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Dreamer's Blueprint
BeBall Jones is a basketball trainer with a basketball podcast. The podcast is about presenting players with the mindset, blueprint and stories to make progress in your game.
With his unique perspective on the game, interviewing people in and around the game to be able to develop your game and see the game a different way.
Dreamer's Blueprint
Coaching While Grieving Lost- LaKaitlin Wright Interview
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When showing up feels impossible, resilience is born from within. Coach LaKaitlin Wright shares how she leads with strength while managing grief, burnout, and self-doubt and keeps moving forward.
Her story of losing her grandmother while managing her new coaching in Division I basketball reveals the secret behind showing up despite the pain. This isn't just about sports; it's about harnessing inner strength to navigate grief, responsibility, and self-discovery.
This episode is perfect for coaches, athletes, leaders, or anyone facing difficult moments who needs a reminder that strength isn't absence of vulnerability, it's rising despite it. Coach Wright's honest conversation is a blueprint for transforming pain into purpose and finding resilience when it feels like everything is falling apart.
She is currently the Director of Basketball Operations at Temple University. Before coaching she played college ball herself.
Progress is the only Goal clothes
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Her grandmother died and she still had to coach. How do you lead when your heart is breaking and you're managing grief? Welcome to Dreamer's Blueprint. I'm a fellow player, turn trainer, here to give you lessons that I wish I had when I was younger. And today's lesson isn't so much about getting better at basketball, it's really about getting through life. How do you show up when life demands more from you than you think that you have? We sit down with Coach Le Caitlin Wright, the director of basketball operations at Temple University, a coach who walked into the gym carrying grief in one hand and responsibility of a team in the other. She lost her grandmother while managing the demands of coaching Division I basketball. So this episode isn't just about basketball. This is about the strength behind the smile and the game behind the game. Whether you're a coach or a player or just someone who's trying to hold everything together, this conversation is for you. Let's get this blueprint from Coach Wright. As a college coach, you got a lot on your plate already. Like it's a crazy life, crazy schedule. How do you deal with everything? Like, I don't know. It just feels like a lot to be a college coach. How do you deal with everything that goes to it?
SPEAKER_03Um, it is a lot. And uh I don't know if you've seen that TikTok's like, how do you deal with it all you don't? Like the answer is you really don't. You just do what you have to do to get through um day to day. Um, I think it's a lot about the community you have around you that can pour into you on the day, so you might not be 100%. And um my head coach now, Diane Richardson, who was my head coach when I was a player, used to always say, just like bring what you bring what you have. So if you have 75%, bring 75%. Um just show up in the best way. So I think that's the biggest thing, is just showing up for the people around you and for yourself.
SPEAKER_00Hmm. So your role is Dobo, which is um definitely not the lowest of the totem pole, because I feel like you kind of got like an ugly job, I guess you can say. Not the best word to use, but it's kind of ugly in terms of everything you gotta do. So, what does like an average day look like for you?
SPEAKER_03Oh, um, so for Dobos, we really don't know. Um it's just really weird crisis management, is what I like to say. Chaos coordinator is what um some people call me. It's anything. So day to day right now, it's just um game planning, ensuring that we have what we need for home games, away games, uh setting up our travel, our hotel housing, that situation. Um, the biggest thing for us right now is like renewing the kids' leases and making sure that their things are ready to start school back, which we did yesterday, um, preparing it for that stuff. And then right now, also you have to lock in for a conference tournament because a lot of the paperwork and like um hotel bids go out now for March. So just a lot of things. You have to have your hand and a lot of different um um things to do, but it is a fun job because you really never know what you're gonna be faced with on the day, but you do get to just have fun and be with your kids, which I feel like is my favorite part of the job. It's like I'm not necessarily stressed by the X's and O's and if we facilitate a play correctly, but it's more like, did you feel out your meal form? Like that's the one I worry about most on a day-to-day. But I love my job, absolutely love it.
SPEAKER_00So, would you stay there or do you want to move up at all?
SPEAKER_03No, I love what I do. I don't really have the desire to um coach. I used to when I was a graduate assistant, but I saw very quickly that that was a lot of stress and pressure. Um, so I really love being able to manage the outside stuff. So everything off the court I really love because it really plays into the student athlete as a whole. It's not just what they do and how they um show up on the court, but like when they're down or when they had a bad day or they failed a test, like usually I'm the person they come to talk about that with. And that's why I love this position that I'm in because I'm in the gap. Like I get to feel the need when they just need to be a student or when they just need to be a kid because they missed home or um just little things like that. I don't have to necessarily be the coach that's telling them to go score. Um, but we are fortunate enough here at Temple to have a staff that does care about them outside of that. But when they just need someone that doesn't have to deal with that, I'm the perfect person.
SPEAKER_00And how long have you been doing it?
SPEAKER_03This is my first year as Adobo. Um, but I was the director of program operations at Memphis um and the recruiting, the assistant recruiting coordinator.
SPEAKER_00So what was the biggest What was the biggest jump from the program coordinator to Adobo now?
SPEAKER_03Not much, I'll say. Um I had a great dopo at Memphis, Naderia Evans, she's now an assistant coach at ETSU. Um, but she really helped me and let me be beside her in a lot of different aspects of the job. So I got to see a lot of it. I would say the biggest thing now is being the point of contact. Every school I was at before now, like it was someone else and then me. You know, as a graduate assistant, you do the dirty work, but like it's not you, your name is not on it. Now, with like if hotels call, they're calling me. If meals fail, they're calling me. Um, so I think that's the biggest jump, but it's something that I was prepared for. So it's exciting.
SPEAKER_00Do you feel like a lot of stress and pressure now? Because you got that role, like it's on you now, versus like, oh, it's on her, and she kind of calling me next.
SPEAKER_03Um, I like it. I'm not gonna say I don't like it. I like being responsible. I think that's the word. I like being responsible for things because then I can make it be whatever I want it to be. Like if I want us to have a schedule that's set like this, I'm the one that has to create it. So I like that. So if it goes wrong, it's on me, but then I can also be intuitive and change it for the future. Like I love that aspect of it all. Um, just being the uh hands and feet of the program outside of our coaching staff. So I think that it's not necessarily pressure, but it's responsibility in a way.
SPEAKER_00I like how you flip that word.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, what's what's the most like demanding piece that you it just takes a lot out of you? Whether it takes a lot of time or like the mental emotional energy, what's the piece that's just like, oh my goodness, I have to chip away at this, and it's a lot.
SPEAKER_03It would have to be the ongoing scheduling. Like you are always scheduling something, even if it's years out. Um, because with our assistant coach, Cheyenne Curly, who does our scheduling, um, you have to work with her to make sure that fits what we already have planned. Or if a girl comes and says, Oh, I have a class and I have to do office hours with my professor and I need to move this, like you're always on, is like we like to say, you're always on, and you always have to be aware of the schedule set, and then how can you have to have a plan A, B, and C in your head for changing anything that might come to you at that day.
SPEAKER_00So you said you didn't want to, like when you was a player, you wanted to become a coach, and then you're like, ah, not the X Love coach.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Were you X and L as a hoop as a hooper too? Or are you just like something totally different?
SPEAKER_03Oh, I was not an accident. I was I, to be very honest with you, and our head coach now laughs all the time. I did not like basketball. I didn't want to play. I my mom was my head coach in high school. They made me play from a kid. Um, I wanted to be a cheerleader. Um, so I didn't really, I won't say I didn't care. I love basketball, but like I didn't, it wasn't like something that made me just want to go and learn different plays or study the game like a you know invested player would have. But I got there before my college years, like I got there. But um, no, I was never an X's O's player. I just did what I was told and whatever my teammates needed me to do. I got you. Like, but it was never something that kept me up at night for sure.
