144. The Messy Middle (Part 4): Letting Go — The Practice of Surrender

In this episode, Jason and Lauren explore how real maturity isn’t about getting more of what you want, but learning to loosen your grip. From parenting and marriage to grief and becoming grandparents, they unpack how surrender shapes relational health, heals fear, and builds a legacy that lasts.

Because at some point, growth looks less like striving… and more like letting go.

In this episode, the Vallotton's talk about:

•  the shift from becoming into surrender—and why it’s where maturity deepens 
•  how grief and becoming young grandparents reframed legacy and freedom 
•  why surrender isn’t a stage, but a lifelong invitation 
•  what parenting reveals about our natural tendency toward “mine” 
•  how maturity moves us from consuming to producing in relationships 
•  the role of surrender in marriage, and what it looks like daily 
•  how anxiety, control, and insecurity quietly sabotage connection 
•  what it means to surrender without losing your voice, needs, or boundaries 
•  why true surrender is costly—and not a carefree feeling 

At the end of the day, surrender isn’t about losing your life—it’s about becoming someone who can love well, live freely, and leave something meaningful behind.

Closing question:
What do you need to surrender?

Resources:
Lauren’s upcoming memoir Past the Picket Fence
Join the list + read the prologue and first chapter:
pastthepicketfence.com

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For information on the Marriage Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Relationships Matter

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We're the Balatons and we are passionate about people.

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

But that's not always what comes easiest.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience as well as our years of working with people.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family, and parenting to encourage, entertain, and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Welcome back, everyone, to dates, mates and babies with the Valitons. It's great to be with you guys.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

It sure is. Happy spring, guys. If you hear some nasal congestion in our voices, it's because we are both getting absolutely crushed by seasonal allergies over here in Northern California.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

It's true. I'm just getting rocked.

From Becoming To Letting Go

SPEAKER_02 0:49

I know. So, but yes, here we are. And we're thrilled to this morning kind of continue this mini-series that we've been on pertaining to some of the themes around my book that's coming out later this year. So last episode was about becoming. And just to give like a really short recap, we really highlighted that gap between our desires and our dreams at our capacity, and how in his kindness, God uses a becoming season to form us and to create capacity inside of us to do the work that he has for us. Yeah. And that can feel a lot of different ways, but often that's a that can be a very, there can be a lot of friction in that season. And there can be a lot of work in that season. And, you know, growing sturdy enough to carry the dream and the life that we we have had in mind is is part of it. And then obviously, you know, that that rude awakening that we get to is so relatable for everybody of you kind of reach the spot where you are doing the thing you once dreamed of doing and you're still encountering resistance and you wonder, what in the world? Like I thought it was gonna get easier. Yeah. And we just, you know, part of the journey of life is discovering that God is always forming us and sharpening us. So kind of moving on in the conversation, not because we ever move out of formation, but there is a moving on that happens in maturity as believers and as, you know, women and men, even especially, I would say, in the context of relationships, there is a movement that happens as we mature. Where in my book, I talk about it being kind of a season of life around letting go and surrender, where those become really big themes. And so we're gonna unpack that a little bit today, talk about kind of in our maturity, what does it look like to enter into a season that's less about the grinding and the friction and the becoming information and more about letting go and surrender. So that's great. That's our topic for today.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Let's do it.

Feeling Like A Real Adult

SPEAKER_02 3:13

And so we'll we'll dive in. Okay. So I will say, you know, I'm 41. Um oh no, I'll be 41 this summer. I'm always a little ahead of myself. I'm always a little ahead. Sorry. I'm I'm turning 41 this summer, and Jay is about to turn 46 this month, in fact. And so, you know, by some standards, we're quite young.

