Who Do You Want to Be in All of This?

Welcome back to Even Here, Even Now. I’m Mara, your host, and today’s episode is a deeply personal reflection on how we navigate overwhelming times, hold space for grief, and find our unique role in the world. I share my own struggles, insights, and the ongoing journey of learning to care for myself while showing up for my community. If you’re someone who feels the weight of responsibility, this episode is for you. (Ahem, eldest sisters to the front.)

Timestamps & Highlights:

0:00 – Opening thoughts: waking up to grim news and emotional overwhelm

3:38 – Crying in the driveway. Maybe you need to cry too?

6:41 – The pressure to minimize our needs in the face of the overwhelming need of the people around us

10:55 – The “group project” fear: why it's really hard to trust others to do their part 😬

13:51 – Learning to be honest about our capacity if we want to be in community

17:24 – The unreasonable expectation to be good at everything, and how to let that go

21:04 – My journey into local activism: choosing affordable housing as my “corner” of the work

24:36 – Using my voice and skills to make an impact, and letting go of what isn’t mine to carry (I know, yikes and ugh)

29:13 – The power of doing your one thing: how doing less can actually mean doing more (and more sustainably)

Thank you for listening and for being part of this space. Remember, you don’t have to do everything—just your one thing matters.

Transcript

0:03

Hi, good morning. Welcome back to today's episode of Even Here, even Now, a very needy podcast with Mara. Glatzel I'm your host. And today we are talking about who we want to be in all of this. By all of this, I am. Kind of gesturing wildly all around. I woke up this morning as I so often do, and uh, started tuning into the news, and I wanna preface this with a hot tip that if you find yourself both wanting to, um, take in some of the news, the news is all mostly 99%, um, very grim. Very devastating and a practice that I put into place, uh, about a year ago is that I only listen to the news. I try not to read, especially on my phone, where my tendency is to kind of lean inward, right to, to physically freeze as I read article after article, after article. So I try to listen to my news. I listen to NPR and a few other, um, podcasts. And anyway, I, I listened to it so that I could be moving my body and integrating it while I am taking it in. So, all I had to say, I woke up and I was tuning into the news, as I so often do, and the news was really. Sad and bad and hard to hold as it so often is. And, um, then I woke my kids up and fed them, got them dressed, took them to school, and then I got home and I was sitting in the driveway just crying. And I, I feel like I could cry now. I might even cry on this episode. Um. I am not remotely, sorry. If you need to cry while you're listening to this podcast, please let this be a place where you allow yourself to do that. Um, because we are holding so much profound grief and have been, and have been, you know, there was a point in the last year where my partner said to me, um, you think about collapse more than anyone. That I know, except they said apocalypse. Um, but I don't use the word apocalypse, so I'm gonna use the word collapse here. And I, you know, it stung for a minute because it's, it's familiar of an entire lifetime of being told that I am too dark. I think too much. I'm too sensitive. Um, I'm too worried, I'm too nervous about things and. At this point, I think we all can collectively agree. There's a lot to be worried about and um, you know, that was sort of my rebuttal to my partner, but like we can, we can both agree right? That, um, we're in a dark time. Like we're in a very difficult time and I know that for many of us. That can be a really challenging reality to hold, to be with what is to be with how dark and how big and how, um, grief Latin every day is. When we think about our. Lives and our communities and our children and the climate crisis and, um, the policies that harm trans people, queer people, immigrants, people of color, um, that harm all of us. And you know, if you're getting to this point and you're sort of thinking like, mm, not so politically aligned with what this chick's yammering on about, it's only gonna get worse from here. So you may as well see yourself out. You are listening to a podcast that is hosted by a queer. Woman, um, who has a non-binary partner and a family and whose father is an immigrant. And in this space, reverence for humanity, um, reigns. And, uh, that's the perspective that I'm gonna be speaking from here. So, um. So all this to say all this, to say a few things. The first is if you are in a state of overwhelm, of big fear, of big sadness, of big grief, if you find yourself toggling between, between that big, those big feelings and no feelings or pushing it to the side or numbing out or pretending like it doesn't exist. You are in good company. Um, we are all really trying to figure out how to be here now, and this is a podcast specifically for those of us who have a tendency to take responsibility for all of the things for the eldest. Daughters for the anxiously attached, for the care providers, for the mental health workers, for all of us who had a knack for putting other people first and turned it into a career or a lifestyle and. The reason that I'm talking to you all specifically and also myself, is because I really believe that all of us have a truly vital role in this time and place. And also I'm acutely aware that it is custom fit to burn us out to a tiny crisp, right? Because