SPEAKER_00So, what was like your thing as a player? Like, I call a superpower. Like, what was the thing that made you special on the court?
SPEAKER_03It would have to be my rebounding, my rebounding, um, and just the physicality that I brought to our teams.
SPEAKER_00Were you ever the go-to player?
SPEAKER_03Um, I don't think so. Not necessarily. I think there were a few games where like if we had a demanding post on another team, like I was called on and it was my responsibility, or if they were undersized as a team, like yes, go. But I was surrounded by so many amazing players in Melo Jeter, who was drafted my senior year. Um, Ryan Holder was, I still feel like she's a defensive All-American. She didn't get what she deserved. Um, Q, um, just amazing players at what I call it, Towson, and then at Mercer as well. Like Kalia Lawrence, who was an all-star, and um, she also was drafted. Sydney Means, who's an assistant at Clemson now. Like, I had an all-star team all four of my years in college. So I was never like that player, but I would say I was like B-roll. I love to, I'm cool being B-roll.
SPEAKER_00So what was your leadership like when you were Hoopin?
SPEAKER_03Um, I think I was more I took on the space of being the outside leader, so off the court. Like I was always active in different facilities and programs. Or I was the one when I was in school in 21, I was the one that was big in the voting, because you know, that was a powerful election during those years. Um, or, you know, community service. I kind of took on that aspect of showing them, like, yes, we're basketball players, but we have so much more that we can tap into, and we only have four years to do so. So I again I had so many amazing people on the court doing what was needed and showing, like going to the gym, getting those extra hours. I was the one they looked at if I, if they wanted to tap into something deeper or they wanted to expand on what their degree was in, like they kind of went to me, and that's how I love to show up for community, and that's why I have a heart for service, and I think that's where my leadership really flourished, if that, if you will.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I'm trying to understand like the connection from player version of you to coach version of you.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00You can't shy away from it. So I just want to see how as a player you led in comparison as a coach. And I see like kind of similar thing. Like uh X and O is not my thing. You come to me for the life stuff and the bigger picture stuff. So were you kind of like the team mom on the team?
SPEAKER_02Yes, I was. I was.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, with you now. I I see who are I got you now. I got a picture of who you are.
SPEAKER_01I got you.
SPEAKER_00So you're the one everybody came to coach going off, and it's like team huddles. You got everybody to get see, I understand now. I got you.
SPEAKER_03Like, even our staff, because I am the person that has the band-aids, the ibuprofen, um, candy, like everything's in my book bag. They pick about how heavy my bags are, but it's like they never have a moment where they don't have what they need. Like I have everything in my bag. So I'm always prepared. So I I take that with a crown because I am the team mom. I'm gonna make sure we have everything we need.
SPEAKER_00See, I got you. I understood. Once I made that die, I was like, okay, I see who she is now. So as a player, what was your biggest challenge trying to figure out your leadership? Because, like you said, you weren't the star player. So is it hard for you to figure out when and how to speak up and when and where to like have your bits and pieces, or was it easy for you?
SPEAKER_03It was definitely very hard for me because I did transfer into Towson. Um, I transferred very late in the summer of my going into my junior year. So I didn't know the team at all. Uh, so I came in probably I moved in in August. So like it was right, I really missed summer. Uh so that was really hard for me because we had some prominent leaders on that team already, but they knew that I was uh a very good player, but I just needed help to figure out where I fit in. So I think that was very difficult for me because I didn't know where to interject and say things or when I had the space to because I was so fresh out. But um it was very, it was my teammates. My teammates were the ones that said, oh, leak, you know what you're saying. Like, you know what you're talking about. Say that. Or if I said something to a post, she was like, No, you need to say that to everyone. It really was my teammates that pushed that out of me and um made me comfortable in speaking and hearing my own voice and and demanding things on the court. Um, I would definitely give credit to my teammates.
SPEAKER_00So was it easy when you became a coach to step into it and do it naturally? Or did you have to like relearn it at that level too?
SPEAKER_03No, I think it was very it was easy for me when I was a coach because I felt more entitled to or inclined is the word. I felt more inclined because I felt like I was doing it on behalf of my babies. That's what my players are, my babies. So I felt like I was doing it on behalf of them. So if somebody's stepping to them wrong or somebody's doing something with their transcripts or something's just not working in their favor, it's the like mama bear, I guess, um, that comes out of me. And I want them to be their best. So I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to make sure they get what they need. So it's easier for me to speak up now because I'm doing it on behalf of us. And I think as a player, also when I realize like I'm what I'm doing is benefiting the whole, the group, um, it was easier for me then.
SPEAKER_00So what have you learned about yourself? Because I feel like when you start going through this new process, it's like you think you know yourself, and you step into this new role, and it's like, oh snap, I I need to work on this, and then oh, I didn't know I could do that. Or something that you learn about yourself throughout mainly this year.
SPEAKER_03It's okay to be firm, um, but it's never okay to be unkind. Um, because I used to hang my head on being nice, and I've worked on these past two years just not unlearning being nice, but the switching the word from nice to kind. Like because nice you just want to be favorable to people. Like you want people to like you. And sometimes people aren't gonna like me for what I say because I have to stand and I have to be the one that maybe, you know, doesn't go with what the majority wants, but it's because I might know more insight about something that they might not know. You know, our players, you don't know the the stuff that goes behind the scenes. So I might have to say no to something you really want. Um, but I think it's just learning that, you know, it's okay for me to not be liked in those situations. And if I'm doing what is most important and what's gonna benefit you in the long run, it's okay. Like I can do that. I think that's really what I've learned about myself. Like, I don't, I don't have to be the one that's liked all the time in this role because you're really like as adobo. Like some of the decisions you make, people just don't like it because they don't understand. But I think that's the biggest lesson I've learned. Like, I don't have to be loved or liked.
SPEAKER_00What's the moment that sticks out to you as being like, this really is a moment where you grew from it, or even if you messed up and it's like, all right, I gotta relearn this lesson again?
SPEAKER_03Um, I feel like it would have to be our Bahamas trip this year, which was really big for me. It was my first international trip at Adobo. Um, and it was a lot of things in the airport that obviously I've traveled with bigger parties out of the country, but I was never the point of contact again. So when we get there, I have 32 people that I have to get through an airport, and I have to be the one you may be raising my voice sometimes, like, hey, we need to move this way, like things like that. And I think it really I had to take a moment once we got everyone through, like, you did it. Like, good job. Like, I have to praise myself in that moment because I realized that this is something that I I can do. Because again, this is my first year. That was my first international trip, and I didn't want people to see me, you know, fearful, but I was very fearful. Because we have some international kids, you know, that can get a little crazy. Um, but I think that was the moment where I was like, you might be all right. Like, you might be all right. So that was that moment for me.
SPEAKER_00Are you more um introverted?
SPEAKER_03Yes. You wouldn't be able to tell, like, because I am obviously for your job, you have to be able to interact with people that you meet. But once um once you get me, like just every day, I'm very just me, myself, and I like just chilling.
