Authentic Thriving Podcast
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Authentic Thriving Podcast
Breaking the Chains Of Domestic Violence
What makes someone become violent toward their intimate partner? What invisible chains keep victims trapped in abusive relationships? And how do we heal not just ourselves, but our children from the lasting trauma of domestic violence?
Dr. Blessy Ntamu, a distinguished psychologist with over two decades of expertise in stress management and gender-based violence prevention, peels back the layers of this complex issue with remarkable clarity and compassion. She confronts the uncomfortable truth that while men can be victims, women bear the disproportionate burden of gender-based violence, suffering at rates approaching 97%.
The conversation challenges common misconceptions that enable abuse, particularly those rooted in cultural and religious traditions. Dr. Ntamu firmly debunks the notion that marriage confers ownership rights over another person: "You cannot buy a human. It is against the laws of the land anywhere that I know." She explains how psychological abuse, though invisible to others, often leaves deeper scars than physical violence, making validation and recovery even more challenging.
Perhaps most powerful is her examination of the tactics abusers use to maintain control isolation from support networks, financial dependency, and manipulation of religious concepts like "submission." For those trapped in these situations, Dr. Ntamu offers practical guidance on rebuilding connections and financial independence. "Any man saying you should not work is a huge red flag," she warns, explaining how abusers deliberately create economic dependency.
The discussion also addresses the devastating impact on children "the grass that suffers when elephants fight" and the importance of supporting their mental health alongside adult survivors. Dr. Ntamu emphasizes that seeking help shows strength, not weakness: "It is okay not to be okay."
Whether you're personally experiencing abuse, supporting someone who is, or simply want to understand this pervasive issue more deeply, this episode provides invaluable insights on recognizing, escaping, and healing from relationship violence. Subscribe now and join our community committed to authentic thriving through mental and emotional wellbeing.
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Hello and welcome to Authentic Traveling Podcast. I am your host, abiyasunia Ebenezer-Barramudbaran. I am an investor in positive transformation through counseling, life coaching, speaking and also writing books. Have you read my book yet? Inner Harmony Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnout resilience beyond chronic stress and burnout. This book is available on amazon and also on my website, wwwasebconsultancycom. On this podcast, we talk about our mental health, emotional well-being and also our holistic well-being in order for us to thrive authentically. This is a safe space for you to speak about soulful truth and talk about the things that will help you to come back to yourself and regain your self-awareness. Welcome to the Authentic Podcast once again.
Speaker 1:In this episode, I am going to be interviewing another special guest and I'm just going to quickly read her bio. Her name is Dr Blessy Utamu. So Dr Blessy Agwe Utamu is a distinguished psychologist and educator with a PhD in educational psychology. She serves as a senior lecturer and head of external relations at the University of Calabar, nigeria. With over two decades of expertise, dr Ntamu specializes in stress management, mindfulness and gender-based violence prevention. She's also a CPD accredited trainer and a passionate advocate for mental health and inclusive education. Welcome, welcome, welcome, dr Blessing Otamu for joining me today.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you for the very great introduction.
Speaker 1:OK, so I am just going to start with a few questions and see how this is going to pan out, because sometimes, when you ask some questions, it just takes you to various directions and then we can start unpicking it. I have worked with people that have been through domestic violence and I realized that the statistics is quite high, showing that men are mostly the perpetrators. However, with further investigation, I realized that women can also be perpetrators as well. Now, with things like this, being that is actually when things start happening. But I want us to take a step back. What are the things that contribute to people, um, becoming violent when they are in intimate relationship? Because I do understand that there are various factors, layers and layers of factors, and it's not one size fits all. But if we can just unpick some of those factors today and then we just take it from there all, right.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much once again, sunia, for having me. I'll pick it up from your statement that men are majorly perpetrators, and then you found out women are perpetrators, right. The reason why we focus on. Well, whilst men are majorly perpetrators, women are majorly what we prefer to call survivors or, in some cases, victims. And when gender-based violence happens to women, mostly is perpetrated by the men and sometimes men could be victims, but most times when men are victims, it's also being perpetrated by the men in same-sex relationships. So our focus usually is on women because, like we say, gender-based violence affects women disproportionately that means the proportion of women that suffer it to that of men. You can consider that of men as being highly negligible. So we're talking about maybe 97%, about 3% of men, you know. So that's why our focus is on the women, because the women are the major survivors or victims here, and when it comes to women, the men are the perpetrators. Now, going to the factors that could cause someone being a perpetrator of gender-based violence, being an abuser, like we would say, there are a lot of facts, like you've mentioned. One of them is them modeling the behaviors by the parents. So if there were their experience adverse childhood they had adverse childhood experiences, one of which would have been domestic violence in their homes, so they could grow up to become abusers. Because, like we know, children learn by social learning, by imitating. So their parents serve as models. So if they grew up in an abusive environment where they were being abused or their parents were being abused, then they could grow up to become abusers.
