The Lies We Tell Ourselves and How Truths Evolve

Did you know that the desire to feel and the instinct to avoid feeling can coexist? We explore the common lies we tell ourselves about our emotions and how these distortions can lead us to disconnect from our authentic selves. In our discussion, we also highlight why it’s important to validate our own emotions, even if we’re not able to express them. This episode focuses on the importance of our emotional narratives, emphasizing the need for self-kindness and empowerment through truth.

In our search for answers to “Should I approach life from an analytical or emotional perspective (or perhaps both)”, we explore the difference between intellectualizing feelings and actually feeling them. We also consider how our truths can evolve over time and how recognizing the present moment can significantly influence our physical and emotional states. 

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Transcript

Exploring Emotions and Self-Reflection

Speaker 1 0:13

Hi everyone , welcome back to another episode of an invitation to share . How are you doing ? Let's check in for a minute . I am seated on a little pillow on the floor today , not recording from bed , surprise , surprise but I'm right next to my bed , so we're on the floor and I got really comfortable . I have some I guess maybe you could call them just items that are meaningful to me today , like with me today , I have some seashells and just some stones and another pillow to feel comfortable . I kind of just grabbed some items that I don't know I thought would be comforting to have while recording today's episode , because I'm feeling a little bit , maybe exposed today , a little bit disrupted , but not in a negative way .

Speaker 1 1:20

I am feeling very open with everything today and with this really big rainstorm that we have . It's feeling very much like a metaphor in my life for some reason , because we had a really long , hot sunny day . It was beginning to feel a little bit unbearable , which I want to compare to the emotions I was feeling yesterday leading into today , like really heavy , big , kind of like angry emotions that were becoming unbearable , and right when I just decided to release what I was feeling , we had a really big storm roll in . Ironically and I'm not one who loves storms and I'm not one who really knows how to sit with anger and as a challenge to myself today I'm sitting with my anger and sitting with the storm , and I have not felt this calm and at peace in quite some time . The plan for today is to share some of the lies that we tell ourselves and also , maybe , some truths that we tell ourselves . We'll see the direction that it heads into , but one of the lies that I tell myself is being angry is wrong , not even that it's bad , but I shouldn't be feeling it . I get a lot of guilt and shame with feeling anger , especially with feeling rage or frustration or confusion . Those are my top , my gold medal emotions and are at the top of my list , but I don't really know how to move through them and feel them in a way that is holding the truth of what they are , while inviting those emotions in and honoring them for what they mean or what they don't mean . I want to ask you have you ever told this to yourself as well ? My feeling of excitement is too much . I need to bring it down a notch or my stress is not appropriate for me to be feeling . I don't want other people to see me differently . Let me just reel it in or hide it , or , in my case , my anger is not acceptable to have . I shouldn't be angry . Those are things that maybe we tell ourselves that are not true .

Speaker 1 4:05

In this episode , I really want to have a thought-provoking conversation and guided thought process , if you will , of maybe what these lies we're telling ourselves are about our emotions or just about ourselves and kind of how we got here . I don't really know how I got here and I wrote this very long not really a story , but I kind of had a little bit of a journaling moment today where I was writing about why I was angry , that I wasn't letting myself be angry , which was actually not counterproductive . And let me tell you why . On a typical day , I wake up feeling frustrated , whether it's due to a medication I'm having a side effect from , I'm tired , which is valid . I didn't sleep enough , or maybe I have something stressful going on at work , or I have been dealing with a lot of difficult things with my personal life . Right now , I feel like it's valid for me to be angry . And when I wake up and I'm pissed off , the first thing , I think , is why am I already mad ? You need to stop being mad , Claire . I'm not even letting myself feel what I want to feel before I disconnect , and in more recent episodes I have talked about this feeling of disconnection that I have and how it relates to being online a lot and how it relates to connections I've been having in my life and this is more of another lens that I'm looking at it through .

