Exploring Commitment, Communication, and Controversies

Anthony joins us as we share insights on gender roles, self-growth, and even the surprising benefits of separate blankets offer a new perspective on married life. Marriage is a journey that comes with its own share of lessons, growth, and sometimes, uncomfortable truths. As we share lessons learned from our three-year adventures of marriage, we reveal the importance of open discussions, and the necessity to recommit to each other daily. We share the art of communication, and the controversial idea of 'going to bed angry'. 

As we round up the episode, we tackle the burning question: Can an animal, a child or even a marriage resolve existing issues in a relationship? We share our thoughts on individuality, interests, hobbies, and the healing power of laughter and hugs. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation that aims to resonate with not only married couples but anyone seeking to understand the intricacies of healthy and fulfilling partnerships. 

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Transcript

Lessons Learned in Marriage

Speaker 1 0:07

Hi everyone , welcome back to an invitation to share . We have Anthony with us today .

Speaker 2 0:13

Hello .

Speaker 1 0:15

Anything else to say ?

Speaker 2 0:18

We have a live studio audience today . Of all the stuffed animals in our bed , all the squishmallows we own .

Speaker 1 0:27

We are recording from bed this morning and we're doing an episode together because we're talking about the things we have learned in our three years of marriage , and Anthony just saw me scroll my list and his jaw dropped to the floor . I had to give a little bit of context .

Speaker 2 0:46

She writes in paragraphs and I just kind of bullet and then talk yeah .

Speaker 1 0:51

So we thought it would be relevant and also fun and sentimental to us as well . And even if you're not married , even if you're not in a relationship I'm positive a good bit of these things we've learned , or advice or anything in that realm it's still going to relate to you because , at least for me , I talked a lot about being open and still being my own person in a marriage . It's not like you get married and then suddenly you can never do your own thing again . I don't know .

Speaker 1 1:29

That would be crazy it would be very weird not weird , but very , maybe different and uncomfortable for me , because I like to do my own thing . And so , yeah , we're going to just kind of get right into sharing some things we've learned and , like I said , even if you're not in a relationship or even if someone you know is not married , you can still share this episode with them , because this advice is about to be fire .

Speaker 2 1:59

Flago .

Speaker 1 1:59

Flago . So do you want to just kind of go back and forth and we can each share one at a time ?

Speaker 2 2:06

Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 1 2:08

Okay , I want to share my first one first . It came to me immediately because it feels the most true to myself and to our relationship , and it's that no feeling is too big to share and what goes along with that is no feeling is too big to feel . This has applied to me , I think , for pretty much my entire life . If something ever felt too emotional or too vulnerable or too big and overwhelming , I didn't . I thought it was just better to keep it to myself .

Speaker 1 2:48

And as I've been learning over the last several years how freeing it is to just say what's on your mind and then that safe feeling of when your partner is listening or you're listening like to yourself . Saying nothing I'm feeling is like shameful or embarrassing . I'm just going to share it , no matter what . I got to shake your hand because my first one , my first one was .

Speaker 2 3:17

You have to discuss the hard things .

Speaker 1 3:20

Yes .

Speaker 2 3:21

So , even if you're uncomfortable or like nervous or anxious because you don't want to be rejected or you don't want to feel judged , and also you don't want to put that on someone else where they might feel rejected or judge , it's important to have those conversations because oftentimes I feel like anything associated with those feelings typically carry more weight . And it's necessary to talk about it , as opposed to letting it build up and then just kind of explode at some point .

Speaker 1 4:08

Yes , which I feel like that relates to what I was describing to you last night . If I am holding in like either a big emotion or we're putting off a hard conversation , it feels like the more I push it down inside of me , like it goes into my being and like into the cells of my body and then they like multiply and then explode at one point and then I'm not even getting to share or talk about what we really wanted to talk about , because I exiled that part for so long and it's just going to erupt at some random point where something small might set me off . So , like the value of having hard conversations and sharing the really big things like maybe not as soon as they happen , but in an appropriate time frame I think can help prevent or be like a preventative measure from unintentional emotional outbursts down the line . My next thing was keep recommitting . I wrote it's not like as soon as you get married , you're automatically together forever , no matter what , because there's active dating , learning , messing up and reconnecting happening constantly and I definitely did not understand this .

Speaker 1 5:31

When I was younger I had this idea of marriage and it was the fact that I wanted , like a wedding , not to be married . And I say this to people to like learn I'm like , do you want a wedding or do you want to be married ? And every single day , as a choice , like wake up and recommit and show as much love as you possibly can and then , when you're in the effing trenches , also show as much love as you can . And we have kept dating literally every week since before we were married , like We've been dating .

Speaker 2 6:15

Since we've been dating .

