3-24 The Power of Self-Love: Recognizing the Signs and Building a Healthier Relationship with Yourself

Have you ever stopped to consider how you speak to yourself? Our latest episode explores the transformative power of self-love and its profound impact on our lives. Join me as I share my journey of overcoming past mistakes and addiction, and how the love and support of my first fiancé, Russ, helped me see my worth beyond my troubled past. We delve into the emotional challenges faced after his unexpected death and highlight the importance of self-compassion during times of grief.

Balancing a demanding corporate career, building a photography business, and enduring personal losses can be overwhelming. Discover how prioritizing self-care, through practices like exercise and journaling, can enhance your mental and emotional resilience. We'll talk about the critical need to replenish your well-being to support yourself and loved ones, setting a standard for how others treat you and reinforcing that self-love is not selfish but essential for a fulfilling life.

Our discussion also covers the complex dynamics of self-love and the need for external validation. We tackle insecurities and societal pressures that lead to people-pleasing behaviors and judgmental attitudes. Learn how to establish healthy boundaries and practice positive self-talk, shifting your mindset towards self-compassion. Embrace your authentic self and prioritize self-love to foster healthier relationships and cultivate a more rewarding life. Listen in and share your progress with us as you embark on your journey of self-discovery and growth.

Chapters

• 0:05 The Power of Self-Love
• 13:12 The Importance of Self-Care
• 20:08 Signs of Self-Love and Validation
• 28:14 Navigating Insecurities and Self-Love
• 45:10 Establishing Boundaries and Self-Love
• 1:02:12 Embracing Self-Love for Progress

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Bella Grace podcast. Whether you are struggling to find balance, using unhealthy behaviors or substances to cope, or you just want to unlock the root cause of what's holding you back, bella Grace coaching can help you transform your life mind, body and soul, and this week we are doing that by talking about the power of self-love and recognizing the signs and building a healthier relationship with yourself. So I'm so glad you are here. I want to share a little bit about my journey with self-love and why it is an essential part of emotional health and growth. So for a long time I didn't love myself. I had made some serious mistakes in my life, I had made some choices that weren't that great and I spent a lot of time hiding who I was, hiding my true self from the people around me.

Speaker 1: 1:08

So I've shared on here before that when I was in high school, I was in a very tumultuous relationship. That relationship resulted in a teen pregnancy and a subsequent abortion, and then after that I really struggled with substance use because I was trying to drown out the emotions and the shame and the guilt and all of the hurt and pain associated with my experience as a high school student in an abusive relationship. So I and the teen pregnancy and the abortion, and so I turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with those emotions. I was introduced to every drug under the sun in high school and I did anything to try to escape the pain that I was feeling. The result of that was me getting into trouble, me having a very spotted and checkered past, and when I finally got sober, I wanted to hide that part of myself from everyone that I met. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been a teenage drug addict. I didn't want anybody to know the things that I had done to quell the pain that I was feeling, and I didn't want anybody to know all the things that I had done to feed the addiction that I had in those three years. Yes, my addiction only lasted three years. It started when I was about 17 and it ended when I was 20.

Speaker 1: 2:53

But in those three years I wreaked havoc on myself and my self-image and my self-love, and so it wasn't until I met my first fiance. His name was Russ, and Russ knew everything about me. He knew every shady detail, he knew every secret and he loved me anyway, and he really taught me what it was to love myself again. He showed me that I was worthy of love from someone who I thought was way out of my league. He had his crap together, he was educated, he came from a good family, he had loving parents and an amazing relationship with his brother, and he loved me anyway. He loved me even though he knew all the checkered parts of my past, and he showed me that I was lovable, and he showed me that I could love myself too, in spite of my past.

Speaker 1: 4:11

And so the purpose of this episode is to show you my own journey, but also to share with you some ways that you can start to love yourself, because I truly want you to understand the purpose and the importance of self-love, recognize the signs that you are lacking self-love, and offer you some practical ways to cultivate self-love in yourself. So right now, I want you to reflect on how you currently treat and speak to yourself. Are those things lovable? Would you speak to your best friend the way that you speak to yourself? Would you speak to your mother, your grandmother, your daughter, your sister, your brother, your uncles, your dad? Would you speak to them the way that you speak to yourself?

