Does My Hobby Offend Your Lifestyle?

Is swinging just a lighthearted hobby… or a defining lifestyle choice? In this episode of our swinger lifestyle podcast, we dive into the hobby vs lifestyle debate that’s sparking conversations across the swinger community and beyond.

We explore why some couples embrace swinging as a fun, occasional activity — a playful part of ethical non‑monogamy — while others see it as a core relationship identity tied to trust, intimacy, and community. Along the way, we unpack the emotional depth, communication skills, and social connections that make the swinger lifestyle more than just a weekend pastime.
Whether you’re curious about open relationships, navigating consensual non‑monogamy, or simply interested in how language shapes modern relationship dynamics, this conversation will challenge your perspective.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

• Why some call swinging a “hobby” and the benefits of that framing
• Why others find the term dismissive or offensive
• How relationship labels influence identity and belonging
• The spectrum from casual hobby to committed lifestyle
• Why there’s no one‑size‑fits‑all answer
  
  

📌 Join the conversation — What term do you use, and why? Drop your thoughts in the comments.
🔔 Subscribe for more open, honest discussions on alternative lifestyle relationships, intimacy, and community.

Transcript

0:00

(upbeat music) We're tackling a hot button topic in the Swinger community. Is it a hobby or a lifestyle? The debate, some people proudly call swinging a hobby while others are deeply offended by the term. And you know who you are, we're speaking directly to you. Our goal, we'll explore both sides of this argument to understand why the language matters and what it says about our relationships.(upbeat music) All right, well, let's talk about it. The hobby argument, we use that term a lot and it worked for us. I mean, we were-- Many, many years. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we were dabbling. Yeah, and we were raising kids and we had other hobbies and we had very limited time. So it was, it fit in like a hobby because we didn't have time to quote, live the lifestyle which we didn't even really know what that meant. We just knew that it meant all consuming. Yeah, and we didn't know that other people called it a hobby either. That was just what we came up with when we first started. And I think part of it comes down to this definition of like, what is a hobby? And it's a quote thing you do. Is that what it says? A thing you do. It's a thing you do. And I mean, it could be anything, right? Like anything you do, like collecting baseball cards or-- Polishing rocks. Or racing automobiles and motorcycles or whatever. And really framing swinging as a fun activity for enjoyment just like golf or painting, right? It's fun and you've got some tools that go along with it. Ours is a little go bag with condoms and lube in it. Yes, and you can get the same type of adrenaline rush as well. Right? From this hobby, which is what keeps people coming back. Exactly, yeah. The other thing that's interesting about this is that it really is kind of like a separation from your identity. Like you identify as whoever you are and what you do on a daily basis. I think too many people as an example, identify with what their job is. They're like, oh, that's my identity. That's who I am. Oh, I'm an engineer or I'm an accountant or whatever. And that really isn't who you are. That isn't your identity. But to associate a fun activity that you do once a month or once a quarter or once a year when you go to desire as your quote, lifestyle, as your identity, I could see that being a very big stretch for a lot of people. We certainly didn't identify that way. Like it wasn't all consuming. It wasn't a quote, lifestyle at the time. And I think part of this is that with this separation from your identity, it kind of gives you a little bit of privacy too. That's true. A place to retreat from that hobby when things get heated or overwhelming. You and your partner aren't on the same page. You need time to pull back and reassess or have some communication. Yeah, and part of that whole hobby thing too is you can kind of put it down when you don't wanna do it. So to your point, we went through periods of time where we were like, we need a break. We just need to step away from it a little bit. And if it was your lifestyle, well, we'll get into lifestyle in a little bit. But there's also this kind of fun playful connotation to it. Hobby sounds less serious. It takes some of the pressure and that emotional weight. You're like, whoa, I'm committing to a lifestyle. And it's like, well, no, it's more like a hobby. We just do it every once in a while with our friends. It's kind of fun. It's light, it's fun. Yes, I agree, definitely. And I think this aspect of the light fun, you can set it aside when you need to nature is why a lot of couples really identify with that hobby phrase. That just makes the most sense for them because they don't feel as entrenched in it, ingrained in it. Now let's do a con