Speaker 1 6:17

We've been dating since before . We were dating because we were not boyfriend and girlfriend until I don't know , like five or six months in . And then , the same night that we , the same night he asked me out , we said I love you if that tells you how long we had been dating or not dating , whatever , the whatever .

Speaker 2 6:40

What the youths call a situation ship .

Speaker 1 6:44

Situation ship .

Speaker 2 6:45

Yeah .

Speaker 1 6:47

So I think the commitment part is really big , because marriage , yes , is a symbolism of commitment , but you can be in a committed partnership and not be married . You can be in a committed , like journey to connecting to yourself or connecting to your partner .

Speaker 2 7:07

I think it applies in a lot of situations , but it's a choice and it's a choice that , like , feels warm to me and I also think it's important , like if you do want to be married or have a wedding , like if you do want to just have a wedding or just be married , like that's totally fine .

Speaker 2 7:31

Yes , I would say that when , if you do end up getting in a relationship and you want that thing , you need to actually start picturing your life with that person and planning and like taking everything into account , not just the wedding day , because I feel like oftentimes it's romanticize and then it's like OK we had her we had our wedding , but you haven't like thought about OK , what about when times are hard after that ?

Speaker 2 8:09

Or can I see myself with this person after that ? And it's OK if you can't , but don't I would . I would hate to see anyone just kind of like strung along because of this idea of no , I'd love to have a wedding .

Speaker 1 8:27

Right , and I think that goes back to like the first thing you said about having hard conversations , because I also think like you can be in love with someone and want to get married and you're just like unsure of what the future is going to look like , and so , instead of just saying , oh shit , it's not going to work out , talk about it . You have that very honest communication with each other , because it might just be like you want to make sure you're on the same page .

Speaker 2 8:54

Your partner might think of things or bring things up that you haven't thought of , and so and it's totally OK to want to have your wedding but also be unsure , like not quite see .

Speaker 1 9:08

Yeah .

Speaker 2 9:10

And so I think that's the best way to get married with as the person you're getting married to , because if you talk about it , maybe that vision becomes clear and that person , like you , can see them in that .

Speaker 1 9:26

Absolutely .

Speaker 2 9:27

What was the next thing on your list Is something I think is important but also I feel like happens over time . So it's not necessarily something you actively do . I guess I feel like you can actively work towards it , but also it subconsciously happens . The next thing on my list was to accept and appreciate all the things about the person you're with .

Speaker 2 10:02

Because , Well one , I know I'm annoying as hell , but but you know I feel like Claire like accepts that about me and like if it's too annoying you know she'll say something . But the other day I was thinking like sometimes we have a lot of mess and he means my mess . I have a mess sometimes too , but , like Claire , had left this half eaten snack on top of our like shoe rack and key rack .

Speaker 1 10:39

And it was a Trader Joe's peanut butter and jelly bar and sometimes you just need one bite and then you put it down and then you forget where it is for a few days .

Speaker 2 10:50

Yeah , that's crazy . I eat all my snack at one time because I'm a hungry boy , but anyways , I saw that and because I was like kind of picking up the house and I was like it's not good that this is here . But also I knew like if Claire was not my partner and we weren't married or weren't living together , and like I didn't see those things .

Speaker 2 11:16

I would miss that about her , because that's just a part of who she is . That's so cute and , like I know , she forgets where her drinks and snacks are due to her ADHD a little bit .

Speaker 1 11:31

But like I appreciated that and I know I would like miss that a lot if we weren't together- when you told me that I was going to tell that story , I actually like I'm so glad you did , because it really into your point . But as soon as you told me , you were like I found this . Like you were so like soft and kind . You were like I found this snack bar and I know you only had like one or two bites and you left it there . And then there was like a pause and immediately I was like oh my gosh , I'm so sorry because I was embarrassed because I forgot about it .

Speaker 2 12:06

You went into apology mode , yeah .

Speaker 1 12:08

I was like , oh , he's mad . I left food out , which is like not good , I don't want to do that , I don't try to do that . But it was also out of my sight and typically with I'm just going to say , for my experience with ADHD , if I don't see something , it's not there , I forgot it exists and it's very hard for me to recall that information or snack . And then he was like , don't apologize , I wanted to tell you I love that about you . I love that you leave little things here and there . And then I don't know I don't really remember all of what else you said because I was immediately crying . I was like what do you mean ? Like what do you mean ? You like the part of myself that I hate . I was so confused and like overwhelmed with emotion in a positive way . No one has ever , to this day , like said something like that and it was really eye opening to me and the same goes for you . Like there's so many things like Anthony will not put away his laundry .

Speaker 2 13:15

Yeah , it's a problem .

Speaker 1 13:17

And like I love that .

Speaker 2 13:19

I want to be clear .

Speaker 1 13:20

It's clean laundry in a basket All my dirty laundry goes in the hamper .