Speaker 1: 5:00

Think about it. What do you say to yourself in your head? What do you say about yourself in your head? What do you say about yourself to other people? Do you say I'm fat? Do you say I'm a fuck up? Do you say I am worthless? Do you say I'm crazy? What do you say to and about yourself? How do you treat yourself? Do you put yourself on the front burner? Do you put your physical, mental, social health first, or does it go last? Does it go behind your family's needs? Does it go behind your friend's needs? Who comes first? Family's needs Does it go behind your friend's needs? Who comes first? Would you treat the people that you love the way that you treat yourself? That's a hard question to answer. It's a hard truth to face. And the truth is, when I was 21, 22 years old, I didn't love myself. 21, 22 years old, I didn't love myself and I don't know how I expected other people to love me when I didn't love myself. I chose friends, I chose relationships who didn't necessarily put me first. They put their own needs first and that was a reflection of my own behavior towards myself. I didn't think that I was worthy of being put first. I didn't think I was worthy of being loved that much. So I picked people who didn't put me first. I picked people who didn't prioritize me because I didn't prioritize myself. And so in the next 35, 40 minutes, I want to talk about what self-love is, how you can see if you are lacking in self-love in some ways that we can increase our self-love. So my story doesn't just end with Russ and I dating. I learned to love myself and we lived happily ever after. If you know me, you know I'm not married to Russ.

Speaker 1: 7:09

Unfortunately and I've said this before on the podcast unfortunately, russ passed away six weeks before our wedding and two weeks before my daughter's fourth birthday, and it was devastating. And I spent the next few months and it was devastating. And I spent the next few months, year, years, hurting and grieving and trying to untangle the hurt and anger that I had towards him Because, let's be honest, anger is part of the grief cycle and so, yes, at one point I was mad at my fiance for dying, and I talk about it because if you're going through grief and you find yourself mad at the person that you lost, it's normal and I don't want you to feel like there's something wrong with you for that. But I spent years trying to remember all of the things that Russ taught me, all of the things that he showed me that I was lovable, that I was worthy, that I was strong and that I could make it through and that I deserved to love myself. And so it took me a long time to untangle that, and my faith played a huge part in that.

Speaker 1: 8:26

I was mad at God after Russ died. I spent a few months running from God. I didn't feel like I could turn to him because he didn't answer my prayers and save my fiance like I wanted him to and save my fiance like I wanted him to. And when I finally quit being mad and turned back to God, I realized that God said that I was worthy. God said that I was lovable. God said that he loved me, no matter what, and that I should see myself as God sees me. God sees me as his daughter. God sees me as royalty. I am an heir with Christ right. And so I started to speak those things over myself. I am worthy, I am lovable. Even though I have a checkered past, god can still use me, and so I started to use those things to shape my identity and how I viewed myself.

Speaker 1: 9:30

So let's talk about what self-love is. Self-love is the act of valuing and caring for yourself, prioritizing your emotional, mental and physical well-being prioritizing your emotional, mental and physical well-being. So self-love is often confused with selfishness, but it is actually the foundation for a healthy relationship with other people and a successful life. You cannot be the best mom, the best husband, the best friend, the best cousin that you can be if you don't love yourself. So let's use an example. Okay, and this may touch on some feelings, but it's a quick, easy example.

Speaker 1: 10:21

So if you are not caring for yourself physically, that looks like eating fast food. That looks like not getting exercise, that looks like not having time to do things that bring you joy, right? So if you're just eating fast food all the time, you don't take the time to exercise, that's going to lead to health issues, right? You could become diabetic, you could end up with heart issues, you could end up with high cholesterol, you could end up with muscle atrophy. If you're not getting exercise, you could end up with arthritis, and then you are sick and having to go to doctor's appointments, you're not able to play with your kids, you're not able to play with the grandkids, and then that means you're not being the best mom, the best grandma, the best grandpa, the best dad, the best friend, the best auntie, uncle, right Like. You're not there for your family and friends because you did not prioritize your physical health. You did not prioritize actually having a well-rounded diet. You instead grabbed McDonald's at every meal that you had you were like, okay, it's just around the corner, I'm going to go get that, that's what I'm going to eat. And now you're sick.

Speaker 1: 11:40

So let's put that same example to our emotional health. If you are constantly running, running, running and you don't take time to do the things that bring you joy, you don't take time to read a book, you don't take time to go for a nature walk, whatever it is that brings you joy, you are constantly running for other people and eventually your tank is going to run dry and you are not going to be able to be there for your family and your friends emotionally. You are going to be a distraught, stressed, mangled mess of an emotional being and you cannot be the best mom, aunt, cousin, uncle, whatever, to the people around you. So it is important that we love ourselves and stop viewing that as being selfish and instead see it as a form of self-love, which is the fuel that allows us to be there for other people. So, lacking love for yourself, it can influence and it can impact your relationships, your career, your mental health, your resilience during struggling times, during challenging times, struggling times during challenging times, and I saw this when I was working my last corporate job.

Speaker 1: 13:12

My last corporate job was insane. I worked long hours. I was also building my photography business on the side, because that was my exit strategy to get out of the corporate world. Exit strategy to get out of the corporate world. But so I was working goodness, I was probably working 60 hours a week at my corporate job and editing photos and going to grad school. So I was constantly going. Oh, actually, no, I wasn't going to grad school at that time, it was just photography and my photography business, or my yeah, my corporate job and my photography business, and so I was constantly going, going, going.

