ED, Performance Anxiety & Swinging – The Secrets No One Talks About

You're in the moment—the music is sexy, the lighting is perfect, and your partner is ready. But suddenly… nothing happens. Your mind races, and the pressure builds. Sound familiar? You’re not alone!

In this episode of Swinger University, Ed and Phoebe dive deep into performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction (ED) in the swinging lifestyle. We discuss the psychological and physiological causes of ED, the pressure to perform, and how new situations, alcohol, and sensory overload can contribute.

More importantly, we share real solutions—from mindset shifts and relaxation techniques to pharmaceutical options and lifestyle changes—to help you stay confident and present in the moment. Whether you're new to swinging or a seasoned pro, this episode is packed with practical tips to overcome ED and enhance your playtime experience.

🔹 Why does performance anxiety happen?
🔹 The impact of stress, alcohol, and new experiences
🔹 How to shift your mindset and stay present
🔹 Tips for handling ED gracefully in the moment
🔹 Viagra, Cialis, Trimix, and natural alternatives
🔹 Communication and consent: How to set the stage for success

Transcript

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[Ed] You're in the moment. The music is sexy. The lighting is perfect and your partner is giving you the green lights[Ed] but suddenly[Ed] Nothing. Your body isn't cooperating. Your mind is racing and the more you try the worse it gets[Ed] sound familiar[Unknown] You are not alone. Welcome to Swinger University. I'm Ed. And I'm Phoebe and today we're gonna be talking about[Ed] If you haven't guessed[Ed] Performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction. It's funny. We were thinking about this[Ed] When we were writing this outline and realized we'd never really talked about ED. And now I had to go through all of our published episodes and[Phoebe] Make sure we didn't cover this. We've covered it in other episodes, but never a dedicated episode a little bit here and there[Phoebe] Yes, and what spurred this outline was a conversation with some other lifestyle promoters[Phoebe] So thank you for that for reaching out and for your questions. Are we doing story time now? We're doing story time now[Unknown] Okay, so story time[Ed] When we first got into the lifestyle I actually struggled with ED[Ed] It was really distracting. There was so much stuff going on in the room[Ed] And it was hard being present like being in the moment and[Ed] You know having that one-on-one kind of interface with this new person who I'd never had sex with before[Unknown] never[Ed] You know had that experience of all of this stuff going on at the same time and it was it was[Unknown] frustrating[Phoebe] Yeah, I can imagine it was overwhelming. I was overwhelmed when we first started because of[Phoebe] All the stimulus all the newness[Phoebe] There are things that you're not used to doing their toll things that you're told you shouldn't be doing[Phoebe] We're just not educated this way or socialized in this way and for something that feels so normal and natural[Phoebe] It's it's a bit of a mind twist when you're in the moment[Ed] Yeah, yeah, for sure[Ed] So let's let's jump into that email that we got we had a listener reach out to us and wrote to us about[Ed] something different[Ed] We dug into it a little bit and we kind of narrowed it down[Ed] But they were asking about what do you call a[Ed] Dynamic where the woman is full swap but the man is only soft swap like what do you call that couple[Ed] And we were like well[Ed] What do you really mean by that like where how did you get to that place and so we asked more questions[Ed] We really dug into it come to find out that he was struggling with some ed issues and[Ed] Side benefit he really likes oral to and so he actually just[Ed] Really likes soft swap which we can totally appreciate I totally get that absolutely[Ed] But the underlying issue the reason why that even became the thing in his mind was he was having[Ed] erection issues. So[Unknown] Let's[Ed] Let's dig into that. Let's talk about some of that stuff[Ed] There's a[Ed] stigma around ed and a lot of anxiety and swinging[Ed] But not a whole lot of people talk about it or people talk about it, but it's usually in a really negative way[Unknown] um[Ed] I've heard lots of stories about women who were like yeah, it was great until[Ed] We got into the bedroom and then my partner couldn't get it up[Ed] But my husband was going to town on the the other wife and they were having a great time[Ed] And I was sitting over here waiting for something to happen right that that story is really really common[Ed] The reality is this happens a lot with men and[Ed] Interestingly enough[Ed] Performance anxiety. It's not gender specific. So you can have anxiety in other words feeling anxious about[Ed] How well you're going to do in the bedroom as a woman too[Ed] I mean am I going to do the right things?[Ed] And is she is he going to like what I'm going to do?