Authentic Thriving Podcast
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Authentic Thriving Podcast
Beneath the facade: Exploring the mind of a single independent Woman - Part 2
What does it truly mean to thrive as a single, independent woman in today's world? Our compelling conversation with Uche delves into the profound journey of single motherhood, exploring the space between societal expectations and authentic living.
"Motherhood is a role. Woman is who I am." This powerful distinction forms the foundation of our discussion as we unpack how women can honour both their individuality and their parenting responsibilities. For too many single mothers, these identities become blurred, leading to confusion, guilt, and parenting challenges that stem from not knowing which "hat" to wear in different situations.
We explore the courage required to face your fears directly as a single parent. Rather than allowing societal judgments or personal insecurities to dictate your life, our guest shares how confronting these anxieties head-on creates space for authentic growth. Through practical examples and moving personal stories, she demonstrates how separating false narratives from your true self enables confident forward movement.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as we discuss the danger of "losing yourself on half a sentence" allowing others' incomplete perspectives to define your worth. Our guest reveals how many criticism-laden statements directed at single mothers are actually empowering when heard in their entirety, encouraging listeners to seek the complete truth rather than accepting limiting narratives.
Perhaps most valuable is our discussion of practical parenting approaches that balance traditional discipline with modern dialogue. The evidence speaks for itself, children raised with clear boundaries and open communication develop exceptional emotional intelligence and respect for others. You'll hear concrete examples of how this balance creates secure, thoughtful young people despite the absence of a second parent.
If you're navigating single parenthood, struggling with identity beyond your roles, or simply seeking authentic connection, this episode offers wisdom that will transform your perspective. Remember: "Rome wasn't built in a day, but if there was never a day, Rome would never be built."
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Hello and welcome to Authentic Driving Podcast with me, abiyasonia Ebenezer Bamigbayon. I am in the business of transforming life positively through counselling, life coaching and speaking. I also express myself through writing as well. Have you read my book Inner Harmony Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnouts? This book is available on Amazon and I'm sure it will transform your life. Welcome once again for joining me on Authentic Thriving Podcast. This is a safe space for soul, for truth, where we talk about our mental health, emotional well-being and everything that will help us to thrive authentically in a very holistic way. Welcome back to this new episode. Welcome back to the part two of this very interesting topic called beneath the facade exploring the mind of a single, independent woman. It has been explosive. I can't wait for you to listen to the part two of this very interesting podcast.
Speaker 1:This is why some people they I cannot marry someone that is a single mother because their mother's expectation is too much, or they will pray for the woman to die before they even get married, because they know that those people, they will hold you. I did this for my son. My son will save me. Yes, yes, thank you so much. You said something about act accordingly. You said something about facing your fear. I love when you use that word because I was like, yeah, this is good, because our emotions are neither bad or good. Our emotions are just emotion Depends, right, that's right. That's right Because anger some people might say anger is destructive. Not always Anger can make you productive, exactly If someone call you and say, ah, just get away, you will never make it in life. I've seen people that have been so angered by that word. They focus on their life and they made something really fantastic in their life. And then they look back and they made something really fantastic in their life. And then they look back and they said is what that person said to me that gave me that motivation, that anger, that hunger to ensure that that word fails and I become the success. So when you said fear, you said sit down with your fear, sit down with it, bring it down and say, okay, fine, I'm a single mother, this has happened. Okay, fine, we are here.
Speaker 1:Now what am I going to do? Society will mock me. My friends will not allow me to come to their house because they may be afraid that their husband might see them, might see me just like them. There might be a stereotype that in certain, in certain places I will not be invited to, I might be labored longer, I might be seen as a promiscuous woman, so that is the worst that could happen. So what else can I do now? You need to ask yourself those questions Are you promiscuous? No. Are you going to mislead your friend because you are no longer married? No. So you need to know yourself, define it.
