An Invitation To Share
An Invitation To Share
Reprocessing Trauma: The power of conversation, education, and accessible coping skills
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In this heartfelt and honest episode, I open up about my personal experiences with starting to reprocess sexual trauma and what that has looked like. Through various therapeutic modalities and conversations, I've discovered the importance of connecting with our community, our past selves, and our bodies as part of the healing process. No two journeys are the same, but I want you to feel safe, wanted, and supported here.
We explore diverse coping skills like singing loudly in the car, long walks in nature, dancing, activating our different senses, and more. Additionally, we discuss the significance of having someone to talk to about your experiences and deepening relationships with people you trust. Join me as we discuss the winding road to healing and finding comfort in the process, knowing that we are not alone.
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Reprocessing Trauma and Healing
Speaker 1Welcome back to an invitation to share . I'm so glad that you're here with me today And I really appreciate everybody sharing the most recent podcast episode , the Ask Me Anything episode . Thank you again for your submissions . I really enjoyed doing that episode And , just based on where I'm at in my life and where I'm at with the podcast , i wanted to talk about a more conversation .
Speaker 1That's meaningful to me and that's also maybe a little bit heavier . I don't know if categorizing something as heavy or difficult is really even relevant , just because I think we're all human and we all have various types of experiences , but some are harder for us to talk about and some are not talked about as much . And I think today we're going to go into a little bit on reprocessing trauma And I'll just share a few of the things that I have been working on , some things that other people have shared with me as well , and just kind of invite that open conversation to be started . Because growing up and even present day trauma is not talked about a lot . If it is , i still feel like there's some hesitancy , which is completely understandable . It's very difficult to feel like you're in a place where you can openly and honestly share and heal from your trauma . That doesn't just happen overnight , but I do think it's important to have more conversations around various types of trauma and to know that you're seen in your trauma and that it's valid and that there are opportunities to heal or reprocess or find peace and or new ways to live . For me to want to start that conversation , it's important for me to be honest with you guys and share where I'm at , because I find if you are wanting to have a conversation with somebody else or you want somebody else to be vulnerable with you , it makes sense for you to also open up to them . However , that doesn't mean if somebody shares something vulnerable with you , you're required to give something in return . I think it's a practice that I have tried to implement . For example , if I want Anthony to go into a very vulnerable conversation with me , but if I'm not ready to go there , it doesn't really feel right , i guess , for me to ask that of him . So I want to put myself in a place where I'm going to be open with you guys about something that I'm struggling with and that I'm working on reprocessing , and , if it feels available to you , you can be honest with yourselves as well , or we can continue this conversation offline or on the next episode . So I wanted to open up a little bit about where I'm at in my therapy journey and address a few things .
Speaker 1I've talked about therapy quite a bit on the podcast and I talk about it quite a bit in my everyday life . I like to advocate for therapy and mental health resources , while also acknowledging I'm very grateful that I have the opportunity to attend therapy And I personally think there are various ways you can process trauma , with or without therapy . Therapy is not accessible to all , or maybe you are not interested in attending therapy and I want to validate all different viewpoints here and personal experiences And I think that there are so many various art forms and paths to self-discovery that can help you reprocess trauma . I also feel like connections and creating healthy communities of support and not only establishing communities but reconnecting to , whether it's local communities , global communities or , more importantly , your personal community and culture and your ancestral roots . I feel like those are practices that are not overlooked but are not offered maybe as much So those are also really valid opportunities that are out there that I encourage you to freely and curiously discover if you're interested in finding different ways to explore your past in a safe and supportive environment , and , of course , there's also support groups for a bunch of different topics specifically related to mental health or not . I just wanted to share there are some options out there and whatever healing practice you might personally stumble upon even if it's like a sport or a club or a different community I feel like that happened for a reason and I hope that you explore that option . So , whatever route is available to you , i wanted to make this disclosure and if you want to accept the invitation to be open with yourself , if it feels safe , i want to support that and I want healing for you , of course , even if that does not include therapy .
Speaker 1But today I'm going to be talking a little bit about my therapy journey and how it is relating to reprocessing some specific traumas . We know there's no one size fits all for healing and there's also no healing timeline , and I want to reassure you that you're safe here and you are wanted here and you are a lovely human . I'm so happy that you always come back to listen to the show . It means a lot to me , and it also means a lot to me that I continue to work on things that I'm struggling with so that I'm able to show up for other people in my life .
