It becomes a catalyst to connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely the only thing else I would say and maybe this is just a summary point, because I agree with everything that you just said I think that laying your life down inside of your marriage often actually looks like setting the standard for something in your marriage Totally does.
Speaker 2:And you don't set a standard for something by coming in and laying down the law and going this is what we're going to do, but you set a standard by modeling the standard, and that's what Jay just described how to do. So you lay your life down, not by avoiding but by actually leaning in and modeling a way for communication and connection.
Speaker 1:Such a great point.
Speaker 2:And it's in that way you open the door for your wife as an invitation to like hey, let's do it like this.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Now, you're not going to do that unless you feel like you know what you're doing.
Speaker 2:So, study up, you know like that's what he's saying Like, listen to the other podcast episodes on communication or connection and do a great job learning how to do it well, but yeah, you don't lay your life down by avoiding, so great Okay. But yeah, you don't lay your life down by avoiding, no, so great Okay. The third question I'll read it out, but I'm wondering if maybe you have some initial thoughts on this. This is a guy who wrote in and said I'm walking through a divorce trying to help my kids. Now I'm facing a bunch of that financial hammer that happens.
Speaker 2:And do you have advice for me as I walk through this Obviously tough scenario? Relatable, sadly common.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, part of why he's bringing this up is because I did a reel the other day where I was talking about what does divorce actually solve, because people get divorces for all kinds of reasons with this rosy idea that, okay, I'm going to be out of pain, it's going to like I got to stop the pain in my life.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And my marriage is hurting so bad that I need to exit. And then, when I exit, I'm finally going to get a bunch of relief. And what they don't calculate is the mental, the emotional, the spiritual, the physical, the financial hammer.
Speaker 2:The weight.
Speaker 1:The weight.
Speaker 2:The reality of divorce.
Speaker 1:Yes, and listen if you're about to go through it like there's grace for you, whatever. I'm not like trying to say doomsday. I'm saying divorce is not a solution.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not a great solution, not a great solution, there's always. You're going to trade one kind of pain for another.
Speaker 1:And there's always like people are going to write me and go well, what if a woman's being abused, yeah, or what if a man's being abused, or duh, I mean for sure?
Speaker 2:Yeah, sometimes you have to do it, but it doesn't mean that it's great.
Speaker 1:So I think I'm in this stage of my life Lauren's in this stage of her life, where we're watching a lot of people get divorces because their marriage is inconvenient.
Speaker 2:Yeah or it's not fun, or you wish it was different, or you realize I only have one life to live and I'd hate this one. Yeah, so fix the marriage agreement. Those are all real things.
Speaker 1:But for this guy, obviously he's going through a divorce which, golly, my heart goes out to you, and this isn't the end of your life.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:And now it's about making great choices. What can you sacrifice today to set yourself up for a year from now? So you really start thinking through that. You really do Get out of your mind Okay, I need to go date, I need to find somebody else. I need to get, get that out of your mind. In fact, don't even date for a year, don't even think about dating for a year. Start to buckle down, because now you have to change your life right. You can't live at the same standard of living that you were because your income split in half, your time split in half, your life is split in half. So now you have to start going back to okay, what can I control and what can't I control, what can I do and what can I not do? So right, and then pull on your community. When I got a divorce, I acquired, um, uh, $30,000, and what was it? Taxes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, irs debt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, irs debt and it sucked. I mean, the first book that I wrote, all the money went to pay off the taxes and I drove an older car and I didn't eat the same food that I wanted to eat. I mean, everything was different. I lived my life on a budget. But here's the thing it's a great part of your life to go back and to start going. Okay, how am I going to get powerful over whatever area my finances, my emotional health, my spiritual health and really dig in. I'm going to sacrifice.
Speaker 1:Today I ended up having my parents come and help me with my finances. I'm not great in that area, so they helped to set me up. I had a lady come over and, honestly, she helped me shop. I didn't do that kind of stuff, so, like she helped me figure out, like how to shop and meals and all that stuff and laundry. I didn't know how to do laundry at first, which sounds really pathetic.
Speaker 1:It's just kind of how I mean we've talked about it before in here, but to me it's you're going to work really, really, really hard for a year, year and a half, getting your life back in order. This isn't the time to go binge. So a lot of guys mess themselves up because they go and they spend a whole bunch of money trying to ease the pain and it's like no buckle down. Think about a year and a half from now. Where do you want to be at physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, with your kids, with your life? Maybe go listen to some Dave Ramsey.
