Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons

132. What We Think About Separation in Marriage

• Jason and Lauren Vallotton

Share episode

What do you do when staying in your marriage feels unsafe, but separation feels like it might be the end of everything you hoped for? Separation is one of the most raw and tender topics couples face—and for many, it carries fear, shame, and deep confusion.

In this episode, pastors and coaches Jason and Lauren Vallotton respond to two courageous listener questions about separation in marriage. With compassion and faith-filled honesty, they explore how to discern when separation is a protective step, what questions to ask in the midst of uncertainty, and how to hold covenant and safety together without feeling trapped by either.

They discuss:

  • Why separation does not equal failure—and how it can be a tool for safety and clarity.
  • The key questions to ask when considering reconciliation: Is there sustained change? Is safety being rebuilt? Am I experiencing peace or manipulation?
  • How to navigate the tension between covenant and crisis, especially when abuse or repeated betrayal is present.
  • Why God values safety and mental health as much as marriage covenant.
  • The importance of community, accountability, and long-term fruit when walking through separation.
  • Practical pathways forward, whether toward reconciliation or a different future, always anchored in hope and healing.

Jason and Lauren remind listeners that separation is not the end of the story. If you’re walking through a season of uncertainty or pain in your marriage, this episode will bring perspective, permission, and pastoral care.

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Marriage Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

Connect with Lauren:
Instagram
Facebook
Connect with Jason:
Jay’s Instagram
Jay’s Facebook
BraveCo Instagram
www.braveco.org


Speaker 2:

We're the Valetans and we are passionate about people.

Speaker 1:

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

Speaker 2:

But that's not always what comes easiest.

Speaker 1:

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.

Speaker 2:

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

Speaker 1:

Guys, welcome to the show. What do you do when staying in your marriage feels unsafe, but separation feels like it might be the end of everything that you've hoped for? Obviously, this is a really tough place for everybody that's ever faced this, and unfortunately, so many married couples end up in the spot where you've been married for whatever an extended period of time, there's a crisis that happens, or an ongoing crisis that never ends. It could be financial. It never ends, right, could be financial.

Speaker 1:

For a lot of people it would be something like pornography or an affair or addiction, even abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse right when you end up in this relationship that feels so unsafe or so harmful, or just so wearing, just constantly wearing. And how do you? How do you move forward? Right, like, how do you? What do you do if you can't seem to find breakthrough the way that you're currently going? How do you do a separation? Well, that doesn't end in divorce. I know so many couples that are so afraid to take that step of separation rightly so and also couples who have gotten a separation and completely saved their marriage because of it, and I've worked with both couples before, both sides of the aisle of when do you actually step into that bravely and face it, and and why should you not? And so we had a couple of listeners who sent us in questions and we and we just thought, man, we should really address the topic of separation and kind of hit it on the nose and really help as many people as we can.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So we had a couple of listeners write in in slightly different circumstances, so it could be helpful just to kind of set a stage for us to talk about this topic today. So the first listener wrote my husband and I have been separated for almost a year because of unsafe patterns. He's made some improvements, but I'm afraid of being manipulated again. I don't want our marriage to end, but I can't return unless real change has happened. What questions should I ask myself to find clarity and peace in making this decision? Great question. The second listener wrote in and said I've never supported divorce, but my husband's been arrested twice for domestic assault and I've had to separate again while pregnant with our third child. Covenant matters deeply to me, but my mental health is declining and my therapists believe my panic attacks are tied to this marriage. How do I reconcile my commitment to covenant with the reality that staying may be harming me and my children?

Speaker 1:

Gosh, I mean Ouch Two really really relatable experiences.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean heartbreaking, obviously heartbreaking stories. You don't ever want your marriage to get into a spot like this. And probably the second one's less common than the first in the sense of, obviously, domestic abuse is a really, really huge issue. I mean, that's an understatement, um, but but yeah, people find themselves in these situations. I think if I were to kind of like overarchingly categorize these, I'd go okay, there's one category of people who are either separated or considering separation because they're have they have unreconcilable issues in their marriage and they don't want to divorce.

Speaker 2:

But what they're doing currently is not working, or they've been separated and you're asking yourself that great question like, actually I need to take another step. It's been a year. This woman said it's been a year. I know I need to decide what we're doing, moving forward. I actually don't know how to make that decision. So that's one category. The other category is this more extreme situation where there's something happening that is physically, mentally, emotionally unsafe. Um, there's abuse happening and they're terrified of taking a step towards separation, uh, sorry, towards divorce, um, in their current separation, not knowing how to take this next step. So you know, related but varying on the scale of intensity.

