Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons

147. Preparing for Marriage, Not Just a Wedding

• Jason and Lauren Vallotton

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Getting engaged is exciting, but a healthy marriage starts long before the wedding day.

In this episode, Jason and Lauren Vallotton unpack the conversations, decisions, and preparations that can help couples build a strong foundation before saying “I do.” From navigating family dynamics and wedding planning stress to discussing sex, finances, faith, and expectations, they share practical wisdom for engaged couples and the people who love them.

They explore why community input matters, how premarital counseling can uncover blind spots, and why competency—not just chemistry—is essential for building a thriving marriage. They also discuss the importance of developing the emotional, spiritual, and practical capacity needed to carry the weight of the life you’re asking God to give you.

Whether you’re engaged, dating seriously, or supporting someone who is, this episode offers helpful guidance for preparing for a marriage that’s built to last.

In this episode:
 • The pre-engagement conversations every couple should have
 • Why community input is a gift, not a threat
 • Healthy ways to talk about sex before marriage
 • Keeping wedding planning from damaging your relationship
 • The value of premarital counseling and marriage assessments
 • Navigating expectations from parents and in-laws
 • Why it’s wise to spend money where you lack skills
 • What couples should focus on before the wedding day
 • Building confidence through competency and preparation
 • Developing the load-bearing capacity needed for marriage

If you know someone who is engaged or preparing for marriage, send them this episode.

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Welcome And Why Episodes Shift

SPEAKER_04

We're the Balatons and we are passionate about people.

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Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

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But that's not always what comes easiest.

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We know this because of our wide range of personal experience as well as our years of working with people.

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So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family, and parenting to encourage, entertain, and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome back, everyone, to dates, mates and babies with the Valatins. It's great to be with you guys.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. Happy spring, everybody. It's beautiful out here in Reading. And listen, you might have noticed that we're doing episodes about every other week at this stage. We're gonna tell you why here in just a moment. It's been a bit of a full spring here in the Valetin Home, but we're excited about our episode today because we're going to be talking about wedding prep. Payo. Now, let me tell you how this came about. For starters, we had a friend from Germany write in and ask us some awesome questions about kind of that engagement season and wedding preparation. And we got so excited about it because our very own daughter, Miss Riley Valatin, is getting married on June 7th of this year to the awesome Logan Mittag. So we thought, you know what? Yes, let's talk about wedding prep because it's on the mind. And guys, if you've ever married off a kid, you know it's a lot of work. We've been very busy. Jason was mowing the wedding venue.

SPEAKER_02

You shouldn't marry off kids, by the way.

SPEAKER_04

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02

Adults, adult kids.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, marry off your adult children, not your small children. That's illegal. Um, yeah. Jason was spent uh Saturday mowing the venue with Riley's fiance, and we're kind of coming down to the wire here. So very fun, very top of mind subject matter. So we're gonna dive into these awesome questions that came in. Ready, babe?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I cleared a bunch of poison oak this weekend, too.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, as you were mowing the wedding venue.

SPEAKER_02

And I didn't get any.

SPEAKER_04

That's great.

SPEAKER_02

I know. That's really good. All right, here we go.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

Pre-Engagement Talks That Matter

SPEAKER_04

So the first question that came in about wedding prep was what are some very important subjects couples should intentionally talk about before getting engaged?

SPEAKER_02

Well, there's so many of them.

SPEAKER_04

There are. Let's just think through a few and and list out the important ones.

