Authentic Thriving Podcast
Welcome to Thriving mindset podcast. On this platform I will be talking on mental health, emotional wellbeing, sprituality, business, career, purpose . This will help you transform your mind as a person, help you live a purposeful life with clarity through holistic intentional lifestyle.Your feedback comments and share will be highly appreciated. Thank you and look forward to serving you value and authenticity.
Authentic Thriving Podcast
Beneath the Facade: Exploring The Mind of a Single Independent Woman - Part 1
What happens when society merges your identity as a woman with your role as a mother? In this groundbreaking conversation, we're joined by Uche, a 38-year-old single independent woman who boldly challenges the way we think about identity, boundaries, and self-prioritization.
Uche illuminates the critical difference between being a single woman and being a single mother, two separate identities that often become entangled not just by society, but first in our own minds. With refreshing candor, she reveals how institutions, communities, and even religious organizations inadvertently force single mothers into spaces where they don't fully belong, listening to guidance about maintaining marriages when they actually need support in building new relationships.
The most powerful moment comes when Uche declares, "I come first and my son comes second." This statement isn't about loving her child less – it's a revolutionary act of self-preservation. As she eloquently explains, "The woman comes before the mother... it's that woman in the mother that is carrying the family." When we eliminate our womanhood, we become the inner voice "screaming in silence to be heard, but nobody's going to hear."
Through personal stories and practical wisdom, we explore the tools needed to reclaim your identity: confronting fears, making peace with outcomes, and consistently acting in alignment with your chosen identity. You'll discover why it's crucial to "give to yourself what you expect other people to give you" and how to train people on how to treat you through clear boundaries.
Whether you're a parent or not, this conversation offers profound insights about authentic living, inner harmony, and the courage to say: "This is who I am." Ready to reclaim your identity and drive your own life's "red car"? Listen now and join us in bringing the woman back.
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Hello and welcome to Authentic Driving Podcast with me, abiyasonia Ebenezer Bamigbayon. I am in the business of transforming life positively through counselling, life coaching and speaking. I also express myself through writing as well. Have you read my book Inner Harmony Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnout? This book is available on Amazon and I'm sure it will transform your life.
Speaker 1:Welcome once again for joining me on Authentic Thriving Podcast. This is a safe space for soul, for truth, where we talk about our mental health, emotional well-being and everything that will help us to thrive authentically in a very holistic way. Welcome back to this new episode. So, on this episode on Authentic Thriving Podcast, we are going to be speaking on a very interesting topic Beneath the Facade, exploring the Mind of a Single Independent Woman. If you notice, I said we. I did not say I. I'm going to be speaking on. So that's because, for the very first time in Authentic Driving Podcast, we are having a guest, and you will know why this guest is very, very important by the time we get into the nitty-gritty of the conversation. So thank you so much, uche, for joining me today on this podcast. I don't think I'll be able to do it justice to introduce you, so I'm just going to ask you to introduce yourself right now, okay introduce yourself right now.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, wow, nice. Now you're putting me on the spot, because I already had my hopes high that you're going to be the one introducing me. Well, my name is Uche. I'm a 38-year-old female, single um, working class, and I live my life just like everybody else. Um, I'm a single mom of one, um, but that that would not be. I don't want it to be a main topic for the day, um, so, yeah, that's why I said you know a single, not a single mom, and I want people to clearly understand what the difference between that is. So, yeah, um, I have hobbies. I go to the gym, I train a lot, um, I work a a lot, I sing in the choir yeah, so that's really me. In general, not much, but sometimes it feels like a bit much. But it is what it is. Absolutely. That's me, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, um, for your modest introduction. Now, if you want to keep fit, you want to lose weight, you want to be in shape, this is the woman that you should be looking for, right? This is the woman that you should be looking for. When you see her in the gym, she's on day as in, like a moving train. If you're not going to move, she's gonna move you out of the way. When I see her with that edge, with that head stuff on her head and she's going on the on the serious boom, boom, boom, boom, like who is this lady? She's intense, but still intense, but still very, very approachable. So maybe we should do like a gym, this thing. I'll just be here because I don't think I'll be able to stand up with you. I'll just be like, um, your camera woman, then I can join in so you can see what I'm talking about. Anyways, we're gonna just move on.
