Clarity to Courage: What's Really Keeping You Stuck

In this conversation, Teresa Mitchell discusses the challenges of people pleasing, fear of failure, and guilt from past decisions that keep individuals stuck in their lives. She emphasizes the importance of understanding these factors to regain clarity and courage in pursuing personal goals and overcoming burnout.

Takeaways
Your peace, your energy, and your time are invaluable.
Reflect on whether fear of failure is driving your decisions.
Perfectionism can prevent you from taking action.
Guilt from past decisions can hinder your progress.
Emotional baggage can keep you stuck in old patterns.
It's essential to prioritize your own needs and well-being.
Understanding the root of your decisions can lead to clarity.
People pleasing often leads to burnout and dissatisfaction.
Taking small steps can help you regain control of your life.
Finding courage to say no is crucial for personal growth.

Sound Bites
"Is a fear of failure driving your decisions?"
"Perfectionism can keep us stuck."
"What emotional baggage is keeping you stuck?"

Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Clarity and Courage
02:16 The Journey of Clearing Emotional Clutter
07:39 Understanding Emotional Baggage and Fear of Failure
10:35 Confronting Fear of Failure
13:19 Overcoming Perfectionism
16:25 Breaking Free from People Pleasing
17:19 Understanding People Pleasing and Its Impact
19:36 The Weight of Guilt from Past Decisions
24:10 Reflecting on the Past to Move Forward
26:10 Outro.mp4

Chapters

• 0:00 Series Introduction: From Burnout to Clarity
• 2:16 Clear the Clutter: Emotional Baggage
• 8:07 Fear of Failure Keeps Us Stuck
• 11:35 The Perfectionist Mindset Trap
• 15:02 People Pleasing: Not Your Job
• 19:18 Guilt from Past Decisions
• 24:01 Reflection and Next Steps

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

In this five-part podcast series, I am going to walk you through a proven process to move from burnout and overwhelm to clarity, alignment and courage through action. If you've built a successful career but feel emotionally drained, disconnected from your passion or stuck in survival mode, this series will help you break free from fear and reignite your purpose. You don't have to keep spinning your wheels your clarity and courage are waiting. Hi friends, welcome to episode one of From Clarity to Courage. I am Teresa. I am a freedom, mindset and recovery coach and I am the founder of Bella Grace Coaching. This series is especially for those of you who are high achieving professionals like veterinarians, healthcare workers, executives, entrepreneurs, stay-at-home moms, service professionals, fill in the blank who are feeling burnt out and disconnected from what used to light you up. Today we start with step one, which is clear the clutter, and you're going to want to come back for the rest of these episodes. I am going to release them every Thursday at 7 am Central, so come back each week, because we are going to talk about things like getting real, about what you want, finding your next steps. We are going to talk about courage killers facing fear, doubt and the inner critic. We are also going to talk about build the bridge, turning clarity into action, and then, finally, in week five, we are going to talk about owning your courage and stepping forward with confidence. So don't miss a single week. Again. These are going to come out every Thursday at 7 am, central Tune in subscribe so that you don't miss a single episode. I am so excited.

Speaker 1: 2:11

Okay, so let's start with clearing the clutter. For years, I took the next logical step I got sober, went back to school, raised my daughter in church, I earned the degrees, I climbed the ladder. On paper, everything looked great. But I woke up one day in August and realized that I was miles away from my calling. I was surviving, but I was not thriving. Let's be honest as high performers, we know how to make ourselves run to our limit, but we also now know how to mask exhaustion. But if you feel tired even after resting, if you're busy but unfulfilled, if you're afraid to slow down because the silence might speak too loudly, it might be time to clear the clutter. Okay, so here is what keeps us stuck. Number one is emotional baggage. Yeah, so all of our emotional baggage can actually keep us stuck and can keep us in this debilitating cycle of work, strive, work, strive, work, strive, and so then we never get off of the hamster wheel, we start operating on autopilot pilot.

