Stop Competing, Start Collaborating

What if the story you were told about success, beat the class, top the target, outshine the room, has been holding you back from the very growth you want? We pull back the curtain on how competition sneaks into classrooms, living rooms, and boardrooms, shaping self‑worth and turning partners into opponents. From childhood rankings and repeat years to family dynamics that tie respect to money, we examine the hidden scripts that breed envy, isolation, and burnout.

Along the way, we share candid examples that show a better way. You’ll hear how two “competing” shops pooled supplier orders to cut costs and boost negotiating power without undercutting each other. We unpack collaborative property strategies used by tight‑knit communities to become homeowners faster, and why similar models stall when ego trumps trust. We explore learning styles, the harm of public comparison, and what happens when workplaces reward solo wins over shared outcomes. We also tackle competition inside faith communities and even within marriages, where control and status quietly replace respect and partnership.

This conversation doesn’t stop at critique; it maps out a practical shift. We outline clear terms for fair collaboration, credit‑sharing, and transparent promotion so no one is sidelined. We champion team‑based learning as practiced in British schools, and we call for families to honour dignity beyond wealth or marital status. If you’ve felt drained by rivalry and ready to trade scarcity for synergy, you’ll leave with grounded steps to celebrate others, protect your energy, and build something bigger together.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs a nudge toward collaboration, and leave a review telling us one partnership you’ll start this month.

Chapters

• 0:00 Waking Up To Competition Culture
• 0:41 School Rankings And Self‑Esteem
• 5:15 Nigeria’s Repeat Year And Shame
• 10:44 Sponsor Message And Community CTA
• 10:58 Comparison At Home And Learning Styles
• 11:53 Cultural Pressures And Respect Politics
• 16:55 Workplace Targets And Toxic Rivalry
• 18:19 Calling Out Envy And Scarcity
• 19:36 A Supermarket Story Of True Collaboration
• 22:56 Property Pooling: Models That Work
• 25:18 Why Collaboration Thrives Elsewhere
• 27:32 Terms, Trust, And Fair Promotion
• 29:12 Competition In Faith Communities
• 31:02 Success Stories Of Teaming Up
• 32:36 Practical Ways To Collaborate
• 35:08 British Schools And Team Learning

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

It is time we wake up. Let me happy or things. Oh, I don't want to call it anyway. You don't want to skip or the other. Is it dislike of jealousy? Is it disguise of you not want you not wanting other people to be praised? You just want you alone to be praised. We just want you alone to remain relevant. We just want you alone to be to be um to be at the top while other people are just worshipping you. It shouldn't be like that. On this episode, I am going to be speaking on how we have been taught to compete to compete with one another. This episode was inspired by Wumi. So thank you so much. Shout out to you for this inspiration. When I was in primary school, I remember that if you do not pass your exam, you are not going to move from one class to another. So let's say, for example, you're in primary one and you do end-of-year assessment. If you do not pass, you are not going to move. And not only that, it doesn't stop there. We have people being um dependent on how well you did with your assessment, you take the first position, second position, and so on and so forth. Sometimes if you are 30 people in the class, you see someone, the position might be 30 in our class. What that means is that they are the you know, they are the least performed person in our class. And in a way, that is our competition is being um incorporated into our system. That is one of the ways. Because when I remember in primary school, it was not so obvious. However, in secondary school, it was much more obvious. Whereby you and your friends, you are together, your friends, your police, and then the result day comes, and then maybe you came out as um first, and then the next person as second, third, and before you know it, it's almost as if you were hiding something from them when you were doing your revision together. And some friends do fall out after that. I remember I was always, there was a year in my first year in secondary school, I would come second, and there's this boy that will always come as first. I used to like just look at him that what do you do different that I'm not doing? That competition was already instilled gradually into us. And those people that do not even come close to the first five or the first ten, they see themselves as inferior, they see themselves as not good enough, it rob them of their self-esteem. And before you know it, unknowingly, the class is being divided based on how brilliant they are. You will see those that they call them efficos, those people that are bookworms in some places, they give them names, and they are the ones they are friends together, they will anger together, they will play together. Then the ones that maybe in the middle, they will also anger together. Then the ones that do not academically, they are not very sound, they will also anger together. And before you know it, if there is any fallout, any conflict in the class, you will see those that are see themselves that they are the bright ones. They are together, they are the ones that when you talk to them, they are speaking all these baby grammars