The Hidden Cost Of Conditional Kindness

Kindness can look beautiful on the surface and still be a transaction underneath. We talk honestly about the moment “being kind” turns into a strategy: a way to climb, to be seen, to get access to certain rooms, or to polish a personal brand. If you have ever watched someone’s warmth disappear the minute your status changed, you will recognise the pattern and you will also recognise why it leaves people feeling used, confused, and guarded.

We unpack what sustainable kindness actually looks like when nobody is watching. We share practical, grounded examples: paying for a struggling parent’s groceries, welcoming the new colleague who sits alone, checking on the friend who has gone quiet, donating uniforms and toys, or clearing snow so others can walk safely. We also explore why kindness can be hard to receive, how suspicion is sometimes a scar from past experiences, and why it takes courage to stay open-hearted after you have been taken for granted.

Then we bring it closer to home: do we treat the receptionist with the same respect as the CEO, and are we kind to ourselves on the days we fall short? We reflect on self-talk, boundaries, discernment, and the ripple effect of kindness across families and communities. If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations.

Transcript

Welcome And Why We Gather

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Authentic Traveling Podcast. This is a sacred space to share soulful truth that nourishes the body, which relates the mind and awakens the spirit as a traptide human being. I am your host, Abia Sonia Ebenezer Balobayon. I am a life coach, a counselor and a speaker who is passionate about personal transformation. I'm also an author of the book Inner Ammonia Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnout. It is available on Amazon and on my website www.aseconsultancy.com. On this podcast, we hold space for real stories through interview and we have an honest reflection about the journey of our speakers or our guests. We share soulful conversation with them in order for us to be able to extract their lessons and how they were able to survive very difficult experiences. So that we do not have to reinvent the wheel, but to learn from them and to grow and rise together. I also share experiences from my own life and also from what is happening in the community so that we can learn and also from a professional perspective. Because striving isn't about just surviving the past, it's about living with courage, gratitude, and harmony for holistic well-being. Thank you for

When Kindness Turns Transactional

SPEAKER_00 1:29

joining me. On today's episode, I'm going to be talking on kindness. I've noticed that a lot of people in recent times they have become kind for a reason. So it's as if kindness is now a strategy. A strategy that is used to get from point A to point B, a strategy that is used to climb up, a strategy that is used in order for you to get into certain good books. A strategy that is used in order for you to be seen as very, very supportive. Have you ever experienced it that when someone is kind to you in certain season, you're like, oh, this person is very kind. However, maybe you were in a certain position and that was why they were kind to you. But when that position you are no longer there and you see the other side of this person, you begin to wonder what is going on. This person was not like this before. It's almost as if they were wearing a mask and the mask just fell off when you were no longer of value to them. I've seen people use kindness as a strategy in order to get into certain network or connection. I've seen people use strategy, use kindness as a strategy. Kindness is not a tool that you pick up when you want something from someone. It is not networking dressed up in soft words and you are showering words and praises, you have been at their services, as long as you can get something back in return. Suddenly, especially with social media, kindness is almost like a performance that people applaud when the video is on, and when the video is off, you go back to status quo, like you never even know the person. Kindness should be a lifestyle. And when I say lifestyle, it's not like something that is trendy today or something that is fashionable, because strength comes and goes, fashion comes and goes. Kindness is the support that you give to people without expecting nothing in return. Kindness is you being there for someone because you genuinely care about their welfare. Kindness is you encouraging someone. Kindness is you being helpful without even being asked. Kindness is you supporting someone with no condition attached to it. Kindness is all about doing the right thing at the right time. When did we start using kindness as a transaction in our life? For kindness to be sustainable, it has to be authentic, it has to be consistent, it has to be fair. Why have we suddenly started misunderstanding kindness? Being kind to someone in higher position so that they can open the door for you to also climb to where they are. Being kind to people when the camera is on and they are recording you, like, oh, I'm gonna be kind, I'm gonna be generous with my word and stuff like that, so that the world can applaud you and say, Wow, this person is such a kind person. Kindness when you know that okay, if I do this, it will enhance my brand, it will help my influence, it should be good for my repetition. But that is not kindness, it is transactional. Anything that is transactional is not kindness. Anything that you do for a strategy, it is not kindness. The danger with kindness that is being done in a transactional way is that it's not sustainable, it burns out, it collapses when there is no longer return of investment. It fades away. So kindness as a lifestyle does not depend on what the outcome is, it just flows naturally. I will say kind words to you, even if you don't even appreciate the kind words. You just say because the person needed it, or the person has actually ended it. When I mean end it, I mean someone is being is doing good things, they are showing up for people that they don't even know, they are with their skills, with their resources. Of course, you should give them that compliment, kind words, give them the kind words for them to know that you appreciate them. That is kindness.