Speaker 1:I mean, maybe you have to like, but ultimately, but ultimately, this is a time to live on a budget. It's a time to to uh, if you only have the kids, you know, 50% of the time you have 50% more time than you had before. So maybe you have to get creative in a side hustle so that you can bring in more income and and get through it. Those are all things that I did, all things that a lot of people have to do in order to get back on your feet. If you delay dating, if you delay running out there and spending gobs of money to make yourself feel better, instead just actually really work through the pain Again, you can go back and listen to some podcast episodes on how to process pain. You'll save yourself so much time, effort, energy and money. The last thing that you want to do is go around this mountain twice.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because you didn't clean up the emotional, mental, spiritual and then got yourself in a bunch of financial debt.
Speaker 2:Can you just really quickly tell the Mini Cooper story as an example of why you don't make crazy big decisions in this season?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's such an embarrassing story but it's so embarrassing I had this old honda pilot. I think it was like 2000, no, I think, oh, no, I didn't know sorry, I had this old minivan. That's what I had. I had this minivan that was just trashed it had been stolen before. Yeah yeah, all the electronics ripped out of it and so I really needed another vehicle. My parents were going to help me a little bit and get a vehicle and I just one day I was like, oh my gosh, I know what vehicle I want.
Speaker 1:I remember going and telling my dad and my friends like I want to get a Mini Cooper. They're so cool. I'm 28 years old, circa 2000.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what seven no, uh, not eight 2008. I was like I want to get a Mini Cooper, they're so cool. And my dad finally was like son, you don't want a Mini Cooper. I was like, yeah, dad, they're so awesome, he's like you can't even hardly fit all the kids in there plus all their stuff. Like they're so awesome. He's like you can't even hardly fit all the kids in there Plus all their stuff. Like they're so small. And then you wouldn't be able to bring one friend. Like they couldn't bring one friend over.
Speaker 2:I was like oh yeah, the single dad of three kids in the middle of his divorce decides that he thinks he should get a Mini Cooper. I'm going to go buy a Ferrari.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so funny, you know, like I wanted to have fun with the kids and this is a stupid pipe dream. What I realized after, like a year later, I was like I don't even like Mini Coopers. Like to this day, if you have a Mini Cooper, cool and that's your thing. I don't even like Mini Coopers. Today, when your head's all messed up from divorce, lots of things are going to seem really tempting.
Speaker 1:A lot of things going to seem really tempting, a lot of things. You're going to want to change your life in nine different ways and when you get out of that season, man, you're going to be so thankful that you didn't go make a bunch of big decisions because you're going to have so many different things. That just feels fun and exciting in the moment, but it's not really who you were and who you are.
Speaker 2:So make some great decisions, y'all yeah, so true.
Speaker 1:Hopefully that's, helpful.
Speaker 2:All right. Question number four Could you give tips on how to do the newborn season? Well, this is our third child, so you'd think we would have it together. Ha yeah, but newborn season is really hard on our marriage, even though we have an amazing marriage, oh man. Okay. Well, we've only done the newborn season together twice, but I do kind of feel like as a team, we've kind of crushed it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Honestly, it's a season I'm proud of. We've lived a few lifetimes together and I'm actually really proud of how we have navigated our newborn seasons both times and there's absolutely, I think, some things that really help. One of the things that comes to my mind right away is just dialing in what teamwork is going to look like from the get-go. Teamwork is going to look like from the get go, like when you have, if you talk through ahead of time with your spouse how you're going to handle the changes that you know come with a newborn season. So, number one, you just know that baby's going to be up and eating every hour and a half to two hours for the first few weeks and then it might stretch a little bit. But basically you're looking at is naps. You only nap. You don't sleep at night like you used to. You just take naps 24-7.
Speaker 1:Life is going from one nap to the next?
Speaker 2:Yeah, one nap to the next. So, inside of that dynamic, how are you going to care for the other children? What help do you need ahead of time? Are there systems you want to set up in advance to mitigate some of the stress that comes with only taking naps and not sleeping at night? Do you want, you know, getting creative, like, do you want to pump one bottle of milk in the day so that at night your spouse can do one of the feeds? Do you want you know? So it's coming up with a routine that's going to change every couple of weeks for the first few months, but a couple weeks at a time. What's a routine that's going to work for you? And we cannot possibly give you all the plans because every dynamic is different. Sometimes you don't get time off, work like other people, do all the things. But inside of whatever your dynamic is, whatever your template looks like, what do you want to plan ahead of time to help with some of the things you know are coming down the pipe?
Speaker 1:I think that this is where couples really need a shared calendar. And if you have because if you don't have a shared calendar then the woman's going to be the default and her carrying that default. Even if he can't help a whole bunch that shared calendar lets him know what's happening and where the baby's at.
