Reignite the Spark: How Self-Love Transforms Marriage with Terry Lewis

In this powerful episode of the Bella Grace Podcast, host Teresa Enca sits down with marriage and mindset coach Terry Lewis to explore how emotional healing and self-love can restore connection in long-term relationships. Terry shares her own story of being married for over 40 years, the turning point in her relationship, and how uncovering childhood wounds helped her reignite the spark in her marriage.

Whether you're feeling disconnected in your relationship or simply want deeper intimacy, this conversation offers hope, practical tips, and real talk on:

• Recognizing emotional distance in marriage
• Healing old wounds to show up authentically
• Why you can’t fully love others until you love yourself
• Creating intentional time for connection
• And why the change begins with you

💬 “You can't fix your relationship by changing your spouse. You fix it by changing how you show up.”

✨ Perfect for married women, mothers, and professionals seeking healthier love and deeper self-awareness.

🔗 Subscribe and share if you’re ready to reclaim your joy and rebuild your relationship from the inside out.

And follow Terri here:

 www.linkedin.com/in/terri-lewis-5424902b9

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Terry Lewis
• 2:06 Terry's Journey to Understanding Emotions
• 9:29 Recognizing Distance in Relationships
• 21:08 How Childhood Wounds Affect Marriage
• 30:10 The Power of Self-Love in Relationships
• 36:01 Taking Off the Masks We Wear
• 41:43 Practical Tips for Reconnection
• 48:00 Digging Deeper Than Surface Emotions

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

All right, welcome to another episode of the Bella Grace podcast, where we are helping you find freedom from mindsets, behaviors and addictions that are holding you back from unlocking your true potential. And I'm excited because I have a new friend on the show this week. Her name is Terry Lewis and we met through a speakers group, I believe through Brie talks right, yes, yeah.

Speaker 1: 0:33

And so we're both working on crafting our signature speech, learning how to be more confident on the stage, and I'm just excited to have you. We talked once and we've been on the same calls over and over, and I'm just excited to have you. We talked once and we've been on the same calls over and over, but I'm so glad that you're here. So Terry helps women who feel stuck in their relationship, who know that they love their spouse but just don't feel that spark anymore. Terry can help you bring back that spark and reconnect with your spouse again. Terry can help you bring back that spark and reconnect with your spouse again. I'm so excited to have you. Yeah, I'm excited to be here.

Speaker 2: 1:12

Yes, Okay, so tell me a little bit about how you got into this space. Okay, well, I guess I would start with how I kind of got into. It was I was looking for a place to learn about my emotions and how to process them, and so I actually went to Heartwork University and learned, through some doodling and watercolor painting, like, about emotions, because I grew up like in a family that I felt like I wasn't really seen or heard. My emotions were, you know, too big, I guess, for them. They, you know, I would hear things like you're too sensitive, you make mountains out of mohills, and so I kind of had damped them down and I didn't know how to process them.

Speaker 2: 2:06

So, the long way around, I went to this heartwork journaling and I just learned so much about myself and my emotions. And I had been married and still I'm married I'm going to be married for 41 years and I saw the difference it made in my relationship, because I was that woman I can relate to that. I was committed, we both loved each other, but I just felt like we weren't connecting. I didn't wasn't having that longing, the long, the deeper connection that I longed for.

Speaker 1: 2:40

Right, right, yeah, and I feel like that's something that a lot of married couples go through, and 41 years is a long time.

Speaker 2: 2:48

Yes, yes, I know, that's a long time.

Speaker 1: 2:52

That's almost as old as I am. I'll be 40 this year, so yeah.

Speaker 2: 2:58

I know, I know, so we did, we stuck it through, but I felt so trapped, like, especially as a Christian. You know I committed to this marriage. You know, till death, do us part. And here I am, but like, are you kidding? Is this all there is?

Speaker 1: 3:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell me a little bit about what your client. When someone comes to you, what is going on in their life, like, how can they recognize that they've lost that connection? Because I know so many people. I live in a neighborhood where it is predominantly families with children, because people buy in this neighborhood simply because they want their kids to go to the school in this neighborhood. Right, right, soon to be parents, newlyweds that are anticipating having children.

Speaker 1: 4:09

So they preemptively moved to this neighborhood, or they are parents with young kids elementary age kids and then you have people like me and my husband. We have high school age kids. And then you have the families whose kids have graduated and moved on, but they're still here in the neighborhood for whatever reason. So we have people all across the board.

