Handling Sibling Fighting Without Losing Your Mind

Sibling fights are normal — but that doesn’t mean they don’t drive us a little wild. In this episode of Clear & On Purpose, I’m sharing how I navigate sibling conflict in our home without turning into a full-time referee.

You’ll hear the real-life strategies I use to support my kids in building a healthier relationship with each other, even when tensions run high. From letting go of “fairness” to staying out of the he-said-she-said trap, I’ll walk you through mindset shifts and practical tools that can shift sibling dynamics in a powerful way.

We’ll talk about:

• What to do (and what not to do) when your kids are fighting
• How to set clear expectations without taking sides
• The power of “sportscasting” and validation
• Why I don’t aim for fairness — and what I focus on instead
• How meeting baseline needs impacts sibling behavior
• What it means to hold the emotional frequency of your household

If you're a parent who’s tired of breaking up constant bickering, this one’s for you. These tips are simple, gentle, and rooted in connection — not control.

Post: https://christinaslaback.com/2025/05/02/lets-talk-about-sibling-fighting-because-yes-its-totally-normal-but-we-can-make-it-better/

Resources Mentioned:

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Resources & Links

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Transcript

Christina: [00:00:00] when you are the emotional barometer for your household, you need that space to recalibrate yourself, your patience, your energy, your vibe. It all matters. And that's not to be said with a air of pressure, like additional pressure to put on yourself, but to give you that permission to take care of yourself to.

Treat yourself with the sense of grace and compassion that you wanna be able to give to your children, and being able to know that's important, and that's something that you need for yourself too.

welcome to Clear and On Purpose, the podcast design to help you cut through the noise and get back to what matters most. If you're feeling stuck, but needs to take intentional action, you are in the right place. I'm Christina Slayback, homeschooling mom of two and life and business coach, helping you drop in and align with your values and create more space.

Each week I'll be sharing practical insights and simple. Actionable steps to help [00:01:00] you find clarity, boost your energy, and design a life that balances ambition with mates. Let's dive in and get clear on purpose.

Welcome back to Clear and On Purpose, and we're continuing with talking about intentional parenting, and one of the questions that I get asked the most frequently is, how do I get my kids to stop fighting? the fact is that sibling conflict is totally normal and it's a part of relationships. But there are things that we can do to shift the sibling dynamic and to strengthen their connection and make our homes feel less like a wrestling ring and more like a place where everyone can actually breathe.

So I'm gonna talk about some of the lessons that I've learned from my own kids and from coaching other people that can reduce the sibling conflict and make it a whole lot more peaceful in your home. [00:02:00] So first catching the good stuff. One of the biggest shifts that I've made is intentionally noticing and acknowledging the moments when my kids are getting along.

So it's so easy to zero in on the fighting, and especially when it feels like all they're doing is fighting. And then that's what you're noticing. That's what you're talking about. It's loud, it's annoying, and it really does pull our focus, but I noticed that the more that I focus on the negative and on the fighting, it trains all of our brains to stay on high alert for the next fight.

They think that they're constantly fighting all the time, so then they do constantly fight all the time. I think that they're fighting all the time. So then every time that they're fighting, it's just proving that right to me. And I think that they're never gonna get along. So now by looking at and trying to openly acknowledge the times when they are getting along, I.

When I'm hearing laughter from the other room, or when I see one kid helping the other one, especially without being asked, noticing that and [00:03:00] acknowledging that you two are working really well together today, or, I love the way that you're playing with each other and reinforcing what I want more of, and it's also training my mind and theirs to see the good instead of constantly bracing for this chaos.

Second, I let them know that I want them to get along, but I don't force it. I think it was in Brene Brown's book that she said that sometimes our kids don't know that we want to get that. We want them to get along. They just aren't aware that's something that they should be striving for, that we should be striving for.

So I often will tell my kids. I really want them to grow up and be in each other's lives. I want them to be good friends. I want them to be the big support systems in our lives. As a family. We are our biggest support system, and that's for all of us. So I want to be encouraging for my children, for my spouse, [00:04:00] I want my kids to encourage each other and.

Just doing this in a very guilt-free, and not pressure-filled way, but as a, this reminder of the fact that their relationship is valuable. And I want them to know that I care about how they treat each other and not just because it makes life easier. Yes it does, but because I really think that those bonds are so meaningful and I really do want them to be able to have each other's backs throughout their lives.

And third, I don't play referee. And I think that this one is really hard for a lot of parents. As much as possible, I stay out of the middle of arguments. I don't take sides or get into the He shed or she said, I don't, I. Take blame or take sides on who the kid is or what they should be doing and what this kid is doing to this one, I really just try to remain a neutral observer and just insert [00:05:00] myself more as a mediator and sportscast the situation.

So instead of stop doing that to your brother, it's. I hear your brother saying he didn't like that. So reinforcing what I'm hearing them say if I'm hearing them say, stop or telling each other that they don't like something or that they don't want something to just reinforce what I'm hearing and that instead of me coming in and being the one to tell them not to is encouraging them to be listening to each other and noticing each other's cues.