[Ed] Do I look good? Does this lingerie like make me look sexy like all of that is performance related anxiety[Ed] You're overthinking what this experience is going to be like[Ed] What it's going to be about[Phoebe] Other factors that play into ed[Phoebe] Issues, I guess I hate saying it's an issue, but it is an issue and I don't mean that in a negative way[Unknown] But a[Phoebe] Factor if you will[Phoebe] Alcohol as we all know job stress or any kind of stress right relationship issues, which is a stressor[Phoebe] Depression can also contribute to ed[Ed] Interestingly enough, I was doing a little bit of digging into this and the[Ed] The the peer-reviewed papers about ed[Ed] really[Ed] narrow down those[Ed] Issues that you were talking about or contributing factors to ed[Ed] Really only account for about 25% of the problems that can happen with ed[Phoebe] So those things I just talked about only account for 25% correct then what's the rest?[Ed] Well roughly 75% of men the cause is actually much more complex[Ed] And what's interesting is about 30% of the people the men who go to see their doctor about ed[Ed] Find out that this actually happens to be cardiovascular disease. So it's interesting, but[Ed] Ed is really more of a side effect of other medical physiological things that are going on in a man's body[Ed] Typically more often than not. There's something else going on. It's not psychological[Ed] Which is good. That means that if you are suffering from ed. There's a medical intervention[Ed] Not just pharmaceutical intervention, but something that can be done probably[Ed] To help you with those issues and psychological factors are also included[Ed] And there are things like we had said with the job stress and others that[Ed] Kind of like you said get into your head and cause problems with you being able to focus or be in the moment[Unknown] right[Phoebe] some of the[Phoebe] other factors are[Phoebe] Performance anxiety, right?[Ed] Yeah, yeah, and that's that's what we were talking about in terms of like am I doing it the right way?[Ed] Does she like it? Is my partner okay? And I think a lot of the factors when we first started for me[Ed] Were those psychological factors of being concerned about you your safety what was going on and all the overwhelming stimulus and it was[Ed] Until I got comfortable it didn't[Unknown] It didn't help[Ed] Those those things all contributed to my issues that I was having and we'll get into some tips later if you stick around[Ed] In terms of how you get past some of those psychological barriers and issues that can happen when you[Ed] You're in a swinging situation[Unknown] So why do performance[Ed] anxiety issues happen?[Phoebe] Mental pressure for sure[Guest] Fear of judgment which you touched on comparing yourself to others in[Phoebe] A room which happens a lot rather you're[Phoebe] Just with another couple two two and two the four of you or maybe five[Phoebe] Um or or more[Phoebe] um, it doesn't really matter[Phoebe] Uh, you're just comparing and and that like I said that comes up often right and then[Phoebe] That need to perform right as as men[Phoebe] I'm you obviously can speak to this more so than I can[Unknown] but it is[Phoebe] My assumption and what I've heard especially with other cultures that that need to perform[Phoebe] Is in grain in in men. It's a social[Phoebe] thing that you just[Phoebe] You learn you grow up. It's an expectation that that's your job. You yeah, you have to make the one happy[Ed] You have to be the superstar the alpha male right you've got to perform you've got to go[Ed] pollinate the whole field[Ed] Another contributing factor is new situations[Ed] First time jitters group play nerves and once again that performance in front of others[Ed] If you've never done this before if you've never been in that situation before[Unknown] It gets in your head[Ed] You're thinking about it a lot. Am I going to do the right things?[Ed] I've never done this before. It's like the first day on the job. I'm going to screw up and[Ed] That can really mess with your head. So[Phoebe] You got to get out of there and remind me a letter later[Phoebe] I have a tip for what you could do in those new situations especially for[Phoebe] Performance in front of others. Yeah. Yeah[Phoebe] Alcohol and drugs that plays a large part definitely[Phoebe] A lot of swingers will use that to[Phoebe] Relax it's a so it's a social lubricant right a lot of vanilla people use it as a social lubricant[Phoebe] You're single you go to a bar you're looking for a date or one night stand or something. It's a social lubricant[Phoebe] It's part of our fabric of being social. So it just[Phoebe] by its nature is[Phoebe] Part of swinging right and that wreaks havoc on[Ed] Or performance. Yeah, so you you have a cocktail to try and reduce your inhibition so that like new situation problem[Ed] And that mental pressure gets alleviated and then the next thing you know[Ed] The alcohol which was supposed to help you ends up hurting you in causing some ED issues right[Ed] So a little bit goes a long way and everything in moderation once again[Ed] Don't overuse it otherwise. It's going to be part of the problem[Ed] All right, we need your help so that your community the very one you love and have so much fun with[Ed] Can also find our show[Ed] Here's a really easy way to do that if you're listening on Apple podcast or Spotify[Ed] Hit that follow