Speaker 1 13:27

Because it doesn't affect me , it doesn't bother me and like I know that that's something that you struggle with is like putting away laundry , and I never have wanted to like fight about that . It's not something I don't know . Those are maybe like smaller things in our relationship , but it's like , hey , I know this about Anthony and I know that he knows he struggles with it and so I'm not going to be rude about it , I'm just going to love that part of him and then we can like work through it together . Like sometimes we'll fold your laundry together you showed me the way you like to have it folded or sometimes you'll pick up my snack or my cup . That has become a science experiment because it's been sitting out for a mysteriously long amount of time .

Speaker 2 14:13

Do you want ants ? Because that's how you get ants .

Speaker 1 14:17

No , no , no , no , not like that .

Speaker 2 14:19

Okay , I'm not like that .

Speaker 1 14:21

I am not like that , because I do care very much about being clean , but I struggle with .

Speaker 1 14:27

Like I said I'll leave something somewhere and I won't be able to find it , and yeah , that's hard for me

Tips for a Successful Marriage

Speaker 1 14:34

.

Speaker 1 14:34

On that note I had also written down don't be afraid to switch things up around the house .

Speaker 1 14:39

Like if one person is always taking out the trash , always getting groceries , always making the bed , sprinkling in some like surprises every now and then of I know this is your designated duty to like take the trash out or to , I don't know , fold the laundry .

Speaker 1 14:56

We don't really have that split up exactly , but every once in a while , if Anthony like picks up toilet paper or water , like water bottles for the house , or if I'm like ooh , I'm gonna clean up your gaming area and like organize your controllers and whatever I don't know , like it's kind of nice to just do those little surprise things for your partner . Or surprise yourself and like do like clean up an area that you leave really messy sometimes . Or take yourself out on a date , buy yourself flowers , treat yourself to a new video game or something like surprise yourself and surprise your partner , and then don't expect anything from it . You do it just because and I also think that kind of helps break up oh , only you can do the dishes and only I can unload the dishes . It's like no , sometimes like we need help .

Speaker 2 15:56

Yeah .

Speaker 1 15:57

Or sometimes you're out of town , or sometimes in the past , like I've had an injury and maybe that prevents me from being able to do something around the house or in my life that I would typically do Right . So it's , you know , compensating but also helping out and then not expecting anything in return .

Speaker 2 16:19

Yeah , just doing it because you think it would be helpful to the other person . Mm , hmm , yeah , I like that .

Speaker 1 16:27

Yeah , our lists , yeah , our lists are going well so far . What do you have ?

Speaker 2 16:33

My next one was communication is key , and yes . You know , it kind of goes back to that first thing I was saying , but also , you know , we're not always talking about hard things .

Speaker 1 16:47

Yeah .

Speaker 2 16:48

Like sometimes it's just like , hey , I miss you , okay , bye , mm . Hmm . You know , in a text or a call , or just like , hey , I need this from you or can you help me out and do this , or hey , this is bothering me , mm . Hmm . So you know , and that can be both Claire and I talking , or that can be us communicating with our friends , our family members our people we work with For sure .

Speaker 2 17:20

It's just a overall good thing to have is good communication , and that's just something I feel like was really highlighted being married .

Speaker 1 17:33

Yes , and I think that is like the number one thing that has held us together , because around the time , even before we were dating , I was kind of challenging the idea of , oh , I wish so , like I want someone who can just read my mind and who can just know everything about me and like understand what I'm thinking without me having to Literally communicate it , because in the past I was shown and saw and heard . You want someone who can just know what you want for your birthday , know what you want for dinner , who knows where you want to go out on a date , who knows what you're feeling when you're crying . And I like applied to that and was constantly getting into arguments or feeling confused or left out in some way . And it's because I was not verbalizing what I wanted , what I desired , when I was struggling with what I was feeling . So there was absolutely no way for the other person to know .

Speaker 2 18:33

Right , barbie movie went crazy yeah .

Speaker 1 18:37

For real , if if you are not saying what's happening in your mind or in your heart , or what you're experiencing in your body Everyone else has a completely different lived experience and has their own life that they're living it doesn't feel like it would make sense to me to assume that not only your partner , but , like everybody in your life , knows what you're going through and what's happening and expect them to , I guess , be able to provide something for you if you're not being honest and communicating about those things . Period .

Speaker 2 19:16

Yeah , that's a good one and you know , like you were saying , you were told you want someone who can anticipate your needs and stuff , and that's fine .

Speaker 1 19:28

It is fine yeah .

Speaker 2 19:29

You know , at least at the beginning , you need to verbalize like , hey , I need this because then they're like okay , I hear you , and now I can anticipate it .