Speaker 2:But I refuse to take this as an excuse for a man or anybody out there who is portraying violence. You know saying it's what I suffered, why? Because there are two ways to go and the choice is actually yours. So some people suffer abuse and, as a result of that, they vow that their wives, their children, would never suffer what they suffered. So they take a positive route out of it where other people would model it. Because we have a choice as you learn and you grow up, you can make changes. We believe that every behavior in psychology, as you know, is learned and can be unlearned. So you can actually unlearn this behavior as you grow up, as you begin to learn about the consequences. So it's not an excuse. It's okay. I was a victim or I was a survivor of a bargain, so I have to be an abuser. It's not an excuse.
Speaker 2:But another very huge factor for us would be societal norms. Actually, you know, gender-based violence is actually a product of socialization, you know. Know our societal norms. It's a patriotic society. Just the mere fact that you are a man makes you a king, gives you some level of authority over every woman you find on the streets, you know, and then gives you some kind of ownership right over your wife, of ownership right over your wife, the whole socialization around marriage, you know, because the man comes and pays a pittance, which is actually our tradition, just to acknowledge the work. That was like.
Speaker 2:We say you saw a beautiful flower in Africa. We say you saw a beautiful flower in someone's house and you came to pick it up. When we referred to a man seeking a bride from a home in africa, we say you know idiomatically that you saw a beautiful flower in garden, you came to pick it up. So whatever you pay as a dowry, it's from an appreciation to the person who nurtured this flower. If you, if want, it's someone who you know watched it grow, someone made the environment conducive, someone provided all the flower needed to grow, and so it's just an appreciation.
Speaker 2:You can never repay anyone for giving birth to a child. You can never repay anyone. You cannot buy a human. It is against the laws of the land anywhere that I know. So you cannot own a wife and whatever you pay as dowry, if you sit down and constructively and critically, you know, do an analysis, you'll find that whatever amount you pay, you cannot pay for the feeding of that woman from bed, for all the mother went through carrying this woman in the womb, for all the educational fees you just cannot pay. So this notion that you bought a wife and that's the notion that a lot of men have because you paid a dowry, in Africa, for instance, is wrong, and so when they think they, own this woman by virtue of being married to her, then they can treat her in any way they want to.
Speaker 2:That's what society teaches or has taught for a long time, and that's what we're trying to change. You know, marriage is between two adults, two consenting adults. Consenting adults, and those two adults, by virtue of marriage, do not lose their fundamental human rights. The fact that God married a woman does not mean she no longer has her fundamental human rights rights to freedom of communication, freedom of movement, freedom to belong to social organizations All these are fundamental human rights and a lot more freedom of worship where she wants to worship. She retains all of this in marriage, and so there's no basis for discrimination, for coercion, for control, because the majority of domestic or gender-based violence is founded upon coercion and control. They need to be in control, they need to be the boss. You know there's no basis for that. Now. If, for any reason, you got married and you find out that there's some misalignment in your values, in in whatever it is, you also have a right to walk away. It's a decision you made, so there's no excuse. If you cannot stay married, better not be separated, then to abuse a woman, then to be discriminative, then to rob her of her fundamental rights, then to hit her. There's so many different types of gender-based violence, so many. Rob her of her fundamental rights, then to hit her. You know there's so many different types of gender-based violence, so many different types of abuse. None of them is acceptable.
Speaker 2:Some people may not physically abuse the woman, but they emotionally and psychologically abuse her, and that can be more complicated because people around her cannot see any scars. And so if she's complaining and saying my husband is being abusive, they can see her living in a good house, maybe driving a big car. They can't see any scars on her, and so they say no, she's lying, something's wrong somewhere, she's not being abused. Meanwhile, these scars of psychological abuse, of emotional abuse, they run far deeper than the physical scars that you can see, because the physical scars can be healed easily. You know you can put a band, you can put some medicine.