and all of that stuff. And those that are not doing well academically, sometimes they are really quick to their fist. They will fight you. Yes, you might be academically sound, but since they know that they are not academically sound, what what that results of, it makes them very, very angry and furious. And before you know it, fight will break out in school and they are fighting with one another. We in a way we are taught to compete. Because now these children feel like, okay, this person is better than me. So they are easily provoked sometimes. They are so easily provoked, and you are wondering, what did I say? What did I do that you are threatening to meet me up when I'm going home to beat me up? What did I even say to you? What did I do to you? And you'll be you'll be wondering. So when we look at this, we realize that from school, this culture is already there where we are competing. And God help one of those people that are not doing really well. If they fail, and then they are set to move ahead and then go to the next class, and they are told to stay back. Now their juniors is not in the same class as them. Now, this system that I'm referring to is in Nigeria. I don't know if they are still using it now, but I know when I was in Nigeria, that was a system that was they were using. There are some people, they just give up, they are tired because people that were once their junior and maybe their younger ones, their younger siblings, is one of those that is not in the same class as them. They've losed their respect, there is shame, there is loss of self-confidence, and some people never recover from this. They never recover from this, they just give up. What's the point? I'm in the same class with my younger sibling. What's the point of me even trying? On the other hand, for some people, it it kind of wakes them up from their slumber, like, no, I can do better. I must not remain in the same class, and then another of my younger ones will not meet me here again. So they will start reading up, and then before you know it, they start soaring. But in most of the cases that I saw, let's say 90%, they lose their self-confidence, they become really angry children, they become really defiant, they become really stubborn and unruly, and they just give up on themselves even before the people. Maybe about 10% will be inspired to wake up and then start studying and move forward. So when this child does not pass enough, they keep them in that class and then they promote the others to the next class. If they don't do well again, they promote the others to the other class, and then the name calling will start. You are you are these very undignified names start coming out of either the parents, the student, the friends that would that used to be classmates, and because friends would call you names, so old classmates, and even people in the school, even the teachers, they don't even make matters easy for them. So these are the very, very subtle ways that we begin to learn that, yeah, we have to compete, we have to do things to make us look as if we are doing better than the others. Another setting where this is being um where where this is very common is at home. So your child, one of them is very academically sound, while the other one is very hands-on, and before you know it, you are competing. Why can't you just be like your brother? Your brother is always this, your brother is always that, your brother is very easy-going, your brother will always come on with the best results, and you are just disgracing us. How can you fail the subject? How can you do this? We'll forget that we are all built differently. There are some people in some subjects, they just struggle with it. It's not like they are dull. Perhaps they are not teaching them in the way they learn better. So it is our duty, because now that I've you know traveled and I've seen that it's not one way to learn. We don't always have to, because most educational systems that I went through when I was younger, you have to cram these things, you have to know it, you have to recite it, you have to say it over and over again for you to um be able to just give it back to the teacher the way they gave it to you. Sometimes you don't even understand this. This is why some of us don't remember what was taught to us in in secondary school, what was taught to us, because we did not understand it. We only just cram it and then we give it back to the teacher the way it was taught to us. And then you say you are excelling. Okay? So that competition is there at home. You are competing, you are you are comparing. So comparison is another seed that breeds competition amongst people, amongst siblings. So imagine someone in school, you are not academically sound, maybe you were made to stay back while others were promoted to the next class. And at home, you get home, then your parents is not the teachers have done theirs, your parents have done theirs. You get home, and then your parents are not also comparing you with maybe even your younger brother or your sister, that you are no do good, right? That where were you? It's not the same school, it's like I'm wasting my money. So, as parents, we have to be really careful on how we are um supporting our children because at the end of the day, they might come from the same parents, but their destiny, their level of learning, their way they understand, the way they process things is so different. Some people are visual, some people are highly visual, some people are very kinesthetic, they want to be answered, some people are very auditory. Why there's