Authentic Thriving Podcast
Welcome to Thriving mindset podcast. On this platform I will be talking on mental health, emotional wellbeing, sprituality, business, career, purpose . This will help you transform your mind as a person, help you live a purposeful life with clarity through holistic intentional lifestyle.Your feedback comments and share will be highly appreciated. Thank you and look forward to serving you value and authenticity.
Authentic Thriving Podcast
Men Ought to Cry
When was the last time you saw a man cry openly? The phrase "men don't cry" has been ingrained in our collective consciousness for generations, but at what cost? In this powerful Father's Day conversation, I sit down with Don Kester OSHIOREAME, a respected creative professional and relationship mentor, to unpack the devastating impact of this harmful stereotype.
"Crying is not a gender-assigned emotion," Don Kester states emphatically. "It's a human right." This simple yet profound declaration challenges centuries of conditioning that has taught men to suppress their tears and, by extension, their emotional lives. But as we discover throughout our discussion, these suppressed emotions don't simply vanish—they transform and resurface in destructive ways, from alcoholism and substance abuse to relationship problems and even violence.
We explore the painful reality of men's grief, particularly in situations like miscarriage where all attention focuses on the woman while men are expected to remain strong and supportive despite their own heartbreak. Don Kester shares practical strategies for dismantling this stigma, beginning with conscious parenting that models healthy emotional expression for boys. Through personal examples of how he teaches emotional intelligence to his teenage son, he demonstrates how we can raise a new generation of men who aren't afraid to acknowledge and express their feelings.
The conversation weaves through the spiritual dimension of men's lives, the challenge of forming meaningful adult friendships, and powerful advice for men currently struggling with their mental health. Don Kester's "LIP" framework—maintaining Life, Integrity, and Peace—offers a beacon of hope for men facing seemingly insurmountable challenges.
Whether you're a man struggling to express emotion, someone who loves a man who can't cry, or a parent raising boys, this conversation will transform how you think about masculinity and emotional expression. Share this episode with the men in your life—it might just be the permission they've been waiting for to acknowledge their full humanity, tears and all.
Don Kester Oshioreame books:
I am not disadvantaged
https://www.amazon.com/Am-Not-Disadvantaged-Don-Kester/dp/1514463555
No excuse
https://a.co/d/4Ey7TCy
Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/abiessonia
Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm8aAtpN2BN/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Hello and welcome to Ascensive Traffic Podcast. I am your host, abelsenia Eben-Izabani-Darren. I am an investor in positive transformation through counselling, light coaching, speaking and also on my website, wwwasebconsultancycom. On this podcast, we talk about our mental health, emotional well-being and also our holistic well-being in order for us to thrive authentically. This is a safe space for you to speak about soulful truth and talk about the things that will help you to come back to yourself and regain your self-awareness. Welcome to the Authentic Podcast once again.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, abiyaz. Thank you for that question, thank you for your podcast. Thank you for your podcast. Thank you for all you do for humanity. However, I need to say very quickly that this is a very important subject that you have raised and we are going to try to tackle this afternoon or today, and today happens to be Father's Day, so we're talking about men. It's a man's thing, it's a man's world, as it were, today, right now. So men don't cry. It's been there for ages. I grew up to hear that and all that. So, but let's interrogate it a bit. So if I was going to rephrase this, if it was my show, I would say or if I was doing a mini book, which I may still do I would say men ought to cry. Yes, men ought to cry.
Speaker 1:Who is looking after the men? The man is supposed to be the one to ensure that that woman is okay. When people come around, when they send flowers, they will send flowers to her. Nobody, even his own men from the research. They are out there. I'll probably put the link under this thing Even men, they will come Within men. They can't even speak about it. They say about other things but they will not say how are you doing? Because the baby that was lost was from both of them, not just one person. But they focus on the woman. Everybody does, and the woman as well.
Speaker 1:I did it. I'm so guilty of it. I expected my husband like, ah, you're supposed to be here, supposed to be there. And then, after doing that research, I did apologize to him that I didn't know men, you know, I thought we are the carriers, so everything is on us. But it was his own child as well. He lost a child as well, but he bottled everything and he has to be fine for me, so that I don't break down. But what about him? And in that research, sir, a lot of them said they took to alcohol. Yeah, a lot of them said they took to add drugs that's right suppress that emotion.
Speaker 1:A lot of them said it took to just patting like a dog just going around looking for things happy yes, yes you know, around and coming home not being able to express it with the person that they love is hard.
Speaker 1:Other men will not explain because what they do they'll see them as being weak, so it's just like they're in their own world. That's right. So it really broke my heart. How do we begin to break this stigma, stigma, dismantle this thing so that it do not affect our men anymore, because some of them, even when you tell them to cry, it's like what is the meaning of that? What am I crying for? So what do we do? How do we break this stigma, sir? How do we begin to dismantle it?