Speaker 1For a very long time I thought the only way for me to feel joy or to essentially recover from different traumas that I had was to strictly pour into others . And there is absolutely so much joy and love and kindness and opportunities that come from giving and offering and helping and assisting and being there for everybody , and I recommend doing those things while deeply and radically caring for yourself in whatever way is available to you . I don't know if you've heard the saying you can't pour from an empty cup . It's because you have to fill yourself up to be able to wholly and openly give yourself to others . I think you can definitely help people and give and offer services and words and gifts , even to people , without accessing those parts of yourself . But how beautiful would it be if we felt loved and supported enough to do both . So that's what I want to encourage , and I kind of hit a roadblock in my life where I could tell I was not able to share my time and my energy and my personality and essentially my goals with anybody because they were not even going beyond surface level . I wasn't able to open up with myself about certain things I was struggling with , so I wasn't able to fully be there for friends , my partner , family , coworkers , and still to this day . I'm going to be honest , this is a very current struggle that I have , but I knew I was facing a roadblock and I knew it was important to me to take my healing to a deeper level , and what that looked like for me was starting a form of trauma therapy again .
Speaker 1In the very first episode , i believe , of the podcast , or at least one of the very early episodes , i shared part of my past . I have some sexual trauma and I'm not going to go into too much today about all of those specifics , of course , but we are going to talk a little bit about different types of traumas and if this is something you have experienced or you know somebody else who has experienced this , if you choose to listen today , listen gently and with care , and if the topic of sexual trauma or just trauma in general is something that doesn't feel right for you to listen to right now or you're not able to hold space for that , we totally support that here . You can come back next week or , i guess , for the next episode or listen to old episodes . So I wanted to give you the opportunity .
Speaker 1But something I'm currently struggling with and working through is sexual trauma from my past , from past relationships , but also just from various time periods of my life and saying that out loud , i don't feel anything activating within me , mostly because I just got back from a really beautiful and strong therapy session . If I feel like I want to talk about trauma from my past , i want to check in with myself first to see if I'm in a place where I can start that conversation or go there . It's not always a place that I feel steady enough to go and there's nothing wrong with that , because I know I'm not shutting away or not shutting away , that's not a word . I'm not shutting off or pushing away those parts of myself or those parts of my past . They're just on a temporary hold . I'm holding space for them while seeking care and services so I can hopefully one day talk through them more , either privately with my therapist or just in my personal life . More so that way I feel I don't know . I don't know what I'm looking to feel . I guess by working through those things , maybe I'm just looking to feel more whole and more love for myself I have really struggled with not feeling like myself , not recognizing myself , not feeling in tune with my body after sexual trauma and this is a common experience I have heard from other people as well it's hard to recognize yourself in the mirror or you just start living and acting and feeling differently almost slowly over time sometimes it's immediately , sometimes it's slowly .
Speaker 1You start feeling further and further away from yourself , more and more disconnected , and when that's happening within yourself , it's very possible that that's happening as a reflection with other people in your life . For example , if you're feeling very disconnected from your body and your mind and your emotions and your feelings and every part of your being due to either one event or multiple traumatic events , it's very hard to then connect with other people And it becomes a very isolating experience or at least it was for me because I thought nobody's going to understand , nobody's going to believe me . Also , what am I gonna say ? How am I gonna react if I do share any of this ? It was a very confusing maze that I was trying to navigate in my head And that was a very lonely time . Not to say I'm not still navigating this maze , but I feel like I have like a bird's eye view now a little bit with some of the different tools I have acquired , and I did wanna share some of the specific coping skills that I keep in my back pocket and also some other tools I've heard from other people that I would like to offer up as well .
Speaker 1Specifically , when I'm doing trauma work or just some really deep therapy work , having opportunities for guided deep breathing whether that's from a therapist or another clinician or a yoga instructor , a meditation instructor from YouTube , from different guided meditations guided breath work allows me to come back into my body . When I'm having an episode of PTSD or I'm triggered or I'm activated , the first place I go is my head , like my body , just kind of . It doesn't go numb , but it just feels very empty And breath work brings me back into a rhythm , a pattern connecting with my body and being present and feeling like a safe physical sensation in my body . So breath work is definitely a go to A super , honestly , a super fun one is word searches for me . I've shared word searches are really a great tool if you're not really into reading , because it's a way for your mind to stay slightly active and slightly challenged , and then you also have the satisfaction of being able to cross something off of a list . I don't know if you've ever thought of word searches that way , but I love just getting word searches from the dollar store or five below .