Speaker 1 19:40

See , you're always adding like good stuff to what I'm saying , because that is true . And I would say after I don't know if we've been together for a certain amount of time I don't really know . It's been a while and they're . Great 2017 , 2018 .

Speaker 2 20:01

Six years almost .

Speaker 1 20:03

Yeah , we learn things about each other . And then , yes , I guess I could anticipate like you might need something like this and I can get it for you , but I'm not going to expect that to be the thing to fix everything .

Speaker 2 20:18

Right , Like if I'm coming upstairs and Claire is already upstairs in bed , I know probably bring a water bottle for her . Thank you , yeah , so she can wake up in the middle of the night and just chug it and pass back out Like that's just something she does .

Speaker 1 20:36

Yeah , and I would say that's like a pattern that you saw I was struggling with . And then yeah you learned to help me out in that area Exactly .

Speaker 1 20:44

And you know , I guess . So then , on the other end , it's not like I'm expecting every night of my life forever you will always bring me water at night , like I'm going to get myself water most of the time , right , and I don't know . So I think there's just some balance within that . And the next thing I wrote is it's okay to go to bed angry sometimes . And oh , it's 10 , 10 . Yay , we like to send each other , like when it's 11 , 11 , 10 , 10 , 5 , 5 , 5 , 3 , 3 , 3 .

Speaker 1 21:15

So anyway , side note , it's okay to go to bed angry sometimes because you can wake up with a clear head , and I think this was also something that I heard like you should never go to bed angry . And I'm going to be honest , like it is hard to go to bed sometimes when you're hurting and when you're angry . And there are circumstances where , if you both feel like , yes , we can keep talking and like work this out , that's fine . But it's also really powerful and important to be like look , we cannot even agree to disagree at this point . We're both in a tough spot . I need some rest so I can wake up and we can continue this conversation . When we're more cooled off , when we actually have sleep .

Speaker 1 22:03

We're not like sleep deprived and tired and crying or upset , and then you have that clarity in the morning . That's pretty much been my experience every single time and I can't recommend that enough . But I'm not saying don't talk about difficult things if you're in the middle of something . I'm just saying learn when it's appropriate to put a pin in it , recharge and then come back to the situation . And this doesn't even apply to like if you're going to bed angry . I'm saying if you're having like a really big disagreement or you just can't see eye to eye during the day , please walk away for a few minutes and cool off and come back , walk away . So I don't know , I stand by that advice , I live by that advice and what are your thoughts on it , anthony ?

Speaker 2 22:55

Yeah , I don't know if any of you are like me , but if I'm tired , my ass is going to sleep .

Speaker 1 23:02

Or we're going to be saying things we don't mean because we're real tired .

Speaker 2 23:07

Well , you know , what I'm saying is like we could be talking , but if we're in bed and I'm laying down , I'm going to try to talk to you .

Speaker 1 23:15

Oh , yeah , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 23:19

And my brain just kind of shuts off . And Claire's like are you even awake ?

Speaker 1 23:23

Are you listening to me Right ?

Speaker 2 23:26

So that's a time where it's like whoa , we totally need to put a pin in this , like Claire's also seen it to like not necessarily we're arguing , but she's talking to me and I'm responding . And if I'm like half asleep I'll respond with just whatever crazy dream is going on . And she'll be like you need to go to bed and I'm like no , we're talking .

Speaker 1 23:55

No , I'm like it's time .

Speaker 2 23:57

Yeah . So you know , recognizing where kind of your limits at and having your partner recognize that and be like okay , like we can put a pin in it . We'll come back to it , because it's not going to be productive if we stay up and try to fix it . Yeah , and that's what I'm saying .

Speaker 1 24:18

It's a time . So the common theme that I feel is maybe just challenge some stereotypes . You have heard about being like in a long-term partnership or being married . You know what I'm saying . Like don't always go with what you were told . Maybe like think outside the box a little bit and then accommodate to what's appropriate for yourself and then for your relationship .

Speaker 2 24:45

Right and I feel like there's all these sayings , but low key if you think about it . People just be talking out their ass a lot .

Speaker 1 24:55

And yeah , there's definitely some sayings or things that were enforced to maybe keep people quiet or suppress feelings , because it's easier if people don't push back and we both push back and I think that not in a toxic way , but in a way that makes us grow together and doesn't like push us apart .

Speaker 2 25:22

Yeah , Kind of building off . What you were saying is like you know , there's all these sayings and stuff and that might have fit for that .

Speaker 1 25:31

I don't know Era Time era , that's true .

Speaker 2 25:35

But also , like some of these sayings , people didn't have toilets or electricity at the time .

Speaker 1 25:44

Maybe there was just different type of access to free sources .

Speaker 2 25:46

The quality of life was not great , but we have improved . So I feel like we can improve our change , how we apply those sayings to make it better .

Speaker 1 25:58

I agree , I agree .