Speaker 1:Hello, and today we are going to be speaking to a very, very important guest. Like I always say, all my guests are very, very important, and I am just going to quickly read his bio. I'll try and shorten it as much as I can. I am going to be interviewing Miss Donkesta Oshoriuma, also known as Donkesta. He's a multifaceted Nigerian creative professional renowned for his contribution to theatre, literature and relationship mentorship. Also, his career span from a diverse industry acting, script writing, publishing and public speaking. Again prominence as a cast or as a cast member in Eminent Comedy series Do Good, and later featured in Life 101 series, showcasing his versatility beyond comedy as an actor.
Speaker 1:Don Kester has penned several books, including Talk to Yourself I'm Not Disadvantaged and I Still have a Future among others, and I still have a future among others. His work often explores themes of personal growth, resilience, empowerment, challenging readers to overcome limitations and embrace their potential. In addition to his creative endeavors, he's the president of Timfa Alumni International and is a president in different organizations and associations. He's dedicated to promoting sustainable marriage and strengthening families worldwide. His leadership skills reflect his commitment to fostering healthy relationships and supporting community. He is happily married and blessed with four children and counties. Is it okay for me to say that, sir, that's right, that's right. Thank you very much, sir, for joining me on Authentic Thriving Podcast today. I am so looking forward to this interesting conversation, thank you. Thank you very much, sir.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thanks for having me, Abiy. It's always a pleasure to be here. That's right thank you so.
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna dive right, dive round in. Um, we are still in the month of June where I thought it wise to celebrate men, because I've spoken to men in my life and they're like every time international, women, mother's day in different, different time. You guys are only celebrating yourself, you don't celebrate us enough. And I thought, oh, they have a point there. So this month I've dedicated to everything men, men, mental health, you know, pampering men and all of this stuff. So I'm just going to start with this question.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to start with this question. There's this key question that has been on my mind and, as my profession also exposed me to counseling men, I've seen a lot of men being very, very stoic. I saw my dad was very, very stoic as well. I never saw my dad cry until he lost his dad when his dad died. That was the first time I saw my dad cry and to all of us it shook us that whoa, this is serious, our dad is crying.
Speaker 1:I never saw men cry around me. I saw boys, babies, cry, but once they become men, it was something almost as if it was a taboo to cry. However, in recent times, I've counseled men and I saw strengths in their vulnerability and something hits me Is it possible that men became vulnerable to things, challenges and mental health, because they do not often exploit their vulnerability? And what is it about men not crying? I just thought I would start with that, because it's one of the core thing that I don't wonder why do they not cry? Why do they find it like man up, man up? So, sir, if you don't mind, if you want to speak to that, what is that really all about? About men not crying about men being stoic. It's almost as if, if you do, you're weak. However, I've seen men cry and from that their strength came out.
Speaker 2:Okay, thank you so much, abiyaz. Thank you for that question, thank you for your podcast, thank you for all you do for humanity, Thank you. However, I need to say very quickly that this is a very important subject that you have raised and we are, we are going to try to tackle this afternoon. Today, uh and today happens to be father's day, so we're talking about men is a man's thing, it's a man's world, as it were, today, right now, uh, so, uh, men don't cry. It's been there, for I grew up to hear that and all that. So, but let's interrogate it a bit. So, if I was going to rephrase this, if it was my show, I would say or if I was doing a mini book, which I may still do, I would say men ought to cry. Yes, men ought to cry. So, yes, let me open with this, yes, men ought to cry.
Speaker 2:So, abiyaz, let me open with this, since you talked to me about this, I've been thinking along the lines and I want to say very clearly to the audience, to those who have yet encountered this podcast, that crime is not a gender assigned emotion. Crying is not a gender assigned emotion Because you see, that's what it seems like right now it's women who are permitted to cry, and that's not true. So that has put a seal on the lives of certain men. So we need to address that. Is crying a gender assigned emotion? And I like to answer by saying it is not.
Speaker 2:See, that term men don't cry is a misnomer and it dates back to the 17th, 18th century, even the 19th century in the Industrial Revolution. So men were seen as things. Men were looked at as mechanized human beings. But, like I said, crying is an emotion, just like pain. The same way we feel pain is the same way I will feel pain. Now our expressions might be different, Our experiences might be different. The empirical effect, but you feel the pain, like I feel it. A pain freaks us right now. We feel the pain. It's an emotion. What that statement Men don't cry does Is to suppress an emotion and to suppress Men's emotion. Now, what that has Done in the whole gamut Of relationship we'll get to In the next few minutes. But understand that a statement like that or statements like that does one thing to the mind of the man it suppresses it. And listen when you suppress something, when you suppress an emotion, it doesn't go away. Yes.
Speaker 2:There is a tank, psychologists will call it that. You put it in your subconscious, so it's still there. It's going to spring up someday and it gets interesting. But I don't want to go ahead of myself, so let me also say that that statement is sadly reductionist.