SPEAKER_00Okay, mini soapbox moment, because I get like annoyed social media with this, people um confuse what introvert and extroverted actually really means. And so people think, oh, introvert means you're shy and you're timid and you're quiet and stuff. And that can be true, but it's not like the full truth. And people think extroverted all day just loud, all this definitely is out there. But it's really like your nature, basically how you recharge your batteries. So after a long day, you've been stressed out. Do you like to go home and chill? Like y'all say, rub your feet together and watch a show, read a book, you know, do y'all thing? Or you want to talk to your girlfriend on the phone or man go out and get a drink, whatever it is. That's kind of what pins you to being introvert or extrovert.
SPEAKER_03Mm-hmm. When I get home from work, I'm taking a shower and I'm in the bed. I am not one to call. I am not when I need my space and my time. Because we give out so much throughout the day as Adobo, as a coach, just in coaching in general. Um, I am not the one to go. I don't need a drink. I don't need I need to be in my bed. And that's where I'll be, that's where you will find me every day.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's fine, man. Because, like you said, in that role, you probably get confused and think, oh, she just outdoors and she just everybody loves her and you just want to be around. But then I'm off hours now, man. Y'all finna hit that do not disturb, and y'all can catch me back in the off business next morning.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00How have you kind of managed that with being an introvert? Because you your job requires a lot of you. The players are going to the band a lot of you, your coach is going to require a lot of you. How have you managed being an introvert, time to yourself, being kind, and being firm, like you were said, but still like managing all that stuff together?
SPEAKER_03I think it's still an ongoing thing for me figuring it out. Because some days I will be honest, I come home and I'm just depleted. I have nothing to give myself. I have nothing to give anyone else. But throughout the months, I've learned like I have to take like off days. Um, normally when I first got the job, like I was in the office from nine to five on off days just because I was like, you know, I want to be a great double, and I still do, but I realize to be a great double, I have to make time for myself. So going to get things done that I might not have time for on a day-to-based day-to-day basis, I do today. Or um maybe the biggest thing for me is like obviously we're we're needed every second, but when I can tell someone, like, give me five seconds to go and I'll just like hide away in my office for a second, get myself together, then come back out. I just want to be my best for them in the moment. And sometimes that means I need to take a second before that, before I answer that question, before I answer the call, um, to get myself together and realize like I'm okay and regulate myself, and then I can be my best for them. I think it's just really taking a step back a lot of times and just getting myself together because I know that's what it takes for me to be my best.
SPEAKER_00It would win up for anybody. Like you just went to 10 and just like told somebody something?
SPEAKER_03Last night, I'm gonna be honest. Me and them girls in that training room because we unfortunately lost to Tulane last night. It was not a great game. Um, so TT had to tell them. Because I feel like I can really relate to them because our head coach now was my head coach. And I'm I graduated in 21, so I'm not that far removed from how she was. Um, so yeah. Just a little bit, not much, not much.
SPEAKER_00How they take it?
SPEAKER_03Well, because they know that I don't ever get like that. And it wasn't bad. I'm never one to like, you know, blow up. But it's just a moment of transparency and honesty to what I was seeing. Um, and I think they take that well because they know my policy is honesty. Like, just be honest. I don't care what's going on, just tell me what's going on. So they know when I have to tell them something hard, they take it really well.
SPEAKER_00So, how how's this season been overall for you? Like just taking a new role, taking a new school, everything's going on with it.
SPEAKER_03Honesty has been a blessing, and that's really the biggest word that I have for it because I'm working with people that used to be my coaches. Um, and you know, in that situation, it could be my friend, like I say, people try to little girl sometimes in situations like that, where you go from being a player under someone and you're working with them now, they don't see you as the coworker, they still see you as a player, but I'm blessed to be in an environment where they respect me. And what I say is like what I say, and they they work with me and they help me figure out stuff. And even in the moments where I do kind of cowered, cower in and don't know what I'm talking about, or I'm confused, like they help me. It's not like a belittling thing. It's I'm really surrounded by people that care about me. Um, so I just I think this year is a blessing, especially in this operational role where so many things are required of you to be surrounded by people that care about the person first and then the job is just a blessing to me.
SPEAKER_00So like you said, you kind of have a balancing act of dealing with you, dealing with the job, dealing with the girls, coaching, everything. How do you kind of uh like when you do take time to mentally reset and recharge, what does that look like? What is a day off to kind of refeed yourself and you know, replenish yourself? What does that look like? What are you trying to do? Like what's the goal? What kind of that look like for you?
SPEAKER_03Um for me it's really resetting. So washing my clothes for the like that have been piled up from road trips or, you know, cleaning up my apartment. Um really maybe going on a walk. Just things like that that maybe I go to um I have a library across the sh like near my house. So like I'll go there and sit for a little bit or I just drive around. Just things that don't require a lot from me. And I can just really enjoy the moment. I might go walk around a store not buying anything just something that doesn't require anything of me. That's usually what those reset days look like or just literally sitting just scrolling, doom scrolling. I know that's something you know people don't like to do but sometimes I don't have to think if I don't have to think about it and I'm just looking, I'm just viewing, I'm liking whatever I like, that's really just calming for me and I don't I'm not required to do anything in those moments. That's really what helps me reset and pours into myself so I'm able to give you talking about your community um having people around you what has your your coach done for you she's done everything. She has truly changed my life and I I take that I don't take that lightly at all. Coming out of Mercer I was I didn't like basketball anymore. I didn't really want to play um and I have to credit Zach Cantor who was the recruiting coordinator at the time at South who called me and said like I need you um and I'm just like I don't know and he got me up there but Coach Rich really stealed the deal and she told me on my visit like I have you for life. If you commit to me I'm committed to you and that is the promise she's kept to this day. No matter where I've been when I was doing my graduate assistant ship she's the one that put me in contact with Coach Butler who's not Louisville. She was the one that my two years at Memphis she was always in my ear encouraging me. She was always telling me like whatever you need I got you um and she doesn't say that to just say it like she means it um every final four she was the first person that would hug me as soon as she saw me like she really cares about you like a daughter and I mean for her to give me this job, you know, I've never been adobo anywhere else. So for her to trust me to be adobo at a D1 program for her in a year that's very monumental for her. Like you know she's wanting to win a championship this year and to allow me to be in this role fresh out is something that she didn't have to do. So she truly encourages me every day. She pours into me every day and um I call her my grandma like I call her my grandma but she is like that woman that loves you no matter what she's gonna tell you how it is but she's gonna love on you and she's gonna make sure you know how important you are how worthy you are and how much you can accomplish she's gonna push you to do that. She's not gonna let you be mediocre and I appreciate that about her.
SPEAKER_00What happened at Mercer?
