175: Trauma Bonds: How to Recognize Trauma Bonds and Break Free for Good

Trauma Bonds: Why They’re So Hard to Spot, Why They Feel Addictive, and How to Break Free for Good

If you’ve ever wondered “Am I in a trauma bond?” or found yourself walking on eggshells, feeling extreme emotions in a relationship, and clinging to the hope things will go back to how they “used to be,” this episode is for you. We’ll explore how people pleasing as a trauma response can deepen trauma bonding and keep you trapped in toxic relationship patterns.

You’ll learn the difference between a toxic relationship vs trauma bond, and how trauma bonds often develop through love bombing, devaluing, discard, and sporadic reinforcement. We’ll also talk about the role of anxious attachment, why leaving can feel impossible, and exactly how to break free of a trauma bond so you can reclaim your peace and self-worth.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

💛 What a trauma bond really is and how it’s formed
💛 The “slot machine effect” and why sporadic reinforcement keeps you hooked
💛 How trauma bonds amplify people pleasing and self-abandonment
💛 The repeating cycle of love bombing, devaluing, and discard
💛 Common signs you may be trauma bonded (and how to tell)
💛 Why walking on eggshells becomes the norm in trauma-bonded relationships
💛 How anxious attachment fuels the cycle
💛 The truth about healthy love versus conditional, inconsistent attention

Challenge for the Week
Pay attention to your relationship patterns. Do the highs feel intoxicating while the lows drag on endlessly? Are you ignoring your own needs to keep someone else happy? Notice if your emotions swing from extreme highs to crushing lows. Write down your observations without judgment—awareness is the first step to change.

Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop asking “Am I trauma bonded?” and start breaking free from the cycle, I’d love to support you. In coaching, we’ll work together to untangle the patterns keeping you stuck and help you create relationships that feel safe, balanced, and mutually fulfilling. Click here to book your free clarity call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult

Don’t Forget to Subscribe
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Connect with me!

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Transcript

MaryAnn Walker (2): 0:17

welcome back. My name is Maryanne Walker and I help recovering people pleasers, find more balance and peace in their relationships. And one problem that I see all the time in my practice is people who are pouring more and more and more of themselves into others thinking, well, if I can just do all the right things, if I can be selfless enough, forgiving enough, mindful enough, then my relationships will be happy and healthy.