on hobby. And I think, and this will kind of segue us into the whole lifestyle argument. And I think because there is such a personal nature to it, because people are emotionally invested with their sexuality and their partner and their marriage is on the line, that I think this concept of a hobby being too light and fluffy that they're not taking it seriously enough. Yeah, that is a really good point. Yeah. I don't know what else to say. That was a very good point. Nailed it, mic drop. Done. So let's do the converse, right? Let's talk about the whole lifestyle argument and why hobby is offensive because we've got some more details down in here. Okay, keep going, you're doing a good job. I'm doing a good job, all right. Handing the reins over to Ed this time. I think the switch to lifestyle, and we can talk about this a little bit personally, was that lifestyle really implies this change in how couples communicate and build trust and how they live. And it's not just a weekend activity. Right, becomes, well, it starts, let me rephrase that. Your vanilla friends start to kind of fade away into the background. Maybe they don't, but we've heard that they tend to fade away into the background and you gain more lifestyle friends. Right. The other thing that happens is as you start to become more comfortable in the lifestyle, some couples like to come out and tell their family and tell their friends. Right. And in that disclosure, the vanilla friends will fall away because they don't agree and they can't abide by that. And so they're like, see ya, nice knowing ya. But that's okay because they have their lifestyle friends to fall on and support them. Yeah, it's interesting that you mentioned that because I had someone reach out to us and send me a text message. I may have been in Telegram. Anyway, and he went through a lot of detail about how they don't disclose anymore to their vanilla friends that their lifestyle. Did they used to disclose? They did. And they had a number of friends who once they, once the curtain was pulled back, really freaked out and just cut off contact. We've heard the opposite from other people that were like, wow, they don't get it. It's not for them, but they're like, you do you. Like that sounds like you're having your best life. Yeah, and we've been to parties where they blended their vanilla and their lifestyle friends and their vanilla friends know about their lifestyle friends but they don't care. They're just lifestyle adjacent. They're accepting of the activity but they know it's not for them and everyone else knows that they're vanilla but they, we can all coexist the same party. And it was fabulous. I was really surprised at this blending of the two. Yeah, we didn't go to that party. We went to the other party, which was like all lifestyle people because then the shenanigans started happening. But yes, that particular group had those two groups very well blended. Yeah. The emotional depth. So part of this whole like opening up and changing your communication and maybe even changing your circle of friends, for many this lifestyle is a source of community and this is the big one, social identity. So it's kind of like its own subculture. There's a whole different set of conversations that you have about it. There's a whole different, I would even say seasons for things. Like you know that in March or April and November, you're gonna go on a lifestyle cruise. So like your whole life kind of starts to revolve around certain key things, certain key events. Like it's, you know, your friends are going, so you start going too. It's this whole thing. Yeah, you start to prepare a month or two in advance, shopping for your items. The chat groups start to get really busy. You start sharing a lot of photos and having conversations with people, trying to get to know them. So it becomes more consuming. Yeah. Yeah, and so you're starting to pick your hobby back up and you do it for, it's usually right around a big event, like a desire or any kind of adult resort or a cruise. It's usually about two months ahead of time where things really start to ramp up. Yeah, and some of that's just being prepared to go to an event, but some of it too is that whole anticipation and the chatter amongst friends and you, maybe you've got a new social media group that you're involved in. There's a telegram group where you're starting to chat with the people who are gonna be on the cruise. So there's this like culture shift, if you will, where you start hanging out with those people more often. And I think this is where the big kind of twist your panties in a knot comes in with lifestyle versus hobby. And it's really kind of minimizing that significance. And I kind of mentioned it before, where it's calling it a hobby feels dismissive. It kind of minimizes this hard work and all the emotional labor that couples invest in order to A, get into the lifestyle and B, maintain their relationship despite the lifestyle, maybe throwing obstacles in their way. Did we talk about the emotional depth part? Jealousy and security. Let's talk about it. So, I think when