146. Building a Life You Love Before Marriage with McKenzie Gibson

Jason and Lauren Vallotton sit down with their friend McKenzie Gibson, a labor and delivery nurse, to talk about something that doesn’t get discussed nearly enough: how to prepare not just for marriage, but for a full and meaningful life. In a culture that often treats singleness like a waiting room, McKenzie shares how she’s built a life marked by deep friendship, intentionality, hospitality, and purpose through her 20s and 30s.

The conversation dives into the realities of burnout, nervous system overload, and the emotional toll of high-intensity work. McKenzie opens up about recognizing her limits, stepping into a sabbatical season, and why rest can sometimes be one of the wisest choices we make rather than a sign of failure. Together, they explore the importance of building rhythms that sustain your mental, emotional, and spiritual health long before marriage or parenting enters the picture.

Jason, Lauren, and McKenzie also unpack the challenges many single adults feel inside marriage-centered communities and how to resist shrinking yourself while waiting for the next season. They talk about friendship as a calling, learning through proximity to healthy families, the power of intergenerational relationships, and why true hospitality is more about making room for people than creating a perfect environment.

In this episode:
 • why preparing for a meaningful life matters as much as preparing for marriage
 • recognizing burnout, nervous system overload, and emotional exhaustion
 • how sabbaticals and rest can be acts of wisdom rather than quitting
 • friendship as purpose, not just convenience
 • learning about marriage and parenting through close community
 • what real hospitality looks like beyond hosting dinners
 • navigating singleness in a marriage-focused culture
 • building relationships across different ages and stages of life
 • practical ways to create deeper community and connection
 • why availability, feedback, and intentional presence matter so much

Whether you’re single, dating, married, parenting, or somewhere in between, this conversation offers practical wisdom for building a life filled with healthy relationships, purpose, and connection.

Share this episode with a friend, leave a review if it encouraged you, and let us know: what part of building a life you love feels hardest right now?

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Transcript

Why Relationships Matter

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We're the ballotins and we are passionate about people.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

But that's not always what comes easiest.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience as well as our years of working with people.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family, and parenting to encourage, entertain, and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Welcome back, everyone, to dates, mates and babies with the Valitons. It's great to be with you guys.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

It sure is. I am really excited about today's episode. Hope you guys are having a good spring. We are really thriving over here. And today's episode is going to be really fun because we have had a friend in town for the last few days. Our friend Mackenzie Gibson is our podcast guest today. And let me tell you guys, you are in for a treat because Mackenzie is she is one of our favorite people that we have we have gotten to know her through some friends. And she's been such a gift in the last couple of seasons, and our overlap has been fun, just in lots of different small world situations with friendship. But Mackenzie's been in town in Reading for a few days attending a conference. And we said, McKenzie, before you leave today, can you come on our podcast? Because you guys, she is one of the most beautiful, thriving single women in our life. She is about a decade younger than Jason in particular.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

No, no exact ages will be given.

Meet Mackenzie And Her Work

SPEAKER_02 1:33

She is in her early 30s and has done an amazing job navigating her 20s and now 30s as a single woman, yet to be married, but absolutely thriving. And one of the things Jade and I often say when people who are single looking for dating or marriage, you know, how do I prepare myself? What's the best thing we could do? And we often say you need to focus on building a life that you love. And Mackenzie has done that. And she's done that far before we knew her in friendship. But we're gonna ask her some fun questions today that are hopefully gonna ring bells for people who are in a similar season of life as her. But honestly, she carries a lot of wisdom, even for people navigating friendship, navigating family, navigating profession while trying to also build robust community. Mackenzie is so wise and has stewarded her life and her gift so well. So I'm really excited for you guys to hear from her. So thanks for being with us, McKenzie. Thanks, guys. We love you. So fun to be with you. We love you. Okay. Give everybody a little bit of context of who you are, where you're from, what you do, like the short version of that, so that we can dive into some questions and they have a grid for who you are on the planet.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

I am on the planet. I am from Nashville. I am a labor and delivery nurse. I spent about seven years specializing in maternal fetal medicine, surgical labor and delivery and high risk, and have found myself doing more low-risk labor and taking some time to reset my nervous system in the last year of my life. I've also led an anti-trafficking organization's emergency stabilization program and have delighted in caretaking both little people, adults. I usually do maternal care and fetal care, but have also done some home health and some elderly care. So full spectrum.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