Speaker 1Watching Disney movies or cartoon movies or animated movies while doing low impact movements or exercises for me has been almost like a daily occurrence , either when I get up in the morning or at the end of the day . I have found immense healing and either going back to watch childhood movies I enjoyed , obviously watching new animated films that have come out and tapping into like , okay , there's this playful portion that I'm accessing within myself . And then I'm also physically moving my body and I don't know if I'm releasing things like releasing emotions or stress or tension when I'm doing some low impact movement , but it keeps me focused on the movie as well . So something I struggle with with having ADHD is I typically cannot watch a show or a movie for a very long period of time . I can't either sit still or focus and I want to leave . But if I'm walking on a treadmill or if I'm doing some stretches or low impact body movements or workouts , i don't know what it is , but I'm able to focus and actually enjoy the movie or the show and that's pretty big for me . So I really like that .
Coping Skills for Navigating Trauma
Speaker 1I wanted to share that . Something a lot of other people have shared with me and that I've personally done are long walks in nature , but with a twist of if you're going to walk in nature , it might be different than like , or if you want to do a healing type of walk , it might look a little different than an everyday walk . So there's different types of walks that I do . There's like more of an exercise walk , a social walk , where I'm chatting on the phone or talking with a friend . And then there's other walks where I don't have my headphones . I'm going on a trail or to a park . I'm not in a busy area or a neighborhood or close to a main road And I'm just walking with nature And I'm having almost like a scavenger hunt type game with myself like can I find a new flower on this walk ? Will I see a bird ? Will I walk by a pond ? Will I see any geese or ducks Or what are the clouds going to look like ? You want to be searching for things in nature . Not only does that ground you and keep you present , it encourages you to almost like keep walking , because you're searching , you're looking , you're longing for finding something new , while also moving your body . So those two things go really well together .
Speaker 1I think Using essential oils or a simmer pot Simmer pots are maybe more for , like , fall and winter , but hey , i think you can do it at any time Or enjoying like a cup of tea in the way that it smells , like , bringing in those different senses , can be a really great way to either connect you to a positive place or a positive memory , or no memory at all . You're just focusing on one sense of smell and you're feeling joy , or you're feeling energized , or you're feeling calm or at peace , or you're just existing and you're enjoying essential oils or a cup of tea . And then we have reading and journaling , which are often recommended And I know people say that all the time to write your feelings down . But you don't have to have a journal . You can use the , like a notes app on your phone . You can write something on a sticky note or just a plain piece of paper , and it sounds silly , but sometimes it really does help . It really does help .
Speaker 1I know , i know we don't always want to do any type of reflection , but what if you just do a brain dump . Have all of the thoughts that are in your head , that are weighing on you or that , any like good ideas you have or anything interesting , and just write it down and then close the app or put away the note and just don't worry about it . Just do a brain dump . You know , blasting music and singing in the car , loudly dancing those two things are so enjoyable . Hopefully those are options that are accessible to you too . And yeah , that's kind of my list .
Speaker 1I think that I've come up with for some coping skills that I've tried and that I've heard . Hopefully all of those are options that you're able to try , or maybe something sparked your interest or gave you an idea to try something that I didn't share . So using those coping skills before going into exploring a place of trauma is something that I try to do . It's not always an option , but I definitely like to practice those skills when I can And after , if I'm like after I do this podcast episode . I encourage you guys too , and for myself , to do a little bit of like a check-in with myself and maybe practice one or multiple of the coping skills that I just shared and or maybe just take some time for yourself . If you have any feelings that come up , just remember to show some compassion and love to yourself , obviously any chance you can , but especially if you're navigating something very difficult right now or if you're maybe thinking of working through some difficult things . Now that we have a few coping skills in our toolbox or whatever whatever you want to call it Sometimes I don't like the word toolbox , but whatever , we have some skills that we might be able to tap back into at some point . The next piece is remembering to use the tools So I like to share with other people in my life .
