The Imposter Within with Rocky Garza

Ever feel like an imposter? Imagine unlocking the secrets to self-acceptance and a confidence that resonates from within. That's exactly what clarity coach and speaker Rocky Garza invites us to do in a conversation that is as raw as it is revolutionary. With Rocky's guidance, we peel back the layers of our own narratives to confront the fears and desires that mold our identities. It's a journey that promises not just insights but transformative action through the art of identity mapping, challenging our thoughts, and embracing vulnerability.

As we navigate the intricacies of self-awareness, Rocky introduces us to the impactful concept of identity mapping, helping us articulate our values and live more genuine lives. We discover the power of core values, the clarity they bring to decision-making, and the strength that comes with knowing oneself beyond professional titles. Through personal stories and candid confessions, Rocky and I also tackle the warrior's spirit within us all, preparing us for the daily battles of life with emotional readiness and a mindset that cultivates growth and healing in the face of adversity.

The episode culminates in an exploration of the profound effects of forgiveness, reconciliation, and the importance of vulnerability in personal development. We hear heart-touching narratives of making amends, the courage it takes to mend strained bonds, and the enduring connections that result. And for those on a quest to be guided to their best selves, Rocky's own story illustrates the life-altering power of coaching, providing a beacon of hope for anyone feeling lost or stuck. Join us for this incredible journey with Rocky Garza, and step into the clarity and confidence that awaits.

Bio: Rocky Garza is extremely good at one thing, helping individuals see the clearest picture of themselves that they’ve ever seen. Clarity about who you are, what you do, and why you do it makes you a better employee, friend, parent, and spouse. How much more focused would you be at your job if you were acutely aware of what your strengths are and how to utilize them best? How much more sure would you feel about making big life decisions knowing that your core values aligned with your choice? Answers to questions like th

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:43

All right, welcome back everybody to another episode of the Do Our Things podcast. I'm your host, jt Running Coach, certified High Performance Mindset Coach, and I'd like to welcome you to another episode of the Do Our Things podcast, where we intersect the topics of high performance, mindset and endurance sports, and it's been a minute since we've had an interview on here, but I'm honored and excited to have our guest today, rocky Garza, to come in today, and Rocky Garza is a renowned clarity coach and speaker. We're going to talk about experiencing more freedom in life and living with confidence, and I'll read you his bio in a second. But let me show up the business end real quick. So this episode is sponsored by Do Heart Things Nation, which is a veteran owned event and apparel company that promotes an active lifestyle, developing mental and physical toughness through events, running coaching, mindset coaching in person and virtual events so you can dominate life. Go over to DoOurThingsNationcom. We have a high quality apparel that inspires you to do hard things. You can join the Facebook community, the mailing list, submit a recommendation for the weekly winner and, yeah, just see all the events that we have coming up. We've got a bunch of stuff coming up, so you're going to want to keep tabs over there, so go DoOurThingsNationcom and see the latest and greatest.

Speaker 1 1:55

So let me introduce to you our guest, so, rocky Garza. Here's his intro. So, after graduating with a communications degree from Texas A&M University, rocky has helped thousands of individuals find their clarity while serving as the director of a youth camp on the pastoral staff at Chase Oaks Church, owning and operating multiple creative businesses, and even, most recently, as a coach to high achievers and acclaimed keynote speaker to purpose driven companies. In all of his roles, rocky's had one goal to challenge the stories we tell ourselves so we can experience the freedom and confidence of living vulnerably. Clarity, transformation and freedom. That's why Rocky does what he does. That's why everyone of his coaching sessions, workshops and keynotes can be boiled down to one simple truth that who you are is good. Rocky, I appreciate you taking the time to be here. How are you doing today?

Speaker 2 2:46

I'm doing wonderful, Jay. I appreciate it. Thanks so much for having me on the show.

Speaker 1 2:49

I love the topic of clarity. As someone that is a performance coach myself and in a big life transition, I'm trying to figure out who I am. I like the very last line there of who you are is good. I had a period in my life where I didn't love myself and it's hard to be effective. It's hard to love other people. It's hard to just be happy in life or clear about who you are if you don't love yourself. As I've worked with clients in the past, that's a topic that's coming up and I love that because you've got to love yourself and you've got to know that you're good and you have to be comfortable with yourself and confident in yourself. Tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, and we'll get into today's topic.

Speaker 2 3:42

Yeah, yeah, I appreciate you having me on the show. I've been in the coaching and speaking space for about the last decade or so, working mostly with organizations. I always joke that I'm the only keynote speaker in the world who's never had a corporate gig and never had a resume. I think I find oftentimes I find myself in the environment, in groups of places, where in the first two or three minutes, I walk out on stage or I get in front of the group and I think to myself, I think like many of us, and I go yo, this is a bad idea, jake, like I shouldn't be here. How did I get here? Yeah, I'm looking around and I'm looking at credentials. I'm looking at this. I was recently at an event It'll this will tie in, I promise. I was recently at an event for speakers and how to get better bookings and so on. At the table I was sitting at, I was sitting with a US Olympic gold medalist, a three-time Canadian gold medalist and an NFL player, former pro bowler and me. The four of us were at a table together and we were all learning how to speak and how to grow our speaking business and I had this exact same moment of like. So I yeah, I, I'm bald, I've been, I'm married, you know like got a couple of kids. That was cool, accomplished that. So but I think in those moments where we go like wait a second, I look around, what is happening. How did I get here?

Speaker 2 4:54

You know, for me it comes back to the statement you said. I think that the phrase you are good came from a place of trying to simply, as possible, define what confidence is. And confidence, for me at least, confidence, the way that I like to define it is simply the belief that something is good, right, like we go and we see a chair, we want to sit in a chair, and we look at it, we give it, we give it half a second, we make a quick assessment, we sit down, we don't judge a while it has four legs. What makes a good chair? Four legs, right, and we have confidence in that chair. We can amplify the ability to be confident in ourselves because it's much more complex and there's a lot more woven into our story than whether or not we have four legs or not. However, you look at a stool and a stool has three legs and you think the stool is good too, and some sometimes you look at a bike and it has two wheels and it's good.

Speaker 2 5:38

But a unicycle has one wheel. And so why do we think that things that don't match match and we still think they're good. Why do we still have confidence to use them? Well, because we have a story about those things that we've been told that says this is what makes it good A bicycle. The word in of itself says buy, it's got two wheels. Does that have two wheels? Yes, it must be good. Then A unicycle to me sounds like a terrible idea. I don't even want to try it. But a person who rides a unicycle goes hey, it's good, it's supposed to, it works. Why? Because we've been told the story about why a vehicle with one wheel works.

Speaker 2 6:10

A lot of us if not all of us to some degree, I believe have a story about us that we've been told that we are believing.

Speaker 2 6:18

And if that story is not directly aligned to something that we attribute to being good, we have a really hard time looking in the mirror and then believe it in ourselves.

Speaker 2 6:27

And so for me, self-clarity, self-confidence it is not this woo woo. Look in the mirror, I'm good, I like my hair, I like my kids, I like my, and I'm saying I'm nothing wrong with some morning affirmations. Hey, if that's you, get in the gym, get in the mirror and pump yourself up, I'm all about it. I don't believe, though, that is a deep enough mechanism to create a level of conviction about our goodness, as opposed to temporary motivation. I'm all about motivation, but motivation doesn't last. When you got to do hard things, the only thing that lasts is what it is. You really believe. What it is we really believe, though, I think, comes from a deep understanding of who we are before we begin to perform, so that our performance is the result of the goodness that's intrinsically inside of us, as opposed to let me go perform and hope that someday, someone will finally believe that I am in fact good enough.