Speaker 2:That's not excusing physical violence by any means. All I'm saying is that emotional violence, psychological violence, is as bad, if not worse, than physical violence, because you can see this cast, you can see the wounds of physical violence, you can heal them. And that will not even heal the emotional scars, because physical violence also causes emotional scars. So you see, all of this is so complicated. We just need to put a complete stop to all forms of violence against women, all forms of gender-based violence and, in fact, all forms of violence against persons, be they men, women or whatever gender they are.
Speaker 1:I just want to ask you a favor to subscribe, like and share to your friends, your neighbor, your colleagues, your family, your friends and everybody that you know, and I'm really working hard to ensure that I bring useful and valuable information that will help you in your mental and emotional well-being so that you begin to thrive authentically. You know, a lot of us will feel we have to wait until something happens before we become reactive, but with this podcast I am trying to give you information that will make you proactive, so you don't even have anything to react to in the end because you are looking after yourself properly.
Speaker 1:So what are you waiting for? If you have been listening, please like, share, comment on anything that resonates with you. This will help to drive our visibility. And also, if there is any other topic that we have discussed that has been a trigger or that you feel you need support with, please visit wwwasebconsultancycom. There is a 15-minute free consultation link that you can click on right there and book to speak to one of our counselors. Thank you so much for helping to drive visibility to this platform. And also, if you have been listening on Apple, spotify, Audible and every other podcast platform there, please follow us and keep sharing, Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the program now. Fantastic, thank you very much. That's a very good foundation that you've laid there For people that are listening to this now.
Speaker 1:She mentioned cohesive control. In the UK, they passed a law years ago that if the person is able to establish because some people go oh, it's not, I'm just when you start asking where are you going, you start controlling the person financially, emotionally or physically, restricting them, isolating them. Please, ignorance is not an excuse. In the UK right now, the law has been passed and there are people that are going in for it. There's also neglect as well. When you're neglecting the need of someone, that's also a cohesion as well.
Speaker 1:Abuse, sexual concern the fact that you have paid the diary, like the blessing said, it doesn't mean whenever you want to have sex you think it is your legal right, as people don't even go out of their audacity to then use the biblical way that you need to submit. You see, this is the part where I do not really condone when people use that word, because you are misconstruing what the bible said about that word. So you're saying you have to submit and then you force you, you have sex with that woman. She used the word consent as well, without a consent when she specifically said no, the fact that you are husband. If you do that, that is sexual abuse. Financial abuse is right there. Neglect, cohesion, mental, which is the psychological, mental and emotional is also there. So please, just Putting that out there for people to do understand that there is no cultural context. There is no spiritual, biblical aspects or even Muslim aspects that you want to bring into it. No religion will cover you when things like this start going down. Right. Okay, you also mentioned things that when you find yourself in this situation. Remember you always have a choice to leave.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to bring a bit of a film that we just saw, because in that part it portrayed a film called straw by tyler tyler perry. This is one of the reasons why people don't leave, because in that film you saw the way that woman was struggling to pay her bills. She couldn't pay her bills and, to even make matter worse, her daughter had a condition. So there are people I've worked with, people that they will tell you that, sonia, I cannot leave, and these are the reasons that it gave, and I saw it portrayed in that film.
Speaker 1:I cannot leave because I cannot financially maintain my upkeep of myself and my children. That's one of the reasons. Another reason that it gave is that, oh, we've spoken to our pastor. My family there's no one that has ever been divorced in my family. My family are Christians and if I go I will not get family support. I will lose a lot of friends because most of my friends are from the church and I will have that stigma on me and my children will have their stigma on them as someone that has been through divorce and the god aid divorce.