Speaker 1Hey , these are things I'm trying to work on . Would you mind like reminding me or having a conversation with me or doing any of these things with me , just as a way to help keep me accountable ? This is something I've always struggled with , so I try to ask for help and be like open about the fact that sometimes I know I need my coping skills and I forget what they are , and I think that's normal , and I also think it's so cool if people in your life want to be there for you and support you and help hold you accountable and maybe even try some of these things with you , because not only could that be a segue for you to talk to somebody you trust or love about an experience you had that , if you categorize it as very stressful or traumatic or just a very difficult time in your life , if you're talking about coping skills and you're talking about maybe considering finding alternative methods to reprocessing your trauma , this could be a way to deepen your relationship with somebody and also have somebody that you can go to that you trust as well . I know Anthony is not my therapist , but that doesn't mean I can't talk to him about vulnerable things , you know . So I think there's there's some boundaries there , for sure , and it's so helpful to have a community or specific people that are there for you in your life . And if you feel like you are in a place where you don't have anybody that you can go to , please know that our podcast community is here for you and I'm here for you to help connect you or just chat about different resources , and it's really hard to put ourselves out there to meet people , but I really do hope that you know you're welcome in this community and I hope you continue to find other communities and people that give you the love and support that you deserve .
Speaker 1I am someone that loves to have a long time being in solitude and feel like I'm having quality time with myself , and this was a trait that I did not use to like about myself . I've grown to love it more . I think having that alone time has given me an opportunity to not only connect more with myself but ask myself some more difficult questions and face some difficult realities . And you know , one of the reasons I wanted to do this episode is to just gently start a conversation for myself , but also for you guys in our community , because when we I'm not saying we have to talk about our specific traumas , i do not want anybody to feel like they have to share something that's very hard for them to share . But I think talking about the fact that we have things that we're struggling with or we have traumas that are repressed , or we have traumas that are popping up in our everyday life , when we don't talk about that , it almost is like unintentionally telling people or normalizing the fact that , oh , we're fine . People can definitely disagree with me on this . I'm just freely sharing here .
Speaker 1For me , when I was not telling anybody I was struggling , when I was telling people I was fine , it was not benefiting me , it was putting a stronger burden on me , and then the other people in my life were like well , clearly something's going on and she's not wanting to talk about it , which was not a great invitation for me to want to open up to people . Of course , if there's intense judgment or even fear there , but when I was growing up , we did not talk a lot about sexual health or sexuality or really too many things related to , i guess , personal safety , and that is not anybody's fault . I also was not inquiring or really asking questions about those things , but because the school and then community that I was in was never talking about those things , it kept me in the dark , and I think that when we don't have access to education and terminology and information about our own bodies , that's not always good . Sometimes we think not talking about sexual health is good because we don't want to have the awkward conversation or we don't want to say something wrong or we don't want to do anything that we think is weird . But let me tell you , what's not good is not talking about it . So hopefully we can start talking about these things , and when I was in college , i was working in a wellness center and we talked a lot about sexual health And it was a really big learning period for me .
Speaker 1But it was also very empowering to know I can talk about safety and sexual health and sexuality and safe sex and consent in an empowering , educational way . I wish that I had had those tools earlier in my life And that's why I think it's like really not weighing on me , but that's why I think it's really important for me to talk about some of those things . now I'm going to share like a little experience that I had and I want to share a story of how me sharing something actually ended up helping save me and like save my life . And so for me , i had different sexual traumatic experiences and I honestly did not think anything of it . I could feel in my body that I was shut down , but I already struggled with different mental health obstacles and so it didn't really feel like anything unusual to me , but I could feel myself drifting further and further away from myself . But , like I said , i wasn't really thinking anything of it at the time , partially because I don't think I gave myself an opportunity to educate myself on certain things , but also I was you know , i don't know different time period , different time in my life , and I remember I started sharing some things with people who I don't even I guess they were my friends , maybe acquaintances and it was not received well , i guess . And I was like , oh , people are just judging me , they don't understand some things that I've gone through , they don't understand my relationships . And from there I became more and more isolated .
