The Truth Isn't Enough: Why Timing Matters For Your Mental Health

You might be an honest person and still be the reason trust keeps cracking. That sounds harsh, but it’s one of the most common relationship traps: we tell the truth only when we’re asked, then we’re shocked when our partner, friend, or family member feels blindsided and betrayed. I’m unpacking the real difference between honesty and transparency, and why one can keep your conscience clean while the other keeps your connection alive. 

I walk through a story about a man who receives a long-awaited Canada visa approval and stays silent because he’s afraid of losing the woman he loves. When she finds out through someone else, everything explodes. Not because he lied, but because he withheld. From there, I break down what transparency actually sounds like in real life: sharing the facts early, naming the emotions underneath, and inviting the other person into your world before secrets turn into suspicion. 

We also get practical about how to build transparency in couples communication, family relationships, friendships, and business partnerships. I share steps like leading with honesty before you’re questioned, practising emotional visibility in everyday moments, checking the fear that drives hiding, and learning to listen without assuming judgement. You’ll also hear why “I was protecting you” can become a cover for distrust, and how emotional maturity turns uncomfortable talks into deeper intimacy and respect. 

If you’re ready for stronger trust and healthier communication, subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review telling me what transparency looks like in your life.

Transcript

Why Honesty Is Not Enough

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back. So I'm gonna be discussing something that I feel is very, very fundamental in so many relationships or in all relationships, however, it is not it's taken for granted. Yes, it is taken for granted, but it's actually the foundation of every relationship, and this is transparency and honesty. However, I feel that this is often muddled up. Some people feel like transparency and honesty are absolutely the same, they can't get run their head around it, that it is absolutely different. So I saw a film recently where a couple they were so smitten with one another, they could actually complete each other's sentences just by looking at one another. It was so beautiful to watch. They were committed, there was no chating involved, and everything. They were both committed to one another. However, this relationship lacked transparency but not honesty. It lacked transparency, but not honesty. You might be wondering, Sonia, these two, they are the same. Come on now. But I tell you what, they are not the same, they are absolutely different, totally different. They are absolutely different because so the guy finally got a visa that he has been waiting for. Everybody knows that when you're applying to get a visa to Canada, they can be so meticulous, they can take from six months to one year plus to even reply to your application form, or probably they'll be asking for one thing or the other. So when this guy applied for the visa, he was not in any relationship, was just a young guy that was you know working really hard to make his life better. And then he found the lady that won his heart, and it got into that relationship with this lady, forgot about completely about the Canadian application that he applied for, and then suddenly, where they were already deep in the relationship. Guess what happened? He got an email of the embassy saying that they've approved his visa his visa, and then he needs to then start processing every other thing to get to Canada. He was so so scared. He loved being honest with this lady, however, it just felt I is it good if you tell her she might break up the relationship or she might get really hurt. But he said, I'll come back for her, but I just don't know how to tell her. The friend did warn him. The voice, the fine, the friend was a voice of wisdom, and then he told him that you should tell her, but no, he would not listen. It was like I'm just gonna find the right moment to tell her, I've gonna find the right moment to tell her. So let's bring this home. Have you ever been hurt by someone that you've not because of the lie that they lie, but because they did not trust you enough to share information with? It is really, really sad because he did not tell the girlfriend. However, when his girlfriend was talking to his friend, by the way, eating, it was just like, Oh, this food is so nice. This is what my friend will be missing when he gets to Canada. And she was shocked. Canada, your friend is going to Canada. Which your friend, my boyfriend is going to Canada. She went leavid and immediately walked in and he said, Are you going to Canada? and the boy said, Yes, that is going to Canada. She was livid, she was absolutely fuming. And then she asked, At what point were you going to tell me that you were going to Canada? Is it when you get there you send me a message via email, via text, or you just call me and say, I'm not in the other side of the world. I will catch you away when I catch you. What was it? How are you gonna break it to me? And then he said, I'm really sorry. I knew what we had was special, but I did not know how when the right I could not find the right time to tell you this. That really made me think, wow, this is what a lot of us do. This is what a lot of us do that make our relationship not to have a good foundation. Honesty means telling the truth when asked. So when she asked, have you got a visa? Are you traveling to Canada? He said, Yes, that was honesty. However, she wanted transparency whereby he would have sat her down and said, I have got a visa to Canada. I am feeling very afraid and worried to tell you because I don't want to lose you. But I thought I should share with you now. That is transparency. Can you see the difference? Okay, yeah the difference. One is facial, the other is relational. One shares information, the other shares emotions. Transparency isn't just about facts, it's about inviting the person to come into your world, and then you just tell them how you feel and you let them know. You share your concerns and your worries, and that is when trust grows. Because trust doesn't live in a big confusion, it lives in this more consistent openness. You know, every time where I don't have to wait for other people, I don't have to press you to find out the truth about what is going on in your world. You just open up and you tell me by yourself. Honesty sometimes can be a struggle. People have to, you have to be caught until you become honest. Did you do this? Yes. But why did you not share it before you were