Yes. So McKenzie is a boss of a medical health care professional.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Can I just say one thing? Yeah. Though. Because we were talking earlier and just casually, she was like, Yeah, the place that I worked at recently, we were delivering 500 babies a month. You guys. 500 babies a month.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Just a few. That's not normal. By the way, like when we say McKenzie is a boss of a medical health care professional, this is what we're talking about. Like 500 babies a month in her hospital in Nashville, which was a past season, but still, wow. Hence why she needed to reboot her nervous system. Correct. So yeah, but McKenzie, tell everybody a little bit about what your season has looked like the last couple of years, as far as like you've moved a couple of times, you've changed careers a little bit, you're back to nursing now, but like give them a grid for what you're doing and where.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yeah. So seven years into high-risk medicine, I determined that my nervous system was shot, that I really had no understanding of the limitations within myself. And then it actually was the Lord's will for me to define the limitations with him and to like it says in Job, this far and no further.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Wow, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

And that that is not a biblical concept for me to defy the limits. I was an athlete, and so that was fed to me. Like you overcome, you push. I mean, it's got to be like Nike Reebok taglines of just like defy the limitations. And I was convicted by that and found myself in a place where I only had, my counselor said, you only have one operational mode at this point, and it's as if someone's gonna die. And so what are you gonna do about that? And so I decided to take a sabbatical and went for six months to Denver, Colorado, which ended up being two years of one of the wildest seasons of my life, knowing that if I love this this much, if I love caring for patients in their most life and death critical scenarios, if I can look in the face of a woman in fear and really step in as a wholehearted person, I need to do that for myself and take a sabbatical time. And so I left my job, went and took six months in Colorado to really let the ground rest and really reset and be able to re-enter. If you want a long game play in medicine, attending to your own personal heart and emotional health and your mostly your relationships, like sewing into the health of those and being able to sustain long term. I ended up getting into the anti-trafficking world when I was in that sabbatical space too. So I think taking time to focus on myself and also expand the perimeter of my edges and leadership has created a space for me to re-enter in this season since January of this year. And you can recognize those formation places in yourself. Like, who am I showing up as that is more me than I left with two and a half years ago?

Friendship As A Life Calling

SPEAKER_02 6:27

So good. Guys, you're already hearing like this woman is so solid, so amazing. Kenz, I would love to talk a little bit about you touched on this. The the part of you, the part of us that is created for relationship and for community is undeniable. And as a single woman with a really robust career, you have had to be really intentional about that. And I'd love to hear you talk a little bit about what have been some keys for you to build really life-giving relationships in a season of life where you're single, you're not married, and you're balancing career and you're taking care of your inner world. Like, but I know you and I know that community and friendship has is an absolute like cornerstone for you in life. So tell us a little bit about how you have navigated that. What are some of your intentionalities in friendship and community as a single woman with a career?

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Yeah. I was probably 16 when I was asking the Lord, like, what purpose do you want for my life? I knew I wanted to do medicine at that point. And I knew I loved people. But I remember fixating on the verse in John 15, 13, greater love has none than this than one who lays his life down for his friends.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

And I was like, well, that's a pretty good place to start, Lord. Let's do that. And so I have with the Lord created a filter for friendship in every space that I'm in, knowing that his word says that that is the greatest form of love of us sewing into relationship and friendship. Whether that friendship seems like it will be seasonal in, you know, a travel nursing job assignment, or if that's like long-termers, like I'm looking at you guys, thinking about all the time that I've spent in short form, but in deep, deep form of knowing like these are investments in relationships that will be long-term and eternal. And so finding that that friendship in each space. I remember a a mentor of mine told me when I was young, so where you want to go. And so I've looked at at every space and said, you know, I do want to be married one day. I do want to raise children. I am already a mother. I am already a good friend. How do I create that experience for myself in the stage of life that I'm in, knowing that that will be a part of my life at some point. And for now, how do I invest in those relationships? So in COVID, for instance, I decided to travel nurse and I had the opportunity in Nashville to live with a couple in their newborn, or I could, you know, rent a space and live the single life. And I remember this invitation. It wasn't, it was wordless. It was just this provoking of my heart to do life with people in the midst of something very difficult. COVID was not easy for any of us, and of course, created emotional volatility in so many spaces of discussing in the medical field like, is this right? Is this wrong? How do we know, you know, how to navigate this situation with a newborn and with, you know, we all have parents that were at risk or a friend that was at risk. And I think those are the spaces you got to be brave to choose to do relationship in those really frictive wiggle spaces. But I have found there's some of my longest standing friendships are the ones that we've really had to wrestle with doing seasons together and doing them with integrity and character in the decision making of love.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