Speaker 1: 13:51

The result was that I was drinking as much as I could. Between I would shut off my computer for my corporate job, I would pour a glass of wine and then I would start editing photos, and I was constantly either tired, hungover, grouchy or angry, and when my stepson passed away, it was March of 2020. And that's the day that the world shut down in Texas for the COVID pandemic. And so I got the phone call that my stepson had died and I had to let my daughter know that her brother had passed away. And it was devastating. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was harder than losing my fiance six weeks before our wedding. It was harder than losing my dad. It was harder than having to bury aunts and uncles. It was gut-wrenching, it was horrible.

Speaker 1: 14:58

That was the worst experience of my life, of my life, and at that point, I had neglected myself, totally, utterly neglected myself. I was drinking all the time, I wasn't exercising, I wasn't doing anything that was good for me, I wasn't indulging in hobbies that felt good. I was literally just working and drinking all the time. And all of a sudden, my world was shattered and I had zero fuel in the bank to give to myself or my daughter to help us through this trying time. It was one of the most challenging times of my life and I had zero energy. I had zero emotional bank. I had zero self-love to rely on. I had nothing. And it was so hard. It was so hard to go from zero, a baseline of zero, and try to give support, try to keep myself afloat, and the result was a lot of drinking, a lot of crying, a lot of not knowing how to handle this.

Speaker 1: 16:16

And it wasn't until I got back to my roots and was like I need to do what's good for me right now and I need to replenish my bank, my emotional bank, so that I can be there for my daughter, so that I can pull us out of this pit. And so I went back to the things that I had taught myself after my fiance died and I started loving myself again. I started going to the gym. I started working out. I started going for walks again. I started going to the gym. I started working out. I started going for walks again. I started writing in my journal and though that may have seemed selfish to some people that I was taking time for myself when my daughter and I were grieving. It was essential to our survival, and that's what I want us to get out of our heads.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Self-love is not selfish. It is not selfish to tell someone no, we cannot have a home-cooked dinner tonight. We are gonna get heat meat stuff or we're gonna go to the grocery store. We're gonna find something that's pre-made. We're gonna warm it up, because tonight I am going for a walk. It is okay to occasionally cut little corners with dinner or with time with friends so that you can take care of you, because you cannot be the best you if you are not fueled up for the fight and for the experience.

Speaker 1: 17:42

So why is self-love so important? There are mental and emotional benefits, so self-love can reduce stress and anxiety and burnout. It helps develop resilience and emotional balance. The physical benefits are it encourages better self-care in sleep, nutrition and exercise. The impact that it has on your relationships self-love sets the standards for how others treat you. Yeah, that's what I was saying earlier about how, when I didn't love myself, I chose friends and partners who also didn't fully love me. Yeah, yeah. So when you respect and value yourself, you attract healthier relationships and repel toxic ones. So, all in all, self-care is super important.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Whenever we love ourselves, we are able to set healthier boundaries around our time and resources time, talent and resources Because, when you think of it, your time, your talents and your resources are your currency. That is your personal money, right Like? That is what you have to give to the world. And if you're not setting healthy boundaries around work, family, friends then they are going to deplete your time, talents and resources and you have to have ways to replenish those things, those things and you do that through self-love and self-care. And so, for me, walking and running are a form of self-care and self-love, because when I'm walking and I am running, I am taking care of myself physically, but I am also taking time away from family friends also taking time away from family friends and work and just focusing on me. I am focusing on my breathing, I'm focusing on my legs and my body. I'm attuned to how I feel, how my lungs feel, how my legs feel, how my back feels, and I'm better able to gauge where I am physically when I am taking time away from everything.

Speaker 1: 20:08

Right, because whenever we are immersed in cooking or cleaning or tending to the family or hanging out with friends, we aren't really paying attention to how our legs feel, how our back feels. It's usually after a get together that you're like, oh, my back hurts, our back feels. It's usually after a get-together that you're like, oh, my back hurts. I sat in that chair too long because we're so distracted and immersed in the experience that we aren't paying attention to our physical health. So it's important to take that time out by yourself to actually get in tune with your body, mind and soul. So, like I said, it has physical benefits. It encourages better self-care through sleep, nutrition and exercise.

Speaker 1: 20:51

So I've talked about this before how when you start doing something good for your body, your brain automatically wants more of it because it feels good. It releases those feel-good endorphins. So think about it when you actually get up and the first thing you do in the morning is either pray or journal or create your to-do list, like whatever it is that's good for you, or go for a run or go for a walk or do yoga, like when you wake up and that is the first thing you do in the day, you're much more likely to continue making good choices for your body, mind and soul throughout the day. So it's just, it's a ripple effect when you do one good thing for yourself, your brain signals to you that it wants more of that. And when you have more joy, happiness, pleasure in your internal self, you are better able to reflect that to the people around you and that is how it impacts your relationships.