unknown 3:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

And then, you know, by other standards, not so much. For example, I was in the nail salon the other day and I sat down next to this grandmotherly looking woman who was clearly with her cute little granddaughter. And her granddaughter got up and went down and sat in the nail chair. And I turned to the grandmother next to me, waiting in the lobby, and said, Oh, is that your granddaughter? And she said, Yes. She's turning 11 this this week. And so I brought her here for a birthday treat. And I said, Oh, she's beautiful. She seems like a sweet girl. And the grandma said, Yeah. In fact, it's funny, when you walked in, she said about you, oh, and she her, she named her older sister. That looks like so-and-so, just the grown-up version. And it was one of those situations where I found myself like, oh, when I walk in a room, people look at me and go, that's a grown-up. And I don't always feel like a grown-up. I feel like I'm still 20, something in my mind. But we're growing. So by some standards, you know, we're growing. By other standards, we're just reaching kind of that middle age. We're figuring some things out. I really am an adult now. I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

And I would say that the last 10, 15 years, I have been so intimately aware of the becoming season of life. It's been the season of my life in particular where I've been doing all the hard work I didn't know would be required in order to obtain dreams fulfilled.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

Yeah.

Grief And Grandparenting As A Glimpse

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Like dreams fulfilled of being married, having a family for me. The last 10 to 15 years has been about doing the hard work of becoming somebody that can be that person, right? That can have that family, that can have the marriage. And I, in the last two years, I feel like I'm just becoming aware of the next season ahead. And I will say, I think my mom's death, for those of you that haven't listened to some of our previous episodes, I talk about this some, but my mom passed away about two and a half years ago and she had terminal cancer. So the season of walking through end of life with my mom and then seeing her graduate into heaven, that season for me was probably my first introduction into just an awareness on an experiential level. Whoa. Where we're going as people in life, like humans on earth, where we're going is a lot more about letting go and surrender than it is about tight gripping the thing that we think we need or want. And I was pretty young to lose my mom. Like, you know, she was only 66 years old. And so I don't have a lot of friends who've lost parents yet. And so I think if I look around at my peers, I was introduced to some of those thoughts and ideas on an experiential level earlier than some of my peers. And the other thing we've done earlier than a lot of our peers is we just had a grandchild. Our granddaughter is gonna be seven months old this month, Livvy. And so I would say to be in our early 40s and have been introduced to death on a on a level that it is a bit early, like to lose a parent, and then stepping into being grandparents as young younger people, I do feel like I've got like a glimpse ahead of where we're headed. And I have felt a real mercy in that. Like I felt a real gift of grace in being invited, I think, by the Lord to consider the next season. Maybe even before I'm fully in it, I'm I'm looking at it and I'm taking some notes. I'm paying attention to some of the women who are, you know, women of God who I have had the privilege to see and know what, you know, your mom, other women in our community who are in that more mature grandmotherly phase. We even had a a guest speaker, Lisa Harper was a guest speaker at our women's conference this year. And she she articulated some things that helped me go, yes, that's where I think we're headed. And I I can't tell you yet because I'm not fully in it, but I can see that there's a level of surrender in life. There's a level of surrender and letting go that is a it produces a wild freedom, like a wild permission in life when we get to a spot where we're willing to kind of loosen our grip on some things. So, anyways, that's kind of how I started thinking about this topic. And I think we're moving into it.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Can I I think that there's different types of the surrender, and for me, for sure, one is that grandparent stage where you get better and better. And but I do think that no matter what age you are, we're constantly being invited into a life of surrender. Yes, and it's not intuitive. So I'm watching my littles, you know, six and four, and their level of surrender is zero.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

On a scale one, you basically have to crush their wills to get them to surrender.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