Speaker 2:Because if he can't, if he not just the baby, but the other kids. That's my everything, the whole household, everything.
Speaker 1:So if he comes home for lunch, it's so helpful to know that, oh, the baby takes a nap right in this season from here to here and the other kids need to go from here to here, and the other kids need to go from here to here. And it takes a lot of that confusion away. And so you'd be surprised how many couples don't share a calendar or don't have any shared calendar.
Speaker 1:There's so many details with three kids, there is so many, and so being able to predict you want life to become more and more and more and more predictable, the the crazier and the more unpredictable it is. And so I think that that having that shared calendar all set up before the baby comes and being on that routine like you're talking about, is massive.
Speaker 2:I know for sure that if we were heading into a third newborn season, um, I know a couple of things I would do ahead of time. I would look at what's on our plate and I would get rid of as many things as possible. I would trim and I would tell myself that for a quarter, for one quarter of the year, we are going to come down to the bare bones of things. We have to be at, commitments we have to make, trips we have to take. I like things to be simple in a newborn season. I would, ahead of time, I would allot some budget, like, if you have any budget for this, I would even rearrange budget items to account for a little bit of help. So when your husband has to go back to work, I would have two hours of babysitting time budgeted that you can. Either the other two children can be taken care of and you can just do it with the baby, or vice versa, you somebody can be with the baby while you spend time with your other children, or you can go run some errands or whatever you need to do. I would, I would figure that out like an hour or two here or there, just for a little bit of buffer, I would um talk ahead of time about meal train and meal prep and all of those things. I would simplify expectations when it comes to um, you know maybe some of the things that had been normal for you. Maybe you just simplify your expectations in a few different areas for a couple of months.
Speaker 2:I think that success in newborn season often comes down to expectations, and when you expect yourself to keep up pace, both connection-wise and practically in your home, if you think you're going to keep pace before, the same pace as when, before the baby was born, you're, you're both going to be disappointed. So even things like, okay, we're going to have a conversation, we're not going to have sex for a couple of months, we know that ahead of time. So we're going to just make a plan for connection inside of realistic expectations, so that when we get into a spot where we feel disconnected, we can go hey, no problem, we already knew this was coming. Here's what we're going to do to connect. It's not going to look like it did before the baby was here.
Speaker 2:But here's the other part is like when you have these conversations ahead of time and when you set yourself up a little bit with some healthy, realistic expectations and some good systems. Then, when you're in the middle of it and it feels no fun and it feels hard and disconnecting, you're not totally thrown off because you know this is just a season. This is just a season, we can do anything for a short time. And, uh, I think most people find themselves in a real pickle just because they go into it without having really really thought through and planned out some things ahead of time, and then it just feels no fun and then it feels hopeless and daunting and you forget that it isn't going to actually last forever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2:Oh that newborn phase, oh, I kind of love it, though it's like it's so intense and also so sacred and precious. I just love it.
Speaker 1:It is. This will be our last question.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:How do I meet my need for deep intimacy being pursued, feeling cherished and captivating, while my husband is not yet able to meet me in these ways? Can I give some context to this?
Speaker 2:one. Okay. So the context is important. It'll be relatable to other things and other people, but I do want to say okay. So this person wrote in and they've had a really challenging marriage. Uh, their husband has struggled with some addiction. She's gone on a big healing journey he hasn't really and so she's finding herself lonely in marriage and she's had and I'm going to say these things cause I do feel like other people have heard these things too Right, so she's gone to counselors and mentors and friends for advice.
Speaker 2:And some people say you know, we're always going to have a longing. This side of heaven, right, like you're, you can't. Nothing's going to be perfect. So you know your marriage might not be awesome. Well, this side of heaven, nothing's perfect. And then other people are like you know, he needs deliverance or whatever. Other people are like you just need to cultivate deep female friendships. There's nothing you can do about that If you're not getting it in your marriage. You need some friendships. But you know, ultimately she's finding herself still feeling so lonely. I think I also remember her saying that she's all she's already tried, like sewing in a ton. You know, uh, knowing that if she sews in, there's going to be whatever. It's a tough dynamic. So ultimately we're talking about feeling really lonely in a marriage where you feel like you're working on you but you can't control your spouse to work on them and your needs just aren't getting met.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Ouch so painful so painful and so hard.
Speaker 1:So this is where I would highly recommend not walking through this decision alone and because, for instance, if I worked with, if she was was my client, which I'm not saying she should be anything like that. I have clients like this and it's really helpful to know the full dynamic so that I can start to help give her a strategy on what it looks like to set healthy boundaries and I just did this for a couple recently.