When I went through a divorce and eventually got back to the place where I wanted to be married again, one of the things that I started to do, because when I got married the first time I was 18 years old. And your perspective in life is just different at 18 than it is at 27 or 37 or 47, right? As you grow, your perspective gets bigger. And I remember at you know, 27 starting to think, okay, what I've I've been a part of so many different families and relationships and people. And it began to build like a picture for me in my mind of what I was looking for. Yeah. As opposed to 18, I was looking for somebody that made me excited, somebody that was fun. But I didn't have a lot of experiences that I went, okay, I've experienced my mom in these scenarios, I've experienced my best friend's wife in this experience, I've experienced my pastor's relationship with his wife. And so I'm putting pieces together, like being part of so many different families and relationships, like what how has that helped you and how's that shaped kind of what you're looking for and going after in a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Yeah. I think you see, you know, people raise their kids, you see the good, bad, and ugly of marital disputes. You you get challenged with that feeling of like, I would never do something like that, or or the draw of like, I would want to reproduce this. And I think holding a space of tenderness, of you are witnessing it is a gift to be a witness to someone's inner home and remaining in a place of non-judgment and also knowing like there are things that I have seen people do in a marriage, parenting their kids, where you really get to see the outcome of that prior to actually experiencing it and doing it yourself. What a gift to be able to see the fruit of people's children, you know, day in, day out, people's marriage, day in, day out, and to say it is it is such a gift for me to be able to watch them do the real life in in a window that most people don't get. Most people don't get to live with their best friend's husband during a global pandemic and really see. We put would put the kids to bed. And then you're really having hard discussions at night. And then what does it look like for a single woman to be living in the midst of a marriage, those conversations of even the simplicity of like, hey, what are your boundaries around, you know, what what we're talking about in front of your kids? What are your boundaries around, you know, creating a relationship with someone's husband in an in-home, like the intimate setting of home? And I think I have learned that when you really come in honesty with with friendships, with people's children, you're you're breeding something together that is a holy place of really what it looks like to live in the spirit of hospitality. Hospitality is not just the opening of your home, it's the opening of your life, like this home, and displaying what it is that is, you know, the best of you, what is the most frictive places of your, you know, rough edges of what you're bringing into a conversation that might be offensive, or just really living out what like gospel-intended relationship and friendship looks like.

How To Build Community In New Cities

SPEAKER_02 13:56

So good. I I've watched you do something along those lines. I've watched you do something that I think I haven't seen a lot of single people do this with the amount of ease that I feel like I've watched you do it with. But you've lived in three years, you've lived in three different cities and had robust community everywhere you've gone. And everywhere you go, you find yourself in peer friendships. And then you also somehow magically find yourself in these with family friends, with friends that have children. You seem to have like spiritual moms and dads in all the places you go. And a lot of people in their 20s and 30s, who are especially those that are still single, even looking for mentorship. I think people have a hard time finding that. And I hear often people are like, I don't know how to find spiritual moms and dads, or I'm not sure how to even get what like on a very practical level. How do you move to a new city? Right. Like our goal is yeah, I'm single Mackenzie. I'm building a life that I love. I'm powerful in my space. I'm gonna live life to the fullest. I'm gonna drop into Dallas, Texas, where your current nursing assignment is, and I'm going to dot, dot, dot. Like help people practically figure out like, how do you do that and do it so well?