What Sustainable Kindness Looks Like

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Now, what does a sustainable kindness look like? Sonia, you're talking about kindness, kindness, kindness, kindness. What does it what does it look like apart from you giving compliments? It's showing up for people that cannot give you anything back in return. The single mother that is at the tail in front of you, struggling to make payment with vouchers, a card is bouncing, and you have a little bit extra. Kindness is you offering your card to pay for that grocery. And you don't even know the person. Kindness is showing up for that colleague who is new, and because you all have clicks in the office, they end up sitting on their own during lunchtime. Kindness is you going up to them, getting to know them, talk with them, have lunch with them. You don't have to always sit in clicks during lunchtime, I just leave the new people. No, kindness is you going, getting to know people and bringing them inside so that it is not they are not feeling isolated. Everything is inclusive. Kindness is teaching your child that it is good to say hi to that new person in the class. It is good to sit with them. Kindness is you giving that person a call that maybe is vibrant in your group, and then all of a sudden they've gone quiet. Kindness is you ringing them up and saying, How are you today? Have no heard from you, have you not been very active in the group. I just wanted to check on you to see if you're okay. Kindness is instead of throwing your old school uniforms away that your children use, kindness is taking dry cleaning it, ironing it, folding it very carefully, and then taking it to school, giving it to the receptionist and saying, I am donating this to school in case there are people that cannot afford a uniform. Kindness is you looking after people, not because of what they can give you, not because they can take you to where you are going, but you just know that at that time this person needs my support, and I'm going to be kind. Even if I don't they didn't ask me, or even if they are not, I'm not gonna get anything in return. Kindness is not a transaction, like I said before. Kindness is not about what will you get back, it's not about what will this person do for me, what can they do for me. Kindness is light, it doesn't train you, instead, it sustains you, it keeps humanity alive. Kindness is taking your old clothes, your children's old toys, and donating it to charity, giving that old toy in your house, becoming a new toy to another person that cannot afford it. Kindness is you doing the right thing at the right time. Kindness is about just being genuine, caring, supportive, helpful. I remember when it snows and our front front front um garden is covered with snow, and then the pathway is covered with snow. When my husband gets the shovel to start shoveling and sorting the pathway, it doesn't just stop in front of my house. He tries to shovel it the pathway down, and that means it cut across my neighbors. Because there will be school children that will be walking past that we don't even know where they live. They are not actually our neighbors, they are far away from us. Our neighbors will come at us where they will use that pathway. We will use that pathway, but because he is a kind person, he's going to shovel the whole so that everybody can benefit from it. What is the point of just shoveling the front of the house and leaving the pathway full of snow? What is the point of that? It's not going to serve just his family, it will end up serving everybody that will work past the school children, our neighbors, even with the family, and everybody. Kindness is rooted in authenticity. It is you just showing up. And you don't crave recognition when you are being kind. You don't do it in order for you to show up, and the bosses be like, oh, this person deserved this now, or your connections will not give you contract because of that. It's you just choosing to be the light in someone's darkness. When we practice kindness as a lifestyle, you see yourself just being kind with nobody watching, just being kind for no reason. It becomes a part of you. You become more empathetic, you become more happy. Because kindness is double way. You that is being kind, you end up feeling good. The person you are being kind to ends up feeling good as well.