Speaker 1:So the topic is about you know, I like this topic the fact that exploring the mind of a single independent woman. So the first question I'm going to quickly ask you is are there any misconceptions that you've seen about single mothers that you'd like to address? I just wanted to start with that before we dive in. Are there misconceptions out there? Because you said something you are single, but you're not a single mother. Is that what you said in the intro?
Speaker 2:Well, I said in the intro about me, I want them to be two separate things, because every single time, people have finally ended up merging the two things together, together. You know that nobody knows where the lines are in terms of perspective, in terms of characters and behaviors and, uh, things that you should or shouldn't do, or things that, um, you I will, I wouldn't call it deserved, but, um, the way that you portray yourself and the way that society sees you. So that was why I said I live on a separate world of it, and a lot of people don't. They don't, especially single women. They don't live on a separate world anymore.
Speaker 2:The moment they become mothers or find themselves in a position where they are single mothers, they don't know where their line is anymore, and so they, they merge these two things together and they live their life according to it and society sees them according to it, and people approach them according to this, and it can be something that they're constantly juggling with, because there is a part of you that wants society to see you as a single woman, but because your actions, your words, your behavior, your characters, your perspective reflects that of a single mother. The single woman is no longer there anymore. So the attributes and the things that people say to you or behaviors or actions towards you reflect only that of a single mother rather than a single woman, and that is one of the misconceptions that people have about single women and single mothers. So there's a bit of an enmeshment there, whether they are kind of, you know, into one people have about single women and single mothers.
Speaker 1:So there's a bit of an enmeshment there, whether they are kind of into women. If you don't mind for people that are listening, who is a single woman and who is a single mother? What is the difference between the two?
Speaker 2:Because there are some people that don't even know they are doing it Exactly exactly. You're doing it exactly exactly. A single woman is a woman who is, um, not in any uh, in in any form of relationship, legally or or otherwise. Um, a single woman is a woman who is, by definition, in in any legal way or, like I said otherwise, it's not attached to any form of partner. Um, so, yeah, that is a definition of a single woman. Um, that, on its own, is a definition of a single woman.
Speaker 2:Now, a single mother is a definition of this woman, this said woman who, by chance or in any way or any form, has found themselves in a position where they are caring for a dependent, whether birthed or adopted or in any way, shape or form. Now, if they are doing it by themselves, not by the help of another person. So, these are women who are responsible for looking after another human being and they are doing this by themselves. So these are people who are categorized as single mothers. So there is that transition from being a single woman to being a single mother. But these two things are separate and should stay separate, but you, as a person, is the one that has to separate them and then make it obvious to the society that they are two separate entities, and then the society will be able to understand and address you accordingly oh you should.
Speaker 1:I just feel you're schooling me as well. I'm not even gonna lie. I feel really schooled right now, and it's a topic I don't think I've heard anywhere whereby people just think because you are a single woman, you have to mention to a single mother. There are people that are actually single. They don't have any child with them. There are people that are single parents and they are also a single woman yes but there are people that are single mothers.
Speaker 1:They might be dating. That's what you're saying, right? Wow, that is a topic on the zone. People that are single mothers. They might be dating. That's what you're saying, right? Wow, yes, wow, uche, that is a topic on its own. Now, that is a topic on its own Because he said if you don't place yourself in the right way, then you're not going to be addressed properly.
Speaker 1:People that are in this situation, how can they position themselves in such a way that they are being addressed in the right way? Because I just feel that there's this, there's this belief that when someone is a single parent, they see them as being weak. There's a lot of things that are being attached to it. They see them as being irresponsible. They see them as people that are impatient. They see them as women that are not submissive that word itself.
Speaker 1:I have a problem with submissive. I have a problem with it. Maybe I need to address that at some point. But it's submission, or is it? When you lose yourself? Is that what we call submission? Because what you are saying right now? There are many layers to this and if we begin to unpick it, I don't think this podcast is going to be shot like I want it to be people that have found themselves in this position. How can they help themselves out and get that clarity to position themselves and present themselves in a better way so that they deserve? Well, we have to start with the conception of the mind.