Speaker 1 5:51

When we are denying ourselves , our own emotions , that we are feeling , we are telling ourselves what you feel is not true or it's not true enough for me to believe I need to sit with that for a second Made me choke up a little , because a lot of people already don't believe what we have to say in this world and if , instinctually , we or in this case , me I'm telling myself what I feel is not true , I can't even begin to unwrap or unravel the emotional damage that is doing to myself . And it's not something that can't be undone , because I'm working on those areas right now , and I believe that you can be working on these areas as well . Even if your emotion that you are trying to press down is not anger , it doesn't have to be the one thing that I'm really struggling with right now . It can be anything . Maybe you haven't even asked yourself that question .

Speaker 1 7:00

Is there a lie that I'm telling myself , or a truth that I'm suppressing , or a feeling that I have that I'm not allowing myself to feel , for whatever reason that may be . So when I am waking up in the morning and the first thing I do is telling myself no self , you don't feel that way . That is not aligned with how I want to be honoring my emotions and myself . But because I have been feeling frustrated and angry for so long , I am telling myself I just don't deserve to feel that way anymore . I don't even get to feel that emotion at all . We just need to move on and feel happy , which is not real .

Speaker 1 7:47

And the very first thing I said in my therapy session today is we were trying to figure out what route I felt best going down , and I said I want to talk about why I don't feel real and why I don't feel like a human right now . And at the very end of the session , I was feeling so full of life because I let myself feel angry the whole session . So by feeling what I was suppressing , even though I thought it was wrong to do is what was setting me free and making me feel refreshed , like there was a weight off of my shoulders . And , on that note , something I have been actively working on is trying to figure out how I can respond in the moment for making choices . Whether there are choices of what I want to work on in therapy , whether it's a choice of how I want to spend my free time or a choice of how I want to have a conversation with someone . These are all choices that I won't know what the right choice is until I'm in the moment .

Speaker 1 9:03

However , leading up to my therapy session or leading up to knowing I'm gonna have a big conversation , I'm trying to overanalyze and overplan . What should I talk about ? What words should I use ? How should I say this ? What's gonna happen ? And I get to the conversation or the situation and I'm not feeling into how I'm feeling . Therefore , that has led me to make some choices that were really not the choices that were best for me . It was another version of myself saying you need to make this choice , it's the right one for you

Validating Emotions and Building Self-Trust

Speaker 1 9:39

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Speaker 1 9:39

Like I wake up every morning and part of me is like you need to not feel your feelings and you just need to get on with your day . And the other part of me is like clawing , trying to express what type of rage we're feeling inside or how lost we're feeling or how tired we're feeling , and I'm not holding space for both to be true , which leads me to my next point , a truth that we can tell ourselves . More than one thing can be right at the same time . Like I want to feel my emotions and I recognize I'm actively avoiding feeling my emotions , both are true statements to myself . Letting myself be angry is real and letting myself not be angry is also real . These are two things that I'm telling myself that are coexisting together .

Speaker 1 10:34

And when I have had the opportunity and when I've had conversations with people in my life where we're kind of going down this path of I really torn I don't know what to feel I'm trying to sink into . Maybe I want both , or maybe I feel both , or maybe I feel neither of these . Instead of this black and white thinking which is causing more of a separation within myself , I've been working on sharing with others and feeling within myself . Maybe both are true . As I'm sharing these things , a thought is coming to my mind of , I know in the past I have avoided opening up my emotions , feeling them to myself or sharing them with others because I didn't have the right terminology or what I thought was the right words , maybe because I was very young or couldn't really put towards what I was feeling , which is okay . Maybe it was not a safe situation for me to do so and it was better for me to hold off on something , or I could not even access what emotions were flowing through me because my body was just trying to protect myself and it was just shut off .

