Ep 130 - High-Performing With ADHD: Why Success Still Feels So Hard

 Can you handle a massive project with a million moving parts, but still can't answer one simple email for three weeks? You might already be a high performer — and this episode is for you. 

Coach Mande John speaks directly to ADHD adults who create impressive results, but only through pressure, urgency, and last-minute effort. From the outside, everything looks successful. On the inside, it can feel like barely holding it together. So this episode isn't about pushing harder. Instead, it's about building a version of high performance your brain can actually sustain. 

✅ Why you might already be performing at a high level, even if it doesn't feel like it 

✅ What happens when "Rising to Necessity" turns into needing a crisis for everything 

✅ Why busy and effective aren't the same thing 

✅ The three levels of clarity that make a goal actually actionable 

✅ How to tell a clarity problem apart from avoidance or depletion 

✅ Why strengths, not weaknesses, are where sustainable performance comes from 

✅ The Three R's: Review, Revise, Recommit 

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💼 Work with Mande: www.learntothrivewithadhd.com/services 

#adhdcoach #adhdcoaching #adultadhd #adultadd #adhdhelp 

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Transcript

Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD. This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD like symptoms. I'm your host coach, Maddie John. I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier. Let's get started.

Hello. Today I am talking to the high performers, and you may not think you're a high performer, but I bet you are. You can handle a major project with millions moving parts. You can build a business, manage people, solve problems, make big decisions, and take on responsibility that would overwhelm a lot of other people. So why can one simple email sit unanswered for three weeks?

Why can you show up when everything's falling apart but struggle to get started when there's no deadline, no emergency and no one waiting on you? Why are you getting so much done and still ending most days thinking about everything you didn't get done. That is the part other people may not see. They see you are successful. They see you in business, in the position, the projects, the ideas, all the things that you manage to pull off.

But they don't see how hard you're working inside to keep everything moving. They don't see the things you keep forgetting. The projects that are half finished, the systems you set up and stopped using, or the important work you keep pushing aside because something more urgent always takes its place and you know that you're capable. That's almost what makes it more frustrating.

You know what you can do. You have proof you can do it, but you can't always seem to access that ability when you want to.

You may be great in a crisis, but not so great at doing the work that would prevent the crisis. You may be able to push through an enormous amount when the pressure is high, and then wonder why you can't make yourself complete something that should take 15 minutes. And maybe you keep thinking. At this point in my life, I should be better at this.

I should be more organized, more consistent. I should not still need so much pressure to get myself moving.

You know you have potential on the table. And what if the problem is not that you're failing to become a high performer? What if you're already a high performer? But the way you're creating that performance is costing you too much, because there is a difference between being able to pull something off and having a way of working that you can actually sustain.

You can create impressive results through urgency, stress, overcommitting, and last minute effort. A lot of people with ADHD do this, but eventually you start paying for those results with your energy, your health, your relationships, or your trust in yourself. So today we're going to talk about what high performance really looks like for somebody with ADHD. Not how to push yourself harder, not how to cram more into your day, and not how to force yourself to follow another perfect routine.

We're going to talk about how to direct your capability that you already have, and how to stop relying on pressure for everything. How to build a version of high performance that actually works for your brain.

The first thing I want you to understand is that you may already be a high performer. You may just not feel like one. You may look at the things you forget the routines you can't seem to maintain, the projects that you keep putting off, or the amount of stress that it takes to get certain things done and decide that you're not performing at a high level at all.

But that's not the whole picture. You may also be running a business, leading a team, managing a demanding career, raising a family, solving complicated problems, and caring responsibilities that require a tremendous amount of skill. You may be doing things every day that other people would find overwhelming. And still, because you struggle with consistency in certain areas, you discount all of that.

A lot of people with ADHD judge themselves by the things that are the hardest for them. They do not judge themselves by their creativity, their problem solving, their persistence, their ability to think quickly, or the way they can step into a crisis and figure out what needs to happen. They judge themselves by the email they forgot to answer the appointment.

