Ep 82: Executive Function Series #4 Emotional Control

In this deep-dive episode of our executive function series, I share the transformative moment that changed my emotional reactivity and the practical strategies that helped me go from explosive to calm, even in triggering situations.

📌 Key Topics:

• My personal journey with emotional dysregulation in relationships
• The critical connection between emotional control and other executive functions
• Why suppressing emotions is like holding a beach ball underwater
• How naming emotions creates the pause that prevents reactivity
• Breaking free from negative thought spirals with simple redirection
• The power of processing emotions in real-time rather than bottling them up

🗣️ Featured Quote: "I remember the exact moment that I caught myself before reacting for the first time. That pause changed everything."

💡 Strategy Breakdown:

• Name the emotion to ground yourself and gain clarity
• Use the "Or I could be thinking" technique to break thought spirals
• Process with unfiltered thought downloads using the "AND" technique
• Try tapping for anxiety and emotional regulation support

🎯 Coming Up Next: Join us next week as we continue our executive function series with more practical strategies.

🔑 Key Takeaway: Emotional control isn't about suppressing feelings—it's about developing awareness, creating space between trigger and response, and responding intentionally rather than reacting impulsively.

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Transcript

Welcome to part four of the executive function series. This week we are talking about emotional control.

I used to feel completely out of control emotionally, especially with the people that I loved the most. With my husband, I would lash out, assume the worst, and get angry so fast. And with my kids I'd yell. And then I feel awful afterwards. And in those moments, I felt like I had no control over how I was acting.

The emotions came so fast and I was already in it before I even knew what was happening. But something shifted. I remember the exact moment that I caught myself before reacting for the first time. And today, I want to share with you what helped me go from reactive to calm, even in moments that used to send me spiraling.

So ADHD experts emphasize that emotional self-regulation is a core part of executive function. Emotional control is deeply connected to other executive functions like problem solving and cognitive flexibility. When one area is challenged, it can make emotional regulation even harder in high stress situations. Rather than trying to suppress emotions. Experts suggest using structured strategies to improve self-awareness and response control, which is exactly what we're going to cover today.

So back to my story. One day I found that one of my children had skipped ten math assignments.

my immediate reaction was to get angry. I could feel it coming, the frustration rising. But right in the middle of it, I stopped and I thought. Does anger make sense in this situation? Now, this is not something I would have had that pause to do in the past.

But that pause changed everything. And what was happening at the time, as I was getting coach, I was in self coaching scholars with the Life Coach school and I got to go to these 20 minute sessions and they were once a week at that time and then they they became twice a week. And when I first showed up to these sessions, they would ask me how I felt about things.

And I really had no vocabulary for beyond, like, happy, mad, sad. I had no vocabulary beyond that. And so I was showing up to these sessions and I was naming my feelings. So that's one thing that we're going to talk about first. But in this story, I realized I wasn't actually angry. What I was was scared. It was fear that I was actually feeling.

I was afraid that if this child skipped schoolwork, they wouldn't grow into the responsible adult that I hoped they would be. The fear was running the show, and the second that I named it, the anger disappeared. Instead of yelling, I was able to say, okay, the expectation is that you do your assignments. How are you going to fix this?

And I believe that they came up with a plan to do extra assignments every day until they were caught up. And that's the first thing that helped me. So tool number one, name the emotion. When you name an emotion, you ground yourself in the moment. I didn't realize it before, but every time I lost control emotionally, it was because I was reacting to something I hadn't fully processed yet.

Experts recommend identifying emotions as a key step towards regaining control. When you name the emotion, you get clarity and you validate how you feel. And once you do that, you can question it is fear, reality? Is the thought actually true? And from there, you can move forward in ways that make sense for the situation. And just back to this exact situation that we were talking about, what I discovered when I asked myself those questions was I had no way of knowing that because of ten math assignments, this child's not going to grow up into a functioning adult.

And then once I kind of said that, I thought, well, how ridiculous is that, really? Skipping ten math assignments is going to make them go to prison. Like, it became kind of silly. And by not reacting the way I had in the past, that child was able to think more clearly and come up with a good plan. So tool number two is one I love.