Speaker 1 11:56

I don't know how many people relate to that happening . It's just that floaty feeling of being disconnected , which I've mentioned quite a bit before , and a deeper layer of that is the dissociative layer that I have lived in as well as a means of protecting myself in the past , whether it was protecting myself from others or maybe , if I think about it , protecting myself from myself , and so the practice of learning to trust myself , be true to myself , tell myself and feel things that are true to me , instead of aligning and believing and living these different lies that I tell myself about how I should be or shouldn't be , what I should feel or shouldn't feel , is really part of what I'm working on and that is helping me make progress and build a genuine , strong foundation of trust with myself . If you have ever had people in your life say to you , when you are just vulnerably sharing something or you are in a very emotional state Also , there's a lot of thunder happening right now it feels very moody , very true . So if you have ever been in a space where you are fully opening up to someone , whether when you are younger or in a relationship or in your current day life , and they say I just don't believe you , or no , no , no , like that can't be true , that didn't happen . Those experiences are invalidating what you're sharing , and people in this world already do that to us , unfortunately , and so we don't want to continue that pattern and do that to ourselves . And I didn't even realize I was doing that with myself , because I think the voice within me was starting to sound like the people , or past people that were around me , and it was becoming a harsh reality filled with comments or feelings or thoughts of it doesn't matter what I say , no one will believe me anyway , which was not a route that I wanted to stay going down .

Speaker 1 14:25

Another lie I think we tell ourselves is this doesn't matter , or sometimes even I don't matter , so I'm just going to ignore it . And part of building trust with yourself is recognizing that your emotions and your feelings do matter . I want to validate you and say that to you that you do matter , your feelings matter , your story matters , your life matters , and the more we can repeat that to ourselves fingers crossed , hopefully we start to believe it and then live it out . And I don't want to say we need to stop , and under a microscope , like very detail-oriented Lee , if that's a word , I hope we analyze every feeling that we have . That's , that's not what I'm saying . What I offer to myself is validating a whole range of emotions . I have Small emotions , big emotions , unfinished emotions , confused emotions , a bunch of emotions at once , because I believe they all matter , because they make up who I am as a human , and I want to feel and believe in myself that I matter as a human .

Finding Answers, Being Present

Speaker 1 15:50

With all of this , a common theme that I feel about questions related to emotions or creative expression , or depression and anxiety , or or healing in general is is what is the answer ? Why is there not an answer ? I do believe I am an analytical person . However , my heart takes over in a lot of circumstances . But that doesn't mean I don't try to read every clinical trial out there , read every research article , deep dive into every book , ask a bunch of people online and in my life to find the answers to things I want to know . Why do I feel this way ? Why do I express things this way ? Why do I not know how to solve this problem ? Some of these things might have what I feel is a short-term answer . Sometimes I might be able to tune in and tap in and say , okay , why do I think I'm feeling this way ? And sometimes it'll lead to oh , you were , you know , really overwhelmed at this place today and then you had to run a bunch of errands and you have this deadline tomorrow . Okay , technically , analytically , these things add up and could be leading to how I'm feeling Other times .

Speaker 1 17:22

Something way from my past or something that I have no memory of could activate something within me and I'm digging and I'm digging and I'm trying to say why do I feel this way ? Why did I respond this way ? Why does this keep happening to me ? And maybe I can't find the answer . I typically like to keep digging because I struggle with wanting the answer , and I feel like today I've had multiple signs remind me and tell me there does not always need to be an answer , which goes back to holding two things that are true at the same time . There could be an answer to why I'm feeling this way , and maybe I'm feeling this way just because I'm feeling this way . Maybe there's not an answer . I don't have all the answers and I don't need all the answers , and that's my truth For now . Something that's true about ourselves is that our truth can evolve , we grow and we change and we have different combinations of life experiences , and it's comforting to tell myself this is my truth for now , or this is the answer for now , or I can't find the answer for now . And philosophically , although that hurts my brain a little bit , emotionally , it's settling , it feels right and it feels true .

Speaker 1 18:59

When I am digging for a reason as to why I'm feeling something , I would say a majority of the time I am intellectualizing my feelings , thinking about why I'm feeling and then thinking about doing that instead of just feeling and that's it . That's it . I do both . I also do different variations of that and I'm sure we all do . I'm not here to say there is a right or wrong way to experience any range of emotions I think maybe I'm just here to share and I hope that connects and relates to you all as well .

Speaker 1 19:49

Sometimes there's a way I can tell I'm being in the present moment and it doesn't really happen until after me being in the present moment has passed . I get this feeling of when I'm hanging out with people that really fill me up , or when I've had an emotional cry that just releases something within me , or I've had a really great meditation or yoga class that unlocks this level of spirituality that takes me to quite literally a different dimension , physically , inside of me . My body will feel different after any of those experiences . I'm going to try to explain this the best way I can . Typically , walking around day to day , I will feel my body feeling heavy or almost rigid . It doesn't feel free , flowing , it doesn't feel sparkly or shiny or open , because a lot of the time I feel like I'm just going through the motions to just get what I need done and move on .