MaryAnn Walker: 0:38

But while they're giving their whole self to a relationship, then they may be starting to notice that they may or may not be getting back the bare minimum in return. But because there was a time when things were amazing, then they stay hoping that that amazingness will return. And maybe this is you. Maybe you find yourself saying things like, well, all relationships have their struggles. They just need my support right now. And once their cup is full, then they'll have the capacity to meet my needs. And you're right that all relationships have their struggles, but when we're trauma bonded to somebody else, then it's not just a phase, it's the new normal. So in a trauma bonded relationship, then you may discover that it seems that you're doing absolutely everything to keep them afloat while you yourself are sinking. And when other people point out to you that, hey, you just don't seem as happy as you used to be. You might even tell them that you're just really committed to making this work. You believe in sticking it out through the hard times to prove your love and your devotion to them. And yes, all relationships have their struggles, and we shouldn't abandon ship at the first sign of a struggle. That's not what I'm saying here, but when it starts to seem like you are not just being self-sacrificing but abandoning self, then that's when it's time to get real about what might be going on for you. Now, if this sounds a little bit too familiar, then you, my friend, you might be experiencing a trauma bond and you're exactly who I'm speaking to today. Today we're gonna be breaking down exactly what a trauma bond is, how it can amplify your people pleasing tendencies and why holding onto hope that things are going to change might be the very thing that is keeping you stuck in a toxic relationship. So first, let's define what a trauma bond is. A trauma bond is a really strong emotional attachment to somebody who is just intermittently or sporadically offering you love and care in return. So they're sporadically kind, but they can also, in addition to being kind, they can also be very harmful, neglectful, or dismissive of your experience. And because their love is so sporadic, you never know what it is that you're going to get. It feels very unpredictable, which can be crazy making, honestly, And that's exactly what makes a trauma bond especially confusing, is that it's not always harmful, neglectful, or dismissive. In fact, in the beginning of the relationship as well as probably sporadically throughout the relationship, usually after a fight, then they just seem to be the most amazing person on the planet. And then that's when relationship feels so incredible, and it's these highs that make you stick around when the low lows come around. But over time, then the highs become shorter and further apart. While the hard times really seem to drag on and on and on with no end in sight. And you might stay because you know that they have the potential to make you feel amazing. You know that they have the potential to show up well because they have in the past. But right now. They just aren't. And since you know that they're capable of showing up well, then you assume at this point that, well, they just need a little more help. They just need a little support. This isn't who they actually are, and so you keep showing up for them more and more and more. While they might be showing up for you less and less over time. And the good moments, there seem to be just enough of them that they keep you holding on. So you're holding on just hoping that things will go back to the way it was in the beginning. It is a lot like a slot machine. You keep pulling the lever again and again, never knowing when or if you're going to get that payout. And probably because at one point you did get a really big payout, then you keep thinking, okay, but I can do it again. It happened once. I can do it again. And when you're really in a trauma bond, it really can feel a lot like an addiction. So it is like that slot machine, right? Your brain wants to start associating unpredictability and excitement with hope. So you remember that"okay. Well, the one time I got that payout, then I was at that slot machine and it was 2:03 and I was wearing this outfit." And so we try to recreate the perfect situation, all the perfect circumstances so that we can replicate that big payout. But just like with the slot machine, the odds of losing are significantly greater than the odds of you winning. And that's just how gambling works, right? But there's always that hope that the more you put in, the more quarters you put in, the more times you pull that slot, the closer you get to winning. And we tell ourselves that same story with trauma bonding. So trauma bonding. Then it follows the same pattern. Love bomb devaluation and discard, and it's all intermingled with sporadic reinforcement. So let's kind of break it down a bit. So love bombing. This is when you feel absolutely amazing. This is when you're winning. This is when you're getting the payout, and probably you only needed to invest a tiny bit to get this huge payout. So it feels incredible. It feels life changing. They're kind, they're attentive, they're complimentary, and they make you feel like you are the best version of yourself. And this is the stage where there may be gifts, words of affirmation, compliments, acts of service. You're getting all of it at once and it is intoxicating. So this stage, then it usually shows up in the beginning of the relationship, or it might show up occasionally, probably after a fight when they're trying to win you back, but it feels so intoxicating and so amazing. And it's when you're being love bombed, that you start to wonder like, okay, well why did I even question them? This is so amazing. They're now back to the absolute best version of themselves, and they make you feel like you are the best version of yourself too. And then comes the devaluing. This is when your wants and needs start to be minimized, and it doesn't matter if it's a positive or a negative thing that's going on for you, but you're going to feel devalued and minimized at this point. So for example, maybe you shared something that they did that hurt you, Hey, this really hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it? And instead of taking ownership, instead of offering an apology, instead they might flip it around to you. They might tell you that you are too sensitive, you're reading too much into it. It's not that big of a deal. You need help. You should probably go to therapy. They tell you that it's your problem rather than taking ownership of the impact of their actions. Or maybe you're celebrating a big promotion at work and instead of celebrating with you, then they might minimize all of the hard work that it took you to get there. They might warn you that, oh, well, don't let it go to your head. Oh, well this is never gonna happen again. You better really be on your best behavior because I can't believe they gave you that position. They just really are kind of minimizing your experience. Or maybe you share with them that you've just had a really hard day instead of just sitting with you and letting you have a hard day. Instead, then they try to one up you with how much worse their day was than yours. And this does two things. It leaves you feeling guilty for struggling in the first place, and it also leaves you feeling personally responsible