Speaker 2 26:01

So , anyways , the next thing on my list is it is fun when you start acting alike or thinking the same , and that's it is . You know that's not advice , but that's just something I've learned is like you spend enough time with someone and your mannerisms and the way you say things becomes very similar . They sync up , and it's fantastic when you're out in public and then you just start laughing at the same dumb thing . You know , Claire and I are constantly quoting SpongeBob .

Speaker 1 26:38

SpongeBob .

Speaker 2 26:39

Yeah .

Speaker 1 26:40

Sometimes we used to quote new girl a lot .

Speaker 2 26:43

We did a lot of new , but SpongeBob is like tried and true .

Speaker 1 26:46

Is that a saying tried and true ? Whatever , it's constant .

Speaker 2 26:50

Yeah , I mean mostly because SpongeBob's elite shout out season two and three .

Speaker 1 26:56

Oh my God , the best seasons .

Speaker 2 26:57

But I don't know , it's just fun and it kind of reminds me , like you know , even though we're in this super serious , committed , long term relationship , it's not a like she's my old ball and chain type of deal .

Speaker 1 27:16

I hate when people say that it drives me into this place of like extreme sadness because I'm , like I feel so free in a relationship I would never even like .

Speaker 2 27:31

It just kind of reminds me like , oh , like Claire's , this funny , fun person that I can joke around with a lot . Yeah , so it's , it's just fun when those kind of things happen , and I'm sure everyone at some point has experienced that with another person they've been around .

Speaker 1 27:50

Yeah , and I love the duality that we both can experience , because I sometimes feel like , oh , it can only be like , we can only have an emotionally rich relationship . It's like no , we can absolutely have this on one end of the spectrum , and then we can also be literally singing and dancing in Walmart , being totally silly and having a great time quoting SpongeBob out our literal ass and buying like chocolate cereal , and then two days later we're like sitting next to each other , enriched , in an existential , tearful conversation Like there's , there's so much range you can have when you're , you're authentic self in a relationship and I love that .

Speaker 1 28:44

Like you said that , because you're like , oh , it's not advice , I think it is , I think I don't know . I like that a lot . I wrote down that it's okay to change your goals and talk about them changing and for things to also evolve that you yourself and you and your partner hope for in the future . It's not like something is written in stone and that it can never evolve or change and I really just kind of want to leave it at that , something simple , like it's okay for your goals , I guess , to change . I don't know .

Speaker 2 29:23

Yeah , I , it's true . I feel like life changes or you recognize , damn , this wasn't all I expected to be . Yeah , and you can adjust accordingly and that's fine .

Speaker 1 29:38

And I wonder if , because maybe your goals or hopes and dreams are changing , that means you're changing and that's good , in my opinion , because we are not always the same .

Speaker 2 29:51

So yeah , so next on my list is more advice type , especially for my fellow what do we got ?

Speaker 1 30:02

What do we got ?

Speaker 2 30:03

Because I notice this most in guys , but learning to decipher venting versus fixing .

Speaker 1 30:14

Oh , because I always immediately Mic drop .

Speaker 2 30:20

Go into fix it Felix mode and I'm like , all right , like I hear you , let's solve this problem , can we do it ? Yes , we can Shout out Bob , bob , the building . Yeah , can we fix it . But you know , also it's like I need to get better , and I feel like I've started to a little bit of get better about hearing people out about like damn , like I just got to get this off my chest .

Speaker 1 30:52

Yeah .

Speaker 2 30:53

Like if it's something with work , I can't change anything at Claire's work or anything . And I can't change anything at your work , I know , but boy , can I be your biggest hype man about whatever you're feeling , and sometimes that's all you need is just to be heard out and then feel supported as opposed to thank you .

Speaker 2 31:19

Oh well , next time you go into work , you need to talk to this person and change this . And you know what , just flip a desk while you're there and , oh , you know what , just quit . That will show them like it's like no I just wanted you to say you know what claire you're right .

Self-Healing and Separate Blanket Importance

Speaker 1 31:41

How silly of them I mean , I don't even need to hear , I'm right I just want you to be like I really hear you and see that this conversation you were having with your family like that's really a struggle and that's really hard I see you sentence over and you know it's interesting that you were like oh you know this is for , like my guys .

Speaker 1 32:05

Like you know , this happens a lot . We didn't see each other's lists before making this episode and just yesterday I was reading about how a lot of um , if you're in like a heterosexual relationship , like a lot of females will try to then fix the male like they want somebody to . This sounds horrible to like work on and like work with together , and so if you think guys are doing that and I'm hearing and from my personal experience like have also tried to do that that's a sign for me that we both like every gender , every person , everyone out there work on healing yourself and then be in a relationship with someone and like grow together . You can teach each other things and feel things together , but we don't always have to be fixing other people's problems and making a relationship or a friendship or a relationship dynamic , a project yeah and a lot of people struggle very deeply with that , because we so badly want to be something for someone .