It's a constant crushing of the will, constant negotiation, a constant. I mean, you are trying to move them from a place where they go mind, mind, mind, mind. And most of that is built in by God, right? Yeah, they don't have the ability to think about other people when they're just babies. Babies literally can only think about themselves, which is fine. It's that old frontal, you know, lobe being developed and their brain still being developed. And so as they're getting older, you're constantly, constantly reminding them that somebody is having a Christmas that isn't as beautiful as yours. What's fun in life isn't getting your way all the time. The best things in life are giving, not always getting. Hey, when we're done with dinner, don't just think about what you want to do. Think about the family and mom cooked, let's help clean, right? You're just constantly moving them into can you surrender what you want to do? Can you surrender what you think is best? Can you surrender mine, me, I, I'm gonna, and get into this place of what is what am I, uh how do I be a blessing? How do I be a gift? And I think when we look at life, every level of maturity is increased measure of surrender. So as you go from being a baby into uh an in your adolescence, you're moving more and more into maturity. You're learning how to share, surrender. You're learning how to give up the thing that I just got that I really want, but I want you to have this experience too. And I I do think on every level we are God is welcoming welcoming us constantly into surrender. We learn this with our finances as you get as you're you know, starting to make money and earn money. It's it's our older kids where they're working and they first learn, like, I'm gonna tithe. And tithing's painful.

SPEAKER_03 11:26

At first, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Yeah, at first. Totally. Because this is all I have, and now I'm gonna give some of it to God, you know? And yeah, what's it priming them for? It's priming them for the recognition of the one who ultimately is the blessing and who blesses them. And I give back what I have, and it's my commitment to God. And and so I just think the the welcoming is my whole thing is you can miss it if you think, okay, someday in my life, when I get older, I'm going to be in this place of surrender.

SPEAKER_04 12:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

And I really think that I mean, Jesus was 33 years old, getting ready to lay down his life. There's no greater love in this world than the person that surrenders his life for somebody else. That is the ultimate.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

And I I just I really think that the surrender is this deep place of okay, it's fabricated in this deep place of trust that what he has for me is it's so much better for me to surrender what I want to do, right, than to find out what it is that he's doing and jump on board with that. It's so much better to surrender in marriage, practically. It's so much better for me to surrender what what it is ultimately that I want out of my marriage, right, and to go, okay, what's the best thing for the marriage? It's what's the best thing for you? How do I be a blessing to you today? And so on every aspect of life, we are welcomed and invited into the surrendered life. And the surrendered life is built in this mindset of I'm going to give not without needs, not without boundaries, but I'm going to give, I'm going to live my life as a sacrifice, a living sacrifice laid down in order to steward, bless, grow, tend to what it is that I've been given.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

That's the life that that's the life of surrender, and that's Jesus' ultimate model.

Trials Produce Love And Maturity

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's he promises us that, you know, he says that it is in letting go of our own lives that we find true life. Yeah. And I've been thinking about how there is a bit of a parallel. There's a a verse in James, James chapter one, that says, consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, because the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And then it says, Let perseverance finit perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. And I've been thinking about how this, this journey that we're all on as humans, which maybe we'll just kind of consider like the arc of our life's journey, is this dreaming phase, becoming phase, letting go phase. You know, even in scripture, you don't actually face a trial of any kind if you're not trying to do something. I mean, hard times will come and find you for sure.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

But, you know, if you're in a trial, it's because you are working to do something. And then scripture tests tells us that it's in that testing of our faith that produces the kind of perseverance. So that's that becoming phase where we are experiencing a need for perseverance. You're you've encountered a trial, you are letting perseverance uh bear perseverance finish its work so that eventually we can be mature and complete. It says not lacking anything. And if you study that out a little bit and then read some of the correlating chapters and verses in the Bible about this subject, being mature and complete has a lot to do with perfecting in love.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