Speaker 1:

I would say I mean, let's just talk through, uh, what separation is and what it's not. So for me, for starters, like separation doesn't mean failure, and I think removing that from the equation is really helpful. Yeah, I don't think separation is a first option.

Speaker 2:

No.

Speaker 1:

For me it's not like hey, you know.

Speaker 2:

Times are tough.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, times are tough. You should go get a separation.

Speaker 2:

No.

Speaker 1:

Because the challenge that people have right is when you step into a separation, that distance sometimes can be a catalyst to not working on the challenges not working on the problems anymore, and our goal becomes safety and peace instead of. How do we build a connected marriage?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and you know what? I've heard you say this before and it's not going to be a perfect quote, so feel free to correct me. But I've heard you talk about how separation is often not done well and does often lead to divorce, because inside of separation it's actually really hard to work on your connection when you're separated.

Speaker 2:

So I would be willing to say and this is just kind of blanket statement, that separation is almost necessary in circumstances like our second listener's question where there's been abuse involved, the children are not safe you know one spouse is unsafe or there's like addiction that is creating a volatile atmosphere in your home and the one you know, the addict, is unwilling to get help or incapable of making change. Those are circumstances where separation is actually probably required and you, with help, can figure out how to rebuild back towards connection.

Speaker 1:

But can I interject there? Well, just can I paint these two things, and then you can like add into both of them.

Speaker 2:

So I would say, when we're talking about uh, communication breakdown, bad habits in your conflict resolution skills, an unhappy sex life, things that are very basic like those are painful, very painful, can cause tons of disconnection, very painful in a marriage. If those are big cyclical issues, separation is probably not your best tool in the bag.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's going to create because, creating Because creating deep, intimate connection, which you're already lacking by being further apart, unless there's something going on that requires, like, a medical attention or, you know, a detox program or something that makes separation make sense. So, yeah, I mean what I've heard you talk about, after coaching marriages for a long time and being a pastor for a long time, is that you know separation is not one of those things that you just reach for and go like I'm tired of this, let's let's part ways for a minute, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So there's a difference between we need some new tools like we both need some new tools to help us move past this place, or we need some accountability in our marriage to move past this really tough place and this really painful place in our marriage. And I'm living in a world where there's a personal, a physical, mental, emotional threat.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And for safety sake, but also where trust is continually broken, like the threat of my children being harmed or continual again, emotional, mental, physical and the person that you're living with is uncapable of managing themselves. Well, I to. In order to actually protect any connection, I have to create some sort of distance with uh, often with some type of structure and agreement.

Speaker 2:

Definitely.

Speaker 1:

Right, and so that's really what we're talking about in um in. One of those is I think is the second one is you have a woman who's being mentally, physically, mentally, emotionally, you know, harmed? And I think neither of us would say oh, she should just stick that out.

Speaker 2:

You just need to Welcome through it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you need some better boundaries. Yeah, I think there that separation.

Speaker 2:

Is the boundary.

Speaker 1:

Yeah is going. Hey, I don't trust you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

This doesn't feel safe. Yeah, is going. Hey, I don't trust you. Yeah, this doesn't feel safe. Yeah, most importantly, I have to protect our child.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And so inside of this it becomes the question is I don't know what you're going to do. I know what I'm going to do Because inside of a marriage or any relationship, you can only control yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, marriage or any relationship. You can only control yourself. So when you start setting boundaries in order to protect connection, it's. It's not like I would say, babe, if you, if you were the abuser which you're not, but if you were, I wouldn't say you need to go do X, y and Z, your life's crazy. I would say I'm not going to do this anymore. Right, like I'm not sure what you're going to do, but I'm not going to do this anymore. Right, like I'm not sure what you're going to do, but I'm not going to do this. I can't do this right here. It's really your responsibility in your job to to start that immense process to go. Oh my gosh, my life is out of control yeah.

Speaker 2:

I'm gonna go like it's not your scared spouse's job to tell you the abuser what you need to do in order to build trust back with them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, a hundred percent, because otherwise what happens is I move the, the scared person moves into this place of of being the owner of your problem and it just ends up in resentment, right, because you're doing a little bit of work and coming back going well, what I'm going to? I'm going to this class and I'm doing this thing. The problem is there has to be real ownership. There has to be uh, I, I loved what, um, gosh, um, we did a podcast with them this year a married couple he had had an affair.

Speaker 2:

Carl Lentz. Oh yeah, the lenses.

Speaker 1:

I loved what Carl said. He said it's my job, carl. Carl had an ongoing affair, um, as a pastor of a very large church, um, and, and he did a great job cleaning up his mess. He went to an addiction program and he said it's my job every single day to bring evidence of my repentance and evidence that I'm trustworthy to the table. It wasn't her job to go. Where's the evidence?