Receiving Kindness And Staying Wise

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Kindness, I know, is not always easy. Because some people they are not good at receiving. I remember when I was in a church, and someone walked up to a lady and say, You're looking so beautiful today. Those are kind words. And then she said, Please don't pull my lego. Ah, am I looking kind of this um just old dress I just threw on today? I was just like, Wow, how did she get here? She's struggling to receive compliments. A kind word was offered to her, but she couldn't even receive it, she doubted it. And what that brought up for me is that what experiences made her to start believing that when people give her compliments, they are not genuine. Some of us struggle to receive kind words because we do not 100% believe those kind words. We are suspicious, we're paranoid. We think someone wants something from you. If a man pays you compliments, you think maybe he likes you, maybe he wants to ask you out. If a woman gives you compliments, you think maybe the person likes you. It's not always like that. You can receive kind words without attaching anything to it, without you thinking that there is a motive, there's an alternative motive to it. That is not how kindness works. You just get kind words because you deserve it and take it like that, accept it and move on. So I also know that sometimes some people have been kind and they feel they've been taken for granted. People exploit you because of your kindness, and as a result, some people their heart become hardened. They don't want to be kind because they feel like if they are being kind, they will be taken for granted. If you are out there today, I send you peace and love. Do not allow this word change you to who you are not, because you will end up operating as not your authentic self, and that alone is living in a prison. You cannot keep on stopping yourself from being kind because the last person you were kind to did not appreciate it. You have to be kind, but you also have to be wise. So both can coexist. Discerning, is this person taking me for granted, or do they genuinely need this help so that you can then resp you can then be willing to be kind to them? Because I know some people take the make sometimes, some people take it for granted. I do know that. But we also have to remain who we are. If not, you become a chameleon. If someone is unkind to you, you'll be unkind to them. If someone is kind to you, you'll be kind to them. So when you start doing that, it becomes a transaction, it is no longer your true authentic self. Kindness should be a language that even the blind can see, and the deaf should be able to hear it loud and clear. Your kindness should transcend race. The color of our skin is just color. What flows inside is the same. It is blood. It is blood that flows inside us, regardless of our skin color. Kindness should not be used in order for you to gain privileges from those that you feel are ahead of you. Kindness should be our shared humanity with one another. I know when people hurt you, when people take you for granted, it's you require loads of courage, loads of empathy for you to be kind to the next person. But we mustn't allow people to change us. We have to ignore the injustice, learn from it, and be able to discern better in the future. We have to ensure that we remain our authentic self and be a positive change agent wherever we go. So,

Status, Fairness And Self-Kindness

SPEAKER_00 15:35

my own question to you today is when was the last time you were kind to someone or to people and you did not expect anything in return? Ponder on that. And the next question is do you treat people differently because of their status or socioeconomic status? So, for example, you go into a company, the lady at the reception, do you treat her with kindness and respect the way you treat the CEO you are there to see? Or do you greet them shabbily and you are very impatient with them? And when the CEO comes, you curtsy. Meanwhile, you spoke to the research, hi. Can I you or sometimes you don't even say hi? You just say, Is your boss around? The fact the fact that you know the boss doesn't mean you should talk down on the staff that is not being kind. Are we kind with our words? Are we kind with our actions? Now I'm going to bring it in in this world that is so loud, and yet so many things are happening in different places inside of us. The word is loud, but the inside of us, things are happening that nobody says. Are you kind to yourself? Are you kind to yourself on the days that you are successful in what you plan, in what you set out to do? And the days that you are not able to achieve all your goals, are you kind to yourself? I want you to think about it. Are you only kind to yourself when you are you feel successful, you feel you've achieved your goal, you feel you've achieved that connection, the person you have been trying to connect with to give you the next contract, you've done it. So as a result, I see yourself as successful. So the words, your entire dialogue becomes really kind. But what about the days you go out? You're not able to make that connection, you are not able to get a contract, you are not able to achieve the things that you set out to do for that day. Are you kind to you? Because you cannot give what you don't have, you can only give what you have. Kindness has to start from the inside. If you are kind to yourself, there is higher chances that you'll be kind to others. But if you are having those wicked internal dialogues to yourself where you are not kind to yourself, when things don't work out, you call yourself failure, you validate yourself that yes, you've always thought that you were dumb, and so you are dumb. When you start having those dialogues with yourself, you are not going to be kind, you're not kind to yourself. Because the action, the feelings that will precede that will be very, very bad mood, deep down mood, and then the actions that will follow that. You treat yourself anyhow, you don't treat yourself well, you don't present yourself well, and people are watching you because most of the time people will treat us the way we train them to treat us, and the way we train them to treat us is the way we treat ourselves first. If you treat yourself with love and kindness, people will follow through and treat yourself with love, treat you with love and kindness. However, if you treat yourself with disdain as not enough, as not a person of worth and value, people will definitely treat you like that. So ask yourself, is your word kind before you speak it out? If it's not kind, don't you think it's better for you not to say nothing if your word is not kind? If your actions is not kind, don't you think it's better for you not to do anything than to do something unkind? If your kindness is a strategy, think about it. People will also use strategies around you, and when you are no longer of use to them, they will also discard you the way you do others. It's a matter of time.

