5 Tips That Made Swinging Work For Us

00:00 - Start
01:01 - Tip 1: Pace It Out
03:31 - Tip 2: Fears and Expectations
06:17 - Tip 3: Get Uncomfortable
09:05 - Tip 4: Grow and Change
12:40 - Tip 5: Trust
21:34 - Lets talk about cheating...
22:47 - Wrap Up!

Transcript

0:00

[Phoebe] We never thought swinging would be easy, and we were right.[Phoebe] At first it felt like everyone else had it all figured out, well we're just stuck in[Phoebe] our doubts and fears and enlifts, what if scenarios?[Phoebe] But we found five key things that made all the difference.[Phoebe] Five tips that helped us navigate the challenges and truly made it work.[Phoebe] If you've ever wondered how couples actually succeed in the lifestyle, you need to hear[Unknown] this.[Phoebe] Welcome to Swinger University, I'm Ed and I'm Phoebe.[Ed] Today we're going to be talking about five tips that will help you succeed in the lifestyle,[Unknown] or at least five things that we've done that really got us through this whole journey[Ed] and got us to where we are today.[Phoebe] Tip number one, we did it at our own pace.[Phoebe] We didn't let anyone else influence us, although I will say we had a serious amount of[Phoebe] FOMO that everyone else by appearances had it all figured out that it was just one big[Phoebe] breeze and we were struggling all the time.[Phoebe] So even though we were on the same page, we were fraught with challenges.[Phoebe] What were some of these challenges?[Ed] Well, a lot of times we were trying to figure out what was going to happen before it happened.[Ed] Yeah.[Ed] We were in this constant situation of, well, who's going to be there?[Ed] What's going to happen?[Ed] What are we going to do?[Phoebe] What are the expectations?[Phoebe] How do I get prepared?[Phoebe] It's so unknown that the fear was overtaking us.[Phoebe] Even though we had read about it, listened to a bazillion podcasts about it, it didn't[Phoebe] apply to us in our area.[Unknown] Right.[Ed] So the big key that we figured out, and this really is that tip, and that is that we decided[Ed] to just do what we were comfortable with and continue to make progress at that pace.[Ed] Not try to overshoot, not try to constantly reevaluate our boundaries, but when our boundaries[Ed] felt like we were ready to shift, we would shift, but not before.[Ed] So it was really just, let's just do what we like to do.[Ed] Let's be comfortable in our own skin, and for a lot of couples, that just means your[Ed] soft swap, and that's all you do, or you're just there to watch.[Ed] And all of those things are okay.[Ed] Don't feel like you have to do what everybody else is doing, like you said.[Ed] He's going to be doing their own thing, and there are people who are doing things that[Ed] are uncomfortable for them.[Unknown] You don't have to be like them.[Ed] There are people who are way overshooting their boundaries, and we don't recommend that.[Ed] We recommend staying kind of in your comfort zone.[Ed] Absolutely.[Unknown] Until you're ready.[Unknown] Until you're ready.[Phoebe] Number two, we talked about our fears, lots and lots of conversations about fears,[Phoebe] expectations, what if scenarios, and it helped a lot.[Unknown] We did a lot of analysis, and I think in hindsight, it was a little bit of analysis paralysis,[Phoebe] but that's just how we were consuming our information.[Phoebe] They're, like I said, 10, 12 years ago, wasn't a whole lot of information out there.[Unknown] Other than just podcasts, there was a few books, but we didn't even really find out about[Phoebe] the books until way later.[Phoebe] And I don't even know if adult dating sites, other than monogamous dating sites existed.[Phoebe] Did SDC Cassidy and the SLS even exist?[Ed] Oh, yeah.[Ed] They were there.[Phoebe] And we didn't do sign up for them.[Phoebe] Well, was it a money thing?[Ed] No, I think we didn't know about them because we didn't Google search for them.[Unknown] And at the time, they just didn't pop up on our radar.[Ed] And it wasn't until, I think, months later that we figured out, oh, it's not just Craigslist,[Ed] there is an SLS and we can log in there and we can find out about parties and events.[Ed] But we know about dating sites, like vanilla dating sites, because that's how we'd met,[Ed] was through a dating site.[Ed] We didn't know that there were swing or dating sites at the time.[Unknown] It's ironic that Craigslist popped up for adult dating site, but offshoot of adult dating[Phoebe] site, like more than just adult, like one night stand hookups or swing or hookups before[Phoebe] SDC Castle, you're honest, even showed up.[Phoebe] It was Craigslist.[Ed] Yeah.[Ed] Well, because Craigslist at the time had set up a whole section for meeting other people.[Ed] It was kind of a hookup site.[Ed] It was an R for R, if you will.[Ed] People looking for another person to do a particular thing.[Ed] It was fun.[Ed] It was a great section of Craigslist.[Ed] And then, of course, the 18 and over validation law kicked in and Craigslist shut all that[Ed] stuff down because human trafficking, which I'm sure happened on Craigslist, but that[Ed] was not the majority of users.[Ed] It was, yeah, it was people like us who were looking for parties, fun stuff to do.[Phoebe] All right.[Ed] Number three, we tried uncomfortable things.