Speaker 1 7:12

I love all of that. I um, in that moment, when you were there and you're looking around the room and you're kind of questioning yourself like man, an Olympian over there NFL player, like well, it cause cause, you kind of alluded to that fact, you had a moment where you're like you weren't confident. How did you, how did you talk yourself up and remind yourself that you know what I am good, I deserve to be?

Speaker 2 7:36

here. I have a message. Yeah, yeah, that's a great, great question. So I have a little tactic and I don't. It's been, it's been years. I don't even know where this came from. But I have a little tactic. Is is I? And? And stay with me. Let me get to the full analogy.

Speaker 2 7:50

I, when I have a moment of like bro, this is not good for anyone I try to pause and I just I just put my hand in my front pocket, and typically it happens right before I go on stage. So I'm at the little steps. They're about to introduce you, the music's playing, they're going to do the, the bio which, by the way, no one listens to and so I got my, I put my hand in my pocket and I keep a little piece of paper. Before I go on stage, I keep a piece of paper. It's just blank, it has nothing written on it, but but I put my hand in my pocket and I touch that piece of paper and for me, what I say to myself is I put my hand in my pocket and go Rocky, that's the invitation. Like, you've already been invited to the party. They're just asking you to show up, and they're just asking you to show up and be you at the party. They're not asking you to prove why you deserve to be at the party. They're not telling you to be at the party and then be the best entertainment there ever was, and they're just saying we have already made a choice for you to be here. Remind yourself that you are already invited and just show up, because if you go out there and you try to prove that you're the best keynote speaker ever, it's not going to go well. People are going to see through your BS immediately and be like no, thank you. I don't believe a word this guy saying. But if I can go out there and attempt to just be me again, full circle.

Speaker 2 9:02

Back to why is it valuable to know who we are? Cause I got to get out there and know who I am. But my, my, my physical trigger, my physical mechanism is hey, hold up Paper pocket invitation. You've already been invited. That you. The party is literally for you to go to. But you got to be willing to show up, you got to go through the front door, and so in that moment I literally did. I was sitting there and I kind of leaned over a little bit and kind of you know, with my hand on my pocket, I was checking for my phone, or something. I thought to myself hey, you didn't get invited here because you have a gold medal. That would be ridiculous, because you don't. Hey, you know what, though, rocky? I bet they didn't get invited here because they have a gold medal. I bet they got invited here because of who they are, which is the same reason you got invited. So why don't you just show up as who you are?

Speaker 1 9:48

I love having triggers like that, because when you find yourself in those moments cause that's when you, especially when you get ready to go speak, that's one of the most it's almost like bungee jumping or jumping out of a plane. For me I can do it, but there's always that moment of interpretation and fear that what if I come up here and say something stupid? But having that trigger just as a reminder, as a drill, to kind of talk yourself off, cause that's your, that's your. You know your mind can be a terrorist sometimes. They can, it can do crazy things and tell you crazy stories. But I appreciate you sharing that actual tactical thing that you do. I'm going to, I'm going to put that one in my toolkit there.

Speaker 2 10:25

Yeah, yeah, you know, when I think I think what you just said there J is really, really important and I want to say it again cause I think this for for listeners, I want to make sure it's something that we can remind ourselves of. Our mind tells us crazy things like and I think a part of that is is because and this is maybe a little woo woo for some of us I don't think that when we talk to ourself we can hear ourself and I know that's a little, it's a little meta, but I don't think that when we are talking to ourself we can actually hear it. We, we are saying it, but everything we say makes sense, or everything we say doesn't make sense. Rarely do we have any kind of self-logic. Right, that's, that's a pick, pick, a category that exists on a social platform. That's why every method, at the root of it, is the same.

Speaker 2 11:17

Everyone just has their own two cents. Right? You should do whole 30. You should do 75 hard. You should do coal plunging. You should do a sauna. You should run running's terrible. You should only lift. Lift, you know, hurt you. I mean like it doesn't matter what it is, everybody has your.

Speaker 2 11:28

But at the root of it. What everyone is, I think, at the root of what all those things are is do you have a mechanism to simplify your life in a way that allows there to be a daily occurrence, that creates this trigger to remind you of what's true, to remind you of what's possible, those, over and over and over again? And so when we we can't hear ourselves when we're talking to ourselves which, to me, is why people like you and I I think, hundreds of others, I think thankfully have the ability to have the roles that we have in people's life is because I believe a huge part of my job is I need you to just say that shit out loud so that you can hear what it is you're saying to yourself. Because you can't hear it? Because as soon as you hear the amount of people that I interact with personally or professionally, and I think they're saying I know what they're thinking and they say it I can physically watch their face change in front of me when they hear out loud the things they've been saying to themselves.

Speaker 2 12:21

It's the same reason we get mad and we don't go to the mirror. Nobody goes to the mirror and looks at themselves in the eye when they're angry at themselves, just to really get it out. No, what do we do? We hide from ourselves. We go to a corner, we go where it's dark, we go by ourselves. We go to the couch, we go to our favorite chair, we go to someplace we say is cozy, but we're just running from the ability to be clear with ourselves about who we are and what is true.

Identity Mapping

Speaker 2 12:39

Because we wouldn't talk to ourselves that way, because I know we don't talk to our best friend that way, we don't say that kind of shit to our wives, we don't say that to our friends, we don't say that to our kids, we don't. But we'll absolutely, specifically as men, we will absolutely say it to us. So how about this? Why don't you just say it out loud to me? I don't want to, you're right, because if you heard it you would stop. If you heard it, maybe you would be faced with the reality that you might discover what is true. And then then Rocky doesn't have to sit at the table, concerned that he doesn't have a gold medal. Rocky gets to sit at the table and say there's something unique and specific about me that I am bringing that is extraordinary and unique and equally valuable to the other three people who are sitting at this table with me.

Speaker 1 13:27

I love that idea because we say or we think the most atrocious things about ourselves, that we wouldn't even think about our worst enemy, and to go through and say that out loud and to your point we hide from ourselves, we hide from these things. So, excellent point. Well, rocky, what is your core philosophy behind your approach when you help individuals gain clarity? Right, that's what you typically do. What's your philosophy on that?

Speaker 2 13:58

Yeah, so I, over the last decade or so, I've created a process called identity mapping, and it's a process I take individuals through one on one, I take groups through, teams through, couples through and really, the idea of identity mapping. It's four key components. The first one is to really understand how your brain works. You, specifically, your brain, works for you. That kind of unravels and unfolds the foundation for us to go. Now let's build a language for who we are on top of that, and so I think I think most of us, if not all of us to some degree, I do believe most people know who they are. I think.