SPEAKER_03It was just a lot I think it was more I wasn't ready to be pushed the way that they were pushing me. And I really I take it um I take accountability for that like I don't feel like I was mature enough um at Mercer and I think in hindsight I see that a lot of the stuff that was happening was just coaching and I needed to be ready for that and I wasn't um made some crazy decisions um but now me and that head coach are like this um someone that I can call now and I appreciate her because I realized being on the other side how hard it is to be a coach um especially one that had won at the amount she had like she had weight on her shoulder she wanted to be great and people expected her to be great. So I can appreciate her now that I'm outside of the game on the other side um but it was really me being dumb me not making the best decisions um but yeah Mercer was I love Mercer now like I do I do and I am very appreciative of everything that happened in my two years there so not too long ago you had a life alternate event you know um in your grandmother passing how did you first how did that kind of like hit you like how did you receive the news like of knowing that happened and how'd you take it? Um it was rough but in college I majored in gerontology which is the study of aging um so we go through the death cycle and uh grieving and all that stuff so I knew about it um I knew about it fairly well I got the call when I was at my my friend Danielle she coaches at Michigan now she was actually recruiting in the area so I went and sat in an open gym with her and I got the call while I was there and I didn't like overly react. I just it was my mom on the phone you know obviously it's her mother it's a big deal um but I had to stay calm in the moment you know you don't want to freak anybody out I'm 13 hours away from home I don't want her worried about me um so it was just like okay I understand like what do you need from me? Do you need me to fly home now? You know things like that. But when I got home and realized the gravity of what happened you know you get the tears you get you know the I wish I would've I wish I would have gone home a little more I wish I would have called but then you know you have the wave of like my grandmother was I think 89 88 she had a life well lived like she loved the Lord people loved her and she served with everything she had in her to her last day she was still in service like though she was bedridden she was calling people she was uh she has a heart of service and I think the mind shift now has become I want to be regarded as people regarded her and it's not because of like what comes with that it's just because I know how impactful she was on my life just as a as a grandchild. But the people that she touched like still I still get texts and calls to this day like your grandmother was such a nice person. We miss her like not because she just had a pretty dress on but because she was hands and feet on the ground for people. So I think that's really how it's impacting me now. Yes I went through the the really tough you know fighting with God and you know things like that. Like why did this happen? Why did you do this? And I went through that but I realized like I think I need a renewed spirit of service. I needed that and I know even in my grandmother's last days that's what she wanted in this life was for us to live for other people. And like I said at the beginning like your journey is not yours. So what I'm doing and what I'm going through is not for me. It's not it's not what I have to experience. Yes I have to go through it but it's because a little girl somewhere is looking at me do this. It's because somebody that I touch has to gonna is going to have the power and the ability to go and give to someone else. And that's gonna go tenfold down the road for someone that I may never see or never touch or never even get to hug or anything. But because I made it a conscious decision to be of service and to give is why I feel like her death and in her life was just so impactful to me and it will be impactful to others with who may never know of who she was. So that's how that's impacted me in this moment.
SPEAKER_00Yeah and the closest thing I felt to it would be like um something you know is missing but not knowing where it is and so um 24 yeah yeah 24 and having like he's like my mentor my OG like my second dad all this stuff man he was battling with cancer and he passed and so to this day still it's not I have pockets where I feel sad but it's pockets where I'm just like oh I can't wait to text him about and I can't oh I'm gonna call him and I can't that's the what it feels like for me. And you forget sometimes I'm thinking like oh I see something from him like I can't wait to see what he okay you can't and I think that's the closest thing of like it's just like something's missing but you can't put your finger on it at times. It's close where I would define it. And the weird part about it it never fully goes away it kind of just evolves and takes a new form. And so now I was like the moments of sadness I had it but then my mind always goes like to the family because their family and my family was like this.
unknownMm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00And so whatever I feel it's like like this compared to what they feel because that's her husband that's their dad and granddad and somebody's uncle and cousin have you even kind of thought about what grief is and how you kind of think about it in your own way yeah I think I this is just side note my goal is to one day own a funeral home.
SPEAKER_03So I'm I'm very intrigued with this process that's why I wanted my degree in it um it's really something that intrigues me. But one of my favorite definitions of grief is just love but no place to go. So I think like it's love you once gave but now you don't have a place to give it um but I love that definition because you can now reroute your love in honor of someone. So I think that's where grief is for me because you have to go through the five stages like you don't believe it, you're angry, you know you got to try to come to terms with it. It's a lot of different things that go into grief but I really hang my hat on the fact that I have love that I I gave my grandmother while she was here and again I now have to give that love to someone else in her honor. I'm doing this because my grandmother would have done this. I'm doing this because the love I gave to her is still in me. Like I haven't changed other than losing such a significant person in my life I still have to I have a job to do and not just being adobo not just being on the staff but I have a job to do as her granddaughter you have a job to do as his mentee as his his little little friend whatever you want to call it you have a job to do to inspire the next generation you have a job to do to do what he did for you for other people um and I think that's the highest way to regard someone post-life is to be that person in another form. Just be them how what they were for you you have to be for other people because it was so significant for us. So I think grief has a crazy way of rewiring the way we think um and I think that's why I'm so intrigued by it because you can truly like grief can change your life in a good way or a bad way and you just have to find a way to lean into whatever side you want to because I'm not I'm definitely not the one to look down on people who let grief affect them negatively because sometimes it's something you just can't get over and it's it's okay. Like you have to be okay with sitting in those spaces where you're just not okay. But then you can also find a way and if you can't lean into the fact that you have an opportunity like death you know I love the saying of like energy never dies. So like just because the person the like the Bible says the the flesh leaves this earth we still have a soul that we love. We still have a heart that we nurtured and we cared for that we can go and do for other people. So I think that's what the side of grief that I like to lean into.
SPEAKER_00Walk me through how you kind of went through the stages of grief because I think it's one thing to I say like understand it here but then understand it here is two different things. And so a lot of times I can like rationalize things and logically break stuff down and I'm like oh it makes sense I understand it but then they go through him passing it's like oh I I get it here of what people talk about now. So how'd you kind of balance both parts because like you studied this and you understand and you knew it so how'd you balance both sides of it um I think it was me really taking the time to accept it.
SPEAKER_03I think that was the biggest thing for me because again in my role I had to still show up I still had a job to do um but it was the fact that I was going on with life as if it didn't happen. Like I was just especially with me being in Philadelphia I'm a Georgia girl so I'm 13 hours away from home so my life wasn't necessarily impacted significantly here in Philadelphia. So I just lived as as needed. And then when I flew home I think that's where it really hit me you know walking by her room and she's not in there. I can't stop in and bother her. Like I can't stop in and throw a pillow at like you know stuff like that. Like I couldn't do that. And I think that's where it hit me and I, you know I took the moment I just sat in her room and I you know you cry your tears you you yell you scream but then I realized again like so much of me is her so much of me is her and I am not obviously I am not me without her but she is always in me. So we have not separated and I always say that like I have her picture that's right up here. That's what I keep looking at but like I am not me without her but she is always in me. So we are we are one together. Like we are doing whatever we're doing together I still think about her and in everything that I do. When I give people a special long hug that was me and her thing. Like it was an extra tight little squeeze at the end. Like that's how I hug people now for sure. Like I don't even do there's no side hugs no I'm gonna full hug you every time I hug a person because I'm intentional about it. Like I think I've had to accept that yes she is absent from this side and I know that she is in the perfect care now. But life is different in a positive way. Like I have to tell myself I have to actively tell myself in a positive way because I still have the days where grief just consumes me. I want to say like a month after it happened I was just in my office they were practicing our my assistant Dobo Shelby came in and I was just in full blown tears. She caught me in a moment and she just you know closed the door she talked me through it like she really was like you're okay and just you're gonna still have those days and I had to accept that within myself and that's the the the mind part like I know I'm gonna have those days. Like I know grief is a journey it's never you're never gonna get to a stopping point like you said like you're always going to grieve that person. But I had to be okay with okay today is a new day and I have to be able to wake up and do what I need to do. And if I'm able to do it I'm gonna do it. So you have to ask yourself that question in the morning like can I do it today? Can I try to push through? And most of the time the answer is going to be yes and you got to do it because you owe that to them. That's what I always tell myself like she worked so hard for me. She worked so hard for my mother, my family she was the matriarch of our family. Like she did so much for us when she didn't have it to do and still did it I owe it to her to do what I'm supposed to do. I owe it to her to love on people extra because she didn't have to she's the one she's the person that made my life the way it is now I wouldn't know love the way that I know it now if it wasn't for her. So I owe it to her to love people out loud is what I like to say.
