Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
We’re the Vallottons, and we’re passionate about people! Every human was created for fulfilling connections in relationship and family, but it’s not always what comes easiest! We know this because of our wide range of personal experiences as well as years of working with people. So we’re going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
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Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons
128. The Long Game: Raising Children with Vision for Adulthood
In this episode of Dates, Mates, and Babies with the Vallottons, Jason and Lauren share wisdom from their unique experience raising both adult children and toddlers. Drawing from years of hands-on parenting, they dive into the intentional strategies that shape children into healthy, resilient adults—especially in a world that's vastly different from the one they grew up in.
Topics covered include:
- Why the goal is raising adults, not just managing children
- The importance of skills like delayed gratification, perseverance, and planning
- How to build family identity through phrases like “Vallottons tell the truth” and “Vallottons are helpers”
- Why today’s parenting landscape is nothing like past generations—and what to do about it
- How to establish healthy boundaries: what decisions your child makes on their own vs. with your input
- A new way to view trust: as a developmental process, not just a reflection of character
- Why certain "non-negotiables" (like music or swim lessons) are actually gifts you give your child
- Creating rhythms and structure while your kids are still moldable—because character is built early
Whether you're in the toddler trenches or navigating teenage independence, this conversation offers practical tools and timeless vision for parenting with the end in mind.
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We're the Valetans and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.
Speaker 2:But that's not always what comes easiest.
Speaker 1:We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Ballotons. It's great to be with you.
Speaker 2:It sure is. Happy Wednesday everybody. We're excited about our conversation today. We're going to just kind of dive right in, but this conversation was inspired by a dinner conversation we had with a group of our best friends the other night. Uh, we were sitting around the dinner table while our kids were running around playing and swimming, and a bunch of our closest friends have kids who are in that, uh, preteen phase. Some of them have teenagers already, but a lot of them are in like the 10, preteen phase. Some of them have teenagers already, but a lot of them are in like the 10, 11, 12, you know range. And they're getting pretty serious about coming up with parenting strategies for the preteen teenage years. They're just on the cusp of like those really interesting junior high school years.
Speaker 2:And obviously Jason and I are in this unique situation where we've actually done that before. We've been those parents before. We've been in the thick of junior high and high school, and now we're, and now we have a five-year-old and a three-year-old, so we're, you know, it's their turn.
Speaker 1:And we have adult kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have adult kids now, but it's our friend's turn now to have teenagers, and so we had this awesome conversation at dinner where we were all kind of just chiming in our thoughts and opinions on raising teenagers in 2025 and what that's like and how do we, as parents, do a really good job of that and, in particular, what does it look like to prioritize connection and also have great boundaries and also lead your children with intentionality and teach them what they need to know about life in these really formative years that are also full of hormones and emotions?
Speaker 2:And you know, it's just, it's a lot, it can be a lot. So we had a great conversation and we just thought it would be fun to kind of unpack a few of our takeaways here on the podcast today and that Jay and I would have the opportunity to share with you guys our listeners kind of some of our thoughts and even how we're thinking about leading a season to come again for our five and three-old, after having done it once before with our adult children. So, anyways, it should be an exciting conversation. We'll see where we go.
Speaker 1:Well, I think a couple of things that we have to realize is the world that we grew up in as kids is a totally different world than today in almost every aspect. I mean I used to ride my bike into town while my parents were at work um, pretty much five miles in Weaverville, I mean, at a young, young age, and we had so much freedom to ride around town and go to friends' houses and that world doesn't really exist anymore.
Speaker 2:It depends on where you live, but largely very different right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's super different on where you live, but largely very different, right. Yeah, it's super different and with the um just onslaught of social media and the internet, the world is different. What kids are into?
Speaker 2:what they're exposed to what they're exposed to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the the trend. What was trendy in Weaverville, California was, was not really in 1990? Yeah, it wasn't super influenced by the rest of the world no it was heavily influenced by weaver community, the culture, your surroundings.
Speaker 2:You're in the mountains you have a small town you're.
Speaker 1:Everybody knows each other yeah, yeah, so different, yeah, so honestly largely the same for me.
Speaker 2:My, the town I grew up in, was much bigger than weaverville. It was very it was like we weren't being influenced by what was happening in another city. We were just living in the context and culture of our town.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it was largely safe and predictable. And I mean, we couldn't be raising children in a more different world?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I mean having to get to do it over again, like we. I just feel so thankful to have done it once and be able to look back and go. What are the things that I would change?