So sometimes emotion spirals so fast. One thought leads to another and suddenly you're deep into a thought loop that feels impossible to escape. And I really think of this as like a downward spiral when a jet is like going down that spiral that happens sometimes. That's how our thoughts feel that are causing, like, big emotions. Now, here is a tool that I use with myself and my clients, and it's so easy and so quick to do.

Or I could be thinking, and it works like this. You're caught in a thought that's leading to big emotions and you say to yourself, or I could be thinking, and you finish it with something just a little bit better, and then you do it again and you do it again and that thing that you finish it with has to also be true.

Usually by the third time the spiral breaks and you step out of the emotion and into a different perspective. This is a simple in the moment tool that has helped me so much. So tool number three dot downloads. I have kind of a funny story about that. Downloads. I was sitting on my bed and I was doing a thought download and my husband was behind me and he was kind of looking over my shoulder, looking at what I was writing.

And at a certain point he was like, That's what's going on inside your head. And I just said, Hey, if you don't want to know what's going on in there, don't, don't read my stuff. But with your thought downloads, you want to have no filter. And

It's one of my favorite ways to process emotions before they take over. So here's how it works. You write down every single thought and feeling you're having. You don't add it, you don't filter. You be as petty, angry or upset as you actually feel it's all valid.

This might even be not something about somebody else. It might be just about you and how you're feeling about your ability to do something. And then you look at what stands out to You pick a thought and get curious. Is this thought true? What else could be true? Is this thought actually helping me? And if you tend to dismiss your own negative feelings, hold space for both.

And I call this the and and an example might be I'm upset with my friend and I care for them very much. It doesn't have to be either or both can be true the and I have a client I have several clients actually, and I do this myself when I get coached where I am very logical. Right. And when you're getting coached about things that aren't necessarily logical and you're a very logical person, you can tend to know what the right answers are and not hold space for what you're actually feeling or what you're actually thinking.

And so I like to kind of pull my clients back with the and you're feeling both things. You're feeling that logical part that, you know, makes sense, but you're also feeling angry or upset or resentful about this certain thing. And so putting that and in there you're there's something negative and there's something positive or neutral about it. So a big misconception with your emotions is that suppressing emotions equals control.

It does not.

It's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. You can push it down for only so long before it burst back up and experts warn that suppressing emotions leads to increase impulsivity and emotional outbursts later. And I think we all know this to be true, right?

You think you're being good by holding something and so maybe somebody made you upset or said something rude and you're just you're just going to ignore it. You're just going to let it go. You're going to move on right? You're pushing the beach ball under the water. And then especially with like teenagers, then they say something else and then they say something else.

Or maybe this is a partner or a friend or something like that, and you just kind of keep pushing it down and you're not going to turn it into a big deal and then boom, you explode over something very small. And now they're confused and you're not acting in the way you want to be acting. That's not control, That's bottling it up.

That's taking the soda with the lid partially on and shaking it up until it explodes. Right. That is not what we want. Instead, we can process emotions in real time so that they don't pile up.

Something that I'm personally trying is tapping. This is something I tried a few years ago. I really enjoyed it. It really helps with anxiety, anger. There's lots of specific things that they will walk you through in the app.

It's called the Tapping Solution. This is just something I'm personally trying. It's not something I'm promoting, but for me it makes me feel very grounded. And you are tapping on certain areas of your body. And for my ADHD brain, that's a really nice distraction from what's going on. Keeps me grounded in the moment and paying attention. And they have guided sessions so they will take you through.

And in the app they also will track your minutes, your minutes that you've tapped and your streaks. How long have you been tapping in a row? How many days in a row? And so this is something that, you know, I'm bringing back in and is new, but something I really enjoy for emotional regulation. It also helps with. I still do deal.

It's a lot better, but I still will occasionally deal with sleeping. Anxiety and tapping is really great for that to

All right. That is what I have for you guys this week. I hope you are enjoying this executive function series and try one strategy today. Which of these strategies feels doable for you right now?

If you're on YouTube, let me know in the comments what you're going to try or if you're familiar with tapping to

like and subscribe and hit the bell for a more ADHD friendly strategies. If you're on the podcast, I'd love it if you'd rate and review on iTunes, bring all the ADHD brains together,

and let's build real emotional control not by suppressing but by understanding and responding differently.

I'll see you guys next week.