SPEAKER_00How do you deal with the like the wrestle with God basically because outside looking in people of faith you know follows of Christ is like oh you should be good because oh they went on with him and stuff and it like that sounds so simple it's like oh yes it's great that he's gone on and he's on the other side or you know your grandma's on the other side now. But you still deal with the human side of like that's still my homie like that was my grandma like so how'd you kind of battle with the questioning with him because sometimes sometimes we're talking oh you don't question you just let it be or the little cliches they say and stuff um how'd you wrestle with that because for me it took a minute to like understand I don't even know it's like understand how and why because for me he was dealing with cancer and so he dialed up went through it he beat it and we like okay he's on the other side of it now okay we're good we chilling like it's just you know building himself back up afterward and then came back a second time and we were like and or at least I was like uh he beat it one time hey man it's him that's superman right here he's coming back so we good and then uh my sister told me he was gone I'm like timeout hold on wait what him superman out here relax and it's just like thinking about all the stuff we talked about and stuff we had plans we had moving forward and stuff we felt he was called to do and it's like that don't add up to me.
SPEAKER_03How is he supposed to be doing all these other things when he can't do it now so how'd you kind of wrestle with yourself of like the nuances of questioning and asking him why and how and still find like your peace within it too I think for me it's it's still sometimes a constant battle because I struggle with the question of why. Um and I like again we know the don't question God and and I'm not necessarily a firm believer of that because I feel like God gave me intuition for a reason and he opened that friendship between him and I to let me ask those questions. But I've come to terms where I will never know why. Like I will I really will never know why he took my grandmother but I knew that there was a reason. I have to take you know root and there was a reason and I I believe that he's an all-knowing guy so I trust that his reason was worth losing my grandmother like I have to trust that he knew what he was doing. And I think I still battle with just the timing of it I think because I really wish I would have had like one more moment. And I think everybody battles with that one more moment. But I realized that I like to say the why was because she was in pain. Like she was not I won't say she wasn't happy because she was always a joyous person. She had the joy of the Lord that no pain could take away but she was hurting over here and I have to accept that if I want my grandmother to be truly happy it may have required her to go to the other side. It may have required her to be absent from me now. But I have to have the faith and believe that one day if I live right I will because I know she did um I will see her again. But I think that's where my battle with God is because it's it's not necessarily for me it is a battle with God but it's also a battle with myself it's me having to realize like do I trust what I believe? Do I trust that God is going to do what he said he's gonna do and it took I have one of my best friends Kyra Borders she reminded me like God has never made a decision that hasn't benefited you. And whether that was something that directly hit you or something that happened to someone else that you ended up benefiting from no decision that God has made has ever been void, has hurt no I won't say hurt you because it sometimes it hurts but it's never been something that was truly detrimental to your journey because he knew what you were going to do and he knew what you had to go through. Are you going to trust the same God that's done everything to get you here. And I had to I had to you know sit with that because she hit me hard it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like hold on I had to hang up I said all right but I had to realize like I I have to trust God on this because there's no other way I'm gonna get through this my granny was my best friend. My nana Kate was everything to me. So I had to trust God in that and I had to really go internal and say do I have the faith that I like you said social media do I have the faith that I be putting on my socials? Do I have the faith that I can tell somebody else About. Like, do I really believe that, or am I being a hypocrite? Say everybody. And I think that's what this grieving process has opened up for me because she was also my last living grandparent. So, like, I was so mad. I didn't get, she didn't get to see grant, like great grants from me. She didn't get to see me get married. She didn't get to see me have like she didn't get that. Um, but I had to realize, like, am I gonna believe God? It's it's a like thing. Are you going to be who you say you are? Are you gonna trust the man that you've given your life to? And are you going to truly walk through this journey with him hand in hand? Because I don't know another way to do it. And I had to say yes. And I think I'm still on that journey. But I think it really took me having to have the faith that, you know, they talk about in the Bible, having the faith. Um, and I don't think there was ever really a moment before that that, you know, you always question your faith, but there was never a moment where I really had to sit down myself and make that definitive decision that yes, whatever comes with this, and however I feel, like I I trust God in this moment. Um, so I think that's what it was for me of just I had to battle with myself and just trust that he is the God that I said I was that I say he is.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. That's the key piece of faith. Because a lot of times it's you don't know and you don't understand. And I ain't trying to go too deep. But you know, it's like uh we're called his sheep. And if you start reading like details within the Bible, he's very surgical with what he says and what he does. And it's always funny to me, bro. But sheep are the dumbest animals, period.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00And we're called the sheep.
SPEAKER_01We are like for real.
SPEAKER_00And the thing about sheep, they're just so misguided and easily be led astray. But because he's a good shepherd, he always carries us. And so we're called sheep because we don't know, we don't understand. But because he is the shepherd, the good shepherd, we have to have within, like, even though we are the most powerful creatures on earth, we're still dumb and don't know anything. And so we have to balance that ego of like we know a little something, but not nothing compared to him. And so, how do you balance what we do know with what we don't even know that he knows? And that's where faith comes in. That's the gap for me. And so managing all of the stuff that we do know, and like you've studied this, so you understand to some extent, and you can read and study scripture and the word, you can be in the church every Sunday, do the X, Y, and Z, whatever, it really don't matter at that point because you have to have faith. And faith is the unknown, faith is the substance hold for everything's not seen. So it's like a whole bunch of unknown that you have to battle with and deal with, and because of that, that's where like um we I'll answer we I deal with this part of like I know a lot, but then it's like it don't make sense to me, so I kind of lean away from certain stuff. Like in just scripture or faith is like life, like I don't make sense to me, so I lean into my own understanding, and it's like I can't do that all the time. And uh not to get too deep again, but in today's time, everybody trying to be so independent and so like I got myself and I don't need this and I ain't gotta worry about that. And sometimes you have to be dumb and just be like um surf under something and someone, and that comes with the good and the bad, which you like and don't like. And so if you really want to be a person of faith, that means I don't agree, I don't understand, I don't like it, but I'm still finna show up and do X, Y, and Z anyway. And that's the part where I'm just like, bruh, can we like have some level of negotiation with this, bruh? Because I don't know about all this, man.