They didn't schedule the system. They stopped using the task that they've been avoiding for two weeks. And I'm not saying those things don't matter. They do matter. But they're not proof that you're incapable. They are proof that some parts of your performance are not supported well enough. That is very different. High performance does not mean you're naturally organized, calm, focused, and disciplined all the time.

It doesn't mean everything comes to you easily. It doesn't mean that you never procrastinate or lose momentum or get overwhelmed. High performance is not a personality type. It's not something a few special people are born with. It's a way of working that can be learned, practiced, and supported. And this really matters a lot because a lot of people with ADHD are already performing at a very high level, but they're doing it in a way that's much harder than it needs to be.

They're creating results, but they're creating those results through pressure, urgency, long hours, overcommitting or constantly trying to catch up. So from the outside, they look successful, but inside they feel like they're barely holding everything together.

That doesn't mean you're not a high performer. It may mean that you have learned how to produce under pressure, but you have not learned how to make that performance reliable and sustainable. And that is really what we're working toward here.

Not proving that you're capable. You probably already have plenty of evidence for that. The goal is learning how to access that capability with less chaos, less pressure, and less frustration.

So let's talk about that. Getting things done through pressure. When the deadlines close, someone's waiting. The consequences are real or the situation has become urgent. Suddenly, you can focus. You can make decisions quickly. Work for hours. You can solve problems that felt impossible a few days earlier. And because this works, it can become a way you do almost everything.

You wait until the pressure is high enough that your brain gets engaged. Sometimes you do this without even realizing it. You may take on more than realistically you have time for. You may promise something before you even know exactly how you're going to get it done. You may leave a task until it's the last possible minute, because part of you knows that that urgency will eventually help you move.

A lot of times you do pull it off. And that's why this pattern can be so hard to recognize as a problem. You are getting results. You may even be getting very good results, but the process is exhausting.

There's a concept in high performance work called Raising Necessity. The basic idea is that we tend to perform better when something feels important. When the stakes are higher, or when other people are depending on us, that can be helpful. Accountability. Deadlines. Having a clear reason to act can all help. An ADHD brain engage. The problem is when necessity turns into an emergency, when every important task needs a crisis before it gets your attention.

Pressure is no longer supporting your performance. Pressure has become your performance system, and that system usually comes with a cost. You may spend the first part of the project avoiding it, worrying about it, thinking about how behind you are, and then go into overdrive. You work longer than you intended. You ignore other responsibilities. You push through exhaustion. You get the thing done.

But afterwards you're depleted and then something else is falling behind and the cycle starts again. This can create a lot of confusion because you know you're capable under pressure.

You've seen yourself do an unbelievable amount of work in a short period of time. So when you can't start earlier, it's easy to think, what's wrong with me? I know I can do this. But the question is not whether you can do it. The question is what your brain currently needs in order to access that ability.

If urgency is the only thing, creating enough stimulation, clarity and emotional importance before you act, then of course it's going to be difficult to begin when the deadline still feels far away. That does not mean you need to remove all pressure from your life. Some pressure can be useful.

The goal is to stop needing intense pressure for everything. We want to learn how to create enough structure, meaning, accountability, and immediacy that you can begin before the situation becomes painful. Because high performance is not just being able to rescue the project at the last minute. It's being able to move important work forward without repeatedly putting yourself through an emergency to make it happen.

A lot of high performing people with ADHD are not sitting around doing nothing. They are busy all day. They're answering messages, solving problems, helping other people, making decisions, checking things off, and jumping from one responsibility to the next. By the end of the day, they may be completely worn out, but they still have this feeling that the most important thing didn't move.

That is because being busy and being effective are not always the same thing. You can spend an entire day working and still avoid the work that matters most. And with ADHD, this can be especially easy to do because a lot of smaller tasks give you something right away. They give you that dopamine hit.

You get a quick relief answering the email. You get the satisfaction of finishing something. You get to respond to what is urgent, visible or right in front of you. Meanwhile, the work that could create the biggest result may not feel urgent yet.

