Ep. 83 How Do You Ask for Help? [Jumpstart Your Year: Day 23]

Happy New Year!

Welcome to the 2024 Jumpstart Your Year series, where we're coming to you every day this January with mini episodes to help you get reflecting on what's working and what's not in your parenting and productivity journey.

Our goal with the series is to create momentum and spark creativity so you can go into the new year with clarity and intention.

On Day 23, Kimberlyn reflects on the questions:

What is your relationship with asking for help? How are you able to ask for what you need?

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Transcript

Kimberlyn: To jumpstart your year, we're coming at you every day this month with many bite sized episodes to get you reflecting on what's working and what's not in your parenting and productivity journey. Our goal with this series is to create momentum and spark creativity so you can go into the new year with clarity and intention.

Hey guys, I'm Kimberlyn and I am back with day 23 of our jumpstart your year series. Today I'm going to be reflecting on the question, what is your relationship with asking for help? And how are you able to ask for what you need? And my first reaction to this question is, it's complicated. I have a really, really hard time asking for help, if I'm being totally honest and I don't really know, I've been reflecting on this a little bit myself and wondering what, what does this inability, not inability, because I, I definitely have learned how to ask for help, but I reticence to asking for help.

Where does it stem from? And I think that it has a lot to do with 1 me wanting to be seen as right. This independent self sufficient woman and 2 I think there also is kind of a, a desire to control everything. And when you ask for help, You can no longer control certain aspects of the way that you were given help.

Right. And I think about this particularly in terms of raising my daughter in terms of help around the house. I have had cleaning ladies, for example, in the past here in Chile, it's actually well, not so much anymore. But when I 1st moved here, it was very, very cheap to hire somebody to, to, you know, to come to your house, like, something around 10 to 20 dollars a day.

And so at one point in time, when I, when I first moved here, a lot of people had a house cleaners, like, either, you know, 3 days a week or all week. I generally just stuck to like, once a week, and while it was helpful and it was definitely very, like, nice to have the house clean and to not have that burden on, on me I ultimately ended up not having a house cleaner because.

There was a certain level of like. Lack of control that I had that I was having a hard time, dealing with, really. So, for example you know, them doing things in a way that I wouldn't necessarily want things done or not doing things in the way that I wanted them done. And also just me, not knowing how to give clear instructions to delegate.

I think I definitely haven't. An issue, especially when it comes to things that are like, very particular that I don't want people to see that side of me. And so, therefore, I don't ask. Right. I don't want to be seen as, you know high maintenance, or I don't want to be seen as like, oh, my gosh, like, how complicated.

And so. It's almost this image of myself wanting to appear laid back, wanting to appear like, you know, just go with the flow. Like, nothing bothers me. I'm very low maintenance. And so me refusing to get vulnerable. To that point of being able to ask for that kind of specific help. so, yeah, I think that there is definitely a level of vulnerability around asking for help level of, like, letting people in and showing people what you need, especially when it when it comes to like a paid.

kind of relationship, a paid type of help where you have, you know, every right in the book to ask, like, I want this done this way. And yet I still have trouble with that. And like, you know, thinking about like unpaid help, right? Like of, of, you know, moms of my daughter's friends who, you know, take her for the day or asking, you know, help from my daughter's grandmother.

On her, her dad's side, right? Because here in Chile, I only have her dad's side. Family. I don't have, you know, my family. I do now have a partner who, you know I can also trust to, to take care of Sofía or just, you know, simply be here in case she needs anything. Luckily, now that she's older it's, it's easier.

But, But, yeah, like, when you're when you're asking someone for help, and you're not really giving them anything in return you really have to kind of ease up, I guess, on the expectations and ease up on on the control. And for example, when Sophia was a baby, I I was very particular about the way that I wanted her to be raised and, To to a fault, I can admit that now but I was, you know, I wanted soul breastfeeding.

I did not give her formula until she was about a year old and she was sick. And her dad was like, we need to feed her something else, because I've been doing things my way. And it got to a point where they were like, we need you to ease up. And I had a really hard time with that.

So, you know, breastfeeding and baby wearing and baby lid weaning I did. So it was hard also because there was no one in my corner who really understood the kind of crunchy mom techniques that I wanted to implement and like when it comes to baby led weeing, I think a lot of people have issues around giving other people's kids like full, you know, pieces of food because there's the choking hazard or, or they feel like something is going to happen and they're afraid of doing that.

And so I didn't want to delegate that. I wanted it to be done. But I didn't want to delegate that because people looked at it weird and people questioned my decisions. And and I think that there's definitely a inner work that kind of needs to be done around that, but also at the same time, now that I'm like saying it out loud.

I think it's okay to want things to be done a particular way. I think it's okay to have, you know, your values and your desires when it comes to your kid. But then also not get so wrapped up in you are the only one who can care for your kid the way that you want. You know, your kid to be cared for to the point of your own detriment and your own, you know, not taking care of yourself which ultimately happened in my case.