SPEAKER_02

All right. For me, the the first one is you have to talk about your faith.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Because honestly, if you don't talk about your faith, then really that's the foundation for everything that you do. And not just so here's where I think it needs to get deeper is not just do you believe in God, but what do you believe about God and how do you want to live your life? Yeah. And how, like at what level of surrender do you live your life to God? Yeah. And is there is a spectrum. Yeah, there's a massive spectrum. And so I've I've just seen it so many times. I've seen people get married and they be what the Bible would call unequally yoked in a very massive way. Yeah. Thinking that their relationship with one another is gonna be enough. But it's not. The your relationship with God is the foundation for everything. And so for starters, I think they have to dive deep into that.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I love that. Uh, I think it's also really important, and this might sound like a no-brainer, but the thing is, is people can start dating. Maybe you meet in college, maybe you're off on the mission field, you meet somebody, you feel like you connect amazingly. You're not worried at all about anything else because you guys have such a good time together. And you kind of forget to have some of those basic conversations just about family of origin and kind of what your normals are. We had one of our very first episodes in our podcast, it's like one or two, is on your normal, where we really talk about that's like such a foundation for emotional and relational health, is understanding your family of origin, where you've come from, and how that has wired you a certain way. So you need a really good understanding before you get engaged to somebody about somebody's family of origin and the normal they came from. Not even just the normal they want to create, but where they came from. It it's like a blueprint on somebody's life and it really wires them up for how they live and operate and how they see the world. It's massively important conversation.

SPEAKER_02

Well, and also what your expectations are, because if you have a normal, like for instance, in my home, the women did the inside cleaning and the laundry and those things, and the men did the outside, yeah, which is fine. Yeah, except for I didn't even know how to do laundry. I didn't have there was no expectation when I first got married that I would do laundry, that I would cook and clean. Yeah. And you can imagine if you grew up in a home that was different, a more shared partnership, the pain year after year after year of he doesn't even have this.

SPEAKER_04

It feels like your husband doesn't contribute.

SPEAKER_02

To yeah, to the inside for sure. Right. And then these expectations, and that's just a dumb, small one. Yeah. But these expectations if lead to pain. And you know, how did your how did your parents emotionally connect? Those are the kinds of questions that what was your normal? Yeah. What is your normal?

SPEAKER_04

What did you watch growing up that whether you realize it or not? You know, every kid gets to that. I remember going off to college being like, wait, I'm living with other people now for the first time, I'm away from my family. And I realize, oh, the way my family did something is not the way every family does it. Oh, wow. People come from all kinds of different families. It's true. And even I mean, that makes for a wild roommate situation, much less, you know, a marriage. So that is a hugely important conversation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And we always revert back to our origin when we get stressed.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

If we're not when you're under pressure. Yeah, if we're not really trained and looking at that. So even arguing, what was your family? Your normals are massive.

SPEAKER_04

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So diving into what a conflict looked like for your parents.

SPEAKER_04

What it was, did you yell in your home?

SPEAKER_01

Did you, you know, did everybody yell in your home?

SPEAKER_04

Maybe. We definitely raised our voices. Yeah, and we did more than the valetins did, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

So different. All right.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. Okay. So not only your family of origin, but another thing really important to talk about is your vision for family in the future. And I say again, this might sound like a no-brainer, but I know couples who didn't talk enough about whether they wanted children before marriage and they got into marriage and figured out what you only want one child, or you don't want children. Or, you know, so your vision for how you want to grow and raise a family, you want to be on the same page about that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. You need to take a deep dive into your past. Anything in your past that you are unwilling to talk about is going to be a massive pain point at some point. It's going to be a place of deep contention because there's a reason why you don't want to talk about it. Yeah. There's shame, there's guilt, there's conviction, there's condemnation, whatever. But if your partner hasn't made peace with your past, then you shouldn't marry them. If you don't tell your partner about your past, then in a lot of ways you're betraying them.

SPEAKER_04

Absolutely. You're not giving them a fair decision-making ground.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, I've had a lot of marriages where one person finds out, oh, I'm married to somebody who's a sex addict, or I'm marrying to some to somebody who cheated multiple times on their girlfriends or boyfriends, and it creates so much pain inside of marriage.

SPEAKER_04

A lot of mistrust.

SPEAKER_02

If you're truly redeemed from your past, if it really is the past and not the present, then you'll be able to walk them through and build a lot of trust with this was my crazy past. This was my life that was terrible, or these were the mistakes that I made, or this is what was done to me, and this is how it affected me. Somebody needs to be able to answer lots, ask lots and lots of questions about that.

