Untamed and Embodied with Tertia Riegler

#16: How To Embody Your Self-Worth, Feel More Confident And Overcome Self-Doubt

February 24, 2023 Tertia Riegler Episode 16
Untamed and Embodied with Tertia Riegler
#16: How To Embody Your Self-Worth, Feel More Confident And Overcome Self-Doubt
Show Notes Transcript

Personal fulfilment starts with you believing in yourself and for that, you need to overcome self-doubt and insecurity. 

When you have confidence in yourself you can finally start speaking up for your needs, stick to your resolutions and trust your decisions. 

A big barrier that many women have is they think that they need to fix certain things about themselves first before they can have the confidence to be themselves, (I use to believe this too!).  

Of course, it is not true.  You are not broken. There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. 

But this is how our mind can work against us.

We have a habitual way of being, and we have all of these patterns that are an automatic replay.  It is part of the wonderful efficiency of our brains, and it just makes it easier for us to get on in the world.

And now of course, if this pattern or this narrative is one that's supporting you, then that's great. But the truth is, for so many of us, this habitual way of being which feeds our thinking can work against us in so many different areas of our life. 

Whether it's at work where you don't want speak up for yourself, whether it's in a relationship, where you keep on attracting the same people, or whether it is you trying to change your lifestyle, but you always go back to your old ways of being. 

So this is the obvious question then, how to create a new habitual way of being that eliminates self-doubt? 

It starts with the belief that it is possible for you to cultivate a deep sense of your own self worth and the confidence that comes as a result of that. 

In this episode I share with you 3 keys to overcome self doubt, and I take you through a model that I use with my clients and also apply in my own life which will help you have more confidence and self esteem, and create personal freedom within. 

I speak about

  • Creating a new narrative
  • You don’t need external validation
  • Getting to know yourself and your triggers