Speaker 1:I need to ask the truth that all of those things you've challenged those thoughts and you know it's not a reflection of you. Then you have to move and do and live your life accordingly. That's what you're saying, isn't it exactly, hi, exactly. I just pray that this get to the right ears, because there are people that are just surviving right now just because they are single mothers. They are frustrated, they are stressed out Because of different paranoid thoughts. That is with them. They are ruminating on negative thoughts. They are just held hostage. They can't really do much Because of that limitation they've hold on to.
Speaker 1:But people that are out there right now, right, that has not experienced personal growth as a result of being a single mother, which I know you do a lot, right, I know you're working. I know you look after your son, your adulting mother, seeing you celebrate your son on on your status, and I know you're still living your life to the fullest. What word do you have for people out there that feel stagnant, that feel like they are not moving anymore. Their world has stopped. They are just surviving. They are not thriving. What word do you have for them?
Speaker 2:The word I have for them is I want you to remember that Rome was not built in a day. It's only half a sentence, a lot of sentences that makes us up or breaks us. It's always half a sentence and a complete sentence is put out there to motivate you, to empower you, to inspire you. But sometimes our minds wander to the point where we pick and choose or we tend to cut the sentence into half in order to put us in a state where we stay in one place. Now that saying that goes jack of all trades.
Speaker 2:A lot of people could throw a shade at you by saying ah, sonia is jack of all trades.
Speaker 2:Now, because it's a half sentence, you might find it offensive In their mind. They have said something to you, they have probably made a caricature of you or what you do In their mind Because they only used half the sentence. Now, if you, sonia, knows the full sentence, that particular adage that has been thrown at you will not affect you. In fact, it will make you feel good about yourself when somebody is trying to make you feel bad about yourself, because the adage says Jack of all trades, master of none, but always better than master of one. Now, if somebody throws a shade at you with half a sentence, give yourself a pat on the back with the remaining half and that person will never know it. A word of advice always go with the full sentence. Don't ever allow anybody to judge you, to question you, to diminish you, to talk down on you with half the sentence. Tell them to come back with a complete sentence and they will not talk. Believe me, they will not come back if.
Speaker 2:Believe me, they will not come back. If they go and research and educate themselves on the full sentence, they will not come back. Now the word that I have there Rome was not built in a day, but if there was never a day, rome would never be built. Rome was not built in a day, but if there was never a day, rome would never be built. So I never. I didn't get to where I am on a whim. I had my trials, my tribulations. I had my mistakes, my miscalculations, my misjudgments, but rather than judging myself, wallowing and feeling guilty about it, I use them as a tool, as a guide, as an inspiration to create a better tomorrow, so that I can talk about my past with confidence, knowing that my present is better than my past, with confidence, knowing that my present is better than my past and that my future will even be the best. When you have a brighter present and an even brightest future, you will not be ashamed to talk about in the past you only. You are only ashamed of talking about in that past. If your present is still in the past. You are only ashamed of talking about it that past If your present is still reflecting the past you see people every day talk about how they used to be addicted, how they used to be an addict, how they used to be a robbery, how they used to be a prostitute, because it is a past that no longer reflects them. So walk towards making the present better, so that the past cannot control you. Live in the conscious. Stop being a robot. Remove yourself once in a while from autopilot, take in the scenery, pause, listen to your mind, listen to yourself, and if yourself is not saying anything, maybe you are silencing that voice, because that voice is always there. Be silent long enough for yourself to speak to you, for your mind to speak with you. Have a conversation of your own. Ask yourself some questions, listen to the kind of answers that you come up with, start changing the narrative, start changing the perspectives, start looking at the world in a different light, start accepting them, separating them, categorizing them, and then watch the outputs change, watch the outcome change, watch how what you respond to change, watch how you respond to change, and these will lead you towards a much better present that will begin to overshadow your past, because light is not an absence of darkness, it is an spite of darkness. Is an spite of darkness that room that you are sitting now. There is darkness in it. Of course there is darkness in it. Just because light came does not mean that the darkness went. If you want to find the darkness, switch off the light. The darkness will come back. So it is always there. It is always there.