Speaker 1: 4:31

But I you may not know this, but my other profession is a photographer, and so I do family photos for a lot of the people in our neighborhood, and I find it really interesting for lack of a better word that some of the families that I photograph the parents are like oh, we got to get our picture together, just the two of us.

Speaker 1: 4:59

And other times, because I always suggest it, I'm like okay, mom and dad, it's your turn, we've gotten you with the kids, we've gotten mom with the kids, dad with the kids, we've gotten, you know, the family photo.

Speaker 1: 5:10

Now we need one of just mom and dad, because it's not very often that you get dressed up and get all pretty and then actually get your photo taken Right, so as a couple, and so I always suggest it. But I'll have some couples who are like, oh no, we don't need that. And then I'll have other couples who are like, yes, please, thank you. And they're all over it doing the things that are natural to them in a photography setting which is like you know, lean into each other, hug each other, sneak kisses or like be playful with each other. But then there's those other couples who they don't touch each other. They're probably arguing the entire session, bickering back and forth, they put the kids between them and I can. I guess I'm a life coach as well, or I'm a, you know, mindset recovery coach, and so I naturally read people and kind of pay attention to situations and see body language, and so I'm just thinking to myself I'm like man, I can see the distance in your relationship, and I wonder if they're able to see it.

Speaker 2: 6:30

Right, right, I think a lot of times yes, but sometimes no, because when there's that stage of, like you have kids, it's easy to be so busy, so busy with stuff that you distract yourself. It's like you know you, just you distract yourself from what's really going on and you keep yourself busy so you don't have to look at it.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Right, yeah, and I guess that was kind of my. My point is like do you do you see, do you see? So when your clients come to you, they've probably already recognized the distance in their marriage.

Speaker 2: 7:12

Yes, okay, yeah, yeah. And sometimes they don't. They feel like, you know, I've tried everything. I don't know if this will work and and I get that you know yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:24

So how do you do? Oh, go ahead go ahead.

Speaker 2: 7:26

I was gonna say, very interestingly enough, I mean, I would have said I thought I tried everything. You know what I mean. I read the books, I went. You know I felt like I had done everything, but there was kind of a missing piece, and for me I think there's.

Speaker 2: 7:47

We don't even realize the impact of our childhood and the wounds that we carry into our marriage, right. So as we're reacting to our spouse from our wounds that haven't been healed and a lot of times we're triggering their wounds and, as you, really it's really about getting to know yourself more and really leaning into. You know what that is Like for me? Just for an example, like my husband and I I was, you know, the quieter he got, the louder I got because I wanted to be seen and heard, because I had this I have this wound of I was too much, I wasn't seen and heard, and the louder I got triggered his like I can't deal with emotions and so he would retreat more. So we were just in this pattern and until I realized and stop and realize what was I really angry at or what was the hurt underneath, and as I started to heal that and as I started to love myself, that I'm not too much and my emotions are okay.

Speaker 1: 9:08

It just brought Rick begins to bring healing to the relationship and you come at it a different way yeah, and so, yeah, I really love that because I always tell people as a coach, because they'll ask, like, what's the difference between a counselor and a coach? And I'm like, well, coaches really work on like the here and now and the future, right, but there is. You can't get away from the past when you're talking about the here and now, because it doesn't matter if it's your relationship, your relationship with alcohol, your mindsets there's always going to be something kind of rooted in the past that is affecting your current state of mind. And until you can name it, yes of mind, and until you can name it, yes, and identify it, you're never going to be free from it, right, yeah, and for you it was having to tamp down your emotions as a child it was lonely.

Speaker 2: 10:25

It's lonely because and and what I kind of see that I did was I became like I didn't totally shut down, like I was there for other people I support other people, I'm really good at seeing other people but felt began to have a lot of resentment, like I'm. I like I'm give, give, give to people but I'm not getting it. But part of the not getting it was because I wasn't truly showing myself.

Speaker 1: 10:55

Yeah yeah, you weren't able to 100% let anybody in, exactly. I mean, just looking at you and the room. I commented on your bright pink wall last time. You told me it was your daughter's room. Yes, but it. I think it really personifies who you are as a person. You are a bold person, you are a bold personality and you were smushing yourself into this little box that was non-reactive, non-emotional, non, you know, non-big.