even audio digital, right? So there is always different way people are learning. But unfortunately, in school, people do not have time, teachers do not really have the time to start diving into how you how you understand things or how you don't understand things. They expect you to follow the process and then just give back and answer those questions and just understand it somehow. Without the patience, some people actually need one-to-one in order for them to be able to secure that learning. So people have to learn, read, and write it out, and then they will begin to understand. That's the way I learn faster. I read, I write it out, I begin to understand, I start teaching it back to myself, and then I understand it. So imagine a child that has been through ridicule in school, as they come home, there's comparison. That child will be taught very, very well that you have to compete in order for you to survive, in order for you to be noticed. This episode is sponsored by ASAP Consultancy, a whole personal transformation for the mind, body, and soul. If you are ready to write, move away from depression, feel with anxiety, live from traumatic emotional pain, and live with confidence in the quality, for you to move from surviving to thriving. Why don't you visit our website www.asebconsultancy.com. We'll support you through counseling, life coaching, and other trauma recovery programs, grief courses, and it will even offer one-at-a-time therapy. All of these services is available virtually. So you do not even have any excuse of saying you do not want to leave your home. You have everything from the comfort of your home will support you to move from surviving to thriving. Before you go, have you subscribed yet? Like, share, and comment on what resonates with you so far on this episode. If you have not done so, why don't you just click that button now? Thank you. Back to the program now. In another culture where we our culture, as well as Africans, kind of tell us that you have to compete in order for you to be sane, you have to compete in order for you to be relevant, you have to compete in order for you to be accepted sometimes, in order for you to be respected. Africans love to be respected, Africans love to be accepted, just like every other human being. So this, yeah, I might be talking more from the concept of Africans because this is what I've seen. Because it bugs me sometimes that why do Africans love to compete with one another? They absolutely love to compete with one another. Collaboration is such a big deal for Africans because before you are working with someone, before you know what's going on, they've changed the terms of the agreements, they've gone against it, they've flipped things over. It is so difficult to get to find an African person that you can collaborate with, and the terms of condition and terms of um engagement will remain the same. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there are no people that you can collaborate with that are Africans, but I just noticed that majority of Africans love to compete with one another rather than collaborate. So from the school system, I can see is one of the places that it stands from. From families, it also stands from there from the cultural side of things. We have these things that people now call black tax, whereby if you once you are established, you are supposed to be sending money home, you are supposed to be helping people that are less privileged than yourself. That on its own is sometimes breed entitlement mentality. That is another title for another podcast, but on this, is we are focusing on why people feel the need to compete is the cultural side, whereby you see that someone is very, very wealthy in their family, right? And this person, there might be about five siblings in the family, and before you know it, and before you know it, you'll see that this person, there might be five in their family, and then the youngest is the one that is very, very wealthy, and before you know it, the father, the mother, even uncles and aunties, they will start referring to that person as if he's the senior of the family. If they want to hold meetings, if this youngest is not seated, everybody will have to wait, even though the oldest is there, even though the time is being wasted and not honored, everybody will nobody is going to feel offended because this one is the money back. Everybody will wait for this person. You will wait because it will not be the one that will make the decisions in the family, will be the one that people will reverence, will be the one that people will respect. The person that if you do not contribute in any discussion in the family, nothing is going to be done. So, what do you expect the oldest to do? Of course, it's gonna see that as a competition, it's gonna see that as this person because you are not the money bag of the family, then we are competing. We are competing in who is oldest. My place is no longer relevant. That's the way this person is going to feel. So at the end, again, your culture is teaching you that you have to compete. Your school educational system is teaching you you have to compete. Your family members, the people that are supposed to be your role murder, they are telling you you have they are comparing you with people in the family that are doing better than you. That will definitely bring competition, and then you go to work. So, for example, you are in a place whereby there's a target on your performance, and this is linked to your promotion. What do you think the colleagues are going to be doing? Of course, there