as the things to hold Mount. Our needs, our tendency to make our needs small in the face of the enormous suffering in the world. Um, to put ourselves last to, uh, highlight and emphasize our contributions and minimize our personal requirements for what it, what we need to do. Those things well just amplifies. And so I'm thinking about all of us this morning and being caught in this push and pull between, there's so much to do. There's so much acute need, and also I require so much to be here and I'm just one person and I'm spread so thin, and in that I'm here to share. How I think about that for myself and even the parts that are really uncomfortable, right? It's uncomfortable for me actually to think about. This at all? Um, because the voices that I was socialized with, the voices that I was raised with, the who do you think you are? Or you're selfish, or you know, how can you be prioritizing your special little things when so many people in the world have so little, those voices are so loud. And for many, many, many years, I let those voices win. And I share that'cause I understand what that feels like to be in that pressure cooker of there's so much to do and the stakes are so high and I have to expect so much from myself, superhuman efforts. And I, I'm good, right? I'm good. I have so much more than so many other people. I have so much privilege. I'm good. I can go without. And the thing that I think is really notable is that it's not actually serving anyone for you to ignore the fact that you're a human being who has needs and it's not actually serving anyone. For us to have these sort of conditions of like, well, you know, under these circumstances, certainly my needs no longer matter. Right. Like we can all agree on that, right? That's part of the reason why I changed this podcast to be called even here even now, because that's, that's the big idea. Even here, even now and again, even here, even now and again, even here and even now, over the course of the last year, I have repeated this refrained myself so many times, even here and even now because. As the news gets bigger and more overwhelming, as the circumstances both local and global, get more overwhelming, as everything kind of mounts up on top of one another, the tended tendency, the tendency to shrink beneath that and to make yourself small in the face of it, is just so seductive. But what are the costs of that? Right? What are the costs of minimizing your needs in the face of suffering? I think we need to rethink what we're talking about when we're talking about self-care because, um, if you are an integral person in your community. Then caring for yourself so that you can sustainably contribute to your community for the long haul is community care because you are the vessel for your efforts. And so figuring out how to make sure that you have what you need in order to do things well. And that might include doing less, as uncomfortable as that is, so you can focus on the things that not only your really excellent at, but also you really enjoy. Right? This idea that, um, there is a corner of this work for each of us, and that if each of us is able. To really hone in on what that corner is for us and devote ourselves to it, then we might be able, all of us together to do the work. But I think the fear, the fear is like that group project, fear of I can't trust anyone in my life. To do their part in the group project. And so I'm up days and nights feverishly working, um, because I don't trust other people to do their work. And now I wanna say, Mo, this is scary'cause it's real, right? Many people aren't trustworthy, not because they don't wanna be. But because of how we are socialized to give so much more than we are genuinely able because of how we're socialized to say yes when we wanna say no or we need to say no. And so we're not truthful. And we're not dependable. And when we're saying yes all of the time, actually we're lying. We're lying or we're not being clear at the cost at which it's going to, um, what it's gonna cost us to be able to make good on that thing and just how, um, inconsistent. It becomes, right. If you think about like a roller coaster, it's like sometimes you're there and you're so there, you're so on it, and then these periods happen where you're, you are not answering your texts, you're not answering your phone, you're not doing this, you're not doing that. You're not following through because you literally can't. And how human of you, so. When it comes to that group project, and it comes to learning how to be honest with one another about what we have capacity for, genuinely. About where we're at genuinely, there's an entire skillset that we need to learn that we do not have. And this is the reason why I am so passionate about my, uh, professional work in the world, um, because I think that this is the place where if we wanna be in community with one another, and we need. To be in community with one another, and we wanna be able to trust one another. We need to be able to trust one another, and we wanna be able to trust ourselves, and we need to be able to trust ourselves. Then we need to learn the language of our bodies, the language of our needs, the language of our capacity, so that we are able to be more forthright. About what we have to give and how we wanna give it. There's a couple different parts to that. You know, the one part is the energy piece, right? Like the care, um, the amount of things that we can prioritize at one time. Um, the acknowledgement that. That's not a one and done decision, right? That there are thick and thin times, and so