Speaker 2 14:31

What happens, though, is I think that we're illiterate. I mean, I don't think we have the right words to express outwardly the thing we feel intrinsically, and so we have this constant gap between what we believe to be true and our ability to communicate what is true, and the gap in there is where most of us live. We hang out in this perpetual no man's land of. I feel something, but I don't know how to tell you what that thing is. Therefore, I'm just going to try to perform through the gap so that, even if who I am is not true, at least I didn't suck. It doesn't matter what it is, but at least I could perform my way out. So in going through identity mapping, we go okay, why don't we pause before we get into determining this thing which is Rocky's, not a guru? I'm not your wizard. You're going to find out a lot more about you than you're going to learn about me if we work together. And why? Because I need for you to extract out of there what's already there. But for most of us, the thing that gets in our way is us, it's how we think and it's our brain. And so, to give a little insight to that, identity mapping starts with four key questions. Now, to the average person, you're like that's some dumb questions, my guy. How is that going to work? Well, it's a categorical way to look at how our brain works.

Speaker 2 15:39

So we look at four things to kick it off. Number one what do you think about most? Just as a human being, what are you thinking about the majority of time? Where do you spend the majority of your brain power? Everybody goes like what do you mean? And I go, yes, what do you think about most? So that's question number one.

The Impact of Fear on Mindset

Speaker 2 15:54

Question number two is what three things in life do you fear losing most? Okay, what three things in life do you fear losing most? And I'm not talking about like your dog or anything or whatever. In biggest picture, 100,000 foot view. Number three if you could do two things the rest of your life and be totally satisfied, what would those two things be? No rules, no restrictions. You have all the money in the world, but you could only do two things the rest of your life. What are those two things?

Speaker 2 16:15

And the question four is what is one thing in life you hope to accomplish? I'm not looking for the end all be all, unless you know what that is. I just want to. What is one significant thing in life you're hoping to accomplish? Now I'm going to make up answers which will kind of break my point a little bit, but I promise, if you're listening, you pause right now and go answer these questions. What I'm about to tell you will make sense. So if you're listening, now pause, go into these four questions and come back. All right, you're back, you just answer your questions. Great job when we go through these.

Speaker 2 16:40

The reason we ask them in this order is because I found this is how our brain works as a normal human. We think in this order Now, categorically, what I just asked us J is one your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. Now, I didn't say tell me your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams because if I did we would all give some ridiculous answer we didn't actually mean. I just want to get to the root of the question. So I just ask you the question Once I know your answer to those questions. You just told me your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams, but I find that the average human being thinks, in this order Number one, what do you think about most?

Speaker 2 17:12

I could almost guarantee you, if you did this exercise, what you think about most is directly related to what you fear losing most. Because most of us live on defense, we live reactively, we live in a position to go. I got to do whatever I could do to keep the bad things out and if that actually happens, then maybe, just maybe, I can find one or two good things to let in, but I can't let anything good in until I keep all the bad out. We're on our heels all the time. Why? Because what we think about most is related to what we fear. Whatever we wrote down in number two, what we fear is preventing us from doing what we wrote down in number three. That's why we call them hopes, because I just hope I can someday. But you're not actually doing it because you're afraid you're going to lose everything. Number four if you don't do number three, you may never accomplish number four. We go through this exercise because I want us to show wait a second this your brain is very smart, but your brain is doing what you're telling it, because your brain is doing what you're thinking about most every day. That's what you're going to do. If you know what you think, you know what you do. If you know what you do, you know what you can change, but not until you know what you think, because it's almost 100% related.

Speaker 2 18:13

Even if somebody wrote down Jay, what do you think about most? Oh, my to-do list. Great Favorite phrase in the world. Well, tell me about that. Well, I think about my to-do list Like, if I don't get things done, like I don't, you know, I don't feel good about myself. Awesome, tell me about that. Well, if I don't feel good about myself, I don't think my things done, is because I don't want to. I don't want to let anybody down. Interesting, tell me about that. Well, I feel like in my past, when I've let people down, they usually leave One more time. Tell me about that. Well, when people leave, I end up by myself, and I don't want to be by myself. Great.

Speaker 2 18:44

So let's pause right here, because we're going to interject a new tactic. It's called the upside down. I'm going to say everything you just said to me, but I'm going to say it to you backwards so you can actually hear it this time. So you said to-do list getting it done, not letting people down, not being alone. That makes sense. That's fair. Here's what you actually said.

Speaker 2 19:03

What do you think about most? Not being alone. So I don't want to disappoint people, because that might happen, and the only way I know not to disappoint them is to get everything done, and so all I'm thinking about is my to-do list. Now, we said the exact same shit. I mean verbatim the same words, but we heard it in a way this time that was not me on my heels, it was me on my toes, it was me on offense. But one, two, three and four work the exact same way. Flip those in the upside down. If, what, if?

Speaker 2 19:36

What you wrote a number four was the single thing you thought about most 80% of your day.

Speaker 2 19:42

If the one thing you thought about most every day was one thing in life you really hoped to accomplish, I bet you would do more of what you really wanted to be doing.

Speaker 2 19:50

And if you did more of what you really want to be doing, I bet that you would be less fearful of losing things. Hey, by the way, whatever you wrote down number two you can't actually control and then it would dramatically change what we think about a number one. What we think about, that's our mind, that's our mindset. That's what changing our mindset is. Without going into too much more details, jess and we're here for Jay about identity mapping we didn't build a language on top of that about values and about strengths and about identifiers. But that first piece, these four questions when it comes to self clarity, maybe the four, at least for Rocky, the four most important questions for us to uncover and discover about mindset. If you want to change your mindset, that literally means you have to change what you think about, but you can't change it until you know what it is that you're thinking about.

Speaker 1 20:34

Yeah, I think what people need to be aware of is that your mindset is calibrated. It's like the operating system for the hard drive that you're operating and the good news is we have the opportunity to rewire it. But you've got some really ingrained external factors that have happened to you in your life that has created this hard drive and your way of thinking and it can be incredibly overpowering or incredibly difficult, and a lot of people start even aware that their hard drive, their mindset, is steering them down a negative path or a fulfilling path. When I like the idea of fear because fear, I teach the topic of fear quite a bit, and you honed in on one. The losing people fear process pain. They fear that the grass may not be greener. On the other side, they feel physical harm, but losing something that they already have is very common. What do you think from your experience in working with people that people fear the most in regards to losing something?

Speaker 2 21:43

I think relationship is the number one thing that pops up. I would say the number one answer, and it's a variety of ways. People say friends, people say family, people say co-workers, people say you know my loved ones, people say my community, people say my sense of belonging, people say my sense of purpose. I think all of that is relationally driven.

Core Values and Strengths

Speaker 2 21:59

The number one thing I believe individuals are fearful of, at least in the clients that I work with, is relationship losing. Relationship losing and I think we could expound on that. We could say relationship is the topic. We got a little, two little Vs that come down. We could say connection and belonging. We could go off of that and we could say you know experience and intimacy and I don't say sexual intimacy, I mean deep connection with people, being loved, being recognized, being seen, being known To me. All of that is the number one fear that we have is that we're just going to be forgotten, we're going to disappear, we're going to be missed, we're going to lose the ability to have some kind of human connection with somebody else.

Speaker 1 22:40

That makes a lot of sense because we as humans, we're tribal. We need to have deep, meaningful connections. Hence why we don't want to go up on stage and speak, because you might lose credibility, they may not like you, they might boot, you not want anything to do with you, right? So it's yeah, I would agree with that and I appreciate you sharing that, because I was just curious about what people fear the most when it comes to losing something. How do you so? You mentioned you know strengths and core values you know. Beyond these questions, how does a deeper understanding of your strengths and core values you know impact your ability to have confidence in yourself and have clarity with yourself?