It may be important, but it's quiet. No one is waiting on it today. Nothing terrible happens if you put it off one more day so it keeps getting pushed aside. This is where a lot of high performing people get frustrated. They know they're working hard. They know they're putting in the hours, but their time is being pulled toward whatever is the loudest instead of what is the most valuable.

Stephen Covey talks about the difference between urgent work and important work. Urgent work usually gets your attention because it's demanding something from you right now. The important work is often what improves your life, your business, or your performance over time. It may be planning ahead, creating a system, training somebody else, building a relationship, making a decision you've been avoiding.

Working on the project that could actually move the business forward. The problem is that the important work often does not come with the same immediate pressure. So if your brain depends on urgency to engage, that work may continue sitting there until it becomes a problem,

Then suddenly it's urgent too. And now you're back in crisis mode. This is also where procrastinating can show up. Procrastinating is when you're doing plenty of things, but you're using those things to avoid the thing that actually matters. You are productive, but not necessarily in the right direction or the direction you intended to go.

And sometimes we think the answer is better time management. But the real issue may be that you have not clearly decided what deserves your best attention. Not every task is equal. Not every request deserves an immediate response. Not everything that feels urgent should be allowed to take over your day. Sometimes the most effective thing you can do is pause and ask, what is one thing that would matter most if I moved forward on it today?

Not what can I finish fastest? What's easiest to check off or what's making the most noise? What actually matters most? Because high performance is not about doing the greatest number of things. It's about putting your energy where it creates the greatest results. A lot of people with ADHD are trying to be more productive without being clear enough about what they're actually trying to do.

They know they want to grow a business, finish a project, get more organized, be consistent. But these goals are too broad for the brain to act on. You may care deeply about the outcome and still have no idea what to do next and when the next step is unclear, the task starts to feel heavier than it is. You think about it, you worry about it.

Move from one list to another and tell yourself you need to work on it, but you still don't start. That's not always procrastination. Sometimes it's a clarity problem.

Stephen Covey also talks about beginning with the end in mind. And Brendon Burchard talks about clarity as one of the habits that supports high performance.

The basic idea is that you need to know what result you're trying to create before you can decide what deserves your attention.

But with ADHD, I think we need to take that one step further. It's not enough to know the big goal. You also need to know what part of that goal matters right now and what the next visible action is. So I like to break this down into three levels. First. What is the result you're trying to create? Second, what is the current priority inside that result.

And third, what is the next actual action that you can take? For example, I want to grow my business is not a step.

I need to market more, but that's still too broad. The next action might be writing the first paragraph of a landing page. Second, it might be one follow up email or choosing a date for a workshop.

The clearer the action, the less resistance your brain has to fight through. This is something I see often with high performing people. They're very good at vision. They can see what they want to build. They can see where the business could go. They can see the opportunity. But they get stuck between the idea and the execution. And then they assume that they need more motivation.

But motivation is not the issue. The issue is the project has not been translated into something the brain can start. A goal can be exciting and still be too vague to act on. So before you ask yourself, how do I make myself do this? Ask, what exactly am I trying to create? What matters most right now and what is the next step I can actually see myself doing?

Because productivity without clarity can create a lot of motion. But clarity is what makes sure the motion you're taking is taking you somewhere. A lot of high performing people with ADHD keep trying to solve an energy problem with a productivity system. They think they need a better planner, a better routine, a better app, more discipline. But sometimes the problem is not the system.

Sometimes you're tired. Sometimes you've been making decisions all day, or you've been switching between tasks, managing people, solving problems, trying to hold too much in your head. And by the time you get to the thing you really want to do, there's nothing left

That can look like you're procrastinating. It could look like scrolling. It can look like staring at a task and feeling like you can't make yourself begin. But that does not mean you're lazy or avoiding responsibility. Your brain just may be depleted.

Stephen Covey also talks about sharpening the saw, which is really about renewing yourself so that you can keep performing over time. Generally, energy is one of the habits of high performers. High performance is not just about how much effort you give. It's about whether you have enough energy to keep giving effort in a useful way. And I think a lot of high achieving people are used to ignoring this.

They push through, they override what they're feeling. They keep going because people are depending on them or because the work still needs to get done.