Speaker 1 33:19

It's like we want to have purpose or value , but your purpose and value is just being who you are , it's not what you do and I think too , um kind of building off of that .

Speaker 2 33:32

You know , sometimes it's like oh well , you know , I I'm helping this person and I'm helping fix them and , like , take care of their problems , but , low key , you're avoiding your problems and validating it . Yeah , that could be through working on someone else , you're like , oh well , I I can't work on me because I'm working on them oh , that's , that could definitely be true .

Speaker 2 33:59

I wonder if that resonates with anybody and I mean I'm gonna say stop avoiding your problems . But I'm also talking to me , because I know I probably do that without realizing it as well I think we all do right , and that's okay , but you know , sometimes it's important take that step back , be like all right , I got . I got to work on me a little bit love that .

Speaker 1 34:26

Was that your turn next , or did you just share when ?

Speaker 2 34:28

I was just what ? Oh , but I can , I can no no .

Speaker 1 34:33

Um , my next one is really funny and slightly controversial . Um , yeah , you can have separate blankets in your bed . The controversy that I've heard when I've like talked about this online before . It's just funny and I just feel like like a lot of things frustrate me in life and if I want to come to bed at the end of the day and not have like anthony roll over and take the blanket or not have me roll over and take all of the blanket , yeah then we're both cold , we're both frustrated , we're not feeling connected and we have like two blankets on our bed right now , but we can get under like the sheets together , like we can still share a blanket .

Speaker 1 35:26

We're not living separate lives , but I'm like , I am almost positive , most people who share a bed one person or both people fight for the covers and blankets in some way or another . And I just want to tell you it's okay to have two blankets if you feel like that could help you out and then share the sheet underneath the blanket . I don't know , I feel like it's maybe funny to think about , but has made me , like , sleep better listen , if you want your relationship to succeed , you'll get two blankets .

Speaker 2 36:03

Oh my god , and that's all .

Speaker 1 36:05

That's all I'm gonna say about that yeah , and you know that's not for everyone , but I think that's just kind of a fun little thing to think about .

Recognizing Needs, Writing, Getting Dog

Speaker 2 36:18

My next one was something I've learned is to recognize needs and comforts , and I feel like we've already kind of touched on that . But I feel like over time , the more you get to know a person , you'll learn to kind of automatically recognize like oh , maybe Claire hasn't had a good day , Get her a snack .

Speaker 2 36:46

Or oh like , if I see something at the store like Claire's favorite drink , I can just get it , and it doesn't have to be because I messed up or because you know I'm anticipating something negative , it can just be . Hey , I think this would be a good , this would be a nice surprise for her .

Speaker 1 37:16

And to me like that feels like an instinctual way to want to like show me joy or love in some way , which I do feel like is different from you trying to read my mind .

Speaker 2 37:34

Like if .

Speaker 1 37:35

I had a bad day and you and we haven't talked yet . You just see , like maybe my eyes are swollen from crying , or maybe I'm like kind of stomping around , or maybe I have my headphones on and I'm not making eye contact . Those are things you can assume . Maybe I had a bad day , but we don't know . That that's true .

Speaker 1 37:55

But , you can still , like you said , do something because you're thinking of me , or you can tell something I don't know what , but something might be wrong so that I just want to show you like love and joy .

Speaker 1 38:07

I'm not and to me that's also not you trying to fix how I'm feeling , because you can recognize , hey , I had a bad day and I also want to do something to cheer you up . And I'm also not trying to buy my way into making you feel better , because that doesn't really work sometimes in my opinion , but you're still showing that compassion and that you care and yeah or even if it's like you know , she's just sitting there on the couch Like I can go give her a hug .

Speaker 2 38:43

Yeah because it's like , oh well , you're at home , she'd be comfortable you know , yeah , yeah . So that's just something I feel like you'll learn the more time you spend with a person .

Speaker 1 38:57

Yeah , and it's really good , I think , to notice these things about like your partner , or notice these things about your own needs , because then I think , like I said , I think there's a difference between instinctually wanting to show someone love and compassion or understanding , or sit with them in a space when they're hurting , versus oh I know , this is what you need and this is how I'm going to fix what's happening . Like you know , those are two separate things .