Community Input And Sex Conversations

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. The next one that comes to mind for me is talk about your desire for community and input. This is big because you want to be on the same page with the person you're gonna marry about what's the role of other people in our life? What do we want to build when it comes to friendships and community? What do we want to build with regards to mentorship or even like spiritual moms and dads or just input in general? If your boyfriend or your girlfriend doesn't have people in their life who are inputting into their life who are older and wiser, I mean, that's always a red flag for me. But if you're the kind of person that really highly values input and help and your partner doesn't really know how to do that or hasn't done that well or is scared of asking for input, I just think your vision for shared relationships and what it looks like to operate inside of community, you want to at least talk about that before you get engaged.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I think one that Christians don't often talk about is sexual expectations.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And what is okay? What's that?

SPEAKER_04

Do you think this is a conversation for pre-engagement or engagement?

SPEAKER_02

That's a good question. I think that you should be seriously dating. I don't know that you have to be engaged. And obviously, you don't have to get super explicit or anything like that. But I do think that talking through sexual expectations and I think in dating, in expectations is the wrong word.

SPEAKER_04

I think you need to know somebody's sexual past. And I think you need to know you need to be on the same page about what purity looks like to you and what sex inside of marriage covenant looks like. You want to make sure you're on the same page about that. I would say in engagement, it's great to talk about sexual expectations. Would you disagree?

SPEAKER_02

Um I just think that you're gonna run across at some point someone. The especially because of whatever their norm was at home with talking through this topic, that someone somewhere is gonna go, I feel really afraid of you know, sex and marriage, or my family never talked about sex and marriage, or I think a woman shouldn't have to like you need you need to talk about the theology around that piece, and I don't know. So the reason why I think saving it, and we're just going back and forth, we didn't talk about these questions ahead of time, but potentially if you're engaged to be married, there's a lot of pressure moving towards that finish line. And I just think if you're seriously dating and you start to talk about what is your theology around sex, what is your belief system around sex? What do you think is normal for a married couple? That's a very mature conversation to have. And I think it leaves a lot of room for a couple to obviously not dive into sex, the physical aspect of it, but to be able to debate and to kind of pause on that subject for a minute and make sure that they have the same type of expectation. Obviously, getting married, you're gonna what you want and what you think and what's reality, you know, you'll have to work at to create a beautiful sex life. But I do think that there's a difference between talking about sex and and your theology and your belief system and sexualizing the conversation about sex.

SPEAKER_04

Oh, yeah. I think having that conversation inside of a seriously dating relationship is probably a good idea. Yeah. And then once you are engaged, having a conversation usually with like whether you're in premarital counseling or with some a trusted mentor, having the a conversation around sexual expectations in marriage is brilliant. I think that conversation waits till engagement.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's great.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

Keeping Wedding Planning Peaceful

SPEAKER_04

The next question she asked was Do you have any thoughts, wisdom, or practical tips for wedding preparation and the engagement season?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah. I'll give some and then you're you are like way steep in this conversation. Yeah. Because of what you're doing with Rye and helping her a bunch. My thought is everyone needs to just calm down for a second and remember that the wedding day is a start.

SPEAKER_04

That's right.

SPEAKER_02

It's not a finish line. And your wedding is supposed to be this beautiful place, the celebration of you two joining together, making a covenant, blending families, and beginning a journey of figuring out marriage. And I think often what it becomes is this really stressful, challenging, overwhelming, I can't wait till this is done scenario. And I think and often rushed, it's very rushed. It's like, we're getting married next month. And how long you've been dating? Four months. It's like, okay, everybody just calm down from it. This is forever. Yeah. And it's not gonna be perfect. It it doesn't like there's a lot of details that matter, and then there's a lot of details that don't matter. Yeah. The question, the real question is, what do you want to feel in planning? What do you want the planning to produce? What do you want to experience at your wedding? What do you want your guests to experience? At the end of this, what do you want this to, what do you want to be said about this time? And if it's, man, I want it to bring us closer. I want this to be a peaceful but bonding time for us. And that changes how you it changes the pace and the speed and the decisions that you make. I also see people sometimes make financial decisions that put them in a really hard place moving forward into their marriage. And it's like, again, I don't know that maxing out your credit cards for a couple if you don't have good support support from your parents is a great way to start your marriage. I think that maybe maybe wait a little bit more, maybe save more time. But my only thought is this is a starting point.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