SPEAKER_03So No, I completely agree. I feel the word says, I can't remember the exact scripture, but it's like be um basically do whatever your master says on earth. Um, so whoever your master is on earth, do what they say. And you know, that is the equivalent of like a boss or a supervisor, um, in our terms. And even though, you know, sometimes you don't agree. You just don't, we won't agree with everything our boss or supervisor says, but in order to honor God, we must honor the people that He's put in front of us for the moment. We have to honor him by being a vessel. Because you never, and I think this is what gives me so much solace in crisis that yes, I get very irritated that I don't know. I wish I knew everything he knew, and then at the same time, I really don't. Because when you think about it in the macro, you, me, billions of people go through the same problems we do, and he cares for them individually. Like, I don't want to know. I'm an apartment. I don't want to know what the baby upstairs gotta go through. I don't want to know their life. I don't want to know the building's over. I don't want to know, but he knows. He truly cares for everybody. He knows the number of hairs on their heads, and I don't even know the baby's names. So I'm grateful for a God that is willing to let me go through some stuff and be a vessel in the moments where I don't want to be. And he's willing to take my ignorance, he's willing to take my defiance and still love me. You know? And sometimes the unknowingness is what gets us in trouble because we seek out information that's not for us to know. Like we seek out things and try to find justifications for things that just I'm going place to place. But I truly think he gave us ignorance for a reason. Like sometimes we can't, like, if we knew everything, we wouldn't be able to take that. We can barely I mean, we're talking about grief. We can barely take grieving a person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like we can barely take, you know, losing a job. We can barely take that stuff. So imagine having the weight of billions of people and you gotta care for them. Like they're your babies. Every decision they make, you have to be the one responsible for them. So I don't want that. But sometimes I do. I sometimes I sit there and say, I wanna, I I know what I can do, I know what I'm doing. God just let me. No. Because I never know. I I don't know where I would be if I didn't just trust God. I don't know where I would be if I didn't, because I'm telling you, Towson was a God thing. It was the end of, I left Mercer the end of July. You know, like you don't get like a D1 offer at that time. You know, you don't, I didn't really play my freshman and sophomore year because I had, again, stacked teams. I ended up playing the last few games when we were in the NCAA tournaments. That's where I played. I did really great in those games, and that's what Zach saw. So, like, if it wasn't God that pulled me, you know, put God told my coach to put me in those games, and that's the film that got me recruited. Like, you just you never know how intentional God is until you sit back and say, like, I just trust what you do. If it wasn't for me going to that school, I wouldn't have the job I have now. If I didn't make the decision to go to Mercer in high school out of high school and just went a whole different direction, if I would have taken the big D1 offers that I had, I wouldn't be where I'm at now and I wouldn't be able to affect the lives that I affect now. And I think that's where I thank God for that. I thank God that He allows me to be in a space where I can say, you know what, I don't know. Because it also takes the pressure off of you. Like, my life is not my responsibility. Like, hey, if God told me to do it, I'm gonna do it, ain't on me. Like, I'm sorry. Take it up with him. That's what I was taking up with God. I don't know. But I think that's where I find solace, like some stuff I'm not supposed to know, but what I'm gonna do is what God tells me to do. And that's all I got for, you know, that's all I got for you. Um, but yeah, I think that's where I find my balance in between the knowing and unknowing.
SPEAKER_00So did you ever go to therapy or anything for it?
SPEAKER_03Yes. I am a huge believer in therapy. I haven't yet gone for my grandmother's that grief process, but when I was in school, yes, I was always in and out of therapy.
SPEAKER_00So, how have you been kind of managing yourself without that?
SPEAKER_03Um, really just utilizing what I had in those therapy sessions. Um, remembering that I have to take my thoughts captive. Like, I am responsible for what comes out of my mouth. I'm responsible for what I think. Um, and I have to validate those. One of the most important things I think I learned in therapy was my sophomore year, and my therapist told me that every thought I have, I have to like remember it. And I know that sounds crazy, but like you have to take it and then you have to validate it. So if I can't find the truth in the statement that I said, it makes no sense for me to believe it. So if I'm saying like I'm the worst person in the world, I can't do anything right. I just passed the test, I just walked myself to class, I found a way to get on therapy session. Those are three things that I did pretty well. So obviously, that's not a true statement. Gotta go. Can't believe that. You know, things like that. And that's really carried me through my journey of like, I can't sit in things that just aren't true. Like, if I can't validate that thought, why am I paying attention to it? Because it makes you feel stupid, like it truly does. When you really have to sit there and validate stuff, or you're when you're searching for things to be wrong with you, it's just like, girl, what you doing? Like, oh, I feel so ugly today, this and this. What are you doing? Like, it really made me align myself with what's true. Like, I had to really find the things that were true, and you have to seek after the things that are going to give you peace and situations, or just the things that make your thoughts correct. Um, so I'm very thankful for that therapist at the time because that's something I've carried up until now.
SPEAKER_00We talk about players having to show up no matter what. It's like, oh, we don't care about your boyfriend breaking up with you, or this happened with the car. It's all cute. Once you've touched the court or once you cross these lines, whatever, show up, do what you gotta do. How did you because now you have to live it in this way, and this is a heavy thing. So how did you kind of did you say to yourself, all right, I still have to show up? How did you still show up and be present and do your thing with navigating the grief and with the past and everything going on?
SPEAKER_03I think at first it was a facade. Like I I really wasn't showing my feelings, and I think people around me could feel. Like I wasn't myself for a good two months. Like I just wasn't myself. I was doing my job, but it was you could have put anybody in my role. It just wasn't me. Um, but I think now it's realizing that I have the opportunity to showcase the heart of my grandmother and what I do. And I had to link that to who I am now. Um, so I think again, I didn't have to tell myself, you got a job to do. You gotta go and do it. Yeah, the basketball does not care about who passed away, the basketball does not care about who was born. It just the game's gonna go on. Um, like they say, the ball's gonna keep rolling. Um, and I had to realize that I have an opportunity to be a part of something that is bigger than myself. And even though this is happening to me, I have 13 girls that I have to face every day that have their own problems that are gonna come back at me. I have, you know, a staff of 11 people that are gonna need me and I have to be there for them. Um, and that's an opportunity. That is not something that I have to have. Um, so I think it was that. It was just reminding myself that I have the opportunity to do this. Um, and that really kept me going every day and keeps me going.
SPEAKER_00Where does this strength come from? 'Cause like you you I don't say that you just brush it off because like you said, you had the pockets of grief, you had the moments of crying, you have, you know, the waves that come and go. But where does this strength come from? Because I know sometimes people will put on the front and people will put on the armor and make it seem like nothing's bothering them. But I'm learning it's something I deal with. It's like that vulnerability is still strength too. So how do you kind of find that balance of I need to cry? But I'm gonna let y'all know I'm finna show up, give me grace as I come here 20%. You know, feel me? It's like how do you how do you find this strength to move through and navigate and do everything?
SPEAKER_03My mom is my rock. I will say that my mom is my bestie. But between her and my grandmother, uh, we were the trio. Uh so I think a lot of my strength is rooted in hers. The fact that, because I don't, I'm telling you, I got strength with my granny, with my mama, I don't know how it's gonna go. But she, to see her be able to continue to show up. Um, because I have a special needs uncle who stays with my mother and my father now. And to not see my mother's service to him, to my father, to anyone around her waver in the loss of someone so significant, it made me be, it made me have to be strong. You know, it made, she was the example of strength for me. And she's always been that in my life. And even now, because like we've experienced loss on our staff this year, um, in terms of their families, and to see them still show up for me, them still show up for our girls. Like I've had amazing examples of strength. Um, and then just God. Like I know that when I don't have it, there's something that's gonna come up, and it's not me. You know what I'm saying? Like, there is a part of him that he's gonna step in when I need him too, and I have to trust that. And I think that's really where my strength comes from, is just knowing that if I don't have it, God has it always. And if I need an example, I got my mom, I got Coach Rich. I got women that are around me that show me what strong women and getting through hard things look like. So, and that appreciate vulnerability, because I'm not saying that my mother didn't cry. I'm not saying that my mother didn't have moments. I'm not saying that Coach Rich hasn't had moments, but they showed me what it looks like to be vulnerable and still be very strong. Um, so I I appreciate them and I hope to emulate them by what I do every day.
SPEAKER_00Is this like the first loss that you had that was kind of close to you?