Speaker 2:It is a stereotype on the man, and some men have soaked it in, others are challenging it. Permit me to go a bit into genderism. Please do so Please, particularly for me. Thinking through it right now is a forgerance of the debate between the male and the female gender. So if female gender are saying that they are demanding for equal rights, especially in marriage, then I ask this question, please. I'm just trying to do an overview, an overture, and I ask this question If you're asking for equal rights, for instance within the marriage space, why are you or why is the emotion of crime only assigned to the woman and not the man? That's just a rhetoric question. So I came up with this. I haven't asked myself these questions, I came up with this. Crying is not a woman right, it is a human right. So allow us to cry. And I want to urge men on a good day like this Father's Day, please find some space, some time and perhaps a day to cry.
Speaker 2:But yes, hear this, and by necessary extension our audience the impact of suppressing that emotion of crime does a lot of danger, one of which will be that this may sound surprising when you hear people talking relationships these days oh he cheated on me, this, that is having an affair. That that can I say to you. Things. Oh, he cheated on me, this, that he's having an affair, that that Can I say to you.
Speaker 2:Since crying is an emotion, if it is suppressed by such philosophies like men don't cry, it transmogrifies later within the man. It must be expressed. In a way it's like tanking water the smallest space for that water to issue out. If we exploit it, can I say to you, when you talk about things like alcoholism, when I talk to you, when you hear things like even adultery, when you hear things like psychosomatic breakdown, when you hear things like domestic violence, that emotion that was suppressed, we look for a new way to express itself, and in expressing itself it doesn't come the way it was supposed to express itself. And in expressing itself, it doesn't come the way it was supposed to be originally. It changes character.
Speaker 2:Now there might not be any statistical information anywhere that you can draw from for this, but this is me talking as an authority that I am. And I say that when you suppress that emotion of crying because that emotion of crying is an expression that must be given space, or something that must be given expression but you suppress it, it doesn't go away, it transforms within and comes out one way or the other. So the man, in trying to express that emotion that was suppressed, would now become an alcoholic, if you like, over time or something, because he's trying to express something that he suppressed. So that, for me, is just an overview, it's an overture, it's just an introduction, it's the foundation of this conversation. Men Instagram.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, sir, absolutely. Now we are here now and I know the stereotype is shifting, but it's not shifting fast enough. I still see people tell their children man up, man up. I'm see people tell their children man up, man up. I'm like, what are you doing? Don't do that. If he wants to cry, let him cry. They say don't be a sissy. What is a sissy? Let him cry. How can we begin to dismantle this stigma that is leading to men having mental breakdown? When you talk about men having becoming alcoholic, that is true, because I did a research on it oh great on men, you know, when their wife have um miscarriages, okay, and everybody's like, oh, how is she, how is she?
Speaker 1:and then everybody's just guarding around the woman. Now, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not telling anybody not to gather around women. When I had my, I appreciate your people doing that. However, what about the men? Who's looking after the men? The man is supposed to be the one to ensure that that woman is okay. When people come around, when they send flowers, they will send flowers to her. Nobody, even his own men from the research. They are out there. I'll probably put the link on the system. Even men, they will come within men. They can't even speak about it. They say about other things, but they will not say how are you doing? Because the baby that was lost was from both of them, not just one person. But they focus on the woman. Everybody does, and the woman as well.
Speaker 1:I did it. I'm so guilty of it. I expected my husband like, ah, you're supposed to be here, supposed to be there, and then, after doing that research, I did apologize to him that I didn't know. Men, you know, I thought we are the carriers, so everything is on us, but it was his own child as well, he lost a child as well, but he bottled everything and he has to be fine for me so that I don't break down. But what about him? And in that research, sir, a lot of them said they took to alcohol. Yeah, a lot of them said they took to add drugs. That's right, suppress that emotion. A lot of them said it took to just patting like a dog, just going around looking for things, happy, happy yes yes you know, around and coming home, not being able to express it with the person that they love is hard.
Speaker 1:Hundred men will not explain, because what they do they'll see them as being weak. So it's just like they're all they're in their own world. That's right. So it really broke my heart. How do we begin to break this stigma? Dismantle this thing so that it do not affect our men anymore, because some of them, even when you tell them to cry, it's like what is the meaning of that? What am I crying for? So what do we do? How do we break this stigma, sir? How do we begin to dismantle it?
Speaker 2:Very good question. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this conversation these are not issues that people readily will talk about, or rather gloss over it, and I dare say to our own detriment. To answer your question directly. Let me use an example a personal example.
Speaker 2:What I'm doing now with our 19-year-old son, who is our first child. Consciously, I have conversations with him, frank and honest conversations on these issues of life. For instance, yesterday somebody ranted on me wrongly. She didn't do her investigation, she just came woo, woo, 42 seconds of voice note all on me and everything she was saying was wrong, wrong, not investigated, wrong based on assumptions and everything. So I called my son. Now I could have swallowed that this is where I son. Now I could have swallowed that this is where I'm going. I could have reacted, but I did based on experience. But I'm not of the illusion that is everybody that has that capacity. No, was I always like that? No.