button and leave us a rating[Ed] If you're watching on YouTube[Ed] Subscribe and turn on notifications[Ed] We can't emphasize enough how much this helps the swinger community and it truly is up to you to make that happen[Ed] It makes a massive difference in whether new listeners can even find us[Ed] And here's the thing when someone searches swinger podcast the algorithm doesn't care[Unknown] How good our content is or how long we've been around it only cares about ratings and reviews[Unknown] We'd appreciate it and your community will really appreciate it[Unknown] Thanks for listening[Phoebe] The next issue really affects me. I know it affects men as well, but it's that sensory overload[Phoebe] It's just way too much stimulation. You've got new sounds. You've got all the visual stimulation[Phoebe] you've got new smells and[Phoebe] all these sensations[Phoebe] additional hands touching you while you're doing some[Phoebe] Intimate act that you used to only have with your[Phoebe] With your significant other and now all of a sudden more hands and you're like whoa[Unknown] It's cool, but it's also[Phoebe] overwhelming[Ed] Yeah, yeah, for sure[Ed] and lastly relationship dynamics so[Ed] Maybe there was a disagreement beforehand. Maybe there was no disagreement[Ed] Maybe you just are worried about your partner in that moment and[Ed] Are they doing okay? Are they having a good time? It can be something as simple as[Unknown] She's she's having a lot of fun[Ed] But now you've taken your attention off of what you're doing and just[Ed] Admiring what your partner's doing is enough to pull you out so[Ed] That's one of the reasons why we've talked about separate room play and why that might be an advantage for some people is[Unknown] You don't have that external distraction going on right you can focus on what you're doing and it may help it[Ed] Not it also introduces other relationship dynamics, which is what is my partner doing? I can't see them[Ed] Right, so it's not necessarily a solution. It could also be a contributing factor. So[Ed] You may have to experiment a little bit to see how this is gonna go[Phoebe] Yeah, and you're gonna falter and you're gonna screw things up, but[Phoebe] You don't know what you don't know and the the key is having that that communication and that honesty and being able to be[Phoebe] Real with one another and express how you feel and have it[Phoebe] being received with an open heart and[Phoebe] Working through it because you are a team. This is a team sport, right[Ed] I talked a little bit about my ED experience[Ed] It was interesting and kind of shocking when it happened to me the first time and it has happened to me multiple times[Ed] It it happens occasionally[Ed] and I've learned to[Ed] Navigate how to get out of my head with it and I don't let it get to me because I have enough positive experiences where[Ed] I know it's it's not me. It's just my brain[Ed] But I remember those those early situations being pretty traumatic and and a little[Ed] Disconcerting like what do I do at this point and it wasn't until I did a little bit of research about it and really figured out[Ed] What was going on that I was able to kind of[Ed] help with that[Ed] Viagra does help[Ed] Seattleists can help and for me[Ed] Viagra did help for me in certain situations and I do use it occasionally to help so[Ed] There is that option. We'll talk more about pharmaceuticals and some other interventions[Ed] A little bit later in the episode including some other ones and their risks[Phoebe] I wanted to talk a little bit more about your experience in the beginning. I remember[Phoebe] You do remember you being quite shocked because this was something very new that was happening to you and yeah, yeah, you were[Phoebe] Wondering what the heck changed and why right and I also remember[Unknown] That the[Phoebe] Viagra or Seattleists whichever one you were you switched back and forth one worked better for you[Phoebe] was a[Phoebe] nice way to[Unknown] To[Phoebe] I guess read[Phoebe] Rebuild the confidence because when it happens to you mentally, you're like[Phoebe] What the actual heck is going on now it starts to wear with your wear on your your confidence and your[Phoebe] In your ability and now it's this thing in the back of your mind, right?[Phoebe] This is what that was telling me right so that the drug[Phoebe] Gets you over the hump and you may not always need it, but it gives you that[Phoebe] Confidence till you can get through that situation and and go oh[Phoebe] Been here before. I know what it was. I can readjust right and off we go[Phoebe] so if[Phoebe] It's kind of like a[Ed] A crunch to a little booster. Yeah kind of like training wheels for me and and I also wondered how much of it for me was[Ed] A little bit of a placebo effect in other words[Ed] Taking the pill got my brain kind of reorganized to go[Ed] I have I have a superpower and nobody else knows it and so therefore[Ed] You know, I'm secretly bulletproof[Ed] It right it had to have had an effect[Ed] It's interesting. We've done a lot of research on different drugs and their interactions with people and the placebo effect[Ed] Isn't something to ignore no in a lot of clinical drug trials they found that the