Speaker 2:So don't allow your situations, your past or your environment, your present condition, don't let it define you to the point where you are still living in it. Make a turning point, one day at a time. Pick one battle, like you say, focus on a time. Pick one battle, like you say, focus on your focus. Pick one battle, focus on it. When you've dealt with it, pick another one. It will make you so focused on yourself that you won't even have time to notice what somebody else is doing. Every day becomes a new day. Every day becomes a new opportunity. You feel so happy to wake up in the morning because there is something new to try, because there is something new to experience. It helps you to move forward, one day at a time, until you look backwards and you see that where you're coming from is so far, where you have been is so far, and you see that where you're going to becomes a possibility. So that is what what I want to lay paper with today.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. There's this question that is burning. There's. There are so many. I'm gonna have to listen to this again. So much there's this question that is burning. There's. There are so many. I'm gonna have to listen to this again and get so many words out which I'm just gonna turn into quotes. There are so many because I just feel, listening to it and just align those words not to sit with you. There are so many words even after listening to it. Just meditate on those words that she said today and you begin to see yourself that, okay, if I can see, see it, I can become it, I can achieve it.
Speaker 1:There's one question, a quick one, and that quick question is a lot of single parents believe that parenting their children is really, really hard, especially the male child, and there's a belief out there that people that come from a single parent, their children, are not always very well disciplined. I know that is not true because I had classmates that they were from single parent. They were so disciplined and when I cast my mind back now and compare their life now, they are excelling. I kid you not, we have some that raise, extinguish men and women in the society and you will not even know that it was just their mother that was present most of the time. So I've seen it, but I would like to hear from you, because I believe that experience is the best teacher. How do you navigate parenting alone and being able to mold your child in a way that they are still very, very responsible, even though you are the authority figure in their life and there is no male figure around? How do you manage that?
Speaker 2:well, first of all, by the special grace of god, I won't say that it's in my power and then second. Second of all, it revolves around the topic that we just discussed. Motherhood is a role. Woman is who I am. So when I step into the role of a mother, I become a mother. I become whatever a mother needs to be to get their child where they need to be.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for supporting Authentic Thriving Podcast. I really do appreciate your time. I appreciate you sharing with friends and family, but there's just one thing I would like to ask you have you subscribed yet? Authentic Travelling Podcasts cannot be in every household. If you do not share, I am really really asking you for a favor. So please subscribe, share with people, share your status so that we can bring more interesting topics. And also, is there a topic that you feel like we have not addressed yet? I think a lot of people will benefit. Please share with us. We're going to be sharing our email address where you can send your questions to us that we can easily just answer as well, and if there is any guests that will be able to also join me in answering these questions, then I'll do well to also sort for them. Thank you so much. If any of the topic affected, you just visit wwwasebconsultancycom. Take care now and we're just going to join back on the podcast. Thank you so much for joining us because I'm not meshing these two things.
Speaker 2:They're not getting tired. They are not getting tired. I'm not mixing and matching the two of them. There are some times where you need to be a mother. If I decide being a woman, in a case where you needed to be a mother, you need to be a parent. Now maybe, let's say, your kid is doing, was naughty or something, and you have a single friend who doesn't know what parents do this, you find yourself giving them the same treatment that your single friend will give, not realizing that you need. This is the point where I need to step into my motherhood role. But because the woman in you is so tired and screaming and nobody's hearing, you've merged the two of them together. So sometimes the woman in you is playing the role of motherhood that she has no business playing. A lot of women, a lot of parents, don't even realize that the woman in them is playing the role of a mother that they have no business playing. Do you want me to emphasize on this? When you see a parent who hands over an iPad to a kid just to shut the kid up, that is the woman in you. That is the woman in you. When you see, need the break. That is a woman in you. When you see a woman who is like, not disciplining a kid in a way that he should, that is a woman in you. That is not a motherhood.