Speaker 2:So this is important, so as to let this end with my generation. I'm transferring to the next generation, consciously and intentionally, so there has to be this conscious and intentional transfer of information to the next generation far of information to the next generation. So my son left me, after about five minutes or ten of talking, a better person, well informed. How to be emotionally intelligent. When you are angry, there's a way to express it, but the how you express it underline how. How you express it, underline how you express it becomes very critical and if you are not educated enough, you will go the way every other person goes. So the one way to do it is for fathers to consciously talk to their children about it and how to handle it. I still come back to it it's not what you are doing, it's come back to it. It's not what you are doing, it's how you do it. It's not what you are saying, it's how you say it. That makes the difference. Now, programs like this, podcasts like this with subjects like this, it's another crucial way to begin to break these stereotypes, because it's a stereotype. It's not real. It's like saying all men are scum. It's not real. That's true that you had an experience with one, two, three, four, maybe five or maybe hundred. It doesn't mean that the over three billion men or 3.5 billion men on the surface of the earth would act like that. So men must be taught also either in schools, especially in schools. We need all of these things. Emotional intelligence, we must teach it. You don't need to wait for one specialized seminar, one specialized podcast. Let people begin to teach these things so that they know the way they teach them physics, the way they teach them English, the way they teach them English, the way they teach them maths. Let's teach emotional intelligence. Men are human beings with emotions, and those emotions have to be expressed in the right and proper way. So I've said number one parents or fathers must consciously teach their children. Now guess what? That same yesterday, the person who ranted. I replied and I said the way you have ranted at me, please do the same to so-and-so person, so that at least you will confirm if I'm lying to you on what you just said. I don't know if he listened to that voice note before she did it, but again, sorry to say, trust a woman who loves all of her heart. If you get her angry, she comes at you all of her heart. So I think she ran to that person, who is a more advanced person, and ran to it also, and the person just said you know what? What he told you is the truth. Nothing exchanged hands between us, guess what. She was humble enough. She came back to say you know how you meant to be now, instead of just saying that I apologize, hold on. It was drama, and there was no other person I could. Just I just looked at the whole place and I said who is my friend? And I just ran from like that, it's you now. That's why I did it. Finally, I'm sorry Now. It sounded funny, but to prove to you that what I said as number one way to break this stereotype is real and I'm not just here to talk because I can talk or maybe I'm invited to talk I called my son again Second time in about a space of 15 minutes, played the voice note it was now one minute and a few seconds.
Speaker 2:The first one was 42 seconds. I played it and he listened. He started smiling, see you see why you need to be patient, even in expressing your emotion. You need to be patient Because if I ran back at her, I gave it to her the way she gave it to me. Maybe even if she had found the truth, she can't come back to me in the manner she did so. For me that was a lesson that I think I would have paid maybe close to another $7,000, $10,000 for him to learn in Harvard. So but you know the problem. The challenge is most parents are too busy. I was around. I was not busy everywhere. That's why I couldn't have that interaction.
Speaker 2:So four things I've said, I think. Number one parents must consciously teach their children, intentionally too, emotional intelligence. Number two they must know that men are human beings and they have emotions and those emotions must be expressed. However, how they express it becomes very critical. What was the third thing I said? I said programs like this. Yeah, podcasts like this are very critical, they are very crucial. So we have podcasts everywhere, but how many take very significant attention, basic, significant attention, to issues like this? You know that, bother on the psychology, that bother on relationships and everything. See what God said just now, how this suppressed emotion of crying can cascade into alcoholism, into drugs, into emotional tumour, so many other things. So those are the issues. I think, if we look at it from that angle, we can begin to consciously build a culture of resilience. A culture of resilience, a culture of perseverance, a culture of expressing our emotions without feeling guilty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Thank you very much. Thank you for modeling that for your son. You know a lot of parents. They will say do as I do, not as do as I say, not as I do, but what you've just done, you've done as do as I do as they come and see this. But what you've just done, you've done as do as I do as they come and see this is what you do. You will get upset and for him to even realize that it doesn't matter how old you are, people will still be there. That will wind you up. People will still be there that will disrespect you. So I'm really glad that you did that, sir. He's very lucky, thank you. Thank you, sir. Okay, so now you did justice to that.
Speaker 1:I just want to move on to the spiritual side of things, right? So this spiritual side of things. I've noticed that there are loads of platforms all over the world, even in the church. Women are the highest in the churches. And another thing that I noticed again most of the time you'll be in the house or you go to a home, it's the women that pray. The women pray.