are going to be dogs eating dogs everywhere, of course, the culture is going to be toxic, the environment is going to be toxic because each matter is own. Everybody wants to see as a person that is meeting their target and even exceeding their target. They want to do well, they want to be recognized by the bosses at the top, they want to be recognized as the person that is bringing all that is required for the business to grow in. And the person that is not doing well, we end up being jealous, we end up being um showing as in start um doing different things that will not make them get go well together, they will stop getting along. So there are so many areas whereby we are encouraged, we are taught, we are enabled to compete with one another. It is there, the society we encourage it, the family we encourage it, the work system will encourage it, the school system will encourage it. So, how then are we going to stop this? I am sure if you listen carefully, one at least of the story will resonate with you. Will resonate with you. Now you are doing business and you see someone that is doing similar business as you, you begin to see them as a competitor. You don't want to even hear them, you find ways to sabotage them. There are people that have collaborated to do businesses together. At the end of the day, one of them will clone the other person's business model and then add it to their services. And before you know it, that collaboration falls apart. And the person that has betrayed is our brother or sister will show no remorse. If anything, they will start fighting you, and they will want to tarnish your name and your image. It is time that we wake up, it is time that we stop this comparing mentality, it is time that we stop this scarcity mentality. You see, the moon is just one up there, but it shines on all of us. A candle that lights another does not mean that candle is gonna go out, it just means that that candle will light another, and that other candle will light another, and that other candle will light another. And whenever the light of the first candle goes out, there are thousands more candles that will be queuing to light it up. It is time we wake up and stop blaming different people for the things. Oh, I don't want to collaborate with this person, you are using one excuse or the other, which is in disguise as envy, is this is a disguise of uh jealousy, is a disguise of you not want you not wanting other people to be praised, you just want you alone to be praised, you just want you alone to remain relevant, you just want you alone to be to be um to be at the top while other people uh are are just worshiping you. It shouldn't be like that. Let me discuss the benefits of collaborating. When we collaborate, if one person can reach 1,000, imagine if five people collaborate, then we can reach about 5,000 people. And if we are trying to draw an awareness to something, imagine instead of drawing awareness to 1,000, we are not drawing the awareness to 5,000 people. So when we collaborate, our resources can reach more. I remember when I used to have an African supermarket, and there's another lady that had an African supermarket, she was awesome. A lot of people were thinking that we are not going to talk to one another. But it was when I started a business, I started talking to this lady. I was shocked. She did not see me as a competitor. What we used to do, I will add similar suppliers. And some of those suppliers, if you do not order up to about, let's say, 1,000 pounds, they will not supply you the goods. And another thing, they will not give you a fair price for you to be able to remain relevant in the market and where your prices are not too expensive. So what we used to do, she knew other um people that had African supermarkets in other areas as well. So what happened is that she will collect their orders, that's two other supermarkets, she will bring her orders and she will add my order to it. Now that's now four African supermarkets ordering together. And when we order together, we'll get a good price, we have good negotiation power because now we have more money, because our resources have been brought together. And when the things arrive, they will either bring it to our shop or they'll bring it to my shop, the person who orders it, because sometimes I place the order and I collect their orders as well. So if they bring it to my shop, everybody will come to my shop and then come and take what you ordered. And that was it. So we're able to work together in a very collaborative way. And as an on art, through other collaboration, throughout the time I was running that supermarket, we did not have any problem. I was so proud of us. I was super proud of us. And today we still talk. Now, if I want to get African things, African ingredients, I will go to our shop and I will patronize her because she proved to be trustworthy. She was a beautiful, beautiful person to do business with. Give them a few years. Before you know it, those people will become homeowners. How do they do it? They will collectively use their money to pay for very minimal rent. They will put their money together, and before you know it, they will have a deposit to go and get a mortgage. One person will get it. And they might put house in rent. So more money is coming because now, even though they have a mortgage, they will put tenants there and they will still stay together. And then they will buy another one now that's a second property, and they will still remain there. They'll put that with a 10 or put a tenants in there again. They will buy