Speaker 2:Some people think that you know, oh, we love. You, love your kids so much you'll do anything for them. You can't do anything for your kids. But that's when you merge your woman and the mother together. The woman is spoiling the kid without even realising it. The woman will spoil. The woman is spoiling the kid without even realizing it. The woman will spoil. The woman is who spares the rod. You say, oh, it's the mother who they stay. If I love you so much that I don't want you to turn out bad, that love is going to encompass me when I step into that role. Why is it that we lean towards the father to take up major responsibilities? It's because we are hoping that the father is going to step into the role of fatherhood. Right, there are some behaviors or things that a man will be doing. You go and you're like, oh, you know this, that, that You're supposed to do this. You're the man of the house. You're not asking him to come up with his natural behavior, you're asking him to step into a role. That is a role Just like motherhood is a role, just like motherhood is a role there was.
Speaker 2:I will give you this short story. There was a time I had a friend of mine. I remember there was one time a friend of mine said to me he said to me that my son is scared of me. I'm like what he looks like he's scared of me. I'm like what, yeah, isaiah, he looks like he's scared of you. Is that supposed to make me feel bad? You are damn right, he should be. I would be worried if he's not, because that's the highway to hell, isaiah. I would be more than worried if he's not.
Speaker 2:So now this same woman, months or years down the line, is calling me to help him come and talk to his son, who's gone out of line, who is now beating her up, who is now behaving in a way menacing, terrifying the entire household, who is now being sent home from school on a daily basis. I said are you calling me to come and put the same terror in his mind, or I don't understand why you are calling me. Believe that I have the capacity to terrorize my own? Why are you calling me? Because she has finally got believe that I have the capacity to terrorize my own people. Why are you calling me? Because she has finally got a step out of the woman who accepted her motherhood and realized that the things that she should do that she wasn't doing. And it's only then that he occurred to her.
Speaker 2:I said that was because I removed, I separated these two and I knew when. Was it fine? No, did I enjoy it? No, but did I do it anyway? Yes, did I make I? I make sure that I have a dialogue with my kid. I make sure that there is a safe space. He knows that there is a safe space where he can talk about anything and he does. But he also understands that the terrifying part of me comes out when it needs to come out. Like I said, don't be ashamed of guilt. I'm not ashamed of the terrifying part of me because it's needed as much as the cuddling and caring and comforting part of me. It's needed. I can't be ashamed of it. I can't be ashamed of it. I can't be ashamed of who I am in that particular moment, because it's needed.
Speaker 1:Somebody will have to strike the road at some point so, oishe, what you are saying is, despite the fact that you know that you have to correct your child when it is necessary, you still connect with him for him. You have to correct your child when it is necessary. You still connect with him for him to find you comfortable enough to be able to still share things with you.
Speaker 2:Exactly, he has to also separate the two. Yes, he has to also understand.
Speaker 1:Connecting to correct he understands.
Speaker 2:He understands when the terrifying part of me comes out. He knows when that happens and he knows exactly why that that part of me comes out because of the dialogue you've had with him.
Speaker 2:So he knows whenever that part of me comes out, he knows where that part of me is coming out from. He knows that, that that is not the whole me, that is not who the mother is. He knows that that is not who the mother is. So he knows actions and consequences. So if you are a nice kid and I go out and I buy you a load of Christmas cake, what do you think is going to happen when you are a not kid? Am I going to pat you on the back as well? That side, there is that part that he has to come out. I don't need to justify it to anybody. I said because this lady that has managed to talk her way into feeling like the only side of you that needs to come out is the cuddly side and motherly side. I said, good, is that how you want to parent? Parenting has no problem. But what is happening now? She's seeing the consequences of that, Of not being able to bring out, to step into the role that needed to, that she needs to step into.