So instead of just listening for mom to step in and to stop the argument, or for dad or another adult to step in and stop the argument, to really reinforce that there to be listening and checking in with each other as to what's going on and when we need to stop. Noticing and tuning into how the other one looks and feels.

It might not always be verbal, so noticing like your sister looks upset right now, I see her looking upset. So teaching them to [00:06:00] be able to spot and notice those cues and then make appropriate adjustments, and it keeps me really neutral and teaches them to tune into what's actually happening and not just how they're feeling.

 A lot of times they'll be able to solve the arguments or the disagreement on their own without me having to step in at all because we've been doing this for so long. But if things do start escalating, I'll step in with clear expectations. So it looks like you're having trouble controlling your body or your words, I'll help you.

Or you may need a break until you feel more in control. So if I notice that things are skewing too far, if they're really starting to get mad at each other, if it looks like someone's gonna get hurt, I'll step in if it. Seems like they're being emotionally manipulative to each other or really just saying things that they shouldn't be saying.

I'll step in with that too. I do encourage them to bring me in if they feel like they have advocated for themselves, they have asked for their [00:07:00] sibling to stop and that their sibling is just having a hard time being able to stop to have me come in and just help to reinforce that. But I don't come in a sense of what's going on or who's to blame or what's happening.

It doesn't really matter. So in the end, it doesn't matter all, it doesn't usually matter what happened. What I'm trying to do is help them and by modeling Elaine, this focus on what do we do now? How do we resolve the situation? Being able to move from that place rather than a what happened, who did it, who's at fault.

And then when we are ha are back to calm and we're, in a good place, then we can reflect back on that. What did happen there, is there anything that you could have done differently? How could you have handled this in a different way? And really just allowing them to take that step back when they're in a clear head space, to be able to look at and identify [00:08:00] opportunities that they can interact in a different way or make adjustments for the future.

Number four, I don't force them to like each other. I really do want them to have a really great relationship. I do want them to be best friends and. Sometimes I know that they're going to hate each other. That's part of being human, and I don't wanna shame those feelings or invalidate those feelings. So instead of saying, if one of them says that they hate the other one, instead of saying that they shouldn't do that, or know they really do love each other, I validate the emotion that's coming up at the time.

So it's okay to feel frustrated with your sibling. You don't have to like them all the time. But we do have to treat each other with kindness. And name calling and being hurtful isn't allowed, but the feelings, those are welcome. And that's part of learning the emotional intelligence, allowing them to feel those feelings of [00:09:00] frustration and anger that manifests sometimes as feelings of, I hate that, or I hate this person.

And just allowing those to come through and move through rather than stifling them down. Number five. fair isn't the goal. It's more about meeting the needs and the equity. This one is probably one of the weirdest ones for people, but I really don't try to make everything fair.

So if one kid gets something, I don't automatically mirror that for the other one. So every time that one kid gets. A treat. I don't automatically have one for the other one. It's not my job to balance a scoreboard. I don't want them competing to make sure everyone has exactly the same thing. what I want to do is meet each of their unique needs and teach them to advocate for themselves.

So working on, not fairness, but everybody gets what they [00:10:00] need. Everybody gets to be treated fairly and kindly in a way that meets their own personal needs, And it's really cut down on so many of those ridiculous little squabbles about who got the last pretzel or who has the most bubbles. And what's really beautiful about it is that without me forcing that or without me making such a big deal of everybody having the exact same thing all the time. They'll often go to each other and they'll share with each other because they want to, not because I'm forcing them to.

They'll often come and when they get something, they'll ask for one for their sibling automatically because they. In themselves want to create that sense of equality and that sense of fairness. And there isn't fights when they realize that one child might need something that they don't want or even need right now.

Sometimes when you get into the scorekeeping, a child may want something just [00:11:00] strictly because the other child got it and not because they actually desired it. So it's not who got the red cup or who got this. It's just everybody gets what they need and we just move on from there.

Number six, depersonalizing during conflicts. Taking the conflict and having it be something outside of, and not directly blaming someone, so it's not. Don't kick your sister. It's, oh, I noticed that your leg hit your sister. And just bringing it to that thing that, especially when they're young, they don't really have control over their bodies.

They don't really have control over the emotions. Their brain is really still developing. So it's not that they're intentionally trying to cause harm, and sometimes they can feel a lot of guilt or shame when it is. Directly like you did this. But just bringing it out and being a little bit more relaxed and playful about it.

[00:12:00] Especially when I'm noticing when these things are happening by accident or just because they're a little bit out of control and giving them that space for it, and also doing a check-in. A lot of times the kids just like to rough house on their own or they're having a game and it may sound like.

They're arguing or they're fighting, but just checking in without my own preconceived notions on what it should look like. So just a simple check-in is everyone having fun here? Or do you like that? I see that this is happening. Do you like that? And then giving them the opportunity to say yes or no.

And then moving from that space. And again, that's helping them to tune in and check in with each other. Do you like this? Is this okay that we can do this? And as they're, if they've gotten older, even the, just making it be more of a ridiculousness oh, you threw that ball and it hit your brother in the head.