Speaker 2:We, as single women, we tangled that in the first place. We can't blame society, we can't even blame men. We've tangled that in our mind and we've roughened it up and put it out there. It's up to us. Um, like you know, when a company produces something and there's a defect on it, they have to call it back. It's like calling back you have to call all that back, call it all the way back and then separate it, adjust it, readdress it and then put it back there. Yeah, so now for you to be able to do that, you have to be able to sit down and re-educate yourself. Try to understand what these two separate entities mean on their own. Ask yourself what a single woman is, analyze that, put it on a separate plate and then ask yourself who a mother is, because you are playing two roles. Now it's like, if you don't know, or you don't understand, or you don't understand or you don't know how to do it, I believe that you have, uh, friends who are not single, who are in a relationship or who are wives. Now, those are mothers. Take leave everything else that they they have going on in their life, take the, the motherhood, out of there and then go to your friend who doesn't have kids, who are single. They don't have a partner, they don't have children. Now, remove everything else that they have or they don't have. Take away the womanhood that has to do with them. Put the two of them on the table and analyze the two of them.
Speaker 2:Now, as a woman, you, you, you understand what it because before being a mother, you were once a woman. Yes, so before being a mother, you were once a woman, and being a mother doesn't stop you from being a woman. So now you have to be able to go back to the drawing board, ask yourself who was I and what was I when I was a woman, before the whole children's coming before, the whole drama or whatever else that came after that, before it came. Who was I? Because, like you said about submission, people tend to lose themselves, and it's not just about losing yourself in the midst of partnership or anything else. People also lose themselves to motherhood. You lose your womanhood to motherhood and once you've done that, you've merged the two of them together and now that is now who you are.
Speaker 2:But because sometimes the society don't even know how to address those two measures. That is why you find, sometimes you find society pushing you towards the type of motherhood that involves, like you know, the full-on parenting household, the full two parents household. And you find, for example, you find in church, that you are now a member of the women's association because you're a mother, not because you're a wife, because you're a partner or a full-on household because you're a mother. The society, the church, have put you there. Sometimes you might be sitting there. There might be a part of you that is thinking what the hell am I doing here? There might be some topic and some conversations that could come up, or the way that they look at you or the way that they talk, or the way that they you know they they give those snide comments and shades and things when they want to discuss issues in I mean, don't get me wrong issues pertaining them which, if you were in that particular position, wouldn't have been a problem for you.
Speaker 2:But because you're now it makes you so uncomfortable, it makes the discussion awkward even to them, but they have to accommodate you in that aspect and in that regard and you have to sit there and you have to pretend that you are enjoying it. But you know that none of the things that they are saying there pertains to you and have anything to do with you. Now, the teachings that probably concerns you is probably being done in the youth program, but you're not allowed to be part of the youth program because, according to them, you are now a mother, so that no longer resonates with you. But they're teaching the youth the things that needs to be to help them, maybe the teachings that they're teaching them, the things that they need to do and things that need to help them when they get into families, when they start their own families. But you, as a single woman, that is the teaching that you are supposed to be listening to, because you are still looking to start your own families and you are still looking to settle down, or however they want to put it. I don't call it settling down because, as far as I'm concerned, I'm settled. As far as I'm concerned, I'm settled. As far as I'm concerned, I am settled. Settling down. People don't understand that. That is the whole story. But if you're looking for a partnership, for a companionship, to build a life, a different type of life, with someone, that is technically the place that you need to be and the words that you need to be listening to, but instead, instead, you are over there listening to how to make your marriage work, how to how to be a submissive wife or submissive partner, how to deal with a, a partner that is whatever and you haven't even gotten yourself to that point. You see where this is. I'm just even talking just about religion. You see where they have merged you together and they are forcing you to toe that line. Now they can't help you in regards to because their teachings that they teach in that place. They can't come to the married women's seminars or workshops and be teaching them how to get a man, be teaching them how to get into a successful relationship. They are already in a successful relationship, hopefully, so that particular topics are not for you. So this is why I said when you get your mind right, you will be able to school the society, you will be able to educate the religions about where you are, and the most important thing is that you shouldn't never be ashamed to do that.