told? Because we fear that we might get into conflict, we fear that we might be disappointed, we might be rejected, or we might be judged. As a result of that, we choose not to be honest. This has broken so many relationships that we can think about. It is sad that I still see this happening in parents and children's relationships, in couples' relationships, in friendship as well. There is people are very honest, but they are not often transparent with one another. If you are not transparent with your friend, with your child, with your parent, with your spouse, sooner rather than later, there will be trust issues. They might also become very, very paranoid, and they will not trust you anymore. A relationship without trust is really bad. It is really, really bad. When you build your relationship whereby you cannot leave yourself to be vulnerable, transparency allows you to be vulnerable to the person, and then it brings mushroom understanding. Fear of confrontation, fear of being misunderstood, fear of emotional exposure is not an excuse not to be honest with your child, not to be honest with your spouse, not to be honest with someone that you claim to have a relationship with. When you withhold information, and then you not say I was protecting you. Were you really protecting the person? Or you just did not trust the person enough to let them into your world, and then it became a betrayer by omission, and that is what it is. Transparency requires us to have the emotional maturity, the courage to be seen as not perfect because nobody is perfect. Transparency helps to build your emotional regulation, it helps you to be grounded, it helps you a lot. Transparency is powerful, it helps you to be seen for who you are, it helps you to be authentic, it helps you to appear as human. There is no one that is perfect, and that is what makes relationship real, and that is what makes it grow. This episode is sponsored by ASAP Consultancy, personal transformation for the mind, body, and soul. If you are ready to life and move away from depression, heal anxiety, move away from traumatic emotional pain, and live with confidence in the ability to gain humanity, for you to move from surviving to thriving. Why don't you visit our website www.aseconsultancy.com. We'll support you through counseling, life coaching, and other trauma recovery programs, grief courses, and it will even offer one at a time therapy. All of these services is available virtually, so you do not even have any excuse of saying you do not want to leave your home. You have everything from the comfort of your home will support you to move from surviving to thriving. Before you go, have you subscribed yet? Like, share, and comment on what resonates with you so far on this episode. If you have not done so, why don't you just click that button now? Thank you. Back to the program now. So let us return back to the story. So the girlfriend discovered the truth and she could not deal with it. She just could not deal with it because prior to that, he had also withhold another information from her where someone else was, you know, um getting all mushy-mushy with him, was chasing after him and stuff like that. But he did not want this person, and yet you were still doing business with this person. How do people do it? You know that someone has a soft spot for you, and then you carry on doing business with them. You are going to be emotionally compromised because even if you don't want this person will keep battering you with advances. Anybody that you know has feelings for you, you shouldn't be doing business with. Because if you do and you are married or you are in a committed relationship, what that means is that you will end up you know betraying this person, either you you just fall, or this person might set you up. So, what is the point of staying in a place that you know that is not going to be beneficial for you? It will ruin you up emotionally, mentally, and you will not be able to concentrate because you may this person, this other person may not find out yet, but when they find out and then they ask you and they they start doing the confession thing, and you say, I'm just being honest. When you ask me, I could have lied, but no, that honesty is a little bit too late. Transparency is needed, much needed in relationship to help the relationship grow. Transparency helps you to remain authentic, it helps people to see you for who you are, and they will love, and for you to also find out if they will love you regardless. Honesty keeps your conscience clean, transparency keeps your connection alive. Whatever information you divulge when you are being caught, to me, that is not actually pure honesty. You are you are just saying what you need to say because you've been caught. You can be honest and still leave your your partner emotionally in the dark, but transparency will light up the space between you. There will be nothing in your closet, you will just say it the way it is, and the truth is whoever really loves you and appreciates you will forgive you and accept you just the way you are. Transparency creates an emotional bridge where both people in the relationship can talk, can walk towards the truth, even when it feels uncomfortable. And that is what makes our relationship healthy. That is what gives our relationship a strong foundation. It helps us to build a relationship that is real and not fake. It is so important that we are courageous when we are communicating with one another. It is so, so important. So for those of you that are struggling, you say I'm a very honest person, I've got integrity, but I'm not a transparent person. And at the end of the day, you end up hurting people that you're in a relationship with, whether in business, whether in a romantic relationship, whether in a family relationship, you keep secret here and there. And then when you're caught, it starts singing and saying, Oh, yeah, that's the truth. But I told you the truth. No, don't go on the defensive. Transparency is you saying it before you are caught, is you disclosing it before the person finds out. So, how do we create relationships where transparency feels natural? It feels it helps to elevate the closeness between you and the person you are in a relationship with. The first one is lead with honesty before being asked. Right? Just when information, when things happen, disclose it to the parties that are involved. When information lands, you need to share it with people that you feel are supposed to know, or they will find out anyways. Just let them know. Don't just share the facts and say, Oh, I've done this, or this is what has happened. No, you need to share how that it makes you feel. So, for example, let's say you invested in a business and it was not successful, but you did