Sponsor Message And Ways To Engage

SPEAKER_00 19:43

This episode is sponsored by ACEP Consultancy, a home of personal transformation for the mind, body, and soul. If you are ready to rise upon burn out, move away from depression, heal anxiety, break fruit from traumatic emotional pain, and live with confidence in order for you to gain clarity, for you to move from surviving to thriving. Why don't you visit our website www.aseconsultancy.com. We'll support you through counseling, life coaching, and other trauma recovery programs, grief courses, and it will even offer one at a time therapy. All of these services is available virtually, so you do not even have any excuse of saying you do not want to leave your home. You have everything from the comfort of your home will support you to move from surviving to thriving. Before you go, have you subscribed yet? Like, share, and comment on what resonates with you so far on this episode. If you have not done so, why don't you just click that button now? Thank you. Back to the program now.

Small Daily Acts That Matter

SPEAKER_00 20:54

So reflect, have kind words, kind thoughts, kind actions. It's so important. So, how do we start this? Remember, I just said with yourself, start with yourself, and then also extend that kindness to others. Be kind to your spouse, be kind to your children. When you do things that is not be quick to apologize, don't be prideful. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your colleague, be kind to your family, be kind to your neighbors, be kind, just be kind, full stop. Nothing back, don't expect anything back. Kindness is not always in the big thing that you do for people. It's the small eye contact you give to people when you know that they are nervous and you reassure them. It's a gentle smile. You smile to people that during the interview they are feeling so nervous, they can't get their words out. It's that gentle smile and the soft word that proceeds. And say it's okay. I can see you are a bit nervous. Take your time and wait for your response. Reassuring them gently that they've got this. Kindness is that listening ears that you give to people without interrupting. Just listen. Just let people pour out their heart. And when they are done, hold the space for them. Another thing you need to do again is to ask yourself, check yourself. What is your motive that you are being kind to this person? Are you expecting something back? Are you doing it because of who they know? Are you doing it because of their position? Because if that's why you are doing it, you are having a transaction, not kindness, and you are with your return of investment. And this is why some people they get upset when their return of investment did not come at in their strategic kindness. Be kind to people, not only when they give you things, some people they will be kind to you as long as they can get from you. The days they cannot get from you, they will be nasty, they will discard you, they will pretend as if you never existed. Are you that kind of person? So kindness is something that you do without getting tired. It replenishes you, it gives you energy, it rejuvenates you, it gives you joy and peace in your heart. So if you are those that are out there that have been kind on the days that you can exploit people, check yourself, be kind to people, whether the days they respond to you and the days that they don't have anything to give you. Right? So be consistent with your kindness, extend kindness to yourself every time. Don't say this kindness is too much to yourself because you want to scold yourself that you really did bad today. Why could you not get this? You could have managed your time well. Yeah, evaluate yourself, but please mind your internal dialogue. It is so, so important. So