there might be times where you're more available and times where you're less available, right? If you're having some sort of care crisis, if you're having some sort of, um, chronic illness flare or, um, certain seasons, you are less productive and less available than other seasons, right? You're a human being. And so being available for something isn't a one and done decision, but that's one half of it. The other half of it is figuring out what even is my corner of things, right? As I said, coming to you live as an eldest daughter, as a um, person who is just. Ready to become an expert in anything at a moment's notice, and then take that on as if I was born knowing how to do it right. Um, that's sort of the charge that I, I feel like I, that's like the oldest daughter in me. It's like, oh. Hold on, hang out. I'm just gonna Google it right quick. And then I'm gonna become an expert and I'm gonna force myself to have all of the answers and my expectations of myself are gonna be sky high, and then I'll be back. No mistakes ever, I promise. Okay. Um. And what an unreasonable expectation it is to be good at everything. If nobody's told you that today, it is an unreasonable expectation of yourself to be good at everything, and instead in this space of collapse, what I'm thinking about is what matters to me specifically, what matters to my family, what matters to my community? Who do I want to be in? All of this? What do I want to be responsible for? What do I want to equip myself to be able to hold? What role do I want to play in this big group project? And in asking these questions, it becomes less of a scattershot. I'm here for everything. I'm good at everything. I can do anything. Just, you know, wind me up and watch me go. And becomes a more specific conversation around not just what am I good at, but also what do I like to do? What am I passionate about and what are my skills and how can I use those skills? How can I transfer those skills? How can I leverage those skills to show up for those things that matter to me most? So. You know, for me, um, what matters to me deeply is being a active, an active participant in my local community. Um, you know, about 10 years ago, um, my daughter, I got pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago today, um, I conceived my oldest daughter, so I've been a mother for 10 years. Yeah. And um, in that time I found myself, you know, my daughter was three months old. Trump was elected for the first time, and I was laying, I was sitting there, uh, in an armchair in my living room, nursing my kid and looking at my phone and really. Feeling the overwhelming urge of I have to do something. I have to do everything. What can I do? You know, meanwhile I'm like literally feeding a child from my body, like I'm doing a lot, but of course, you know, definitely not appreciating that. And that was not in this space. I was like, and what else can I be doing? And how about 5,000 other things? Um, but over the course of these last 10 years, I have become an active participant. On boards and committees and interwoven within the fabric of my community in a multitude of ways. And the way that I think about that work, like how I decide what to do, is a combination of what are, what am I, what am I drawn to? What am I passionate about? What am I good at, and what are the skills that I have to offer that thing? So for me, having grown up, um, in a lifetime of unstable housing, living in a place where there's a housing crisis, um, affordable housing became my focus and, um. With a kind of side focus of getting more young people involved in local politics, um, mostly to, to serve that first name of getting people to be there to vote in local elections. And, um, we legislate by town meeting here. In my, a small town in Massachusetts, which means that we get once a year or twice a year if we're unlucky, get everyone together, um, in a room or a tent. If there's not a room big enough and we vote, we raise our hands. We have a little card. You have to say yes or no. You raise your hands, everyone gets to see what you vote for. Uh, it's a form of politics that I really, really like, um, because. There's an earnestness to it. You have to say it with your chest, right? People are looking at you. And, um, anyway, so with a side project of getting more young people, more families, um, more people who are working, uh, who have a tendency to be disenfranchised or feel like they're not being heard, more people to, to be in the arena to vote, and to even understand how the whole political system works, right? So. I chose affordable housing because it's a topic that is near and dear to me personally, but it's also something that I'm interested in kind of academically and professionally as a mental healthcare provider. I'm interested in the impact, um, of not having secure housing has on your mental health. And when I think about how I want to be of service to that area, I think about what I'm good at. Like you're here on my podcast, I'm about 20 minutes in. I'm a yapper and professionally and personally, and so, um. I'm standing at town meeting and I am delivering commentary. I am standing up in, in select board meetings, delivering commentary, like I'm talking a lot. I'm using my voice. I'm telling stories. I am changing hearts and minds on town, meeting floor whenever I can, using the skills that I have. F now I'm doing that, but there are things that I'm not doing. Right. I'm not doing childcare. I'm not really cooking food. I'm not, um, working with different other vulnerable populations in my town. Not because I don't care about them, of