Speaker 1:What would I do the same and where, like I always wanted to raise you know good kids good as kids as you possibly can, but I didn't have this idea when I was raising my first set of kids that like I'm not just trying to not get my kids to do bad things, like I want my kids to behave like you guys need to behave, you know, and.
Speaker 1:But I now have this view of I want to raise really great adults who have vision for their life, who have purpose, who have an internal structure built into them that has come intentionally by us pouring into them and because I think if I'm not careful, I will look at all the dangers and all the bad things going on in the world and just be like I got to keep them from doing all that stuff.
Speaker 1:Right, keep them away, yeah From yeah, Instead of thinking like how do I, for instance, if we had a big business, I would be thinking how do I raise up my kids to then take over this business if they wanted to? Not that they would have to, but I would be training them to do that Right, Intentionally, and so I just I have this mindset now being 45.
Speaker 2:Right, let's pause there and say I think the difference is that when you had our oldest son, Elijah, you were 18, 18 years old. So your ability even you were not an adult, no so the your ability to think about raising successful adults.
Speaker 2:You didn't even yet know what successful adult looked like, other than what you witnessed your parents do so I think largely what we're talking about is a very normal like it would be very normal that when you're raising children you're looking at what's immediately in front of you. It's actually quite difficult to forecast out to an age that you are not yet you know and try to figure out like I'm not even 25. But I want to be thinking about how do I raise a great 25 year old kid? That's hard to do when you're 18, 19, 20.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So now we're in this like slightly. We're in this like weird advantage, where we've done it before. Also, we're in our forties with a three-year-old and a five-year-old, so let this be a help to any of you listening that are like 25 years old with your first baby and you don't even yet know what you're like at 30, much less your children right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So all the things that I mean. I don't know all the things, but just when I go through my, just in my head just spitballing, I don't have them all written down, but a lot of the things that make for a great adult are things like delayed gratification.
Speaker 1:So perseverance, you know you have to somehow give your kids the advantage of learning how much it pays off to delay instant gratification. Make a plan, you know, uh, invest money or save, invest time and energy. Not look just what I can get today, but what I can, what I could do if I invest so in to the future. Um, I would say, in a lot of ways, my parents did a good job at this kind of stuff. I mean even the way that they talked about business with me, um, and with the kids.
Speaker 1:We were always, I mean, we always talked about business and church. And then I think some of the things that they did really good which we'll do is we went on. We didn't go on vacations when I was a kid, which is something my parents are changing now. They didn't have any money, they just didn't grow up with vacations, but we did go to Mexico every single year, to Tijuana, Rancho de Sus, Ninos, and so we really got to serve and pour in there every year and we got to see what happened when we came last year and worked and how they're using it and the next year and how they're using it, and so you had this pride of like.
Speaker 1:I poured into that, I built into that, I sewed into that. But I think, even going beyond that, you know, for us, with Edie and Liam, I want to make sure, and our grandbabies I want to make sure that we're intentionally thinking through okay, I want our kids to know how to persevere, kids to know how to persevere. I want them, I want to build these skill sets and these mindsets, these attributes, inside of our kids while they're very, very moldable and they don't have massive, big, huge opinions and attitudes and how do I, how do we go in and create rhythms and structures?
Speaker 1:For instance, again, going to Mexico wasn't something that we got asked to do. It's something that we did. It was, that was what we did every year, whether you really wanted to or not. It's kind of what our community did. And working at my dad's shop wasn't something that we got asked if we wanted to do. It was what we did. And I literally remember my dad telling me me you can learn how to make things fun. You can learn how to make fun.
Speaker 1:I remember being being angry having to clean all the brake dust off of the rotors that were being turned and the machine shop. The machine shop was mine. I had to clean it up and I that's where I learned how to sing. I just would sing in the machine shop and make it fun. Because I didn't even have a disc man at the time.
Speaker 1:But it was those values that started to really mold me into who I am Again, giving our kids places where it's part of our routine. Church was a place that we went, but it's also a place that we served, and it was very much expected of me and my sisters that we were going to go and serve. We were going to be a part of the team and people were counting on us.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:So I really think like we need a lot like your. Our kids need a lifetime of this is what we do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, I wrote some things down that I would say, over the years we have recognized these would be some of the major qualities of successful adults that we would want to somehow be intentional in shaping in our kids. So you mentioned one delayed gratification and the ability to persevere. I would say the ability to take ownership, um, the ability to plan, prioritize and execute.