Speaker 2: 11:35

Yeah non-explosive. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1: 11:40

And so you aren't able to truly connect with people when you aren't being your genuine self. I know.

Speaker 1: 11:49

And so they don't know you well enough to connect with you. So how are they going to reciprocate what you need? So I always like to say and I'm sure you've read the five love languages yes, but I tell people all the time I'm like we all give and receive love in different ways. Yes, and we don't all receive love the way that we give love Right. So it's not always okay. So my brother likes to show his love through gifts. That's how he gives love. He doesn't like getting gifts. So getting him gifts in return is not going to show him that you love him. Okay, Interesting. So for him it's time right. So spending time with him, quality time, is his receiving love language. Yes, so it doesn't matter if you're laying on the couch vegging out with him for the entire day and you do absolutely nothing else. If you do that with him, he knows you love him awesome, yeah, you know, and so it's you really.

Speaker 1: 13:10

And if you have walls up, like you did for so long, your spouse couldn't truly love you, your family couldn't truly love you, your friends couldn't truly love you. Your friends couldn't truly love you because it was like you were wearing a mask of I am, this calm, cool, collected, non-emotional, non-bold person, and so they loved the mask of you, and until you take the mask off and reveal yourself for who you truly are, they can't give you love the way you truly need it and want it, because they don't know the real you.

Speaker 2: 13:56

That's right. Yeah, I just think it's amazing that you mentioned a mask, because I'm doing a workshop this weekend for permission to be yourself and it's about taking off the mask. You could come to my workshop, you could teach it what are you doing?

Speaker 1: 14:19

who's it for? What are you?

Speaker 2: 14:21

doing women at the local library. It's um, yeah, and, and we'll be doing doodling and painting. We'll be painting, we'll do a doodle of themselves and then a mask, dropping the mask and just talking about what we're talking about. You can't truly connect when you're behind that mask, because you're not being your true self.

Speaker 1: 14:42

And yeah try to yeah yeah, well, is it open to the public?

Speaker 2: 14:51

it is. They do have to register. It's at the local library, the Ridley Township Library. I'm in Pennsylvania. I don't think where are you?

Speaker 1: 14:59

I'm in Dallas, texas, texas.

Speaker 2: 15:01

Texas.

Speaker 1: 15:01

Okay, but I was going to say, if you have the registration details, I will share it on my Facebook page.

Speaker 2: 15:09

Okay.

Speaker 1: 15:10

Because I actually do have followers that are in Pennsylvania. So just share the details with me in the chat or afterwards and I'll make sure it gets posted. But yeah, so that is really cool. So what else do you do? Do you normally do workshops like that?

Speaker 2: 15:33

I do I do virtual workshops and I also do in person, and it's usually around the issue of self-love, because that's, you know it, where it all starts, in everything, every relationship, you know, yeah, yeah so I was telling I did a live earlier about my own VIP day that I have.

Speaker 1: 15:57

I'm opening up to a few people and, um, I I'm sure you know, when you're promoting something, it's like tell them how it can help and then tell them you know what's it called, rebute the rebuttals, right, like we're going to rebuke the rebuttals before they even come. So we're going to say, you know, I know what you're thinking even comes. So we're going to say, you know, I know what you're thinking. And so that was one of the things that I said in my reel was I know what you're thinking.

Speaker 1: 16:31

There's no way that you can spend eight hours focusing on just yourself, yourself, your wellbeing, your, your mental health, your physical health. But the truth is you can't afford not to, because if we don't first love ourselves, we are no good to anybody, right like we. If you don't and people used to always, when I was, when my daughter was little, my daughter's dad was sentenced to 15 years in prison when she was nine months old and it went from oh, the case is getting dropped to we're going to trial. A day later he was sentenced, and so I was an overnight single mother and I was in college I was working. I was going to school full time. I was working part time as a waitress. My daughter was nine months old and I was an overnight single mom.

Speaker 1: 17:39

And I immediately everybody was like, oh, you need to move back in with your mom, you need to quit school, you need to focus on your daughter. Like you need to get a full-time job. You've really got to buckle down and make sure that you're taking care of your daughter. You can't make choices Like you can't just be in college. You've got to make choices for you and your daughter. And I immediately was like no, because on top of all that, I was also only like nine. No, I was. I got sober December 2nd of 2005. I found out I was pregnant June of 2006. My ex went to prison October of 2000. Wait, sorry. Got pregnant in June of 2006. Had my daughter January of 2007. October of 2007 is when my ex went to prison so.