[Ed] So the whole thing about kind of staying in your lane and going at your own pace, we knew[Ed] that, well, our feelings popped up and we started to get comfortable to go, I'm a little[Ed] excited to try something different.[Ed] Are you okay with that?[Ed] So as an example, we've got a great episode about our first full swap experience.[Ed] If you haven't watched that, absolutely check it out and there's a link to it up above.[Ed] We got to a point where we started to get excited about new things to try.[Ed] We were like, ooh, that looks like a lot of fun.[Unknown] We should try that.[Ed] But we wanted to make sure that we weren't getting hurt in the process, right?[Ed] Or that if something was uncomfortable, that we would talk about it, so go back to the[Ed] previous tip where we were having conversations to make sure that we were both comfortable.[Ed] We were willing to kind of try anything once just to see if we liked it.[Ed] If we were okay with trying it out.[Ed] So when something presented itself, we would have a little conversation about it.[Ed] What do you think?[Unknown] Should we try it?[Ed] Yeah, if we don't like it, we'll go back to the way we were.[Phoebe] I think we also were, because we had talked so much about what if scenarios that when[Phoebe] a scenario presented itself,[Phoebe] we were comfortable enough to go, yeah, sure, let's pull the trigger and do it.[Phoebe] Because I remember there were a lot of in the moment decisions when we decided to push[Phoebe] some boundaries.[Unknown] Yes.[Phoebe] And I think that was because we laid some of that foundation ahead of time, the what[Phoebe] of scenarios, and we got comfortable with our environment as well.[Phoebe] And it was an environment we felt safe in.[Ed] Yeah, and I think we had had, like you said, enough conversations, but we'd also gotten[Ed] to a point where when we'd kind of stretched our boundaries a little bit and it didn't blow[Ed] up in our faces, yeah, we go, okay, I feel okay with testing the water a little bit to see how[Ed] it's going to go because we've done so well at recovering.[Ed] So a lot of this is trying new things, seeing how you feel and not just how you feel about[Ed] that thing, but how well do you recover from trying those new things?[Phoebe] Yeah, exactly.[Phoebe] Number four, we allowed growth and change.[Ed] We need your help so that your community, the very one you love and have so much fun with,[Ed] can also find our show.[Ed] Here's a really easy way to do that.[Ed] If you're listening on Apple podcasts or Spotify, hit that follow button and leave us a rating.[Ed] If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe and turn on notifications.[Ed] We can't emphasize enough how much this helps the Swinger community and it truly is up to you[Ed] to make that happen. It makes a massive difference in whether new listeners can even find us.[Ed] And here's the thing, when someone searches Swinger podcast, the algorithm doesn't[Ed] care how good our content is or how long we've been around. It only cares about ratings and[Unknown] reviews. We'd appreciate it and your community will really appreciate it. Thanks for listening.[Ed] Yeah, as we were experimenting and we tried different things, we had different preferences.[Ed] And so we got to points where we were okay with soft swap after a little while.[Ed] We tried that for a little bit. We grew, we changed. Our experiences were good enough where we[Ed] said, wow, this is great. Let's just sit in this for a little while. We'll stay here. We'll enjoy[Ed] these experiences until they didn't feel quite as fresh or new or exciting as what they were.[Ed] And we wanted to try different things. So we grew. I do remember in the very beginning[Phoebe] that it was weird to me to have you watch. It felt strange. I know it doesn't, I know it's not[Phoebe] going to make sense. But in my mind, it felt like I was cheating if I was doing it in front of you.[Phoebe] Even though I had your consent, I felt like I needed to have that experience in a separate room[Phoebe] with a single guy. And that's how my brain was working. It was like I had compartmentalized[Phoebe] relationship mode with dating mode. And I didn't feel like I could completely be free with my body.[Phoebe] Yeah. And my experience, unless I was in, quote, relationship mode, which meant you had to be[Phoebe] completely on the picture. And so it was this weird opposition. And so that was my proposal to[Phoebe] you in the beginning. And you were like, I don't know about that. I'd be willing to give you that[Phoebe] experience probably three, maybe four times. But after that, that's my limit. Yeah. Yeah.