SPEAKER_01 15:17

You do this everywhere you go. You have to actually make yourself available. Like, not just hope that you would have a window of availability. You have to actually block that for yourself. So for instance, if I am out in public or out at church and see a relationship that I am curious about, you have to actually linger. Like allow yourself the opportunity to go up to the person, to ask them to go to coffee, to choose to show up to the invitation. I think a lot of people in their 20s and 30s, they're they're hopeful that those opportunities would come to them. And sometimes they do, but sometimes you have to actually place yourself in the right place at the right time. You have to actually stay long enough to be invited or to wait for that person to have an availability in their schedule three months later and then show up. And I think the full spectrum we know with living, you know, 30, 40 years of life, that that full spectrum of input is so beneficial and it's the way that we're made. And I think it's a mindset shift. Of course, we know that mentorship actually does breed health in us as we are traveling a road that someone's gone before us. But what is it like to open yourself to the voice of a 12-year-old or a six-year-old? And I actually would just start calling them friends. It was something that was really helpful for me in my mindset. So as I'm describing, you know, something that a friend said, I will say, my friend Catherine, who's 11, my friend Avery, who's four. And making your life available to the input and the humility of I can be spoken into by someone who's 60, someone who's four, and someone who's 84. And how does that form me into the person and the friend that I actually want to be?

When Culture Does Not Know Where You Fit

SPEAKER_00 17:06

That's really fun. What do you feel like's been the hardest part of the journey? Like, what's the challenge for you?

SPEAKER_01 17:12

The challenge, I think, is we societally view marriage as the focused intention. So once we get into a marriage, there is this like checked thing that we do of like they've arrived somewhere where now they have maybe reached a space where they could speak into relationship or reached a space where they have achieved the partnership that they've dreamed of. And for single people, there is I have found people have a difficulty relating to that even when they're in marriage. Maybe they got married young, maybe all their friendships now are built around play groups and school connection, and they have a difficult time even pulling that voice or that single person into their space. And so I think the hardest thing for me as a single person is maybe the uncomfortability that I'm met with of not knowing how to include or to not make me feel like I'm without, because my single life is not my plan B. My single life is the most robust active version of me at this time. And do I believe that I'll be married one day and have that season too? Yes. But that is not the season that I'm living in now. And I am as fully me in this space as I will be when I have a partner, as I will be when I have children. And so I think it's bumping up against feeling like our culture is not really sure where to place a single person.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

That is so fascinating and relatable. You know, one of our friends in common is my best friend Summer. And guys, I've talked about her on podcast before, but she's just been married over a year and we turned 40 last year. So she was single into her 40s. And walking through that season with her, I can just echo what Mackenzie said. I I remember her often talking about that. Like she was like you in her intentionality towards community and friendship and being friends with people with families. But that thing you bop up against too in culture, which is like, oh, we're different. Like they're the relatability factor, the know-how of inclusion. Even I think too, you and Summer have this in common. You've found friends whose spouses have done a great job at being friends with you. Yes. And I think that's a skill set that not every man has. Like, I don't my husband does that really well. He's quick to feel sisterly with anybody who matters a lot to me and or brotherly, I should say. But that's what a gift. And I think, but you have to be a really safe person who's very self-aware, who has great boundaries, who has a strong sense of self and autonomy in order to enjoy the benefit of being friends with both men and women as a 30-something single woman. Yeah. What would you say to that as far as like maybe even practically how have you stewarded your inner world to make sure that you're available in friendship to both men and women? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Particularly for my friends' spouses, communicating through the lane of respect first. Like I usually have known her for longer. And then having the man come into the picture and communicating through, like you are everything that I had hoped for to come alongside. And I respect you for your role. It's completely different. And it is actually an availability to me in friendship that I think when I was younger, I just imagined like my friends would get married, and that this counterpart would come in and make her a more exciting or fun or enjoyable version of the person that I've already known. And what I didn't ever expect before walking this journey of like close friendship with him is that he actually is an opportunity for me in one of, you know, my closest friends and closest confidants and people to speak into my life. What does that look like in your inner world to protect and host that? Is operating out of respecting him first as the husband and respecting the fact that you have to come into those spaces knowing that the relationship is going to change, that there's this growing and expanding of bringing a man into the friendship. And also you are learning what it's like to be in a relationship with a man in a healthy way of building. Family and community, and also taking input. Like I love the space that I've received with you guys, even in being here. Of Jay is such a man of integrity and character that I trust. And in building friendship and relationship with that, he, I hope one day is speaking into my husband's life in a way of he knew me before meeting him. And that is it, there's a small window for that. You don't get much of a window for that. But it the investment in that space has become one of the richest parts of my life.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

It's great. Yeah, I've loved it. When I met Lauren, she had such a close group of friends that she had been friends with for her whole life. And that was a big part of us dating. I remember calling Summer and calling Margaret and Mary Fraser while we were dating. And they were grilling me, you know. They were like, Who are you?