Speaker 1: 18:47

I was just barely a year sober at this point, like I was a year and some months sober from drugs, and so I was like, look, I am just now getting sobriety under my feet, like I'm just now figuring out how to be sober. I am a new mom and my top priority is my daughter, and so I was like I cannot listen to anybody else. I have to focus on me being healthy, me being capable and me being able to take care of my daughter. And I used to get backlash all the time from family and friends who I would, because I would literally like take my daughter to daycare, literally like take my daughter to daycare.

Speaker 1: 19:42

And even if I was off of work, I would take her to daycare and I would go hang out with my friends, or I would go sit at a coffee shop and study, or I would go sit at the park and just sit in the grass if I wanted to like, yeah, they, I got so much backlash from family because they're like, oh, you're, you should have quit school. Like you, you need to be focusing on your daughter and you're out there at a coffee shop hanging out with friends and studying, when you should be spending time with your daughter and you know it was just a lot of stuff and I remember telling them, like I cannot take care of her, I cannot take care of her, I cannot give her the future that I want to, unless I am taking the time to care for myself.

Speaker 1: 20:30

Wow, yeah, that was amazing. Yeah, you had that, had to do that. But that's not a skill or a or a resiliency feature that many people have. I think most people would have been in my situation and would have dropped out of school, gotten a full-time job, moved back in with mom until they were more stable. Like, I think all of those things are normal. I think what you teach and what I did is the abnormal response.

Speaker 2: 21:08

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:10

I think it is more normal for us to do what you and I both did as young people, which is try to fit into the little box. Yes, that is the normal response to adversity. It's not to love yourself. Treat yourself better. It's not. Oh, my spouse is neglecting me and I feel like I don't have a connection to him anymore. So I think the normal response is to turn to friends, turn to colleagues, turn to others for support, rather than turn to someone and say how do I fix this? Yeah, yeah. And so I'm really thankful that you're in the space that you're in, because you're giving people an opportunity, women an opportunity to have somewhere to go, and you're teaching them that their husband isn't the issue.

Speaker 2: 22:13

I know Darn it. I'm sure he was.

Speaker 1: 22:18

And I'm sure that's what they think too.

Speaker 2: 22:22

Yes, it's like he needs to change for me to feel this way, and you know that's it's backwards thinking right.

Speaker 1: 22:31

It is similar to what I was saying. Like it's the backwards thinking people were telling me to focus solely on my daughter and job and all that. But that's backwards thinking. Because when you're a single parent, you need to be focusing on you, your healing, your forward motion, your growth, your mental health and physical health. And when you're a spouse, a wife, you can't be a good wife if you don't love yourself. How can you love anybody else if you don't feel good about who you are, if you haven't dealt with the past traumas Right?

Speaker 2: 23:14

Yeah, but sometimes I I mean I, I, I can't really say that. I realized that I didn't love myself. You know what I mean? I thought I loved myself. It's like yeah. So sometimes I think that's part of it too. Right, we don't even realize that, we don't.

Speaker 1: 23:34

Yeah, yeah. So how do you, how do you pull that out of your cause? I'm sure the people who attend your workshops, they're coming because they want you to fix their husband.

Speaker 2: 23:50

I don't blame him, I can relate to that, right. But the greatest thing that I realized through this is having your power back, because feeling trapped is a terrible feeling Stuck and trapped, and that's what I thought I was. And even though it seems like we just want them to change, but we can't change anybody Bingo, we cannot just want them to be them to change, but we can't change anybody, we know not. But we can take our power back and we can show up differently, and it even though it's like annoying to think it's us like, because I get that I get that nobody wants to admit that it's them right, we don't want to admit that we are the problem.

Speaker 2: 24:40

It's always you're the problem right, but the greatest thing is then we have the power, like we can take our power back, and I didn't think I had any power, yeah, which I didn't.

Speaker 1: 24:53

I didn't have power to change no, we don't have power to change anybody, and that's what I try to tell my clients all the time, because I work with people who are struggling with mindsets, behaviors and substances right. So that's kind of my niche is helping them break free from limiting mindsets or drinking too much or whatever the case may be. But it never fails. My client will say yeah, well, if so-and-so didn't do blah, blah, blah, then I wouldn't have to fill in the blank, right.