not tell your spouse, and you know that this will eventually make your finances um low, right? So, why don't you just tell the person that I'm really sorry that I invested in something, however, I did not tell you. I just want to let you know that I've invested in this game, but it did not work out, and now this has affected our finances. I'm sorry that I did not tell you. I feel really bad that I did not share with you, I did not confide in you even before making the investment decision. But I thought it is time that I'm off front with you. I'm just being transparent with you. I feel really bad that I hurt you. I feel really bad that I did not let you in this decision-making process. Perhaps you would have helped me out. I am sorry that I did not tell you. It scares me that I did this without telling you, and it bothers me, but I will not allow this to happen again. I am sorry. When you disclose such information, you are being transparent. Because if you disclose it after you are the your wife or the person you're dating, find out, because now they're asking, maybe let's let's use this money for this, and the money is no longer there, and then you're not saying I used it, then you are honest, but you are not transparent. But if you share it before, then you are transparent and in an honest way. You see that that's the difference. So it's so important that if you want your anybody in a relationship with you, whether business, if you're making you have a investor or you have partners in your business, even it's so important that you are transparent. That's where the respect comes from, that's where the integrity you build a good name for yourself. A good name is better than wealth. Let's remember that. Now, you also have to learn how to practice emotional visibility. Let the people you are in a relationship with, whether it be business, whether it be romance, even parents and children as well. This happened where parents are only honest, but they are not transparent until your child finds out something that you are unwell, before you will not tell them yes, or until your child finds out that the family is not um able to go on holiday that you have promised them before you're not saying yes, you're not going. Those little white lies that you are telling your children will sow a seed of doubt in their mind that they will also begin to treat you like that. They will also start withholding things from you. So let us learn to practice emotional visibility whereby you allow your stakeholders, let's call it like that, or your spouse, know what you're thinking, not only when things is when things go wrong, but also in everyday moments. Just let the person know. Some people go or as in their mood changes when things are not okay, but you do not disclose such things to your business partner or your spouse, and then everybody starts assuming different things or try to fill in the gap. It is emotionally drainy and it brings distress as well. People will start suspecting you that you are not being real, you are being cagey, perhaps you're hiding something. Now you also need to check your fear. It is so important. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of that will happen if I become transparent? Do you feel that the person will use the information against you? Do you feel that the person will judge you? Do you feel that you will be rejected? Do you feel that it will leave you feeling so exposed and you don't want to be vulnerable like that? If it is fear, just realize that fear has got a lot to do with rejection, and sometimes it's from any of those things, is from our past experiences. So it is better that you resolve that within yourself and be seen as someone that is transparent. It's very, very important that you are transparent in all your relationship. Now, you also need to learn how to listen to people's responses without assuming that they are judging you. Of course, when you are being transparent with people, people will have various reactions based on their previous experiences. But it's so important that you listen to understand and not to react to them or to start playing the victim. When people share things with you, you already know about that information. You sat with it for the longest of time. But remember that the person that you are sharing with only just found out this information. So give them the grace to also catch up with their processing and understanding of what you've shared because sometimes it might just be struck to understand or to process it, and they might just close up on you, or sometimes they might just overreact, whichever way that they choose to respond. Remember, you knew that information before the person, so it is fair that you give them the time to also process that information, give them time for them to process that information. Perhaps they would then learn how to respond to you better. Okay, so it is so important that you give them that space as well. Now, I want you to reflect and think about what I've said. Honesty is different from transparency. So I want you to, as you listen, replay this and reflect. Are you an honest and a transparent person in your relationship? Or have you been practicing honesty and not transparency? If there is anything that you are holding back, I want you to ask yourself, what is it I'm scared of? Resolve within yourself to come out with it so that you can have a beautiful relationship. Honesty will make you truthful, transparency will make you trustworthy. Both are very, very essential to build a great relationship that will not lead to hurt our. Ever if you practice honesty without transparency you sometimes you end up speaking the truth only when you are caught if you practice transparency you will be honest even before you are caught. I I'm going to pray for you that God give you the courage to be transparent with people that you love, with people you do business with, with your family, with your children, and may your truth invite a deeper harmony, deeper connection and not distance. In Jesus' name, amen. I want to thank you for joining me in this episode today, and I really do hope that you live your life in an authentic way and keep being keep driving. Take care. I remain your host, Abia Sunia, until I come your way again. Keep driving. And please remember to subscribe, share, comments to see how you have used this in your relationship. Do you think you are an honest person or you are a transparent person? If you are an honest person alone, sometimes you are not always transparent. But if you are a transparent person, you are often honest. Okay, because you need honesty and transparency as well. But often you do not need transparency to be honest. You see what I mean there. I'm just being word player. Take care and God bless.