The Strong Black Woman Trap: Hidden Patterns Hurting Your Mental Health

The people who make everyone laugh can be the closest to breaking. We talk with Oby Dike, a lawyer, about what happens when you wear too many hats and start believing you’re not allowed to fail: firstborn pressure, motherhood, marriage strain, career setbacks, and the quiet shame of “not being where you should be”. 

Obi shares how depression and chronic stress crept in gradually, not as one dramatic moment, but through years of over-responsibility, saviour mentality, and always being the reliable one. We unpack the warning signs that are easy to miss: withdrawing from family, losing joy in what used to feel natural, snapping at small things, and carrying a public smile while feeling hopeless inside. If you care about mental health, inner harmony, resilience, and burnout recovery, this conversation puts real words to what so many people live through silently. 

We also explore what helped her start healing: finding a safe person to speak to, learning to receive support without feeling like a “charity case”, rebuilding confidence after career knocks, and using practical tools like exercise, journalling, and intentional connection. Faith shows up here too, not as a performance, but as a lifeline, including the quiet moment she describes as hearing a tiny voice saying “look up”. 

If any part of this sounds familiar, don’t wait until it becomes unbearable. Listen, share it with someone who needs a gentle nudge, and subscribe, rate, and leave a review so more people can find these stories and feel less alone.

Transcript

nger, Guilt, And Pressure

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I was angry at myself. I felt I failed myself. I felt I'd failed my parents. I felt I failed my siblings. I felt I failed my child. I felt I failed the world. I was angry with God.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

On this episode of Authentic Triumph Podcast, we are going to be interviewing. I said we because I'm inviting you the audience into this for us to, you know, I'm trying to get into your mind that if the audience was right in front of us, what question would they ask? So this is why I use we. So like I always said, I bring you very interesting guests that speak about themselves and speak about their journey, and we just explore things together. So today I've got with me Obi DK. She wears too many hearts, but I think I would leave her to explain to us what she does. Introduce herself. So thank you so much, Obi, for you know accepting to be a guest and this week. So please, can you introduce yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Thank you so very much. I call you Coach Sonia, Coach Abias. Thank you so very much for having me on podcasts, and I'm so elated to be here. It's finally my turn. I think I've evaded this a while, but then this is just the right time. And a happy new year to you, and a happy new year to all every to all the audience as well. Everyone who will be watching this, whatever time of the year you watch, it is still a happy new year to you. That's right. So I am Miss Obdk, Obiagiri, full name. So by my name, you know I'm Igbo from the eastern part of Nigeria. Um, a mother of one, a lawyer by profession. Um, practiced for a while, uh, but then the core of my experience has been in the financial, in the legal corporate financial sector. Um, I'm currently working in the financial sector um within the UK um in the capacity of an internal auditor compliance and conduct. Um, that's in terms of my career. Um I've been working, like I went to law school in 2002. I finished law school in 2004. So that makes me uh 2004, so that's way over 21 years. By the calendar, I'm 22 years, by the legal calendar, I'm 22 years at the bar. So um, I'm a girl child advocate. Um, as much as I'm I'm a mom to a boy, to a teenager, 14-year-old going on 19, like I say. Um the grocery first, but I'm a girl child advocate. Still, I found myself also delving into speaking for the boy child as well, particularly knowing that that's not um that's not a voice, that's not an old, that's that's not a voice that's kind of like popular around because the boys as you are expected to wear a particular hat, but generally I'm a girl child advocate and I'm staring into the world of the boy child as well. I in the words of my sister, Dr. Gichidiki, I fight for justice, whichever way, not necessarily in the book, but more like I do not like any form of injustice. That's why I love to speak up for people, I love to encourage people, I love to dance. Um, I love to sing, I act drama a lot. You decide so basically it's just my own way of relaxing. If I wasn't a lawyer, if I wasn't a corporate person, I probably would be, I most likely would be in the entertainment space, not just for the fun of entertainment, entertaining, but also edutainment because there's a lot we can actually learn from entertainment. I have learnt a lot. I've also in the course of my entertaining myself as well. I've found other people have been educated even from entertaining myself. So I that's a lot about me. I'm sure there's a lot to me that even coach has rabble, but that's as much about me.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Okay, interesting. Thank you so so much. Um, I think she uh one interesting fact I want you all to know is that she can speak two of the main languages in Nigeria, she speaks Europea and Igbo very fluently, and if they add outside to it on Nigeria, so anyway, I just thought I would show that the European okay, really?

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Wow, okay. So I understand in terms of speaking, the Europa is evil.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Oh wow, what an irony, funny book girl. Okay, let's move

eet Obi DK And Her Work

SPEAKER_02 4:42

on. So we have been exploring things, you know. I'm big on inner harmony, and I have a book, Inner Harmony, Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnout. So we're gonna be exploring things today, or things that can hinder our inner harmony, you know. And I would like to just ask you first have you ever experienced a feeling whereby you feel like you're stuck or you're trapped, uh, or you feel like you are stuck in a pattern that is not really great for you per se. Have you ever experienced that? Because I've noticed that that's one of the things that can affect our inner harmony.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Absolutely. Um, yeah, it's reading your book and all about the book and all. So I know we've had this conversation, but personally, have I? Absolutely. Um, and I I dare to say most of us will have. Um it's all about how we are the consciousness and awareness of it, and then how it's been handled. So to answer your question, yes, I have been. Um in a few occasions, but particularly one outstanding. So yeah, I don't know how much you want me to go into detail at this point, but yeah. But to answer your question, yes, I have been, it's overwhelming.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

Yeah, okay, it was overwhelming, overwhelming, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Yeah, yeah. I don't know whether to say life threatening, but that's the description overwhelming to the point of it being life-threatening. So almost like a state of hopelessness, isn't it? Absolutely within myself, yes, that's how I felt.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

But you are a jolly good fellow, you are happy, you are obedient, you know, you will hype people, you are the life and the soul of the gathering, you are confident. So, for people that will hear this for the first time, I'm like, uh-uh, obi is confident, obi is bubbling, obi is outgoing, obi is as spoken. She says she has experience feeling stuck to get to a state of hopelessness.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Yes, absolutely. That's my personality. I was gonna say that was my personality, but I I'm claiming I'm claiming that um, I'm claiming me, I'm claiming me back, I'm claiming my person back. So you can imagine me trying to use the word was to describe myself, but I said that was my personality. Um, but that is me, you're right, you're absolutely correct. But then the thing is, I'll I don't want to say people with my kind of personality, but I will speak for myself. So if people fall into that category, they'll understand. But really, people with my kind of personality, it's easy to think we've got it all figured out, yes. And um, in my own in my case, like I said, because I entertain when people see me dancing, I could that could be my lowest. You understand? That could be near my lowest, yeah. So but then there I am dancing, but you see me singing like I used to be in the choir in the my former church, and there are times you know, when I'm leading, I'm crying. A lot of people love she's lost in worship and they're blessed, but really I'm crying from a place of pain. There are times I have led worship and I felt like, yeah, the crying was a bit temporary relief. Um, but it was more like if only people can see my pain that here and people tell me your ministration was a blessing to me, but I didn't feel blessed because my heart was heavy. Wow, you know, more like I'm angry with God, angry with myself, but was an avenue for me to just let out. So, yeah, people with my kind of personal bubbly here and there, um the life I was gonna use the word worse again, the life of the party. That's for you to know that it's still a journey for me, you know. Here, bubbly to some, she's still loud to some. Oh, she's so friendly, but that's just me. But it was also easy for me to kind of like mask all of that unconsciously, it wasn't conscious to mask all of it within my personality, yeah. Yeah, so it's hard to see, but then it is there, it is there, it's so dangerous, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Yeah, for people that are out there, we think is those that are quiet, reserved, and need checking on the ones that are bubbling, the ones that are friendly, the ones that we do

eeling Stuck Behind A Smile

SPEAKER_02 9:23

want to check out check on you, they require checking on. I'm just wondering as in you can share what you're comfortable with, but would you like to talk us through oh yeah, absolutely?

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Um, just uh circle back to the point we we just talked about now before I go into detail in terms of people with my kind of personality, even in the midst of being out there, um, just when you mentioned about the people who check on people, um I still I kind of like withdrew, stopped doing the things I used to do subconsciously, you understand? Like um, if there was someone to check on family members, wherever they are, because my family, my family is all over the world, you know. But I found my it, I didn't even find myself was actually a cousin that drew attention to it. Like they've not heard from me or something, and I'm like, okay, I didn't even check on it, was more accusatory. Like, you didn't check on me, you didn't check on me, and I'm like, okay, did you check on me? Do you know how I was feeling? You know, this is a cousin that I thought was were kind of close, you know, so I could actually challenge the person back, you know. But I also had instances where family gatherings, I'm there, I have to be there. You know, that's not my point. But I found the things that usually that not come to me naturally, me not finding joy in them. I don't want to be among family, I don't want to be with family. And I also had um a family friend, no, no, a relative, not a family friend, I dare to say a cousin, actually said obvious full of herself. That's why she doesn't want to interact with the family. It was a statement that, yeah, you know, and it was sad because I didn't address it because for me it was like a cry for help, but it wasn't seen as a cry of for help.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

If you don't mind, just post it if I just post it there. What was what was your cry for help?

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Just in case it was a silent cry for help, like you don't understand, like so.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Your silence, your withdrawal, yes, and all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Now I know it was a cry for help. I didn't know it was a cry for help. You understand, you know, because you're like this family member is doing 10th birthday. Um, I'm there, I'm gone with my child. I don't even understand. This person is doing this, and they're all coordinating as much as I can, and you know, like that's just me. Because funny enough, this is a trait I picked from my father. Yeah, like that's just like I want to see my is a very social. That's the one that brings people around. So even yeah, even when I went their sneakers and all that, she wants to take over and all of that. You know, that's just me. I love having family around, yeah. You know, I grew up with family to the point where he's got his positives and his negatives. You understand? So withdrawing, like I said, I can put a name to it now as a cry for help. I didn't know that was what it was then, yeah. You know, like the things that came naturally to me, I just didn't want to be in the midst of people anymore. You understand? I wasn't attending family gatherings like I would, you know, it wouldn't even cross my mind to even want to take time off work to go, you understand. Like before, I'd already, even if it's a last minute thing, you understand that, but then rather than people saying as this is quite unlike this person, yeah, who was interpreted to be something else, and I think that just also had to do with perception, how people just want to perceive you when people draw conclusions about you, you know, standard set, you know. Yeah, so that's that just to address that in terms of my personality, so yeah, in terms of what made me hit rock bottom.

he Hats We Wear And Fear

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Um, I'll say for me, I've won the hat of um of a wife. I've won the I wear the hat, I still wear the hat to the grace of God of a mother. Um, I wear the hat of a daughter. I'm the firstborn of five, five biologically, but six. Um, I'm the first daughter, and I dare to say I'm the four I'm the first daughter of my parents, I'm the first daughter of my grandparents. That means my grandparents are the wife. So I wear a hat, and I have I also wear the hat of where I feel because of all these other hats I wear, a hat of you cannot afford to fail. You can't afford to let those coming behind you down. Now, that is a hat I put I gave myself to wear. Of course, there's an expectation of you, you know. Of course, as the elder sister, I'm an older sister as well. I'm an aunt, and too many, you know. So, but that hat of you can't afford to fail. Yeah, um, coming from I'm Nigerian, I'd said coming from back home from yeah, to the glory of God, relatively comfortable background. Comfortable, actually, I'm not apologetic about that from a comfortable background, even as a single lady working, I was okay by myself, you understand. So, where to the glory of God, where I could step in, you know, to some responsibilities. Of course, I'll call him my money back, or whatever my father calls that you know that's not my point, but like you know, that kind of like things didn't have to grind to a halt, maybe because my parents are traveled or something, you know. Yeah, I could step up and claim back. I need to put that down. My dad is a very proud is a very prodigal man, so and I'll claim back, you understand. So that had been like my I'm the head, I need to keep being that, I need to be there. It wasn't like day, my siblings kind of no, no, no, no, wanted a drew drew for me. It was just like I said, that was a hat I gave myself. I think it's come from a sense of responsibility, yeah. Um, yeah, so that's I gave that background, just to understand my kind of personality, and then I have this fear of failure. Fear of failure of I want to get it right, yeah. I have to get it right. You understand? I don't want to fail. Some have the fear of success, I have a fear of failure. You understand? Like, so yeah, it could say it could it could be a strength as much as it's a weakness, but I've honed that so much that my marrying that with my personality could be misconstrued a lot. Now, I'm not painting myself a sense we've all got our flaws. That's why I've had I had to highlight that as in I'm someone that can fight you for your good, if you know what I mean. I don't mind you hating me for your good. So if I see something is good for you, or like, yeah, you're going in the wrong direction, you know, it's for your good, not my good. As in, be at loggerheads with me, you are not going to put your that leg will not enter into that pit. Yeah, you understand? At the point in time, you may not see it, you may pick me as an enemy afterwards, but the satisfaction I would derive is you didn't enter that pit. Yeah, someone has translated it to be I have saved your mentality. Like I feel like I can't see that. Could they be right? Could they be wrong? This is me taking taking accountability of that if that's the way it's been portrayed, but the intentions may be right, you understand, but the outcome the way it's been portrayed. So I say all of this without going into some more details in terms of my the relationships I've had with people, even in the course of marriage and all that. But in the course of all my relationship with people, I it got to the point where I even had to take a whole lot of things like things. If I wasn't close to you, I address it heads-on. I'm not one that know that sweeps issues on the carpet. I like addressing issues, tackling it heads-on. If I pause on it, that means I value that relationship so much. I'm like, okay, my outburst may not be right, but I will definitely still address it. But I found myself taking a whole lot of insults, betrayals, even to the point of it getting to my kid. My son has asked me one day, Mommy, do you love this person much more than me? This person said this to me just because I didn't want to offend this person. Yeah, that's not that sounds a bit contradictory, I know, but you know, and then I had to kind of like take a reality check. But for me, all of this was as a result of everything that carried on in me, the struggles I had with me, and I felt there's just one person I could speak to, not knowing this person was kind of like backbiting, so to say. Um, it wasn't I wasn't speaking from you know, you just want an avenue where you could talk where you can talk.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

That's right, that's right.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

But you know, everyone's got their life. She was in medical school at that period in time, you know. So there's only so much, and then you've got by she picks your call, you're lucky, you understand. Not because she's got your call, but she's got her life as well. Yeah, she's got academics, she's got a lot. It's not easy being a medical house, and it's not easy being in the medical field. And for my sister, I know I'm talking about my sister now, medicine is her own ministry. Um to say, so it's beyond just a profession. So, you know, just wanting an outlet, like a system.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

So, what I hear you say, what I hear you say that is that you got into that stick state of being stuck or feeling stuck as a result of your expectation, as a result of you having the ability to want to save and help people, but as a result also of wanting to manage certain um status. Now, not status, I'm gonna explain that. You know, when you said you were a mother, a wife, and you're a daughter, you are this, you're that, you're that. But there are expectations around all of those titles. So, what I hear you say is that wanting to be able to preserve all of those things and see show up as a result, you you put up with certain things, yes, to keep certain relationships, to keep certain status, absolutely just carry on, absolutely, certainly you put it exactly as it is.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

So, um, yeah, so in all of that, in all of I was there's a lot going around me, you know, the expectation, like I said, from all the hats I've I wear and the one I gave myself to wear as well.

liding Into Depression Unnoticed

SPEAKER_01 20:05

So, over time, the pressure of life, having come from a corporate background, having to start all over again, you know. And there was something I think I used this word, I can't remember. I know I used this word, I can't remember who exactly I used it. So now it's like I'm not the charity case. Actually, my yeah, I remember. I think my siblings came together. Funny enough, they do this thing. I I think I heard a few years after it had been done, so there was some things going on in the family, like, yeah, we need to kind of like pull phones for some things and all, not like I think like for relatives and all that. And I didn't hear about I didn't even know this person was ill. You understand? So they did it so well out of care and concern for me. That's it. Obvi's got her issues she's dealing with. Yeah, and one of my siblings was like, Oh, I'll take up Obby's shares of share of it. Yeah, now on a good day when you hear that, you should be like, Oh, yeah, they care about me. Yeah, but for me, I felt like, oh no, I'm a charity case, I should be the one doing this, I should be the one doing. I don't even understand what I'm saying. But on my mind, I heard this years later. Imagine how I would have felt if it was that period, yeah. But that's all part of also, you know, um, not until actually 2024, and my sister had to clip my ear. Obby, learn to receive. Oh, yes, because I felt I just have to be the one doing the giving and giving and giving and giving, you know. So there was a lot I was going through on there, that period, having been up there and then having to start again, you know. Um, well, I won't say up there, but you know what I mean, a comfortable level, yeah. Um, and then having to start again, even starting again, a lot of things I could have done, a lot of qualifications I could have done. You know, I just found myself, and then here I am and seeing my calling, not comparison, but there's a healthy, there's a healthy admiration. I don't want to use the word comparison or competition, but here you see your my colleagues doing well. You know, and they're like, if I was in this environment, I could be this, I could have been this, I could also not be here. You understand? But then, yeah, so seeing all this, and I know that yes, my not achieving that is not because I don't want to, it's because of the circumstances around me. I didn't realize that was pushing me gradually into depression. Now I can articulate it and call it depression. I didn't know that was what it was. I was snappy, I just wanted things to work. I could see avenue for things to work, but where I found myself in a situation where um I was working alone, I wasn't working in sync, not due to a full 100% fault of mine, but without going into more details, that's it. Yes, that's that was a relationship I found myself in. More like it seemed like I could see this vision buying to my vision, or what vision do you have? Let's buy into it. But it was kind of heavy. Now, did I handle it 100% right? No, knowing what I know now, there are different ways they understand, but that was the best I could give my understanding to achieve what I thought was the best, you know. Yeah, a lot, you know, I felt drained, a lot. I felt like I was giving, I was being milked, but at each stage in time, I still had to show up, I was still showing up, I was still being wearing all the hats, yeah. Um, and with all due respect and admiration to my family, there was minimum minimal minimal stress or pressure from my family. Absolutely. In fact, I can say next to zero pressure from my family. Um, and I when I say my family, I mean the family I heal from, yeah. So um, yeah, so all of that deepened, you know, you have to deal with visa issues, you have to deal with having to do be a mother. I I think putting words into it, I had post pattern, I didn't even realize I had post pattern because I still had to show up. Mine may not have been like kind of like that severe, yeah, but in terms of also this expectation of I have to do it right, I have to do it the right way, and then I get caught, like yeah, as in I think for the first three months I couldn't say I gave birth to my son, I kept saying when they brought him out, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

I kept saying when he was brought out, when he was brought out, I didn't say when I gave birth closer.com,

ubscribe And Support Message

SPEAKER_02 24:59

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he Cost Of Always Showing Up

SPEAKER_02 25:38

So that's a lot of things there because you see, what I hear you say there is that please, for anybody that is listening, you might like why can't you just tell the story? No, the thing is not narrating it, the thing is about what could happen when you are living your life, you're putting yourself on the pedestal that I have to keep these expressions of myself, I have to maintain these titles of myself. I've been known to be a helper, I must help till the end. I've been known to show up for everybody, I must show up for everybody to the end. I'm a mother, I have to be a mother and just do everything by myself. I am a sister, I have to do everything, I am a professional person, whatever title you are. I have to, I'm a business mogul, I have to do this, I'm a wife, I have to do it, I'm a husband, I have to do whatever title you are holding. What I hear you say is that do not always put yourself in the back burner. Remember you are the only constant in your life. Every other thing is just an addition. And because you are the only constant in your life, it's very, very important that you pay attention to yourself because you've repeated over and over, I still have to show up, I still have to show up, I still have to show up. And I know this is not just unique to you alone. A lot of people in my job have it has exposed me to a lot of people that I see that we I think whether our culture is part of this, I don't know that that put that on us that we just keep pushed, you know, on that on that on that on that line, but it's not always healthy. My question for you is that that sounds like a lot of pressure, yeah, that could push anybody, and it seems like you did not even you did not address a lot of the things, so you were just surviving.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

I didn't know, I didn't know. So, uh yeah, yeah, thanks for reminding me.

SPEAKER_02 27:33

Wow, wow, wow.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Another thing I tapped from my mom as well was the business side. So I didn't say my mom is Yoruba from the um western part of Nigeria, my dad is from the east, so uh you can imagine having the entrepreneurial spirit of an evil from the eagles, and then couple with my mom's independent. My mom is very creative and very creative. She wants my mom's the kind of person, if she's made up her mind to sell something, she will sell it. You understand? Let's try heaven and then I say the world cannot sell it. My mother will sell it, if you know. So I was also into some kind of business as well. All besides the fact that I just wanted to do it, but I wanted to do it, but I ventured into it as a matter of survival and necessity, but to meet needs, you understand, to pay bills and all that. So, yes, so all of this kept plunging me down. I didn't even realize. Um, I just knew I had to keep going on, I had to keep going on, where I've had to sacrifice my exam fees for someone else to be able to take the exams, or for someone else to meet a particular need, you know. And here I am, even at my prime, you know, um, a lot of opportunities were going away. Now, I wouldn't blame anyone for that, I'll blame myself for that. If if we were to ascribe, uh assign blames, so to say. But like I said, the intention could be right, but the outcome could be different, and then having to do all of that and still not appreciate it. And then when you hear questions like, did I ask you to do it? So that's a you know, when you're already down, such statements is like boom, yeah. Now, without talking about the personalities involved, I'm talking about the effect it had on me. So it was more about yeah, tell me the effect.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

And you share the efforts, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:23

I was blaming myself. Like, what's your problem? You could have easily done this exam, and then you're satisfied for chartered secretary. Yeah, it was an ICS exam that started in Nigeria, you know. Like, and then my cousin did a lot for me. Oh, yeah, there's a UK, you know, you can do the get exemption. If I actually started and I looked at the money, and I'm like, I think this person needs it, and to be fair, they didn't ask me. So hearing that kind of statement made me feel like I lost on both sides. So that was also another silent thing that hit me. You know, did I still show up for this person? Absolutely, even after being told that so well, you know, that goes back to that heart. You think I'd learn, but then where your intentions, where my intentions were pure, you know, I wouldn't even bat an eyelid to want to show up again. Like I said, this is a cardiac, this is not me trying to paint myself as a saint, but about my personality and how all the boardings and responsibilities around me and the ones I actually took upon myself gradually weighed me down. So this had been going on for a long time, and I didn't realize um sometimes in 2016, I'll jump a few years, and like I said, the perfectionist in me, and then my son starts school, you know. In my head, my son starts a government school. In my head, my son should be in a pro in a private school. Hmm, I don't. I'm I'm I'm I'm sure I've made that statement to your top point. How come? How come? Why does he have to be in a private school? It's not classism or something for me, it's like I had the best. Well, to the abilities of my parents understand yet the best. I want to give my child the best. The environment I am in, we know the terror we're in, you know, whether we admit it or not. But if based on the way I saw myself, like I should be where I should be, I felt I should be able to afford that level of um excellence for my son, you understand, for my child. I didn't think I was gonna have just one then, you know. Like, like, so that's where private school. I'm not saying government schools are not good, but in my head, I'm like, yeah, give him the best, you can afford it. You work, you know. Based on how I started working, I shouldn't be an issue, you understand, and how hard. But then my son going into a government school, not like he got into the best school in the area, as it's even start about that. But like I said, the pressure in me was more like this is nowhere should be, there's no anywhere, anyway. We can start this. I walked towards secondary school, and all that. So these are all of these, but knowing that it seemed like I was carrying all of that by myself, I was plunged further and further. A lot of things happened. I think um I'll fast forward to 2016. I was on a call with my sister. Um, yeah, that was supposed to be a family event in Nigeria. My aunt's 70th, then so my my biological aunts and my aunt by marriage, yeah. Unfortunately, who passed um two years ago, so um, or be I have to be there. I guess what I couldn't afford to go, even yeah, I knew I couldn't afford to go. Now, not like I couldn't afford to go, I could put a credit card to go. I could put a credit credit card, but then even being sunk in debt was a point I couldn't even afford to even get credit card to go to the page. And I felt like if you look at most of my family. Now, I think, yeah, all the family events came up, pictures, and every time they shared the pictures of ah, you've been sharing pictures with you, it sunk me further, pond me further into what I what I now know to be depression because I see my family pictures, I'm not there. And I'm like, and I'm alive. Have you not done Jesus? I'm alive, and I'm not there. You know, it's like when you call Chief and D can uh Chili Sommertier, DK's family. Everyone is there, I'm not there, even my sister in Ghana is there. You understand? So it felt like I'm sure if any of my family members here, this is probably the first time they're here now. I'm getting a bit emotional. It's the first time they're like, I'm meant to be here, I'm not there. My dad's well, we're supposed to have a 17th birthday for my dad. I think we didn't have that. There was a picture, everyone was in the village. I wasn't there. This one I was supposed to have, I wasn't there, you know. Like it was just like a lot of family functions. Like, member, know myself, family. I'm all there, I'm not sure. And it's not even just about the family for me, home being with the family I heal from, it's kind of therapeutic for me, very therapeutic for

amily Events And Quiet Shame

SPEAKER_01 34:12

me. So 2016, I was speaking with my sister one of those rare occasions where you know she's able to speak, and according to her, I used the word twice, more than twice, she said, and then she said, Oh, but hold on, hold on. You've used the word now that if a patient had come to her and used that word more than once, twice is the maximum she's going to she's going to refer the person. Would you like to share the word? She didn't tell me, and I know the reason why she didn't tell me is because I would be conscious enough not to use that word now. I know, but I asked her, like, what is it? I mean, I'm just talking for me. I was just speaking with my sister, pointing out my heart. I don't even, I can't read to be honest, I can't remember what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

It could be, it could be you, you know.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

She's uh I'm guessing it's a word paranoid. I don't know, I don't know because I think I asked her, was it that word? But she didn't tell me. She was like, she did tell me, or it could be you you use the word to to for her to or you imply that you were fed up because you know he's not it was it was a jovial chat, it was a covet, it wasn't it wasn't like I'm going through this, it wasn't a conversation of I'm down, um no, it was a remember then I was still all that's why she was like, Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, obvi.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

You've used this word more than once, even in a in a jovial way, exactly. She could pick it up.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Well, that was one, you know, actually. She's not telling me, and like I said, looking back well a few years back, like I think the reading reason she didn't tell me was because I will be conscious enough not to repeat that word.

SPEAKER_02 35:52

Wow, I'm I'm in a way. I think I'm glad that you know why I'm glad that she did not tell you.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Yeah, but I would use the word she used that was the first time she used the word depressed. Uh that she's afraid that I'm falling into depression. I'm like me, depression. I dismissed it. Like, all right, I think I want you know, like, yeah, you know, black don't crack. You know, I dismissed it. I still try to find out. I know in my sister, if she won't tell you, she won't tell you.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

That's right, of course. Yeah, so she's wearing a professional hat at that time, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 36:30

Oh, yes, anyway. Anyway, at the end of the day, you know, I realized she kept on checking on me often, even in a busy schedule. So all of this carried on 2016 and in 2018. Um, I was meant to call, I came for an interview in London, you know, and in addition to all of this, I was trying to change career. For every unfortunate I got, it kept plunging me down, it kept plunging me down to the point that I have had a referral. I think I'd mentioned this in a different um setting. I had a referral for an application in Shell, Shell UK, and the deadline was 2359. I'd updated my CV job or something. I called you. I'd applied gun online, uploaded my CV. All I needed to do was click on submit. Like me, you, your type, you that you didn't get this. I said it was it was and then when it was um I did it wasn't even midnight 000, it was 0002. I clicked on submit when I knew it was already expired. You understand? And of course, it's expired.

SPEAKER_02 37:36

So you mean you are done.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

Loss of confidence, loss of confidence. Wow, so that was another effect it had on me. I felt I wasn't good enough. If I couldn't do this, I wasn't doing this well, I wasn't doing this well. The marriage had his issues, even I didn't think I was good as a mother, I didn't think I was good as a daughter, sibling. I think I had a bit of an issue with my brother then as well. So it was like, you you've applied for several jobs, it either you are overqualified, or this one they don't call you back, and then you shall. I think I'd shared this also in a different platform, yeah. And too past midnight, I think I just clicked on submit, you know. So to justify myself that I clicked on submit, but I I lost confidence in myself. That's one. Then I can't have for came for an interview

he Night Everything Collapsed

SPEAKER_01 38:22

in London. There was a bit of what I'll call an intervention, and that night, May 20, 2018. Because I tell people I not tell people when it goes to me, I celebrate my birthday twice a year. That night was when the weight of the depression fell on me after the supposed intervention, and that's why I said it could be life-threatening. That was when the weight of it fell on me, and that I'm still here today is the grace of God. I'm not going to go into details of that, but you can read in between the lines. It was a heavy period for me. As in that period, I'm sure it was around about an hour and a half and a half, and it was a battle of the mind, it was a battle of what to do, what not to do. It was a bottle, battle of there's nothing to you anymore. I didn't even realize I had it, I didn't even remember I had a child. I didn't touch anything just like no cover my child, I will fight you with everything I had, but even at that point, I didn't even realize I had a child, but it was that bad. But for God's mercy, because my standing here today is not because of me, it was just a tiny voice I heard, and I will share that I only had strength to do one thing, and it says, Look up. I'm here today, that means I looked up, and the weight of the tears and everything, you know, it was a lot on me. I'll cut a long story short. I went for the interview, like I couldn't even be bothered, you know. Of course, I didn't get the job, but um, that was the start for me, and that was when I realized I needed help. Because that voice that said look up, of course, followed me. I couldn't sleep, but then I now had that subtle voice. That was when I realized I needed help, and I didn't want to speak with, you know, being now my personality also fought with seeking help. You don't want to speak with someone like, oh, so you're going through all this, also yourself are like who can I speak with that? I still feel safe. And I'm not sure if she'll if this person would like for me to mention her name, but I will still mention it because it's it's my form of gratitude. I call her sister Banke, um Pastor Ade's wife. I don't know if she adea, yeah. Banke Ajay, I don't know if she remember, and I spoke with her, and um yeah, I just I spoke with her, I'll stop her that, but that was the start. You understand? For me, I didn't go through so much details with her and all of that, but I just needed an avenue to talk, and I did so loss of confidence, loss of my person, and I thank God for my brother as well, even though he didn't know what I was going through. But after that intervention, so to say, he we spoke, and it was like, Obby, this is how I want you to it was a different matter entirely, just do this, learn to do this, learn to do this. That's why I said, Did I handle it right? Some things right, no, and if I know what I know now, I probably would have you know handled things some things better. So lost myself, lost my confidence career-wise, but the way God would have it May 20th, and then I got a new job about the promotion in July. Now, where the Bible says that when it's dark, when it's darker, when it's darkest, that means light is coming, daybreak is coming.

SPEAKER_03 41:57

Imagine in the morning, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Imagine if the depression had caught me, the devil had had its way. Every other testimony that came around, but then my journey didn't still end there.

elp, Healing, And A New Start

SPEAKER_01 42:11

Now, going that's when I went to Glasgow. Now, that was a new beginning for me to start my healing. I was angry at myself, I felt I'd failed myself, I felt I'd failed my parents, I felt I failed my siblings, I felt I failed my child, I felt I failed the world. I was angry with God, but God in his infinite mercy, I think, let that happen. That was where I started. I'll mention Pastor BCO and Yoji. She called me one day for something else entirely, something else entirely, and I just mentioned this thing to her. And what she said was, of course, you can't do it when you are not silly. She said it to Yoruba. You see, that statement was the reassurance I was looking for. It was about an incident. She said, Of course you can't do that. Like, so someone believes me, someone knows what I'm capable of doing. And that was a February of 2019. That was when I can tell you my healing started properly. Now remember May 2018, even though I'd spoken the year and I was conscious of myself. February 2019 was when she made that statement to me. And then I started, I couldn't pray. So when people say, Yeah, maybe you went back to God, of course. I was still showing up in church, I we had 10 hallelujah. I would do all of that, you understand? But I still felt like a failure. But that was when I slept that night, I slept. Now, I don't know, so I don't know. Do you want me to go into my healing process and all of that?

SPEAKER_02 43:43

If you can't tell me in five minutes, in five minutes, that's fine.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

So that was how my healing started. But then in all of that, I became conscious of it. Every May, there's always a dark cloud around me from the first of May till the end of May. For some reason, I'm always low in spirit. But because I knew what it was, I Gonna write a book. I had the title of the book, and that was why I stopped, you know. Um, but then I don't know what's gonna happen, but I just knew I had the title to document my healing process. But then over the line, I realized it affected my health. I've never been off for three months, I was off for three months, you know, like a long time. I think no two months then it affected my health, but then I sought help from a coach, coach Abias, because also I realized it had to be a safe space for me as well, because I also needed help. Now I realized I couldn't be, even the my child that I carry so much, I realized I couldn't be of help to him, I couldn't be of any advantage to him if I didn't heal myself. So I started listening more. Now, when I said listen, listen to messages, now I knew God loved me, you know. I drew a bit closer to my family, my new obby, nobody's expecting the mountain from you. I sought help, I was always speaking. I know you're always like obi just if you want to talk, just talk. I thought help, I was speaking, and I was speaking to a few other people who I thought weren't hearing me, but I was speaking even in a safe space, and then of recent I started exercise. I'm gonna give a shout out to my coach, coach Gia Willy Coach, you know. So I started on a weight loss journey because I realized I also affected my health. You understand? Now, when I was young, I used to journal, I used to write, so I realized that someone saw my journal, and then it made me stop writing, and then you know, someone would ask me, obviously is it midlife crisis? You put some things on your status. I'm like, Well, not everyone can see my status. So if you can see my status, it's a privilege, but then also penning down some things could just be the way I feel. Sometimes I could just see some things that resonate with me, doesn't mean that's what I'm going through, but just typing some things, and then I also realized that someone made a comment, actually, not one, but the very first time someone made a comment on the post I put up, it was very humbling for me that I just thought I was just putting this out there to let it out. But someone somewhere is going through the same thing or almost the same thing, and just because I put that on my status was all the person needed, was this a business conversation that was a turning point for me. Just reading that status was what that person needed. So for me, it was healing. I don't know if that makes sense, it was also healing for me, and then taking accountability for myself, uh taking owning my faults and flaws, and then forgiving myself. Now, my healing is still a process, I'm not in a better head space, I'm in a better headspace, I'm no longer the hermit I used to be. You know, when you talk about life of the party, now you tell me there's then as a last year, tell me there's a party I'm locking myself up in the room, but now I'm intentional about wanting to go out. I was still chatting with someone this evening. I'm intentional about wanting to go out, not because I want to meet anyone, but like to claim back the ownership of my person. Like I avoided this conversation for a long time, you know, because I didn't want to, I wasn't comfortable, I didn't think I would articulate or pass anything right. Am I still on a healing in my healing journey? Yes, I am. Am I better? I'm way far from where I was. So I will use this as an opportunity, just borrow

ractical Steps And Seeking Support

SPEAKER_01 47:04

me a minute. If anyone is going through this, seek out help. Other people have gone through it. Now I know a lot of people don't talk about this often. It doesn't need to be fatal, it doesn't even need to get the moment someone like my sister drew out. That was when I should have acted on it, but I didn't. It still took me years. Act. Some are not as lucky, some are lucky, some get to the point where they have a permanent health issue, you know, and at the end of the day, you realize it's all for nothing. Look after yourself. I am still on a journey, I don't know where this journey will lead me, but I'm optimistic it will lead me to being back to where I was, but then from a place of experience. I'm glad to share my experience. I hope what I've shared is of help. I know I've not really elaborated a lot, but I hope the little I've shared is able to affect one at least one person positively. And take I'm here to listen if you want to talk. You don't even have to listen to me. Coach ABS is the professional, you can listen to her. I still refer to her most times. So thank you for having me. Um yeah, and I know I've taken so much of your time.

SPEAKER_02 48:08

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you so much. You know, when I tell people when I will do trauma work with people, I tell them we don't always have to start with a story. The story can re-traumatize you, so people do not need to hear the story to get the full picture. You've been generous with your chair, and those people that want to learn from it, the who the message is for, we catch it. That's the most important thing, even if it's just one person. I just want to thank you for your vulnerability today. I want to thank you for everything that you shared here. How you've started it, even in your sharing, you are still laughing. You are still laughing.

SPEAKER_01 48:46

At least I can laugh now. I lost my laugh, I lost my lost my smile. So I'm glad I thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 48:55

Thank you so much. You know, you've answered the question I was gonna ask you finally. How you are able to get yourself back in time. You've you've summarized this so beautifully. Please, people are there where you are talking. If it's not a nice word, be quiet, it's not everything that you see that you have to talk about. People that have a big personality, they still need our love and our care. I understand it resonates with me because I know what that means. People are just like this one is okay, it's not always the case. Learn to just check up on people, or be thank you so much. I know the journey is gonna get better and better, and like I always tell you everything is a puzzle. You do not go through what you went through for nothing, absolutely, yeah, and it's not just for you. As you heal, you pour out on others to heal as well. You know, I always tell you that. Yeah, everything will make less than you're like, Wow, god, is this the reason? Everything is gonna make sense at the right time. Thank you so much again for

inal Reflections And Closing

SPEAKER_02 49:51

your time. And if you are going through anything like this, you're struggling, you have the savior mentality, you have a lot of respiration as a result as a result of our kosher expectation. Or for those of you that are so Christians, we are Christians as well. We can see the way she's saying when those things are happening, you can't even open your mouth and talk, but we know that even our cheers, our thought is a prayer. And when she says she heard that tiny voice, look up that was God speaking back to her. Prayer is a two-way thing, it's not we don't always have to talk to him, he also talks to us as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Obi, and um enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you. I remain your host, Abby Estonia. Keep living authentically and keep thriving and living your best life. Thank you so much, and enjoy the rest of your day.