Speaker 1:There is something in me when I see men worship, when I see men pray, like I'm like yes, please, please, sir, come on. I'm not talking about people like celebrity pastors and all those. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about fathers, men, normal people without no title, standing in a gap and your child coming to me to like come, let's pray over this, declaring upon your child, going around rooms to room, declaring the upon them. So this is powerful, and I find it fascinating and powerful whenever I see this. I just want to know is there a reason that men, a lot of men, it's like prayer. So I would tell you that something is going on in my business. I work like I've told my wife, my wife, to pray for me. What is that all about? I believe in the prayer of agreement with your spouse, but I'm just saying why do men I say some men, not every man not take this spirituality like the way we take it as women?
Speaker 2:Okay, another fantastic question, I must say, and I'm enjoying myself here, because it's not the run-of-the-mill kind of questions that you expect during podcasts or interviews. So kudos to you. Now this issue of prayer. See what I shared with you just now in the interaction or the relationship between my son and not many parents raise their children in the line of prayer.
Speaker 2:I for instance, I got born again to understand that there was a prayer beyond the kind of one we were used to, that we grew up with. For us, that was the ultimate of prayer. So we had to learn, and learn very fast, yes, and that's where we are today, but I can't say the same of every man. Again, again, this thing about men don't cry. I see that there is a tiny thread between that philosophy and that of prayer, because prayer, to a large extent, taps from your emotions. Yes.
Speaker 2:From your belly and men. We pride ourselves to be not emotional. Please, please, please, don't bring all these emotional things here. So it's almost always very difficult because men are very logical oh yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's almost always very difficult to get men to sit down and worship, understand God. Do those disciplines of Bible reading very difficult? To get me to sit down and worship, understand God? Do those disciplines of Bible reading, bible studying? Even attendance of church sometimes is too much of a chore. To rather sit and watch a football match? Our club. You don't have a dime, you know you have not invested a dime, but it's our club. You don't have a dime. You know you have not invested a dime, but it's our club. We just bought. Absolutely, sir. So that's what it is.
Speaker 2:So, again, it takes patience. Now the Bible recommends that to us, I think in the book of Peter, that the way Sarah warned Abraham is the same way If he's an alcoholic, let him be. But gradually, with patience, with perseverance, by faith especially, you can win them gradually and I've seen that happen in my practice over time. Men who were like now come on, what is all this? What is this church thing that you are doing? God has a way of drawing them back. Some of us would have been there.
Speaker 2:So that's why, when I hear things like this, I'm very, very careful not to condemn. I like to know what page they are, because prayer is not the easiest of disciplines, especially for those who are not spiritually inclined. Even those who are spiritually inclined, you know that some days you wake up, you want to pray but you can't. Yes, so I'll counsel this very simply For homes where the woman or the wife is the one who usually they are the ones that, even for me, most of the time, but again because of the responsibility, I think, that parents or fathers hold their children, consciously and intentionally. You sit them down.
Speaker 2:My son just came back from school for holidays and two mornings ago we were doing devotion. So I do a preamble, I do a preamble, I do a preamble for wisdom. And I asked, in the presence of the other siblings, I said do you still take this discipline very seriously? I'm saying I'm looking at you now. It's not very likely I'm not in school with you. Oh, it's not very likely that you're. Then I asked a critical question, and I asked it intentionally, so the children would hear. I said take it. Do you remember that before you went to school I told you this? I told you that. I told you the other one, for instance. I told him that we are doing devotion every morning in this house. It's not a guarantee that those that you will meet will become your classmates, maybe your roommates. They are doing devotion. And the first three months.
Speaker 2:What is three months? The first, one month of earlier, he went to school In his hostel. He stole everything. I'm talking of a tertiary institution, not a secondary school. He stole everything. So I now laughed. I called him. Do you now remember what I told you? The second thing I said to him, I asked him a question. Do you remember that for 21 days without break, I bring you out as early as 3-4am. I wait for one hour? Do you remember? Do you know why I did that? So that thing you always quote in scriptures that says when he's old, he will not depart from it. I said no, from my. He will not depart from it. I said no. From my experience, they depart very fast from it Because you have allowed your environment to soak you. However, to answer your question directly, there is still so much we need to do to encourage husbands more than that encourage the next generation to pray.
Speaker 2:Let it be light. Teach them in a light way. You don't have to do it like this Even when you are walking on the street, you are praying. When you are in the car, you are praying, and there's a scripture for that. But the methodic and traditional way we have been taught about prayer will not allow a lot of us. I'm talking of men now to want to do it, and that's my experience, that's my view over time. But is prayer important, very important? Should you delegate prayer to somebody else? I don't think so.
Speaker 1:Okay, sir. So from what you say, sir, what I'm catching from it is that we ought to simplify it, don't? Make it too ambiguous.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right, that's right.