Speaker 2:A lot of people are riddled with shame that forces you to sit in an environment or organization where you shouldn't be sitting, listening to things that is not meant for you, at least not in that particular time anyway, or you are ashamed to move over to the side that is meant to be beneficial to you, to the life that you want for yourself.
Speaker 2:You are ashamed of what the youth are going to think. You are ashamed of what, but you want what the youth want. That is why you are there. That is why they are being taught what they are being taught. So why can't you be a part of it? So when you start separating these two things, it forces the organization, it forces the society to take a different approach when they want to deal with you, because they they the first day they have to ask, they have to tell themselves and remind themselves that this person knows where they are, they know who they are, they know where they belong, they know the things that they are supposed to be, where, their environment and and and discussions that they are supposed to be having.
Speaker 2:So most of the times, when they want to have certain discussions that doesn't pertain to you, they will not call you. In all honesty, they will not call you and it becomes your prerogative whether you want to attend or not, but they will not see it as mandatory. And when you go over to decide what you need to listen to, what you need to listen to, then we're not judging. Because we get this perspective, we get this thing in our mind that we are being judged, and it stops us in our track from doing the things that we're supposed to do, achieving the things we are supposed to achieve, benefiting the things that we are supposed to benefit, because we are being judged. Now for me, um, I think, I think to myself that whoever is playing judge and jury in my life is only going to execute the outcome on their own. Whatever decision that you have come up with that is pertaining to me will not have any impact on me, because it wouldn't even make it anywhere close to me. So you make that decision.
Speaker 2:People are allowed imaginations. People are allowed to talk. You have to understand that. It's okay, they are judging you. It's okay, they're judging you. It's okay, they're talking about you. It's okay, they're going to talk about somebody else next. So why would you allow that to hinder you to stop you in your tracks from benefiting you to benefit, so take away everything, put them all, set them all out on the table, separate your car, put the things that need to be where they need to be and then put it back out there. And then, when you've done that, make sure that you stop anybody on their track who tries to mesh them together. Educate people on who you are. Listen, there is always a wording that I always like to use. I say if you don't tell the society who you are, they will tell you who you are and they will expect you to act accordingly. You have a voice for a reason. That is why you see people of different genders, people of different sexuality voicing it out, shouting it from the rooftop thank you so much for supporting authentic, thriving podcast.
Speaker 1:I really do appreciate your time. I appreciate you sharing with friends and family, but it's just one thing I would like to ask you have you subscribed yet? Authentic Travelling Podcast cannot be in every episode. If you do not share, I am really really asking you for a favor. So please subscribe, share with people, share your status so that we can bring more interesting topics. And also, is there a topic that you feel like we have not addressed yet? I think a lot of people will benefit. Please share with us.
Speaker 1:We're going to be sharing our email address where you can send your questions those that we can easily just answer as well, and if there is any guests that will be able to also join me in answering these questions, then I'll do well to also serve for them. Thank you so much. If you, if any of the topic that has been discussed in authentic thriving podcast affects you or you feel like you need more, which is wwwasebconsultancycom, okay, I'm going to also write it on the screen so that I just keep flowing and then you can easily see it. So, if any of the topic affected, you just visit www. This is who I am.
Speaker 2:And when it comes to doing anything else, that doesn't concern me, no problem. But when you want to come near close to me, when you want to come, when you want to cross that boundary to get to me, this is what I'm expecting from you. I don't expect anything less. And people will adjust, the world will adjust.
Speaker 1:You know there's this quote I normally say you train people on how to treat you, and that is the truth. Everything that you've just said is first, your mindset. Your mindset, because the battle we fight in this world is cut from the mind. If you can win the battle of the mind, I call myself the inner harmonic queen. You win always. Now, is it a state that you achieve at once? No, it's not. It's a journey. It's a journey that you begin to equip yourself in order for you to remain in that state. There will be things that will come, that will shake the foundation of that inner harmony. You learn and you move. You don't stay there in shame. You don't stay there in regret. You don't stay there in guilt. Exactly those emotions are disempowering those emotions Are. They kill your motivation, they make you lose your identity to them and then you become paranoid. Yes, when you were talking, when you said separates, I love the way you separated them. Before you became a mother, you were a woman. Even after you became a mother, you were a woman. Even after you became a mother, you are still a woman. Put it on one card Now that you are a mother. Put it on one card Now.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about it. What are the expectations of both of them and how are you going to present yourself going forward? You know I've never really thought about the church when I talk about when you say because you're. You know I've never really thought about the church when I talk about, when you say because your mother is single. They were supposed to be in the mother's department, in the women's department. Meanwhile you are not married, fully married yet, so you don't have a partner. So most of the discussion there is not going to be important or relevant to you. So why don't you go to the youth, the young adult side, whereby they can equip you in order for you to build a good life?