Speaker 1: 3:40

So to understand my own story with this, we have to go back to when I was eight years old and I truly adopted the mindset of unlovable, unwanted and unworthy. It all started when my dad passed away and suddenly his family was like hey, we don't have time, we don't want anything to do with you. In fact, I was told by family members that they said that we died the day that my dad died, and so I immediately thought that I was unlovable, unwanted and unworthy of people's love, and I carried that emotional baggage with me into my teenage years. And in my teenage years it led me to accept the behaviors of people, even though I knew they were wrong, simply because they said that they loved me. Those decisions led to some very traumatic events in my life. I was the victim of intimate partner violence, I ended up having a teenage pregnancy, I had an abortion because that's what my family thought was the right choice for me, and all of that led to trauma, and it led to a lot of unhealed shame, regret, guilt and anger, and I finally I ended up turning to drugs and alcohol after that to cope with all of those emotions. And I used drugs to satiate my pain, to mask my pain, for about three years. And in those three years I wreaked havoc on my life and I finally got sober at the age of 20. And when I got sober I still hadn't healed from those feelings of being unwanted, lovable and unworthy. So when I got sober I really felt like I had to prove myself and I then adopted this mindset of a fear of't fail. If I didn't disappoint anybody, then I would be all good and I would be accepted back into society, even though I was a recovering addict with a criminal history. And so I let that emotional baggage from when I was eight years old drive every behavior, every decision that I made into my teenage years and then into my 20s.

Speaker 1: 6:31

It was not until I was in my 30s that I realized that the emotional baggage that I had been holding from my family's rejection of me to the trauma of my teenage years, to the shame of my addiction All of that I had carried into my adulthood and into my career and it was keeping me stuck. I was choosing the next right step, I was doing the next right thing. I was taking the jobs, I was taking the promotions, I was checking all the boxes, but really it was all of my emotional baggage that was keeping me on this path. That was misaligned with who I was, who I wanted to be and who I know I was meant to be, and so that's just my own story of how emotional baggage can keep us stuck. So I would like to invite you to really think about what emotional baggage you carry and is it keeping you stuck? This can stir up some really strong emotions when you do it. It is some hard work, but I want to invite you to dig in, look at the decisions that you've been making, look at the path that you have been walking and try to tease apart. Is there some emotional baggage that is fueling my decisions and my actions, and are they keeping me stuck?

Speaker 1: 8:03

Another thing that keeps us stuck is a fear of failure. Yeah, so I kind of talked about my own fear of failure and how, for years, it kept me stuck. So on the outside, it looked like I had it all together I had the job, I had the car, I had the family, I had the degrees, I had all the things, but all of that was being driven by a fear of failure. So I have always had a dream of helping people get and stay sober and to let go of the mindsets and behaviors that are keeping them stuck. Until 2021, I was working as a records and information management supervisor in various roles, various companies, and that is a far cry from a sober coach, from a substance use counselor, like no, nowhere on the same spectrum, right. But I had let a fear of failure drive me down this path towards records and information management.

Speaker 1: 9:09

When I graduated from college, I was a single mother. I needed to make sure that I could provide for my daughter and I tried and tried and tried to get a job in the nonprofit world. I tried and tried and tried to get a job as a licensed chemical dependency counselor intern so that I could get my hours and become an LCDC, which was my dream at that. But I let a fear of failure, I let a fear of not being able to provide for my daughter hold me back. And, yes, that is a valid necessity, right, I need to be able to provide for my daughter.

Speaker 1: 9:51

But at the root of that was a fear of having to move back home, a fear of having to rely on others. And at the bottom, very bottom basic line of that is that I had a fear of failure. So, instead of pushing through and fighting until I got the job and searching until I found the right fit, I defaulted to the first job that came my way. That was a guaranteed yes, and I took it. It was not in the field that I wanted. It was good pay, it was good benefits. I was told that it was a good foot in the door. I could make connections that would lead to a job in the nonprofit world. It sounded like the right next step, and so I took it.

Speaker 1: 10:35

But the truth was that job was never what I wanted to do. I was letting the fear of failure drive all of the decisions that I was making at that point, and so I want to invite you to really reflect on the decisions that you have made. Reflect on the decisions that you have made. Is a fear of failure driving your decisions? Why haven't you started that business that you want? Why aren't you applying to school to get your master's degree or your PhD? Why haven't you taken the next step towards whatever it is? Maybe you're wanting to start a podcast about something that you're really passionate in. What is keeping you stuck? Is it a fear of failure? So I let that drive me for far too long.

Speaker 1: 11:30

Another thing that keeps us stuck is the perfectionist mindset. Keeps us stuck is the perfectionist mindset. Perfectionism tells us that we have to do everything right. Oftentimes we will let it control us so much that we think if we can't do it perfect, then there's no point in trying, and so we just will never take that first step. Out of a fear of not doing it perfect. We might say like, oh, I want to be a coach someday. I want to be a life coach, I want to be a sober coach. I want to coach veterinarians that are up and coming. I want to help other people do XYZ, but you're afraid that you won't be the perfect coach, so you just never take the first step.