Speaker 1:Another reason why people also give is that I am not mentally strong enough because he's wanting to leave the environment physically, but for you to then live emotionally with all the things that will be thrown at you in the society, in your religious body, in different places. And then the third one is a commitment how do I look after this child? Do all the running around when I don't have anybody that will be picking up the slacks for me? So these are some of the reasons that people give. I'm just wondering if you can speak to that, because I know that you work with some foundations and in the UK we have a lot of services. I actually even know some of them which I'll be dropping in the link of this place, if you could speak to that.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, so you spoke about first of all the gender based violence. Unfortunately, I'm a very practical Christian, very God fearing, I don't know. So I'm a Christian, but I know that the Bible does not excuse gender-based violence, does not provide any form of anchor. So the whole, we have the church sometimes as one of the biggest problems when it comes to gender-based violence. They tell young women it's un-Christian to leave. You need to be submissive. I like to put that in perspective a little bit.
Speaker 2:When the Bible says a woman submits to your husband, it also said in another place submits you one to another.
Speaker 2:Beyond that, it says men love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave his life for the church.
Speaker 2:So don't even come quoting submission without quoting the kind of love that is so sacrificial that you would die for your spouse and if you love your wife enough to die for her, you would not have desired in any way possible at all.
Speaker 2:You know and this is something that, like I talked about in practical I think that was in was not in turkey, in an african country, one of these islamic afric, there was a terrorist attack in a country right now a tourist location, and these tourists came out of this bay and they were shooting at people who were on vacation and some men practically used themselves as human shields for their wives. They got the bullet, they died, their wives survived. That is the kind of love we're talking about. If you love a woman sacrificially the way the Bible says the way you love your own flesh the Bible says love at the way you love your own flesh there's nobody who would hurt himself In marriage, the two become one. And if the two become one, it means that spouse of yours is like yourself, and the Bible says nobody would intentionally hurt themselves.
Speaker 2:So if you do not intentionally take a knife and hurt yourself, do that to your spouse. So there's no. If you love a woman, you don't need to ask her to submit whatever submission means to you. She would naturally submit because you wouldn't do anything that is against her interest, and if she can trust you to protect her interest, why not, you know? So these men are just using this as an excuse. There is no biblical excuse. Also, there's a very good example in the Bible to show you that the Bible does not support you supporting a spouse. That is insane.
Speaker 2:You know, the situation of Safira is one I always point to. Now, if we're going by societal standards, society would have said Safira was an amazing wife. She stood by her husband. And so the apostles ask her did you sell this land for so-and-so? You and your husband do you confirm? Because she was such a good and supportive wife? She said yes, we sold it for so-and-so. She might not have been a liar, but she wanted to support her husband for so long. So she might not have been a liar or she wanted to support her husband. My dear God did not excuse her for supporting the man who does not support God. And so when she told lies the same way. Her husband died, she also died, and that is it. So don't go supporting someone.
Speaker 2:We make mistakes in life and the first point to change is where you acknowledge that you've made a mistake and then you take a turn. If you have found yourself with the wrong person, you've made a mistake with your choice. You are not compelled to leave with that person if the person does not want to change. The Bible even says all of this clearly that if the unbelieving husband wants to stay and change with you, then fine, but if he does not and he wants to leave, and if he's abusing you, he definitely wants to leave. So you leave him before he's leaving. That's about that. I hope I've been able to create some perspective when it comes to that. The Bible does not excuse abuse. No religion that I know of does you know? And then, when it comes to yeah, that's why we're pushing for economic empowerment.
Speaker 2:That's the number one reason why women do not leave because they are not economically empowered, because this kind of abusive men they start from, like you mentioned, isolation, control to the extent that they won't allow you work. They do that intentionally to make you economically dependent on them so that they can manipulate and control you Because they know if you have economic freedom, there's so much you can take. When it gets on your nerves, you will move out. So they intentionally use economic abuse as a weapon. They stop you from working and then they isolate you from all of your social support system so that they can keep you under I don't know what to call it. Now they can control you. So women should get empowered, please.
Speaker 2:A lot of young girls out there say oh, he loves me so much he doesn't want me to work. No, any man saying you should not work it's a huge red flag. Just begin to run away. He doesn't want you to work so that you can be economically dependent on him and then he can do all he wants to you and get away with it for the most part. So women should seek economic empowerment. And what do women do not do?