Finding Healing Through Choices
Speaker 1Several years later , when I'm in college , i don't know if I was maybe sharing things as a joke or I don't know really how this came to be , but I was with some old friends at the time And we were just like talking about old relationships and we were , you know , telling some funny stories and I ended up sharing some things that I had gone through . And it got really quiet and people were like whoa , that's when ? when did that happen ? How did that happen ? Are you okay ? And I was like what do you mean ? Like we were telling funny stories , we're telling jokes , like embarrassing stories , whatever . And in that moment I was . I was like , well , you know , i guess I haven't really talked to people who have been receptive to this before , so I just kind of thought it was normal .
Speaker 1And from there I started talking about my experiences more . I started sharing about my experiences more and looking into is what happened to me normal , safe , consensual , okay ? And I started learning a lot of really , really big things . I came to a lot of realizations and I realized I had been sexually abused and I honestly don't know how long it would have taken me to know if I didn't Start sharing things with friends . I always thought , oh , we're not supposed to talk about these things and we shouldn't talk about these things . It's like a taboo topic . And it wasn't until I , i guess I was in an environment where I Felt safe enough to talk with some old friends or other people were sharing with me . That it gave me the opportunity to reflect and then open up and And from there it was just kind of several years of holding that information and not really knowing what to do with it and And then it really started affecting my personal life and my relationships and I Didn't know what to do .
Speaker 1I , i didn't know who to talk to and I was even in therapy at that time and it was too scary to talk about and and I want to show some kindness for past versions of myself that Just didn't really know what to do . We were doing what we could to survive and as I continued to Try to figure out , well , what can I do next ? How can I Essentially come back to myself and be myself again and feel whole and feel happy ? What should I do ? What can I do ? What can I afford to do ? I didn't really have too many options in college , but I was very grateful that I had a job that talked a lot about these things and a good community there . And then eventually I met Anthony and There was so much learning that I got to do and still do with him , with having a partner who cares about my safety and wants the best for me and is respectful of my past .
Speaker 1And a real honesty moment here is I really have not out loud said some of these experiences and things in therapy until very recently , even though I've , you know , been struggling with it for a long time . So if , if you're someone who's struggling with something , whether it's a recent event or a past event , it's okay if you're not ready to talk about it and Maybe writing something down , like I have Physically either written an email or like a letter or a note and given it to a therapist Because I just couldn't verbalize things sometimes . So there are ways where there are choices of how you can share if you choose to share , and , of course , you don't have to and for me , when I have started exploring different ways of moving through and expressing and neutralizing and trying to try to heal from different traumas , i have slowly been coming back to myself in different ways , which has been a personal goal for myself . I want to know what it feels like to be me , not Like an off-brand version of me that's just in survival mode and confused and scared and not wanting to talk to anybody and , yeah , i don't know . A lot of this conversation , i think , is reflective around choices . A lot of times , even if we did not experience Sexual trauma , different types of trauma might have left us feeling like we were in a situation where we didn't have a choice , or we were not able to remove ourselves from a situation because we just couldn't , or we didn't have the tools or the knowledge or the ability , or we were younger . Whatever the reason , i feel like the word that just keeps coming back to me is choice , like I feel like I didn't have the choice and a really big part of What I strongly believe will help bring me back to myself , which can then bring me back to others . And real connection is giving myself choices and making Empowering or making empowered decisions for myself , and even vocalizing I want to make these choices for myself And I will make these choices for myself .
Speaker 1I recently heard Somebody share that no is a full and complete sentence . I love that . I'm hanging on to that And no matter what I'm doing whether I'm going on a walk , going to the grocery store , picking out my outfit for the day What I'm trying to do is give myself choices , not too many choices . I overwhelm myself . But if we're talking about the grocery store , i just I'm gonna say to myself Well , do I want to go to food lion ? Do I want to go to Harris teeter ? Do I want to go to Target ? There you go . I can pick my options . Or I can say I'm gonna choose to go to multiple grocery stores , giving myself a choice there . Or when it comes to my walk , i'm Physically saying to myself and recognizing I'm making a choice . I'm going to choose to walk at this park and I'm gonna pick this song to listen to , and it will be my decision when the walk is done . I'm not gonna force myself to keep walking or force myself to listen to whatever song or podcast if I don't want to , and I'm gonna make that choice . Same with outfits for the day I want to give myself two shirt options and two pant options , and I'm gonna pick whichever one feels most comfortable to me .
