Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity

#270 | What Your Attachment Style Is Actually Doing in the Bedroom

• Todd Creager • Episode 270

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0:00 | 5:41

What happens between you and your partner in bed may have less to do with technique and more to do with how you're wired for connection.

In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience working with couples — breaks down the four attachment styles and what they look like during sex and physical intimacy. Most people have heard of the four attachment categories: secure, anxious (fearful), avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. But Todd draws an important distinction that changes how you think about all of it: you're not just one type. Different parts of you carry different attachment patterns, and whichever part gets triggered in the bedroom is the one that shows up.

When the secure part of you is present, you can give and receive fully — physically and emotionally — while still holding onto your own sense of self. There's an ease and openness in that dynamic that most couples are working toward.

When the fearful or anxious part takes over, you may find yourself becoming a pleaser. Your own desires go quiet. You focus on keeping your partner close, avoiding judgment, and making sure they don't pull away. The connection you're working so hard to protect becomes harder to actually feel.

The avoidant part shows up differently — more closed off, less tuned into what your partner is experiencing, and focused primarily on personal release rather than mutual intimacy. Vulnerability in the bedroom feels like too much exposure.

For those who carry fearful-avoidant patterns, both tendencies can surface — sometimes within the same encounter. Swinging from intense people-pleasing to sudden withdrawal, that kind of unpredictability can leave a partner feeling confused about who they're actually with.

Todd's message throughout is clear: this is not about labeling yourself or your partner. It's about recognizing the patterns that are already running so you can start working with them rather than around them.

Whether you're dealing with emotional distance, uneven intimacy, or a quiet sense that something is off in the bedroom, this episode gives you a clearer picture of what may be driving it.

Todd reads every comment — share your reaction and let him know what came up for you.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  


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