Speaker 2:

Or to muster up some hope-filled faith in his repentance.

Speaker 1:

And so it's back to when a separation happens. Both people have to be willing to look at themselves and go what's my responsibility? Because you may have been the enabler for a long time. You're being mentally, physically, emotionally abused and that may have been going on for a long period of time because you allowed that. Now it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility, and so taking ownership and going okay, um, what's my place? But separation is a great tool to create safety, clarity and to create some like a reset, almost like dating. You really do go back to a place of dating, and can we start at level one? Can?

Speaker 1:

we just be friends.

Speaker 2:

So I would say to our second listener in particular, who, uh, has been in a cycle of abuse, she's currently separated. And I think we would both say to her yes, I guess separation is a good plan for you, as long as you have a plan for working on your own self, like working on healing a healing plan and separation is appropriate until your husband actually can show you sustained, sustained proof of change, and it isn't your job to figure out what that would be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

He is actually responsible to that. So you're going to find out. So she's saying like this is my third time. You know he's been arrested twice this year. And I'm going, girl, stay, put, work really hard on yourself, build tons of you know, go on a healing journey, make sure your kids are well and stay in that position and don't go back in to an unsafe environment unless you know that they're sustained change. And I think in those situations, right Like people are scared of. Well, I don't. I've never been a proponent of divorce. You actually don't have to ask yourself should I get a divorce right?

Speaker 1:

now.

Speaker 2:

You don't have to, you don't need to do that. You can actually work on building back health and healing and wholeness in your life and in the lives of your kids while you're, while you wait to see if your husband is going to participate in the healing journey.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And with help, you'll decide in time, with the help of a pastor, with the help of your community, you'll decide in time whether your husband is willing to participate in a marriage or not Then you can talk about divorce if you must.

Speaker 2:

But it is important that when you're in an unsafe situation, that you really don't rush the process because you're afraid of what the end result is going to be. You've got to stay in that spot knowing that real, lasting change in connection is going to be possible if the other partner takes radical ownership and actually brings his or her change to the table.

Speaker 1:

So the fear is always. How do I know that it's genuine, how do I know that it's real?

Speaker 2:

Definitely.

Speaker 1:

And that's where your uh actions speak louder than words. Right, we're looking for a long lasting fruit, and so this is where I think, for the woman who was in an abusive relationship you're going. This isn't a three month process.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

This isn't. He went to anger management and he's got a friend group for the last couple of months and now we're working on getting back together. In my opinion, these are just our opinions.

Speaker 2:

Totally.

Speaker 1:

In my opinion, this is a long process, because I don't, I don't want to have to wonder if, if, if this is, uh, just him doing all the right things so that he can get back.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

This is me going hey, okay, you work on you, I'm going to work on me and we'll see where your life goes. We'll see how your life goes and I'm I'm patient so I can. I'm not in a hurry to move on. We can go through the dating process again if it feels safe to date and we could spend a lot of time Like you could spend a year, you could spend a year and a half in that process.

Speaker 1:

but here's the key with community, with like, there needs to be strong community in his life and strong community in your life that are helping you walk through this process, because you're rightly afraid and hurting, and he's probably the same, and so giving a lot of space but also a lot of community for someone who's in your life on a regular basis, that can help this process.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I would be willing to say to both listeners, so people in both camps, if you found yourself in a marriage that is actually so challenging or so unsafe that you are in a separation or you have chosen separation and you're asking what do I do next? How do I know if I should move towards reconnection, I'm afraid I truly believe so this, both listeners that actually going on a dating journey would be the right course of action, because with anybody where there's been a huge offense, you don't just dive back into the deep end.

Speaker 2:

And just because you have wedding rings doesn't make anybody entitled to like get all the way back into the marriage bedroom, Like that's actually not. It's not reasonable to expect that after a massive offense and lots of disconnection, that you could just jump back in right where you once were on your wedding day, Actually going on a dating journey which is a trust building journey and it's an intimacy building journey. That is a beautiful course of action because you start slow, you move according to your levels of trust and peace and commitment and as you go, risking little bits at a time, you'll discover whether lasting change has happened or not. And it doesn't require jumping all the way back in the deep end with your children in the mix and, you know, sharing a home together to to discover whether healing and lasting change has has happened.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So this first question, where, where she says they've been separated for almost a year um, there's been some change, but she's afraid of being manipulated. She doesn't want the marriage to end. What questions should she be asking herself?