I. Did you like that brother? No, he didn't like that. I hear him saying [00:13:00] that. He didn't like that. Huh? Who would've known that your brother wouldn't like to get hit in the head with a ball Now, and in a space where nobody's really injured, nobody's really upset, and these things are just happening to have this kind of playfulness about it who could have known that they didn't like being called that?

Now you do, or checking in like next time maybe ask your brother, Hey, can I hit you in the head with a ball? If he says yes, okay. If he says no, then maybe don't do it. And just being able to take that, the seriousness out of it, and being able to give them the opportunity to see how absurd all of it is and have those spaces where they can check in.

Stepping in when it's time. So there are times when I do have to step in, and especially if someone's face safety, whether that's physical or emotional, if that's at risk, I don't hesitate. So I do try to remain a [00:14:00] bystander in most of it. I actually try not to get involved as they've been growing older and giving them more opportunities for conflict, because I do think that the more that we step in as.

Adults or as parents to try to deescalate the conflict, the less chances that they have to be able to work through it and be able to develop those skills to be able to address it in the future. So I do try to remain neutral and be able to let them develop those skills. There are absolutely times when I do have to just step in, and that is when, especially when they were younger, where I would physically remove them from the situation if they're having a hard time controlling their body where we take space and just be able to sit down and even if I'm just sitting in the same room as they are while there.

Having their feelings about it just to keep everybody safe and to be able to allow them to displace the negative emotions that are coming up in a way that is. Comfortable and easier for everyone [00:15:00] involved. And that's a safe environment. So like I can see you're really frustrated, so let's see if we can find a way to move that anger that isn't aimed at someone else.

So making sure to ensure those boundaries and those limits, like you can't speak to someone, you can't throw your anger at someone else, whether that's physically or whether that's verbally. But let's find other ways that we can get this anger out of your body and helping to really tap into and improve those emotional regulation skills for themselves.

And again, so that they can eventually be able to identify them and remove themselves within situation when they need that. And it's not a punishment, it's just that protection. And that's guidance and it does model those boundaries. It does model that emotional regulation and helps to establish those skills for them.

An eight, meet their baseline needs first. And you can go back to the episode that I did on meeting the baseline needs. And it sounds really [00:16:00] simply simple, but honestly, if my kids are hungry, tired, overstimulated, if they're disconnected, they fight more. So looking at their physical needs, do they need ex, are they hungry?

Do they need food? Do they need rest? Do they need more movement? Do they need to get outside and move their bodies? If it's emotional, do they need some extra connection, attention, or presence from me or from someone else? And mentally, are they getting enough stimulation? Do they have that autonomy? Do they need space to themselves?

And if one of these tanks is empty. Even I get cranky. So of course they're going to, and just giving each other more grace and more space when those needs aren't meant at addressing that first, rather than trying to go in and resolve the conflict itself. And last but not least, number nine, giving yourself what you need to.

So don't get me wrong, even [00:17:00] implementing all these things, we still have fights and the bickering can absolutely drag me up the wall. Overall, they really do have a solid relationship and there is a lot of beauty and connection that they have there, and I've noticed that the more that I focus on that, the more that relationship grows.

But also when you are dealing with the bickering, when you have the fights going on, and you can be that emotional barometer. Where if you are staying calm, if you are staying steady, if they know that they can, that you can handle it, then it's going to change the energy in your household. It's gonna change the way that they interact, but it can be hard on us to be able to maintain that calm.

It could be hard to maintain that steadiness, to be that neutral observer, to constantly be having to teach these skills and to be able to help them regulate our body, their bodies. And we need to be able to regulate our own [00:18:00] selves. So taking the time to take care of yourself in order to be able to show up in a way that is going to be beneficial for everyone in the relationship.

I. Because when you are the emotional barometer for your household, you need that space to recalibrate yourself, your patience, your energy, your vibe. It all matters. And that's not to be said with a air of pressure, like additional pressure to put on yourself, but to give you that permission to take care of yourself to.

Treat yourself with the sense of grace and compassion that you wanna be able to give to your children, and being able to know that's important, and that's something that you need for yourself too. So I hope that this helped to be able to maybe change your perspective or give you some additional tools that you can try to implement.

For your children and to help stop some of that bickering. [00:19:00] And if you ever wanna dive in deeper, if you wanna look at some of the ways that you can change how you show up, if you wanna look at ways that you can address some of these tools and strategies and really implement them into your house, reach out and book a free consultation.

I'm happy to talk to you more about your values, about what you wanna set for your household, the tone. What you can do to really improve the relationship that you have with your children, with your household, and most importantly with yourself. So thanks for joining me and I'll see you next time. Bye.

Thank you for tuning in to clear and on purpose. If you're ready to take intentional steps toward a more fulfilling life and wanna customize the approach, I'd love to work with you. Visit www.christinaslayback.com to schedule a free consultation or explore current offers designed to help you gain clarity.

And reclaim your energy. And don't forget to subscribe and share [00:20:00] this episode with a friend if you found it helpful. It helps others find the show and grow our community.