I know this was me for a long time, and sometimes that's necessary. But if that becomes your normal way of operating, eventually everything gets harder. Your patience gets shorter, your decisions get worse, your impulse control gets weaker, and your ability to start something difficult drops.

For me, this was one of the first steps into burnout, and I would create this boom bust cycle that some people talk about and others might talk about it like starting and stopping, and then you get frustrated with yourself because you think you should be able to perform at the same level.

But you're asking a depleted brain to work like a rested one. So before you decide you need to push harder, let's ask a few questions. Am I unclear about what to do? Am I avoiding an uncomfortable feeling, or am I simply out of energy?

Because those are three different problems and they need three different solutions. If the task is unclear, you need clarity. If you're avoiding discomfort, you need to work on the thought and the feeling. If you're depleted, you may need sleep, food, movement, a break, fewer decisions, or help carrying the load. And I know that can be frustrating to hear when you have a lot to do.

Sometimes rest feels like one more thing slowing you down. But recovery is not separate from performance. It's part of performance. You can't keep expecting high level thinking, emotional control, creativity, and follow through from a brain that never gets a chance to rest. So sustainable high performance is not about seeing how long you can keep pushing. It's about learning how to notice what your brain and body needs before you come to a full stop.

A lot of high performing people with ADHD spend too much time trying to fix every weakness. They see the things that are hard for them and assume those are the areas they need to keep pushing. Be more organized. Be better at following up. Be more consistent. Be better at all. Routine details. And yes, some of those things need support.

But high performance does not come from being equally good at everything. It comes from knowing where you're strongest and learning how to use those strengths on purpose. You may be excellent at seeing the big picture. You may be great in a crisis. You may be creative, persuasive, strategic, or good at solving problems quickly. You may be a person who sees possibilities that other people miss.

Those are real strengths. But if you keep measuring yourself by the areas that are hardest for you, you can lose sight of what you actually do exceptionally well. The goal is not to ignore your weaker areas. The goal is to stop expecting willpower to carry you through on every part of your work. Some things need a system, a checklist, a deadline, accountability, another person involved.

And some things may just need to be delegated.

That's not cheating. That's good performance. High performing people do not have to do every part themselves. They make sure every important part gets done. This is where collaboration is important. You may be the visionary, but you need someone who enjoys the details. You may be great at starting, but you need support when finishing. You may be excellent with clients, but terrible at keeping up with the admin work.

The answer is not always to force yourself to be different. Sometimes the answer is to build a way of working that allows your strengths to lead and gives your weaker areas enough support.

So that means being honest about what you're good at, not what you wish you were good at, or what you think you should be good at. What does evidence show? Where do you repeatedly create strong results? What kind of work gives you energy? What do other people consistently come to you for? And where do things repeatedly break down?

Those questions can show you where you need to use yourself differently, because a sustainable high performance is not about squeezing more effort out of every weakness. It's about using your best abilities where they matter most and creating enough structure around the rest. A lot of people with ADHD do not trust themselves. Not because they're incapable, because they've made plans and not followed them.

They made themselves promises and not followed through. They may have started routines and stopped. They may have said, this time I'm going to stay on top of it and then found themselves behind again. They may have overcommitted, missed deadlines, forgotten things, or waited too long to begin. After enough of those experiences, it can start to feel like you can't rely on yourself.

You may still be ambitious. You may still have big goals, but there is a part of you that's already expecting yourself to fall off, and that changes the way you approach everything. You hesitate to make a new plan because you're not sure you'll stick with it. You avoid setting a goal because you don't want to disappoint yourself again.

Or you go in the other direction and create a very intense plan because you think this one will be perfect. This will be the one.

But self-trust is not about never getting off track. That's not realistic for anyone, and especially not realistic for people with ADHD.

Self-trust is built by knowing what you will do when you get off track. That's a very different standard

Because the problem is usually not the setback itself. The problem is what happens next. You miss a few days, you fall behind the routine breaks or the project does not go the way you expected. Instead of adjusting, you make it mean that the whole thing failed.