Speaker 2 23:15

Yeah, yeah, great question. So for me, core values serve as the why. It's the why we do what we do. An easier description, because I think sometimes that gets blown out of the, that gets blown out of proportion. Nothing against Simon Sinek, I think he's awesome, but I think he it got taken so far. We hear the why and immediately most of us are like man. So I say core value serve as the reason, intention and motivation behind what we're choosing. So without a language for our reason, intention and motivation, we just make it up why do you want to do that? And then, on the cuff or like a, becomes uh, impulsive. I don't, I wanted to, but what does that mean? You wanted to like what is your reason, intention, motivation?

Speaker 2 23:51

Defining your core values is not giving yourself a set of words that you've never had. It's bringing clarity to a language for something you're already doing that you just haven't had the words for. Therefore, it's really hard to follow. It's like having a. It's like having a map that has a, that has a bunch of trails on it and half of them are correct and half of them are wrong, and the only way to know if they're right or wrong is just to go, try it and realize it was wrong. Well, what? What if we could on that map? From what you know, the I can imagine? Imagine you see a map and it has that little bubble thing that says you, there were red things. That says you are here right. So if we go with that analogy, defining your core values is like immediately taking 50% of the trails on the map that are no good and that are not there, and immediately they've just erased like a vapor. That's what core values do. It serves I say it serves as our foundation and our filter. Why do you want to do this? Why didn't you do that? Why can you do that? Why should you Not? So it's I don't have to dig deep and go oh, I hope I don't mess it up. What if you have a language for that? What if I knew? In my family I have five values. My wife does, my kids do, our family has family values together and that's how we make decisions. It doesn't matter if it makes sense. And Excel Actually, it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense and Excel sometimes, Is this who we are? Because if it's who we are, we're going to find a way to make it work.

Speaker 2 25:03

For me, values give a sense of purpose in that it allows us to align ourselves, to go. Why am I going to choose to do what it is that I'm doing? Again, we're not making it up out of thin air. Every human being has values. If we don't have a language for them, though, we don't know how to apply that, we don't know when we're using them, so we're just guessing. Having values takes the guesswork out of why we choose to do something. So, on the value side, for me, that's why that's I think, how do you use those and what's the value there? To me, that's to that end. It's gives us a foundation to go.

Speaker 2 25:32

This is the things I'm going to stand on now, moving forward, and if it doesn't align with this, it doesn't mean you are wrong. If you want to go that way, it means I don't go that way. I don't want to go that way. This is how I want to make decisions, and I think there's a little bit of what's the right word. There's like a little bit of like unapologeticness that has to come with that right, and it's not about me saying that I'm better than you. It's about me saying that I'm me. And let me be very clear. It's a fine line, Like it's a fine line to determine how I can stand unapologetically, and who I am, without attempting to communicate to you my way is the only way. That's not what I'm saying. I'm telling you my way is my way and I want to have a clear idea of what my way is. Can my way adapt and change? Yeah, Welcome to being a human and trying to have connection with other humans. Some shit's going to have to change. However, where am I starting from? To me, that's what core values do you go to the strength side.

Speaker 2 26:39

I think strengths might be that one of the number one most misconceptions when it comes to understanding ourselves, because I define strengths as how we operate, not what we do, and I think a lot of times, specifically, you go through strengths or strengths training or in your job, you go to go through a strengths exercise, you do your strengths. You're like, oh, those are my strengths, so that's what I should be doing. False, at least from my perspective. False Strengths are how I want you to think about strengths as the muscle. So if I say, hey, Jay, what's one of your strengths? And you say my arms, I say great, you have strong arms. You say yes. I say what do you do? You don't say arm zing. That doesn't make any sense and I think when we talk about our strengths as the what, as opposed to the ability, that's how we sound, Right? So what I've? What have I seen that people have strong arms? I've seen people with strong arms do all kinds of crazy things Push, pull, punch, hug, hold, heel, walk. I've seen people with no legs walk with strong arms. So the ability what could you do? I think the possibilities are almost are through the roof. If I can identify what my strengths are meaning. What are the muscles that I have? How do I human? That's the phrase I use with strengths.

Identity Mapping

Speaker 2 27:47

Strengths are how we human everywhere. Everywhere, Not just personally. Like I am this intense everywhere. I don't know how to not be my kids, my wife dinner. You come to my house, bro. I'm telling you better be ready to go to the deep end, Cause I am not talking about Netflix for two hours while we're eating short ribs. You know what I'm saying. I'm trying to get to the root of why we're here and not everybody likes that, and I know that, but that's who I am. That's how I human. I don't know how to not do that, but it's taken me 40 years to discover that's who I am and have enough freedom and belief that it's good To not apologize for it and to know that, hey, if you don't like it, it is okay. My boy, we're probably just not going to have a lot of meals together Because you're going to be like, hey, I don't like this and I'm going to be like that's amazing, you should go hang out with that other guy then. So, strengths, I think, give us, begin to give us that freedom to go.

Speaker 2 28:38

Wait, how do I human, how do I human? Everywhere I'll use, I'll use a language called the dentifiers. They're just words we made up, but they end in ER and OR. Challenger, strategizer, analyzer, truth teller, encourager, warrior, though all those lead, all those words, and it just gives us something tangible and actionable. But as it describes us as a human, I'm not asking about your job. I don't want to know what your job is, I want to know who are you.

Speaker 2 29:07

So for me, for example, someone. I meet people all the time and it's not a gimmick. I mean, it's a gimmick because I made up the words, but it's not a gimmick, and I'm trying to be cheesy, I'm trying to try to be clear. Hey, Rocky, nice to meet you, I'll say so. What do you do? Oh, thank you so much for asking. I'm a challenger, truth teller, entrusted guide. What? Oh, amazing, Thanks for asking. So, yeah, so in my life.

Speaker 2 29:27

And we didn't go into it. So then, I don't think everybody in the world would do that. I mean I'm a little weird, so I wish everybody would. But what is that? That's how I think about those words. What do I do everywhere? What do I do? And if we can build this out, we went back to our map analogy earlier. Well, now we read it opposite the order we created it because, you know, at this point I do everything backwards, Jay. So we then say, well, what do I do? That's my identifier, and how do I do that? That's my strength and why do I do that? That's my values. And all of a sudden, I've created this inner way it's kind of like a wordplay to take this language and put it together to go.

Speaker 2 30:00

Well, who am I? I'm a challenger, truth teller, entrusted guide that utilizes my strength to build connections with others, to take command when necessary, to see futuristically about what's coming, to get the work done on a daily basis in every aspect of my life, because I value vulnerability and boldness and generosity and trust, and for me, that's what's the driving force wherever I go, no matter what. That's who I am as a person. So identity mapping gives us the freedom to have that language, so that I can stop second guessing myself, I can get on my toes and get on offense, I can stop apologizing for being the person I was made and designed to be, while knowing that I am unique and trusting that you are just as badass as I am. I just got to help you get the words out so you can see it.

Speaker 1 30:41

I love all of these things because I teach vision and help people find clarity.