Speaker 1 39:29

So but that's really good , a really good thing to bring up . Thanks . I added that it's really enjoyable to write to each other , whether it's on a card , a letter , on the back of a printed photo , which I did yesterday in a shared journal which we also had writing to each other for special occasions , because when my grandma passed away , like I got a lot of stories from her like about I don't know like her love that she had with my grandpa and just like the love that she had for life , and there was opportunities where I could read like letters that they wrote each other , like they went on a couple's retreat at some point earlier on in their marriage and they were writing to each other and then there was something that I could see and read , you know , 30 , 40 years later , probably more than that , but anyway , like it was really special . The second reason this is very important to me is because I've always heavily struggled with my memory , and so photos and also writing and being able to go back in time and Not recreate the feeling but be taken back to that moment is so intimate to me and so beautiful and I think we've done a really , a really good job with that , and I also love getting cards .

Speaker 1 41:04

I love , I will take a card any day , even if it's like Happy birthday , grandpa , even if it's not for me . I just love cards . So , so , so much , and I love being able to read what you are thinking and feeling , and it's always just like a I don't know , just like a little , oh my gosh . And then I smile and I get so excited and I save every single card I've ever gotten and I have a box of them .

Speaker 2 41:33

And I love it . It's so special to me so the next thing on my list is Something I've learned is a dog may be necessary .

Speaker 1 41:45

Please , can we get a dog ? Please , can we get a dog for ?

Speaker 2 41:50

anyone listening . If you have a puppy and you're trying to get rid of , yeah which I don't know why you would be I'll take it .

Speaker 1 42:02

No , I I think that , okay , this is . This might be like kind of weird , but I feel like a dog , like I'm socially awkward and if there's a dog just like in the house , I Feel like it helps take away the awkwardness , because it's like you have this adorable little little buddy dog and there's always something to like talk about and you always have a friend and it gets you outside to go for walks and right and like dogs , like yes , they do need some things for you , like you need to feed them and take them out , and

Speaker 2 42:40

stuff but Other than really just keeping them alive , they're not asking anything of you , and I feel like that's so . Oh , they want love . Oh yeah but I feel like that's refreshing to to not feel like , oh , like I Need to do this , this and this for this person or , you know , feel that pressure .

Speaker 1 43:04

I guess , yeah , our dog is gonna be very , very loved and maybe spoiled a little bit . And this reminded me of a point and I wanted to say earlier .

Lessons for Healthy Relationships

Speaker 1 43:16

If you are struggling in a relationship and you think Getting a dog or getting married or having a baby is going to help bring you closer or fill a void of some kind , I just want you to ask yourself that one more time , like , is this really going to help ? I have seen this happen . Someone's like , oh , our relationship problems are gonna be fixed once we get married because we're gonna be so committed to each other .

Speaker 1 43:45

Think , about that you know what I'm saying . Or if it's like , oh , we're really struggling , like we need something to bond over , let's get a dog , but you're already fighting every day . I just want you to think about that and that is absolutely Does not happen in every case , I would argue . Even the other side , like getting married can bring you really , really , really close together . Having a child life changing , beautiful experience that can bring you really close together . I just want people to think about a lot of my listeners are younger or our age . I just want you to think about is that what you really want ? And just make sure you're not trying to Bring something into your relationship to maybe cover up an existing problem . And I mean that with so much love and I've been there and I've done that a bunch of times . I have made a lot of mistakes like that . So I just want want you guys to to hear that from someone who loves you right and I Kind of want to add on to that .

Speaker 2 44:45

Like some , like you said , sometimes that does help right to . You know I would look at the inverse of well , what if this doesn't help ? And now ?

Speaker 1 44:56

you have this Commitment ?

Speaker 2 44:58

well , yes , you have this living thing , this animal or this baby , who ? Who depends on you ? Yeah like it's one thing if it's like hey , like you know , we're arguing a lot , we need something that could help strengthen our bonds . But it's like , okay , we got this board game .

Speaker 1 45:23

You know , we went to a couple therapy session . Right , we went to a workout class together .

Speaker 2 45:28

We nothing else is dependent on you . It's just , I don't know , because I feel like the reason I haven't gotten a dog yet Is because I wouldn't be able to give it the time or energy or effort it needs . Yeah and that's not fair to that . Wouldn't be fair to that dog .

Speaker 1 45:49

So Think about that . Thank you other contexts , moving on .

Speaker 2 45:55

Due to time constraints , we're just gonna kind of go through the last few on our list and Just tell them right .

Speaker 1 46:05

Yeah .

Speaker 2 46:05

Claire's . I like . I'm assuming I'm going first . Yes , okay so the next one I had on my list are Disagreements are okay and I disagree . I agree respectfully .

Speaker 1 46:23

You know I had yes or nodding my head .

Speaker 2 46:27

And you know that ties back to the communication and discussing hard things and accepting and appreciating everything About that person is like You're different people , you're not always going to agree on the same thing , but as long as you keep it respectful , I think that's okay . The next thing is Kind of ties to that . It it's okay to have different interest and hobbies . Yes , it's great to be able to share interest in hobbies and that can strengthen your bond , but it's okay to go do different things if you're interested in different things , like because , remember , you're your own person .