Speaker 2: 25:35

Right.

Speaker 1: 25:36

If so-and-so didn't do whatever, whatever, then I wouldn't feel fill in the blank. Yes, and trying to get people to understand that you cannot control the other person. You can't change the other person. The only thing you can do is control your reaction to their action. And yeah, it's just, it's a powerful thing when people realize that it really does Like you said. It gives you your power back.

Speaker 2: 26:14

Yes, yes.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Yes.

Speaker 2: 26:27

Yes, yes, yes. And as we change ourselves things, you know, as I stopped criticizing myself not that I don't at all, of course, I'm still human Right but as I learn and to talk to myself better and love myself more, I'm like wow, I didn't realize how much I criticized my spouse, like whoa, no wonder he felt like he did. You know what I mean like wow. So you know I'm changing myself and it is changing our relationship, because now I'm showing up differently, because I'm not talking that way to myself. So I'm realizing I don't want to talk like that to other people either. You know, that was the habit, that was the. You know that part of the brain that just looks likes to look at all the negative and, yeah, changing that around.

Speaker 1: 27:14

Yeah, because, well, when you are wearing, I deal with this too and I tell people I'm like, when you aren't your authentic self.

Speaker 2: 27:26

Okay.

Speaker 1: 27:27

When you are, it would be like wearing shoes that are the wrong size.

Speaker 2: 27:33

Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:34

After wearing shoes that are the wrong size for any length of time, you're going to be grumpy because you're either going to have blisters yes, that's true.

Speaker 2: 27:47

Yeah, that's a good analogy.

Speaker 1: 27:49

Or your feet are going to be killing you. Yeah, and when you don't love yourself, that's like wearing a super uncomfortable pair of shoes like the wrong size. Okay, of course you're going to be grumpy because nothing feels like it fits properly. You don't fit in anywhere. You don't know what to wear. You don't know how to act. You feel like everyone is judging you. You feel like everyone is attacking you Everything. You're always on the defense.

Speaker 2: 28:26

Yeah, makes sense.

Speaker 1: 28:29

And you start to build a blister, like you would on your feet when you don't have on the right size pair of shoes, your feet when you don't have on the right size pair of shoes, right. And then eventually that blister turns into a callus. And now you are calloused about your spouse, your friends, those women in the church group that won't accept you wow, I didn't think of this.

Speaker 2: 28:55

I like this analogy.

Speaker 1: 28:57

I mean here, here, take it, you use it. But that's how I think of it. I think in analogies and I think in like.

Speaker 2: 29:06

That makes sense, yeah, cause then you do, you get hardened. You get hardened against it, yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:12

You do, and then you don't even realize that you're doing it. You don't realize that you are negative first. Right Like that. Your husband says, hey, we should go to the movies. No, I don't want to go to the movies. Yeah, your husband says hey, I'm going to pick up burgers on the way home. I don't like burgers. You know I don't like burgers.

Speaker 2: 29:41

How many times do I have to tell you I don't like burgers? You know I don't like burgers. How many times do I have to tell you I don't like burgers? Exactly, you don't listen to me.

Speaker 1: 29:47

Yeah, but when we we start like you were saying, when you start talking differently to yourself, when you start loving yourself like you don't want to treat yourself that way. And my daughter is in high school, so this is like new or like fresh on my mind all the time. But I tell her all the time I'm like when people are mean to you. And it's gotten better because I started telling her this in junior high and so now she's like a duck, she's like me, we just let stuff roll right off our backs, we're like whatever. But it wasn't always that way for her when she was in junior high. People would be mean to her and she would take it very personally. It would hurt her feelings so bad.

Speaker 1: 30:39

And I used to tell her hey, like when people are mean like that, it is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of how they speak to themselves and how they think of themselves. Like when they are mean like that and they spread rumors or whatever they're doing, like they don't feel good about themselves. If they're going to talk about you like that, that means they talk to themselves like that, and so we really need to be praying for them so that God will soften their heart to themselves, because right now they don't like it. They don't like themselves very much. And so it really is the way that we speak to our spouses, the way that we speak to our children, our boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, like that is truly a reflection of how you see yourself, and I think the work that you do is really powerful, because you are giving people the opportunity to sit and look in the mirror and really see how am I talking to myself, how am I treating myself?