And so it truly is like our life's journey is about being perfected in love. And we don't get there without the trials that produce perseverance and character. And so it should be encouraging to us that in this maturing process that we're in, this kind of life subjected to this maturing process, like Jesus is so interested in us becoming more like him, that we're heading to a place where we're actually better at loving. We're better at loving, we're better at giving. We're better at laying our lives down, we're better at surrender and humility and letting go. And you see that, right? Like in a really practical sense, you look around and at the different generations alive. And of course, it's the grandmas and the grandpas that are enjoying their deep joy is in watching their family around them work hard and thrive. And it becomes so much less about us. And it becomes so much more about, it's more legacy-minded. It's more about what am I leaving? It's more about what am I providing for those around me. It's a lot less about me holding tight to the thing that I thought I once needed in order to be okay or in order to become the person that I was supposed to be. And sometimes you watch people kind of tight grip that season a little bit too long. And then you're like, holy smokes, bro. Like, let go a little bit, like give it up. There's, you know, you've got a you've got a kid coming up behind you, ready to take the baton. Like, let's see what can happen. And there's such a beautiful, deep joy that you can see on, like, I have a couple older women in my mind, and I just feel like I look at their faces and I see the contentment in them. And you only arrive at that kind of peace and contentment when you've just fully let go and you're not so worried anymore about so many things. I feel like that's especially amongst women, there's a real dialogue around this concept of like, you reach a certain age and you just don't care what people think anymore. And there's that side of it, but the other side of it is you reach a certain age and you just realize the deepest joy, the greatest fulfillment, the fullest life is in leaning into the mystery, letting go of certain expectations, allowing it to be a lot less about us and more about the people that we are loving and leading. And I get a little excited about moving into that phase. And I don't want to be in my 60s before I move there. You know what I mean? If there's if that's where deep joy and satisfaction is, if you know, if if if losing my life is how I find it, then let's get a little lost and let's let go of some of those things. So again, I don't feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm exploring new territory. I'm exploring new territory.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

For me, the this is a formation. This is not, like I said earlier, intuitive. And so I think as you if we look at the a cycle in marriage, like the process of marriage is you come in as two people, two very much individuals, and the dating process helps you to learn, like, okay, I you go from I make all the decisions by myself to I'm running decisions past you. And you know, it's not just my time, it's not just my life, it's our life together. And then as you get married, it's another level, right? It's another level of not my will, but yours and mine. I got a lot of say in it. And then you go through that next phase and stage of you have kids. Now, kids is where you really see the welcome to surrender.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Because you don't know what kind of kids you're gonna get. Yeah, right. You don't know the demand, you can't stop working, you also can't stop your marriage and the demand that's there. And so just naturally, by nature, you're moving more and more and more and more, further and further and further into this process and being developed into someone who's a steward.

SPEAKER_03 20:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

And stewardship is all about what can I give? It's very little to do with what do I get. And so I really do, I think that yes, there is so much of older people who are like, oh, worry about the things that are worth worrying about, or I just don't care about that anymore.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

And I think it's so much less about this thing where we get to say, I don't care about this. And because I I think it's, I'm just thinking about it practically, like it's not as easy. Okay, for somebody who has anxiety, it's like saying to them, like, just calm down.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Sure. Just relax, right?

Healing Fear That Fuels Control

SPEAKER_00 20:49

You need to relax. And they're like, oh my gosh, thanks. I never thought about that. I'm just gonna relax. But there's something that happens that's formed into us through the trials, through the demand of life. And then you start to see the enjoyment in life, where I genuinely enjoy giving more than I receiving, or I genuinely enjoy thinking about your day and how do I bless your day and how do I build, right? The building, there is a satisfaction in the building. And so much of the building is in the not about me, it's about you. Jesus was building, not building what he wanted to build, he was in partnership with God. And so I think the real question, because we get into these places where the opposite of sac uh of self sacrificing is like the exact opposite is self selfishness, self indulgence. And we know that when we get into these places in our marriages or relationships, that indulgence it looks like a lot of things.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

And but in what it feels like as parents. Painful in every area.

SPEAKER_03 22:01

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

So it would have been my anxiety earlier in our marriage led to lots of how how often can I go fishing? And knowing that it's hurting our relationship and not caring as much as I should have, could have. Sure. It led me to be really selfish. These areas in my life that were pain points that I had never hadn't solved. The insecurity in my life, the it leads to this self-indulgence. Yeah. How do I take care of me? As we grow older, we begin to pinpoint and heal these places in our marriages, in our relationships, this place of insecurity or deep fear. Yes. Or it would be your control when you felt trapped. And I think that is the process of letting go. Is the process of letting go to me is I'm actually addressing these fears, these insecurities, these pain points in my life that make me want to hold on.