Speaker 1 21:06

But after I've had some of these really positive in the moment experiences , the inside of my body and how I walk and feel and move is like watercolors and it's so light . The way that I step and hit the ground and the way that the earth feels under me is different . It feels beautiful and I love that . It is just raining and lightning and thundering everywhere . As I'm sharing this because it's so , I don't know , it just feels so connected to the nature of the world for some reason .

Speaker 1 21:45

As I'm talking about how I feel when I am stepping on the earth , after being in the present moment , I feel like that's what my body feels like when I am alive and living in the present moment in every way . I don't know if down the line I'll be able to feel that when I'm in the moment . I would love that . I would love to be able to recognize them in the present moment and just feel into that and have a great time and not have to worry about that great moment going away or being taken away . I love to feel that way most of the time , but I also recognize life is ups and downs . That's what's constant . It's cyclical , there's patterns , and I have a clear vision and feeling in my heart of what it will be like when I can lean into that space more of the time , and I look forward to that day , and this is where we're hanging out right now and we're learning along the way .

Speaker 1 23:00

Another point that I have been reflecting on is what I feel like could be a lie that I tell myself , which is is once I do blank , everything will be better , or once I look like blank , my problems will be solved , or once I get this thing , I will feel fulfilled . And to me , that is relying on one thing , or getting one answer or one fix , and that will just somehow curate a better life for me . And I tell myself that I don't know if I do that as some type of like fear-based motivation or I'm unintentionally trying to program myself to achieve something . Either way , it doesn't feel natural , it doesn't feel right , but I do that all the time and it is causing me to live in the future . I don't know if anybody has has said that to themselves or done that as well , but recently I've been living a lot in the future . Once I do this , everything will be better . Once I get this , things will finally go my way , which is , in my opinion , robbing me of being in the present moment , not feeling real , not feeling here , not feeling feelings .

Speaker 1 24:31

Do you see how this is all tying together , and I heard this very good but simple advice recently of find one hobby that's offline or that's not involved with technology in any way . I would consider podcasting , a hobby of mine . I also really enjoy taking photos and making videos , so maybe that's like a even smaller hobby , but I don't really have a lot of hobbies that I continuously do that are like outside or in nature or offline , and I'm thinking those are the hobbies that ground us , that make us feel centered and that make time slow down . When I had a really good walking routine , it felt like every day was so much longer and I had more time to do everything , even if I was only going for a 15 minute walk . I think because visually , things move a little bit slower outside than they do . When I'm scrolling on my phone . Physically , I feel parts of nature on me , like I feel the sun or I feel the shade , or I feel the wind or I feel the rain , whereas inside the only thing I'm most likely feeling is like air conditioning , which is not a bad thing . I love air conditioning . I have the air on right now .

Speaker 1 25:59

However , when there are small reminders in our everyday routine , or even if it's not every day , if it's once a week or a few times a month , that remind us what happens when we slow down , how it feels to slow down and the value of slowing down . We are naturally becoming and coming into the present moment . So , wherever the rest of your day or night or week takes you , I want us to think about what are the lies I'm telling myself , what are the truths I'm telling myself , and maybe you'll have a beautiful moment where you're fully present and afterwards you will realize I'm doing all right . I can be in the present moment sometimes . I really hope that for you , I wish that for you , and I know it's not very easy to be in the present moment .

Being Present and Validating Feelings

Speaker 1 27:04

So , whatever you're doing after this podcast , maybe we can challenge each other to just take one minute to either sit or lie down and do nothing . Don't think about anything , don't look at anything , don't read anything , just lay there , and that can be your active practice of being in the moment , because you are just being . As we continue on , I just want you to remember that your voice is believed and it's valid . You are a wonderful human . Your feelings are important and they matter and they're real , and feeling is just about the most human thing we can do . I love you all very much . I cannot express my gratitude enough for you coming back to listen to the podcast and I really look forward to the next episode . Bye .