for doing even more for them because now you can see and understand that they must have it way worse than I do. So now when you're already having a hard day, you're now responsible for helping somebody else out. And yeah, occasionally this can be, okay, this is relationship is prioritizing who has the most significant need right now, but I'm not talking about these normal behaviors. In a trauma bonded relationship, this isn't occasionally trying to figure out who's having the roughest day, but this is now a pattern in behavior. So when this is happening, you might find that you just quit sharing anything with them. You don't want to share anymore with them about your weight loss success, or about that compliment that you received when you're out on the town, you no longer want to share about your challenges because you can no longer trust that you're going to get the love, support, or encouragement that you're needing in that moment. And all of that leads to the discard. This is when their attention has now shifted elsewhere. It shifted to another person or another situation. You are not as important anymore. And you find yourself being pushed to the back burner while other people and priorities are now their focus. You're left in the waiting place and in that waiting place, then you keep hoping that things will turn around and that one day you'll be appreciated and loved again. And the thing is, nobody likes being in the waiting place. In fact, I'm gonna read a little clip to you from the book. Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss, because he's talking about the waiting place and what that can feel like. So I just wanna read a little bit of that to you. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go, or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring. Or the snow to snow or waiting around for a yes or a no or waiting around for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting, waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for a Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil, or a better break, or a string of pearls or a pair of pants, or a wig of curls, or another chance. Everyone is just waiting. But in the case with trauma bonding, it's you who's doing the waiting and making excuses for them while you're in that waiting place. So you're waiting for them to be in a better head space so that they can really sit with you. You're waiting for their project to wrap up at work. You're waiting for their stress to be less. You're waiting for their circumstances to change. You're waiting for them to be able to show up for you. And this cycle, it can happen anywhere. It can happen in romantic relationships and friendships and family dynamics. It can happen in the workplace. It can even happen in religious or spiritual communities. And when it's happening, it's really common to gaslight yourself, to tell yourself, well, it's not that bad and they didn't mean it. They're just really going through something right now. And so that hope keeps that cycle continuing. We have come to identify them with the really short windows of love bombing when they are showing up as their best self. We think that's who they really are. And so we make excuses for how they're showing up throughout the rest of that cycle. And it makes sense because the version of them when they were showing up as their best self, that's the version that we fell in love with. But here's another hard truth is it's often the people pleasers that find themselves in these trauma bonded relationships. Many people pleasers end up in trauma bonds without even realizing it. Because somewhere along the way they were conditioned to believe that love needs to be earned. It needs to be earned through effort, earned through self-sacrifice, earned by keeping the peace at all costs, even if that cost is yourself. For some people pleasing has been a huge part of their identity for as long as they can remember, and for other people, then they don't fully notice how deep the people pleasing runs for them until they land themselves into a trauma bonded relationship. They may have previously been pretty good at boundaries, but now that they're in a trauma bonded relationship, those boundaries have gone out the window. And the most important thing has been making the other person happy so that they can stay in that happy love bombing stage. And the reason for this is because trauma bonds create the perfect atmosphere to bring those people pleasing and self-sacrificing tendencies to the surface. And this means that instead of recognizing,"now wait a second, my needs aren't being met in this relationship," then people pleasers only see how other people's needs aren't being met. The only way that people pleaser knows how to get their own needs met or have their own emotions regulated is by making other people happy. So when they find themselves in a trauma bond, then they really double down on this people pleasing. They become even more accommodating, more understanding, more selfless, more helpful, and more forgiving, all in the hopes that their loyalty and devotion will inspire the other person to finally step up and give them, well something, anything in return. And when they do get some breadcrumbs in return, then they treat those breadcrumbs like a feast. But nobody can survive on breadcrumbs alone. Now remember, trauma bonds are a lot like slot machines. They run on sporadic reinforcement, and this means that you never know when or if that payout will come. And with sporadic reinforcement, then the opposite of what you want to have happen is what ends up happening. You are giving more, but you're getting less. And the more you chase those rare moments of connection, the stronger your bond to them and the stronger your devotion to them comes. And while you're feeling more invested in a relationship, the other person, they seem to be significantly less invested. You're no longer a priority. And the reason for this is because we naturally feel most connected to the people and the relationships that we're intentionally investing into. The more time, energy, and emotions that you're pouring into someone, the more your brain clings to the idea that this must be worth it. This investment must be worth it. I am going to get a return on this investment. So you keep investing hoping that this will finally be the moment that they finally give you the love and the care and the appreciation that you've been waiting for. But in trauma bonds, those moments are rare. And you are giving, it only deepens your insecure attachment to them, not their level of investment. So let's kind of revisit and review a little bit about what the trauma bond cycle looks like. So it starts with the love bombing stage, right? This is in the beginning or sometimes after a conflict. When they're showering you with love and affection, attention promises, they're showering you with all of the things that you've been seeking. This is when the gifts show up, the flowers, the apologies, the passion, the incredible words about how much it is that you mean to them, and it feels amazing. Like they are finally seeing you for you again, like you're finally safe and loved. They're back to the best version of themselves, and at this point, your investment has paid off. And in that moment, it's really easy to believe that this is the real version of them and that everything is going to be okay now. And then comes the devaluing. That warmth