Inclusion At Work And In Church

SPEAKER_00 24:19

I remember when I was new to my workplace and um where I used to work, and every lunchtime I would just sit on my own and have my lunch, especially when you're doing supply or contract job. So you're never in a place for a long time. You go there, you do your contract, and you go. So you never really get into the team. And most of the time, the clicks they just sit on their own and you just stay there. You just eat while they are all laughing. You can hear their laughter, their laughter, their giggling and everything, but you're just there. And then one person will come in and say, Hey, how are you doing? Oh, that's what you haven't for lunch, and you know you share. And then the next thing is like, Where are you from? Um, are you a contrast staff or are you here with us permanently? And then you start talking. Oh, really? And they sit with you. There is this, there's this kind. I I felt it's as if someone gave me a warm embrace. It's so nice. It doesn't matter how confident you are. Um I I just felt so good. Like, wow, this person saw me and thought it wise enough to come and sit with me and have lunch with me and just talk to me. He made me feel like part of the team, he made me feel um welcome in the place. And since then, whenever I'm in a place and I see anybody sitting on their own, I always go there. I always go and sit with that person and get acquainted with them. Because I know how much I appreciated it. So maybe someone is new to your church, and then people just sit in clicks. They find up doing that in churches. Nobody woke up and say, hi, how are you doing? You know, get to know them. So when people are new, get to know them, get their number if it's okay by them. When they don't come to church, check on them. I remember when I was just new to the UK and the church that we were attending will go every Sunday, even though I come back from work that morning, that Sunday morning, I will still ensure that I go to church because I was brought up to always that Sunday is for church. If I don't go, it's as if I'm I'm falling ill. So my day isn't complete. So I'll always make sure I've not slept. I quickly have my shower, and then my sister and uh my sister and I will quickly go and take the bus. And Sunday the buses are not regular, and I remember we'll go to that church. It was far, it was far, and we're going every time. And one time my sister and I were poorly, we were not feeling so strong, so we couldn't go to the church. One Sunday, two Sunday, nobody even asked after us. I was just like, wow, wow, this is so bad. I said, I'm not going back to that church, and then a few months later, one lady sent us a letter, you know, um asking how where and also invite him informed us that a program was also coming up. I was so joyful to receive that. I was very, I said, this is so kind, this is so kind of her. Lisa was her name. This is so kind, this is so kind of her. And till we left that church, oh my goodness, I was so mindful of that woman. I uh I never missed an opportunity to appreciate her. And if I go to church, I must look for her to say hi to her. Because her kindness warmed my heart. In the new country, no parents, just my sister and I. She that kindness touched my core being, and I really appreciated it. Kindness is contagious. If you are kind, your children are watching you. Your children will also be kind. I remember I used to expose I used to work with children with special need, and I used to expose my children to them whenever I know someone I have a special needs child. And my children, I know they are very comfortable with children with special needs, they are not scared because they know that their mother has exposed, has given them the opportunity to interact, and there is nothing scary about it. Because known sometimes can be scary, and they will step away from it. And as I'm sure I've mentioned this in the podcast before, my children's teacher, I'm always kind to them, people that stay with my children seven hours plus. So you have to be kind to them. Every end of the year, I send them something. I send them something. And when my daughter got into college, without me telling her, she used her own money to also buy something like a chocolate and gave it to our lecturers in in college. And I thought, when I when she told me, where are you taking this box of chocolate to? She said, Oh, I'm giving it to my teachers. I was like, oh wow. I was so proud of her because she has seen me model it many times. So she just cultivated her habit. Your children are washing. If you are doing connection kindness, they also wash, they also do it. That is transactional kindness. Your kindness might encourage another person to be kind. Your fairness might plant a seed in someone's heart for every kindness that you are doing.

The Ripple Effect Through Family

SPEAKER_00 29:20

It's never forgotten because God is washing all of us. So kindness creates a ripple effect that people that you don't even know might end up enjoying your kindness, or your whole family member might end up enjoying the kindness seed that you've planted in a fertile ground. We cannot control the ripple effect of kindness, but we can control the drop. So every small art of kindness is a drop in the ocean of humanity, and together those drops create waves of positive change and make our world, our community, our people, a better place, our family a better place, and a better people. So I want you to reflect on this. Have you stopped being kind because of what someone did to you? Wake up. Don't do that. Are you being kind because you want to get to the top? You want that connection? Wake up is not the best. Kindness is not a strategy. Kindness is not a transaction. So don't stop expecting return of investment. Kindness is a lifestyle. It is fairness, it is authentic, it is a quiet choice to do the right thing at the right time. Kindness is the way you treat people regardless of their status, their socioeconomic status, their skin color, their position, their condition, their title. If you want anything in this life to at leave you, it's kindness. Kindness is a good foundation. Kindness does not have any currency barrier. Kindness is respected everywhere, is appreciated by most, not those that will take advantage. Because when all else fade, when the title goes, when the position goes, when the achievement is is is faded, what will remain in people's hearts think about you. How people remember you they'll remember how you made them feel the words you spoke to them, the things that you did. So I'm encouraging you today to choose kindness, live kindness, be kindness, let kindness be your lifestyle. Stop reserving kindness for those that can take you to where you are going. It is not good. Give kindness to everyone and anyone. Kindness is you celebrating people. Some people will always celebrate you when you've achieved something big. Some people always celebrate you, even on your birthdays or on things, only when you are in particular status. They always celebrate those that are in certain positions. If you are not in certain position, when you take pictures with them, they will not even put it on there, put it anywhere. Sometimes they might even delete it. They will see you, they will not even say hi. That's not kindness. Let's stop all this transactional kindness and move on. I hope we learn that. We learn something from this today. Let's begin to practice sustainable kindness, authentic kindness, and make our space a better place and be a better person as well. Until

Final Reflection And Questions

SPEAKER_00 33:01

I come your way again, subscribe, share, like, and comment as well. Have anybody be has anybody been kind to you that made you feel warm? That made you feel so appreciated, that made you feel so good. Please comment. What is your experience with kindness and how did it make you feel? I want to see you, I want to hear your response. I want to read, read, I want to read your response in the comment section. Until I come away again, and the many of us are keeping kind, keep it lovely, not as a strategy, but as a lifestyle. Take care and God bless you.