Speaker 1:He didn't really want to work on the marriage. She had gone years and years and years of working on herself. She's in tons and tons of pain, and so now I was helping her communicate to him hey, the way that our marriage is right here, I love you, I want a healthy marriage. I'm at a spot where I I can't keep doing this, so I need you to show up in the relationship, which would look like you know, I want to feel loved and cared for and cherished by you. And then she keeps ramping that statement up while also setting boundaries. So because she's in pain, right, so it's back to um, I'm not sure what you're gonna do, but I know what I'm gonna do um statement. So, anyways, long story short, you have to be able to. You have to. It's really helpful to have someone on the outside that is coaching you and how to send the message and how and where to set the boundaries.
Speaker 1:Because, ultimately, to live in a relationship where you just get ignored, to live in a marriage where you get ignored, to live in a marriage where there is no connection, to live in a marriage where you are I mean, what's the opposite of nurtured and cherished and right. It's just a life of pain is not a great plan. So you also don't have to just run out and leave somebody. So there's a lot of options in between that. My favorite one is really brave, honest communication in a way that isn't cutting while also setting some really strong boundaries. So everything from he's pursuing sexually and she would go honestly I love you, I want a great sex life with you. I don't actually want to engage in sex if there's no emotional pursuit. I feel like a prostitute in the relationship and it actually hurts me. So you're sending a message to him that says I want this, I want a healthy sex life. I can't do it like this. It's a violation of me and my own value system.
Speaker 1:If you want to partner with me in helping to heal this part of our life. I would really love to do that with you. You're not withholding in order to manipulate, You're setting really healthy boundaries. So to me it's a lot of that.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of you're sending the message and at some point he may not decide to contribute in the relationship. He might need to go somewhere else. If he doesn't want to contribute to a marriage, that's not your choice, that would be his choice, or vice versa. So, anyways, here's what I'm saying. This is really complicated and really challenging. And where do you draw the line between separating from somebody and just hanging in? There is a very fine line.
Speaker 1:It's hard and, I think, over a podcast. I'm not like super comfortable with going. Here's where that line is that living in a very disconnected, very painful, where someone's unwilling to go and work on themselves but they're causing pain in the relationship, it's really best done with somebody who you trust a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Anything you want to add Um, it's, it's. It's wild, the grace that you find, when somebody is actually doing some work, oh yeah. So you know, ultimately I think you're looking for little bits of better and you're looking for somebody to take ownership. And so you know, practicing communicating messages, like I feel really lonely, I feel really sad, I feel disconnected, but I really want to feel connected. I wonder what marriage would feel like if we were really connected. Can we explore a plan together, Because I would love to feel that with you? And then you know their response to that, their either ownership of their part of the equation or their willingness to go and pursue some help. Those would be, you know, sue, some help. Those would be, you know, game changers.
Speaker 2:So somebody that's been in that amount of pain or dysfunction for a long time it's not going to get better overnight, it's not going to. You know, he's not going to respond great the first time or the 10th time to a good boundary or, you know, some powerful communication. Those things are going to take time and it sounds like you're aware of that. You know, whoever read this in is aware of that and has been, you know, experimenting with that to some degree.
Speaker 2:But I just want to encourage, like a lot can be done with a little effort and a big ground can be made, made even in a short amount of time, if there's like an ownership and a willingness. So anyway, stick, stick in there. But I do agree that when you've come to the end of your knowing like how to, how to do this, then I think it's time to actually pull in some outside help and invite some, some wisdom and some counsel into that area of your life to figure out next steps. Yeah, ultimately, how to communicate, how to set great boundaries, those kinds of things. So, yeah, good question.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Well, everyone, thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. We really hope that you enjoyed it. For those of you who don't know, I have a BraveCo conference coming up, so if there's some ladies out there, who have a husband or a son, husband and son. Honestly, our BraveCo conference is incredible.
Speaker 1:It's absolutely amazing. We do it so much different than probably any other men's conference. All the guys are in teams with leaders and co-leaders, so your husband won't just go there and sit wherever. We do a rite of passage for young men 12 to 18 years old. It's a 3.1-mile Tough Mudder course. It's honestly one of the most incredible moments for a father-son, or even just a son. There's lots of sons that come without dads and we put them in the group with mentors and coaches to help them connect. We do massive team challenges and competitions. Michael Koulianos will be our special guest speaker this year. My dad's speaking, cole Zick's speaking, greg Hendricks myself. It's Bethel Church.
Speaker 1:So June 11th through the 13th is when it is, we can just put a link in there, but I would really really, really love for you guys to check it out. Come hang out at a conference, get transformed. Thanks, guys. So much for listening to our podcast. We will see you next week.