Speaker 1: 21:55

So signs of a lack of self love. How do you know that you aren't loving yourself? That is the million dollar question and, honestly, like I see this all the time with people who come to me for coaching. They are worried about the surface level stuff. They're like I want to be successful, I want to quit feeling so burned out all the time. I want to quit feeling so burned out all the time. I want to quit drinking. But whenever we really dig down into it, we discovered that there is a lack of self-love. They aren't putting themselves first. And again, I know that sounds selfish, but we really do have to put ourselves first, because if we are defeated physically, mentally, emotionally how are we going to be there for other people? How are we going to perform well at work? How are we going to be good parents, good friends, good family members? You can't. And so it is important to know the signs of a lack of self-love.

Speaker 1: 23:04

So first and foremost is negative self-talk. If you are constantly criticizing yourself or focusing on your perceived flaws, that is a sign that you lack self-love. I used the examples earlier of saying, oh my God, I'm so fat. Oh my God, I've gained so much weight. I oh my God, nothing in my closet fits me oh my gosh, I can never get anything right. I'm just a screw up, I'm just a whatever, I'm just a bum. I everything is going wrong. Everything is going wrong. When you focus on the negative only. That is a sign that you are lacking in the self-love department, because people who love themselves don't talk about themselves that way. They don't. People who love themselves say I am getting better, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm getting there. I am beautiful the way that I am. Yeah, I have lumps and bumps, but guess what? It is okay because I am human. That is the way that people who love themselves talk about themselves.

Speaker 1: 24:21

I try really hard not to say negative things about myself. Like when someone compliments my hair, I used to default to oh my gosh, yeah, thanks, but it's a crazy mess. And now when people say, because if you know me, you know I have crazy, crazy, crazy wild child hair. Now when people are like, oh my gosh, I love your hair, I'm like oh, thank you. I've been working so hard to figure out how to handle my hair because I've had wild child hair since I was young. It is when you love yourself. It is so much easier to accept a compliment. So much easier to accept a compliment because you know how hard you've worked to become the version of yourself that you are.

Speaker 1: 25:06

Stop talking to yourself in ways that you would not talk to your best friend. If you wouldn't say that to your best friend or your little sister or your little brother, or your mom or your dad, why are you saying it to yourself? Let's stop the negative self-talk, friends, seriously the negative self-talk. When you say things to your brain, your brain wants to make them a reality. So stop talking negatively to yourself and start changing the way that you speak to yourself so that it is more positive and that so you are focusing on the positives of yourself and in your life rather than focusing on your perceived flaws.

Speaker 1: 25:55

Okay, another sign of a lack of self-love is seeking external validation, so you are relying on others' approval for self-worth rather than having internal confidence. So we were watching an episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation and Angelina was talking about how she goes to social media for validation from other people around her feelings and I was like ding, ding, ding. That is a lack of self-love. When we don't love ourselves, we need other people to validate us. We need other people to tell us that our behaviors are okay. We need other people to agree with us so that we don't feel like we're wrong or crazy or alone. We're constantly looking externally for that validation, when it should be coming from the inside.

Speaker 1: 26:58

So, rosie and I always joked about how I don't care what I look like, like I'm literally on the podcast. If you're watching this video in workout clothes, I have a hat on. Today I have not been feeling all that great and so you know, if I didn't have some self-love in my heart, I could easily be like no, I'm not making the podcast this week, like I'm not doing it because I don't want to be on camera. I don't look my best, but you know what? I love myself and, yes, I'm human and I get sick and sometimes I look like crap, and that's okay. That is okay. Rosie and I used to joke about how I don't. I don't care what I look like, I don't. But guess what? That took a lot of work, a lot of internal work, to be okay with my imperfections. I look exactly like my brother, so for a long time I would not leave the house without mascara, earrings and my hair done, because I felt like I looked like a boy, and so it took a long time for me to love myself enough to be okay with myself without the makeup, without the frilly hair, without all the things right.

Speaker 1: 28:14

But whenever we are lacking in self-love, we need external validation. We need someone telling us we're pretty to feel pretty. We need someone to tell us that we are a good student to feel smart. We need someone to tell us that we are a good mother to actually feel like a good mother. And so we go online and we post all the videos of us making the perfect dinner and the perfect homecoming accessories or whatever. It is because we need that external validation. When I post that stuff, it is simply because I want to show the world. Hey, look, I made this, you can make it too. Or look at this cool thing, I learned how to do. It does not come from a need for external validation and if you really sit and think about why you do the things that you do, is it because you're wanting other people to validate you? Is it because you're needing praise from other people, or is it simply because you want to show the world look, this is really cool, I want to show the world. Look, this is really cool. I want to share it with you too. When you love yourself, you don't need to show off, you don't need to put others down and you don't need to make others feel bad for not having what you have.