Speaker 1: 32:04

Because when we really love ourselves, we want to take care of ourselves. It's like when you have a brand new puppy, like you have a brand new puppy, you're so in love with this puppy or a new relationship. When you're in a brand new relationship you just started dating, you're all over each other. You can't get enough of each other. So it's like you've got to get back to that right. You've got to get back to loving yourself so much that you want to spend time with yourself. You want to take care of yourself, take care of your body, take care of your mind, and it will naturally overflow into your relationship.

Speaker 2: 32:44

Yes, yes, yes yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:49

So what do you have going on? What is going on in your world besides the workshop?

Speaker 2: 32:56

What are you working on Personally, mm-hmm. Well, personally I'm still working on that voice of mine, like just, I've had big shifts, you know, big shifts like in believing in myself, and that I do, you know, I do have. So I'm working on that. Stepping into the confidence of you know what I have to say and offer matters, yeah.

Speaker 1: 33:27

Yeah, I actually posted about that this morning. I this week. I'm talking all about breaking free from self-sabotage.

Speaker 1: 33:35

And so I actually spoke about how what you have to say matters. There are people out there who need to hear your wisdom, your knowledge, the information that you have to say matters. There are people out there who need to hear your wisdom, your knowledge, the information that you have, your experience. Like I'm telling you in my neighborhood alone I know there's just for my photography client list no, I just, I know, I see it, I see how much relationships are suffering and I see how much marriage is being attacked. And if we can stop looking, repair and rebuild our marriages yes, collaboratively.

Speaker 1: 34:29

And even if your spouse is like not hearing any of it right, like they're just like zoned out on the couch, right, that doesn't mean that you have to stay stuck. You do the work, you do the growth, and I would almost guarantee that they're going to be like, hey, she's different, there's something different about her. Yes, and it'll have them leaning in to see like what's going on here, like what's different, there's something different here, yes, yeah. So don't, don't stop. I want you to keep believing in yourself and working on your voice of confidence, because what you have to share is powerful, and I think that you were created not just for the library in Pennsylvania. That's amazing. I'm glad for it.

Speaker 2: 35:29

I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 35:31

That's so cool. It actually gives me an idea to offer a workshop at my local library. There you go, yeah. So what else are you? Are you working on anything else? Personally, professionally, what you got going on?

Speaker 2: 35:44

fill us in on all the details well, still, you know, taking clients, one-on-one clients coaching clients personally, my husband and I just bought a trailer, which we're so excited because we love camping and we we did a lot of it when the kids were little and all good memories, but kind of haven't done it for a while and we were both talking like what we really both real, something we both really like, so we're really excited about that that's really cool, and I think that is a testament to what you teach and the work that you did, because you and your husband it sounds like you had kids maybe transitioned into empty nesters and now you're at that place where you could very easily grow apart, oh yeah, but instead you are coming together with something that you both enjoy.

Speaker 2: 36:46

Yes, and before that I'll tell a tip for people that's helped us is we set in our calendar. Probably maybe eight months ago we set like on Tuesdays and Thursdays we spend an hour just sit like, go over calendars or whatever, and it's really just connecting like that. Like because otherwise you know he, he works a different shit, he works second shift. You can just not even talk to each other. You know you're like ships passing in the night and we like mark that in our calendar and it's been great, it's been really doesn't have to be deep.

Speaker 1: 37:27

Yeah, so is it like okay, let's sit down and let's go through our calendars together Sometimes, or is it just whatever? Yeah, usually.

Speaker 2: 37:37

I mean, my husband is a quiet guy so it's usually if anybody has anything to say or anything to talk about. It might be me, you know, but I'm accepting he's, you know he's where he, you know he's more on the quiet end, but yeah, like, whatever it may be, so it just there's a space for it. You know it doesn't have to be heavy talk but go over the calendar or just like hey, what's, what's going on? Yeah, how's you know anything new? How was work, whatever yeah, I love that.

Speaker 1: 38:13

I love that because I I always hear relationship coaches say schedule. They'll say schedule sex and schedule date nights. But I really like that practical tip of just schedule time to talk.

Speaker 2: 38:30

Yep, yeah, because there's, and it's just an hour, like we just yeah, and it's like that idea that you're making each other the priority, like it's, that's what it feels like to me, like hey, I mean, we're both open to like if something else comes up, but it's like, oops, that's on my calendar, that's, you know, that's our time.