I mean, I think that my over control over the situation definitely led to, it led to my divorce, if I'm being totally honest me wanting to control everything him not really being physically here during the week to participate in that, and then not wanting to To follow 

not necessarily the schedule. We were, we were definitely everything was kind of baby led, like so, you know, on demand breastfeeding and whatnot, but he was skeptical of that. And I wasn't willing to compromise. And I think there was also like a conversation that we just didn't have before having kids of like how do you want to raise them?

So yeah, going back to, to the asking for help. So it's something I've definitely struggled with. I've I've learned, especially after my divorce, I learned to, you know, Give up the reins a little bit. A lot, actually so, you know, every weekend she was going with her dad from she was a year, nine months old.

And so I was still breastfeeding her. And on the weekends, I would not breastfeed her because she was with her dad, or she was her grandmother, or she was with other family. And that year is the year that I also learned, you know, to travel on my own. And so I would go like, you bands like a week, two weeks.

No, never actually two weeks that, that year, but I did go like, you know, seven to 10 days on vacation without her. And and I realized that that was so fueling for me and so life giving that You know, I kind of ultimately had to say like, okay, she's yours for the week.

I can give you some tips, but, you know, I have to trust that you are her father. You are her family. You're, you have her best interest in, in mind. And I think that that's when things really started shifting and where I started realizing that I can't ask for help and I can't ask for help in terms of childcare.

And, you know, now , I definitely rely way less on his family. She still goes to his house over the weekend. But especially with pandemic and then this, like, lack of social network, right? Like, you can no longer just rely on the grandparents, because the grandparents were in isolation and, and she actually didn't see her, her grandparents for several months during pandemic.

So that was no longer an option. And in pandemic in particular, we had friends around the neighborhood who had kids her age. And that's when we started kind of building this village, right? Of, okay, like you take the kids for a little bit, and then I will take the kids another day.

And it was, it was very much this learning to lean on other moms. And that I think really opened my, my eyes to like, okay, how can I actually ask for help? And how can, you know, not necessarily like on a system of like, you take them to say, I take them the other day, but like, when I actually need help, like this day, I can't actually take her.

I have a big project and learning to, you know, to ask. And I think one of the biggest things that has really helped me through that is offering help when. You know, when it is just like stupid easy for me to take the kids when it doesn't. require any sacrifice on my part.

And I know that maybe the other parent doesn't necessarily need the childcare, but, but anytime your child is being taken care of, like that is a relief that is one less burden on your shoulders. I love when people are offered to take my kid because it means that I can get work done.

It means that I could take a nap. I can Just like lay on the couch and read and, and not have to feel like at any point in time, they're gonna, you know, ask me for, for snacks or help or, you know, mommy, can we do this?

Can mommy can we do that? It's, it's a relief when, when someone can take care of your kid. And so I have, you know, I started with Sophia's friends, like Sophia wanted to bring, you know, friends over. And so I've been very, very open to, you know, being kind of like the house where the kids play and we've got the pool and and of always kind of offering that help, especially when I see, for example, you know, her best friend, her mom doesn't have a car and her dad works during the, during the day.

And so, you know, If I can, if I can find times where I see them like and they're about to take the bus like back home and they live, you know, two blocks from me of really offering that help. And I think that as a society, we've kind of gotten away from from that help. Like offering help because we don't want to interfere.

We don't want to, you know, make someone feel like uncomfortable. Like they, you know, they have to say yes or I don't know. I'm just trying to imagine like all of the stories that I've had told myself of like, no, I don't want to interfere, you know, but I have let that guard down. And so anytime I see a moment where someone needs help and I can offer it, I offer. And so that has really been a beautiful way of me kind of giving. And then when I need help, I don't feel so bad and I don't feel so hesitant to ask for help at the same time. And so it's, it's really just like a give and take.

And it's not like anyone's, you know, creating this chart of like, okay, I helped this day. So. You know, you have to help me this day. It's really just like, as life occurs and, and we've gotten to a place where, you know, I can ask her for help at any time. And she asked me for help. And sometimes I can help and sometimes I can't.

And same for her. Sometimes she can, sometimes she can't. But we've kind of broken through that ice of You know, of what if, right? Of, of should I, shouldn't I? And we just ask and it's beautiful. And I'm trying to kind of implement that in other, you know, areas as well of, okay, like I can ask for help and I can offer help.

And that's kind of how the world I believe is actually meant to work. It's, it's how villages are built of, you know, me offering help. of my gifts, of my service, of, you know, the things that I can offer and then also receiving help in areas where I need help. And so that's kind of been the evolution of me asking for help.

So I'd be interested in hearing your story. Do you guys ask for help? Is it hard for you to ask for help? Yeah, let me know. Reach out to me on Instagram. Yeah. I'd be really interested in hearing your story about your relationship with asking for help.

So guys, if you liked this episode, you might also enjoy the village, our community and co work space, which offers opportunities for connection, accountability, and intention setting. Check out the link in the show notes for upcoming meetups and to follow along with our daily prompts this month. All right, guys, see you next time.