Speaker 1: 12:16

Perfectionism can keep us stuck that way. It can also keep us stuck in a situation where you say I can't leave this situation until I have done it perfect. Maybe you are getting ready to step into the next season of life, maybe you are getting ready to step into retirement and you hesitate to leave your current situation because you want to make sure that everything is perfect at your place of employment before you leave. I have a few clients who are business owners and they are ready to sell their business, but they aren't doing it because they don't feel like they have perfected it enough to hand it off to someone. And so perfection is keeping them stuck in this business that they have outgrown and they are ready to step away from. So perfectionism can keep us stuck in a number of different ways.

Speaker 1: 13:23

As a mother, it can keep us stuck in our old patterns. We can think that we are not ready to move into the next phase of motherhood because we totally screwed up the last phase. I always say that I was. My daughter will tell you that I was mean mommy when she was a toddler, right, and so she was a. She was a mean toddler, and so I could sit here and I could say, okay, I failed her as a mother. I was a mean mommy, I was all the things. And so instead of learning, growing and moving forward and growing with her into the next phase of her life, I could stay stuck. And I could stay stuck in that mean mommy phase and I could allow the shame and the guilt of being mean mommy, just fester and keep me there and keep me from enjoying the next phase of her life, because I'm quote unquote not a perfect mother.

Speaker 1: 14:22

You might be single and wanting to start dating, but you are afraid to take the next step because you don't think that you are ready to be the perfect girlfriend. You still have emotional baggage, you still have this, you still have this, you still have that. You haven't worked through certain things, and I want to invite you to let go of the perfectionism mindset and just embrace your flaws right. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow. We can't grow unless we allow ourselves the opportunity to fail.

Speaker 1: 14:56

Another thing that keeps us stuck is people pleasing yes, people pleasing. So I had a fear of failure. I had a fear of disappointing others and I was a grade A student, professional people pleaser. I said yes to all of the projects. I said yes to all of the requests. I was everything for everybody, because I didn't want to let anybody down. I spent years letting people down, or so I thought, when I was in my active addiction, and so when I got sober, I was so hyper focused on pleasing everyone around me that I allowed it to keep me stuck for far too long. And I always tell everybody like honey, you are not a taco. It is not your job to make everyone happy. You cannot please everyone. The only person that you should be worried about pleasing is yourself, your inner joy, your peace. So right now on Facebook, I'm talking about protecting your peace and so and I'll eventually do an entire podcast episode on that but when we people please, we do it at the expense of our own peace and our own energy.

Speaker 1: 16:20

So when you are asked to do something, when you are asked to complete a project or to go on a trip or to do a favor for someone, we have to stop before we say yes and say okay, I really want to say yes, but why do I want to say yes? Am I saying yes just because I don't want to let this person down? Am I saying yes because I am afraid to say no? Am I saying yes because it's my default answer? Why are we so quick to say yes and really think about is this a yes for me? Does this align with my goals? Is this going to keep me away from moving towards my goals? Is this going to take time, energy or resources from me? And if all of those answers are yes, then we really need to determine whether or not it is worth the time, energy and resources that it is going to take. Your peace, your energy and your time are things that we can't get back, and so if it is going to deplete any of that and the driving force behind our yes is people pleasing, then I want to invite you to take a step back and say is there a way that I can say no but maybe offer my services in another way?

Speaker 1: 17:43

If your friend is asking you to go get them from the airport, but it's going to mean staying up late, which is going to disrupt your entire sleep pattern. It's going to put you in a bad mood. Tomorrow You're going to be late for work because you're going to want to sleep in. Then can we say, hey, I'd really love to pick you up from the airport, but I need to get some rest tonight, so can I call you an Uber instead? Or our other friend is available. Can we maybe ask her?

Speaker 1: 18:11

But really, looking at the reason behind your yes, is it driven by people pleasing? Is your yes to this job rooted in people pleasing? Is your yes to this promotion rooted in people pleasing? Is saying yes going to take you away from the things that you value most? Is it going to take you away from family, friends, freedom? And if it is, then why are we saying yes? Is it rooted in people pleasing? Are we afraid to say no to this promotion because we think another one won't come our way? But really really digging in and seeing what is at the root of our yes, is it people pleasing? And if it is, is there another way to approach this situation that protects our time, our energy, our peace and our resources? So just some food for thought on how people pleasing can keep us stuck.