This isn't the finish line.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, it's really good. Yeah, you know, I think I I said this a little bit already, but in engagement season, if you haven't done it in a season when you're seriously dating, then engagement, you know, marital premarital counseling feels like an absolute must to me in the engagement season if you haven't

Premarital Counseling And Assessments

SPEAKER_04

already done it. There is a lot that can happen, you know, there's a lot of really good conversations that are catalyzed by a premarital counseling session.

SPEAKER_02

And I would say Yeah, can I make just one suggestion there? Is I think that the prepare and rich assessment or some assessment like that is vital. And here's why is it's gonna take you through, I think, 300 questions and it's gonna look at your answers versus her answers or his answers, and then it's gonna see it's measuring agreement or disagreement. It's not measuring whether or not you guys are compatible for one another, right? But then it's gonna bring up and highlight the obvious places where you agree a lot and where you disagree a lot and what are gonna be pain points, and even if you're too what's the word I can't think of the word, well, idealistic, where you're like everything's gonna be amazing, there's not gonna be any problems.

SPEAKER_04

Measures agreement, idealism, and it also marries uh measures satisfaction. Yeah. So, like, how happy are you with this part of your relationship?

SPEAKER_02

Lauren and I have done lots and lots and lots of things.

SPEAKER_04

Facilitated that assessment like hundreds of times. And we also have taken the assessment, and I will tell you in our premarital assessment.

SPEAKER_02

That's how I got her better.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. In our premarital assessment, we did the prepare enrich assessment, and it's it was it's still true. Like the hardest parts of our relationship were identified in our premarital assessment.

SPEAKER_02

And those 16 years ago, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

That's still it's those are still the hard parts for us. Those are still where we tend to disagree, or we have differences that are hard to, you know. I mean, obviously, we've 16 years in, we've we've gotten a lot better at reconciling our differences, but it's very helpful to have a third party identify for you the things that you feel happening in your relationship, but you may or may not know how to put words to it exactly, or this, you know, this dynamic that always comes up is dot, dot, dot. And the premarriage assessments really help you identify what that thing is. And it gives you great information to make good decisions about. And it may it puts on paper kind of what's just in your in your mind. One thing that I would recommend too with premarital counseling, I would really suggest that it's not just you sitting down with like a mentor or a pastor who just asks you questions. I I really highly recommend going through premarital counseling that includes material that has homework and discussions that you can go away and talk through and then come back and report. So if I'm looking to get married, I want something that feels very comprehensive. I don't want it, I don't want to risk like just it being a good conversation with a pastor. I would want to work through some material together. I would want some, you know, topics that we cover thoroughly. And I would want my premarital counseling to include a marriage assessment, a couple's assessment.

SPEAKER_02

Here's another thing that I think would be really helpful for a lot of people. If your family dynamics with your in-laws or your parents are challenging, I think that you should get a coach for the wedding planning season. And because, especially if you have an opinionated mom or dad on either one of those sides, because a family coach is going to help you tremendously navigate through, you know, feeling controlled, feeling overwhelmed, being pressured, how to have those conversations in a way that bring you guys together. Yeah. And if there's a way that the coach can get introduced to the family ahead of time, like, hey, in this season, I really want this to go amazing. I'm gonna pull someone to help us, help guide us through maybe some tough conversations or whatever. Brilliant. That's even better.