Speaker 1 30:45

And I love the analogy of a map because I use map and compass quite a bit and I also talk about living life on offense versus defense and everything that you're saying like complete alignment, and I think I just want the listener to realize that, living an autopilot and living on defense, you're just wandering around the wilderness, reacting to everything and you're trying different trails until you bump into things by knowing who you are, being comfortable with yourself, knowing your values, knowing your strengths. You live on offense, you actually read the map and you're deliberate about getting from point A to point B and it makes life a hell of a lot easier. And you said something a little bit ago like I think it takes a lot of people. I don't feel like I really figured. I'm still trying to figure myself out as I transition from my military role into what I'm doing now, but I feel like it took me 40 years to really understand and I'm still trying to figure out who the hell I am.

Speaker 1 31:43

Why do you think it takes us so long?

Speaker 2 31:46

Well, I think it takes us so long because I believe and this is not me trying to, you know, to either of our horns, to to.

Speaker 2 31:52

I'm saying I believe this to be true. I think it's taken until now to have a generation, specifically a generation of men who believe, and I hope that we're aligned on this. If I say something and you think I'm full of crap, jay, I need you to tell me. Okay, I won't be offended. The listeners need to know that you think I'm full of crap, but I think it's taken until now to have a generation of folks like you and I, specifically men who understand that we would rather be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. But that doesn't mean we have to make everything a battle, which means if I'm going to be a warrior in a garden, I've got to know how to hold and rate and grow a flower, which that's a delicate process, right. So like that, that means I got to have tools and skills that 20 years ago you didn't have to have, 50 years ago, for sure didn't have to have in 100 years ago. Fully unnecessary, because it was you with you in a field, by yourself, trying not to get diphtheria. So like we're in a different the time is, we're literally in a different time today than we were 20, 40, 60, 100 years ago. However, intrinsically in who we are, I believe we still have this deep desire and this burn and this fire to be ready at the drop of a hat. But in order to do that, we've got to refine and I hate this word, but I don't know what else to call it we have to refine up. You know what I was going to say soft skills, but we're going to talk gardening skills. We've got to refine the gardener skills in us to be able to know what to do and who we are. And so why did it take us 40 years? Because I think we've been setting the pace for 40 years to go.

Speaker 2 33:18

I love my wife, I love my kids. I'm going to figure out who I am. I'm going to be in touch with myself internally, but it's not going to be woo woo and it's not going to make me weak and it doesn't vulnerability, doesn't make someone's going to attack me when I'm not seeing it. It means I'm going to be fully aware, because I want to be able to have my head down dropping tiny seeds in the dirt planning things for the legacy of my life, but if shit goes down, I am prepared at a moment's notice. I'm still ready to go to war. That's not the issue. However, if I'm going to have it under control, I better have a clear understanding of who I am.

Speaker 2 33:47

So I think it's taking us a long time, because I think it's taken us this long, to give ourselves the freedom to go. Can this be possible? I think today, now more than ever, I have never been in the military myself, so shout out to all of our veterans who are listening Thank you so much for your service. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes at all, and I believe, now more than ever, our ability to have that, to go back and forth and to watch not the but, but the and the and of the gardener and the warrior together is now is more important today than it's ever been. And so I think our ability to know who we are and why did it take us 40 years? Because I think it took us 40 years to get to a place where we are in 2023, about to be in 2024, where it was valuable and it was necessary, and both, I believe, are necessary, but I don't think it's we.

Speaker 2 34:35

I believe you and I and those who are joining us in this journey, we are the front runners for what? I don't know if you should have asked you before. I don't know if you have any children or son or not. I have a eight year old son. I believe we are the front runners for shaping and changing and showing what our children, specifically our sons, what the next 80 years of their life is going to be like. And it is our duty now to lay the groundwork in the path on the map for them to go, which is why you and I are just now figuring it out. One, what an incredible opportunity we've been given to do that. And two, because we realize the old mapping on work and we got to figure out something different.

Speaker 1 35:14

Yeah, the man I love. I love that, the saying I rather be the warrior in the garden rather than the gardener in the war, and I've mentioned that one quite a few times. It's all about being prepared, it's about being disciplined. You know, the warrior trains, it's, it's, it's, it is training not only the, the body for battle, but the mind to you know, have temperance, to know when to use force and you know, even even our military, like we can use an incredible amount of force, but having the temperance and the discipline to not overdo it, to have have discipline in how you use that force. And so so much of what you said resonated. And it's all about being prepared, about having the tools when needed. You can. You can, you know, demonstrate that force and use it if need be, but also be kind and loving and nurture the garden right, versus just being a gardener where, when something does happen, you're just woefully unprepared.

Speaker 1 36:16

And and I love that, and I think, I think your point is, as you were describing that and I just kind of reflected my life I think, I think it takes a long time to become the warrior. I mean physically, mentally. You know samurai is, you know it takes years and years, decades of training to do that. Hence why, you know, we train our body and our mind and that's why you know we're heroes. Call or having this conversation is, you know, working on our mindset, which is often overlooked. So I suspect the oh, go ahead. You were gonna say something.

Speaker 2 36:49

Well, I I was gonna make an analogy, but I realize I'm going to make an analogy out of somebody that has zero experience. So you, because you've been there and I haven't, if this, if what I say doesn't make any sense, you just tell me. I'm full.

Speaker 1 36:59

Go for it, I'll call you out, yeah.

Speaker 2 37:01

Thank you so much so. But it's like can you be a warrior if you don't go to war?

Speaker 1 37:08

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2 37:10

You know what I'm saying. And then it's like, well then, how do you become a warrior? And then what? Because I think those are the things where I have, I have, I have. I was thinking through conversation, dialogue I've had with folks, and then the mindset is and then again, specifically in men, where they get well, I said well, but I haven't. But what does that mean? And I love the your way, the way you describe training, and like you got to prepare this, so like you just got to, you got to be ready. So I know I'm curious. I'm curious for your take on that Cause I think it's a dialogue I found myself in before and you know, as it relates, as it relates to someone who has been in the military, whether you've been in active combat or not, there's something totally different there that I have no bearing in. So I don't want to make any statements or assumptions because I feel like I don't have enough reference to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 37:52

Well, there's there's this guilt that many members of the military have trained and they wrote. You know, they raised the right hand and they wanted to answer the call and go, but just due to timing it just didn't work out for them.

Speaker 1 38:04

And they carry tremendous guilt with them, but they're absolutely trained. Had they been in the in the position to go, they would have performed very well, but they have this guilt. So, and I think you know, training prepares you for war. I think war gives you an opportunity to test yourself. I guess if that's the way and that's, I think it's where a lot of military members like they feel like they they didn't get the opportunity to, to get tested, but they would have performed well and it doesn't make them any less of a warrior. They did what they, what was required of them, and I know that. I think being a warrior is really committing and completing the training that you don't necessarily have to be tested. That doesn't. That's not.

Speaker 1 38:51

The act of getting tested in some type of conflict is not where you receive the warrior badge, right. You earn that in the training and typically your trainers who assess that. You know you. You get belts and jujitsu. You're not in a street fight to get that. You're you're, you're tested by the trainer and they're watching in a controlled environment. It's the same in the military. You earn different skill badges and things like that. You're in that controlled environment, you earn that and we know that you know, through that training you have demonstrated courage. Now, obviously, when when bullets are flying your way, people are going to have different reactions. But the way that all of the U? S military trains very realistic soldiers tend to perform very well because of that realistic, good training. They're warriors and they they answer the call and they perform well because of our training. So that's, that's my roundabout answer to your question.