Speaker 1:So we just need to just simplify it. Simplify it, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Let me even push it a little bit further. You wake up in the morning, for instance, wake up with thanksgiving Father, I thank you. Oh, I slept and I woke up. Thank you for a new day. It starts like that. Not for you to go and prepare, sit down or go somewhere or walk from there. No, no, no, it can't be that simple Gratefulness the next thing you want to ask for. Give us this day our deliberate Lord. Today you have woken me up. You have a purpose for my life. Now, I didn't memorize this thing. I'm saying it's that simple. Hearing from God is another, but start with this one, once you wake up your eyes see another day.
Speaker 2:There's a song to it. Once your eye sees another day, it's all about Thanksgiving. Yes.
Speaker 1:It could be simple.
Speaker 2:Let's not mystify it.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's true.
Speaker 2:It gets people scared.
Speaker 1:That's absolutely true. This is too much work.
Speaker 2:That's true, sir. It gets people scared. This is too much work, that's true, sir.
Speaker 1:So please, if you are out there Listening to this podcast, if you want your husband to join you, don't scare the man with too much Bible. This thing Quotation, or you must do this. You must do that, else God will not answer. Simplify it If it's just to meditate even on one bible verse like it's like exactly you know give us our delivery.
Speaker 1:Let him meditate on that and when he come back, god gave him his delivery, he was able to go, I come back and everything in work or business was fine. We give thanks to god. In the evening beat by be. Let people go in their own, bit by bit. Let people go in their own, let them grow, that's right. Do not exactly, do not push them into rigorous things. Don't push hard, just do it gently. That's right.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much, sir. Please simplify it. Simplify it. I'm telling you people now, simplify it. I think this is almost the second to the last question. You know, community women. Again, we have loads of communities that will tap into as a mother, you see a mother, they will have a group of women like hey, hello, um, um, yeah, bookie, my daughter is, is just vomiting and still she's not eating. What can I do? And I don't worry, do this, do that, put a bit of salt, a bit of sugar to make sure the energy level, put water, just give to them and they are good, right.
Speaker 1:But men, sir, I've noticed men do struggle, especially as adults. It's almost like once men don't have those childhood friend or once they are separated because of distance or loads of factors. It's very difficult for men to find friendship in adulthood Because one thing is that when men try to make friends in business, sometimes some men they will just do you over, they will do you over, whereby they rip you off in business. I've seen it happen to people that are very close to me. You're like I cannot have friends when this person, I cannot even trust them with business. Then they can, can do anything. Then you see other things whereby, um, men, they, they don't. It's almost like it's one-sided one person is always doing the checking and the other one is doing as if they are also busy.
Speaker 1:Right, men that do not have community, especially those that have jacked by people that are just in this situation just because their childhood friend are so far away from them or they did not nurture those relationship at the right time. What do they do? What? What can they do to ensure that they get into this community? Because I know that when men are in a community, he helped them to just ease out a little bit so that by the time they get home, um is, you know, the burden is lighting for them and they can just express themselves. But men do not open up and say they trust the person. So how do men break a trustworthy community that have good values with them, that will not contaminate them or break them down even further and just help one another? How can men do?
Speaker 2:that. That's a not a tricky question, but a tactical one. Let me just make it simple. Number one you don't need. You don't need four men if you can have one man, mm-hmm yeah, you don't need four men, but relationships are important in life. However, you can have one man. Yeah, you don't need four men, but relationships are important in life. However, men tend to be competitive. But you see one man that you can trust is enough for you. Now. You can be in a community of 100, 200 people.
Speaker 2:You are still lonely yes so can we now say, or let me suggest, that let's look for that one man that you can trust, whose heart resonates with yours, whose purpose is akin to yours, who, when you are silent, knows what you are saying or hears what you are saying. You don't need forming. If one can be enough for you and understands you. Let's start with that. We may grow hereafter. I pride myself. I used to say to people that look, I got friends. Oh, popular guy, I have friends.
Speaker 2:But you know the irony as you grow, just like you identified on the ladder of life, it begins to thin down. So, like Jesus, he had the beloved John, he had Peter James and John the three, he had the 12, then he had the 70. So let's walk from that model. Let's walk from that model. Who is your one, the one that you know that, come what may? I mean? There's a story about some guy who was going to be executed in some distant place and he was tied to the stick. They were just waiting to do all the other formalities for them to take him out and suddenly a horse was coming from a distance, dust and everything. The man was in a hurry, he was in haste and people turned back to look the guy who was tied to stake, opened his mouth and said to the man who was running towards him he said I knew you would come I knew you would come.
Speaker 2:I knew you would come. Man, can we look for that one man that we know that, no matter what happens, we know this one will stand by me, he would come. So forget about the crowd Now. Forget about community. Yes, the church is a community In your office space, yeah, that's another community. In your neighborhood is another community. But, please, you need a man that you know you trust would come, somebody you can call a confidant, somebody you can confide in, somebody who you can say this is between us, not even told so-and-so person, but you are the only person on earth and you know that your secret is secure with the person. So let's begin to make that conscious effort. And I must say this he that wants to be trusted must himself be trustworthy. Yeah, so you want me to keep your secrets? Can you keep my secrets? So let's think about it like that, and I think that would work. It's easier for women Not so easy, because women betray themselves too.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, sir.