SPEAKER_04

Honestly, you know, when we got married, my

Navigating Parents And In-Law Pressure

SPEAKER_04

mom and I were really close. We, my mom and I got closer even after Jason and I got married. I think part of that had to do with the fact when we got married, I took my dynamic. I took on three kids. What?

SPEAKER_02

That was mine. That was me. I drew your mom closer.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. She did love Jason so much. I think it's because you never need your mom more than when you have kids of your own. So I think, you know, when I became a stepmom, I just discovered my need for a parent myself, like increased by a hundred percent. So we got a lot closer after I got married. But even, you know, pre-marriage, my mom and I were close. We've always been close. And yet the engagement season was really hard on our relationship. It was very challenging. She had a lot of ideas about what was, quote, normal for weddings. She was, she's a very traditional person by nature, and she likes things to be done well, and she cares deeply that other people think they're done well. And so she had a lot of opinions about what I was doing in planning my wedding. And I, we had a lot of conflict. And I would say we had more conflict than I would have expected from a mom and a daughter who were close. And so I always tell people like, make decisions about wedding planning in order to protect your most important relationships. For example, you know, there's things that I really cared about. And then there's things that I didn't super care about. And if my mom had a strong opinion about things that I didn't care about, I was fine with her, you know, going her route. Essentially, I think it's important to decide ahead of time what relationships you're trying to protect, make decisions accordingly.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_04

Is there anything else, babe, about wedding prep or engagement season that you think is really important to keep in mind?

SPEAKER_02

I do.

Spend Money Where You Lack Skills

SPEAKER_02

Assess the areas in which you are not strong. That are gonna cause a lot of pain and spend money or recruit somebody for that area. I'll give you an example.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

If you're if neither one of you are really gifted at organizing and keeping things spreadsheets, organized, that type of stuff, you're gonna it's gonna be very painful, the planning portion of it. If you're expected to do a large portion of the planning.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And so I think that's where put money in the areas that are actually gonna bring you the biggest reward. Uh-huh. The biggest reward. And so a wedding planner, if you can afford it, if you can't, then you need to recruit a friend that's really gifted in that area. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Weddings are a lot of work.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. If your friend isn't gifted in that area, don't put anybody in a spot just because they're your friend that's not going to execute. Yeah. Because it's going to be really painful for you. So yeah, for sure. Those are my those are my tips.

SPEAKER_04

Absolutely.

What To Do Before Marriage

SPEAKER_04

Okay. I really like this last question. Before getting married, what are some things you'd suggest doing, learning, or experiencing in that last season of life where you're not fully yet tied down? So I think we could zoom out a little bit and go, okay, even this is a great question for people who are single. This is a great question for people who are dating or maybe you're engaged. But in general, what should we be doing, learning, or experiencing pre-marriage that you can't really do the same way once you're married? I think it's a great question.

SPEAKER_02

You have a thought?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I have a few thoughts.

SPEAKER_02

I think what if we disagree on this?

SPEAKER_04

We we can argue, but let's say you are in a dating relationship or you're engaged. This is this has less to do with like before you get tied down. It has more to do with just what I think prepares you for a great decision about marriage. I always tell people you should date long enough that you've had several really big conflicts before you even think about getting engaged. You want to know what it's like to walk through something hard with your partner, a big disagreement, an area where you, you know, you have very different ideas about what's normal, whatever the conflict might be. It's really healthy and very good to practice conflict resolution before marriage. So I'm not saying go pick a fight. Yeah. I am saying date long enough that that comes up because it will if you date long enough. Some people are like, we just don't have a lot of conflict in our relationship. I'm like, okay, well, you might, you this is where you could get some good marital counseling, premarital counseling, and let them ask you all the right questions that will that will shine light on your differences that you may or may not have been willing to look at because you've been in the la la land of you know dating bliss. I think having good conflict beforehand is super important.

Building Confidence And Competency

SPEAKER_02

For me, this the answer to for me to this question is anything that builds confidence and competency. So I like that. Yeah, plan a whole excursion and execute it. Deal with the conflicts that come from doing something really, really hard and challenging. Go work on a farm, learn good work ethic.