Speaker 2 39:49

Listen. I want thank you Because now I realized that for the past, when I made a pitch, okay, I got the backing of her, I got some of the backing of somebody's a lot more real time experience than me, so that feels good, just selfishly. But I think if we take that and it can apply that now to a little bit more broadly, so not just specifically to to our military or or for our veterans, but I think just in general, on on on this, in civilian life we we have the I believe, at least in my least, at least from my experience, and I think, given a given the title of our podcast here, like it is not the equivalent, so this is not made. Apples to apples. I mean we're about to compare. We're about to compare apples to tuna fish here. Okay, we're like talking totally different food groups, but but I think a lot of us, if not all of us, are given the opportunity to test our preparation on a weekly it may be daily basis when it comes to who am I, what do I believe, what am I doing and what impact am I going to make in the world. If we are willing to view that again. Tuna fish, apples here we're not comparing apples to apples, but when it comes to, am I prepared to go to war?

Speaker 2 40:53

Am I prepared to the battle of the day? Am I prepared to say I'm going to wake up and what am I going to? I have a personal phrase I use, called daily is daily, daily is daily. In the matter of the time of day, what am I committed to doing on a daily basis? And that preparedness is what gives way to go. So what am I going to do? Am I prepared? My kids are going to be home here in about 15 minutes. Am I ready? Am I prepared for the day Cause they're going to come in at a hundred miles an hour. Dad's here, they're here. It's Monday. We got four days of school left for Christmas. They're going to be amp through the roof Like, am I ready? Am I ready to engage in what that is? And so why, I think in our dialogue, why is knowing who we are important? Not fluffy, not woo, woo, not must be nice to sit around and, just, you know, philosophize about who I think I am as a person. I'm talking about the real rubber meets the road, the real shit of like. Who am I, what do I believe and what am I going to do in this world?

Speaker 2 41:43

Every day we have an opportunity, to vary degrees, to say are you prepared? Because when my son does something and I'm already frustrated because I had a rough day at work and I am ill prepared to manage my own emotions and he says something that sets me off even though it was totally uncalled for on my end, am I prepared to be able to go into that scenario and say, rocky, you better calm down, you better take a deep breath and respond to him in the way that a loving, kind father would? Because if you blow your lid on some shit, that didn't matter that you were ill prepared, you were not ready. You were not ready to face that. But you know why? Because I didn't know who I was and I didn't believe that who I was is good. I didn't have clarity about the kind of father that I wanted to be, the husband I was becoming and who I was as an individual. So I blow my lid off, I pop my top on everything, because everything is frustrated and makes me mad, because I have an internal thing that I haven't addressed.

Speaker 2 42:32

I think our ability to be prepared albeit much better metaphor to think about somebody who has participated in any of our armed services to see it way better than Rocky can, but to make it down for the good old civilian me. Every day I'm in a spot to go. Am I prepared? And if we want to be a warrior in a garden, hopefully what I'm cultivating in my garden, my home, is something I really believe and I want to see grow. But I'm going to have to fight some demons off on a regular basis in order to keep the things out, so I can protect the things that are in, in order to build something I really believe in.

Speaker 1 43:03

Yeah, embarrassingly, I still have my moments. I have triplet 15 year old daughters I have. I have lost my shit on them for whatever reason, just being a parent and stressful day they were. You know they were arguing or whatever you know and I'm just like, especially earlier on, and I'm like man. I, my father, was a hothead and I can have that disposition if I'm not careful genetically and wired to be that way I'm like, but that's not how I want to be.

Speaker 1 43:35

I'm having clarity and the type of father that I want to be.

Speaker 1 43:42

But it's enabled me to deescalate and not do that as often, because I've had clarity and I knew the values that I've wanted to impart on my children.

Speaker 1 43:54

And even when I did because my dad used to blow up on me but he never once apologized right I've had a couple of times where I probably overused some force and I went back and I felt I didn't feel good about it because I was in violation of my own values and we had a conversation about it and I would apologize because I didn't want to. So I think having that level of awareness is incredibly important in all things. And time this back to like, I think this is why running and endurance sports are so incredibly good for us, because it gives us the opportunity to train ourselves physically and mentally on a daily basis, and I think those things make us better in our day to day life. And it doesn't just, it's not just endurance sports, but it's a martial art, it's whatever, whatever it is that you do your training not only physically, but the mindset. That's why. That's why the mindset work is so incredibly important.

Asking for Forgiveness and Making Amends

Speaker 2 44:52

Yep, I, I, I'm 100% agree with you and I think, over and over and over, you know, I even love the fact that you came back and said you know it didn't align with what I valued, and that there's I'm a big fan. I've never actively participated in in in AA or CA or any of those things, but I've been active participant in recovery in a variety of ways, with leading groups and so on, and I think I love, I love in recovery, I love the idea when it comes to making amends. To make amends actually means to fix, and so I think I love even talking about your. You know you as a dad going hey, I got to go, I did something I didn't mean to do, so I got to go fix it. And I think you know one thing for us, for those, those that are listening, if it's valuable to you, one thing for us we try really hard and I'm not, I'm not perfect at it, be very clear with you but every time I apologize, I I try to remind myself that if I'm actually going to make amends, so apologizing for me isn't making amends, and making amends means I need to ask for forgiveness, and so do you forgive me and, I think, for watching my kids again. They're five and they're eight, so sometimes they say no and they mean it, and sometimes they say no just because they're just trying to be funny.

Speaker 2 45:56

But it as a, as a dad, it puts me in a totally different posture. To go hey, I dad's really sorry for what I did and I shouldn't have grabbed your arm like that. I love you very much and I do not want to respond that way to you. I'm really sorry and will you forgive me and I help them understand, like you have the power, they have that Dad doesn't have the power just because I'm older, I don't have the power. They have the power. I, regardless of my intention, the impact was physically harming you, which is I. That makes me I. I makes me so mad at myself. But I need them to understand. I am sorry but I'm only apologizing for my intention, but I need to ask for forgiveness due to the impact. Regardless. If I meant to hurt you, it hurts you. So will you forgive me? And I think that comes to me. It just comes straight from the, from recovery in that world of going.

Speaker 2 46:43

I got to be able to make amends. Amends means to fix. I got to be able to fix it. Fixing means you have the authority and power Will you forgive me and release me of this thing? And if and sometimes my son is eight and sometimes he says no, and I say okay, I'll cut, is okay to kind of come back and talk to you about it in a little while? And he says yes, and then I got to come back in a couple hours and go, hey, just want to follow up, I just want to check again, like will you forgive me, and we always come back around to it, but that that tension between those two timeframes dude, like for him and probably mostly for me, but for both of us it's like I got to go sit in that shit Now. Now I got to go figure out a way to sit with myself for two hours, knowing that I did something and my son doesn't forgive me because he doesn't forgive me Because he doesn't have to, because I was wrong.

Speaker 1 47:24

That's probably one of the most powerful things that I've heard in a while. You've really got my light bulb my light bulbs on right now. Like I don't know that I've ever asked my daughters to forgive me and I think that's an incredible component. I've said I've apologized to them, but you're absolutely right and I think that that's something I'm gonna really ponder on. I really appreciate that insight, thank you.