placebo[Ed] Ranked right up there better than some of the drugs that they're testing which is[Ed] Crazy that whole mind over matter thing. It's insane[Ed] Like 40% in from what I remember from the studies that we read. Yeah[Ed] So it may not actually be the pill although I know[Ed] For a fact that there are physiological effects when I take biagra you too. I can feel it[Ed] There's things going on[Ed] And I'll we'll talk about the side effects when we get down to that section because there are those two[Ed] Let's show let's get into that. Let's talk about overcoming performance anxiety[Ed] What does that look like how do you do it? Well[Ed] For we've talked about it a bunch of times and we've talked to other people about it as kind of[Ed] Getting out of your head reframing[Ed] Your mindset and some of it is[Ed] Don't think about it like and that's that that's the hard part right? It's like think about anything[Ed] But the color red and now you can't think of anything but the color red. It's in your head[Ed] You can't get it out and that's the one thing that your brain keeps going back to[Unknown] So[Ed] part of this is[Ed] An overall reframing of your mentality and that's that this whole thing is an experience[Ed] It's not a goal. It's not a performance. This isn't a stage performance. You're not an actor[Unknown] um[Ed] If anything you could kind of think of it as a dress rehearsal[Ed] You're just there to have a good time and have fun[Ed] So don't worry about it going this is the Oscar performance if I don't nail this then[Ed] We're done and it'll never be good again[Ed] It's going to be fine[Ed] You got to get out of that get that out of your mind that this is a one-time thing[Ed] This is supposed to be something fun that everybody's enjoying so think of it that way not[Phoebe] I have to perform but what about those people that want to make a good impression because first impressions right[Phoebe] We're all conditioned that first impressions are the best impression[Phoebe] I know they are not[Phoebe] But it's still a thing especially in that vulnerable moment[Phoebe] I[Phoebe] I give people a lot of grace in those moments because we're all coming[Phoebe] To to the table so to speak or to the bed so to speak with with a different set of[Phoebe] Whatever happened that day, right? You you just ran a marathon. You're exhausted. There's stress in the family or whatever you have to fight in the car[Phoebe] The party's not that great the music is annoying you who knows what it is. It could be everything[Phoebe] They let the dog in the room. So[Phoebe] but there's all kinds of factors, but[Phoebe] it's um[Unknown] Not[Phoebe] Like you said not having that that end[Phoebe] Goal I get[Unknown] Get that you want to make a good impression, but if you are with another couple[Phoebe] That doesn't ever want to see you again because[Phoebe] She didn't get a five star[Phoebe] orgasm then maybe that's not the couple for you. Maybe they're just right[Phoebe] Not the kind of people you want to hang out with yeah, and in in our next section[Ed] We're going to talk about some things that you can do to get to that five star rating even if[Ed] Your penis isn't working. So we'll talk about that[Ed] Some of the other things that are recommended and these are these are just good exercises in general[Ed] relaxation techniques in other words learning how to kind of control your breathing and your respiration[Ed] Through things like breathing exercises mindfulness and grounding techniques and[Ed] The mindfulness exercises. I think are really key to this because it's being present[Ed] It's being aware of what's going on around you[Ed] but being able to kind of take it in stride and to be[Ed] Just in the moment and not worried about something that you can't control or something that's down the road, right?[Ed] It's just just be happy doing the thing that you're doing and if you need to do a different thing tip[Ed] Maybe that's what you should be doing now instead of[Ed] This is what I wanted to do. Well, you know roll with it something happened[Phoebe] Change up your game. Yeah, because everyone's different. So what about[Phoebe] Meeting each partner is different from that partner that you were with if you're a guy and the partner that you were with or woman[Phoebe] Is is different than the next partner you're gonna have[Phoebe] The situation is going to to change maybe your[Phoebe] technique is different[Phoebe] Your speed is different[Phoebe] I would say that mindfulness is really also slowing down asking questions[Phoebe] Reading reading the room or reading her house for body responding is she non-verbal?[Ed] Did you ask her what she likes? Yeah, which kind of plays into the whole prepping for play[Ed] So one of the things that we recommend doing is setting first realistic expectations[Ed] And warming up with a lot of for play so if you're not focused on[Ed] PIV sex you're not focused on[Ed] getting getting to that end[Ed] scene[Ed] You're just I'm in the moment and we're doing for play now and I really like this and I'm making things happen for my partner[Ed] That's really good. You're now[Ed] Once again being grounded being mindful of what's going on and[Ed] You're warming her up and if anything that may be plenty[Ed] Give her a half dozen orgasms orally she may be like I'm done. I can't do it anymore[Ed] And you've just gotten a pass if you will that pressure is off now[Ed] For the PIV sex you don't have to worry about it as much because she's already satisfied anything after that[Ed] bonus so think about it that way[Unknown] Right and I[Phoebe] I like that all that that you just brought up and I think we I know that we are conditioned by watching[Phoebe] porn to have an end goal right to get to that finish line and that's not what a sexual experience[Phoebe] Should always be it doesn't have to be that[Phoebe] Who says it has to be that just because they say I[Phoebe] don't always need that so[Guest] Here's why we sail on virgin[Guest] It's adults only[Guest] No kids screaming at breakfast no family buffet lines just champagne at noon[Guest] Late-night pool parties and people who actually want to be there the vibe[Guest] Think boutique hotel that happens to float[Guest] Tattoo parlors drag brunch restaurants you'd actually pay for on land[Guest] Plus when you're looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun[Guest] Let's just say virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurous[Guest] No wonder bread cruisers here just your people[Ed] And yeah every evening is different every partner's different and you just don't know[Ed] This isn't a porn set there aren't a set of shots that you have to get you don't have to go[Ed] From oral to doggy to the the money shot at the end right like it doesn't have to happen that way[Ed] It can happen that way[Ed] But it can go 150 different ways so have fun just enjoy it for what it is right one of the other things[Ed] It's really good about prepping for play that we really like and we're pushing this on people[Ed] We're pushing this on our audience because we want more people to take this in[Ed] Into account and that is[Ed] having a really sexy hot[Ed] juicy[Ed] Consent conversation. Oh, yeah[Ed] Because it gets your head[Ed] focused on the things that you want to do in a really sexy way if anything it's preparing[Ed] That mind game that[Ed] mindset that[Ed] being mindful[Unknown] of[Ed] all of the fun[Ed] activities that you're going to do[Ed] And make it fun[Ed] Have fun having that consent conversation about what things you really want to do to your partner[Ed] Gets them in the mood gets you in the mood and really focuses on[Unknown] What's going to happen if anything it's[Ed] Putting that placebo of what's going to happen in your head. It's kind of like athletes[Ed] doing their[Unknown] There I can't remember what it's called visualization that mental visualization of all the things[Ed] They're going to do when they step up to the plate and they're they're prepping and doing all that stuff[Ed] For they're about to like kick off and whatever your sport is[Ed] Those are not my sports[Ed] Then your brain starts to go through those motions and already starts visualizing what you need to do[Ed] In order for that to happen[Ed] So before you've even done anything to work on the erection[Unknown] the erection[Ed] Your brain is already starting to think about it in a positive way right because it's kind of like a dream state[Ed] You're thinking about the positive things that are going to happen which is great gets all the juices going[Ed] starts to[Unknown] Get it going[Ed] All right, this is the this is the part that I think most people rely on[Ed] And I'll I have leaned on this crutch before[Ed] It's not always a crutch for some people. This is a necessary thing because of physiological conditions[Ed] And that's pharmaceuticals. So we're going to talk about[Ed] A couple different pharmaceuticals and some other things that you can do for physiological[Ed] Issues with ED[Ed] First and foremost, let's talk about Viagra and Cialis and[Ed] These are two brand names for a whole[Ed] Spectrum of other drugs[Ed] There's some hybrid ones. There's row that's on the market now[Ed] Which is a little bit of Cialis and a little bit of Viagra[Ed] For the most part these are a[Ed] A[Ed] Circulation helper they help the blood flow[Ed] A vasco-dialator vasco-dialator and what it does is it causes the blood vessels in your penis to work better[Ed] So that the blood can flow in easier it reduces restrictions and constrictions and[Unknown] Things happen. Yeah[Ed] Different ones will work differently with you not everybody responds well to Viagra[Ed] They have side effects not everyone works well with Cialis when I tried Cialis[Ed] It did almost nothing for me[Ed] Viagra work really well for me. I have been tempted to try Cialis again[Unknown] But I haven't[Ed] One of the side effects that I've experienced with Viagra is nasal congestion[Ed] I get really stuffy on it and[Ed] Sometimes I'll get a headache from it too a little bit[Ed] So and there are other side effects or worst side effects no matter what[Ed] Talk to your physician before you start taking any kinds of drugs don't take other people's drugs etc etc etc[Unknown] No[Ed] Just don't do it[Ed] whether it's Viagra or anything else[Ed] And the other one that's come up a couple times and this one I'm going to put it[Ed] I want to put an extra asterisk on[Ed] Talk to your physician before you try it. Oh, yeah[Ed] And that's trimax this is an injection directly into the tissues of the penis[Unknown] and[Ed] From everything that I've heard about it. I've not tried this[Ed] It's guaranteed like it's 100% guaranteed erection[Ed] And if you use it inappropriately or if you use it not as directed you get too much of a dosage you can cat cause[Ed] permanent physical damage to your penis and its ability to ever get erect again. So like I can't stress this enough[Ed] Do not fuck around with trimax because you will find out[Unknown] we[Ed] Know of another[Ed] podcaster who did this he's told the story you can go listen to it on their podcast if you want to or you may have heard this story[Ed] I won't go into the whole thing um or say who it is[Ed] Because that's their story[Unknown] but[Ed] Yeah, cause some problems and ended up with permanent damage to his penis. Anyway[Ed] Um, we've we've heard other people in the lifestyle talk about trimax[Ed] It is very effective. It does work very well[Ed] But 100% I would I would rely very much on your[Ed] urologist and[Ed] A prescription from them and making sure that you've got the right dosage and they recommend it for you and that there aren't other things that you could be doing[Ed] Like it seems to me that that's[Ed] That's a step up from Viagra in my mind[Phoebe] But don't be afraid if you see somebody using it usually oh, yeah[Phoebe] Some people use it in the lifestyle. They'll let you know or they'll do it discreetly right in the bathroom[Phoebe] They usually don't just whip it out in the bedroom[Phoebe] This particular couple that we know of did and alarmed a few people because they thought it was[Phoebe] heroin heroin or something yeah, but it wasn't yes, so[Phoebe] The I think what actually happened was the room was supposed to be closed to the doors was supposed to be closed and someone opened it and[Ed] Anyway, yeah, all hell broke loose and syringes scare people um, so yeah[Phoebe] But I get it if you don't if you don't know you don't know. I mean I didn't know until[Unknown] Four or five years ago, so yeah, yeah, there's some cool[Phoebe] Medications and drugs out there for people used correctly[Ed] Yeah, and and it is like I said it's highly effective and if that's what your urologist recommends absolutely[Ed] I have heard really positive things from it for those people who actually need it[Ed] This this is one's a little interesting. I was skeptical at first, but I double checked it[Ed] With the National Institute of Health[Ed] There have been peer-reviewed studies double blind studies on this and that is L[Ed] Arganine and Jinsing it actually can help with erectile dysfunction[Ed] I was skeptical because I'm like, yeah, you know that whole homeopathic thing and you know do your own thing[Ed] Um, and supplements just in general we are skeptics of supplements in general[Ed] this particular supplement seems to be[Ed] Effective with with ed, which isn't kind of cool and something you might consider as a less[Ed] pharmaceutical-based thing[Ed] 100 percent[Ed] Any kind of supplement or anything you're going to put in your body, right?[Ed] Make sure it's quality and from a good reputable source. There are websites where you can check[Ed] Who makes supplements and whether or not they've been tested whether they're[Ed] Their supplements are safe or effective and have the ingredients that they say they have[Phoebe] They won't tell you if[Phoebe] They're effective, but they will tell you if they have the item in the pill in the bottle[Phoebe] Or if there's other contaminants in that supplement right so that you know that you're paying for[Phoebe] What you're getting and that there's no other harmful ingredients in there with it. Yeah[Ed] So no lead and arsenic and[Ed] Wood chips instead of actually what you're paying for which is which is good[Ed] I think that that's the the best you can do and then you need to rely on things like the national institute of health[Ed] or the Mayo clinic or any number of other[Ed] reputable peer-reviewed studies in order to find out whether it actually works[Ed] Do not rely on tiktok that is not a thing there are no[Ed] Oh, come on. There are no researchers that specialize in tiktok-reviewed[Ed] Work in the scientific community. It is not a thing at all. So[Ed] Go to a real source for an actual[Ed] You had not met it either[Ed] Reddit either[Ed] Lots of changes. Yeah, talk a little bit about that because you and I have been going through a lot of the that lifestyle change thing[Phoebe] Exercise diet sleep. These are[Phoebe] Not new concepts to you or to anybody[Phoebe] They are tried and true and sound advice that[Phoebe] Cherry through the test of time[Phoebe] It helps. I don't know what else to say. I mean, I know everyone's heard it. So[Phoebe] a lot of people when they start to get in the lifestyle tend to step that up anyway[Phoebe] Because they feel better about themselves there[Phoebe] They want to naturally then look better. So their exercise regime steps up, which then[Unknown] um[Ed] Creates weight loss or muscle or muscle gain and so that's a pleasant side effect right and sleep can be a little challenging when you're at these resorts or on a cruise or[Phoebe] For a weekend getaway if you're having a lot of fun and you're staying up till 3 a.m. in the morning, but[Unknown] When you're at home[Ed] Get your sleep. Yeah, yeah, for sure[Ed] So thinking about that diet and exercise. So eating the right things in other words fueling your machine properly[Ed] Helps with your circulation and[Ed] Your your overall health[Ed] exercise and diet will also help with weight reduction and weight[Ed] Directly contribute to circulation problems potential heart problems[Ed] cholesterol problems which all cut down on circulation[Ed] So you can think about anything that you put into your body that's going to interfere with blood circulation[Ed] That's what causes that to work blood circulation. So if you're interfering with that that's going to cause problems[Ed] The other thing that one of the great side effects of test of of[Ed] Exercise is testosterone. So your body will start to produce more testosterone[Ed] Which doesn't hurt in terms of sexual performance and erection. So[Ed] It helps a lot diet and exercise is one of those things where there's really no downside to it. You feel better[Ed] You can you can perform longer and those crazy positions you can hold them for longer like there's all kinds of great benefits to diet and exercise in terms of[Ed] sexual performance and erectile dysfunction[Phoebe] And as always, please consult your position[Ed] Right because even diet and exercise[Ed] Can have an impact if you're doing things that your doctor doesn't recommend. So yeah, absolutely check with your doctor[Ed] All the time for all your stuff. You should be getting annual checkups[Ed] Okay, so what to do in the moment. All right. It's happened. You're there. You're in the room. You are distracted[Ed] If PD happens, what do you do? Well, you pull a red handle on the door. No[Unknown] Handle it gracefully. How do you handle it gracefully when I've been in those situations before[Ed] Take a deep breath[Ed] Look around try to think about what's going on in the room and try to reduce those things that might be distracting you[Ed] So for example[Ed] Maybe it's the bed that you're on where it's moving around too much. You need a quiet response[Ed] Just move to the next bed[Ed] Maybe it's the way your partner's doing a particular thing and talk to them and say hey[Ed] Could you stop kicking me in the face? I'm getting a fat lip[Ed] Yeah, it did actually contribute to ED because there was no way anything was happening after I got kicked in the face[Ed] Drunkenness is bad. Anyway[Ed] The other thing to do is to think about well, that's not working. What's my plan be?[Ed] So plan B for me often is[Ed] Go back to oral[Ed] Go back to[Ed] Kissing there's massaging there's rubbing there's kissing like there's lots of other things and I know for me personally[Ed] Kissing an oral sex[Ed] Not to me, but to someone else gets me excited and I'm very focused on what I'm doing[Ed] Which means if I'm focused here, I'm not thinking about here. That helps a lot for me[Ed] And I think it's kind of hot to hear those noises going on from my partner and it does it kind of like[Unknown] Realize what's going on in my brain and I'm back in the game[Phoebe] sometimes a[Unknown] partners[Phoebe] a female partner will[Phoebe] come in and assist and give oral to her man[Phoebe] or her woman and[Phoebe] That connection because of the bond[Phoebe] allows the two to relax and they fall into what's normal for them and comfortable and that will work[Phoebe] Sometimes it doesn't work because you're still focused on what's not working right and so[Ed] To get back to my partner you're distracting me and yeah, so to your point you're you're still focusing here[Phoebe] Even though your significant other is is[Phoebe] Who's familiar is trying to give you pleasure. It's still not working because you're still focused here[Phoebe] Right, which is why if you do something different it[Ed] Works a little better for you. Yeah. Yeah for me. I also wonder too if things that could be distracting or could[Ed] Kind of throw your mind off for example[Ed] I lay down on the bed[Ed] One woman sits on my face the other one's playing with me down there if that might be enough of a[Ed] Like mind-scramble to really get me out of the moment like could I be focused?[Ed] It may still be and like I think attention to your penis[Ed] Could still keep drawing your attention back to your penis, which may or may not be helping right[Ed] Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't I've heard from another people where it's just like I just need to like ignore him for a little bit[Ed] And and I'll get back to that right[Ed] Another contributing factor is condoms to this and I was gonna say one of the things that can happen[Ed] We've had this with partners where[Ed] Just putting the condom on is enough of a distraction to to kind of throw the whole thing off[Ed] So sometimes just ignoring him for a little bit[Ed] completely[Ed] Possibly the best move and and I think the other thing that we haven't talked about yet[Ed] And that's communicating with your partner and your playmates and[Ed] Maybe even just acknowledging that something's going on[Ed] But you know what we're not going to worry about that