Speaker 2:The moment you step out, you gain so much power back that you're able to work and sustain yourself. When you remain in an abusive relationship, it robs you of a lot of energy. As human beings, we have an emitted amount of energy to use each day and so such uh harmful relationships. They are emotionally draining, the draining of all the energy that you would use productively to earn money by the time you separate from this negative energy and you now focus all of your energy productively. You would, because once you are there, you are under anxiety and stress, and stress and anxiety hampers intellectual productivity. Because I don't want to go into the technicalities but once the arutella that activates the stress response is activated, your prefrontal cortex that thinks critically is blocked. So you cannot think well. So as long as you're in that room, you cannot think about doing business well, you cannot excel at your work, and all of that is hampering you.
Speaker 2:When you take a break and leave that abusive relationship, you'll be able to, you'll be empowered, you'll find the energy and the strength within you to be productive and to survive on your own. So please do not stay back because of that. And that is why it is important for all of us to have a social support system, because when you have a social support system that you can always fall back on, it makes it easier to leave, whether it is family, whether it is friends. That is why you should resist isolation with all your power. An abusive man will always seek to isolate you. They'll be nasty to your friends. They'll be nasty to your family so that those people can leave you. And when those people cut off all ties from you, they become your god, they become the only. Adversity will come without warning um, there's a blessing.
Speaker 1:What if I tell you that we will not be we stopped at the parts where he said God, they become your God, oh my God.
Speaker 1:We're going to have to take it right. So, dr Blessing, you were saying something about they becoming your God. Right, they becoming your God Because you've been isolated so much, and when you're isolated, you become so dependent on them and and things like that you've you've mentioned that. So I'm just wondering, um, what people do that when they're isolated, they become your god, and things like that. When that happened, what can this person do to ensure that they are not in that trap, or anybody that is in that trap already? What can they do to get themselves out of that trap?
Speaker 1:they can give me a second.
Speaker 2:I'm just trying to set up just a second. I'll respond all right.
Speaker 1:So you mentioned something about they becoming a God to that person and they are not very, very dependent on that person, and that's a very dangerous place to be. I'm just wondering for someone that is already in that situation right now, whereby they've been isolated what can they do to be able to get back, to be able to get back and reach out, because social those support is so important, so so important. What can they do to be able to get themselves back, to get support and build that relationship again with people, or even with new people?
Speaker 2:okay. Yeah, the thing is, if you are at a point where you've been isolated, now you realize this was all part of the scheme manipulation and abuse. Don't be ashamed or afraid to reach out to people. The thing is, a lot of people understand these things and they will be compassionate towards you. A lot of people understand how manipulative and abusive men can be abusive man can be. So be bold enough to reach out for support, particularly to dear friends and family, people who have been friends and family and who loved you in the past. They will not just stop loving you for whatever mistakes you've made. Yeah, some people will say no, just be ready to take the no. But a lot of people will say yes, so reach out. But the whole idea is to build resilience.
Speaker 2:So, for women who young, men who just got married and you're in a process where someone is trying to isolate you, they don't want you to talk to family and friends. They complain when you talk to family and friends, when you spend time with family and friends, when you want to support family and friends, please resist anybody's attempt to isolate you. Human beings are social animals. We need each other and someone isolating you is preparing you for manipulation and abuse most likely. So resist. You can't be an island. Spend time with friends and family. Invest in them. Intentionally build relationships, because when the rainy day comes, you're going to need them. We all need each other, so intentionally build those relationships.
Speaker 1:Okay, fantastic, that's a blessing. So if you're out there and you've been isolated already intentionally, build relationship again. You can build relationship anywhere. You can build with family members again and friends. If you have to apologize, drop your ego and apologize and just make sure you go back. If just we don't want to take you back, there are loads of people around the world that will take you back. Just allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:One thing I've noticed is that for people that do not like to be vulnerable maybe because you've experienced a backlash as a result of you being vulnerable at a particular time and become a source of gossip I will always say that it doesn't matter who you are, whether people that are dead, whether people that are alive, whether people that are everything. Look, look, look, uncle dory. For them, people will always talk about you. There is always something. That's so. It doesn't matter. It's not because you're vulnerable that they're talking about it, even you, just you not talking at all. So I would talk. I like. Look at her. She pretend as if everything is okay. She never says anything. So there is always something. So just get used to that that people always talk about people, even people that are dead yes, yes, so please don't.