course I do, but because I'm only one person. And I've decided that my corner of the group project has to be something that I'm really invested in and something that I'm ready, able and willing to commit to. And I wanna do that thing to the best of my abilities. Instead of doing 10 million things and doing them like kind of okay-ish, maybe, and then I'm gonna burn out and I'm gonna ghost on all of them. So when we think about how to show up in the face of the world that we are living in now, one of the ways that I have, um, made peace with and have answered the question for myself about what is enough to do. Is to be really super clear on what my corner is and to do it to the best of my abilities. Now, are there more corners? Yeah. Do I notice them 24 7 because I can't not, yeah. Do I feel feelings about it? Sure. Absolutely. But it is a facet of my devotion to my corner. That I cannot take on all of the other things that I have to let somebody else take them on, or I have to watch them drop and be uncomfortable with that. But if we are gonna be effective, if we are going to show up for what matters to us, if we are going to be members of our community, that other people can count on. We have to stop taking on more than is ours to own. We have to stop saying yes when we need to say no. We have to stop contributing without considering our own requirements for what we need. In order to do that well, we have to stop pretending we don't have needs. Because in this future, whatever future it is that we are walking into, our needs matter, all of our needs, whether or not our needs are being met doesn't mean that they don't matter, right? They still matter. We're still working towards that end, that aim of everyone has what they need. Shelter, food, bodily dignity. Safety, security to know that they're cherished and loved, they mean something. They have a place here they belong. It's easy to say that those things don't matter because they're not happening. But when I think about how I wanna work towards building a world that. Is supportive and nourishing for all of us. Those things matter. They matter more, not less. And if they matter for other people, they matter for me too, right? One of the ways that I can practice building that world is to start with my own micro ecosystem, is to start by tending to myself. As I want other people to be tended to, and then using my capacity, whatever capacity I have, right? And that can shift and that can change. And being the steward of my capacity means that I tend to it as it shifts and change changes. Um, but using that capacity to. Show up for my community in a way that is not perfect. Not me being everything to everyone like I always thought I wanted to be. Um, but honest, right? Honest, focused on these questions. Who do I want to be? What do I want to be responsible for? What do I need in order to do that? Well? What role do I wanna play? What role do I wanna play? And these are big questions. You might be like, Mara, I'm already overwhelmed. I'm already overwhelmed by the news. I'm already overwhelmed by everything. Don't come at me with these big questions and then give me another thing to do. But I actually think this is a simplification. Because I actually think that part of the reason why you're overwhelmed right now is you're trying to do too many things. We're all trying to do too many things. We're not appreciating the things we already are doing, the ways we already are contributing, because it feels like I'm so small in the face of something so big and I should do more when. Many of the people who are listening to this podcast are caregivers, are showing up for others in huge ways every single day, and small ways, ways that every other people are never gonna hear about but meaningful ways. And so I am, don't mean to overwhelm you or give you another job or put, make you responsible for another host of things. And I encourage you to think about this instead, as a simplification, what am I going to devote myself to? Because the absolute reality is I cannot do everything. I cannot be everything to everyone. I am not going to solve. All of the world's problems, just me, myself, and I, if I only work hard enough and I never sleep and I never stop, and I never rest, and I never, you know, grab some water and pretending that you can or should do all of the things and spreading yourself so thin that you never really do anything. Between you and I, I feel you. I feel you. But like when we spread ourselves so thin, we never actually do anything. It's a waste, right? It's an illusion when we could be doing one or two things relatively well, and how cool is that? Those are your things. You get to do those things and somebody else is gonna do their things. And then across your community, you know, people are unfreezing because they no longer believe in the expectation that they should be doing everything. So therefore they're doing nothing and they just start doing one thing. And if we all do one thing, that's a lot of things. It's a lot of things. So this is a simplification with some. Just urgency to try and liberate you from any freeze you're in right now. Um, being frozen is so normal in the face of so much, and also I What one thing, what one thing could you focus on today? What one thing could you do today? Just one thing, and maybe again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. All right. Thank you. Obviously, this is a big topic that we will continue discussing here on this podcast. I am grateful for the time that I got to spend with you today, and I'm spending a lot of love your way.