Speaker 1: 19:13

Okay, the final thing that keeps us stuck is guilt from past decisions. As I shared earlier, I made some really poor decisions very early in life and I let the guilt of those past decisions keep me stuck for so long. And now, when I start to feel guilt around a decision, I stop and I ask myself why do I feel guilty right now? Is this because I am so used to saying yes and I feel like I'm letting someone down? Why am I so used to saying yes? Is it rooted in some sort of guilt over a past decision where I said no and something happened. Guilt from our past decisions haunts us if we do not keep a finger on that pulse right. We've got to keep an eye on what is driving our current decisions. Is it guilt from the past? We may not realize it, but sometimes our past is in the driver's seat and our past is the one taking us through life. And so I wanna invite you to stop and reflect and say are my past decisions dictating the decisions that I make today? Do I have some guilt around my past decisions? I shared earlier that I have made my fair share of bad decisions in the past, and so I have to really keep a finger on that pulse and say okay, are the decisions that I am making today driven by guilt of decisions that I have made in the past?

Speaker 1: 21:02

I for years felt really guilty about not being there for a friend. She later died by suicide, and I felt like I was so focused on my own life, my own drama, that I missed her pain. And so for years I was the best friend. I would drop anything for anyone at any given moment. I would give you the shirt off my back, I would give you money, even if it meant that I would go hungry. I gave and I gave and I gave because the guilt of my decisions in the past was driving me to make decisions about my current friendships and I was depleted. My energy, my peace, my everything, my sleep, everything was being depleted because I was trying to be everything for everyone, and it wasn't until I stopped and really thought about it Like, why am I making these decisions, why am I trying to be everything for everyone, and discovered that it was rooted in my guilt over my friend's passing, and that is a really hard reality to come to.

Speaker 1: 22:13

So I want to invite you to really reflect on the decisions that you are making present day, present day. What decisions are you making right now, and are they rooted in some guilt from your past decisions? If you are in a marriage and you made some really poor decisions and had an affair, maybe you make decisions out of guilt from the past. And now you go above and beyond and you're doing everything for your wife and you're asking her every two seconds can I get this, can I get that, can I do this, can I do that? And you're secretly driving her insane. Your decisions are being driven by your guilt of the past. So how about we instead sit down and tell the wife hey, I'm feeling really like my decisions and the way that I am behaving is really rooted in the guilt of my past choices and I would like to amend that and I would like to see how I can best serve you because I don't wanna drive you crazy.

Speaker 1: 23:15

So, really sitting down, looking at what is driving our decision making Is it rooted in some guilt from the past and how can we approach that differently? Is it a hard conversation that needs to happen with someone? Is it a hard conversation that needs to happen with ourselves? Is it we need to sit down and reevaluate how we are making decisions? We need to forgive ourselves. We need to sit down and reevaluate how we are making decisions. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to sit down and say, hey, back then you made the best decision that you could with the information that you had. You can't go back and change it, but you can change how you respond now. So just again, food for thought. Maybe some guilt from past decisions is also keeping you stuck now.

Speaker 1: 24:01

I want to invite you to reflect on what is weighing you down right now that you haven't given yourself permission to let go of what have you experienced in the past that is driving you right now and potentially keeping you stuck. This is a really tough exercise, but I promise it is going to help you clear the clutter. It is going to get rid of those mindsets that are keeping you stuck, those behaviors that are keeping you stuck, so that you can start to actually sift through what matters and really get the clarity on what matters what's keeping me from reaching what matters? And then we can move forward into defining what your next step is. So tune in next Thursday at 7 am Central for part two, which is getting real about what you want and defining what your next step is. But we can't move into that until you really define what is keeping you stuck and come up with a plan for getting unstuck.

Speaker 1: 25:13

I've shared the common things that keep us stuck and some tips on how to get out of that, but if you would like to dig deeper and really dig into whatever is keeping you stuck and make a path forward, I would invite you to click on the show notes below it is in the description and click the free discovery call link and schedule a call with me. Let's talk about it In one call. I can help you develop a plan for moving forward out of whatever is keeping you stuck. And then, if we want to work together more after that, great, but I would love to at least have one call with you so that we can start to move you forward. So I hope this resonated with you. Drop me a comment like subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. And until next week. Be well, be kind and may you find some joy this week. Bye.