Speaker 2 47:49

Yeah, no, I mean I. I remember why. I was 21 and and I hadn't talked to my dad in a few years, my parents got divorced. Now I was really young and I hadn't talked to my dad in a few years. I never lived with him growing up and I was in my junior year of college and it was called was parents weekend and my dad had never been to college where I'd been before, and I went to junior college for a couple Years and then transferred a name, and so I thought you know what, like, let me just in, let me just end the whole thing.

Speaker 2 48:14

Right now it's Thursday Parents weekends this weekend. I'm gonna call and invite him. He's gonna say no, and when he does, I'm gonna say no, worries, I appreciate it. And then I'm gonna be done because I did my part. I invited him and he said no. So you know what? Let's just finish this thing.

Reconciliation and Forgiveness With Father

Speaker 2 48:29

So I got out my blackberry at the time, my boy, because that's what we all had, and we thought we were cool. It was this big and I had a little stylus in it. So I called him on the blackberry say dad, hey, say parents weekends this weekend. I just want you to not love for you to come. We hadn't seen my school yet. It'd be fun to hang out for the weekend. You know, if you had to work, whatever, I get it, but I just wanted you to know. He said, all right, what time do I'm gonna be there? I remember thinking, oh no, oh no, he's supposed to say no. And he said what time is it be here? What am I gonna do? And so he came and he showed up. It's a Friday after lunch. I just got back from class. I was in my apartment and he rolls up and go out and see him. We're in my apartment talking and we're gonna go to dinner with some friends at night to Texas Road House. And I Remember, sitting in my room, my dad was sitting on the edge of my bed and I was sitting in my desk chair, kind of like I am now and I rolled away from my desk and I rolled up to him and Said, hey, you know, before we, before we get in this weekend, before we do anything else like can we just talk for a minute? And he said, sure, I said okay. I said I Spent a lot of my life being really mad at you and I spent a lot of my life, being really frustrated because I don't understand why you left and I don't understand why you didn't choose me.

Speaker 2 49:43

Like I can get my head around you Not want to be married to my mom, but I don't understand you not choosing me.

Speaker 2 49:47

What did I do?

Speaker 2 49:48

I didn't do it. I didn't do anything and I feel like I've been fighting my whole life to get you to pay attention and like I don't. I don't know what to do and I've been really mad. But I do. But I love you and I'm not asking you to be my dad, I'm just asking to be my friend and I know that I have a plan for my life and I know that I'm gonna go down this path and I don't want to turn around one day and you not be there, because I didn't invite you to come with me.

Speaker 2 50:14

And my dad looked at me and, of course, for both tears in our eyes and he said I Don't ever want you to worry about Walking down the path and me not being there. But he said to me but in order for me to be there, I need to know Will you forgive me? And of course, the moment I got reaction just wanted to scream yes, as long as I couldn't give him a hug and pretend Everything was fine. But I think, looking back, jay, I mean it's been, it's been a long time that was almost 20 years ago and I think maybe that was one of the first times in my life that somebody asked me if I would forgive him, and I think it's maybe one of the greatest lessons and I think it's one of the greatest moments that my father ever gave me and maybe he wasn't around for the first a ton for the first 18 years, but he's given me a lot these last 18 years and I think it started with that.

Speaker 1 51:10

Yeah, forgiveness is Just think about my, my father, and I'm glad you had that opportunity, because a lot of people don't, and I think Having the courage to have that conversation and being vulnerable and exploring that, I think is there's a lot of people that won't. They won't even talk to each other rest of life because they can't get to that point. And because you guys had that conversation, you've been able to rekindle a relationship.

Importance of Vulnerability in Personal Development

Speaker 2 51:46

Yeah, fast forward. Yeah, fast forward. 20 years later, jay, that was an, I was a. That was in 2003, and this year, september, almost 20 years to the to the month, my father and I went on a trip to Montana. This year, I went fly fishing for five days together. It was the first vacation we've ever taken together in our lives, and so I think, just as a testament to anybody out there who's listening to the power of reconciliation, the power of making amends, the power of staying the course, doing the hard thing, preparing yourself every day, it's no, it's no, no law, no, no. Surprise to me that's met the last Decade and a half, exploring who I am, what that means and how to help people have clarity and who they are that it took 15 years of a profession To prepare me, to have five days with my dad, to be able to reset the stage for who we are, where we're going.

Speaker 1 52:43

Yeah, that's that's. I'm glad that you're able to rekindle that and have that and I'm glad that we you're able to share that Message with with others. I'm sure it's gonna resonate with someone here. Yeah how we're doing on time. You got a few minutes left.

Speaker 2 52:58

Yeah, I got a few minutes left.

Speaker 1 53:00

All right.

Speaker 2 53:01

I want to hit this. We've been very vulnerable.

Speaker 1 53:02

This last little bit. I know one of your goals to challenge the stories that we tell ourselves and to live Vulnerably and we're doing that today, right? So can you elaborate the importance of vulnerability when it comes to personal development and just life in general?

Speaker 2 53:18

Yeah, yeah. So I I define vulnerability as creating the opportunity to see and be seen by others. So if we break that into two parts, vulnerability is not putting all your shit on the table for everybody to see. I don't think that now that's an element of it. If that's who you are and you want to roll that way, a more power to you I define vulnerability is you Creating the opportunity to see others. So can I be present enough to be, participate with you that I can actually see you, and creating the opportunity to be seen by others. Am I willing to show you who I really am as a person? To me, that's vulnerability.

Speaker 2 53:50

I didn't say we have to talk. I didn't say we have to ask deep questions. I didn't say you have to go to therapy if that's not your jam. I'm saying just how do we create that environment? And specifically, if you're listening, and I think, specifically for men, men have to hang out in order to let their feelings out, like men getting together for a 30 minute coffee. Unless you are practiced and it's someone you really trust and the whole reason you got together was to go deep from the beginning An average group of men is not gonna do that, right? That's why do we like things like golf? Cause we get together to be four hours and it's not until whole 15 that we actually tell the truth. Maybe six beers had something to do with it, maybe you did it on the list. Why does that happen, right? So I think in that vulnerability is creating the opportunity to see and be seen by others. But that's to me that is a number one foundational component to self clarity and to knowing who you are is because you have to be willing to allow someone to see what is really there. And if I'm going to allow that for you, my hope and intent is that I can, you can, do that with you as well. It's gotta be reciprocal to some degree. So, again, vulnerability is just setting the environment. Am I willing to allow myself to be seen? Am I willing to see you? If so, then let's get into unpacking the stories told to us about us.

Speaker 2 54:57

I've been told my whole life Rocky, you're too intense. Rocky, you're too loud. Rocky, you yell. Rocky, you're too emotional. You can't cry like that and actually be seen as a man. Rocky, you can't talk in corporate. You don't even have a resume. What do you think you are? You talk for a living. What is your real job?

Speaker 2 55:09

All the things I've been told over the course of my life All those are stories told to me about me. Now, most of the time, I have found right. So if you're listening now and you're like interesting, think of a story told to you about you, just go there. It's all stories that sound like you're too this, you're always this, you're never this, you're so this. All those things are how stories come to us.

Speaker 2 55:27

Most of the time, the stories told to us about us are a greater representation of the storyteller than they are the main character of the story. Because you know who's never told me I'm too intense? Someone who was intense. You never used to tell me. I'm too emotional. Someone who was outwardly emotional. You know who's never told me I'm too loud Someone who spoke at the same volume. I did so. Why is that?