Speaker 2:When I'm sitting down in my room watching a telly or something, or if my son knocks on the door and wants to ask me something, I pick up the phone. I said to him one second, I pick up the remote, I pause whatever I was watching. He stays on pause until we finish whatever discussion we are having. And then he goes out and he's exactly the same way. If I come down to, if I go down to him now, wherever he's always doing, and I I come down to, if I go down to him now, whatever he's always doing, and I open my mouth before I even say, hey, he's paused. Whatever he's doing, he stays on pause and we'll have a conversation and when I've left he will go back to whatever he's doing.
Speaker 1:Okay, there's something you you might call it terrifying, your friend might call it terrifying, your your friend might call it terrifying. I don't see it as terrifying. What I see you've done to your son there or for your son there is modeling. You know, I always believe respect comes down, respect goes up. Respect should be able to be fluid. It should not just go on one side. I love the example that you gave.
Speaker 1:When he comes in and he knock, you don't tell him to come in, because you respect your son and what he has to tell you. You pause and give him that full, undivided attention. And because he has seen you do it, when you go to one or one is attention he post and give you undivided attention, which you don't know what you've done here. But then you're so married. He has married a full, respectful man that respect a woman, that respect men. Just, it's not gender based, he's just a respectful person.
Speaker 1:So stop, yeah, so what I see you have done there, you have modeled it and you've also it seems like you guys have had a conversation of boundaries because he said if you go and give him consequences, he knows exactly why he's getting those consequences, just like when he get, he knows why he's getting reward. I don't see that as terrifying. I see that as a clear communication between you and your son, and you being able to remove one act and say the woman would stay there. I need a motherhood to be able to raise a healthy man for the society and for the community.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:I think this is where people are missing. It isn't it not being able to separate it?
Speaker 2:yes. So sometimes we find ourselves throwing what the woman in us would do and then when the mother clicks in, you realise, oh shit, why did I even do this? Why did I do that? But it's too late then. You know, and a lot of us are also kind of like we are trying to raise modern because we think ancient is not good enough. But there is nothing wrong with ancient and modern.
Speaker 2:The dialogue that I'm having with my son, I never got it from parents. They discipline you full stop. Sometimes you don't even know why you are getting it. They're flogging you left, right and center. Sometimes you have no idea what's going on. You know, and sometimes even them don't even know what they are. You don't get so many dialogues Because they have been raised.
Speaker 2:I don't blame them because they have been raised in that manner. Now we are opportune to be the last generation that met the new with the old. There is something about the old that you can take and also there is something about the new that you can take, but you need to know when it's needed to be able to bring it in, just like separating the woman in you and the motherhood in you. I discipline my child as the old, but I also make sure that I open a room for dialogue as the new, so that he will always, wherever he is, he will always understand and know that there is consequences. Yes, but there is also room for discussion, there is also room for agreement and disagreement. And it helps him to expand his thoughts, it helps him to mold his mind, it helps him in his his thoughts, he helps him to mold his mind, he helps in his thinking capacity, he helps him in judgment within the house and outside of it.
Speaker 2:When I did the parents meeting with the teachers at the last teacher I said to them did you guys assemble in one room and say, okay, this is what we are going to tell Alex's mom about him, because it feels like every single one that I've spoken with is saying exactly the same thing. Why? I said you understand, and it's not just with him, he's also with even the church, like today in the church, he surprised me. He got a certificate from going from the children's ministry department. He's moving on to the youth department now. So when they gave him the certificate and asked him to say a word, he said something that was very emotional and very surprising, because he said to my friend. He said you know this might come as a surprise, but he wants to thank my friend, his auntie, who brought him there, who brought us to the church, because for a while we were not going to any church after the lockdown and it was her that brought us. So if it wasn't for her we wouldn't be there. Even the pastor was a bit shocked because he was like we've been in this church for over two years and this has stuck in his mind all this time. So that means that if there was anybody that has been horrible to my mother or anything, that he would still be implanted there.
Speaker 2:And that wasn't the first time that he had done it. I remember when he was it wasn't even because he's grown up, it was when he was really, really young, I think he broke a glass or a table, I can't remember something. And then, after all that, he was settled and everything. I think it was three months down the line or six months down the line. One day we came up and out of nowhere he said he apologized. And it was the same auntie of ours. He said I still want to apologize. He was like what glass? He said that glass that he brought six months ago that everybody has already forgotten. He's still going around.