SPEAKER_04

Wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Hold down a regular job for a long period of time, even one that you don't like. Yes, grow your way up through the ranks somewhere. You know, learn how to serve another person's vision.

SPEAKER_04

I like that a lot.

SPEAKER_02

To me, it's zero has to do with like, oh, I should go skydive before I'm married, or I should go do X, Y. Like, I because marriage is going to be this place where I don't have a lot of adventure and fun. Negative.

SPEAKER_04

No, that's it shouldn't be that way.

SPEAKER_02

Uh-uh. No. Mine is all what builds a great partner.

SPEAKER_04

I love that.

SPEAKER_02

What builds a great man or a great woman. And it's all around can you can you be on a wild adventure and have a skill set that makes you successful in that? That's marriage. It's long suffering, it's joy when things are tough, it's quick decision making, it's sticking to a decision that you've made, it's being resourceful, it's taking ownership and responsibility, it's telling the truth. So whatever in your life is gonna do that for you.

SPEAKER_04

I think that's brilliant. I love that answer. Do in life what builds confidence and competency. That's so true because ultimately, you want before you meet the person you want to marry, you want to know what you have to offer. Both men and women want to know what they have to offer. And, you know, we tell single people all the time, we we said this in our last episode with our friend Mackenzie. You know, our we coach people that you should build a life you love in singlehood. And part of building a life you love and are proud of is growing in your confidence and your competencies in all these different areas. It's wonderful to know what you bring to the table in a relationship.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, the other side is the satisfaction in life, most satisfaction in life comes from your ability to feel like you can navigate it no matter what happens, right? So otherwise you're just afraid in life. You're like, oh shoot, I hope this doesn't break, or I hope you know, you want to be somebody that feels confident and competent in life. Like I can do life well.

SPEAKER_04

You know, something that I've seen in marriage, it doesn't matter the age of people who who get married. When you're single, when you are a believer and you're single, it's depending on your

Faith Plus Load-Bearing Capacity

SPEAKER_04

personality, you can get away with a lot of things because you can label a lot of experiences in life or a lot of, you know, you take a risk, it doesn't quite work out. Our faith in God to see us through is of primary importance. Obviously, that is really, really important, but God sets a standard for us that we would also grow in competency. Jesus himself grew in favor with man and with God. He grew in stature and favor. And the our ability to grow up. And as we grow up, we gain confidence by stewarding things well. We grow in competence by practicing and stewarding things really well. Like that is a standard that God has for us. So when you're single, you can get away with a lot of things going squarely in life and just it doesn't affect anybody but you. But when you get married, all your decisions, all of your efforts, all of your work or all of your laziness impact somebody else, not just you. And so when it's before marriage that we want to practice our faith in the Lord, partnered with our ability to carry a load, our ability to grow our capacity, to stretch our tent pegs, to ready ourselves for more, to steward the small things God's given us. And if we don't practice that before marriage, it can be very intimidating for you to get into a relationship where somebody else is dependent on you. It can also feel real like an insecure place for someone who's coming in not knowing, like, well, what is their load-bearing capacity? What do they know how to, you know, move through? I've seen couples struggle hard when they get married and one partner has a different idea about the type of load somebody should be able to carry. It's true. That is a challenge at times. So I think you're right. Confidence and competency is huge.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

That is a brilliant answer.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04

I don't even have any more to add to that.

SPEAKER_02

Awesome.

Send It To Engaged Friends

SPEAKER_02

Well, me neither. This is good advice, guys.

SPEAKER_04

Logan, we love you.

SPEAKER_02

Congrats. Thanks for the episode.

SPEAKER_04

And to all of our other friends out there might be listening who are prepping for a wedding or maybe thinking about engagement.

SPEAKER_02

Listen, send this episode to somebody who is. Yeah. Absolutely. All right, guys. We love you. Have an incredible week. We'll see you next week.