Speaker 1:The fact that you have a child doesn't mean it's the end of the world, that you cannot build the family that you want. You may not even want to, you may even want to remain like that, we don't know but that does not mean you will stop existing as a woman going forward. So for those of you that are out there that are in this similar circumstances and you feel ridiculed because of your position, because of your status, wheelchair is giving you permission to learn how to separate, present yourself accordingly and train people on how to treat you. Now, I haven't said that it's not like you're going to be able to change everybody. That's fine.
Speaker 1:One thing I'm building on is learning to focus on my focus. Anything that I cannot, that is outside of my control, is not in my focus. If it bothers me. If it bothers me and I try my best to present my case and it's not being addressed, once I lose my focus that it doesn't bother me again, I remove my focus away from it and I focus on what is within my power, because I want to preserve my energy, I want to preserve my time, and then I'll look at you to the right position, where you're supposed to be.
Speaker 1:If you're in that carcass. You are disturbing my peace in that inner carcass. You relocate back outside the carcass, where you're supposed to be. Then my focus is no longer on you. So that is what Ushe is saying Know who you are. Some people don't even know who they are. They are not wearing this badge on their head.
Speaker 1:Oh, single mother, single mother, single mother, you are a human being. You are a woman nothing. You are a career woman nothing. You're no longer calling all those things. You've just lost all your identity and meshed yourself to something else, which this thing that I said you and I know is not an easy journey. To build this message right, because tell me the internal resources that you've tapped into to overcome all these challenges, to build yourself as this woman. That is because what I see. You are no longer reactive. You are not proactive, because you already present yourself the way you want to be perceived. So you are not ready to start saying, oh, after the fight, before and after, I say this is who I am. No, you are saying before there will be no fight. I'm just telling you this is how I want to be treated. This is why I did you. What resources did you tap into to get into this state?
Speaker 2:one of the main resources that you need to tap into is fear, is your fear. Yeah, people might think that it's not a resource, but it is. Fear holds you back in a lot of ways. Now I was speaking to a friend of mine and the way she's moving at the speed of light and it gives me joy because it took me. It took me a while, you know, to get her to a place, and she always says to me that one of the things that helps her is she never forgets a message that I gave her. One day. I said to her I want you to.
Speaker 2:I don't know whether you want to write it down or imagine it, or however you want to do it, but in the situation that you are, that is holding you back, I want you to imagine the worst that could happen, like the worst of worst that could happen. If you take this step, don't imagine the light one, the lighter one, the medium, the worst. That is the worst of it that happened. When you have imagined it, pull it out of that imagination, put it on the table, tell it, come here, sit down, let's have a conversation. And the worst of worst for her was being, you know, like being probably thrown out of the house. I'd imagine Thrown out of the house, being maybe taking her kids away from her and thrown out of the house. I say, okay, that's the worst that would happen. You lose your kids and lose your home. Is that the worst? Yes, bring that worst, put it on the table, have a conversation with it, because when you do that, you start realizing that that worst doesn't have as much power as you're giving it.
Speaker 2:Now, that is one of the most important tools Fear. Take your fear out, bring it down. I'm not saying overcome your fear, jump your fear. No, I'm saying imagine your fear, the worst that could happen. Bring it out, sit down with it and go through it. I said, okay, let's assume that the worst just happened. What would you do?
Speaker 2:So many people have been crippled by that fear that they can't even see an alternative. They can't even see the next things, they can't even see the next step, they can't even see a solution because they're so focused on their fear without realizing that there is a solution to everything. There could be a solution to everything, but the fear wouldn't allow you to move past that problem, to be able to see or to notice that there is a solution somewhere. So one of the tools to tap into is fear, and then another tool facing your fears, bringing them out. Another thing that is a tool for you to tap into to be able to do this is making peace.