Speaker 1:the ability to make a plan and meet goals.
Speaker 2:The ability to take input and get great wisdom from the outside. I would say the ability to create community and, op and like, operate inside of community. The ability to process pain in healthy ways. The ability to take care of your community and the less fortunate stewardship of what you have. Gratitude and self-awareness in the sense of play to your strengths with confidence and then invite covering for your weaknesses. That's not an exhaustive list, but I feel like that's a great like if you were to create a profile of, like a healthy, thriving adult. They have those qualities typically.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you can keep expanding upon it. I think the big thing is for parents to really sit down and to go. What kind of adults are we raising? Yeah, and then what are the attributes, the virtues, the values that we need to instill in them? And then how are we going to go about doing that, year by year by year? What are some decisions that we're going to make this year for our kids that will set them up for success in that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, along those lines. So that takes a lot of vision. It requires the parent to have vision for where you're leading your children. In order to do that. What's amazing about creating vision? For you know, I'm raising a three-year-old to become a man who is like dot dot dot.
Speaker 2:If you have the ability to cast vision in that way, then you work backwards and you figure out what kind of things do we prioritize? Backwards and you figure out what kind of things do we prioritize, what kind of time do we carve out, what kind of conversations do we have? What are the phrases in our home?
Speaker 2:that we use that support those goals. And so I'll say this there's like a hindsight lesson that I feel like I've learned after we graduated our three oldest kids from high school. And you know that's a wild moment, right. Like you raise children, they get through high school, they graduate. There's some sense of relief that comes with knowing like I definitely did my best, like we didn't hit all the marks, we didn't do it perfectly by any stretch, but we definitely tried our best. And and now they're you know, they're 18. They've got to figure some of this out on their own. Now we're going to figure out how to have adult children and do that Well.
Speaker 2:Well, I distinctly remember when our oldest graduated high school, we were driving away from his school, from his graduation, and we looked at each other and we really we both felt like a weight was lifted off of our chest. You remember that we were driving down to shoots road and we looked at each other and we were like, oh my gosh, Wow, we did it, he did it, we did it. Oh my gosh, we're relieved. And then, shortly after, he had an interesting summer that year where I remember him having a conversation with me, with me, where he was like mom, some of the things that felt really important six months ago don't even matter anymore and I was like, yeah, tell me more about that. And I can't remember the specifics of the conversation, but it was cool. It was like within a very short amount of time he went right in his 18 year old self, almost 19 out of high school, thinking about the future, planning for adulthood. To some degree, he's like nothing that was important in high school matters Now. Social stuff gone, pressures gone, expectations of what we do on a Friday night at the football game gone, like all the things that mattered so much in high school that either caused drama or trauma or pain or excitement, even, and fun. It was all different now that you're in the quote real world. And it was a great lesson for me because I would say I kept that in mind as we saw our next two children through high school, but even more for me to think about how to lead our little kids through this next grade school season of their lives. What it does for me is it's a reminder where I go like, okay, keep in mind that after they're finished with school they're actually in the real world or we could be so intentional with their childhood, that they get to be in the real world the whole time.
Speaker 2:And if we have that mindset of like no, no, we're starting at five, we know we're raising a girl who knows how to take ownership of her problems. She knows how to plan, prioritize and execute a plan she can think about the less fortunate she can. You know all the things that you want your adult kids to be able to do, which are are now adult. Kids are great at some of those things. By the grace of god, I don't have to worry so much about what I'm going to quote let Edie do when she's in high school, because we've already decided what is a waste of time, what is not worth it. Of course she's going to make mistakes. Of course she's going to try things. Of course she's going to take our advice sometimes and not others.
Speaker 2:But largely, largely, the real world is going to teach my kids plenty of real life lessons without me having to go and exposing them to certain things unnecessarily and actually, if we have a ton of vision when they're little for where we're trying to lead them, when I get into a moment with her when she's 14 years old and she wants to do something that I know I don't feel great about, or she wants to hang out with a group of friends that I know I don't feel great about.