Speaker 2 47:11

You're your own person . Claire and I are not conjoined at the hip , even though we're married . That's crazy , but you know , like I like going out and being very active in a different way than Claire , and like I don't mind getting beat up or being in super loud places , or you know things like that and Claire's like why would you ever want to do that ?

Speaker 1 47:42

Yeah , that's okay . Take me to a serene pond and let me walk around this outdoor trail in silence and pick flowers and journal .

Speaker 2 47:55

And I'm like a PE teacher , you know . So I kind of thrive in chaos . It's fun . And the last thing on my list of things I've learned are hugs are a great tool . Oh , that can be . It can be for any occasion really . If You're sad , a hug can feel comforting . If you're super excited and happy or feel loved , like , you can express it with a hug . If you are bored , you can just hug someone and that's fine . So hugs are a great tool .

Speaker 1 48:36

Oh , I love hugs so much and I was very like pleasantly surprised and just like really enjoyed hearing , hearing what you had . The last few that I have are Laugh and do things that make you smile as much as you possibly can . We all know I struggle with mental health . It's no surprise , it's like we . We know life can be excruciating and stressful and I I struggle with depression a lot and I also feel Like life and death are just like a constant cycle and that feels super heavy to me a lot . And there's financial hardships , emotional hardships , things out of your control that you will always experience , like that's inevitable , it's going to happen . So if you can laugh and Smile and just be goofy and silly , I it's like medicine . I I don't know . When I discovered that laughter can just be as therapeutic as like crying , I was blown away and I just really love .

Speaker 2 49:44

I love laughing and smiling and I don't know , I love that sometimes you can laugh so hard you cry , and that's two birds one stone .

Speaker 1 49:52

That's me weekly baby . And my last thing is love with everything you have and just constantly put your truest self out there and just love like there's no way you're gonna get hurt and don't hold back . Because love is so many things . It's like an act you can do , it's a feeling , it's a knowing , it's an intuition , it's a choice , it's a lot , and I wish there were more words for what love is , because it doesn't just feel like a single thing . But when you just I don't know . I feel like when you are so authentic and just I don't know , when you're just so authentic and you can put your heart out there , I feel like that is the most courageous and like brave thing you can do , because you're risking it all . Essentially , I don't know .

Speaker 2 50:51

Right and I think that that's a really important point and I know I've said this to some of my friends . Like you know , like we said earlier , just because you're married does not mean everything is rainbows and butterflies and sunshine and stuff like that . There are hard days and sometimes you get tired and you can get real tired . But you know , it's in those moments where things are like rough , where it's like you have to wake up and you're like this is hard . But you know I'm choosing to work through this hard thing , I'm going to put in the effort , I'm choosing to love .

Speaker 1 51:36

Yeah , because love is a choice .

Speaker 2 51:38

And it is .

Speaker 1 51:39

Well , I don't think you can like choose , maybe , who you love , but I think you can choose how you love .

Speaker 2 51:44

Well yeah , it's . I'm choosing to work through this because I love this person .

Speaker 1 51:50

Yeah , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 51:51

You know I'm going to continue to put effort in because I know that's going to be good to foster our relationship , Yep .

Speaker 1 52:02

So I love you very much I love you too .

Speaker 1 52:09

And I love the listeners . Thank you guys for tuning in . We have to do a part two on on more advice and the memories that we have , because we wrote them down and we didn't even get to share them and this was also going to be a 30 minute episode and it's almost an hour . So there's just so much to share and that's what we do here . We share as much as we can in the truest way that we can , and just think that was our top ten ish in three years , oh my gosh .

Speaker 2 52:45

So , imagine how much more we're going to have for you in the future .

Speaker 1 52:51

That's so exciting and that's so sweet . So I hope that the podcast in this episode was meaningful , enjoyable . Maybe you laughed , maybe you felt something , maybe you were moved or inspired , and if you felt any of those things , don't forget to leave a rating . It really helps the podcast , and if you want to share this episode with anybody in your life , I would be so , so , so grateful .

Speaker 2 53:18

And also , if you wanted us to expand or elaborate on something , let us know . Like oh , I really liked your point about the dogs . Like you know , let's talk dogs . Or if you're like okay , I felt like this was really valid about relationships and like how do you continue to show effort and love when it's hard ?

Speaker 1 53:44

Let us know . Let us know , we can tell you about it in our experience , absolutely , absolutely . So , anthony , we'll be back again . We're going to continue this conversation and please send us feedback . If you have my number , text me . You can email the pod , add an invitation to share a Gmail . You can DM me or even Anthony on social media . Just let us know . Let us know and we will be happy to share more . We love you guys so much . Hope you have a great rest of your week .

Speaker 2 54:19

Bye , bye .