Speaker 1: 38:52

Yeah, I really like that, that is because, yeah, I mean. So my husband and I often struggle with. Excuse me, I'm sorry, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 39:03

We often struggle because I work from home, okay, works in an office okay and so and he, I, I wake up at six o'clock in the morning and go for a walk, and then I come back with my daughter. I come back and I make breakfast, and and while I'm making breakfast he's taking a shower. And then when he gets out of the shower and is ready to leave for work, I'm getting in the shower. So we are like ships passing in the night in the morning time around here. And then, and then he comes home from work at six, and usually at six I'm either on deep in his video game or working on his motorcycle or whatever.

Speaker 1: 39:53

It is Right, yeah, he's enthralled in something already. So then it's like okay, well, I can't really talk to you right now because you're distracted, so I'll just sit here on the couch and then by the time he simmers down, I'm ready for bed, because I wake up at six o'clock in the morning. So I go to bed early and he's kind of a little night owl. He'll stay up until about midnight.

Speaker 2: 40:34

Okay.

Speaker 1: 40:34

So it's like we don't really ever have that time and he works a sales job, so he his day is like back to back work calls, and so unless I remember to stop and text him whatever it is that's going on, then he may or may not know what's happening around here. Okay, and so it. I love that idea of putting intentional talking time on the calendar.

Speaker 2: 41:07

Yeah, yeah, and even if you just start little like one day a half an hour, I don't know, yeah, he could give up a video game just for a half an hour.

Speaker 1: 41:18

I don't know. Yeah, because usually it's like, okay, we're eating dinner and like I'm. He also has a late lunch, so he eats at like two or three in the afternoon. So when I make dinner, my daughter and I are hungry because we eat at a normal lunchtime, so he's not really eating dinner with us either.

Speaker 1: 41:40

So it's not like you know, dinner time is the time that we can talk, so I really like that and I think that'll be really helpful for other people too of like intentionally putting talking time on the calendar Cause it's not high pressure like date night right, it's not. You don't want to you don't want to have like a conversation about the bug spray guy. Come into the house at dinner at a nice restaurant on date night, Like no. So yeah, I like that, I like that Very nice. Let me know.

Speaker 2: 42:16

Let me know how it goes.

Speaker 1: 42:17

I'm going to let you know how it goes, because that's, it's yeah, because I have noticed. Then we're talking about literally the bug spraying at date night and I've heard other relationship coaches be like at date night it should be nothing to do with the house or the kids, it should be. And they I've even been given like little conversation cards for date night.

Speaker 2: 42:42

Oh, that's a good idea.

Speaker 1: 42:43

Yeah, I actually got them for my bachelorette party. Someone gave them to me for my bachelorette party. But yeah, it removes the need to utilize date night for household.

Speaker 2: 42:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 42:59

Day to day, what you got going on conversations day. What you got going on conversations Right, right, yeah, yeah, very good, very good. Well, thank you for that tip and anything else. What else you got going on Anything else you want? Oh, I was going to ask, okay, what would a one-on-one like, what would a traditional coaching session look like with you? In case anybody's wondering, what does that look like? What?

Speaker 2: 43:26

does that look like? Well, we would, you know. Well, before we started the coaching, we'd go over, you know, what the person wants to work on and maybe what's stopping stopping that from happening, and just so we work on whatever you know, know, and it does like, you know, it's mindset. So we're going to look at the thoughts and the emotions. We can look at that too, which is really powerful. You know, okay, this is my emotion. Well, what thought? Because our thoughts are what cause our emotions. Right, not the circumstance, but how we think about it. And, you know, walk them through, maybe sometimes helping them come up with a different thought option, because they're not getting the result they want, things like that. That's how we, you know, work through it.

Speaker 1: 44:21

Yeah, yeah, I like that. You know, work, work through it. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Yeah, it is that if you can get people to understand that their emotion, it's like a little. It's a little mouse and it has a tail and that tail is connecting to something. What is it connecting to? What thoughts sparked this big emotion that is now causing you to scream at your husband about whatever? Or what thought is driving the fact that you don't feel like being intimate with your husband Like what? Let's follow it back and see, Right?