SPEAKER_03Um, I think relationship-wise, yes. Like I lost my grandparents before this, but we weren't as close. Like I loved them dearly, but I wasn't like me and my granny, I'm telling you, like this from we were playing Candyland. I don't know if you remember that game, Candyland when I was a little kid, to me and her on FaceTime every other day, up until, you know, when she wasn't functioning well. Um, so I think, yeah, this is one of the most significant losses I've ever had.
SPEAKER_00I asked that because uh my OG, he was the close thing I've had to. Like I've had aunts and uncles pass, but it's like you said, nothing really close to the chest. And still thinking through, like, dang, what does that look like when it does hit closer? And like you say, you now you have images to look at. Seeing how his family's been moving has been like, oh snap, y'all are some gangsters for real. Like y'all cold, because I see because once again, we family for real, so you know, his son's like my big bro. And so we're talking all the time, bruh. And it's like, bruh, he really gone, bro. We joking, like they joke and laugh about this stuff for real. Like, it's so funny, man. And so seeing how they've maneuvered through everything and seeing how they've how they talk about it, how he talked to me about it, how they've wiggled around, they're making jokes and stuff, like at the uh repass, like we joking and laughing and stuff, and it's like, bruh, yeah, jokes about anything, man. And then it's beautiful. And some people will see that and be like, how? But because I know them and like that makes sense. And he would want that for them too. Like, bro, don't be up there, we all crying for, bruh. Like, he'll make a joke about himself if he could about them crying. And so now it's beautiful because I have that thing to hold on to and see that. So when it does hit close, I'm like, I remember what that looked like. So how can I best memory that for myself?
SPEAKER_01For sure.
SPEAKER_00So I think it's great that you do have your mom to look at and say, Oh, she a gangster. Like she walked through this thing and she cried when she needed to, but when she oh, she done crying, all right, my tissue go back to war and and do what the world has to have for me. So I think it's beautiful that you have that. Um what did you learn from coach? What did she kind of show you and emulate for you, especially in this moment, and what did she kind of do for you?
SPEAKER_03Um, so she was my coach for my junior and senior year, and I think I want to take she to her Achilles lines lines of junior year. So just little things that I've seen throughout her. Like we my yeah, junior year was the year that COVID shut down everything, so we didn't get a player tournament game. And that's like I mean, obviously I was devastated as a player, but imagine like you have put your whole entire existence, like we were like basically supposed to be the tournament team, we're supposed to win, like that was supposed to be our year. Um, so seeing her go through that and be able to, you know, be there for us in the moment. Um or like she lost someone that was very important to her this year, and to see how she just like took a couple days and showed up for her like nothing happened, and then chooses to live her life in a way that honors that person. Um she's just really been the epitome of just go through with it. Like you can't, you have to see it through. I would say that better. Like seeing it through as being her example is just she gives so much to us. Um, and she, I'm telling you, if you ever get a moment to talk to her, please do. Her story is amazing. Um, she's given so much to the game of basketball and just to her players. Um, and knowing now being on the operational side, she doesn't get a lot back. She really truly doesn't. She doesn't get a lot of the half of the things that she's given to us, she doesn't get back. But you would never know that if you met her. She gives flowers to everyone she can. She's a mentor to so many. She's a mother to so many, not only her kids, but just us. Um she operates in a familial thing. Like our staff now, I want to say three of us were her players. The other ones, they've been on her staff for at least five to six years. Like, she it is a fan, she's only been a head coach, but maybe seven, eight years. Like, it's not been a long time. Like, it's a family unit here. And for her to treat us like that and then be able to operate for others and going through all of the things she's had to to defeat, I like to say, because she takes stuff and she's gonna defeat whatever's in front of her if needed. Um, and for her to do that in the way that she does is just is something that I can't even put into words, to be honest. And I love to talk. So to for me not to be able to put something into words is you can only imagine. How did she kind of uh what was her role in the agreeing process Reminded me who I was. Like I I remember because the day it happened, I didn't really tell anyone because obviously I'm not one of those people to let my feelings be out, you know, out loud to be outrageous. Um but I posted it. Yeah. I posted it on Instagram. Um, and then obviously the staff called me and they gave me flowers and a card. And I remember everyone had gone to practice and I had told her that day I'd probably like stay back and you know, because I didn't want to do too much at practice if something, you know, I caught a whip of anything. Um, and I remember she came in there and she just hugged me and she gave me a kiss on my cheek and she was like, You're okay, and you got this. And then she went to practice. But she, I don't think she'll ever know the gravity of what that did for me. Like, because I didn't know if I was gonna be okay at those moments. It was very fresh. I I hadn't, because the service had got pushed back. So like I was still in Philly and everybody's still in Georgia. Um, I'm up here by myself, and I didn't know if I was gonna be okay. But for her, someone that I've seen go through the tough, she has special needs children as well. So like she is going through so much in her life still to this day. She's a caretaker still to this day. And for her to tell me that I'm gonna be okay when I've seen the things she's had to endure, I knew I was gonna be alright. And you know, obviously I had my family at home telling me I was gonna be fine. But to have someone who chose to have me in her space, because this is again an opportunity for me. Like she chose to have me and she choose, she chooses now to encourage me. I think that's what really that sealed the deal for me that I was gonna be fine.
SPEAKER_00Dang, man. That does hit different when it's because you know, family, you kind of take it one way, like you appreciate it, but it's kind of just like a lane that you kind of keep it in. When it's the outside source like that, it really hits you in a different spot. And I know that's that's because like the way you talk about her, the way that you kind of give her her flowers in this, you know, moment is like, okay, I I can feel the weight of what that means for you. But there's still this pocket of you know, family's gone, she's gone, players are gone. You know, the nighttime hits or the quiet times hitting you're alone. How have you dealt with that? Because I think that's one of the hardest pockets when a lot of people try to just keep noise. Around her. They'll just play music and just wake up and blast on whatever they can to not be in silence and have that. So do you struggle with the quiet times and alone times? Or if you don't, like how do you kind of manage those pockets?
SPEAKER_03Um, I have pictures of her all over my apartment now. Um, and I know it's crazy, but in those moments, like I try to imagine what she would tell me. Um, and my grandma was a no-nonsense woman. Um, she lost her husband while like we went through that while, you know, we she was living, obviously. Um, and she was once all this crying, she wasn't having it. Like, all that doing too much, she wasn't having it. So I just imagine her like, look, Caitlin, what you doing? Like, get it together. She called me Kable. Kable, what are you doing? Like, get it, get it together. You got a job to do. So I just try to, um, in those moments where I'm just like, like, it comes to reality that she's not here anymore. It's just like, I knew she wouldn't want me sitting here in this bed just looking, crying, looking crazy. So I have to honor her and get up. I have to honor her and realize that, you know, it's not the end of the world. She always told us, you know, we gotta go one day. She was a firm believer in Jesus Christ. She knew our time here was limited. Um, and she knew she made sure, she made sure we knew that too. Uh, so I know she wouldn't want me in those quiet moments, just going crazy and and crying and acting a fool, like she would say. Um, so I try my best to limit those moments. And when I do have them, I just really I have a lot of voice recordings of her. Um, so I'll just listen to those. And a lot of them, she's saying she's proud of me and she loves me and to keep going. And that's the sauce that I find of like even when I want to be sad, she's literally telling me, keep going, like you're fine. I love you, like you got it. Um, so I think that's where I find myself in those moments. Just finding ways to be encouraged because I know that's what she would want me to be.