you're viewing it as a hobby, it's not that you're not gonna encounter emotions and insecurities, but when you're in a lifestyle, there seem to be less of those hiccups because you've been to enough events and depending on how active you are. So I would say if you're, if you're in a lifestyle, you're not gonna be able to do that. If you're not that active, and you go to one adult event a year and you have conversations with your partner for a month, pretty intensely about that or two months, and then the other 10 months of the year, you don't. Your progress, so to speak, and it's all relative to each couple and how they process things is going to be a little different if you're going to a meet and greet every week and then every month you're at a party and then every quarter you're on a cruise or you're at a resort. So after a while you start to get the feel like, oh yeah, I know how this works, I've been to this event before or I've been to something similar, this is how it's gonna go down, so that sense of ease starts to set in. Yeah, and I think we definitely experienced that from the very beginning, that sense of we don't know who's gonna be at the party, we don't know what the situation's gonna be like, we're not sure how that dynamic is gonna go or how we're gonna feel before. And I know you're the planner and you wanted to kind of know how that evening was gonna go before we even got there. And I think-- Oh yeah, for sure. As we got into it longer, it became much easier for us to not worry so much about it because it felt familiar. Yes. It was comfortable. And I think that lifestyle aspect where you kind of live it day to day or at least on a frequent enough basis where it's not uncomfortable. You don't have kind of this like start stop cycle where you have to kind of like get the engine warmed up again and feel where you were before. Right. And those big gaps when you don't do it regularly, they can be pretty jarring. I mean, it's pretty rough going, God, what do we do? What do we say? Who's gonna be there? Because the people who you were used to being there all the time, they may not be at that party anymore, that the community may have completely changed. Mm-hmm, yep. Exactly. Next. All right. So there's, I'm gonna just say it. I don't think it's, I don't think either camp is right or wrong. I think they're both right. And I think like everything in sexuality and especially in the lifestyle that it's a spectrum. You're not all in and you're not just a hobbyist. It just depends on where you are. And I even think from a hobby standpoint, I'm gonna play a devil's advocate argument with the hobby for a second. Everybody knows somebody who has a hobby that's so all consuming that they wear the gear. Their whole house is decorated that way. Every weekend is with those friends to do that hobby. Mm-hmm, kind of like sports. Exactly like sports. I used the example when we were out on our walk about the RC car hobby. Those guys have conventions and races and all their buddies are building cars and they're like in chat groups talking about it and they've got magazine subscriptions about it and they're watching TV, they're watching the national championship. All of that. I mean, you could even think of like RVing as, it's a hobby but it's also a lifestyle because you've invested in this thing and so you've got to go do it all the time boating. I mean, I can't name very many hobbies that are not all consuming and pretty much suck up all of your money and your free time. Well, especially if they're based around a community and some hobbies are. Even knitting groups, they get together once a month, once a quarter. That's a pretty solo activity. Yeah, it's very individualistic but then there's that social component. Right. So it's really interesting. I think my fear of calling it a lifestyle was that I didn't want it to consume me and I thought it was the kind of this gateway into polyamory and I knew that wasn't for me. Now, from this perspective, not knowing anything about polyamory other than what I've read and the people I've talked to, I don't have any direct experience with it, that that would feel 100% more like a lifestyle to me because you're living it every day with somebody else living in your house. You're living as a triad or a quad or whatever. Sure, sure. So to me, that's more lifestyle but you can be lifestyle as a swinger. Just most of your time and the activities you do are with lifestyle friends and their vacations are lifestyle. You don't go on any other vacations. Maybe. No. Some do but some don't. Yeah, yeah. And I think that there's a fair number of people who kind of qualify it as a lifestyle because it's the first group that they think of when they think about what they wanna do for fun. And I think that that's the whole thing where you kind of have this mindset shift where that becomes kind of this predefined thought process about almost everything. Oh, well, we can't go do X, Y, and Z with the vanilla people because we've got that thing with... I wonder if it's the community. I wonder if the community is really what makes it the