Speaker 2:You see the thinking process of children that you believe or you think that they are not seeing and noticing. So for me, I believe that if I disappear without dialogue, I'm opening up a space for thoughts that is not going to be beneficial to both of us, because a child can easily now sit there and be asking themselves what did I do, why did I, what did? And if you are not getting any response or any sort of conversations or any sort of dialogue as to their minds start failing, their minds start getting filled up with different, different things, and that is how you grew teenagers who start acting out based on their own conclusions and their own thoughts and their own reasoning, because you did not create room for any wow, okay, we are going to come back.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm going to come back I'm going to knock on your door again.
Speaker 1:I was saying this is going to be for 30 minutes'm going to knock on your door again. I was saying this is going to be for 30 minutes. What if I tell you we've done more than way more than 30 minutes? I'm going to have to cut this into two parts so that people can really digest it, because you really, really, you know, blessed us today. This is a master session and I really want to thank you. I really want to thank you. I really want to thank you for every single woman, even those that are even married.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying women in general, even humans in general, that will listen to this. They will learn how to wear different clothes. They will learn how to be themselves without losing themselves in different expressions of themselves. Because we have so many different expressions, you can't say, because you're a doctor, when you get home you'll be looking for injuries to treat around your house. You are still going to step in and become a father, a mother, a human being that you are, and leave that role until you get to work.
Speaker 1:So Usha is just saying please, let's remember we have we are human beings that have capacity to express ourselves in different expressions. Let's not get lost in one and let's not get them emerged, because when they are emerged, it is not always good, because you just lose sense of yourself and it can lead to frustration and unnecessarily stress that you can easily avoid. I just want to thank you, uchi. Thank you so much for sharing from your wealth of wisdom, for spending your time with with me today and for blessing us with a lot of nuggets which I'm going to just take my time in unraveling as we go along, as we come to a wrap of this, do you have any final word you want to say?
Speaker 2:and um, so we can call it to a close um, the final word that I will have to say is what I've said before never lose yourself on a half sentence. That is my final word. Never lose yourself on a half sentence. I love that, yes.
Speaker 1:Remember the full sentence. You are the one that only knows the person can complete it. Yes.
Speaker 2:People are always keen on telling you half a story, a word, half a sentence, and people easily lose themselves yeah, if people are not willing to give you the full story, you know people are not willing to give you the full sentence. Why lose yourself over it, wow?
Speaker 1:Fantastic. Wow, my mind is unraveling that particular sentence. Yeah, it's unraveling.
Speaker 2:So from now onwards, whenever you're here on that day, make sure that it's a full one.
Speaker 1:Just in case.
Speaker 2:If I end up not being full, the person might just have given you half of the story. Thank you so much and then you can see whether it's a curse or a blessing. Half of it could be a curse, but put together could be a blessing. So whatever somebody tries to curse you with half a sentence, go back and read the full one, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. Thank you, uche, for keeping it authentically positive today, for being your authentic self, for showing up as your unapologetic, authentic self today. I really appreciate this. And for those of you that are wondering, what have I been listening to?
Speaker 1:This is Authentic Thriving Podcast, where we talk about our mental health, our emotional well-being, our spiritual well-being In short, every well-being that you can talk about, whether it be financially. We deal with things in a holistic way because we realize that humans we are a trepidated human being. So if you want to flourish in every seasons of your life, you need to take holistic view of your life so that you'll be able to address different part, because if you don't, when one part is suffering, look as if everything is coming to a shutdown, but it's not. So you just have to take that view whereby you address the segment and then you move on and just um, live a awesome life. I remain your host, abia sonia, until I call me away again. Keep thriving, keep flourishing and just keep being authentic. Bye, for now I'm going to start. Where is it now I'm looking for?