Speaker 2:Don't let that bother you at all. As a matter of fact, if people are not talking about you, it means you're doing something wrong that's why I'm not talking about, because they will talk about you. If you're doing something good, if you're making progress, if you're someone of value, people will talk about you. So get ready and they will talk about you. I know it's like, like, so I said so that's it. Don't, don't care about, yeah yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So now there are some dynamic as well, very unusual dynamic, whereby people they get into domestic abuse or they started experiencing domestic abuse when someone lost their job or their business. Now it may be the man that lost his job and the woman is now the breadwinner in the home, and you will see things turn around whereby the woman is now very authoritative and, you know, men are very masculine, whereby they feel emancipated, whereby, well, your wife tell you that I went to work. You don't expect me to come back and start cooking. What have you been doing at home? Why have you not cooked? Why have you not saw the children? And the man is still saying I'm the man of the house and before you know it, they had headlong with his shoulder and they can't see eye to eye.
Speaker 1:Or sometimes it might just be the woman that has lost her job, and then the man is turning around and say what do you bring to the table? I do this, I do that, and it's that nitpicking. But one thing I know, whatever the dynamic of the situation is, when there is a financial loss in the family, some people start experiencing domestic violence. Now I know that there are some services that give out free counseling out there and I know that some men struggle with the word, even the word counseling, and we need to go for counseling to get this resolved so that we don't end up in a rabbit hole of domestic violence. Can you please speak to that? How can people begin to talk to their spouse or get them to counselling? What is the role of counselling in doing that, knowing that the sole purpose of this domestic violence is financial insufficiency?
Speaker 2:yeah, like we know, money is power. Right, yes, money is power. When you have money, you have authority, you have power. So definitely the one who has the good rules, like Mami, have power. So definitely the one who has the rules like mommy, my club said the one who has the rules.
Speaker 2:But I think um couples have to be reasonable. For the examples he gave, really if the man has had a good job maybe, and now he's lost his job and the woman is the one working, let's say, nine to five, it would be very unreasonable for the man to sit down and cross his legs, for her to go to work and work nine to five and come home and cook and clean up and get the kids back from school. I mean, that's crazy. It will not just work. So the both parties have to be reasonable.
Speaker 2:If you're partners and you've been doing well and now there's a loss, there will need to be adjustment of goals. If it's a man who's lost his job, he has to drop his ego. It's not even about about that ego thing. Partners, marriage is a partnership. So if you want it to work, you have to do what will make it work. So if you're not going out now and earning money, and this one has to go out and earn the money. Someone has to keep the home. You should be the one to keep the home, so let's be reasonable about it, you know we do not want to be friction, if we dare to be friction, then, and ensure that things work.
Speaker 2:But whatever be the case, for us to prevent economic and financial loopholes like this, let's prepare for financial resilience, because adversity will come and hit us in the face. So let's prepare. Let's have multiple sources of income, let's have investments. Some people earn a lot and eat everything up. They do not save for the rainy day. You need to save for the rainy day. You need to invest knowing that adversity will come. An example I usually give we all know that we have parents who are aging and one day we'll lose our parents. And if it's in Nigeria and Africa, you're going to spend a lot of money burying your parents. You don't wait until they die before you begin to keep that money aside. So you keep some money aside. You save for the rainy any day, knowing that you could lose a parent. You could lose a parent knowing that you know the school fees to be paid. Don't wait until the time comes when NNA is starting up, to prepare for all of this. And then they and the idea of counseling for men.
Speaker 2:I'm happy that there's more awareness. I've seen a lot of men coming to me for psychotherapy, for counseling services and all that. You know, if someone has a physical illness someone has maybe hypertension, maybe diabetes, maybe whatever kind of physical illness, be they male or female they're not ashamed to seek help, and so it's the same thing. We are not just physical beings, we are physical and emotional and spiritual beings all in one, and so if you have a mental illness, a mental health challenge, do not feel ashamed to seek help. You are a holistic being. If the physical is fine and then your mental health is not fine, then you are not fine. You are not fine.
