Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons

135. The Three C’s of Leading Your Family Well

• Jason and Lauren Vallotton

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In this episode, Lauren and Jason sit down to talk about what it really looks like to lead your family well while carrying leadership responsibilities in ministry, business, and life. Whether you’re parenting toddlers or launching teens, this conversation will help you build a home that’s healthy, connected, and grounded in vision.

They share what they learned from blending their family and why the long game of parenting matters so much. Together, the Vallottons unpack the Three C’s that have shaped their own family:

1️⃣ Culture — Build belonging through identity.

Every family has a culture. Are you building yours on purpose? Learn how to establish a shared language that gives your kids identity and belonging. 

2️⃣ Consistency — Play the long game.

Family is formed through repetition, not reaction. Discover how small, faithful rhythms create stability and character over time — even when you can’t see the fruit yet.

3️⃣ Capacity — Lead from health, not hustle.

Your home doesn’t need your title; it needs your presence. Jason and Lauren share how they’ve learned to create space for rest, connection, and emotional honesty so their home stays full of life — not burnout.

Enjoy!

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For information on the Marriage Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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SPEAKER_00:

We're the valotins and we are passionate about people.

SPEAKER_02:

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

SPEAKER_00:

But that's not always what comes easiest.

SPEAKER_02:

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience as well as our years of working with people.

SPEAKER_00:

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family, and parenting to encourage, entertain, and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome back, everyone, to dates, mates, and babies with the Valitons. Y'all, we have not been with you guys for two weeks.

SPEAKER_00:

I know. We've been MIA. Where have we been, love?

SPEAKER_02:

There's good reason for that, guys. We have been in New York. Um, Lauren had a dream, actually, that we went to New York and just built some connections. And so that's literally what we did. We just picked up, we left, we went to New York, and uh just to see what God would do. And y'all, it was so incredible. But um because of that, we didn't bring our recording stuff. We just said, hey, listen.

SPEAKER_00:

We got to be fully present for two weeks. Yeah. We had our kids with us, we had our five-year-old and our three-year-old with us. So woo. But we're back. We are back, and we are better than ever, invigorated in this beautiful, crisp fall day.

SPEAKER_02:

It's true. And we're ready to go.

SPEAKER_00:

We are. We've got we've got a great episode for you guys today. Um we've been thinking a lot, just I mean, as we've been away, you know, as I mentioned, we had our our little kids with us when we we've come back and spent a lot of time with our older kids and our grandbaby. And so we are just surrounded on every level right now with this thought of like building family. We are just in the throes of building family, building culture with our children, our grandchildren. And so we kind of can't get off the subject. And as we've been considering it, um, the Lord gave me, I mean, I've I've read this scripture a hundred times. Um, but it has struck me in the last week or so, I've been considering this scripture in the context of building family. And we thought today we'd kind of share with you some of our musings, some of our thoughts, some of our current inspiration on doing family really well and in a healthy way, which comes out of Psalm 127. So I'm gonna read this to you guys. Um, you can go there in your Bibles if you've got that with you as you're listening, but I'm gonna read it to you.

SPEAKER_02:

This scripture is fire.

SPEAKER_00:

It is fire. Okay. So verses one through five, it says, unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guard stands watch in vain. In vain. You rise up early, you stay up late, toiling for food to eat. Okay, pause. If we think about this, right, the Lord builds the house. Because in a moment, he starts talking about kids. So if we're talking about building the house, let's just consider for a moment that God might be talking to us about actually building our family, our actual house where we've got literal children in it. How many of you parents out there have felt at times like all you're doing is waking up early and staying up late and grinding out your day?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's true.

SPEAKER_00:

Dads, you're going to work and you are toiling for food. You are working so hard and for what?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it says, unless the Lord builds the house, unless the Lord watches over the city, you're doing all of that in vain. So lately, what Jay and I have been getting really excited about is finding words to articulate the importance of having vision for your family. Vision that comes from God, vision that actually comes from God, a deep sense of purpose as you raise your family in the context of work, yes. In the context of community, yes. But truly, like, has the Lord given us deep vision and purpose for building our family? And here's why it's so important. Children, it says, are a heritage from the Lord, offspring of reward from him, like arrows in the hands of a warrior, are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. So we've heard this scripture. I mean, I've heard the scripture tons and tons of times. But as I'm kind of unpacking it lately, I am drawn to the imagery and the analogy that God gives us in this scripture. And I mean, babe, you're you're into archery. You know this. So, like when the archer, when the archer considers his quiver full of arrows, like what does that actually mean? And we did a little bit of research on it. And I just think it's super cool. It's fantastic. Should I share it?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, do it.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. So this is not like a sentimental image. This is a really intentional image. Arrows in scripture, they weren't like decorations, they were really crafted for purpose. And they represented preparation, direction, and long distance.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it was the difference between success and failure, survival and defeat, victory and death, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So when we're being when we're when we're considering this scripture and the context of it, if we are considering our children like arrows in the quiver of a warrior, in the context of the house we're building better be built by God. It better have vision and purpose from God as the direction, as the leader. And in that context are this is this quiver full of arrows. And here's here's what we've discovered, right? Like a warrior or a craftsman would go out and find a really strong, straight shoot, like raw material that has a lot of potential. When our kids are born, we are given by God, right? This raw material full of potential. They didn't just like willy-nilly grab sticks off of a tree. The warrior would bring it home, and here's what it says He would bring it home, soak it, and slowly heat it over a flame to make it pliable. He'd straighten it, smooth it, sand it down again and again. All right. That's parenting.

SPEAKER_01:

It is.

SPEAKER_00:

That's raising a family. You don't form character in a second, right? You do it with warmth and pressure and patience and time. And sometimes that fire is uncomfortable, I think. And if the Lord isn't building that house, if you're not doing it with an incredible sense of purpose, that's where we get into those modes in family life where we feel like, what are we doing? We are waking up early, we are going to bed late, we are grinding it out all day long. And for what purpose? Well, you have to have the purpose of the arrow in mind, right? You have to have the actual purpose of the arrow in mind. So as we're kind of researching this out a little bit, we see, okay, then they add the fletching. They add the feathers to the arrows. And the fletching, as we read it, it's like, oh, that that feels like, you know, we're adding in our family values, our faith, our rhythms. Ultimately, the point is that we would put those feathers on the arrow to help keep our kids really steady.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's just the fletchings are stabilization. Stabilization. Yeah, in the winds, in the the through through the trajectory of that arrow, those fletchings guide that point, that shaft to its its location.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. So then finally the craftsman would add the sharp point on the end, and that's where that arrow will make its ultimate impact, right? So this idea that every kid has a different purpose, a different point. And our job as a parent is to actually sharpen it and to recognize it and to know that, gosh, all of our kids are not the same, but we have to help them discover what God designed them to be. And here's the part I love the most. When the when the arrow is ready, the warrior draws it in, aims really carefully, and releases it towards a target that the warrior himself can't reach. Right? So this is stunning. Okay. So when we consider like this analogy that I love so much, Jason and I have kind of broken it down into these. We're cut and we're gonna call it the three C's, right? The three C's of building family really, really well in love. I mean, I want you to jump in. I'm like fired up about this because I've been researching it out. But like, let's talk about these three C's. They're we're gonna call them culture, consistency, and capacity. These are three keys that really should help us hone our vision for our family so that as we're raising children or ultimately stewarding whatever God has given you to steward in our lifetime, that we're doing it with these three things in mind so that we have, so the Lord is building the house, so that we're not doing all this work in vain, but we're doing it with incredible purpose. So let's break down each of those like one at a time, maybe culture first.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I think maybe before we jump into that, just for a second.

SPEAKER_00:

Sorry, I'm getting I'm overly excited. I like it.

SPEAKER_02:

And it's perfect. You know, unless the Lord builds the house is an interesting, it's an it's an interesting conversation because what does it ultimately look like to have God be your partner?

SPEAKER_00:

Or your leader.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And well, I I just think that there's this beautiful partnership, right? Because the the Bible in um let me find the verse. So in Proverbs 16, 9, it says that a man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs the steps. And for me, just the the very beginning of all of this is how do we get God, how do we how do we come to a place where we are partnering with God? And we are because I think that's the whole context, that's a large part of the context of this verse is like, unless God builds the house, man toils in vain. And I just don't want to miss that piece of like, am I building my house with God? Yes. And and I so I think a portion of this as we're talking about the C's is to do it through the lens of Lord, these are your kids, not mine. Right. Lord, this is your house, not mine. I am a steward of what you want to do. And why I think that's important is sometimes I think that we have good ideas, but I I want to partner with God in going, what do you want the culture of my home to look like? What are these kids like? What have you built this child for?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

What have you built my family? Like, what is our family supposed to go after?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it matters so much because I mean, go back to the scripture. There's there's no warrior on the planet that is just after his own mission, single warrior out there on his own mission. No, a warrior is a part of a tribe and he's getting his direction from somebody, unless he's the top guy, right? So, what we're doing, what we're building, the warrior that has this quiver full of arrows is not just on his own, on his own mission out there.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