Speaker 1: 29:37

It always brings to mind mean girls, right, like the mean girl characters, they were mean because they had their own insecurities and having a daughter who's a teenager. I've lived through the middle school years with her. I've lived through now high school. She's a senior and I've always told her babe, mean girl behavior is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on them. When people are mean, it's usually because they're hurting on inside, they have some sort of insecurity and they were. They are externally pushing that onto other people. So if they make fun of your hair, guess what? They might be a little bit insecure of their own hair. They're making fun of your shoes or your style or your fashion sense, like they might be a little bit insecure and hate the fact that you can be bold and creative and be your own person, and they feel like they have to live this cookie cutter life and it is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of them. So do you want to be the mean girl? Do you want to be the person that's judging other people for being true to themselves, or do you want to be the person who is true to themselves and is comfortable in their own skin? Just some food for thought. Own skin, just some food for thought.

Speaker 1: 31:05

So the third way that you can see if you are lacking self-love is difficulty setting boundaries. So people pleasing tendencies, an inability to say no and allowing others to take advantage of your time and energy. This is something that I really struggled with when I was in high school. I did not know how to say no. I had people pleasing tendencies and I allowed badly to belong, that I was okay with other people abusing my boundaries and saying yes to things that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with because I wanted to belong. So, growing up, my family was upper-ish middle class. We weren't poor I hate using that word, but we weren't without. My dad always made sure that we had everything that we needed. My dad died when I was eight, but prior to his death he worked in oil, so we did not go without. You're familiar with the oil industry, but so I always tell people I'm like.

Speaker 1: 32:24

I always went to schools that were predominantly white and I if you're watching the video am brown, and I am a lot lighter now that I'm older than I was when I was little. When I was little, I was very, very, very dark. I had a very dark milk chocolate color to my skin and I never felt like I fit in. At my school I was always the only brown girl. Occasionally there would be girls that were half brown, half white, and but they were lighter than me, right and so, and I was the darkest one in my family. I my mom always tells the story about how, when I was little, I put my arm up next to hers and I was like telling her mommy were different colors because my mom looks white and so, and that always stuck to me.

Speaker 1: 33:14

I never felt like I fit in. I never felt like I was Hispanic enough for one side of my family and I never felt like I was white enough for my friends at school. And so when I got into high school, I desired to belong so much. I did not love myself, I did not love my skin, I did not love my features, I didn't love my crazy hair. I didn't love that I didn't have a dad. My family did not look like the families of my peers years.

Speaker 1: 34:05

I went to predominantly white and wealthy schools, and so I my friends lived in much nicer houses than I did. My friends had both parents at home. My friends' moms would be stay-at-home moms and my mom cleaned houses for a living. My mom was a housekeeper, whereas their moms could afford a housekeeper. It was a very strange dynamic for me, and while I loved my family after my dad passed away, it was just me and my mom's family and we had more love and more fun than you could ever believe. But when I went to school I looked totally different than my peers and that affected me. I didn't love myself.

Speaker 1: 34:53

So in high school, when I moved to a new school, I was hungry for belonging. I was so hungry for acceptance and people accepted me. They didn't accept the real me because they didn't know the real me, but they accepted me, and so I said yes to things. I had no boundaries, I let people take advantage of my time and energy and I did not say no when I should have a lot of times is a hell. Yes for you versus saying yes to something because you're trying to people please or gain acceptance, gain validation or gain something from someone else. So just a little self-story about me.

Speaker 1: 35:55

But another sign of a lack of self-love is a fear of rejection or failure. So if you avoid opportunities or relationships because of your self-doubt, that is a sign that you are lacking in the self-love department. Since I have started my journey towards self-love, I have seized opportunities that I normally wouldn't have. I quit my corporate job when I normally would not have. I have put myself out there and I have gone to church groups. I've walked into strangers' homes and tried to make friends. I am confident in who I am now and and I am able to walk into a restaurant and sit there and eat by myself or go to a movie by myself because I am confident in who I am. And if I go by myself, that's okay. I'd rather go by myself than go with the wrong person, and that is a sign of self-love, guys, that you are able to say you know what I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong people.

Speaker 1: 37:08

And that can be a hard truth. It can mean leaving relationships, it can mean leaving friendships behind behind, but it is important that you stay true to your authentic self and stop letting a fear of rejection or failure lead to you staying in some impossible situations or unhealthy situations. So I talked about that relationship in high school. I had such a fear of bouncing from relationship to relationship that I stayed in a very unhealthy relationship for 18 months as a teenager. It was a super unhealthy relationship, and I'm not faulting one person or another. We were teenagers. We were both stupid and young and dumb, and neither one of us had an example of what a healthy relationship was. But I stayed in that relationship out of a fear of failure and a fear of losing friendships and opportunities, and it almost cost me my life.

Speaker 1: 38:25

So stop letting the fear of rejection and failure keep you in situations out of fear. I cannot cannot emphasize that enough. When fear drives your life, it is going to take you down paths that you were never meant to go down. So instead ask yourself am I doing this out of fear or am I doing this as a way to escape? Am I doing this as a way to avoid failure? And if you are, how can you navigate this situation in a way that focuses on your self-love?