Speaker 2:So don't be afraid to seek help, whether it's physical health or mental health assistance, counseling you need. Don't feel ashamed. Take it a step, seeking help for your mental challenges. It's actually a bold step. It's a sign of strength. So it's not a sign of weakness to seek help when you need help. So, whether you're a man or a woman, whoever you are, if you need help, seek help. It is okay not to be okay, be it not being physically okay or not being psychologically okay. It is okay not to be okay. Seek help when you need help. I think that's what I would say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you very much, Dr Blessing. That was a very, very I like the way you touched on different scenarios, on how you unpick that. I'm just also going to ask you another question based on the stigma that is attached to that word mental health. I was having a discussion with someone recently that people don't understand that everybody has got mental health. Mental health is the ability to think, make decisions with a sound mind. We've not called it mental health. Mental health is the ability to think, make decisions with a sound mind. We've not called it mental health issues. We've not called it mental health disease. It's just like when you say everybody has physical health, so mental health is that, everybody has mental health.
Speaker 1:But the moment people hear that word mental health, they resolve it to madness. But that is not what we are talking about. Please can you speak to that and just um, if you can just um, explain to us in a very simplified way, because I know I've spoken about this many times, but I want another voice to speak to this now on this platform. Just help us separate what it means, because when people are telling you to go cancel it, they're not telling you you're raving mad. They are telling you you have mental health issues, challenges with the way you are thinking based on your experiences and your challenges that you are facing right now. So you need someone to be able to help you with the right support. Like she said, if you have a broken hand, it doesn't mean you are dying. It just means that you need someone to be able to put a cast on you, to be able to make you feel comfortable and wait for you to heal. So please, if you can speak to that, god bless you.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I want to talk about counselling first of all, counselling is not for sick people. The main purpose of whether it's physically or mentally challenged people, right, the whole purpose of counseling is to help an individual maximize their potentials. So you've got potentials without counseling you may not be able to maximize, may not be able to become all that you can become. So the job of a counselor on the line, my voice, is to help all that you can become. So the job of a counsellor on the line, my words is to help you maximise your potentials. What counselling entails majorly is providing information that will help you make an informed decision. That's what counselling does majorly. And when we come to mental health, like she said, it's a state of physical, emotional and social wellbeing where you're able to make decisions. Where you're able to make decisions, where you're able to face the challenges of everyday life without breaking down, where you're able to contribute productively to society. That is what mental health is. And then we have challenges. The fact that you have a mental health challenge does not mean that you are having a psychotic case, for instance, because what we would call madness, what we call madness, actually always includes psychosis. So it does not mean that you're psychotic if you have mental health challenges. Even when you are psychotic, you still need help and with help you could become better.
Speaker 2:So everybody has challenges, you see. See, like with the word depression now, everyone feels depressed at one point in time or the other. There's nobody who has gone through their entire lifespan without ever feeling depressed. But the difference comes in the duration of time. How long do you stay depressed? For how long do you have these feelings of holiness, of sadness, of emptiness? It's not that. Have you ever felt it? If you're asking, have you ever felt it? The richest of them, the Elon Musk, the Obamas, the Name them, every person, rich or poor, powerful, we felt depressed at one point in time or the other. That does not mean we are suffering from depression. You have feelings of depression, but you're not clinically depressed. So clinical depression comes in duration, in a ratio.
Speaker 2:If you want to say we are on the continuum, you lie when it comes to a particular mental health challenge. So the fact that you're having challenges does not mean you're insane, does not mean you're psychotic, and the fact that you're not seeking mental health support does not mean that you do not have mental health challenges. We all do at one point in time or the other in our lives. When you find out that you cannot manage the mental health challenges that you're facing on your own and you know that you want to be more productive, you want to maximize your potentials, you want to live a more fulfilling life, then you seek support from people who have been trained to provide that support. There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just you being strong enough to recognize that you need help, seeking it and becoming more powerful, fulfilling your dreams and maximizing your potentials.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, daughter blessing. There is strength in vulnerability and a lot of people do not realize that, that there is a massive strength in vulnerability. It takes a lot for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable. People don't understand that. I love the way you captured it. The fact that you are seeking help does not mean your mental health is you have psychosis, and the fact that you are not seeking help does not mean that you do not have mental challenges. I love it. I love the way you put it side by side. That is really good.