The greater mission matters so much. And so that we are actually really submitted to the call of God for our family. Yes. And honestly, that is a little bit of what we saw happen in New York. Like we went on, we went on our trip to New York because I had a dream that we were meant to. It was meaningful because I've felt a call to that city since I was a young person. And it hasn't really materialized itself much.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But we said yes to going on this adventure with God. And ultimately what we watched was like our kids, our uh as a family, we're kind of saying yes to whatever this call is. We're gonna discover it together. That's what we did. Yeah. So, okay, so with all of this in mind, just so we can break it down easily, right? Like in the process of building a house and forming these arrows and stewarding what God has given us, what are some things, the some keys to like kind of keep us on track? I we'd say number one, culture.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We have to build belonging through identity in our kids. As we're building family, we want to build a strong culture on purpose.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I mean, it just goes back to what like how did you get created? And and Jeremiah says, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. And having this idea that you're not just my son, you're not just my daughter, but you are a daughter of the living God. You are a son of the living God, and constantly instilling that identity into our children. Same with you. You're not just you're not just my wife. You're you are a daughter of the Most High King. And so everything that I do is instilling identity into them. The way that I treat them, I'm treating them as if I'm stewarding the daughter, the son, uh, of the living God. And yeah. And I think that is okay, so that says we do this because this is how you were created. We don't do this because you were not created like this.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And this is who we are. The identity portion is so important.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's why for men, like one of the steps in Braveco in our um foundations of masculinity is actually creating an ethos, which is what's your mission, your vision, your virtues, your values that you're following. And it gets guys really, really locked into this is what it means to be Jason Ballatin. Yeah. This is who I am. And constantly instilling that into our kids so that when they're when they are being launched into this world, this piece of who they are, they're not, they're not going into the world trying to find who they are.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

They're going from a place of this is where I am. I am on a mission. Yeah. And I think that's massive. If we send our kids out without identity, then they're looking for identity and where they're going instead of from this place of identity.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think too, you know, like people on a journey with God to discover their identity in Christ is huge. I think in the best case scenario, people are born into a family that helps them discover their identity in Christ, right? Every family has a different identity. And so in our family, it's common for you to hear us tell our children things like valatins are helpers, valotins are hard workers, valatins are generous, valotins don't give up. And these are things, you know, we you could say on some level, like every responsible human should be able to say that about themselves. But truly, like valotins are helpers. What does that mean? We come from it, we're we're generationally pastors. We are generationally, we we lead people, we help people. And our kids growing up, understanding this is what our family does, your expression of that might look different, but this is what this is who valitins are.

SPEAKER_02:

I think the important thing around culture is part of what creates culture is the stories that are told over and over and over again, right? Right. And and and the the expectations uh that are handed down.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And I just think that that's a massive part of how how our families got to where we're at. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It really creates a huge amount of belonging, safety, and confidence in our kids. Lots of uh safety and confidence when they know who they are.

SPEAKER_01:

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. The second C would be consistency. And when we're saying consistency, we're talking about playing the long game. Yeah. And this has been really highlighted to us, uh, obviously, because we're watching our adult children build their lives now. And so we realize, like, oh my gosh, look at them go. They're doing amazing. If we'd had the long game in mind when they were little, wow, we would have done a lot of less things in vain, right?

SPEAKER_02:

I think that that's really important to constantly have in front of you is this this phrase, I'm playing the long game. Yeah. When our kids were in high school, when our when our olds, our bigs were in high school, there were lots of days where it looked like they were flying left or right, anything but straight.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And and the deep desire to come and just blow up their worlds. Or control the situation. Yeah. Instead of rem remember, like, okay, I'm straightening out this bend. This arrow has a kink in it. And I can way overcorrect and break that thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Or I can use patience, right? Oh, yeah. So I re-soak it again, I reheat it again, I go back and I use patience in structure and guidance and connection and consistency to get that arrow on track on where it needs to be. It takes a lot of vision and then also the suppression or it's the get getting rid of fear when you're creating culture um and you and you're creating that consistency, you have to constantly address your fear of what you think's gonna have of the immediate and look to, okay, but am I still on target with the long game?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So good. Man, that's really good. And then the third C we would say is capacity. And when we talk about capacity, we have to address our own ability. It's very, it's all very connected, right? But like we have to address our own ability to lead from health and not from like a hustle or an overfunctioning or a, and as you were just talking to like restraint, right? We have to learn restraint. We have to learn what it means to stay even in our lane. Like, what is our job? I'm famous for asking this question. As we've been raising a family together for all these years, often I ask you and God, what's my job in this situation? I need to know my role. And I think, you know, if we're being given the responsibility of building a home whose blueprints are from the Lord, and we are we are building and sharpening these arrows that we're supposed to launch. Like what's my job and what's not? Ultimately, I think too, we get to a spot where we realize oh my gosh, if a child is an arrow in my quiver whose ultimate purpose is to be released, then none of this is about control.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's about shaping, it's about formation, and then it's actually about letting go.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, trust. So much trust.