Speaker 1: 39:17

So another sign of a lack of self-love is comparing yourself to others. Yay, I know this one sucks, but we all do it, especially with social media, especially with TikTok and Instagram. Everyone's perfect lives, everyone's perfect version of their life, is on social media. You see the highlight reel and we compare ourselves. I have a friend. She is amazing, amazing at making all the cool little personalized things for her daughters. You know, on homecoming for this, for that, for church, her kids always have the most personalized, gorgeous things, right. And I could get swept up in comparing myself to her in how, like, yeah, I do all the things for my daughter, but they're not perfect, right, like they have imperfections, and I could get caught up in comparing myself to my friend, but instead I'm like, okay, that is her gift. I don't have the time, patience or talent to do that. Instead, I'm going to pay her to do it for my kid.

Speaker 1: 40:34

But the idea is to quit comparing yourself to others and to appreciate their gifts are different than yours and maybe use their gifts for yourself. You know like, hey, hey, so, and so I see that you're really good at personalizing Stanley cups. Could you make one for my daughter? I will pay you Right, instead of saying, oh my gosh, she thinks she's so cool, her kids are always so perfect. They always have their personalized Stanleys like whatever. No, instead, let's appreciate other people's gifts and talents and maybe become friends with them and say, hey, we compliment each other well. Like you're good at that, I'm good at finding a bargain. I'll find cheap Stanleys. You personalize them, bam right, but we got to quit measuring our worth based on other people's achievement and successes and start measuring our worth on ourselves and our own achievements and successes. But that can't happen if you don't love yourself, because if you don't love yourself, you're never going to see your own achievements and successes because you're always focused on your flaws. So it goes back to that original point of you have to stop focusing on your flaws and change the way that you're speaking to yourself. Flaws and change the way that you're speaking to yourself.

Speaker 1: 42:05

I have a friend and we were talking about this recently about how she looks around, and she says, yeah, I wish I was further along. I see my friends that are my age and they're married and they have kids and they have a house and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I told her. I said I've been there too. I was 21 when I went back to college At 21, most of my friends were already getting ready to graduate college, already had graduated college, they were starting their careers, and here I was just barely starting.

Speaker 1: 42:35

I know that feeling of comparing yourself to others and feeling like you should be further down the road than you are, and I want you to stop doing that. We are all on our own journey, we are all going through our own things and, yeah, susie Q, down the road, might have the picture perfect family and she's your age and she's got the house and the cars and the husband and the kids, but she's going through her own struggles. So stop comparing yourself to her, start focusing on your journey, how far you've come, all of the achievements that you've accomplished in spite of your path, and keep moving forward. So one last sign of a lack of self-love is staying in unhealthy relationships, tolerating disrespect or toxic behavior because you feel unworthy of better treatment. Guys, this this one.

Speaker 1: 43:46

I've talked about my high school relationship, but I've had other relationships that were toxic, toxic, and one of which he and I are still friends and we always laugh at the fact that we were two broken people who found each other and found solace in our brokenness, and how we never should have been together Never. We never should have been in a relationship, because we were both messed up at that point in our lives. Now we're both in a much better place and we can see that we are much better friends than we ever were in a relationship. And we were good friends before we were in a relationship. But it should have stayed that way. But our toxic relationship we stayed in it because neither one of us believed that we were worthy of being treated better, and so you had two broken people trying to make a relationship work and it was awful. It was bad. It was really, really bad. But so staying in unhealthy relationships it shows that you do not feel that you are worthy of being treated better, and I know that hurts and I know that's probably going to make some people mad at me and they're going to say, well, no, you know whatever? Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 45:10

I used to tell myself that I needed to stay in this toxic relationship because I could fix him, because I could heal him, because I could make it better, because I could do things for him that he couldn't do for himself. And the truth was that, no, I can't control someone else's behavior. I am not God. I cannot heal anybody. I am not his therapist. It is not my job to help him work through his crap. It is his job to work through his own crap, get his own therapist and pray to his own. God Partner in a relationship. It is not your job to fix someone. It is not your job to heal someone. It is not your job to be their savior. It is your job to love them and to love yourself. And you cannot love them properly if you don't love yourself.

Speaker 1: 46:09

And loving yourself means boundaries. It means protecting yourself, protecting your emotional and physical well-being. And when a relationship is draining you physically and emotionally constantly, on a daily basis, it might be time to put up some boundaries. If you're married, it may not be as easy as saying okay, I'm leaving you, right, no, but it can be. Hey, I'm not going to have this same argument anymore. Either we get counseling, or you get counseling, or we've got to figure something out because you're not loving me the way that I deserve to be loved. But nothing is going to change until you put up that healthy boundary for yourself that says this is the way that I expect to be loved and you are not doing that, and something has to give. And if you're not doing that and something has to give.