Speaker 2:I'm not having to make certain decisions in the moment because I already decided, we already have a vision, we are already filling our family culture time with vision and purpose, so I can easily recognize the things that would be distraction. I can easily recognize the things that would be derailing or unsafe or not worth it, because I know the real world is coming for her and, at the end of the day, that social drama that she's tempted to get mixed up in, I'm actually not going to let her do that Because I know it's not going to be helpful. She doesn't need that. She doesn't need that to learn that lesson. That's silly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true, you know. I think what's important is that, as a family, that you have a culture that says this is what it means to be a valet. This is what we do this is part of who we are, and several times this last week it's been really funny. I haven't even told you this. Edie has said dad valetins tell the truth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's because I tell her that all the time. If you tell me that you're going, to do something.
Speaker 1:you always do it and I'm like, yeah, babe, valetins, tell the truth. And we have these, we have these little things that we teach her and tell her and instill in her.
Speaker 2:We tell her all the time valetins, dot dot dot. So I'll say to her you know we'll talk about she'll see somebody on the street, like she'll see somebody homeless or whatever, and she'll ask questions why don't they have a home? Why don't they? And then she asks you know, can we? What do we do? Well, do you think we should help? Valetins are helpers, is what I'll tell her. What does it look like to help somebody today?
Speaker 1:could we?
Speaker 2:valetins help or valetins tell the truth. Valetins work hard. That's one of the things we tell her all the time. Valetins work hard, we work hard, Edie. And so she'll say like she'll come up with her own. Valetins are, you know, loving? Valetins are creative, but she's actually creating an identity for herself and a sense of belonging. She's creating an identity for herself and a sense of belonging. And she knows what we deem healthy and she knows what creates in a good way she knows what creates a sense of belonging and acceptance in our family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've started to teach her at a young age again what it means to be a valet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we've started to teach her at a young age again what it means to be a valet, and I just think that that's so important that we create a value system in them, attached to an identity.
Speaker 1:Some of the biggest regrets that I have I mean looking back on my older kids is there's always this challenge that parents face and we're going to face it too, and we still do face it is you want to, you're always trying to make connection. The most important thing, and also my first job, isn't to be my kid's best friend, it's to be their protector, their provider, their promoter. I'm there to first guide them in the way that they should go, which means that they're not always gonna be happy with me, and there were some decisions when I look back, specifically around dating, that I, if I could do it over again, I would do it over again, and I think I set my kids up for failure in some ways by allowing them to decide who they were going to date without a bunch of input from me. And, specifically, I don't want to uncover any of our kids, but I just want to give examples, because they actually all did a pretty stinking good job yeah, I just want to give examples.
Speaker 1:but, yeah, like I knew that some of our kids dated other kids that I wasn't super excited about, yeah, and instead of talking it through with them and going like I know that you're gonna be angry and frustrated at me, I also have to help you make decisions that I actually don't trust you to make on your own.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot of decisions and for me, I think the big distinction is there's a lot of decisions that I want my kids to make. I want them to fail, Like it's Jordan Peterson's thing, Like let your kids do dangerous, non-lethal things you know dangerous thing. They have to learn danger and and I can't just bubble wrap my kids.
Speaker 2:What creates resilience and confidence, even?
Speaker 1:And know that they can get up from a mess up, but there's other areas in their life that I just I know that building a bond with someone else, becoming super attached, um, the mistakes that you make inside of dating are so painful as a child, as a kid, yeah, yeah. That having more input. So I wish that I would have drawn harder lines around how we did that dating season Now.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that I won't let our kids date, because I actually don't think that's the solution, but I do think creating an expectation. As they grow older, what decisions do they get to make on their own? And what decisions do we get to make on their own? And what decisions do we get to make together?
Speaker 2:I also think, yeah, together that's good. What decisions are you free to make by yourself? Versus what decisions do we always, valetins, make these kinds of decisions together?
Speaker 1:I think that's good, because part of what I think I unintentionally maybe I don't know created this thing that like with our kids, like if we don't trust you, that's a really bad thing. That's commentary on you. I don't know that. I even told them that. I just think that that was well, let me just finish. Yeah, that was just what was not even communicated from us, just assumed from them. It's like it's bad if your parents don't trust you in a certain area, and the truth is is like I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't trust you to drive my car when you're 15 without me in it, and I don't trust you to be on the internet unsupervised for unending amounts of time, and I don't trust you to because you shouldn't be able to make those decisions on your own. It's unrealistic, and all those other parents who are letting their kids do all that stuff, that those aren't kids that I typically really enjoy being around and their lives aren't better for it. And so it. It's not necessarily even about our kids and the decisions they made. It's more about like I think I want to really be intentional about creating the right expectation for our kids and what and what is.