Speaker 2:Make peace with the fear, make peace. Be at peace with yourself. Now I've made peace with myself. Do I want to have a partner? Yes, but what's the worst that can happen? That I will not get all my life? Is that the worst? Yes, I've made peace with it. I've made peace, I've come to terms with it.
Speaker 2:It's like when somebody is on their deathbed. You know, when you have people who are on their final stages, what do they normally say about the final stage? It's about they tell you to make peace with death. Embrace it, don't see it as something so horrifying. It sits by your side, have a glass of wine with you. You have a conversation, have a chat. Does he mean that he's going to come and take you immediately? You know you could live another hundred years, but you've made peace. You've taken away the mask, you've taken away the power. You've given it back to yourself.
Speaker 2:Facing that fear, bringing that fear, making peace with it these are two powerful tools. Be at peace with yourself when you finally separated the card. Be at peace with the outcome. Be at peace with the outcome of this side. Be at peace with the outcome of that side. Be at peace that nobody a lot of people are not going to accept it. Be at peace with the outcome of that side. Be at peace that a lot of people are not going to accept it. Be at peace that a lot of people are going to try to fight it. Be at peace with it. See, when you are at peace, trust me, there is very little thing that can faze you, very little thing that can faze you. And then another two is acting accordingly. When I say acting accordingly, I mean, if you have decided to be this woman, act accordingly. Act as a woman when the need to be a mother arises. Act as a woman. When the need to be a mother arises, act as a mother. Don't merge the two.
Speaker 2:When you start becoming conscious, living in the conscious, becoming conscious of this, there is something that I always say. What was the time I went? I was in the shop and I was with my son and somebody said, made a comment oh, you know everything we do, we do everything for them. They come first. My son was standing right next to me. I said, hey, point of correction, I come first and my son comes second. And he turned around and looked at my son and said yes, it's true, he knows that I come first and then he comes second and then everybody else joins.
Speaker 2:Because this is how you lose yourself. You put your kids, you put that, you put that anything that comes first comes after you, because after first, before first, there is nothing. There is nothing before first. So once you've counted this thing first, you've counted yourself out. Once you've counted something first, you've already counted yourself out. You are not meant to be second or third or fourth, not to your own self anyway. So once you can't count yourself second, you can't count yourself third, you can't. You've automatically eliminated yourself from the equation.
Speaker 2:Just because I can't, I say my son comes second, does that mean I care less about it? Does that mean that I don't work? Everything that I'm working for is not for him? Does that mean that I'm not going to look after him, I'm not going to protect him, I'm not going to do my motherly duties and job? No, but whenever I say I come first, is a reminder is set. Something up in my mind is a reminder to myself. He's a reminder to the woman in me. He's a constant reminder. So don't ever feel like putting yourself first. Don't ever feel like making the woman first, because, like I said, the woman comes before the man. Don't ever feel like keeping that woman as the number one is a bad thing. Don't ever feel guilty of doing it, don't ever feel ashamed of doing it, because that woman is who is sustaining the mother, that is carrying the family. It's that woman in the mother that is carrying the family. Is that woman? So the moment you eliminate her, there's nothing left.
Speaker 1:The world will not see her.
Speaker 2:The society will not see her anymore. She will be the inner voice, battling, shouting, screaming in silence to be heard, but nobody's going to hear. Why would anybody hear her? You've already eliminated her. Why? Why would anybody hear her? Nobody is going to hear her. Nobody is going to see her because you've taken her out of the equation. So never be afraid, never be ashamed, never feel guilty of keeping that woman wherever she is. Never be ashamed, never feel guilty of keeping that woman Wherever she is. Go back wherever and find her, bring her back and put her back in her position. Give her back her throne, give her back her crown and let the society let the rest of the world adjust. Even your children will adjust. Rest of the world adjust. Even your children will adjust. Your husband will adjust. The society, your workplace, everybody will adjust. So these are some of the tools that I can come up with at the moment off the top of my head.