Speaker 1: 47:03

And if you're not married, maybe that looks like a breakup, maybe that looks like ending a friendship, maybe that looks like I'm going to love you, but I'm going to love you from a distance, with family, because you can do that. I had to do that with a family member. I had to say I love you, but I can't have you in my life right now. So right now, I'm going to love you from a distance, I'm going to pray for you, I'm going to pull down heaven for you, but I cannot have you in my life right now, because someone who loves themselves does not allow themselves to be treated less than they know, less than what they know they should be treated like, less than what they know they should be treated like. So staying in unhealthy relationships is a sign of a lack of self-love. Please don't come at me. So how to build self-love? So building self-love is hard. If you've never loved yourself, if you were never taught how to love yourself, this can be especially difficult.

Speaker 1: 48:02

But the first thing that I always tell people to do and it was our very first point at the beginning was to practice positive self-talk, replacing negative thoughts with affirmations like I am enough, I am doing my best, I am healthy, I am working towards a better version of myself, I got this, I am strong, I am a fighter, I cannot be defeated. Those are affirmations and positive self-talk that your mind needs to hear, because what your mind hears, it tries to make a reality. I am beautiful, I am healthy, I am physically fit. I want to encourage you to write down three things that you love about yourself today, just three. And if you're really struggling, if you're really, really struggling, I want you to write down three negative things about yourself and then flip the script. You may not believe it, but I want you to repeat those three things to yourself, the opposite of what you're actually feeling. Repeat those opposites to yourself every day for the next week. So if your initial thought is Teresa, I don't, I don't love anything about myself right now I'm fat, I'm out of shape, I have a crap job and I'm uneducated, okay, the flip of that is I am beautiful, I am starting a health journey, I am smart even if I do not have the degrees to back it up and I am worthy. And instead of telling yourself I'm dumb, I'm fat, to say I am. I am smart, I have street smarts, I have world smarts, I am beautiful and I am working on myself.

Speaker 1: 50:11

You have to start changing the way that you speak to yourself. Number two is to set boundaries. You have to. You have to learn how to say no without guilt and protect your energy. So I tell my clients if it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no. A friend calls and says hey, we're all going to the club tonight. Do you want to go? But you know you have work tomorrow. You know you don't want to drink tonight. That's not a hell yes, right, so it should be a no and it should be okay, because tomorrow you're going to feel better going to work, you're not going to be hungover and you're going to feel better about yourself tomorrow.

Speaker 1: 51:01

By saying no today and I know that goes back to needing that external validation or a fear of losing relationships. But guess what? You're showing yourself that you love yourself enough to say no and the pain of maybe a rebuff from your friends isn't going to hurt as much because you love yourself. You don't need that external validation from other people. So celebrate the small wins. So it is important that you acknowledge your progress, even in the small things. So if you have historically told yourself I'm fat, right, and you start telling yourself I am getting healthy, I am doing the work to become a healthier version of myself. And let's say, today you had McDonald's for breakfast, but then you had a salad for lunch, but then it all went to hell and you had Burger King for dinner. That's okay. Celebrate the fact that you had a salad for lunch. That is a small win. Maybe you decided not to have the Snickers after lunch and instead you had a strawberry? That is a small win. Who cares that the rest of the day went to crap? You had a small win today. Celebrate it. It is super important that you celebrate the small wins.

Speaker 1: 52:32

When I was first trying to get sober from drugs, I lived in the trailer park where I predominantly hung out to get high, and for me, going to the mailbox was a trigger because I could easily go right around the corner from the mailbox and go use. And every time that I made it to the mailbox and didn't turn the corner and go to that other house, but instead turned around and went back home, I celebrated it. I did a small little dance. I would be like what Clap for myself text someone. Tell them I didn't go to that house today. It is a small win. To someone else that seems stupid. Oh cool, you checked the mail and didn't use drugs. That's a win. Celebrate them. Celebrate the small wins Because when you do, you're flooding your brain with the good neurotransmitters that you get whenever you accomplish a task, and your brain is going to want more of that.

Speaker 1: 53:36

So celebrate the wins. Surround yourself with positivity. So cultivate positive relationships and cut out toxic influences and create a supportive environment. So this might look like unfollowing people on Instagram and TikTok who trigger you. Like I said, I have that friend that has the she's the bombcom when it comes to and my daughter is going to kill me for saying that but she has all the creativity in the world. If I were at the beginning of my self-love journey, it would be important for me to unfollow her or mute her for a little bit, because it I'm not saying that it ever did with her, I'm just using it as an example. But if I didn't love myself and I was struggling with self-love and seeing her posts made me feel some type of way, made me feel insecure, made me feel upset that she had this picture perfect, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right. Then it would be important for me to unfollow her or mute her for a while, so that I'm not seeing that on a daily basis.