Speaker 1:Because I also think that the world's telling our kids like you're old, it's normal to do X, Y and Z, and I'm going. I don't want you to do what every other kid's doing, and my dad and mom did a great job in different areas of going. We're not the Johnsons, we're not the Harpers, Because I'd say Brian could do it and he'd tell me all the time well, I'm not Bill.
Speaker 2:Mom's not Benny.
Speaker 1:We'm not, you know, mom's not Benny, we're not the Johnsons. But I think it would be much, much better, as our kids are growing up, as we're talking about dating, as we're talking about freedoms, as we're talking about phones, when they're really young, that we start creating the right kind of expectations. For sure so that we've talked about it for a long time, not just when they're in that mode.
Speaker 2:I absolutely agree and that actually makes me think um, you know, we with our older kids and I actually think this is still super good but we trust was a commodity that we used. Trust was a way of exchanging inside of connection. So it would be common for us to have said in our home trust is what allows freedom. So the more I trust you, the more freedom you have. And I think, even as you were just talking, I'm like, trust is a little more nuanced in the sense of like, um, if I don't trust you in a certain area, it doesn't mean you've done something bad.
Speaker 2:No there's a lot of areas I don't yet trust Edie. I don't trust Edie to walk from our house to your parents' house yet, not because she's bad, but because she's five and it's not safe. Um, you know I don't trust Liam to use a steak knife right now. He can have a butter knife and even then I'm a little nervous not because he's bad, but because he's three, you know.
Speaker 2:And so I think, um, it's great for us to use the language trust leads to like, as you get older, the more we trust each other, the more connected you are, the more freedom you have. But you don't get to decide what freedom is, and actually there's areas where I'm not going to trust you. Maybe trust it Like I'm like Holy Spirit, give us another word. Is there another word besides trust? I don't know. I just I'm thinking like we need it to be more nuanced. It can't be a blanket statement. It's not like I either trust you with everything or I trust you with nothing.
Speaker 1:Well, there, I think that there's freedoms, uh in life, that that come as you graduate into different seasons yeah, exactly and in order, and it's also healthy to not make every decision on your own and and to need help in some of these. You know bigger, major decisions. So, anyways, you know the the biggest thing for me in in raising our kids a second time is raising them with a really good plan.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because if you raise them with a plan, a future plan, yeah, they have their. You know, our kids have challenges every day. They have challenges and I'm not trying to get this, get this talking back to go away today. I'm trying to shape and mold my kids for the future.
Speaker 1:So I'm addressing it with that in mind, and when we start to realize like, okay, I've got 15 years with ED, or 14 years to really throw in and instill. We've talked a lot about giving them skills uh sorry, giving them gifts as well. So for us, uh, music is going to be a non-negotiable for our kids, the same way that we put them in swim lessons for three years. They didn't get a choice. They cried.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do swim lessons in the summer. You scream the whole time. We still do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we do some lessons in the summer. You scream the whole time. We still do it. Yeah, we do it. We're going to do the same thing with music. We just think it's such a gift that we'll probably do three years of music. And listen if they don't want to do it after that. We're not going to force them forever, but there's some gifts that we want to give yeah.
Speaker 2:Talent, skills and talents to hone yeah.
Speaker 1:That we want to give our kids at a young age and invest in them, and if that takes them somewhere, if they want to continue to use that, you know, as they start to get older and they realize, okay, you know there's other choices that we can have, that's great. But I think, as a parent, how do I look at my child? Edie is so musical and Liam loves music too, and so those are places where we're kind of partnering with.
Speaker 2:God and and adding those things. So anyways, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Hopefully some of this conversation helps you guys.
Speaker 2:so much more to talk about, probably. Yeah, absolutely, but it's a fun chat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anyways, I hope you guys have an incredible week. If you enjoyed this podcast, please share it with a friend, especially a friend that has kids, and if you haven't already gone on to Spotify or wherever, and subscribe to our podcast. But also leave a comment. Let us know what you think about the podcast. It helps get the news out. We'd appreciate it. Love you guys.
Speaker 2:Have a great week.