has faded, and suddenly you're being met with criticism, coldness, or unpredictability. It starts to seem like they can't be with you in your joy or in your pain, and you might hear comments like,"it's not that big of a deal. You're bringing this up again. Why do you keep choosing to live in the past? You're so needy. Why are you always wanting me to reassure and validate you? That's what your coach is for." And those comments can feel so dismissive and disorienting, especially after the intensity of the love bombing. And when this happens, you might find yourself wondering what happened? What did I do wrong? And not only what did I do wrong, but you're also wondering, what can I do to fix this? And then comes the discard. They pull away. They're leaving you feeling abandoned, anxious, and absolutely desperate to fix things. And sometimes this withdraw is even intentional where there's silence or their avoidance of you, it's meant to trigger you into investing more. It's meant to trigger you to apologize, to make them feel better, or to take responsibility for the problems that might not even be yours to own. I mean, yes, I believe that everything is co-created and so there is probably a piece for you to own in this situation. But in the case of a trauma bond, then your part in the conflict, it might actually be very small, but since you're the kind and empathetic and amazing person that you are, since you're so self-reflective, then you know that you do have a part to own. And so because you can see the sliver of truthfulness of what it is that they have to say, you do feel personally responsible. So suddenly you're bending over backwards to try to make things right. And the goal here, whether they realize it or not, it is to make you fall in line so they don't have to take ownership themselves. And then through all of this is a sprinkling of sporadic reinforcement. The good moment returns temporarily. You get a breadcrumb here or there, a smile, a compliment, a kind word. And at this moment then you do actually breathe a sigh of relief. You start telling yourself, okay, that was just a rough patch and now it's over. Thank goodness the person I fell in love with, they're finally back. Now we can get back to"normal." And with that sporadic reinforcement comes a wave of relief of hope that it's finally over, that they're back. And there may even be a rush of love in that moment, one that temporarily erases the pain from all of the moments that came before it. The problem is that you never know when the next good moment will come. So your brain is constantly in high alert. It's constantly scanning for signs. It's constantly scanning for signs that you're okay and constantly scanning for signs that things are not okay. And your brain is working harder and harder at this point to bring back all of those positive emotions all while trying desperately to make them happy and avoid anything that might set them off. So for a brief moment, your nervous system is saying, ah, everything's fine. It's going to be okay now. But if it's true that everything's gonna be okay, why do you still feel like you're walking on eggshells? Why is your anxiety still so high right now? Why is your mind telling you, oh, be careful. Don't mess this up again, and then that's what happens as the cycle repeats itself over and over again. So here are some signs that you might be in a trauma bond. You feel the constant need to prove yourself. You're always proving your love, proving that you're sorry, proving that they matter to you. And meanwhile, they're doing very little to prove the same to you. But they might actually be trying to prove to you that you are the broken one. That you are the problem, that you are the one that needs fixing, that they aren't to blame. This is a you problem. Number two, you're ignoring your own needs in order to keep them happy. It doesn't matter if you're tired, sick, or struggling yourself. Their needs always come first. You believe that if you don't keep them happy, then they might pull away again. You might become the target. You might have to fix it again and fixing it again just requires so much energy for you because your needs aren't getting met. You're so tired. So it just is easier to just keep them happy, even at the cost of your own self. Your nervous system is constantly in overdrive, but because you've been conditioned to believe that your needs don't matter than the only way to regulate your own nervous system is to regulate them. And if you do a really good job of that, then maybe you'll find some peace. You feel anxious when they're upset with you. Their behavior is completely unpredictable, and so you end up feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, constantly trying to prevent the next blowup, even though you never really know what might trigger them next. You make excuses for their behavior. You tell yourself,"well, they're just stressed, they're tired. They're going through a lot right now." Their emotional state takes the top priority, which means that your emotional state, it keeps getting pushed aside even by you. So now you are minimizing your own wants and needs and emotions in relationship, in an effort to keep the peace. You feel both desperate to leave and terrified to lose them. Trauma bonds can feel like an addiction. You're constantly looking for that next hit. You're constantly looking for that love bomb. You know that this relationship isn't healthy for you, but also the thought of leaving it absolutely terrifies you. And that fear, it might not even be anything that you've ever really put into words before, but you can't deny that there's a lot of fear and anxiety both over staying and over leaving. Now, if you recognize that you might be in a trauma bonded relationship, I want you to know it's not because you're weak. It is because you've been conditioned, possibly for years, to believe that this is what love looks like. That love looks like intense emotions, intense highs and intense lows, and that being willing to ride the toxic wave again and again and again with just a few good moments here and there is how you demonstrate your love for the other person. But I want you to know that love isn't sporadic. Love is constant, love is kind, love is considerate. And love wants what is best for both of you. And love it never wants to hurt, devalue, or minimize the other. Healthy love doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to keep it. Your worth isn't measured by how much you can endure from other people or how perfectly you can please other people. No matter what it is that they say, it is not your fault. Now if you're starting to wonder whether you might be in a trauma bond or if you already know that you're in a trauma bond and you're finally ready to break free, I would love to help you to reclaim your sense of self-worth. Together we can untangle the patterns that are keeping you stuck and help you to build relationships that feel safe, balanced, and mutually fulfilling. If you're curious about whether coaching might be able to help you with this, then click the link in the show notes to book your free clarity call. On this free call, we can take a look at your relationships and see how coaching might be able to help you to create more balance, peace, and self trust. You are worthy of love, consistency, and reciprocation, and I can show you how. All right, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon. Bye now.