lifestyle. Because as a hobbyist, if you're not doing things with the community, you are kind of isolated, you dabble, you do your thing. But then as you start to gain more connections and friendships, then it becomes more of this community lifestyle. People care for you. They're there on your doorstep bringing you meals if someone in your family dies. They're there, they're real people. But then I would also say you could fall out of the lifestyle too if the community dies off. Maybe a local promoter in your area isn't bringing that community together, or you're not very good at bringing the community. The communities are like big families. You always have the matriarch that brings everyone together for the Christmas and Halloween and Thanksgiving and whatnot. So once that person's gone, if no one takes up the torch, how are you supposed to get together? So that's kind of what happened in our area, and our community got very fractured. So we feel like there really isn't a lifestyle. We feel a little out of it. We feel more like hobbyists now. So we went from hobby to lifestyle, and now we're kind of back to hobby. And I think it's because of the community. Yeah, and I would say the one exception for us of course, is that we do the podcast. So we're kind of living it and breathing it day in and day out all the time. So if anything, the lifestyle has just changed for us a little bit, and that we don't get to play as much as we used to, because there's not as many events as there used to be. Although, we're starting to get connected back with that. So we'll see. And some more promoters are starting to pop up in our area, so I'm really excited about that. Yes, yes. Stay tuned for that. We've got a new venue that has opened recently, or is opening really soon, and so we will have more news about that. So the other thing I think that really hangs people up, and I think this is key for almost every single phrase in the lifestyle, and that is the language of it, the terminology, it trips everybody up. So hobby means one thing to one person, and lifestyle means something else to the same person. And I think you can say soft swap to one couple or full swap to another, and that may mean something completely different to them. Like there's a classic definition for all of these things, but how people kind of interpret that almost becomes a dialect, a sub-dialect of the bigger language. And I think that's what most people get hung up on with the word hobby and why it becomes so controversial. I've had people say, oh, well, you just don't take it seriously then. If you're calling it a hobby, you're just not serious about the community or the lifestyle or whatever. Right. What does that mean? And the counter argument to that is, how do you not take it a little serious? I mean, you're having sex with other people, so like-- Who really cares how I define it? Right, that too. Like you said, to your point, people define soft and full and all the other definitions a little differently, which is why having a better conversation about what people are into, because there's varying degrees of soft. Right. So-- That's a lot of stuff on the table to discuss. Yeah, yeah. For sure, for sure. So in conclusion, there's no single answer for all of this. It's not a right term or a wrong term. The most important thing is to understand the different perspectives and the use, the language that feels right for you and your partner. And I guess the final thought that I have on this whole thing is, does the label truly matter? Or is it just semantics? What term do you use and why? We'd love to hear about it in the comments, whether you've ever used the word hobby, or you've always thought of yourselves as quote,"lifestylers." We use the term kind of interchangeably, and we definitely still refer to it as a hobby for some people, because it's kind of a fun thing to do on weekends with your friends. Yeah, and it's funny how it's changed, like I said before, over the years. When I'm more active, when there's more parties to go to and the community is more active, I feel like I'm more in the lifestyle. Right, right. So, but that's just me. That's how I personally relate to it. So what did you think? Good topic, interesting, fun, people have a good time. Yeah, it was a good topic. Yeah. I liked it. It was fun. It was a good topic. It was fun. I had fun. Cool, cool, cool. Well, folks, thank you for joining us and talking about hobby versus lifestyle. If you wanna reach out to us, please visit our website at swingeruniversity.com. We have a hotline that you can call 916-538-0482, and you can leave us messages, comments, whatever, and you can even be on the show if you leave us something that you want us to put in the show. And if you wanna be more anonymous, there's a little message button on our website where you can push it and you can leave us a 90-second message and it's completely anonymous, so no phone number attached to it or anything. And last but not least, thank you for tuning in. Thank you for sharing this time with us, and we'll see you guys next time. Bye, everyone.(upbeat music)