Speaker 2:I've read a bit about feminism and I read some literature on feminism and I say so much for women, women, women for women, or something.
Speaker 1:Women supporting women, women supporting women that's it, that's the crazy.
Speaker 2:So much for women, supporting women because they backstab each other, you know, and do all manner of things. So it happens everywhere. It's the whole dynamics of relationship. But you see one, there's an audience of one, One, one one, and you must be loyal to that person, because loyalty is a two-way street. It's a two-way street, absolutely it's a two-way street. If I'm loyal to you, you be loyal to me, thank you very much sir. Thank you, thank you very much sir.
Speaker 1:I think the last question I'm going to ask. I ask this question to every. I just love the spin you put on that question. I asked why go for four men when you can have just one? That's just just. I was not expecting that stuff. Thank you so much. Okay, so there's this question I just want to ask is that, you know, for men that are okay that's why we can still see your face now for men that are struggling right now that are silent because there's something that you said that was so powerful?
Speaker 1:you can be in the midst of a crowd and yet you see fever and to be honest, I've experienced that you're so right because everybody just carry on, especially if you are the light and the soul of the party. Everybody will just carry on. They will forget that you are no longer lighting up but the light that you've carried. Every other person has carried it on. Yeah, that's right, you know. So, for a man that is struggling right now, how can they find their inner harmony again in order for them to start thriving authentically? What can they do to help them find themselves and come back to themselves again?
Speaker 1:it's not an easy.
Speaker 2:It's not an easy question, as it sounds. Some of us have been there time and again, especially, like you said let me borrow from you when you are the life of the party. Most people who are the lives of the party have a void inside of them. Sometimes, that which they do externally to get everybody excited is a cover-up for the emptiness they feel inside. So what's my recommendation? It's simple, but not yet simple, because somebody will listen to this that might know these people say, I just said it, is it like that?
Speaker 2:No, I told my son something a few days ago. I said to him when people say that this thing, this occurrence, just started in my life and they want to blame people around them or things, I said no, it's very simple. It's not even so much about prayer and fasting much as I believe in prayer and fasting and practice it it's not even so much in prayer. I believe in prayer, I do pray. I said sometimes it's in responsibility and taking responsibility. If suddenly I see a strange happenstance around me, I told myself I will trace back. When did this thing start? Three weeks ago. So one of my recommendations is you must sit yourself down and like the title of that. One of my recommendations is you must sit yourself down and like the title of that. One of my books is Talk to Yourself Before you talk to the physiotherapist or the, not the physiotherapist.
Speaker 1:Now, before you talk to your therapist, talk to yourself.
Speaker 2:You know, because what you say to yourself at the end is more compelling. You can't deceive yourself. So we take we backtrack a bit. This thing started three weeks ago, for instance, where was I, who was I with? What company was I keeping? What were the manner of conversations that I had? If you are sincere like that, I'm talking about somebody who is on a downtime right now. That's the way you build your way back up. That's the way you track your way back. It's like that of the prodigal son in the Bible I don't know where I'm headed, I didn't really take my, I didn't really put my cards on the table right, but I know where I'm coming from. I can't back back. And when he did, he was restored. So when you do that, you begin to see okay, I was with this person, this person, this person. The kind of conversations we had were strange to me. But I just played along and gradually I was introduced to one bottle, no, one glass.
Speaker 2:They say try it, man. What's wrong with you? Don't kill yourself. No, no, no, don't kill yourself. We managers men, men like you, women, men, what we yourself? We managers men, yeah, men like you, women. So what we do is that when we are coming back home. We don't go home straight after work, we just branch the pole. Now you meet the boys there. Now Just enjoy ourselves till maybe 10 PM, 11 PM, so that by the time we get home we are ready to sleep. It works.
Speaker 2:Another one will say are you just knowing this guy? That's how it starts and before you know, you are deeply entranced. So you trace your way back. You say, okay, until I met this guy, until I got into this place, until I had this information or had that information at school. This whole thing happened or started when.
Speaker 2:Sit yourself down, talk to yourself. Sit yourself down, talk to yourself In the event that talking to yourself does not give you the right perspective that you need yourself does not give you the right perspective that you need, and get a professional to talk to. Because we are all shy. Somehow we don't tell ourselves the truth. We pamper ourselves, we better ourselves, so you are shy. I believe that you cannot be shy so much that you can't tell yourself the truth, the truth of the mind. Finally, if you truly desire solution, if you truly desire to be restored, you won't lie to yourself for too long.