You can start overthinking. Get discouraged. Avoid looking at it. And then a small disruption turns into a complete stop. This is why I like to use the three R's review, revise, and recommit. First review what happened? Not from shame. Not to prove that you messed up. Just look at the facts. What worked? What didn't work? Where did the plan break down?

Then revise. Maybe the plan was too complicated or it took too much energy and time. Maybe you needed more accountability or the step was too vague. Maybe the plan was never realistic for the season that you're in, and then recommit not to the same exact plan, but to the adjusted plan.

You don't have to keep using a method that's not working just because you already started it. You can change the approach and keep the goal.

Every time you restart, you're building evidence that you can trust yourself. Not because you always follow through perfectly. Because you don't abandon yourself when something goes wrong. You know how to come back. You know how to adjust and keep moving without turning one step back into a judgment about who you are.

That is a much stronger kind of self-trust. And it's one of the most important parts of sustainable high performance. So now the question is, what does it actually look like in your life? Because knowing these things is helpful. But if you leave with nine good ideas and no clear way to use them, that's not going to change much.

What you need is a simple way to look at your performance when you feel stuck, scattered, overwhelmed, or frustrated with yourself. The first thing is to ask what actually matters right now? Not everything on your list or everything people want from you. What result matters most in this season that gives your brain a direction? Then ask, what is the next visible step?

Not the whole project or the perfect plan, but what is the next action you can actually take? And then look at what's getting in the way. Is the task unclear? Is it boring? Does it feel too big? Are you tired? Are you avoiding a feeling? Are you waiting for urgency? To create enough pressure? You can't solve the problem until you know what the problem actually is.

Then add support. Maybe you need a deadline. Accountability to put it on a calendar. Maybe you need to work beside someone or delegate part of it. Maybe you need to make the first step much smaller than you think it should be. This is where a lot of people get stuck because they think they should be able to do this all by themselves.

But that's like saying you don't need glasses when you have an eyesight problem. You should be able to see fine without them. Support is part of the system. The goal is not to see how much you can carry in your head. The goal is to create a structure that helps you keep moving. And then when you get off track, you use the three R's.

Review what happened. Revise the plan and you recommit to the results.

That's what sustainable performance looks like. It's not perfect execution. It's not waking up motivated every day. It's not having one system that works forever. It is knowing how to choose what matters. Create a clear next step. Identify the real barrier and add the right support and then recover when something changes.

That's how you stop depending on crisis mode for everything. That's how you stop using pressure as your only source of focus. And that's how you start building a way of working that you can actually trust. You're not trying to become someone else. You're not trying to get rid of your ADHD. You're learning how to work with your brain in a more intentional way.

Because high performance with ADHD is not about doing more. It's about creating better results with less chaos, less shame, and less cost to yourself.

You don't need any more proof that you're capable. You probably already have plenty of it. What you need is a way of working that helps you use capability without consistently relying on pressure, urgency, and exhaustion. That means getting clear on what matters. Breaking it down into something your brain can actually start noticing what's really getting in the way and building the support you need.

And when you get off track, because you will. It means knowing how to review, revise, and recommit. And instead of turning one setback into giving up on yourself. That's what sustainable high performance looks like with ADHD. Not doing more. Not pushing harder. It's learning how to create meaningful results with less chaos.

So if this episode hit home for you, I want to invite you to join me for something. It's the ADHD reset workshop. You go to learn to thrive with adhd.com/adhd reset to sign up again.

You can find that description whether you're watching on YouTube or listening on the podcast. And join me there.

Come live and bring one project goal or decision that you've been stuck on. We're going to look at what is actually getting in the way.

Get clear on your next step and help you start moving again. I already know which project I'm bringing and we can reset together. Thank you all for being here and I'll see you next week.

Thank you for your time today, and especially your attention. If you're anything like me, you love to learn. Sometimes, though, we can know what to do but struggle to put it into action without the right support. That's what Private ADHD coaching is for. To give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible.

Book a free consultation with me today at WW W learn to thrive with ADHD Tor.com Backslash Services. I look forward to meeting you.