SPEAKER_03 23:11

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

I'm trying to save my life. And instead of right, I'm in this fight, flight, freeze, this trauma, this, I'm trying to protect myself. I'm trying to save my life. And in trying to save my life, I'm actually not enjoying my life. Right. I'm losing my life. And so I do think it's a welcoming. I see this season very much as a grandma, a grandpa, they've done so much stripping.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

So much stripping away of okay, I used to be controlling. I used to let my anger do this. I used to, I mean, I even just watched my dad. And how my dad grandfathers is so different than oh yeah. How my dad parented. I watch how I parent today with the kids compared to, I mean, even just when you and I got married.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

I know.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

When we were first married.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

So true.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

I there was so much of my life that was just so much more about me.

unknown 24:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

And so I do think that for me, a big takeaway in our lives is what are we being invited to surrender that I'm wanting to hold on to.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

This could literally be a cycle inside of your marriage. Thinking of a couple that I was counseling earlier this year. And it looks very much like my needs aren't going to get met.

SPEAKER_02 24:44

Yes.

The Costly Road Of True Surrender

SPEAKER_00 24:45

I'm not going to be okay. And it's not surrendering the need, it's surrendering the control. It's surrendering the if I it's like regardless of what you do, babe, my response is always should be rooted in service. How can I serve? How can I lay down my life? How can I? Which again doesn't have to do with no boundaries and those things, but that's always the question. I'm always being wooed back into by God. How do I lay down my life for you? Yeah. And so I think the real question for us is what does surrender look like? Because I think we have this idea of surrender too. And I'll finish with this that surrender is this like chill, relax, totally like no worries place. And I think surrender is like I think a real surrender is what brought Jesus to the cross.

SPEAKER_03 25:51

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

The real surrender is, it's why Peter wanted to deny him three times. That road of surrender is more costly, it's a harder road. It's a more deeply connected, it's more beneficial. It is, but surrender is not this chill, no worries, akuna matata.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Surrender is a constant fleshing out, getting rid of the areas of my life. Search me, know me, heal me, God, and invite me into these deeper places of truth where I am I am addressing and confronting my fear that creates chaos, yeah, and surrendering that to your will, your desire for me, your calling and your leading me. And that's the challenge. What area in your life do you need to surrender? What area in your marriage? What area in your relationship with your kids? I mean, that's the big question. What what area in your work or your finances?

Book Updates And Closing

SPEAKER_02 27:00

Yeah, it's very good. Very good. Yeah. I love it. I love it too because you know, hearing like even hearing you process what this subject means to you and how you're how you think about it, it adds so much even to how I have been thinking about it. And it becomes more dynamic. And I I am positive that a lot of people listening are gonna, it's gonna hit home. It's gonna relate.

SPEAKER_03 27:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Guys, I wanted to let you in on something fun. So I've mentioned, I've mentioned that I have a book coming out this year. I finally have a space ready for those of you that want to kind of track with me on this project and be in the loop when it becomes available. I have a landing page ready. So it's pasthepicketfense.com, which I'll put a link to that in the show notes. But if you want to stay in touch about this book, like if this subject matter in particular, this little mini-series we've done on dreaming, becoming, and letting go, if this is resonating with you, if you're hearing these episodes and you're like, this is the journey I'm on, I need articulation for this, or I'm looking for relatability inside of this. You know, we learn so much from other people's stories. And so if you want to track with me on this project and stay in the loop when it becomes available on my landing page, you can just fill out your uh email address and I'll stay in touch with you. And I've even got a couple chapters ready, the the prologue and the first chapter I can send to you just as a yeah, just enjoy reading while we wait, kind of a thing. So if you're interested in that, check it out in the link. Otherwise, we will see you back here next week for a new episode. Have a really good week, everybody.