Speaker 1:

to find clarity and peace. So to me it's how much ownership has he taken? He should be able to talk through what happened before, what was the cause, what his triggers are, what he's done to address that, and then I want to watch, right? So this dating process, the dating process doesn't necessarily even mean that you're going out on a lot of dates. It could just be like I'm giving time. There's time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we're spending amounts of time together. I'm giving time. There's time. Yeah, we're spending amounts of time together.

Speaker 1:

And I would say, like, be careful how physical you are, because your goal is to see fruit and you're afraid, so to me it's. He really should be able to explain his whole process, and then you want to see him in challenging times, to see if he's using the tools that he said that he has in order to manage the thing that used to be a problem, and so that that would be the key there. I think the the second question we've already answered yeah, yeah, yeah and so, um, you know, setting clear boundaries obviously we've talked about that.

Speaker 1:

Um, okay, this is where I think you have to give yourself permission to grieve and to let go of, like this is such a challenging process to let go of what you wanted in your marriage what you wanted your marriage to be and to really grab a hold of where it is at today.

Speaker 1:

Because sometimes we like for the for the um, for both of these ladies who are in really painful spots in their marriage. I think sometimes we jump back in too quick and we don't embrace the process, because we have this ideal of what our marriage should have looked like. And you have to realize you're not rebuilding the old marriage, you're building a brand new marriage and so if you don't give yourself permission to grieve like to really grieve the fact that your first marriage is going away, that you never wanted it to go, you're married to someone that you're afraid of or you're in a lot of pain over and wrapping your mind around that and allowing yourself to process that.

Speaker 1:

That being able to process through your story is going to help you come to it again with a brand new, fresh like not, um, I think not carrying the overwhelming pain, constant pain, of my marriage isn't what I wanted it to be. But having processed through that and grabbing a hold of okay, what do you want to do in my life?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Right, and what am I moving towards?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And but giving yourself permission to grieve, giving yourself permission to protect your kids, permission to let God lead you without rushing Right, and then I think that separation is for someone who really values marriage right. Who's in a very painful spot where a lot of other people would have just walked away because you can right. Yeah, because I mean who's going to tell you you can't get a divorce when somebody's? Beating you, yeah, beating you and like you, you could.

Speaker 1:

And that that's not me giving you permission, that's me saying like, yeah, you, there's separation is perfect in a in a situation, situation like that and being able to really take some time to slow everything down and allow God and time and repentance to take its course, so that you can salvage and rebuild something that is beautiful. Um, I worked with a couple who, um, he'd had affairs for a long time um, longer than 20 years in their marriage and, uh, he got caught, which is always worse because you don't have somebody going. Man, I feel a lot of conviction. I just want to end this, you know, and come out and confess he got caught.

Speaker 1:

They started rebuilding their marriage and then, six months in, he got caught again. So twice he got caught having actual affairs going to massage parlors, things like that and honestly, it was so challenging. It was just a really, really tough case. And after the second time he got caught, I was like, guys, I can't, I can't work Like I'm all, I'm all done, and I handed it over to a friend to work on the case because I just felt like um for me, I felt like I, I wasn't a great fit for the couple and, uh, for me, having worked on it for six months and then to have him to know that he wasn't being fully honest was.

Speaker 1:

I was just like I'm not going to waste my time anyways. Um, they stayed in a separation for a very long time I think it was a year, year and a half and ended up rebuilding their marriage and they have a very strong marriage and they have a really strong marriage because she kept going what can I work on? And I'm not in a hurry, I don't want to get a divorce. She could have got a divorce. I mean, even according to the Bible, she could have got a divorce. I mean, even according to the Bible, she could have got a divorce. But she's going, divorce isn't. I'm not worried whether or not. Uh, I'm not just trying to get out of marriage, I'm trying to go. How can I grow? How can I change? How can I work through my pain? And if he's going to do the same and and I'm still around, then great, we'll see what's actually there.

Speaker 1:

And they ended up rebuilding their marriage and built a really beautiful marriage, but props to the other counselor that came in and really helped them. So yeah it's just an awesome story. I've seen a lot of a lot of separation um actually work.

Speaker 2:

There's no marriage beyond repair. That's the truth actually work. There's no marriage beyond repair. That's the truth. There's no marriage beyond repair. And I think in a separation situation, you're going to need more outside counsel, more professional help, more you know strength from your community. These aren't decisions to make by yourself. And, yeah, we just want to honor your value for covenant, your value for marriage, and want to bless your journey. Both of these listeners and anybody that might be tuning in that's in a similar situation. Bless your journey of rebuilding marriage connection. So, yeah, we appreciate you guys, we appreciate all of our listeners. We really love getting your questions and your comments and your thoughts on our content and we really hope that today's episode helped you.

Speaker 1:

Awesome guys. Well, have an incredible week. We will see you next week. Bye.