the third property. It is even then they will now leave where they were staying renting, and each person will go. And in many cases, I've heard of Asians scarrying on with that to keep on buying properties, and now they have their own properties. And before you know it, they will use that model to buy more properties and they'll put in at there. They all become homeowners, but they also become business people that have rental properties that they are doing as a business model. Now, would that stop them from working? No. Will that stop them from doing other businesses? No. They will carry on, but they will start flourishing. But if you bring this idea to an African person and say, Oh, let's stay together. No, everybody wants to be prideful. I want to rent my own house. I want to live a very flashy life. They'll go and get the latest car, then they will get the latest of everything. Everybody wants to be the boss. Nobody wants to work together. Everybody wants to look good. Nobody wants to look good together with their fellow brothers and sisters. We need to start collaborating our resources, our skills, our talent without sabotaging one another. I've seen people in businesses too, whereby your business complement one another, they work together. They work together, and when they work together, they have and agree terms, and everybody honors that term. Nobody sabotage, nobody runs the other person out of business. And I'm afraid it was not African either. It was the Asians as well. The Jews, they do that as well. The Jews, they do that as well. They use similar models as well. But we, whether it's our slavery mentality that is still affecting us, I did a podcast on how the slavery mentality is still there post-slave trade. It's still very much there. We see each other as competitors, we compare, we want to show off, we don't trust one another, we want to um ruin each other's names. The ones that collaborate, I've collaborated with beautiful people, and I was so glad that I collaborated with them. I've collaborated with people that they wouldn't even want to advertise your products. Even the product that you are both collaborating together with, they wouldn't want to advertise it. They just want to advertise just their business, and yours will just be on the background. They don't even want to touch it. So if I'm going on a journey with you for business purpose, surely if we are doing advert, both our businesses should be at the forefront, not one person's business. So we have to be very, very careful to have terms of our collaboration. So forget what we're taught in schools, that you have to take first, second, third, or fourth, or fifth for you to be the smart one in school. Forget what the parents were saying, comparing with your brother or your sister. Forget the culture at work whereby you have to be set a target and you have to then compete with your colleague for you to be able to get a promotion. Forget what is said in different places. Even in religious organizations, there is competition. There's laws of you know competing with one another. This person sings better than me. This person sings better than that, and before you know it, they are gossiping one another in a religious body as well. They're trying to sabotage one another. That is not the spirit of God, that is not still Buddhtu spirit. Buntu means we have to work together, we support one another for no selfish reason. What do you think? Do you think we have been taught to compete in a very sublime way? And right now it is showing up in our workplace, it is showing up in our community. When I see the things that people are doing together, don't see, don't get this twisted. There are some people, some Africans that are working well together. I interviewed a lady, and when she told me the things that she has done as an African woman that is running a charity in the United Kingdom, I was super proud of her. And the way she talked, my team, my team, my team, she was talking. I collaborated with other charities, about 10 other charities, and then we've done amazing things. And this is not just stalking. I have seen the things that they've done, and people, our people, and even other people have benefited from this. So when we work together in collaboration, it is absolutely amazing. When we stop thinking that I have to do my brother or my sister over in order for me to sower, if we stop that corrupt mindset, we'll begin to sower together. So the way forward, learn to collaborate without doing anybody over, stick to the terms of the collaboration. It should be mutually benefiting to both of you, not one person using another. We need to learn to just complement other people without competing with them. You can compliment them. One person is a coach, and another person might be something else. Maybe they are very, very good as um recording things, a technical person, then work together with them in order for you to deliver an awesome awesome product out there. There is no need for you to want to be like them or you want them to be like you. It doesn't work like that. Parents, we need to stop comparing our children. They are different. They might be from you, but they are so different, and their destiny is so different. We need to start learning that our children learn in different ways. Their personality and their characters are very, very different. Their rate of progress is also very, very different. Teachers, you need to start encouraging students to work together as a team. This is one beautiful thing I love about the British schools. I notice that there's a lot of collaboration. There is no first, second, third, or any position whatever in the British educational system. And even if you did not do well in all your subject, you will move on, but it will set a target for you to be able to cover that gap when you move to the other class. You are not held behind, and your self-esteem is still in that. You don't lose your self-confidence. Most of their work is done in collaboration as a teamwork, whereby either you pair review people's work or you work together as a team where you're doing presentation, you're working together as a team, you are learning people's skills, you are learning how to resolve conflicts, you are learning how to lead, you are learning leadership skills. So this is how they teach them in the British educational system. Maybe other countries need to learn from that that we don't need to compete with all those positions. Family members, it doesn't matter who is more wealthy. A birthright is a birthright. An elder is an elder. If the first person is born, is the oldest in the family and they are still very much alive, you must not disrespect them because they don't have enough money as the baby of the family or as the youngest of the family. Your position should not be threatened because you are not economically stable or because you are not economically um vibrant. It shouldn't be like that. Your birthright should be respected, except you sold your birthright for porridge, just like uh they did in the Bible. So we have to be really, really careful, you know, and then there is another one again whereby the oldest, the youngest got married before the oldest. And then that's another competition again. You begin to see the way parents will be treating the one that is not married like a baby. Where do all of these things come from? Why do we do this to ourselves? Our destiny is different. We mustn't disrespect people because of money, we mustn't disrespect people because of status, they are not marital status, we mustn't disrespect people because they don't have enough skills as the other person. Everybody's skills is valuable, is relevant. That skills they are despising. When you need it, you will know that it is so important. So we need to have a growth mindset. When we have a fixed mindset, we are greedy. Some elders in the family are so greedy. They are greedy. Just because someone is giving you some money, you begin to respect them more than the oldest. And when there are things to be sorted in the family, you disregard people's opinion, people's suggestion, and you hold on to the money back's suggestion because they are giving you so much more money. We just lose ourselves. I've learned to recognize that being an elder sometimes, some people don't have wisdom with it. They don't have wisdom with it, they are just getting old, but their wisdom they refuse to activate it. And they are they use some biases. So we have to behave as the elder. There are parables that an elder cannot be at home, and then she goes to give better on his own. So we have to learn to respect people. We have to stop this competition. This is why a lot of things are going wrong. I see so many skilled people, and they are friends with another person that is skilled, and you can see very well that their talent complement one another. And it makes me wonder why can't you work together? Even the competition amongst husband and wife, you don't know it exists. The woman is anymore, and before you know it, the man will just be looking at the woman in a way. Or sometimes the woman becomes prideful. It's as if you are wherever you are going, for example, on holiday destination, the man will not be the one to choose the destination. You'll just be the one that will decide, and everybody will follow. You don't take into um, you don't ask the children or your spouse where they want to go. You just make other decisions. That is wrong. The fact that you are anymore, the fact that you're in a better position, doesn't mean the rule of nature should be swept under the carpet. We need to follow things in the right way. The way forward, collaboration of resources, collaboration of time. In short, collaboration, healthy collaboration. We need to be consistent and just tell the truth where it should be. We need to learn to celebrate other people. When you learn to celebrate other people, you will not compete against them because you allow their shine to shine without dimming your own shine, without feeling insecure that your shine has come to an end. We need to also learn to be content and be and feel fulfilled with what we have and who we are part time because where you are right now is not where you're going to be tomorrow. So follow your own process and focus on your focus. Do you know that competition can drain your energy? It can make you make some weird and impulsive, envious decision that can ruin lives, including yours. It is high time we wake up. Competition is demonic, it is evil. There is nothing good that comes out of competing with one another. I'm not talking about competition in games, I'm talking about competition in life. We ought to stay clear from it, irrespective of what we're taught in schools, irrespective of what our families say out of ignorance, irrespective of the culture, the words, and all other things. We need to be really, really careful about that. I hope this podcast has helped you to realize that there is no need to compete, there is no need to be envious of people, there is no need for us to lose our empathy or bring destruction to others in order for you to soar. My name is Abia Sonia.