Ep 124 - 6 Things to Stop Saying Today to Feel Better With ADHD

There are six words and phrases that ADHDers use every single day — and they're quietly making your ADHD worse. Not because they're bad words, but because every time you say them, you're reinforcing shame, overwhelm, and limitation without even realizing it.

In this episode, Coach Mande John shares the exact words she's worked hard to remove from her own vocabulary and what she's replaced them with instead. These small language shifts create less pressure, more possibility, and a lot more self-compassion.

In this episode you'll learn:

• Why "should" keeps you focused on who you're not instead of what's possible
• How replacing "have to" with "get to" instantly reframes any task
• The reason Mande stopped using the word "busy" years ago
• The one tiny word that turns "I can't" into an open door
• What to say instead of "I don't know" to keep your brain curious
• How to stop turning temporary feelings into permanent identity labels

🎁 Grab the free ADHD Language Reset Guide at learntothrivewithadhd.com/6words

ADHD is challenging enough. We don't need our language making it harder.

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Transcript

Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD. This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD like symptoms. I'm your host coach, Maddie John. I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier. Let's get started.

There are a handful of words that ADHD ers use every single day that are making their ADHD worse, not because the words themselves are bad, but because every time we say them we're reinforcing stress, overwhelm, shame, and limitation. And the crazy thing is, most of us don't even realize we're doing it.

One thing I know about ADHD brains, and I know this is true for mine, is that we're really good at finding problems. We're really good at finding what's unfinished, what's for got, what's missing, what's not working, and sometimes what's wrong with us.

ADHD is already hard enough without helping our brains do more of that.

Now, I'm not saying that changing a few words is going to magically change your life, but I do think the words we use shape the way we experience our lives.

If I spend all day telling myself that I'm busy, then I can't. That I don't know or that I should,

If we use these words. What we do is we start to make these things true.

Our brains start looking for evidence to support them, and that's not helping.

And I don't just do this for me. I suggest these things to my kids, my clients, even my spouse. It's actually a beautiful bonding thing. When my husband takes some of these things and starts noticing how much happier some people in the world would be if they would just change their experience. Maybe an employee or somebody he knows.

It's just so much fun to watch that happen. So today I want to share the six words and phrases that I've tried really hard to eliminate from my vocabulary and what I've replaced them with instead.

and if you'd like a simple printable that goes along with today's episode, I've created one for you. I'll tell you later how to get that. It's called the ADHD Language Reset, and it includes all six words why they matter and what to say instead.

It's a great thing to stick on your fridge, your desk, or even your bathroom mirror as a reminder. So don't worry about writing everything down while you're listening. I'll tell you how to get it all at the end of the episode. The first one is should. I think should is one of the biggest sources of shame for people.

We already spend so much time feeling behind. We tell ourselves that we should be further along. We should be more organized. We should start sooner. We should do better. Every time we say should. We're measuring ourselves against some standard, and half of the time we don't even know where that standard came from. Maybe it's something that we learned growing up.

Maybe it's something that we picked up from social media. Maybe it's something that we've made up entirely.

Instead of asking myself what I should do, I try to replace should with can.

Should feels heavy. It feels like judgment. It reminds me of all the things I'm not doing, but can feels different. Can reminds me that I have choices. I can go for a walk. I can make a phone call. I can spend ten minutes on the thing that I've been avoiding. Sure, it keeps me focused on what I haven't done.

Can helps me see what's possible and gives me a way to move forward.

This one was a surprisingly big shift for me. When I tell myself I have to do something, everything feels heavier again. It feels like an obligation, like pressure. And while certainly there are things in life that we are responsible for, I found that changing have to to get to completely changes the perspective.

I get to work out. I get to run my business. I get to spend time with my family. It doesn't mean that I love every task associated with those things, but it reminds me that underneath many responsibilities is a choice, an opportunity, or a privilege that I don't want to overlook. When I started explaining this to clients, the example that I like to use was laundry.