Speaker 2 55:55

Because most of the time, although well-intentioned we talked about this earlier although well-intentioned, the stories told to us about us with words and with actions are typically someone else's insecurity and they're trying to protect us from experiencing what they did. So they said A-A-A, you're overthinking it. Oh, you take too many risks, you're too nice, you're too mean, you're too. What is that? How do we have both introspection and they're both wrong? Well, it's because you're trying to tell me who I am, based on an insecurity that you have, which makes me feel like I have an insufficiency. And now my insufficiency becomes an insecurity and fast forward 40 years and we go.

Speaker 2 56:31

How did I get here? We didn't unpack the stories told to us about us. We didn't unpack the stories we tell ourself about ourselves, because if everyone says, rocky, you're too loud and too intense, and then Rocky says, look at their face, it's not working. Guess what? Fear, doubt, obstacle, insecurity, all these things build up over a decade, two decades, three decades, four decades, eight decades. It all builds up and if we're unwilling to tease out these things or we're unwilling to pull the thread, they go.

Power of Coaching, Find Your Guide

Speaker 2 56:58

Wait a second. Where did that even come from? What does it mean? You're too nice. How is that possibly an issue? Well, it's an issue because you think that it's a negative connotation. What if we could rewind and go you are nice and you are good. You are intense, rocky, and you are good. That's why that phrase, for me, is so valuable. The phrase you are good Again, it's not to puff you up and to make you feel good, it's to go wait a second. Intrinsically in who you are. I believe it's good If we can find the words and the language you describe it so that I can actually find a way to live into it.

Speaker 1 57:41

I love all that, everything. Can you share a story or a transformation of someone that's went through your process? They gained clarity and it may have transformed their life, or maybe they changed their career. What is a testimonial, if you will, of helping someone find clarity?

Speaker 2 58:01

Yeah, we've got one-on-one clients as well as group coaching clients right now. We actually had someone. We have a WhatsApp group for all of our group coaching clients and they actually sent a message this morning and they've been with us for six weeks now in our group coaching program so they've gone through the e-learning process of identity mapping. We're working on the confidence parts and in our call last week they said hey, I've been in the same job for three years now, same role, no pay increase. I don't know what to do. I feel nervous. Everybody on my team is better than me. I mean, they were given the same language that we've heard over and over and I said OK, here's what I want you to do. I said I want you to email me like I'm your boss and I want you to tell me what role you want, what pay you want, and then tell me whether or not you're going to start that project or not. I can't do that. I was like bro, literally it's me, I don't work for me. See me, email you what you want, right? They sent an email to me. It was Jay. It was lawless. I don't even know where the person in the email came from, right? So I emailed her back. I said hey, where did this come from? Because a person that's in this email like where are they at? And they were like just wait until our call this week Sounds great, get on the call. Background on their Zoom was different they had a new pair of glasses on. I mean it was like they made this physical transformation. I said what is going on with you? And they said I have a conversation with my boss right after our coaching call today. Let's go Call me when you're done. I had money to work with their boss. Call me back. They said just got promoted, I just got a 20% raise and the project I've been sitting on, that I've been working on for 18 months, that I haven't told anybody. I presented it and we're launching it in eight weeks from now and I was like this is something I can get behind. How did we get here Back up? What's the root of all that?

Speaker 2 59:43

They knew exactly who they were, but they didn't have the words. They had a story in their head about who they were. I'm too sweet, I'm too nice and I can't say what I want because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Those words came out of our mouth over and over and over and over and over again. You eradicate the story that's false about us. You replace it with a story that is true Daily habits. Daily is daily.

Speaker 2 1:00:05

It took us four days in a row Her email and me, me responding, her being on a call, her responding, her being a group, her responding. It took four or five days of doing it over and over and over. The fifth day when she actually with their boss. It worked, but it wasn't the first time she had done it. Why is that? She knew she was. She lacked the words. She knew that she had something intrinsically that was good about her, but she lacked the confidence. You put clarity and confidence together. You put together an actual daily plan. Next thing you know you are moments away from accomplishing the very thing you thought was impossible. If you can have the right guide that's me and the right map to give yourself a language of what that is.

Speaker 1 1:00:41

And that speaks to the power of coaching. You can read plenty of self-help books and air quotes, right? I hate that term.

Speaker 2 1:00:48

That's right.

Speaker 1 1:00:49

Personal development books. You can listen to podcasts, but being in the group of right people, having the right mentor or coach to kind of guide you and help you reframe some things can transform your life. And thank you, I appreciate you sharing that. It's pretty inspiring.

Speaker 2 1:01:03

Yeah Well and I think you use a great phrase there, Jay, and I think it's important for us to make a weekend end with this. If you were interested and this is not myself, jay, anybody else out there if you're interested in changing your life and you find a coach that is going to tell you that they're going to teach you how to be like them, I would be careful. But if you can find a coach and I know this about Jay if you can find a coach like Jay who says I'm going to guide you to become exactly who you want to become and to accomplish what you want to accomplish now you're on to something, and I think that's so vital in coaching and coaching, consulting, whatever you want to call it. We're looking for guides, right, like I'm looking for a guide, I'm looking for somebody who's not thinking guide me to where they were. I don't want to go where you went, but if you believe you can help guide me to where I need to be, because you have the tactical and practical resources to get me there, I'm all in, and I think it's just really important to note if you're out there looking, you're seeing, you're searching.

Speaker 2 1:01:59

I saw this course, I saw this thing. I've been thinking about getting together with Jay, but I don't know what to do. Jay is your guide. You need a guide in your life. You don't need somebody to tell you to be like them. You need somebody who can help you be like you.

Speaker 1 1:02:10

Great point, because the coaching industry has a lot of some interesting people out there that aren't always well. I'll just leave it at that. Just be careful, I'm trying to not mince my words. Just be cautious of who you work with, because you can definitely lose a lot of time and money in that process as well. But, Rocky, thank you so much for being here with us today. How come people get in contact with you?

Speaker 2 1:02:36

Yeah, so you can just find me at rockigarzacom, that's R-O-C-K-Y-G-A-R-Z-A. Instagram is at Rocky Garza. Linkedin is Rocky Garza. Facebook is Rocky Garza, tiktok's Rocky Garza. Youtube don't have enough subscribers yet To be that, but you can just go to YouTube and search Rocky Garza and you can find me there.

Speaker 2 1:02:53

And, most importantly, jay, I send a text message every day, monday through Sunday, seven days a week, free of charge, a way to challenge and encourage you. I've sent over 100,000 text messages to over 1,000 people over the last three years, and so you can love for you to be able to do that. If you want to join that. I'm not asking you to buy anything. I'm not getting your credit card number to send it to you. I just want to send you a text and you can just text the word podcast if that's how you found me to 469-649-8441. We'll drop that in the show notes, I'm sure for you, so you can see that. But again, just shoot me a text. It'll give a quick form here to fill out and I would love the ability to be able to communicate with you. I send those personally to myself and I respond to them personally to myself as well, so I'd love to engage with you there.

Speaker 1 1:03:31

Great, yeah, I can say we'll put all that in the show notes for people to connect with you. Well, I appreciate you. For everyone else out there in the Do Our Things Nation, hey, we're all in this together. Keep doing hard things, embrace the challenge, enjoy the season we're going to kick off 2024. Let's keep doing hard things and we'll see you guys in the next episode. Appreciate you, bye.