[Phoebe] And I was like, hmm, okay, because I couldn't really see anything past that to me. It was just a[Unknown] hard line. And I'm like, okay, well, let's see where we go after three times. Yeah. And then[Phoebe] it never happened. It never happened. It in fact, it never happened in it as a separate room[Phoebe] ever with a single guy. It only happened with a single guy with you in the room[Ed] like a decade later. Yeah. Yeah. We were way deep into this experience before we got to that[Ed] place. It's kind of crazy. We did have a couple experiences in hotel parties where there were three[Ed] or four or five couples. And we ended up in separate play situations. But it wasn't it wasn't[Phoebe] intended. It's just there's no room on the bed. Yeah. There's no room on the bed. Which[Phoebe] happens where you go to get a snack or a drink and you start to have a conversation with somebody[Unknown] and all of a sudden you fall on to a couch. Right. And what we did learn from all of these[Ed] experiences as we went through them was there were there were things that we were more comfortable with[Ed] and we kind of just fell into our own groove again. So yeah. Once again, we went into our own pace[Unknown] as we learned things. We backed off. We moved forward. It just we we were honest with each other[Ed] and which is really great because that kind of leads us into tip number five, which is trust.[Ed] We we prided ourselves and we were very conscientious from the very beginning that we had to be honest[Ed] with each other about our feelings and honesty. And this is this is going to be a little bit of a[Ed] bare admission. So those of you who've watched this bar good for you because you're going to get[Ed] some some some deep inside secrets. Why? Very early on we had struggled with what level of honesty[Unknown] we had with each other, especially when it came to sex. Oh yeah. And there was a period of time[Ed] where you felt compelled to to fake orgasms. Yeah. Because you wanted to make sure I was having[Unknown] a good time. Yeah. It's my was my my my perception was it's you know it's my job to[Phoebe] make sure somebody's having a good time. Right. Whether it's I'm hosting a party and I've got guests[Phoebe] everybody I'm trying to make sure everyone has a good time. If I'm with a male partner, I want to[Phoebe] make sure he has a good time. Right. So I would do that at my own detriment. Yes. Yeah. I was[Phoebe] taught to fake it if if it wasn't real. And that was you know part of societal programming from when[Phoebe] I was brought up and part of maybe that people pleaser in me. So yeah. I got into the bad habit[Phoebe] of doing that. And when that came out, that was really hard for me to disclose. Yeah. Yeah.[Guest] Because I had to be honest with myself first. Yes. And then I had to tell you and you were[Phoebe] really upset. You were shocked and upset because you were you felt I think well you tell how you[Ed] felt. Yeah. I'm glad that you brought up the introspection part because for me it[Ed] not having that information, not having the knowledge that I wasn't pushing the right buttons[Ed] or at least not in the right order or the right timing robbed me of the opportunity to learn[Ed] how your body worked. Right. And it sets us up for some really bad experiences in the lifestyle[Ed] because no one's ever going to figure out the buttons if you don't tell them that they're not[Unknown] figuring out the buttons. Right. And for those of you who are out there who are not getting what[Ed] you expect out of an experience, you have to tell people it's that honesty. You have to trust that[Ed] the partner that you're with is telling you what you need to know to adjust to get better at what[Ed] you're doing. Right. So it's okay. Guys, you're not going to get it right most of the time[Ed] with a new partner. Right. So you got to learn. You got to look for the cues. You got to have that[Ed] conversation ahead of time and sit and just be honest and go, I don't know any of your buttons.[Ed] You're going to have to tell me what your buttons are. So if I'm doing something right, let me know,[Ed] grab my hair, pull me in deeper, whatever you need to do to communicate that I'm on the right[Ed] track. That's what I want. I want feedback. I want to know what's working. The other thing that we[Phoebe] also always kept saying to each other was, we are in it together. This is a team sport, if you will.[Phoebe] Right. And either one of us can pull the plug at any time if it's not enjoyable, if it's causing[Phoebe] too much stress, distress. In fact, we basically did pull the plug for about eight, nine months[Phoebe] because of the overwhelm. I was just, it was too much stimulus. It was too much information.[Phoebe] It was a lot of mental and emotional processing. So I just needed a break. I was exhausted.[Ed] Yeah. There was also a period of time where we weren't having great experiences at the parties.[Ed] Right. And we were still trying to figure out how do we navigate all of that stuff? What do we[Ed] need to do? And I think what we finally came to was lowering our expectations when we go to[Ed] parties. And you'll hear people say this a lot, but that's really hard to do. That's not an easy[Ed] thing to do. Right. And a lot of it is just comes down to being present, being mindful of how[Unknown] you're feeling and do what you're, what you're feeling that night. So if you're not feeling sexy,[Ed] you could go to the party and be social, but don't like pressure yourself to do something that[Unknown] you're not comfortable with and definitely don't set yourself up for being disappointed because[Ed] you and your partner are not on the same page. And that's the whole we're in this together.[Ed] Not only can we pull back when we're feeling uncomfortable or when something bothers us,[Ed] but also if we both show up at a party and we're going in different directions like I'm in it[Ed] and you're not, we've got to be together on that. We can't have two different agendas at a party.