right now. So let me know what I can do to please you[Ed] Because sometimes women are like well, you know what there's been this thing that I really wanted to have happened[Ed] I want to try that now[Ed] I want to be focused on that or it's great that you actually mentioned that because you know what I really want a lot more[Unknown] And could you could you just do that for a couple more hours and we'll just call it that[Phoebe] And the women in the lifestyle are exceptionally[Phoebe] Understanding[Phoebe] So I I know[Phoebe] It's not a fun thing to admit or bring attention to[Phoebe] But once you do it it just takes all all that pressure off people have a little[Phoebe] Laffer lightheartedness about it or they're not laughing at you. I don't think they laugh. They just go[Phoebe] Okay, no worries[Phoebe] And then you just switch up the game. Yeah, it's it's really is not not really that big of a deal[Ed] Yeah, and I think[Ed] Absolutely, there will be partners that will be missed about the whole thing and it'll be a problem for them honestly though[Ed] Maybe they're not the best partners[Ed] To be playing with because they have a very narrow view of what the the sexual experience is supposed to be if they're all about[Ed] Just the penetrative sex and they don't want to have fun any other way. Well, you know, maybe that's them[Unknown] Maybe you just don't play with that partner again, but or or so for for example what what if you[Phoebe] have answered a[Phoebe] Fett life ad that is just very dtf. They don't they don't want any conversation. They just want you to show up right at five in the morning[Unknown] and[Phoebe] And and come in and and do them and so there but but that's where they're consent and the conversation is in there's a plan and it's almost like a[Phoebe] It's like a scene, right? So you you know exactly what's happening. You've had time to think about it[Phoebe] You've had time to prepare for it. So that's different, right? Sure[Phoebe] So I I think[Phoebe] having that you[Phoebe] you[Ed] There's a different level of preparation and you've probably done it before[Ed] Yeah, and I was going to say if if you are experiencing[Ed] Any kind of ED issues on with with other partners than your[Ed] primary partner[Ed] Maybe steer clear of those particular scenes for a little bit[Ed] And until you figured out what it is that's that's causing that issue[Ed] In conclusion[Ed] The really good news is this is all normal[Ed] guys have this problem[Unknown] all the time and[Ed] It's normal even during a play situation where everything's working for him to[Ed] appear and disappear at different times during the play session[Ed] It it happens and that's okay. It doesn't have to be the end. There are plenty of things that you can do to work around it[Ed] And the big thing and I think the thing that worked for me is more confidence and more experience in these situations helps[Ed] Because your brain starts to go I can do this. I've done this before[Ed] Yes, no problem. I got it[Unknown] Right[Ed] And I think the biggest takeaway is it's a journey[Ed] And it's not about the destination. So if you can get that destination that one destination out of your mind[Ed] It takes a lot of pressure off and it's more about the experience and what's going on in the in the room[Unknown] During that play time. It's supposed to be fun[Ed] It's not supposed to be a performance. You're not going for an award. So stop treating it like that[Unknown] Start having fun. I'm glad we did this episode[Ed] Yeah, it's good. We kind of talked about the[Ed] The elephant in the room. Yeah, or at least the trunk on the elephant in the room[Phoebe] Well, we left out all the fun good stuff at the end where we talk about[Unknown] Please like us and follow us on our socials. Yeah, let's talk about that. Please please[Phoebe] Text us email us call us. We have an anonymous way on our website for you to reach out to us and leave us a[Phoebe] small message because we understand a lot of people don't want to call us from their phone because[Phoebe] Their name is attached to it. Right[Phoebe] So there's plenty of opportunities for you to reach out to us. We love hearing from you. Feel free to[Phoebe] Reach out ask us a question if you want to be on the show. Let us know[Phoebe] We can also always change your name and mask your voice[Phoebe] We have technology for that. So just let us know[Phoebe] We can do that as well[Ed] Yeah, so if you are interested reach out to us at[Ed] SwingerUniversity.com our phone number and our messaging system is all built right into that website[Ed] So absolutely check us out and there are other really cool articles and resources on that website[Ed] So you should check out SwingerUniversity.com[Unknown] Thanks everyone till next time[Unknown] Oh one last thing before you go if this episode helped you in any way[Ed] The single best thing you can do to support the show is leaving a rating and review[Ed] It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're searching for relationship education[Ed] And we've made it easy[Ed] Visit SwingerUniversity.com forward slash review[Ed] All the instructions are there[Ed] Thank you for being part of this community[Ed] We'll see you again soon