Speaker 1:You see, that's the drop mic moment. You said bring her back, bring the woman in you back, bring your identity back. We're shouting from oh bring. If we always have different hashtags for different movements, now we are starting a new movement Bring Back the Woman Back, bring you back, because if you don't, you will regret it.
Speaker 1:If you don't, you are going to be bitter slowly. If you don't, you become envious and jealous. If you don't, those same children that you are putting in front become before you. When they start progressing, when they start flying away and building their own nest. You will expect so much of them. You will hold them back. Whoever come into their life, you will want to remind them I did this for them, I did that for them. Why can't you allow them to do this? You will blame every other person in their life, them because you feel you have been replaced, because you feel your life has been on hold and you have given everything. It is their turn to not serve you back. And if they refuse to buy into your agenda, you will start falling out with your children and you'll be wondering and these are the statements that will come out After everything I've done, after all the sacrifice that I've sacrificed for you.
Speaker 1:You are not abandoning me in this old age and see, mama, nobody's abandoning you. You abandon yourself. First. Give to yourself what you expect other people to give you. Period. If I cannot afford a Louis Vuitton bag, I will not expect my husband or my friends to buy me a Louis Vuitton bag for my birthday, because if they don't, I will not get angry, because first I can't even afford it. Exactly. So why then am I going to be upset if I cannot go to a restaurant and pay 30 amounts? If my friends and my spouse refuse to take me to that restaurant, I cannot be upset with them. If I cannot book a holiday for myself in certain places and my spouse or my friends cannot buy into that holiday, I cannot be upset with them. You see, if you have refused to put yourself first, don't be angry if nobody decides to prioritize you, because you've taught your children that you belong to the back end, so when they start flying away, they're also going to be putting you in the back end.
Speaker 1:Now I'm just going to quickly share a story, because usha might be saying this. People might be like ah, this is just our own experience. Our map of the world is not my map of the world. Let me tell you a story. There's's a woman. She had three boys. Whenever she's cooking in the house, she'll give her the food and she will eat the bottom part, as in what is left. Oh, boys eat a lot, men eat a lot. Feed our husband and three boys and she will eat the bone part and everything. That's what she will eat. They will go out, they will buy food and everything. Oh, mom, do you want to drink with your food? So I don't worry, it's okay, people can have it.
Speaker 1:So the children were washing, the husband is washing and everything. She trained them that she is second best, that she, she doesn't mind the latter end of the things. And when these children grew up, they will go and do their own thing. They don't really come back. When it's her birthday, they don't really celebrate her, they don't even send anything.
Speaker 1:And she started crying to her husband, like what is going on? She sacrificed everything. And when her husband called the children, do you know what they said? Oh, we told mom, mom doesn't mind. We told mom doesn't mind about those things. We thought she's not really bothered. We thought she's not really a bread depressive. Okay, what about mother's day, but I will say flower, we told mom doesn't like flower, you never bought a flower. She never complained, sat them down I was one invited them over and this is when she told them that everything that I did, that I said I did not mind. I mind, I only did it because I wanted to sacrifice. We didn't have much them raising you up, so I had to be the sacrificial lamb. They said we didn't know, we thought you were not just a forced person. We thought you, you didn't really, you're not really bothered about those things. And she cried. She said I do mind, I don't like to be treated like a queen, I don't like to be celebrated, I don't like the good things of life. But, mama, we never saw you give those things to yourself. So we did not know. And that was how things begin to change for her.
Speaker 1:This story. Now we are not saying do not look after your children, because there are also stories of people that will always tell their children oh, I don't have time, I don't have time, I don't have time. And when they got older, the children put them in a care home. And when they call them the carers, your mom is ill. You say oh, I'm really busy, that we are not saying that. If you listen properly, who she said? Everything she's still doing is because of her son.
Speaker 1:However, she is the one driving a red car. In coaching, there's something that we call the red car. Whoever hold the steering of your red car is the one that is controlling your life. So what she is saying is that she is the one that is driving a red car. It doesn't mean a child cannot be on the front seat of the car. It doesn't mean they cannot be occupants of the vehicle that she's driving, of her life. So let's set this thing very, very separate, because this is where the enmeshment come in. And then people start getting upset. People start holding their children into unnecessary accountability that those children don't even know the side effect Exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly.