Abies Sonia: Turning Trauma Counselling Into Strength

We flip the script as our host becomes the guest, unpacking what trauma-informed coaching really means and why burnout can sit behind joy, competence, and a busy life. We share real signs of chronic stress, the beliefs that keep people stuck, and a simple first step to protect your emotional wellbeing this week. 
• joy, warmth, and upbringing as the foundation of identity 
• what trauma means when coping capacity is overwhelmed 
• trauma-informed practice through safety, trust, empowerment, and collaboration 
• chronic stress in migration, motherhood, work, and entrepreneurship 
• early burnout signs including fatigue, irritability, memory slips, rashes, alopecia 
• emotional numbness and loss of clarity as hidden red flags 
• common client surprises like low self-confidence, people pleasing, procrastination 
• belief systems in the diaspora and the pressure to always work hard 
• stigma and shame around counselling, therapy, and mental health support 
• self-love as the starting point and why silence is not peace 
If you’re ready to move from surviving to thriving subscribe, visit our website www.asebconsultancy.com 
Before you go, have you subscribed yet? Like, share, and comment what resonate with you so far on this episode 

Transcript

A Host Becomes The Guest

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome to Authentic Driving Podcast. On today's episode, the table is about to turn. So I am going to hand over to the host of today's episode. Over to you.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Hada. Today the host is the Avestonia. Hello and welcome once again to this special edition of Authentic Driving Podcast. I have Ibube Chuku as you follow atose. And I have the singular honor of interviewing the one who has been interviewing every other person. None other than the amazing counselor, integrative life coach, keynote speaker, author of the many resilience beyond chronic stress and funno, host of, or rather, your regular host of authentic driving podcast, Coach Avison. It must be very interesting when you see your position in this country. Thank you so much for trusting me. Before we start, how does it feel being on the other side?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

No pressure at all. I'm trying to answer no pressure. Come on, just get on with it.

Joy, Family Warmth, And Energy

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Thank you for trusting me. Hopefully I do well. I hold your seat well. So for starters, um, you know, before we get into it, for someone meeting you for the first time, I know I've said a couple of things that you do, but who would you say you are beyond the titos and the qualifications?

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Okay, to start, I would say Aviastodia is very joyful, um, friendly, kind, and nurturing. Yeah, and very playful.

unknown 1:42

Playful.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Playful I like. Playful I like. Um, so you know, your your kindness, your warmth, your depth, where would you say that comes from within you?

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Any peekers? I'll say it comes from my heart, but then again, it also comes from my family. Uh, and from a family of 10, including mom and dad. Um, there was so much warmth and love in the family, um, and it kind of just overflow. It kind of wired my brain to be like that. So it is my essence, the warmth is my essence. I would say I do not function very well in a tense low vibration environment. It drains me as in practically suck the energy out of me. So, this is why when I get into a place, my energy vibration has to be higher. I cannot be a thermometer, I have to be a thermostat. If oh, I will just go, I'm just I'm just gonna withdraw into myself, and anybody that sees me would know that what's going on, why is she quiet? You know, so this is why I have to, I have to, my energy level has to be managed very well. So I would say you came from my upbringing, and it's my survivor.

Trauma Explained Without Labels

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Oh no, the the world definitely needs a lot of you because you know, I'm I'm probably the opposite, I'm more quiet. Imagine if we were all like me. You know, we need to energy. Okay, so let's go into a bit of what you do. Like when I started introducing, I mentioned counselor. When people hear counselor, when they hear trauma-informed coach, it kind of often pictures something that is heavy. But what do you wish people understood about the work that you do?

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Okay, the first thing is what is what is trauma? Trauma is quite different, right? Why I say that is because two people can experience the same thing. One will be traumatic, and one will say, I'm fine, I'm good. I'm not trauma, I'm not traumatized. So, trauma is when you go through an event, it can be expected, it may not be expected, but it kind of affects you physically, emotionally, in short, psychologically, because it pushes beyond your ability to cope with that type of pressure. So when you go beyond your ability to cope with that event, and it alters your state of thinking, it alters your behavior in order for you to carry on going, and it pushes it pushes you into a state of survivor, no longer triving. You can say that event is traumatic. Sometimes it happens immediately, sometimes it suddenly just comes back because people have suppressed a lot, and one more event will just be the the trigger. So when you say trauma informed, a lot of work that I do is I realize that a a lot of people go through trauma, it's either they suppressed it, they avoided it, they ignored it, right? And they kept on moving. So when other life challenges happen, you find them toppling over, and you're like, ah, this person is strong, this person is supposed to be what's going on. This person has been through something worse than this. How come this little thing just made them have a breakdown? Because everybody has a breaking point, we all have a breaking point. So when I say trauma inform, I do not deal with cases isolated. You can't just come to me and say, I am stuck. Okay, you are stuck. Let's begin to unravel what that stuck looks like. Because what one person describes as stuck is not what the other person describes as stuck. So when I say trauma inform, I mean I think about your safety first. Now, safety, what does that look like? Your physical safety, your emotional safety. You might come to me, it's not about a story, it's not about hearing all the stories, it's about knowing you as a person, your journey. I don't treat people like you are a problem. The fact that you have emotional or mental distress, it doesn't mean you have become a problem. It is what are you doing? What has what has that led you to behave like or act like or think like that is the part that we're dealing with, right? So we're not either labeling the person as a problem or labeling the person as oh, this person is not a stress. No, it is what exactly has that led you to, so we unravel it, but before we do that, you have to ensure that that person is feeling safe physically, the person is feeling safe emotionally, and we also go into a path whereby we empower them. Now, how do we empower them with their own strength? Everybody has a strength, regardless of what you are going through, right? We all have a strength, it's in it, it's inside of us, and one of my tools that I use is process psychology, and according to the scientists, they believe that 24 uh character strengths live inside of us. So, regardless of what you are going through, they are still there. You just need someone to remind you, you need someone to help you navigate for you to go back and bring and just you know extract those strengths from inside of you. So it's a is a part is a process whereby you get empowered to see your strength, right? And then we'll go into trustworthiness and transparency. I have to ensure that you trust me because if you don't trust me, I cannot support you. I'm not there, it's not I'm not there to tell you what to do, I'm not there to compel you. You are always the one that has the power. I am just there as a guide, right? Yeah, so I then use that part whereby they trust me, and I also trust them as well. But what they are telling me, I can't tell them you're lying, it's what you tell me that I'm gonna go with. You understand? And that transparency as well, I have to believe it with positive regards. It doesn't matter what you're going to share with me. I'm not gonna say, Oh, you've done this, you've done that, you understand. So is that is that part I have to tread very carefully now. Regardless of all this journey that I'm going through with it, the choice is still belongs to you. If you decide that, okay, I've done enough now, I want to stop here. It doesn't matter, we have to stop there because you see, I have a choice on what you want to share and what you don't want to share, on how far you want to go in the session or how far you just want to wait and pause and be in the moment. They will get into this collaboration, it's not like a place whereby you go and meet someone that is superior to you, and like it's not mentorship, like, well, what do I do? I've been through this, have been through that, and this is what I did in my case. So, why don't you do that? No, I don't have the blueprints, regardless of the challenges that you're going through. You still have the blueprints of your life, but because of the challenges, you have adopted some behavior and some thinking that is not allowing you to follow that blueprint. The blueprint is still there, it's probably just covered with the issues that you're going through, right? So, mind is to collaborate with you and we'll work together to be able to dust that blueprint and get it out again, right? And then the another part that I think about in trauma inform is that cultural consideration. I work with I work with different people from different races, yeah, I work with different gender and everything. So that cultural consideration is that your culture where you're coming from, I have to ensure that I respect that and I honor that, right? However, that I'm not gonna judge you based on I will not say give you a stereotype. Oh, Africans do this, Asians do this, the Caucasians do that. No, I deal with you as an individual. Perhaps other culture is showing up in the situation that you are going through or the stress that you're going through, and they will begin to ovig it. So Isina is not a one-size-fit-all, it is very, it's very, very, you still have the autonomy of your life, regardless of the of the sessions that you're doing with me. You're still very much in control of your life. I don't take over and dictate and tell you what to do. So when I say trauma informed, is that I am aware of the things about you. I'm not looking at it from one point of view, it's almost like a dead's eye view of a holistic way of doing it.

When Stress Turns Into Survival Mode

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Holistic, yes, that's the word. Yeah, thank you. I mean, just hearing you speak about that, I can already tell how passionate I can feel the passion, uh, how you know you go about this. And I'm just wondering, have you also had a moment in your life, so this is how personal where you've experienced like a high level of stress or emotional well-being? And how exactly, you know, did you go through that? And how does that inform how you now support others?

SPEAKER_01 10:40

You know, I always tell people, I said, I don't work a day in my life. They're like, ah, Sonia, you play too much. No, it's not a matter of playing too much, right? It's a matter of it's not a job for me, it is a calling. That's where I see it. Yeah, and when you said, Have I ever been through stress before? Uh uh if I say I'll I've not been through stress before, that would be a lie. So you know the stress that you go through when you're at home with a family, and you're like, you want to go to school? Can I have some some money to take to school? And your dad is stressing you, your mom is giving you you're trying your way. Yeah, I've been through the stress, exam stress, I've been through that, relationship stress, falling out, and making up with your friends again. I've been through that, right? And you working so much in that in that educational um in your exams, and then you don't get the result that you want, right? I've been through that stress, however, the pivotal moment where I'll say the stress that I went through kind of begin to shape my journey was when I left the country, left the shows and I was in my early 20s, quite early on in my 20s, and I remember everything just changed. You know, you have to be careful because there is no one here to save you. Your dad is far, the only your mom is far, it's the only phone call and they call they can't be there. Yeah, don't do well. If it's conda your money, you are done. I'm telling you, you have to sit up, it's a different dynamic. So that stress, I thought, oh my wow, adulting is not easier. I would you know we just want to be an adult, yeah. Treat me, I'm an adult, I'm an adult. When you become an adult, you're like, I should have just enjoyed what I was there. I should have taken my time. That's right. So to children and teenagers had enjoyed while it lasts because adulting is not for the internet, so I went through that stage. Now, the part that really hit me most was when I became a mother, a mother, a career woman, and an entrepreneur in between. So I would say, in a way, I kind of um compiled everything, created create your word. I kind of compiled everything, just trying to make things better for myself, you know, and be more independent. But in the course, it led to loads of loads of stress. Now the stress did not start once. You're like, yeah, I can I can see you come you go to work and then you come back. But as a mother, I remember the first day I woke up and I was covered with hives. Oh, oh, I was crushing my body. It's that was not sufficient, like my hands were no longer enough. I had to get a comb and I was crushing. I didn't even care if my skin was bleeding. The itchiness was more than the pillar. That's right. So it was when after I'd done that in the morning, it disappeared. I realized that oh, I have mark, I have sparks, I have marks on my body, and you know, at first you think it's thru shall ah, this thing is fighting and all the stuff, yeah. So to all mothers out there, you know, especially those that are breastfeeding, I'll say, Shout out to you. It's not very easy. And if you're out there, you want to do everything for yourself for your baby. Please, if you know anybody that is around that is willing to help you, let them help you. Because me, my baby will wake up, I'm awake. When she's sleeping, I'm still there, and my mom was around, so that stress I was not sleeping well, I was not doing a lot of things well, so the stress in my body came out, and it came out in a form of ice. I didn't know it was called eyes, but I took a picture in the night, and then I showed it to my daughter. Was that oh, that's ice, your custom level is quite a lot, you are stressed out, and it's no longer you stress, good stress of like mother who do good stress. This is now chronic stress, so your body is reacting and all that stuff. So that was when I was here I experienced tough stress, and then I think that was not enough. I went through that stage, everything went. I had to change a lot of things because I even thought it was my detergent. So, after that, the business you come back from your nine to five, and then you go back and start doing all those side things and all of those stuff. It was good because I had extra money at my disposal, but at the end of the day, I was not sleeping enough, I was not resting my body enough, so there was no time for my body to rejuvenate the way it should. So I went into that stress. So, if you notice, all of this stress I'm talking about is mostly physical and all those stuff. But the physical side, if you don't look after us, he has a way of getting into the emotional side of things. So, yeah, those are the stress that I went through, and then as that progress, more children and you know, more demand on you and commitment and all of that stuff, and the stress just piles up as compounding, compounding stress.

Early Burnout Signs People Miss

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Yep, so uh yeah, so I mean, just picking up from that, and then I know you've pointed out to mothers that there could be someone listening right now, and they they're going through certain things and they think that they are functioning, that they are showing up, that they're they're doing their best, but actually they are exhausted and they're on the brink of burnout to start realizing it. So, how would you say that burnout usually shows up for people that look fine, quote unquote? They look like they are doing all the right things, but they're actually on the brink of burning out. What are the early signs that people can look out for?

Healing Herself Before Helping Others

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Now, the signs are very different, it's not, it's not, it's not, um, it's unique to people. The signs are not the same. For some people, you might have constant headache, for some people, they might have lost short eyes, for some, they are just fatigued, they have this baby brain. You might go into a room now, you have the experience forgetfulness. You can't remember why you went into that room. You went to fix something, but you can't remember why you so your memory affects your memory, and for some, it might be skin conditions, rashes, their hair falling out, alopecia, you know, stress-induced alopecia. It exists as well. Where people have your hair start, the hair color starts changing. That that could happen as well. Um, you can start having in terms of the behavior as well, you get very, very irritable, right? You get easily irritated with deluded things, you can't see, but every other person can see it. Um, you get tired easily as you're sitting down, you want to know that sleep. And the time, you know, sleep in churches when they are dancing, even in the dancing. I was washing plate one day, right? It was the water, the temperature increases when I realized I was sleeping and washing plate. I came. I was washing the plate like this, and then the water and I was ooh, I was sleeping. So that level of adjusting. So burn art is when you are tired emotionally, physically, and mentally. When the three of them join, you are burnout because your capacity to function is not very, very good anymore. So you need to know about that. Um, for some people, they might also have um other underlying earth conditions that will not have his own name, but if he traces the roots, it is as a result of stress that is that was clinic that you did not deal with. I know you also asked a question just now in my journey towards um, you know, if I had a personal journey in terms of um my journey becoming a counselor, yeah. So, you know, when life throws throws lemmos at you, and you're like, I'll make lemon out of it, make lemonade out of it. So that's what happened to me. I noticed that my joy, I told you before, the key, my core is joy. I have to be, I have to be joyful. If I'm not joyful, I cannot be productive, right? And even people around me, if they don't have that level of eye-functioning energy, where about their peace, their joy, it affects me. So, one thing I noticed that when different life challenges, whether business challenges came at me, you know, trying to get family together, function in different capacities with the different hearts that people wear. You know, I did the same thing as a mother, as a wife, as a career president, as an entrepreneur, and as a daughter, as a friend, and all of that stuff. When everything came crashing on me, I realized I lost myself. Finally lost myself. I couldn't even pray a lot anymore. You know, you just say you can something would drive you into praying. I couldn't pray a lot anymore. I guess I just said I just want to lie down and just sleep. I was just tired, and then that's when I realized that okay, this burnout thing again, and I find myself that joy, that depth, that ability to be creative was no longer there, and you find yourself you'll be hopping from one thing to another, you do this today, you do that tomorrow, you do this tomorrow, you did it. You just be hopping to different things, and oh, and you easily want to follow the trend. Oh, they say, Is this business that is there today? Is air business, you go with it, is the clothes business, you go with it. You find yourself just moving from one thing to another. So I had to go back and refine myself. I have to go on and find myself again, Sonia. Again, yeah, it got to a point I'll be driving. I had this um stand, Shungum stand in my car that I just have to keep on, and then my teeth started hurting because I was consuming too much just to keep myself awake while I was driving, which was that dangerous. Sometimes I have to get water, splash it all over my face to keep me going, even in the cold, get get the um the window down to get fresh air in or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And I'm driving, I'm doing like this. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, I'm doing like that. It was that bad. So I went through all of this lack of clarity, um, just doing different things, and I had to find myself. It started with the coaching ward, and I remember, and there was also work is work stress as well. So that was that was the first counseling I actually did. I got there, I I spoke to this man about stuff. He was like, You've just narrated everything that is wrong with you. I didn't even see any emotions. I was like, eh? So I narrated all of these things, and you're telling me you want me to start crying, and you see you become numb. Become numb to express your emotion, you'll be numb. That's where the state I was at. I could no longer express my emotions. So I was just like, This happened, that happened, that happened. And the man said, No emotions, nothing, you are numb. Like, what is he talking about? What do you mean I'm numb? I just left it, and then I went through into the coaching world, and that was when my eyes was open. I was like, Wow, yeah, so I had to they said the healer healed herself. So I didn't I didn't start from being a healer, I had to heal myself, I had to understand why I was in that funk, why I was doing this, and all of that stuff, and I went through all those things. After I finished that, I did have to train as a coach. I did the neurolinguistic programming, life coaching, um, emotional freedom, and all of the stuff. Wow, so when that thing opened up, wow, I just thought of myself when I started feeling myself back, my joy was back again. I was becoming bubbly again, I was becoming more productive again. I was able to. Focus and do one thing and complete it. I didn't realize that wow. So people could just go like that, you'll be alive, but you're just surviving, you're not trying. So I thought I it cannot be only me that is going through this. I'm sure there are many people that are going through this. You know, you know, the those people that laugh more in the party, the heart and the life of the party. You don't see you can mask it a lot, right? You can mask it and nobody will see it. You can just mask it, nobody will see anything. The point whereby I remember I made very good money and everything, and I also show up and all of that stuff, and I'll still laugh, I will still joke with everybody. What if I tell you that as I was going, I was pouring water on my on my face, smacking myself. Now I'm by myself. If I'm by myself, as I as I'm sitting down, I'm falling asleep. That's what happened. It was that bad. I'm falling asleep. And at a point, too, I had a miscarriage. That was after after that journey has already started. So, in a way, when I had that miscarriage, it has already, that's if my previous training and everything had already prepared me on how to navigate the whole thing. But even at that, it still shook me to my core. And this is why one of the reasons I tell people that there is no way I'm gonna stop being a counselor and a coach. And I still went and did because one of my key value is um love of learning. What I'm doing, I have to do it to the best of my ability. So I believe that I have to train for it. But one thing about my training is if I train, I have to apply it. If I don't apply it, my money is just wasted, right? So I was I was doing different things. There was a time I did about four or five burnouts conferences in one year. I was shouting it from the root of financial burnouts, parental burnout, um relationship burnouts, everything burnout. I was shouting it from this burnout conference. No, because I got other people to come on board to share their stories. I just thought, no, this cannot be me. Everybody's keeping quiet about it. We have to talk about it, and yeah, and I did that as well, and I realized that there were loads of people that I thought these are people that are functioning well, and they shared their stories that I've been born out to. I said, eh, all of us came out, I'll be born at you, hey, you two, you, yeah, and together we're able to do the various speaking things on how to on how to do that, and it was very liberating saying that I was beginning to make an impact, transform people, get their awareness out there, lend my voice to what is already out there, and just one change at a time and just keep at it and keep at it and keep at it. So when that miscarriage happened, it was painful, it was really, really hurtful, but it has prepared me ahead. I was able to give support and grieve as well. When my dad passed on, that journey, everything coaches came around, counselors to to support me. So, in a way, I would say that it's is is is my core, it's just like a center of everything that I do now. Everything that I do now. Why do I call it a calling? Before I went through all of this stress, people just genuinely find it easy to speak to me, genuinely, even with friends, they confide in me, knowing that if you confide in her, you're not gonna hear from that person, so just tell her. And people like I will be surprised the level of or the depth that people will share with me, and in a way, God just have a way of just encouraging the person or praying with them. I could join someone to be intercity for what they want until they get that thing. I believe in push, pray until something happened. So I used to use those two tools, like I would just listen, I could be there, you're talking to you like Sonya, you see that, yeah, I'm here. I'm just listening to you, right? I could listen to people naturally, it just came. But when I started going through the training, going through my own challenges, that was when I realized, oh what you've been doing, is what I've been doing, but now in a professional capacity, not just relying on my experience, but because I've got the training and everything, I am now more robust and equipped to support other people. Ah, this is why I tell people that you know there are certain things that you do, you'll be like, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, but there are certain skills that are in it, right? Yeah, use it over and over again, but you don't have any value for it, you don't have any respect for it just because a name, a tag, has not been put in it, yeah, right? So I've been doing it, so I don't know what is out there. If there's something that naturally comes out to come to you, and everybody just trusts you that you have capacity to do that thing, look into it, yeah, look into it. That's right, yeah. So, yeah, that that's me in uh in a nausea with that.

What Clients Discover About Themselves

SPEAKER_00 27:09

That's that's that's that's a lot of phases. You know what you were saying about um people don't realize that what they're actually going through is border and how it comes out in different ways. As you were talking, I was just actually thinking about myself because I reason you had to pull out from something. I'm on the brink of bordering. If I can do more any more than this, I think that consciousness to actually know that you are there. And so I think that's why all the conferences you've done, the awareness is very important because a lot of people don't even know that the level of exhaustion they are dealing with is no normal. That's not what they should be dealing with. But thank you for you doing. Um doing it. Um, so I was gonna, you know, one of the you also mentioned that when you went for like a coaching work, you were you had become numb um to the pain. What other surprises do clients um encounter when they come to you for the first time, like when they actually want to give step to therapy, apart from finding out that they may be norm to it. What other surprises have you noticed that clients often come to realize when they start this journey of you know counseling or therapy with you?

SPEAKER_01 28:19

Lack of lack of self-confidence. They no longer believe in themselves, they don't even know they are doing it. Yeah, they don't laugh lack of self-confidence can show up people pleasing, yeah. They don't have confidence in themselves, so whoever has their ear will lead them. Anything you tell them, they'll just just they don't have that power anymore, they don't even trust in their own ability, in their own capacity anymore, so anybody can lead them astray, especially those within their circle of influence. So if they have a wrong one, they will just be leading them. They can go as going to borrow money for someone, be in debt for someone. They can use their credit card master just to please someone, right? And another thing again is they feel like they don't have the capacity to make the right choice, so they will start something along the way, they'll stop, they don't finish it. That's something now that is lack of self-value, yeah. Because it's either you lose your what, your value, or your confidence. You don't believe in yourself, you can do it. So you start it, you just get fed up. You don't have the motivation, the consistent motivation to carry on. You see, but you don't know that that is as a result of what you are going through. People uh uh uh also go through emotional fatigue, they don't have the desire to carry on, so they'll be procrastinating now. Emotional fatigue shows with procrastination, they will start procrastinating, they want to do something. I'll do it, I'll do it. They will not do it. Some of them may even be aware of growth mindset and fixed mindset. Do you know what was more painful? Ignorance is even bliss. I don't say ignorance is not bliss, but for some people, ignorance is bliss because they don't even know, they don't know what they are doing. They know that this is procrastination, I've procrastinating. This is self-sabotage that I'm doing, but they can't they can't resolve it. They can't resolve it. They're like, I have a goal, you're like, where is it? Let me see. Let me see. I have the goal for this year. They've not even start one, or they've started, they've started about five running, none is finished, so they are all over the place, right? They are all over the place. Uh, another one that seems come as a shock for people is going into wrong relationships. Now, this is not it's not only intimate relationship, even friendship, yeah. Friendship, they go into that friendship that every friendship they go to use them. So, what that means is that it's almost as if as long as they are involved in that friendship, it will go south because people smell it, especially those that are manipulated, they just smell it that this person is gullible, so they become yeah, they start acting as if they are gullible. There are other things as well that can also happen whereby people don't grow, they don't invest in personal developments, anything that will grow them, they don't want to learn, they will argue with you from today to tomorrow. They believe that they know it all. The day you stop learning is the day you actually die. Yeah, it's not when they say this person is finance dead. Nah, when that person stops learning, that person is dead. There's some people you can't they have untishable spirits, they can't teach them, nobody can teach them. They believe they are okay, they've arrived. That itself is an emotional problem.

SPEAKER_00 31:55

Yeah, very dangerous place to be.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

What is going on? Why do you have an untishable spirit? You should be a sponge to soak in knowledge and dispense. Yes, you understand? That's what we are supposed to be. It's a replenish the earth. We are supposed to replenish the earth. It's not only from uh having children. No, your wisdom, your skills replenish the earth. Yeah, that's what we're supposed to be. But when you're no longer that, it's something fundamentally wrong.

Diaspora Pressure And Wrong Foundations

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Interesting. All these you're saying, I'm all I'm hearing is you know, putting a cap on your potential. Like once you're stressed, you're burnt out, it's almost like there's now a lock on your potential, and you have to figure it out to open it and grow. Thank you. Um, you've said when you were talking earlier, you mentioned also taking into consideration, you know, the different um places people are from, their races, their identity. So I, you know, I'm hearing you work a lot with people that navigate those types of shifts, especially in the diaspora. What inner conflict do you see most often in African families abroad?

SPEAKER_01 33:02

It's wrong foundation, I believe.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

Oh, that's heavy. It's breaking down for us.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

You know, everything we are just like a computer, whatever you install into us, we're gonna function from the operating system. If you are not buying laptop and you are a designer, you're gonna install design apps there, Corridor, Photoshop, and all of that stuff, right? If I on the other hand I'm a musician, I'm gonna install things that will help me edit music, right? Edit my music and all of that stuff to get the right tempo, to get the light the right sound coming out. Yeah, if we have the same computer, and then we mistakenly you pick mine. When you get in there, you're not gonna find your application. Yeah, so you'll not be able to do what you need to do. That is how we are. We might be born in the same place. We all have our own beliefs, and our beliefs are from our influences. Our influences, like the first one, our parents, then our teachers, then uh the politicians, the environment, what we see in the environment on TV, the books that we read, and the music we listen to, you know, all the things that are entrenched, those are the things our religion does what shape us now and our culture as well. So, you see, a lot of people they get to that because their belief is 40. When your belief is 40, your values will be 40. So if you believe that you have to work hard, you have to work hard. So even when someone gives you an agile will, an easy way, a quicker way of working, you will resist it.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

Right?

SPEAKER_01 34:40

You resist it, however, if you have a belief that I work smart, you'll be more productive, yeah, you find a better way to do things, and we'll see arrive at the same destination. Why the other person is sweating like this? Yeah, you you are already ahead in doing this. That's that's what happened to me in a diaspora. I believe that I have to work hard. You know that saying there's some saying that will pick up ha no food for hungry man, you have to work hard, a lazy man, you have to work hard. So that was in store. So to me, during the career, doing this, doing that, doing this, so I have to be always do-do-do do that also caution, so it comes in, so that belief system will come in instead of you thinking of what I can do, that I don't have to stay do long hours, but I will still get good potential, or who need me that I need to be in front of, so that I don't have to be pushing to the wrong people, you know. So it's about that I'm telling you is belief. Our belief is what brings us to that. That's if anybody can go back. I would say, as an adult, whether you are staying in Nigeria, whether you move outside of the country anywhere or wherever you are in the world, you need to always evaluate your belief system. Whatever you believe in, right? Ask yourself where did that belief come from? It might be from a friend, it might be from anybody. Ask if you are able to always ensure that your belief is still in alignment of where you are at time in your life, then everything will be easy for you. There are some beliefs that are old, maybe when you were in secondary school, that worked for you, but now that you are in uni, it's not going to work for you. Now that you are a mother, a wife, a husband, uh different thing, uh, you are working in a certain capacity, it should not work for you. Like someone told me, he said, I remember I used to wash and iron my clothes and do everything. He said, But now I pay the laundry people to do it. He said, Because the time I will use to wash my clothes, I could dedicate to do things that will help my executive functioning, you know, at a higher level, and it will give me more money. So from that money, I can take it to pay the laundry person. When I spend that time doing it, I'm just changing myself. But some people will look at us and say, You're prideful, so you can no longer wash your clothes.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

Wash your clothes.

SPEAKER_01 37:05

Working hard, working smart. That's it.

Stigma, Shame, And Mental Health Talk

SPEAKER_00 37:08

Yes. Oh, wow, yes. And just bringing that also back to, you know, you said wrong beliefs. I think that might also eat into how people even view certain you know conversations even around your emotional well-being. So, do you think this is also a reason why emotional well-being conversations is still a hard conversation to have in many households, many communities, you know, the belief system. Do you think so?

SPEAKER_01 37:32

It is. Um, we one thing is belief, is also culture and the stigma.

SPEAKER_00 37:40

Yeah, stigma.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

The stigma and the shame. It goes back to that belief. When you believe that if you if you if you want to focus on your emotion, you are weak, you are sissy, right? Pray about it and forgive and just move on. You'll be alright. If you don't talk about it, you forget it, you move on. Meanwhile, this person really wanted to talk about it, really wanted to just know why. Really wanted to know, okay. I don't want to know if it's like I don't know why this happened, or this person did this, or that event happened. What about me? Why am I feeling like this? Why am I reacting like this? I want to know. So that I will be able to build my ass and I'll be able to build my resilience level to it and cope better next time, right? But that person is not able to cope, does not have any answer, and then similar thing happened again. The person goes sink even deeper, right? So they say if you go and see a counselor or a mental hypercy, you are colour, something is wrong with you. So that this thing is still there, even though we use other name, the person is mad, the person is not mad, they just want to be able to explore their emotions. Now I know the word as well, the awareness. Some people now are not even trivializing it, like everything, everything you're affecting my mental health, you have been this thing. So is that you trivialize it or out of shame and stigma, nobody wants to talk about it, right? But at the end of the day, you're not talking about it does not change anything, happening. So I would say, keep your mouth shut, seek the help that you need it to seek. Nobody needs to know your business, it's what you bring out that everybody will know. If you keep your mouth shut, nobody's gonna know. All right, so I would say drop the pride, drop the shame and the stigma, and get your art together.

A Gentle First Step This Week

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Yeah, get the help you need. So that then brings me to the next question I want to ask, which is you know, people are listening to this, and I'm sure there might be a few people who have actually felt overwhelmed, but they don't have the right avenue to talk about it, and or they don't even know where to start. So, what would be, you know, what would you say is a gentle step that you would suggest that someone in that space of being feeling emotionally overwhelmed or different things are happening should take this this week, for instance.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

The first place to start is self-love. Love yourself. Love love yourself, and if you love yourself, you'll be truthful to yourself. Yeah, I believe that when you love yourself, anything in short, I believe if you have love as your foundation, as your starting point, you'll be sincere with yourself, you'll be authentic. If you really love yourself, you know, you might find this a bit, maybe you find it funny, or maybe you you you've heard it before. I've asked people, do you love yourself? And they can't answer it. I kid you not. Yeah, do you love yourself? They can't answer it. But if I ask them, do you love your child?

SPEAKER_02 40:41

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:42

I love my child. Do you do you love your mother? Ah, that's my mother. If there's no issue, yeah. Do you love your spouse? Yeah, I like the love of my life. People admit that they love others faster than they admit some people than they admit that they love themselves. That same person asks a few seconds as the word is coming out, they answered. When you ask them, Do you love you? They keep quiet. So I would say for anybody out there, love yourself, start from a place of love. If you love yourself, you preserve your peace. And for you to get your peace, you need to be truthful to yourself. I always tell people silence does not equate peace. Under the silence, something might be blew in there. And before I go, please know that for every emotion that you feel it affects parts of your body, your organs. If you're someone that is always angry, please say pay attention and be mindful. Your stomach, you're likely to have stomach issues. Someone that has a lot of responsibility, more than their capacity, back pain, back pain and waist pain. You see that stress is another one. You are going through that cortisol, headache will be that become that person's companion. So love yourself and give yourself what you need. So the first place is to evaluate how are you feeling? Are you really feeling okay? Now I'm asking how are you? I'm not asking you how are you ideal now? I'm fine. No, how are you? How are you feeling? Ask yourself that, and then once you've you already know you're not fine. If you love yourself, take the right step and seek help. There are so many places you can seek help. You can seek help from me, I don't mind, but you can also seek help from other people. The main thing is that you are well and you're sound. Yeah, it doesn't matter how wealthy you are, it doesn't matter how comfortable you are, if your mental and emotional health is not well, you are not gonna go far. Yeah, you're not gonna go far. So I would say love you, love yourself. Please love yourself, it's so important.

The Meaning Of Authentic Thriving

SPEAKER_00 43:12

Okay, and as you're asking the question, I was asking myself, do you love yourself? No, I was checking like yeah. Um, I really hope that anyone is listening to overwhelmed that you will take the the nudge and really do the evaluation. Okay, so just as we round up, um, this this podcast that you started, the authentic driving podcast, um, I just want to know what was the inspiration behind it, uh, what you hope is that people are taking from you know the different because it touches on different things, what you really hope are the center of it that people are taking from it every time they listen to one of your discussions.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

To live their best life. We only have one. Life one had been shot one. So I would say live your best life because even Jesus did not please everybody. If he did, they will not be shouting crucify.

SPEAKER_00 44:16

Miracles that some of the people he helped were also shouted crucify him.

SPEAKER_01 44:20

Yeah. Miracles, everything he did, the state said crucifying. And like you rightly said, maybe some of those yield their children. We only have one life. So I believe that if you have one life, be authentic. And be okay, that not everybody will like you. So for me, I did authentic striving. You know, triving is a word I got from Psalm 1 verse 1 to 3. Some some Bible verses use flourishing. He said, as long as you do not, I'm paraphrasing, you do not stand before evil mayor, you meditate on his word day and night, right? He said, Your everything I I paraphrase, your skills, your talents remain evergreen. You'll be like a tree that is landed by the word of God, right? And then in every season of your life, some verses say you flourish, some verses say you you thrive. So if you are truly thriving, it's not package driving, it's authentic driving. And if you are thriving authentically, emotionally you should be okay. You should be good. Mentally, you should be good. Physically, you should be good, spiritually, you should be good. But the core of it all, if any of them flutters, you are not authentically thriving. This is why the word uh balance, I don't really buy into it. I believe in harmony, you know, bring everything together to just sink bit by bit, and we'll be okay. We'll adjust as we are going along. But balance, even if my honey put two things there, you put one thing, this one is going to drop. I lose my balance, then I'm not trying. But if we we are like this, uh when anything shake, we will shake together, everybody will shake together. Last last will be all right, right? So 10 tribing is this is why I bring people talking about their journey. I want people to know that it doesn't matter what you've been through. As you are going through that journey, don't wait till the turn before you become the light. Be the light inside that turn. Yeah, I want people to share their story. Share your story. Let me tell you, we have more than 8 billion people in the world, right? Yes, one person will be able to resonate with your story. I'll be like, ah, if it will be has been three days and she's shiny, I'll be alright. Yeah, so mine is to encourage people. I use that to encourage people. I can as well do everything happy, happy, happy, happy. I don't believe in all those fake happiness. I believe that no matter how hard this life has treated you, you will come out. It will come. There are money, there is night. It doesn't matter how dark the night is, the money will come. So I use the Altelli Tribal Podcast to share stories of people that they may not be celebrated, but their stories are so rich that when you hear it, you're like, ah, this person had eight miscarriages, and now I have their child, I'll be okay. Yes, I will have mine. And this person came to this country with nothing, and now they are thriving. I'll be okay. And this person lost everything, their business, and I'm okay. And this person went through domestic violence. Wow, that means I can also walk away and go and make a life out of my I cannot die here. So it's to encourage people to make people feel have that courage, have that confidence in themselves again to be resolute and say, I must be okay, I must strive, I only have one life. So that's why I said authentic as ingenu. Don't package it for us, come the way it is, and we'll be okay at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

We will thank you so much. I mean, I think the the tagline is live your best life. It's again been an honor sitting on the other side and asking you questions, and there's been a lot to learn from. I really hope that as people listen to this, they'll be blessed and they will learn the importance of actually living their best life. Thank you so much, Kudsonia.

How We Unwind And Rejuvenate

Subscribe And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_01 48:34

Thank you, thank you, Bobe. You've been a fantastic and amazing host. Thank you. Uh you you have been, no, seriously, you have been. Thank you very, very much. Right. So the I was gonna say the host has now become the guest. Oh, one key questions that we normally ask on this podcast. How do you how do I? I was gonna say, how do you? How do I um unwind? Oh, okay. Yeah, so one thing is discover what your happy place. One of my happy places is in nature. When I'm in nature, I'm just like a baby because growing up we had um a massive compound, and on the other side of the compound, my dad just used like a farm. It would put different things, the pineapple, different vegetables, and all of that stuff. We just used to go there and around the house was different fruits. We had a mango, two types of mango, the big and the small. We had the the cashew, we had the guava, we had the orange, we had pancana, we had different things, just not around the house. But the corn and this we can easily just averse. So I grew up in a place like that whereby I can easily just go into the ambols. So when I go to nature, it reminds me back of my childhood, and it's a happy place for me. Then the second one is do the things that make you happy. Making doing the things that I love effortlessly and seeing the transformation is making in people's lives one at a time, it just makes me feel like, yeah. And I underprifted, they will see paying for it. I'm like, thank you, Jesus. It's like I'm not working because this is something I could have even done without being paid for, pay for it, right? So doing all those webinars makes me feel good, but the main thing, another one is a massage. I must do my monthly massage. I it's my me, is my my me time. Nobody can take that one away from me and spend the time with good people, with good. I use the word they say people, with good people, people that when they laugh, you see their eyes that they are really for you. But laugh, you know that they are really for you, have a good life, and growth is another way I relax. So I might be relaxing, I might be listening to a podcast or audible a book. So getting that new knowledge, he has a way of just relaxing me, learning something new that hey, so this is it, and this is oh, this is interesting, you know. He has a way of releasing dopamine and all those good uh hormones in my body. I'm like, wow, so I find learning very fascinating. So it just helps to relax me, yeah. And playing, playing, being goofy, playing, yeah, playing, playing, being goofy, go to the park and join the children on the on the swing and get them to push you just like you are pushing them. Ah, that's good. If you're ready to microphone from surviving subscribe, to visit our website www.asultancy.com or supported, live coaching, and all that from our recovery programs and group courses, and we don't offer time therapy. All of this services is available virtually. So you do not even have any excuse of saying you do not want to leave your home. You have everything from the comfort of your home or support you to move from surviving to driving. Before you go, have you subscribed yet? Like, share, and comment, or resonate with you so far on this episode. If you have not done so, why don't you just click that button now? Thank you. Back to the program now. Yeah, that's me. That's me for sure. Anyway, so it would be how do you rejuvenate? I couldn't help it.

SPEAKER_00 53:02

Okay, I'll ask it myself, but I think for me, it's more of I just rest. So I like to go into this avenue of just being by myself and just powering down. It's almost like I'm shutting down my brain. When you're saying you like learning, I was like, ah, I was thinking coach Sonia is a very high potential human being. I want to power up, I just maybe spend 30 minutes, one hour just by myself, sometimes with praise and worship songs playing just by myself. Or sometimes it could be creating something new. So I like to bake because I half of the time my brain is thinking, if I combine this with this, what would it give me? So in those moments, I just want to go into the kitchen, take off my slippers, be comfortable, and just play around. So creating new things when I'm creative, really, even if it's putting together like a new post or working on a book or just bringing an idea that has been in my mind, but I've been too busy to bring it to life. You know, that process of creating and actually seeing it come out the way I want it, it helps me, it makes me very happy. So I think my more low energy I conserve my energy, but um, I try to creativity. I think when I'm just in my creative space, even if it's when I'm using my hands, maybe something like over Christmas. I did those um, I can't remember the name now, but those cards that you use stones and you kind of beautify it. That was I was so excited. I got everybody to do it with me. Was it by force activity? It was so calming for me because I was using my hands and my mind, and everything was working. So, yeah, I'm that kind of person.

SPEAKER_01 54:39

That's how I get it now. You know, I don't know if you've read, yeah. You've you should you do you have my book? If you read my book, In Harmony, I at listed, I brought it from um Dr. Sandra. Um, the seven types of rest. Yours is more of the social rest and creative rest, it kind of rejuvenates you quite a lot, and a bit of a spiritual rest as well, as you talk about the music. That is really, really good. Thank you so much, Ibube. Thank you. I will allow you to close the episode.

SPEAKER_00 55:09

Let me just have a tagline to close over.

SPEAKER_01 55:16

Okay, let me help you actually okay. Let me help you out. This has been authentic driving podcast, and your oath has been a winching follower to say until I come here again. Keep driving authentically, take care of it.