Speaker 1:In the services that we do over here, we um, they have a foster, foster shelter for the, for the, for the um the victims, and they also look after their children. We can't sell the children as well, and that is one thing. Back um in in um in africa, when I was in africa that I feel that a lot of people please, because I know you work with them and I really appreciate if you can speak to this, if they are doing this now, um, if we are doing, if we are doing this now that when people go through domestic violence, they focus on the two adults and people at least speak about the children. I have spoken and I've worked with children very closely and I know that that disruption in the family do affect them the children as well. Can you please speak to that? The benefit of getting counseling for the children, uh, in order to also prioritize their mental health? And I think that's the last question for now. Okay, so absolutely.
Speaker 2:Um, like we know there's more awareness right now. Childhood experiences and the first adverse childhood experiences you will find on the list anywhere is experiencing domestic violence, when there's violence in the home, and then there will be neglect and then you know physical abuse and all other forms of abuse. So definitely these things have very, very long-term effects on the children. If we do not have children who grow up in abusive homes, we don't help them, seek help and resolve these issues, uh, they're going to have problems when they grow up, to become adults, because experiencing adverse child experiences is like it forms a background for many ailments. They are at risk of suffering from pts post-traumatic stress disorder, at risk of suffering from depression when they grow older, more at risk for anxiety disorders.
Speaker 2:And many of us have children who have been victims or who have been survivors of domestic experience, neglect, abuse, any form of abuse at all. Let's try to get them to get help. It's not about the adults. As a matter of fact, like they say also in Africa I don't know if it's in Africa, but when the elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers. So in this context, the parents are the elephants and the children are like the grass Nobody sees them, but they suffer the most.
Speaker 2:Each time couples raise their voices at each other. The children cringe on the inside. They become afraid to face society, their world is disrupted, they lose faith in other adults, they cannot trust people. They have attachment issues. A lot of issues are associated with this.
Speaker 2:So let's ensure that the children in abusive homes or in homes that have been domestic violence, or even when parents are separated, when there's divorce, that we consider the children, we consider their needs and, where possible, speak to them about how they're feeling. Speak to them about what kind of help they would need and try to help them get help. Now, not everybody might need professional help. Sometimes psychosocial support, which can be given by family members, friends, can go a long way, because actually, your level of resilience as a person will determine how much help you need to survive normally so, but at least let them acknowledge the presence of the children. Speak to them about it. Don't keep quiet about it, assuming they don't want to talk, but they want to talk about it. Talk to them about it, assuming they don't want to talk about it. Talk to them about it. Ask them where they need help, what kind of help they need and if possible, where possible, get them professional help to help them resolve the issues.
Speaker 1:Fantastic. In this podcast, we always ask people the things that they do to thrive authentically in their life, so that the viewers begin to blend from people like yourself. So if you could just quickly share, how do you ensure that you thrive authentically in your life?
Speaker 2:Well, I think the first thing was to gain self-awareness. Even as a psychologist, we know that that's one of the strengths of any individual. When you're completely self-aware, you have an objective sense of self. You know your strengths, you know your weaknesses. Then you can know your strengths. You know your weaknesses, then you can use your strengths. In sports psychology, like you know, we talk about character strengths. You can use your strengths to try, and then you can work on your weaknesses. Where the problem comes is a lot of people not acknowledge their weaknesses.
Speaker 2:So being self-aware is one of the big secrets for me. Being able to emotionally regulate, you know, learning emotional regulation and then strengthening my emotional intelligence. I think these are some of the things that have done it for me. And then, when it comes to career path, um, building skills, I always call myself a lifelong learner. Uh, if you check out my profile, you know how many courses satisfaction.
Speaker 2:I am always learning new things. So as we continue to learn about life, life becomes easier for us. We become masters in some way. But the biggest factor will be the God factor for me, because I'm a strong Christian, a strong believer in God, and I know that some of the things that I get to achieve is not because of all of the efforts that I put. The race is not to the sweet, the battle is not to the strong, but God finds a way to make everything come together, because I've seen that some people put in more effort than you do. They do all things right and sometimes it just doesn't add up. So I do all that I have to do, you know, and then I depend on God to make it come together. Thank you very much. Thank you very much, dr.
Speaker 1:Blessing for joining us today. On the podcast. I just want to say we appreciate your time, we appreciate your wealth of knowledge and, for those people that have not subscribed, if you have listened to this podcast, please comment like. Share this podcast for people in order for more people to see it. You have been listening to Authentic Driving Podcast. I remain your host, abiyahia sonia, until I come your way again. Thank you very much and bye for now. Bye.