Speaker 2:The things that compels me, one of the things that propels me. One of the things that helps me is that I'm saying to myself I have responsibility, and responsibility is not bills for me. Responsibility is family for me, if I go down. I always tell myself that if I go down, who would be affected? My wife, my four children. They have seen an encourager in me. So if I go this way, I go down, they are all going down with me. Is that what I want? Once I get the answer, which is obvious, I just tell myself boy wake up, boy.
Speaker 2:Get up, boy, drop it. It's not important. Things are not always as bad as they first seem. There is nothing that happens to a man that you cannot walk back from. If I tell you now this thing you talked about people backstabbing each other. Yeah, if I tell you right now what I just encountered in the last few days in terms of cash or finances, you'll be shocked. I'm the one sitting here and this is not me living in denial. This is me, by the grace of God, maturing the way my friend and I laughed a day after this thing happened. You would think we won a lottery. For want of a better word, a better description, that's what I would say to you.
Speaker 2:We were laughing about it and just told ourselves if God allowed it, that same God can open another door. Till he does let's just be playing on the hallway and be smiling on the hallway. It is money we lost. How we end with this? We didn't lose life.
Speaker 1:We didn't lose our integrity.
Speaker 2:We didn't lose our peace. If we have our integrity intact, if we have our peace intact, if we have, what's the other word now?
Speaker 1:Peace, integrity.
Speaker 2:Peace, integrity. There's one word that I missed. It is money. We lost, okay, life, so if life is integrity, it's peace LI, life, so life is integrity, is peace LIP. We didn't lose those three, it's just money, cash, and the cash was not even present. I mean, it was still in abstract form. It was a promise. They were yet paid. They have not paid, but it's gone. It's gone, but the life is still there. The integrity is still there. The peace is still there. The integrity is still there, the peace is still there. If you have those three, you can bounce back.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you very much, sir. I don't know, something just dropped in my spirit and I have to ask it. You know me, sir. What if the person has lost the peace and integrity, but the life is there? What can they do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you've lost the peace and integrity. But the life is there. What can they do? Yeah, if you've lost the peace and integrity, I think you can still walk your way back. It may not be the same way it would be, because I mean, when you lose integrity, you've almost lost it all. Yes, but is going into or sliding into despotency an option? That's a question Critical. Oh, I've lost everything. Nobody will trust me anymore. Now, if you remain there or try to come out and start to build all over again, which would you rather choose?
Speaker 2:You still have a choice to be in despotency, to become a byword, to become a discouragement to those who still believe in you, or to just say you can't do anything, you resign totally. So when you answer those questions critically for yourself, my sister, we have been there. And now, again and again, what's making us stand here? It's the grace of God, number one. And I resolve number two to say I can't feel my wife, I can't feel the children. They believe in me, even when I don't have a dime. So for their sake alone, I refuse to fail, I refuse to go under so, your faith, life becomes very crucial at this stage.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Because that's where it is, that's what gives you hope, that's where, that's what shows you a way where there is no your faith, you, your belief in divinity. So that has helped me and I believe it can help anybody.
Speaker 1:Wow, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you so much, saffo. Thank you. I'm sure this conversation will help people, will give them thoughts. I like listening to conversation that will. I don't just go for things that will inspire inspire, so I know I like things that will make you ask yourself those reflective questions.
Speaker 2:And the things that you can work with.
Speaker 1:That's right. That's right, sir. And if they want to get your books out, are they on Amazon for your books?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I have like two or three there.
Speaker 1:Okay, sir, so I'm going to have to. Yeah, I have like two or three there. Okay, so I'm going to have to, if you can send me that link so that I can add it to the description of the podcast, and on Facebook and all our podcast platform as well Apple, spotify, audible and all of that stuff.
Speaker 1:So if you want to reach Mr Don Kester, so I'm going to put his details there for you to be able to reach him. He's a solid leadership mentor for people that care to progress and have growth in their life. Thank you so much for coming to authentic.
Speaker 2:Yes, sir, yes thank you, thank you. This means so much to me. I like to reach people and encourage them, just like you said, and help people who are in despotency. And there's so much happening right now. You don't want to imagine. There's so much happening in life, especially because of the state of the economy. Yes, sir, yeah, people are down. So as many times as we can do this, I'll be available if you give me advance notice.
Speaker 1:Wow Trust me.
Speaker 2:I'm doing a great job.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much, sir Always a pleasure to be with you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Thank you sir, thank you for listening. And for those of you who have not subscribed yet, what are you waiting for? Please share to all the men that you love in your life, hus. What are you waiting for? Please share to all the men that you love in your life husband, boyfriend, father, grandfather. Send it to their colleagues, send it to them for them to learn, and just learn from all the wonderful um experiences that sir has shared. This has been authentic, thriving podcast. Until I come your way again, keep thriving attentively. Keep you know, protecting your inner harmony. Please don't mortgage it for anything. My name remain abia sonia, and bye for now. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.