Speaker 2: 45:03

right, right, and it's powerful. I mean, it's been powerful for me to learn these tools to be able to look at and not just with my spouse, but for myself, like say, in my business, right, well, what result am I getting? And you know what thought am I having? Okay, I'm thinking, oh, I don't have anything good to offer, right. So then what emotion? I'm thinking, oh, I don't have anything good to offer, right. So then what emotion? I'm going to feel like apathy. And when I feel like that, what actions do I take? When you see that on the paper and realize like, oh, okay, I can change that, it's not true that I don't have anything to offer, I'm excited to share this information, then you feel motivated, then you're writing your classes and getting the results. It's just, it's really powerful.

Speaker 1: 45:51

Yeah, yeah, it really is. It's a trickle down effect. But until you understand the root cause of this emotion and I think too, sometimes we might say I'm frustrated and that is a blanket emotion okay what?

Speaker 2: 46:10

are you?

Speaker 1: 46:10

frustrated about? Yes, well, my husband refuses to take out the trash. Okay, so you're frustrated because he's taking out the trash or he's not taking out the trash okay, but what are you really feeling associated with that like? What does that you? Have to go you have to go deeper, because it might be she doesn't feel supported, yeah, doesn't feel cared for she doesn't feel heard. You know, like, what is the true cause behind this emotion, like frustrated, is? Yeah, it's a blanket emotion, but let's dig deeper same thing with anger.

Speaker 2: 46:51

That was me a lot angry, angry. But now I know, if that trigger hits and I feel that instant, like it's almost like you can't even like it just happened so fast from zero to ten, right that trigger, and when that happens, then I say to myself okay, I know it's not really anger, and I sit and now I go down yeah it's that I'm not being seen or heard.

Speaker 2: 47:20

The disappointment yeah, so that's part of with relationships is, you know, being able to take a moment when that trigger, you know, and really looking at what is it underneath yeah, yeah, because quite often it is not the trash oh, it never is the trash, never the trash, it's never the usually the circumstance. It really isn't, it's not. You're right, that's. It's never the trash, it's never usually the circumstance.

Speaker 1: 47:50

It really isn't. It's not. You're right, that's right. It's never the trash. Nope, I know I always make jokes because I'm like, hey, if my husband ever goes missing and I get a new rose bush, don't go looking under that rose bush. But it's never just right, it's never just the surface thing. Like I make those jokes, I'm like, okay, it's, you know I, he's driving me crazy about whatever. But I know, and he knows, that it's not really just the fact that he didn't take out the trash, it's that I've been asking you to do something and I don't feel like you're listening.

Speaker 1: 48:30

Or you know, there's always, there's something, always below the surface. And if we don't dig out the root, if we don't go searching for that root, then before you know it, you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, you don't, you haven't spoken in months like, aside from, are you picking up the kids? No, and that's if you still have kids in the house. And so it really is important to do the heart work. Yes, thank you. Yes, do the heart work and dig in, figure out what is at the root, what is driving this. And yeah, I think you said this earlier, but we can almost guarantee, guarantee that the root is something, a hurt in your heart that needs to be healed.

Speaker 1: 49:28

Yes, yeah, yes well, anything else, got anything else for us? Like I've asked that like three times because I was gonna wrap up and then I was like, wait, I've got another question. I think that's it for today. Okay, well, thank you for being on and, um, where can everyone find you?

Speaker 2: 49:53

well, they can find me on my website, okay, um at it's wwwterriesheartofthematter.

Speaker 1: 50:03

Love it, love it, and we're fellow Terry's. I went by Terry for years and I actually spelled it the same as you, t E R R I.

Speaker 2: 50:12

Yeah, but do you? You don't go by Terry now, do you?

Speaker 1: 50:16

No, I went by Terry in junior high because there were nine Teresa's. Oh, at my school I had always been the only Teresa. My entire life Didn't know anybody else named Teresa until I got to junior high and there were nine of us and I had a boy, terry, and two Teresa's in my history class. So there were three of us. So I in the boy Terry, was t-e-r-r-y, so I went by t-e-r-r-i. Okay, to try to help because it was two Terry's and two Teresa's. Wow. So my teacher would say Terry with a y, terry with an I to differentiate me and the boy Terry. But yeah, okay, yeah. So anyway, thank you for being on and I will share all of your links in the bio in the show notes for this show. I'll get them from you, I'll get your website and we'll share them there. So awesome, until next time, guys. Be well, be kind, and may you find some joy this week. Bye.