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A big reason I got into the self-help personal development industry is because I wanted to feel better about myself. And maybe you can relate because so many women that I speak to feel the same. They want to be free to show up as themselves, but they struggle. And that's why I wanted to make this video for you because when I first started on my personal development journey, I thought that there was something wrong with me. There was something about me that needed to be fixed first so that I could then be acceptable. And then only would I be free to show up as myself. I can tell you it is not true. You are not broken. There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. So in today's episode, I want to share with you three keys that will help you overcome your self doubt so that you can feel free to show up as yourself and tap into that confident woman that's already inside of you. So here are the three keys that I'm gonna share with you today. One, create a new narrative. Two, realise that you don't need external validation. And three, get to know yourself and your triggers. There's this old movie of Drew Barrymore, Adam Sandler called 50 first dates you may have seen it,  Now in this movie, she has a condition which makes her forget who she is. So she goes to sleep at night, and then when she wakes up, she has to basically start over and learn everything about herself and about her life. And of course, we are the total opposites of that. In order for us to really be able to move in the world, our brains are very efficient and effective in creating a narrative or a story about who we are. We have like a habitual way of being. We have all of these patterns that are an automatic replay and it just makes it easier for us to get on in the world. And now of course, if this pattern or this narrative is one that's supporting you, then that's great. But the truth is, for so many of us, this pattern, the habitual way of being, our thinking, can really work against us in so many different areas of our life. Whether it's at work where you don't wanna speak up for yourself, whether it's in a relationship, or you kind of keep on attracting the same people, or your relationships always end in the same way. Or whether it is you trying to change your lifestyle, you're trying to lose weight, for example but you always go back to your old ways of being. So what we really want to do here is look at how can we begin to create a new narrative for ourselves? How can we create a narrative that really supports us to embody and be this confident person that is already inside of us? And I think this is a key point, is also to begin with the belief that it is possible for anyone to really cultivate this confidence and to cultivate this, this deep sense of self-worth, which I'll be speaking about in the next section. Alright, so just coming back to how do we begin to create a new narrative? And I feel a good entry point into this is to begin to examine the voices in your head. So part of this narrative is that we have a constant flow of conversation that's happening in our head, and I see this as two different components. So self talk is really the way in which you relate to yourself. It's the way that you basically speak to yourself. And often we can be quite harsh with ourselves, we can be quite nasty with ourselves if we aren't happy with the things that we've done or we put ourselves into a shame storm or we feel guilty, and then we can be quite, quite strict with ourselves. What we want to begin to develop as part of creating that new narrative is also to practice how to speak more compassionately. So to change yourself talk from being very dictatorial and strict into something that's more or into a way that is softer, more gentle and more compassionate. Another aspect of this is our inner critic. So we all have an inner critic, and our inner critic serves the purpose of keeping us on the right road, so to speak. So it serves the purpose of protecting us, of keeping us safe, of moving us forwards towards our goals, but sometimes our inner critic can become toxic. So the practice that I can suggest to you here, if you are someone who struggles in particular with a very toxic inner critic, is the next time that you are in a shame storm, or the next time that that inner critic is really breaking you down, is to become aware of where in your mind or in the space around you, where do you notice this voice of the inner critic? Where is it coming from? Is it coming from inside of you? Is it coming from outside of you? Is it speaking towards you? Is it speaking inside of you? Does it sound like someone you know? Is it your own voice? Is it maybe the voice of a parent? And what this is going to support you to do, because you're now beginning to create that separation between you and it, you are able to start choosing different responses. You are able to start challenging your inner critic. And I think this is such a powerful practice. As you begin to create that distinction, you can now really choose, am I going to believe this? Is this really true? Can I challenge this? Where is the evidence of this in my life that this is always true? And so you can begin to create that new narrative for yourself. The second key is that you don't need external validation. And this is, this  is a really challenging thing to work with for many women. Partly I think because we've been hardwired to get that validation and that proof that we are part of the tribe and that we fit in it's been hardwired into us. It's part of a survival strategy because way back when, if you were thrown out of the tribe, it most likely meant that you would die out, out on the plains, you know, without any protection and without the tribe around you to help you stay safe. And I think it's important for us to check in with the people around us to see whether we are still on track. It's also a way of how we can measure our own success, but it can be paralysing and it is so limiting if we begin to attach our value and our worth on the opinion of other people. If we begin to believe that other people's opinion is the truth about our self worth, and not only other people's opinion, but also the things that other people do, if we measure ourselves against how our friends are doing or how other people in in our industry are doing, when you measure yourself against that, most likely you are going to come short. And this can really affect our sense of self worth. So instead of letting others inform you about who you are and about what you are worth, you want to find the deeply rooted sense of worth in your own being. I want to teach you now about a model that I use. And this is a model that's really designed to get you closer to your own truth, to connect you with your own authentic self. And it's going to give you the reassurance that you need from yourself so that you don't look for that reassurance in the outside world and in your performances and in your external successes. But you really begin to reparent yourself, take care of your inner child, really make her feel safe, your inner girl. And let me take you now through this model that I use. So there are three elements to this, and this is a no particular order. You can really start