Speaker 1There are these very small things that I'm trying to bring back into my everyday life and share with other people , like there are ways we can bring back our autonomy , our confidence and offer up choices to ourselves , because we all know not everything in the world is in our control . I don't want to have to control everything and I don't want to have to live in the fear that if I don't control everything , something bad will happen to me . So what I can do is focus on some of the choices I make and the way that I honor and love and respect myself . I know it could be easier said than done and I'm currently in the middle of these things . I'm not , you know , a before and after finished product or healing journey . I'm in the middle of it . So I'm just honestly sharing what I'm attempting to do or trying to try to do , and that's okay .
Speaker 1Another thing that I want to acknowledge is when I first started doing some trauma therapy and when I first started to start reflecting on parts of my past , i was so sure that what I needed to do was delete those experiences , memories and feelings from my existence . I was so sure all I wanted to do was forget them and never have to revisit them . And that served me for a portion of my life and it could still serve me in my future . I don't know what my future holds , but because I only thought the only option was to just try to forget it , repress it , leave it behind , move on , push forward . I wasn't holding space to neutralize those experiences or show love for my past self when I was going through those experiences . What I mean by that is we're kind of going back to the choices . You know , i just , based on what I had heard or what I thought to be true , was the only way to get through something difficult is to just move on and forget about it . Because , i'll be honest , it is painful , it is hard , it is draining and it is scary to have to go back and feel difficult experiences and traumas . It's not easy to do that , but there are other ways or other options you can do in addition to that , if and when it feels safe to you . That's what I want to emphasize . Both are valuable , both are options .
Speaker 1I spent so many years being so mad at myself for thinking , oh , i wasn't smart enough , i could have done this differently . What if I had gone about my day differently ? Maybe this wouldn't have happened . What if I had dressed differently ? What if I had talked differently ? I just need to . I should have just been different period , and all I know how to do is just be angry at myself and lock that memory away . And locking that memory away helped me keep going for a while . And now I am being curious of well , if I unlock this memory and I don't want to relive it , i don't want to do that , i'm not going to do that . But what if I create some neutrality around it through different therapy practices or different creative expression practices or healing practices , and I just show myself some love during that time because I made it ?
Speaker 1We can't change the past and it hurts to live in the past , and we can't change the future or predict the future . So what I can do is be there for myself now , the way that I was not able to be back then , or the way that others were not able to be there for me back then , and not hold that against myself . You didn't do anything wrong . You were surviving , doing the best you could . And now you have a choice . You have love , you have opportunity , you have healing .
Speaker 1I don't know , maybe none of what I'm saying is making sense . I don't really have a lot of notes for today . I'm just pouring out things from my heart and my brain . But reprocessing trauma has not only been about the trauma . For me it's been about the love . It's been about the rebirth , about the growth , about the learning so much learning and then unlearning and then relearning . It's everything and I feel like love is everything .
Speaker 1So yeah , before I sat down to record today , i went over to my nightstand which , side note , if you have an organized nightstand , props to you . I do not . I have a lot of random stuff on my nightstand , some of which are like special items that I love , some as jewelry , some as medicine , water , whatever bunch of random things . But I have some memories and things that were my grandma's on my nightstand . I just miss her so much And I know she's here with me today when I'm recording this episode because she was somebody that really really held space for me in my life and my healing journey And I want to show respect and honor to that . So I appreciate that . But on my nightstand I have this like stone that's shaped like a heart that I got as a gift , and I just have some other special memories and items that bring me comfort and , i think , good energy and calm energy , and I have them with me today as I've been recording , and I don't normally have anything with me when I'm recording unless Anthony is with me , which he is sometimes . Hopefully he'll be back on the podcast soon , but the podcast is me and my thoughts and the listeners on the other side . But today I feel like there was some additional support that I was providing myself by taking some items and , i guess , memories and bringing them with me today on this journey . So this has been a journey for me .
Speaker 1Thank you for being vulnerable with me today . As I've said before , it takes courage to listen , it takes courage to share , it takes energy to be involved in these conversations and these thoughts And I value and appreciate that you take the time to join me . I really do . I love you guys very , very much . If you have any follow up , questions or comments or ideas or feedback from this episode , feel free to reach out over social media , of course , or to the podcast email . I really hope you have a good rest of your day and week . Show yourself some love , give yourself some time and space , and I'll see you next time .