Dirty Vanillas Are Ruining Swinging (Or Are They?)

There's a real debate happening in the lifestyle community: Are "dirty vanillas" (people showing up to swinger events but not actually swinging) ruining the experience? Or is the real problem something we've completely misunderstood? In this episode, Ed and Phoebe dig into the data, share surprising stories, and challenge everything you thought you knew about who belongs in these spaces. By the end, you might see this conversation—and the community—completely differently.

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 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN

• Why 1/3 of Americans are exploring something other than traditional monogamy—and why this changes everything about the "dirty vanilla" debate

• The spectrum of play styles and why there's actually NO official definition of what makes someone a "real" swinger

• A real story from a couple in Costa Rica who called themselves "swinger adjacent"—and why their approach is brilliant

• How preferences literally shift from event to event, week to week—and why labels fail to capture what's actually happening

• The single most important skill that actually works when you're trying to figure out what someone is REALLY looking for at an event

• Why swingers have figured out something that the rest of us are still struggling with: how to create genuinely judgment-free, welcoming spaces

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KEY MOMENTS (WITH TIMESTAMPS)

• [00:01:04] The stat that reframes everything: One-third of Americans want something other than complete monogamy—and why this changes the debate entirely

• [00:03:51] Breaking down Gen Z, millennials, and Gen X data on non-monogamy—and why 31% of singles have actually explored this

• [00:06:13] The question that flips the script: Maybe it's not "Why are vanillas here?" but "Why are we gatekeeping who belongs?"

• [00:08:01] The "Swinger Adjacent" couple from Costa Rica and their unforgettable exact words about the lifestyle community

• [00:06:38] Why "soft swap" and "full swap" are way more complicated than they sound—the spectrum within the spectrum

• [00:27:00] How to actually ask the questions that matter—the simple framework that changes everything

• [00:29:45] The bigger picture: What non-swingers