SPEAKER_00So, what would she say about you right now, seeing how you've handled everything, seeing how you adapted and pivoted and moved, and you shrugged this off, and you know, now you're becoming the gangster within yourself. You you've adopted that role. What would she say about that now?
SPEAKER_03Ironically, I feel like she would say, I told you you could do this. Like there would be no praise, there would be no good jobs. It would be like I told you, and keep going. Like it would, that's all it would be. Because, like our family verses is Ecclesiastes 3 and 1, like it's the right time for everything. So she knew there was gonna be an important time for me to have to step into the fact that I gotta deal with it and keep going. She knew that there was gonna be a time for me to step into this operational role. She was so proud when I got these. So I think what she would say is like you knew this was coming and you better do it right. That's what my grandmother would tell me right now. So, um, and I knew that would be full of love. In her, in her own way, it was full of love. So, yeah, that's what she would tell me right now. And don't mess up. That's her big don't mess up.
SPEAKER_00So what would the young version of you say right now? Like seeing, like knowing how your grandma was and seeing a connection that she had, like at seven, at 13, at 15, and seeing this and knowing this, to know that fast forward that you at this point would be dealing with this. What would she say about it? She was like, oh schnap, like she right when I get the dobo, she dang. What would she say about this?
SPEAKER_03Little me would probably still be speechless. She wouldn't think that I would have gotten this far because little me went through a lot of different things. Um I don't think she thought it would ever get to the point where I'd be able to be self-sufficient. Um so just to see, and I think that's why me and my grandmother were so close, because I she knew that I doubted myself internally, and she would always pour into me to know who I was. Um so little La Caitlin would probably just say, like, wow, like you did it. Like, and wow, that you're able to do it without this person that was your rock. Um so I think that's the biggest thing for me. It would just be like a shock that it was is it's happening. And I think still to this day, grown La Caitlin is saying, like, girl, what? Like, like this is your job, you get to do this. So yeah, that's where I think what will happen and what the conversation will be.
SPEAKER_00So what would you say to some player, another coach, whoever's kind of wrestling with this? And it's like, man, I just lost this person in my life, and I'm kind of figuring out how do I show up as a player, how do I show up in school, how I show up for you know the team as a coach. What would you kinda say to them?
SPEAKER_03Um, the gerontology major in me would say, Feel your feelings, and I say that now even though, but feel your feelings first. Um, because you can't be anything for anybody else if you're not something for yourself. Um, so you have to first feel the emotions and go through the journey because it's not gonna stop. And if you just continue to compress them, one day you're just gonna explode. So feel those feelings. Um find a way to accept it. And when I say find, like you truly have to find it on your own. No one can tell you what it looks like. Um and do what you can to honor the person and whatever that looks like in your actions, in the ways you interact. Find a way to honor that person. Because sometimes we don't have our own strength in the moments that we think we have to show up. But find the strength that they would have had in the moment, or find a way to honor what they wanted to do. Because sometimes, you know, the people that pass are people that couldn't always accomplish their dreams or do the things that they talked about. But go do that for them, you know. Go find the way, because my grandmother, you know, she obviously wants the big topic, like she wanted all of the things. You want the big topic, you want some, like you wanted all that, but she had to be a family role, family person, and and put us off to like things like that. She had to do that. So, my goal is to set up for my family. And I think for them, it's just like for the people that I speak to, do the things that you know they will want to do. Now, and making sure it aligns with your dreams. Don't go trying to overcompensate and be them, but honor them in what you do and just keep going. Just keep trying. You don't have to do, you don't have to be okay on day one, you don't have to be okay in day a thousand, but you have to keep trying every day that you wake up. Just try and and do what you can to show up for yourself first, and everything else will come, everything else will fall into place. And if you believe in Jesus, find that relationship and hold on tight because that'll get you through it.
SPEAKER_01That's beautiful, man.
SPEAKER_00You got anything else you want to leave people with? Um I think that's a lot already. You feel me?
SPEAKER_03So that was that was a lot. Just uh love on your people while you can. Um take everything that happens as an opportunity to show love and God's love. Um and go to the doctor. That's another one. Go to the doctor and take care of yourself. Because people don't do that enough. Um, but yeah, that's probably all I have to give.
SPEAKER_00I feel that was a personal shout at me.
SPEAKER_03I feel like everybody in these, I know the economy, I get it, I get it, but we gotta make sure we're good. Again, we can't show up for nobody. We cannot show up for anyone if we can't show up for ourselves. So go to the doctor, yeah. Go to the doctor.
SPEAKER_00I don't like you fussing at me being so loud on my podcast.
SPEAKER_03It's the southern enemy. I don't care.
SPEAKER_00But no, I appreciate you, man. Um at all. It was beautiful to have the conversation.
SPEAKER_03It was. It was much needed. I needed this more than I thought I did, like in terms of speaking this through, like speaking my Greek process through, because I really haven't had a second to I've done it internally, but out loud I haven't heard what I've said. So this was beautiful for me too. Definitely an experience I needed.
SPEAKER_00I know you're making her proud, so I think that's my girl.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00No, I appreciate you, man. Um appreciate everybody that watching, listen. Go support her. Oh, shout out the school, shout out Temple, tell them come watch you, hoop. You feel me? Do that whole the double side, you know.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Um I put a lot of work in, y'all. Please come see us. We do it, we get it done on the court. We in a little, you know, some some right now, but I promise you, by the end of the season, we're gonna make some shake. I promise. I promise.
SPEAKER_00So she said they win a conference championship this year. And she's been a little bit more.
SPEAKER_03Oh, we can win Vanetti. I'ma say, you, I'm telling you, I'm behind my intentos. Now, you know, granted, but I'm behind my intentos, you know. I got it.
SPEAKER_00Listen. Younger me, when I do the podcast, you talking trash and used to like fuel the flame of all that stuff. But now I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser. I'm gonna relax on that because I was itching to just be like, oh, so Don Staley just, oh, but you know, Philly Girl too? You're talking about Philly? Oh, okay. All right, but you know, I'm relaxing. I'm not gonna bring up, I'm not gonna bring up Gina Oriama and UConn. And I've been handling business. Texas. Not gonna bring them up. LS, I'm not gonna bring any of these schools up at all. I'm a Bama boy. Obama girls been handling their business too. I ain't gonna bring them, I'm not bringing them up. I'm not. Ain't talking about USC, they've been struggling ups and downs a little bit, but we're not gonna bring them up, not at all.
SPEAKER_03And we can't predict Casey Sex. Shout out to Eric DeRoo, amazing recruiter, an amazing assistant coach. But we're not bringing them up.
SPEAKER_00We're not. Not at all.
SPEAKER_03Temple by a thousand. Temple by a thousand.
SPEAKER_00We just we're focusing right now on Temple and what they can do. Yeah. That's it. You're saying in our lane right here. Do what you do with believe in ourselves enough to say we can handle this. If we do what we can do, nobody can beat us. Now enter teams we mentioned, we ain't we ain't talking about none of that. We're talking about right here, right now. You feel me? All right, so I'm glad we settled it.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03If we don't believe it, how we gonna show our kids to?
SPEAKER_00That should be the pre-gang speech right there.
SPEAKER_03I'm telling you. Coach Rich. I'm telling you, I'm ready.
SPEAKER_00Hey man, you sound like a head coach now. There you go.
SPEAKER_03Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Nah, man. I appreciate you. This is really good. Uh make sure y'all subscribe. Make sure y'all go watch them who and winning natty, like she said, this year. But uh, you can get up out of here, man. Appreciate y'all. See y'all next episode.