on any area, but the one feeds into the other. So the first one is devotion. Devotion is where you commit to beginning to change your narrative, to create a narrative that's more supportive to you. Devotion is that you are going to apply yourself to creating new neural pathways, to breaking those habits and the patterns that don't support you anymore. And to really fight for yourself, fight for your own worthiness, and fight for your own wellbeing. Self intimacy is another leg in this pillar. And to me, self intimacy means that you become honest with yourself. There are many things that we lie to ourselves about in an attempt to protect ourselves. Sometimes our inner critic makes us lie to ourselves. And really what self intimacy asks of you is to become really honest with yourself, to be in integrity and to be your word. So self intimacy also means that we begin to really accept all parts of ourselves. You know, whether those are things that you've been told are shameful, things about yourself that you don't really like and that you wish were different. So instead of trying to fix yourself, instead of waiting for something to change before you can begin to love and accept yourself, you really become intimate with all parts of yourself and you hold them with compassion, with tenderness and vulnerability. And this leads to personal liberation, which is the third pillar in my little model. And liberation to me means where we then finally find that freedom within ourselves to be who we are, to show up, to express ourselves, to hold boundaries. It gives you courage and it creates space and openness inside of you. And it really gives you that freedom to move from constantly doubting yourself, constantly second guessing yourself, constantly comparing yourself to others or feeling like an imposter. It moves you away from that and it provides you the space and the freedom and the courage to really be yourself. And it gives you the emotional resilience to bounce back from the challenges that you may have experienced because now you've got these tools where you've created a relationship with yourself. And this brings me to the third key in how you can overcome self doubt. And that is to know yourself and know your triggers. So there's really two very important areas that I see in this, knowing yourself and knowing your triggers. And the first is that as women, we work on a different energy cycle than men. Okay, so what does this mean? By and large, our world runs on a 24 hour, seven days a week, 365 days a year clock. So it is a very linear timeline where we are expected to always be at a constant level of output, a constant level of capacity, availability, and productivity. And as women, our energy cycles, our own natural energy cycles simply don't work like that. We work on average on a, let's call it a 28 day cycle. That's the average that they use. So in this 28 day cycle, you are going to find that your energy builds up, it peaks, and then it starts descending again. And then you'll have no energy. This is really a time of reflection and rest. And then you'll find that your energy starts growing again, and then you peak and then it starts going down again. So this is the natural cycle that we go through and it's directly linked to our menstrual cycle. So if you are a woman who still bleeds and you don't yet track your menstrual cycle, then it's a very good idea to start doing that simply because you will be able to directly correlate your ability to be productive and to, you know, be on form and be very expressive or those times where you feel more turned inward, introspective and withdrawn, you can directly relate that to where you are in your menstrual cycle. So I feel that for you, when you are able to kind of link your own energy and your own capacity to where you are in your cycle, it is so empowering. It's also very empowering, and this, this is what happened to me is when I discovered that my inner critic is not on all the time, but there are certain times when its voice was stronger and louder that had to do with where I was in my cycle. And for me that was a very liberating and empowering realisation because it now, you know, gave me an opportunity to start relating differently to my inner critic. The second part in terms of knowing yourself has to do especially with how sensitive we are to external and internal triggers. So I know that most of you watching this are highly sensitive, like me, highly sensitive woman. Our nervous systems have been designed for whatever reason, they have been designed to be hyper alert and hyperactive. And there's nothing that you can do that's going to change that about your nervous system. And if you are going to be in high, super high alert the whole time, you can imagine the pressure and the stress that it's going to put on you, that it's going to put on your mindset that it's going to put just on your overall attitude, demeanour and how you move in the world. So you want to find a way to work with the fact that you have a highly reactive, overactive and responsive nervous system. And self-knowledge in terms of what your triggers are, are so powerful here. If you know for example, that you don't do well if you don't get enough sleep or you don't have regular meals, or if you are surrounded by too many lights or noise, if you know that this upsets you and gives you an imbalance or it it makes you, you feel on the defensive or it puts you into survival mode, then of course you can begin to set up your life in such a way, start planning and start taking action in a way where those things are taken into account. So you are not going to make big decisions or have those important conversations if you have been affected by those triggers. I know what happens to me is if I don't get enough sleep, then I struggle to make decisions. I disconnect easily from my body and I feel sad about everything. So I get really emotional and I cry at the drop of a hat. And when I'm in such a state, I'm not able to be a good parent or a good wife or a good coach or anything like that because I am not well-resourced and well-nourished so I know what my triggers are and I work with them instead of working against them. And again, this is such an empowering view to have because instead of your triggers being a liability, it's just an aspect of who you are. And if you can embrace that and accept that, it gives you the space and the freedom to start making different choices, to start feeling differently, <laugh> differently about yourself so that you can start showing up differently and really move with more confidence in the world. I've been living these keys in my life and I can see the biggest change in my emotional resilience and how my inner confidence has expanded. And if that is something that you want for yourself, I'm going to leave a link for you in the description below so that you can book a free discovery call with me and we can chat a little bit about where you are and a way forward. And I'd love to know how these three keys to overcoming self-doubt landed for you. I hope that they were helpful. So please let me know your insights and any takeaways that you may have, I'd love to read about them. And that's all that I have for you this week. Thanks so much and I'll see you in the next one. Bye.