SPEAKER_00:

So much trust involved. And when we keep that in mind, we we that's how we hope we keep capacity, is by remembering daily, sometimes hourly, right? When you have toddlers, you're reminding yourself hourly, like, what's my goal? What's my job? I keep my margin and my capacity by not overfunctioning and by not actually taking on what is the Lord's to do, or what is my husband's to do, or what is my own daughter's, you know, this is her little life. She might only be five, but this is hers right now. This hard feeling she's having, this experience that she's having is hers. It's not mine. And I'm gonna help her through it, but I'm not gonna take it on.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I think capacity is so important because you're you're in partnership with God and you're building. So when you think about building, anytime we're building, you always have to ask the question, do I have enough for the completion, right? Like, am I looking towards the completion? And if you're running a race, the first question that you're asking is, Well, how long's the race? Is this a hundred-yard dash or is this a marathon? Totally. And and that matters a lot. When when we're raising kids and building family, you know, the that house that God's building is it's longevity, right? It's it is unto legacy and and it's just so long. And so it's back to Jesus' model. Jesus has this model in which he's just communicating with the Father, going, I really only want to do what you're doing because it it's it creates again this incredible focus, but also he's saving so much capacity. There's so many times when you when Jesus was asked to do other things, or when you would, if I was Jesus, I'd be tempted to do so many more things, right? I'm the son of the living God. And why won't I heal all these other people, or why shouldn't I raise more money for this thing, or why shouldn't I go and do this agenda? But Jesus is going, I'm just doing the will. Uh we're working on this one thing. And why I think that's really important is there's this voice inside, uh constantly inside of a builder. I think, at least I face it a lot, that this isn't enough. You're not doing enough. You should be further ahead. You should have already done this, you should have, and what it does is it really steals your capacity. But if you if you have so much um confidence about the mission and about what you're building, then you get to trust that this yes and those other no's is what the Lord really wants you to focus on. Yeah. And so I just think that that's really hard. That's a hard thing to do. It's it's easy to uh waste your capacity in your business when you should be focusing on home, or it's easy to waste your capacity on, you know, uh exciting things in the moment that uh don't actually have eternal value or whatever. I mean, we waste our capacity because we're saying yes to a place where God hasn't said yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And we're we should be saying no to the places where God's saying no.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I think that's huge. And I think we have to keep in mind that we have we have a mission that's been given to us by the Lord. And the question at stake is not how do I balance work and family?

SPEAKER_02:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

That's not the that's not the question. There's no balancing work and family. Our family is the house. The church, the family is the house. And we we are builders in that house with God. And we are warriors that are holding on to these arrows and shaping them and forming them. Everything we do, our work, our play, our community is in the context of family. So we lead everything else from the space of health or lack of that we're experiencing inside of our family. So when we're talking about capacity too, I'm saying, like, well, are you prioritizing the health of your marriage? Because the health of the home is only as healthy as the health of the leaders of the home. Yeah. So are you prioritizing your marriage? Are you prioritizing your connection? Do you are you on mission together? Or do you consider your work life separate from your family life? You know, how do you actually come together on those kinds of things so that you're building with a lot of cohesion, a lot of clarity, and you're protecting the margin that you need in order to do the hard work.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's true. It's great.

SPEAKER_00:

Probably a lot more we could say on this subject.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I think just going back, what I would encourage people to do is put this verse at the top of your list and just begin to read through and pray through and think through and and ask for more revelation. We live in a world today in which most of society does not value. Um, a lot of society does not value children. Um and the hard work of family. Yep, and the and the beautiful picture of family. Yeah. Family was God's design to show us uh what really what heaven looks like, what it looks like for the bridegroom to chase a bride. And to and and so it's just God's design was family. So, anyways, guys, we hope that you enjoy this week. Dive into that passage a little bit more and um and allow God to speak to you about how he can help you build your home. Love you guys. Have an incredible week. We will see you next week.

SPEAKER_01:

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