[Ed] And so we had a game plan before each party and we did a mid party check-in to see how we were[Phoebe] doing. How are you feeling now? And the other thing that helped too was really setting the tone[Phoebe] for that evening initially and not to say that it didn't change in the midpoint recap when we did[Phoebe] our huddle, but you're right. Sometimes I wanted to go and just be social and I wasn't[Phoebe] feeling particularly sexy that day or that evening and I thought, well, maybe the vibe,[Unknown] the music, the people will get me in the mood. But if not, then at least I'm going to have some[Phoebe] really great open conversations with everybody and we'll get to meet some new people and hopefully[Unknown] make some connections because the face-to-face interaction for me was worth the $60, $80 that we[Phoebe] spent on the house party because getting to know someone on a chat was practically impossible.[Phoebe] And sometimes the evening change or shifted and all of a sudden somebody peaked my interest and[Unknown] I'm like, okay, let's have some fun tonight. Yeah, and so many of our experiences have been[Ed] going in with an open mind. Maybe that's a better way of saying it than low, no expectations. It's[Ed] be open to whatever's going to happen there, whether it's just social or whether it's sexy.[Ed] And oftentimes we would end up at a party and things you got into the mood and things change for us.[Phoebe] What I think really shifted was because you've hired the babysitter, you snuck out of the house[Phoebe] because your kids are there and they want to know what you're wearing, so you're changing in the[Phoebe] car. Maybe you got a hotel room, you paid for the party, you spent an hour or two getting ready,[Phoebe] shaving every part of your body, getting your hair. I mean, there are hours and financial[Phoebe] commitments that went into this and you're thinking, I don't want it to just be a meet and greet,[Phoebe] right? Right. So we decided since we had children in the house still that if nobody at the party[Phoebe] was exciting or that wasn't really going the way we preferred, we took it as an opportunity to[Phoebe] just play ourselves. Right. And since we liked being exhibitionists, we sometimes got the party[Phoebe] started and we still played with ourselves. And if we spent $80 or $60 on a house party,[Phoebe] it was still cheaper than getting a hotel in the city where we lived to go have time[Phoebe] where we could be loud and do things that we wanted to do that we couldn't really do in a house[Phoebe] because ears. Yeah. So that's where we were a team and on the same page also where we're like,[Phoebe] let's just, this is an us activity. If no one tickles our fancy, let's do us. Right. And we did.[Ed] Let's do each other. And I think this trust tip wouldn't be complete if we didn't talk about[Ed] the thing that everybody thinks swinging is all about. And that is that it's cheating that you[Unknown] are having sex with someone other than your lifelong partner. Therefore it's cheating. And this is,[Ed] this is where we have a disagreement with it where it's not cheating because it's a mutual[Ed] decision. Just like you both decide to go on vacation together to Disneyland, you both decided[Ed] to go do this together. It's an activity that you have chosen to do together, which means[Ed] that if you are in fact doing it without the consent of your partner, that is cheating.[Ed] If you're doing things that they don't know about and aren't aware of unless they've[Ed] consented to that, it's non-consensual and therefore it is not the ENM. It is not ethical[Unknown] non-monogamy. That's just cheating. And there's no faster way of breaking your partner's trust[Unknown] than cheating on them or doing things without their knowledge. Period. Yeah. So let's recap.[Unknown] What are the five things? Go at your own pace, talk about your fears, try uncomfortable things,[Unknown] allow growth and change and trust one another. Thanks for watching. Don't forget your homework,[Ed] tell a friend about our show and leave a review or a comment down below. You can also leave us a[Ed] voicemail at 916-538-0482 or reach out to us at SwingerUniversity.com. You can leave us a message[Ed] there, you can leave us an email. We even have a little widget on our contact page where you can[Ed] leave us a 90 second voice message and if you want to be on the show, let us know. We'll put that[Unknown] in. Also, if you want to go on vacation with us, check out our vacation page because we have[Unknown] all kinds of fun and exciting vacations planned. We are actually next year going on two cruises[Phoebe] on Virgin. So if you want to hang out with us, check out that page.[Unknown] And as we say, keep learning, keep growing and keep it sexy. Oh, one last thing before you go.[Ed] If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the show is[Ed] leaving a rating and review. It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they're[Ed] searching for relationship education. And we've made it easy. Visit SwingerUniversity.com[Unknown] forward slash review. All the instructions are there.[Unknown] Thank you for being part of this community. We'll see you again soon.