I get to wash, dry, and fold clothes. I get to because we have the means to have a lot of things to wear. And in some countries that's not the case

and I want to keep that in perspective about how blessed I am not having to wash clothes in the yard on a washboard or in the river. This is still happening today around the world, so I certainly don't want to fuss about having to put clothes in one machine, switch to another machine and then fold them or hang them up and put them away.

The third word is busy. I stopped using these words years ago. At first it felt strange because everybody says they're busy. It's almost like a badge of honor. Ask someone how they're doing and chances are they'll tell you they're busy. But I noticed something. The more I said busy, the busier I felt it was like I was constantly reminding myself that there wasn't enough time and that I could never slow down.

So I just stopped using it. Instead, I reminded myself that I had time for what matters. Or that I'm choosing how I spend my time because I don't want busy to become part of my identity. The next word is Kant. This one reminds me of a story from when my kids were little. My youngest was learning to draw

and was getting frustrated.

They kept saying, I can't do it. And before I could say anything, my middle kid looks over and says, you can't do it yet. And I remember thinking, that's it. That's the lesson. The one tiny word that completely changes the meaning. Can't close his door yet leaves it open and acknowledges that something is difficult right now without deciding that it will always be impossible.

And I like to think a lot of us with ADHD need that reminder.

The fifth phrase is, I don't know. Now, sometimes that we genuinely don't know, and that's okay. But I think we use this. I don't know, as a way to shut the door on a conversation with ourselves. What do you want?

I don't know what's the next step. I don't know what would help, I don't know. Instead of saying, I don't know, I've started saying I'm learning too or I haven't figured that out yet. Those responses keep me curious. They remind me that not knowing isn't a dead end. It's simply where I am right now.

The last one is I am. This one's a little different because it's an identity. The words that come after I am carry a lot of weight. When we say things like I am anxious or I am disorganized, our brain start treating those things as facts about who we are.

Now, I'm not saying that those feelings aren't real because they absolutely are, but they're not the whole story. So instead of saying, I am anxious, I might say I am anxious, and sometimes I'm calm and that little word and creates space. It reminds me that no feelings, struggle, or challenge gets to define me completely. Now, before you decide that you're never going to use any of these words again, let's be realistic.

These are habits. Some of these phrases have probably been part of your vocabulary for years. Maybe your entire life, and you're going to catch yourself saying them. That's normal. And I remember when I was younger, I realized that I was lying a lot, and I didn't feel good about that, and I didn't. It didn't align with the kind of person I wanted to be, and I loved that.

I recognized that at a young age. So I started doing something simple. Whenever I caught myself saying something that wasn't true. I corrected it immediately.

I'm going to give you a ridiculous example or something like that shirt is red. And then I'd catch myself and go, no, sorry, that shirt is blue. So I corrected it right then and there. No waiting, no excuses, just an immediate correction. And I think that's exactly how we can approach these language habits. You catch yourself saying, I can't.

Then you pause and you add, yet

You catch yourself saying, I'm busy or any of the other words, and then you pause and reframe it just right then and there, pause and then ask yourself.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is awareness. The catch is the win. So this week, don't try to change all six. Just pick one. Start noticing it. Pay attention to how often it shows up for you, and then practice replacing it with something that creates a little more possibility. Grace and a little less pressure. Because ADHD is challenging enough,

We don't need our language to make it harder. And if you'd like that free printable, I made it super simple. It's called the ADHD Language Reset and includes

All six of these words and phrases, why you should try to avoid them, and what you can do instead. You can print it out, stick it on your fridge, put it on your desk, tape it to the bathroom mirror wherever you're most likely to see it.

You can download it for free at DWS. Dot. Learn to thrive with adhd.com/6 the number six words

And remember don't try to change all six at once. Just pick one and start noticing. And then you can move on from there. Thank you all. See you next week.

Thank you for your time today, and especially your attention. If you're anything like me, you love to learn. Sometimes, though, we can know what to do but struggle to put it into action without the right support. That's what Private ADHD coaching is for. To give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible.

Book a free consultation with me today at WW W learn to thrive with ADHD Tor.com Backslash Services. I look forward to meeting you.