SPEAKER_02 22:55

What are you doing with our friends?

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Prove yourself.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Prove yourself.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Yeah. And then in return, it's been so cool because I got to walk with your friends, babe, for a long time. Mary Frazier before she met Lee, Summer before she met Tyler, and just be like such a cool older guy in their life and friend and then them in our lives. And regardless of if you're married or not married, there's such a benefit to having healthy relationships with the opposite sex in the context of, you know, the family. And that's been a really cool relationship for us, for our kids, and and to have you in that a part of that is really cool too. It's it's like the way that a village is supposed to be formed, you know, is we all get to grow and learn and build with one another in a really healthy way.

Stop Waiting And Start Building

SPEAKER_02 23:52

Yeah, I think it's so important that we don't just segregate ourselves from people in different seasons of life. I'm even thinking of some of the, some of, you know, friends of ours that are older than us. I just, like you've said, it's a village. And what's beautiful about it is when you steward those relationships really well, then, you know, for example, when we were raising young kids, my single friend Summer was so available to come and be a part of our world and to pour into my kids. And they've always called our Aunt Summer. And now she's married. And Jason gets the opportunity to walk her down the aisle because she, her dad had passed away. And he's been one of her closest male friendships for over a decade. And, you know, hopefully they'll have children someday that we get to, you know, there's just this reciprocal, very like there's there's cycles of life inside of community. And when we don't segregate ourselves and learn how to do relationship really beautifully together, there's just so much richness there and so many layers. Okay, Ken's last question. If you were gonna give a piece of advice to another person in your season of life, like what something that you would just want to kind of shout from the rooftops, like, guys, listen up. Here's the deal. Like, what would you say?

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I see so many people looking for signs to do the next thing. And whether that's from the Lord or from, you know, something working out well for them, they're looking for signs to say yes. And I wish people really connected with your desires are when submitted to the Lord, your desires are his. And you being alive is probably your sign to do it rather than waiting for something to fall into place. Like, get active. Go form the life that you've been dreaming of with the Lord, whether you're married, whether you have young kids, whether you are, you know, sending your kids off into the next stage, whether you're single, you have everything that you need to create the life that you've dreamed of in the now.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

That's great. So good. Yeah, I think that that's really true. That it's it's not hard to turn and steer a car that's moving, but it's really hard to shift a vehicle that's just sitting there. And we get so caught up in would God want me to do this? Does he not want me to do this? Am I making the right decision? Am I not making the right decision? Instead of like, hey, live a life devoted to the Lord and have good wisdom and counsel in your life, but also take risks, move forward.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Try to build something that you enjoy. Let something fail, learn from it. And because that's really, I mean, even whether you're single or whether you're married, it's still the same thing. It is, I'm still having to set my sights towards okay, Lauren and I are married, but that like that doesn't take away my desire to go after something else and to chase something else and to build something else. And so that that question of should I be doing this? Is this the right thing? Like, that's always there for us. And learning how to be decisive and make good, healthy decisions with the Lord. And then also live inside of community. So I I think that's the other piece when it's when it comes to, I was talking to a young man in my life recently, and I was just saying, like, hey, if if you'll allow somebody to mentor you, you are gonna make better decisions quicker and you're gonna get a better result. And so I think to tag along to what you're saying, I think that if if people could get more input on the season that they're in, they make better decisions quicker.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Yeah. And I think that's been something that has probably formed me most in my years of living with family is being open for feedback and actually seeking and desiring that. Saying, will you give me feedback on what you're witnessing in my day-to-day life as a married couple, as a couple that could be parents to me, as someone who's witnessing my interactions with your kids and having the humility to be open to that feedback.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

So cool.

SPEAKER_02 28:16

This was a lot of wisdom, folks. I hope you took a couple notes. I'm actually feel like I just got some clarity on something from my own life, like hearing Mackenzie and Jason go back and forth. So very rich, very good conversation. Thanks, Ken's, for being on the podcast with us today.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Thanks for having me and hosting me this weekend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

We love you. Okay, guys, we will circle back next time. Have a great week.