Speaker 1: 54:44

It is about cutting out the things that are toxic to your energy and your emotional and physical well-being. Maybe that means finding a different route to work so that you're not passing by McDonald's every morning. Maybe that means going to the grocery store and getting protein shakes or getting healthy, quick, healthy breakfast so that you're not tempted to go for fast food. Maybe it looks like not hanging out with that friend this weekend because they're constantly in a bad mood and it puts you in a bad mood, or they're always asking you to do things that you're not comfortable with. But it is about taking a detox from the negativity in your life and replacing that with something positive that feels good to you, that gives you energy and increases positivity in your life.

Speaker 1: 55:35

Prioritizing self-care is important. This is another way to increase your self-love. Like I said earlier, when you take care of yourself, your brain automatically wants more of that. So if you spend a little bit of time resting or getting exercise or doing meditation or writing in your journal like that takes time away from the normal day-to-day stuff and gives you time to focus on yourself. Self-care looks different for everybody, but I want you to actually sit down and focus on what your self-care plan looks like. Is it a walk once a week that you can just clear your mind? Is it journaling twice a day a week that you can just clear your mind? Is it journaling twice a day? It doesn't have to be every day, but it is important to have a self-care routine even when life gets busy, because you're showing yourself that you love yourself enough to prioritize your self-care. This next one is going to be a little bit difficult and I understand how hard it can be. Trust me, I do but forgiving yourself.

Speaker 1: 56:48

Forgiving yourself and letting go of past mistakes and accepting your imperfections. Take it from the girl who has made so many mistakes in her life so many. You might think that it is crazy for me to just kind of brush over an abortion, and it's not. It's not easy for me. It is something that I spent years working through. It took probably eight years for me to forgive myself for that and to accept that I am an imperfect human and that forgiveness that I gave myself all those years ago. It was so freeing.

Speaker 1: 57:39

Forgiving myself for ever taking drugs to begin with, forgiving myself for letting alcohol take over my life in the midst of grief, forgiving myself for breakups and relationships and mistakes and financial constraints, forgiving myself for all of those things was so liberating. When I forgave myself, I was able to see myself as the broken person that I was when those things happened. I was able to see that. I was able to see the reasons why I let those things happen to me, why I made those choices, why I allowed myself to stay in those relationships, why I allowed myself to do the things that I did. And I understood where the decision came from. And it came from a lack of self-love.

Speaker 1: 58:38

And it is hard to forgive yourself. It is hard to say I understand why that happened, but I want you to look at it through the lens of self-compassion, having a little bit of compassion for yourself. If your best friend had made that same mistake, wouldn't you forgive her? Wouldn't you want them to forgive you for what you've done? So why can't you forgive yourself? So it looks like going back in time and saying hey, I know that when you were in that relationship, all you wanted was acceptance. All you wanted was to be loved and to be cared for, and that need led you to stay in that relationship for too long, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 59:38

I understand that you were hurting, I understand that you were longing. I understand that you were longing, but we don't need that anymore. We've learned from it and we can leave it in the past and move forward and grow from that experience. And trust me, I know self-forgiveness is not easy and it is hard and it takes a lot of work and a lot of times we need to work with a professional to work through it, but it is possible. I stand on this side of self-forgiveness and tell you that it is possible and it is so freeing and so liberating when we can go back and forgive our past selves for the things that we did and for the things that we allowed ourselves to be a part of, and move forward. I always say forgive, but don't forget. Learn from the experience and then grow from it, and that is how you move forward with self-forgiveness. How you move forward with self-forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 1:00:45

So the last one is focusing on progress, not imperfections, or sorry, focusing on progress, not perfection. So embrace challenges and learn from failures rather than seeing them as proof of inadequacy. So whenever I fail at something and I fail a lot I like to see it as a way to grow. I say, okay, I failed that time, what went wrong and how can I do it differently next time. It's not a beat myself up session. Yes, I'm like, okay, I failed, that was horrible, that did not go as planned, but what did work and what didn't work and how can we do it differently next time? And not allowing failure to be a ticket to quit. Failure is not your ticket to quit. Failure is your opportunity to continue and grow and do it right the next time.

Speaker 1: 1:01:43

So if it's a failed relationship, okay, I learned some things from that relationship. What did I learn that was positive? What did I learn that was negative? What do I want to take forward and what do I not ever want to take forward again? What do I want to leave behind? Right, so we're going to leave parts of it behind. We're going to take some of it with us and we're going to grow from the experience. So don't focus on perfection. No one is perfect. We're never going to be perfect until we're on the other side of this life.

Speaker 1: 1:02:12

So focusing on progress, not perfection, is so important, guys, is so important, guys, and with that I just want to say it is so important to love yourself. I hope that this episode has shown you how to recognize if you are lacking in self-love. I hope that it has shown you some ways to love yourself and the importance of self-love. I want you to take the next week to reflect on your relationship with yourself and take at least one step each day for the next week to love yourself better. I'd love to hear some of your progress on social media on Instagram, tiktok, in the comments, on Spotify, apple, itunes, wherever you get your podcast. I cannot wait for you to hear this week's episode and until then, be well, be kind and may you find some joy this week. Bye.